getting switched!

Holla!

2009-12-08T20:10:00.002-05:00

Life is pretty good. What can I say. Weight-wise, I bounce around the same 5-10 lbs. I can't complain. I've been playing tennis like a mad woman up until I hurt my knee and had to take a month off. I recently got back on the courts and was amazed how much my game had suffered. I will try to never have to do that again.

I am thisclose to being ready for plastics. 2010 will be the year, I think. Probably next October. The first few months I am going to focus on getting as fit as possible as I want the best results possible. I found this awesome kickboxing school. It's about a 20 minute drive away though... I will give it a whirl and hope that I won't mind the trip.

Even after all this time, I sometimes don't see myself as I truly am. Sometimes I think I am fat. Crazy, ain't it.

Still Here

2009-11-08T10:01:00.002-05:00

The past few months have been interesting. I had my first major sports injury. I foolishly played tennis one night on a slick court. Dumb, I know, but in my defense, my friend Ana and I had been playing for a good hour and a half and then it started to mist. As soon as it did, we both said "five more minutes", she hit the ball to me, I planted my foot on the line and it slipped. Long story, short no major damage, but I have six weeks of physical therapy to look forward to and possibly some shots in my knee.

Overall, I am doing well. Playing tennis so much as increased my muscle which has been awesome. Even though my weight can still fluctuate, my clothes still fit and even are starting to get the slightest bit loose. I am planning on seeing my friend, Kim's, plastic surgeon before the end of the year, mostly for a consult. I really just want an idea of what I have to look forward to and to mostly set some expectations. My excess skin is starting to bother me more and more, mostly my arms and thighs. I hate being pear shaped. I look completely normal from the waist up, but then the flab on my thighs give things away. It's weird, some days I think I am fat, but then when I see my reflection compared to "normal" people, I still surprise myself. Even after all this time, there is still that disconnect.

Three Years

2009-08-31T10:34:00.000-04:00

Can you believe it? Wow. It's hard to even imagine what my life would be like had I not had surgery. I don't think I would be dead, I'd probably be 600+ lbs and largely homebound. I wouldn't be working at my current job (which I enjoy), I wouldn't be playing tennis (which I love) and most likely, I'd be still quite miserable.

A quick rundown of the numbers, I started at 516.6 lbs, lost roughly 285 down to the low 230's and now I bounce around within 10 lbs of that. I am thrilled with my loss! I have lost 114% of what Dr. Marchesini wanted me to lose! I call that a success. I have A LOT of excess skin, but besides that, I look normal...who would have ever thunk it! I can wear a 10/12 on top and a 16/18 on bottom. The vast amounts of excess skin prevent me from getting smaller on the bottom, but I'm mostly cool with it since I'm almost 6' tall.

I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for my life right now. It's been a struggle at times, but frankly, it's been pretty kick-ass too! I am about to embark on a fitness program in the hopes of building some strength and getting leaner, mostly for tennis. I don't have a clue how much more weight I will lose, but my primary concern is become a better tennis player.

What can I say, life is good. I LOVE my DS!!!

Heart Matters

2009-06-08T18:10:00.000-04:00

We had our first match of the USTA Summer season yesterday. Imagine running around for an hour and a half around a blazing hot concrete slab. It was rough. I mean, it was only 85 or so degrees, but tennis hardcourts radiate heat like a mother! I try not to drink sports drinks as they tend to have too much sugar, but I think I drank 3 by the time I was done. I couldn't help it, it was either that or pass out. My partner and I won, 6-0, 6-1 but the match took longer than normal. Afterwards the rest of my teammates and I went down to Marietta Square for some much needed grub. All in all, a very good day.

I'm starting to think that the extra protein shake might not be enough. We'll see. When I check a few sites, they all have me burning anywhere from 500-800 calories each time I play tennis. Yikes! One measly protein shake ain't gonna make up for that. I've been trying to eat 4 meals instead of 3 and I think I may need to find some good grazing food. I really like Pork Rinds, but they aren't too cool to have at work... or maybe that's just my perception, this is the south after all. I guess I will stop by the grocery store after work and pick up some sunflower seeds at least.

I tried a new marinade with my baked chicken last night and it's not too bad. I have noticed that the powder-based marinades - the ones I need to mix up myself - have much more robust flavors than jar based ones. Good stuff. I happily ate a couple of thighs for lunch today and am looking forward to have one as soon as I get home.

So, Thursday I have an appointment for an echocardiogram. My doc wants to make absolutely sure that my water retention issues are not heart related. Gosh, I remember the last time I had one of those, it had to be around 2002-2003, I honestly can't remember. I must've weighed maybe 450 lbs or so. Wow. I keenly remember the technician/nurse/doctor/whatever having to press really hard to get good images of my heart because I had so many layers of fat on my chest. It was painful and embarrassing. This time it should be different. Unless s/he's trying to get images through my boobs, s/he shouldn't have any issues. The only heart concern I have - and this may be a nonissue - is my relatively low heart rate, at rest it is consistently in the 40-50 beats per minute range. I remember back in 2007 when I went in to have my upper GI and they had me on a heart rate monitor and the alarm would go off every minute or so because my heart rate would fall below 40 bpm. My blood pressure is normal so I think it all just means I'm healthy. I eat fairly well and exercise a lot so I should be okay. We'll certainly see.

Tweaking

2009-06-06T08:45:00.000-04:00

I went to the doc in late May and have finally gotten my labs back. All in all, not too horrible. Seems I'm lapsing into anemia again even though I have been consistently taking two Poly-Iron capsules every day, they each have 150mg of elemental iron. I'm on the hunt for a chewable iron that I can add to my arsenal and will probably split up my Poly-Iron into two doses instead of one. This is definitely one of the reasons I've been feeling a little sluggish lately.

The most distressing lab result is my albumin, 3.7. Although it's in the normal range, it's the lowest ever for me and I'm not too happy about it. I'd been doing well doing my 2-3 protein shakes a day and thought that that was my maintenance level. Well, what I didn't factor into my plans was the increase in physical activity and how much I'd need to adjust for it. Right now, I am playing tennis 4-5 times a week and I don't see that changing, if anything, I may be playing more. So the plan right now is to add yet another protein shake a day. Yep, 4 protein shakes a day. The first one before I walk out the door in the morning, another around 10:30 AM, the third around 3-4PM and the last sometime around 9-10 PM. I then usually have 3 meals. I've been doing this for about a week and it seems to work. I feel a lot better, so we'll see how it goes. The weird thing is that my total protein is 7.4 which is well within normal, so I'm not sure what that means.

Speaking of tennis, have I told you lately how much I love it! I freakin' love it. Yesterday, I went to Friday morning drills for an hour and a half. Now, typically they have three courts which are usually divided based on skill level and I consider myself a beginner. Well, that morning there wasn't enough people to warrant 3 courts so everyone was on two. As soon as I noticed, I was nearly petrified. I mean, I've been swimming happily in the kiddie pool, now I felt like I was being tossed in the deep end. It was incredibly intimidating, but I jumped right in and within 15-20 mins, I definitely felt like I could hang. It was the most awesome feeling I've had in a while. The pace was much quicker, the players were so much better, but I was right there in it! I played my butt off and of course, made mistakes but I wasn't categorically worse. It was sooooo cool. The best part, the absolute best part was when a couple of people came up to me afterward and said I had great hand/eye coordination and asked if I ever wanted to go out and hit to give them a call. That has never happened to me before. It felt awesome. It was just so cool. I feel so much more motivated to improve my game. A big test for me comes later this summer when there is a big tennis tournament. I'm going to go out of my comfort zone and find a partner and enter in. I don't know how well I will fare, but I think it'll be good to test myself. I'm excited.

Getting close....

2009-05-19T08:02:00.000-04:00

So, I'm closing in on three years. Amazing. It seems like such a long, long time ago. I can barely believe it. I'm bouncing around in the 240-250 range lately, which is alright. I am still prone to retain water like a mad woman when I don't get my protein in and I know exactly why the scale jumps up when it does. I still struggle with extremes. I often find myself oscillating between being hyper-vigilant and being very lax. Moderation, it seems, is quite elusive for me. It seems as though I just need to find the right balance and fully embrace who I am and what my needs are now AND fully release who I was, my old fears and concerns. I am a work in progress.

I have found, though, that I will NOT be one to take Flagyl on a maintenance level. I tried it for a couple of weeks, and honestly, it was so awesome. I could eat horribly and not have gas or poop problems.....but then, the nightmare began. I'm one of the lucky few who has a delicate gut, meaning I have to have a plethora of intestinal flora or I start having hives, joint pain, fatigue, etc. I had a wicked bout of hives and such severe joint pain in my left elbow, it seriously felt like I broke something. I had to wear a sling for a couple of days, I couldn't move it. Once I ditched the Flagyl and started some serious probiotics, it finally cleared up and I have been hive and pain free since. It took a good two weeks to get things back to normal, but I tell ya, I will never do that again!

Back to the whole moderation/balance thing. What I have been doing lately is staying away from carbs, Monday - Friday and indulging a bit on the weekends. The problem is that the indulging can get a little crazy and I tend to not get all my protein in. Talking to my sister about this she said that I shouldn't look at my weekends like that. It is very reminiscent of my pre-surgery life, where I looked forward to being a carb-induced fog for two days. She said I shouldn't have a deprivation mindset, instead of denying myself all week and gorging on the weekends, I should have that cookie if I want it, or a hamburger with bread, etc if I want it, that way, these little "treats" aren't such a big deal. I won't look at it like all or nothing. I think it makes sense, but it's a little scary to work myself through to that point. Instead of being protein first, I tend to be protein-only, all or nothing!

I am not actively trying to lose any more weight. I could buckle down and lose more, but I'm pretty content where I am. I'm not thrilled, but I'm not disappointed. I lost 285 lbs, that's a lot and what's funny, my excess skin is now started to bother me more and more. Sometimes I see myself and say "man, I have such huge thighs" but I know, most of that is skin. Same thing with my stomach. I honestly, don't have a lot of fat there, I have like a 36 in waist and it would be smaller without the skin. I know when it comes time to seriously start looking into it and working toward it, I will want to lose 25-30 more pounds before I get on the surgery table and that's cool, that makes sense, but I'm not going to be focusing on "weight loss", just maintenance & good health is fine for now.

One of the things that has kept me on a healthy track is that I play a lot of tennis, like 4-5 times a week for as little as an hour to 2.5 hours at a time. I get a good bit of exercise a week AND I also do 45 minutes of an exercise tape 2-4 times a week, especially on days I don't play. I make sure I get my exercise in. I freakin' love tennis, can't get enough of it. I've gotten pretty decent at it, taking lessons and working on things, learning as much as I can. It's so cool to be able to say I play a sport and the coolest thing by far is that my size is an advantage. Finally, being tall works to my benefit!!!

Anyway, I'm slowly working my way back to this blog. I have a couple of things I know I will want to work my way through, one of them being, I am considering therapy with a therapist who is familiar with the issues of post-weight loss surgery folk. I don't feel like I am in a tenuous situation or anything, but I do feel like I need to take some next steps to fully realize the things I want in my life. Right now I feel a little ill-equiped, so I look at it as a good thing!

Alrighty then, time to get to work..

Life Happens....

2009-02-09T21:42:00.001-05:00

First, congrats to Tiffany on her engagement! I am thrilled to tears for her! She rocks!

Second, yes, I am still alive. Seems I am liking the living my life thing. I have been happily busy with stuff, from work to family and everything in between. Been playing a lot of tennis lately which has been fun. I actually joined a team (gasp) and our season starts in a couple of weeks so we've been practicing. It feels good to say I play a sport. Who would've thunk it!

Yesterday I bought a size medium unisex t-shirt. How freakin' crazy is that? It is a little snug, but that may just be me being self conscious about it. Incredible. I also bought some size XL unisex athletic pants. Boggles the mind. I'm having to retire my 2XL's which had been baggy, but comfortable, now they are a little too baggy. I'm consistently in 12/14's on top and 16's on the bottom. I can see those 16's slowly transitioning into 14's at some point.

Weight has been steady in the 230's although I think I may tone down the carbs and such and may try to trim down a bit. I've been getting a little frustrated playing tennis when I can't move as fast as I want to. It's funny how tennis is the only thing that makes me want to lose more weight even though I'm pretty content where I am. My motivation is to be a good tennis player and if it means dropping pounds, so be it. I don't have a set weight in mind, I just want to feel agile and lighter on my feet. Not surprisingly, I feel better when I eat better.

My ex-business partner has gone into full on crazy mode. She'd been emailing me regularly since I left and I finally had enough so I basically had to, quite bluntly, shut her down. She did not like it and sent me a crazy email, but I am ignoring her. I can't out manipulate her so my best bet is to ignore at all costs. I next expect her to start trying to get to me through other people, it's just a matter of time. I almost pity her, she's a sad, sad woman. Oh, and get this! She had the nerve to tell me that to truly have nothing to do with her (which I stated emphatically, numerous times) that I should return to her all my shares in the company! Uh....no.

Anyway, besides her, life is pretty awesome. The DS has been a blessing and I just continue to try to find my way through the world.

Sigh

2009-01-13T18:18:00.001-05:00

I'm in one of those moods again, the ones where I feel like I'm so done trying to lose weight. We're closing in on 2 1/2 years, I've lost 285 lbs, I feel and look great (not perfect). I'm healthy, a million times happier and have done many of the things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight". I don't know why I get in these moods, but I think because well, it's been 2 1/2 years, shouldn't I be maintaining? I don't want to diet anymore. All I want to do is just focus on other things besides tracking weight loss. I want to drink my shake in the morning, my shake at night, take my supplements and live my life. 199 and 216 would be nice, but I'm not sure I want to do the work. This morning I weigh like 5 lbs over my lowest and the jeans I bought 6 weeks ago are too big now. It seems I can slowly shrink with little effort. My only problems arise when I don't get my protein in. When that happens, I gain a lot of water weight and as soon as I start getting it in, the weight falls off past my lowest previous weight. I just want to eat like a normal person, play tennis 2-3 times a week and focus on other stuff. I'm not sure 199 or 216 is what I truly want, it's chasing numbers. It would be nice to say I lost 300 lbs and it would be so awesome to see onderland, but maybe I worry about that stuff when it comes to start seriously thinking about plastics. I have so much excess skin that if I had it all removed, I'd easily be the size AND weight that I'd want to end up at. I figure ramping up to plastics would mean several months of getting into the best shape possible, maybe that's when I worry about losing those last 20 lbs or so.

I don't know. Maybe it's time to start really focusing on maintenance instead of weight loss and mostly focusing on other parts of my life. If I just hit my minimums of 150g of protein, 64 oz of sugar free fluid, all my supplements every day plus 2-3 days of tennis a week, then I'm good. I know I'll never be normal, that's what I signed up for when I had this surgery, but I want to be post-DS normal.

I did good, y'know. Not too shabby. Maybe it's time to really start enjoying the success.

Wow

2009-01-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

I love my DS. So, as we all know, since Thanksgiving my eating had been crazy, not enough protein, FAR too many carbs, too much sugar, etc., etc. While it was fun, one thing I did notice was how fatigue and sort of listless I was feeling. I still had maybe 100g of protein, still took my supplements and played tennis 1-2 times a week, but I didn't feel like my normal self. I hadn't been weighing daily like I usually did and so the weight started to creep up. Here's the funny thing about my weight gain, it's all water, I never gain fat, in fact over the course of the last 8 weeks, while the scale went up, my clothes fit the same. My lowest weight ever was 231.2 lbs. This past Monday, I topped the scale at 266.0 lbs. That's a weight gain of roughly 35 lbs. Crazy, huh?! This morning, after eating like a good DS-er all week, my weight dropped down to 238.2 lbs. That's a loss of almost 28 lbs in like 5 days. I know you don't gain 35 lbs of fat in 5 weeks and if you never gained it, you can't lose 28 lbs of it in 5 days. I seem to be one of those people who can gain water weight very rapidly. Tuesday-Friday, I peed it all off, seriously, I was going to the bathroom to tinkle, like 10-12 times a day. I had actually anticipated not getting back to where I was til the end of the month, but it seems like I can maybe get there sooner which would be awesome. The DS rocks the box, it's a possibility that after all the water weight is gone, I might have actually dropped a few pounds of fat!

I've been working hard at getting my business started. I've been spending a lot of time talking with future clients, industry experts and contacts, something I didn't do hardly any of when I worked with my old business partner. She was more than happy to relegate me to the sidelines and I was more than content to sit there. At 500+ lbs it's hard to portray confidence. Now that I am close to normal, I don't have much of that anxiety and fear. I do have a ways to go though, but I am aware of it and am working on it. Anyway, I had been in preliminary discussion with a new potential business partner, we've been talking high level and trying to meet regularly to work a few things out. I've had a good 9 years of working at small startups so I know what it's like, he really hasn't and although we're good friends, I don't think I will be business partners with him. Part of it is, he's always late. Always. Now, maybe I'm anal, maybe it's the fact that I grew up with a dad who was in the army and has never been late in his life, maybe it's genetics, I don't know, but I hate tardiness. Hate it - however, I'm not a Nazi about it. I know sometimes, stuff happens, that's life, but for chrissakes, give me a call, let me know you're running late. It's so disrespectful and I don't think he gets that his chronic tardiness is basically saying "my time is more important that yours, Tia" and that just grates on my nerves. I don't think he's intentionally thinking that, but it is what it is.

This is also brings up issues of dependability. I don't truly feel like he's all that dependable. I know he's smart and hard working and persistent, but I don't know that I can trust him to be on time for a meeting with a client, or get things done when we need them to. He's far too laissez-faire for me. I just don't think it'll work out. That is what my gut is telling me and I need to listen to it, even if it means temporarily damaging our friendship. Doing a business together would do infinitely more damage and frankly, I'm not into babysitting right now. I'm not interested in wondering how late he's going to be, wondering if he did what he said he was going to do, etc. Not in the mood right now. Thankfully, nothing has been signed, it's all just talk, so I'll be wrapping it up with him soon.

Today, it's time to run some errands! Woo-hoo! Gonna go for a walk and/or hit some tennis balls, I have a group lesson on Sunday and want to be prepared. Then it's off to the grocery store for my weekly food shopping and I have to get an emergency stash of protein powder since my order from Vitalady won't be here til Friday. After that, it's a little house cleaning, then a few hours of business development stuff, maybe a little database design, then I'm off to a birthday dinner & party for a friend.

Have a good one, y'all!

#600... and it's a doozy!

2008-12-28T17:46:00.001-05:00

Believe it or not, this is my 600th post, 600 posts in like 2 1/2 years. Wow. That's a lot of blabbing on my part! Well, it's that time of year and so I have been thinking long and hard about resolutions for 2009. This time around, it's not so much about accomplishing a lot of little things, but I want to focus on making good strides toward living a normal healthy lifestyle where my weight and my surgery and my body issues aren't so present in my day to day life.

I've been back and forth with myself over the last several months about whether or not I am happy where I am weight-wise, whether getting down below 200 is feasible or not, whether hitting a certain number is all that important to me. I think what I have learned from all that is I still have issues with the fear of success. It is by far, the hardest thing for me to overcome, it sucks because I really want to be able to say that I'm done losing weight, but I guess, subconsciously, I am afraid of what that really means. I don't know. This hurdle, by far, is the most important one for me to overcome in 2009.

Having said that, after a very crazy holiday season filled with lots of holiday food of all kinds, it's time to get back on track. I continue to slowly shrink in size (which honestly boggles the mind considering how I've been eating lately) so I know my DS still works. I am going to focus on exercise. I haven't pushed myself lately and I think it's time. I've been playing a fair amount of tennis, but with the sketchy weather lately, it hasn't been consistent. I will be signing up for a gym in January, like the rest of America and will start the exercise portion of the Body for LIFE program. I've done BFL before with good results and I will continue to do tennis 2-3 times a week, mostly Sunday afternoon and Monday evenings.

My nutritional requirements haven't changed. Still need to get in at least 2 protein shakes a day, preferably three. Still need to take my supplements, still need to greatly limit the carbs and dairy in my diet. On this front, the only thing I need to improve is to maintain consistency and to basically expand my horizons a little bit and be a little more adventurous with my food. Eating the same things over and over again is convenient, but makes it easy to get off track when boredom sets in. I have to learn that not all veggies are evil. :)

Long story short, yes, the ultimate goal is to see onederland. I don't know when, I'm not putting a timetable on it, but that's the goal. I hope to get pretty damn close within the first 12 weeks.

I made great strides in 2008 in being more social, the biggest thing toward that end was leaving my business and returning to the corporate world. Awesome. It was like I was missing from the world and rediscovered life. I've had a great time just going to work, going out to lunch, going to functions after work, basically just being engaged with other people without all the BS and craziness. I really, really missed that when I was working my my business partner. It's also been awesome to get up every day and look like and feel like an adult. I know that's a weird statement, but I've really enjoyed buying and wearing work clothes, mind you, we have somewhat of a casual work environment where many of my coworkers are t-shirts and tennis shoes type of folks, which is perfectly acceptable, but I don't want to be one of them. I was a card-carrying member when I was 500+ lbs, but not anymore. I like wearing good clothes to work, having my hair look cute, wearing an actual coat with a scarf, all of that. It just makes me feel good and makes me feel like I've made big strides in leaving some of the old Tia behind that needed being left behind. The one thing I wanted to do in 2008 that I haven't done yet is date. I really want to start dating but haven't the slightest idea of how to get that going. One thing I did notice is that I am oblivious to signals that guys send off. I saw this one guy in the cafeteria at work and we had a little moment, a little spark and I just walked away... it didn't occur to me til later that duh, there was something there. Sigh, I need like a dating coach or something.... The old biological clock is ticking and it's not like I want to get married tomorrow, I just want to be going down that road.

All of this is important because in 2009, I will be focusing on my new business venture which I am very excited about. I've been working on it for like two months now and it's materializing into something that I really feel will be successful for me and most importantly, I get to drive. I get to set the tone. I get to be leader and that excites me the most. I've been able to network and talk to potential clients and have felt incredibly confident in myself and I finally know what it's like to not have to be so worried about how fat I am. It's awesome. These are people who haven't the faintest clue that I was ever so morbidly obese and it's such a trip to actually be normal. Y'know sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and still see a fat girl and then other times, especially when I can see my reflection up against people whom I consider to be normal, I am still shocked that I'm fairly normal, at least normal enough to not stand out from the crowd -- except for being almost 6' tall, but I'm used to that!

Going back to BFL issue, it's a 12 week program and in that time, my goal is to work the program as best as I can. In those twelve weeks, I want to lose 25 lbs of body fat. I don't know if that is going to translate to 25 lbs lost on the scale because with this program, it does increase muscle and strength. I think the best measure of success will be a combination of fat lost, weight lost and inches lost. I will take my % body fat on Day 1 and will keep a weekly tally. I will do the same with measurements, but will make that a monthly thing and weight loss will be a daily thing. The BFL program has it's own progress sheets so I will be keep those up.

I feel good about the start of the year, it isn't a big huge goal, just something to get the year started off right. I do have much smaller ambitions, like reading more books. Since I've been taking public transportation to work for the last 6 months, I have read a ton of books, some of them from my list from last year, others that have caught my eye and some are recommendations from friends. I have a stack of 7-8 books that I've purchased in the last couple of weeks that are already on my reading list and I look forward to picking up some more. First up is "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini, I love "The Kite Runner" so am looking forward to finishing this one.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bunch of Real Woman Dollars from Lane Bryant so I decided to go shopping (yet again) and surprise, surprise, I am thisclose to being too small for that store. All the tops are really too big, the sweaters are okay because I usually wear some type of shirt under them so they fit fine. I am suffering from loose waist/bagging bottom syndrome in my Right Fit size 2 jeans so I bought a couple of pairs of size 1's which fit better although they are a little snug in the thigh. Ah, my thighs, my perennial problem area. Hopefully, the work I do in BFL will help. I don't plan to have any kind of plastic surgery in 2009, but will probably start seriously looking into it. I need a lot of work done and will just have to determine what are my wants and what can I live with.

Okay, so I have to tell you about Christmas. I spent Christmas at my friend L's house. I initially thought it was going to be a large group of similarly stranded folks gathering to partake of some holiday cheer, turns out it was largely her family and several neighbors, not too many other single folk. Anyway, it was great overall, food was awesome and I enjoyed myself for the most part. Here's the thing, this is a friend I had known in college and especially during our freshman year, we were very close. To be honest, she was also the pretty one and I was your typical "fat sidekick". That was the role I served, she wasn't much a friend in retrospect, it was really all about her and all the drama in her life. That was the case for the first couple of years of school, but it calmed down the last two years and I sort of went on my way. After graduation we ended up in the same city, but we didn't really live close to each so we didn't hang out much, but when we did, same old story. Anyway this one time, we were volunteering with our local alumni club which was sponsoring a fundraising event, a black tie affair. We were tasked to welcome the guests and give them name-tags or something, I really don't remember. Anyway at the beginning of the night, we were sitting at a table with 3 or 4 other friends (all women) when her boyfriend at the time shows up. She gets all giggly and proceeds to introduce him, one by one, to everyone at the table - except me. I was so hurt. The funny thing is that if I truly thought it was an accident, it wouldn't have bothered me so much and I probably would have just introduced myself and forgotten about it, but in my heart, I knew it was intentional. I was already feeling self-conscious because I had to wear my standard black skirt, white shirt (the only "dressy" outfit I had) and of course, I was the biggest person there. I already felt crappy from the get-go and then she goes and does that. After that night, I avoided her and maybe saw her once or twice in the following weeks, but honestly hadn't talked to her in like 8 or 9 years.

So Christmas dinner, 2008. I will be the first to admit that sometimes people change and I had largely forgiven her and frankly moved on. This is her first time seeing me in years, so obviously, I've lost a lot of weight and she seems genuinely happy about it. Everything seems fine, I get introduced to her whole family, they are perfectly nice people, all is good. Then her neighbors get there. Her out of town family members don't know these people, neither do I. L proceeds to introduce her neighbors, one by one, to everyone there - except for me. It registered in my brain, but I was like "ok, whatever" and I make sure to introduce myself and move on.

After all that, we eat, after dinner, we play a few games - Taboo and Catchphrase, good times. So we're all chilling talking and stuff and the conversation turns to how good the food was. L starts talking about which person made what -- so and so made the banana pudding, she made the spaghetti, her dad cooked almost all the desserts, etc. She runs down almost the entire menu and mind you, I'm sitting almost directly in front of her, maybe 3 feet away and she doesn't mention anything I brought. Mind you, I brought the freakin' Christmas ham and baked mac & cheese, both big hits! I just looked at her. I was done. It's like what Maya Angelou said "when people show you who they are, believe them!" I saw all I needed to see and within an hour or so, I was in my car, making my way home. I won't be socializing with her anymore. It's not that I'm mad, honestly, I'm really not, I feel more relieved, like I dodged a bullet, because what I do remember most about our "friendship" in college was that I was a very, very good friend to her and she wasn't much of one to me. She was exhausting and kinda shallow and trifling. Nope, don't need that crap. When I hugged her goodnight, it was more of a good-bye. I'm sure I'll come across her now that I'm more out and about and I'll be sure to be perfectly amicable, but outside of that, not gonna go there!

Well, I've babbled enough. I need to start blogging more consistently, I tend to keep all my thoughts in reserve and then it's like an avalanche! Good grief!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T08:30:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays, y'all! I hope you got what you've wanted for Christmas. I'm headed over to a friends house for an early Christmas dinner @ 1PM, then over to my cousin's house sometime in the early evening. The affair at my friend's house looks to be a big one, something like 25-30 people! To be honest, I am a little nervous, I'm always a little anxious around a lot of new people. I think I may only know a handful of people there. Luckily, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin so I just got to think positive and enjoy the day. I am certainly looking forward to the food. I am bringing the ham (gift from mom & dad) and I made a baked mac & cheese with Dreamfield's pasta and a ridiculous amount of cheese. Yum, my favorite, especially since it's low carb!

Have a good day, y'all, and many blessings to you and yours!

Fe

2008-12-14T20:59:00.003-05:00

Time to call my PCP to get my iron checked, been feeling a little unusually run down for some reason. It seems like quite a few DSers are struggling with this lately, I guess it's my turn.

Not good.

2008-12-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

So, something went wrong this weekend. I over-ate when I shouldn't have and spent the better part of an hour Saturday night hurling my brains out. I hurled so much and so violently, I burst quite a few blood vessels in my eyes and face and look downright frightful. I've never had that kind of reaction before. It was horrible. I must be trying to eat more than I need to be consuming because episodes like this always start off with a sensation of food stuck in my esophagus causing an uncomfortable feeling, then I think my esophagus starts to spasm and whatever is stuck has to come up. Lying down and trying to let the feeling pass doesn't seem to help much at all. Ugh. I actually worked from home today to sort of settle myself and was kinda hoping the severe redness would subside some...it really hasn't. Oh well, everything I've read says it'll take a few days so I'll just have to deal with it.

To be honest, it's a little frustrating, but I guess I have to remember that I still need to pace myself, even this far out. The culprit, by the way, was the dreaded chicken breast.

Random Sunday Stuff

2008-11-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

I am turning into my mother's child! I went shopping yet again today, Lane Bryant was having a sale and as much as I would like to not have to shop there, their pants - specifically the Right Fit Blue 2's - fit me perfectly and flawlessly. The sale was Buy One Get One Free, so I ended up buying 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of khaki pants, a pair of black pants and two shirts, all for about $100. Awesomeness. My previous shopping trip and this current one have earned me $175 in Lane Bryant dollars or whatever they're called so I have those to spend in the next two weeks. I think I am going to focus on undergarments next time around.

I am really intent on looking good at work and whenever I go out. Looking good makes me feel good and certainly makes me feel more confident. I hardly ever felt that way before I lost all the weight.

I must have been more tired than I thought because I laid down in my bed last night around 7:30 thinking I'd watch one of the late football games all comfy in my bed, then probably go to bed around 10, but that didn't happen, not even close. I think I conked out around 8-8:15 PM and woke up around 8:30 this morning. Goodness! I haven't slept like that in ages. It was great although by 1PM, I felt like I could take another nap. Sometimes too much sleep ain't good, believe it or not!

My sister, S, called me this afternoon to talk about our older sister, L. Another sister, C, called S earlier and told her that L had "taken" something of our mother's without her knowledge and obviously not her permission. This pisses me off to no end. Right now, I feel like I want to throttle L. How dare she! L is somewhat of an anomaly in our family because she is, by far, the most morally corrupt of us all. I don't get it. For the longest time, she was our mother's favorite child - by far - and so was probably spoiled more than the others (I have no idea about this because L was in her 20's by the time I was born). I do know she is incredbly selfish and conniving and I don't trust her AT ALL. I just infuriates me that she feels it is okay to completely take advantage of mom and dad like that. I truly hate to say this about a sibling of mine, but I absolutely do NOT like her. None of us are perfect and we all have our own issues, God knows I have mine, but one thing that we do in our family is we respect each other and we especially respect our elders. We don't cuss each other out, we don't call each other out our names and we don't talk back or disrespect our elders. This doesn't mean we can't disagree and voice our opinions and push back when we need to, we just don't act a fool. L, did exactly that which was completely unheard of in our family. All this concerns me because my parents have greatly slowed down and are somewhat fragile and I do not like the idea that L has access to their house and I don't trust her to not act selfish and potentially criminally if something should happen to them. I just don't trust her. I'm going to have to keep my eye on her. I hate that it has to come to this, but it is what it is.

Anyway, back to the grind tomorrow. Haven't been to work in a week and am not really looking forward to it. Texas was so relaxing, but being back means that I need to get things going with my new venture. This stuff excites me so I don't mind that so much. I have a couple of meetings over the next couple of weeks and now have plenty of professional stuff to wear. Now is the time to sort of re-introduce myself to the tech community here in Atlanta which is a scary thing, to put your name out there and I have to make sure my name and who I am and what I am about is completely positive. I think I am ready for it. People who've known me for years know I'm all good and I have a good reputation, now is the time to really spread my wings and extend outside of my small little circle of friends and colleagues. The tail end of 2008 and all of 2009 are going to be significant for me. It'll be amazing, I know.

Stuffed.

2008-11-28T13:28:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving was awesome! This holiday is mostly about the food, and at my parent's house, there was plenty of it. We had the usual fare with a few southern staples like collard greens w/ neck bones and baked mac & cheese. There was plenty of dessert as well, sweet potato pie, pecan pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate chip pie and chocolate cake. I was all ready to be a total pig yesterday, I had it all planned out. Instead of one big meal - which is impossible for me now post-surgery - I was gonna pace myself and enjoy a steady, well paced of small meals. Instead of having 5 or 6 different things on my plate, I was going to eat 2 things at a time, with a small dessert every 2 hours or so. My first small meal consisted of my two favorites ham and mac & cheese! YUM! BTW, I made the mac & cheese myself with Dreamfield's pasta and people loved it and no one could tell it was low carb.

Anyway, so I eat the first meal and then dig into some lemon meringue pie. It was delish, but about an hour later - I wasn't feeling so great. My stomach started doing cartwheels and rumbling like crazy. The gas was out of control. It took some Mylanta and another four hours of pooting billowing clouds of gas before I felt okay enough to try to eat again. So, on that front, it was a bit of a disappointment. I didn't get to eat like how I envisioned, but I guess that's why Thanksgiving is on a Thursday so you have Friday to phase II! The funny thing is, I'm more interested in eating more ham & turkey than I am in the leftover desserts which is definitely odd for me.

Besides the food issue, I had fun with my family. We are a large and boisterous bunch so it's always a crazy time when we get together. The kids surely had a great time, by 4pm they were hopped up on so much sugar and the excitement of being around their cousins that they were literally running around the house screaming and laughing. Hilarious - and it was nice to do a little running around with them. This is one of the many unexpected benefits of surgery and losing the weight. It seemed like my nieces and nephews were always sort of skeptical or wary of me when I was 500+ lbs, they definitely kinda stayed away, I was sort of the freak of the family. Honestly, they probably didn't know what to do with me. Now, it's so different, I get plenty of hugs and we joke and play and run around, I definitely have much better relationships with them. It's so nice and SO much fun!

On a side note, one my sisters doesn't like to drive so I had to pick up her and her two sons and bring them to the house for dinner. This is a sister that I am seriously concerned about because in the last 10 years, she has probably gained 200 lbs, and honestly, probably like 100 within the last 3 years. If I had to guess, she is over 400 lbs and is having major issues with her knees. I'm really afraid for her because she smokes a lot, drinks probably 2-3 times a week, eats like crap and gets zero exercise. In some ways she isn't as bad off as I was when I weighed 500+ lbs, but in many ways she definitely is. At my highest, I was still able to do what I need to do, even though it wasn't easy. She has two kids who do a lot of the running around for her so she gets to offload a lot of that on them. Sigh. I honestly feel she is an ideal candidate for the Duodenal Switch, but approaching her about it is a delicate thing. We have talked extensively about low carbing and I have been doing my best to be as thorough as I can about it and offering up all the tips, advice and even websites that I can so that she can be as successful as possible, but who are we kidding, the odds of her losing 200+ lbs low carbing are slim and even if she does, she'll have to work miracles to keep it off long term. She wants surgery on her knees, but they will never do it at her weight. The only thing I can think to do is be as supportive and go hung as I can about low carbing with her and plant the surgery seed and nurturing it.

I'm headed back to Georgia tomorrow and find that I wish I could stay a few more days in Texas. My parents are getting along well and there really wasn't much for me to do for them while I was here. I setup a webcam & Skype for my dad and he LOVES it. We'll be able to use it frequently and will give us plenty of opportunities to stay close. My mom has mentioned to me, a few times, that she doesn't think I need to lose any more weight or get any smaller. I kinda just said "ok" and left it at that. I know better! My weight isn't changing that much, but it seems like maybe it's shifting or something because clothes are fitting differently and I'm slowly slimming down. I'm not going to kid myself and think that my eating this month is going to be stellar, nearly impossible this time of year, but I am going to make sure that no matter what, I will be getting in at least 2 protein shakes, if not three. I may not be able to attain perfection, but I know I'll be able to consistently set my nutritional foundation every day.

Today is going to be a lazy one. It's almost noon here so the plan for the day is to go get some Mexican food and maybe do a little shopping. I'm then going to just relax, spend some alone time with mom & dad separately and start packing. Thank goodness I have Sunday to recover and then it's back to the grind on Monday.

Yes, I'm still alive

2008-11-19T20:35:00.000-05:00

Life is crazy nowadays. Things at my full-time gig are getting a little weird. I'm contracting at the moment, but it looks like they will be offering all us contractors full time positions. I'm not sure I want to go that route, there are still quite a few things up in the air. Oh well, we'll see.

Tomorrow is support group, but also a meeting of a very popular web-based entrepreneurial group that I have been looking forward to. It only occurred to me Monday that they fall on the same day. Sigh. Looks like I will be missing support group meeting because I have been looking forward to getting involved with this other group for over a month. Given that I eventually want to start my own business again, I feel like I need to do the ground work, kinda start from scratch and completely get rid of all the bad ju-ju from my previous experience and start anew. Speaking of, my old business partner is trippin'. From what I hear, she's in full on crazy mode, driving everyone around her nuts. I feel a tiny bit bad but ultimately it ain't my problem. She still feels the need to email me about stuff and I ignore her, you'd think after 5 months she'd catch the drift. She must be dense or determined, one of the two.

I'm really enjoying the clothes I bought a few weeks ago and I'm especially enjoying the new wool trench-style coat I bought. If ever there was a style of coat that was made for me, this is it. I gotta say, I look awfully cute in it. Tomorrow, I will be sure to take a picture. This is so significant for me because for years and years I didn't have a coat or jacket because (1) I was always too big to find anything that looked remotely fashionable (2) the idea of wearing a bulky coat when I was already 500+ lbs wasn't exactly appealing to me. I didn't hardly want to look bigger than I already was and (3) frankly, I had a lot of insulation (read fat) and wasn't in dire need of one. When I wear my new coat and I'm walking in the morning on my way to work, I feel like a normal person and it's so cool. One weird thing though, is that my self-perception is starting to get a little flaky. It is often the case lately that I feel downright fat. After I got to work and took my coat off and went to the ladies room to wash my hands, I examined myself in the full length mirror and flat out just thought I looked fat. I don't know what it is. I'm wearing smaller clothes. I fit in any normal seat, no longer spilling out, I don't get it. The same weekend I went to Lane Bryant, I had also picked up several shirts from Old Navy, size XL. I was dumbfounded that I was able to do that and if not for the excessive flab on my stomach, I could fit a Large. I was psyched about that, but I guess maybe the problem is that I am still a pronounced pear, maybe even more so. I am a solid 12/14 on top, but a 16 on bottom and my hips look wider than they used to. Ugh, my mind is messing with me.

I'm wrapping up my 27th month and I still surprise myself sometimes. Last night I was sitting on my bed when I drew up my knees to my chest and completely wrapped my arms underneath my thighs and with each arm I could touch the opposite arms' elbow. It was like I was giving myself a hug with my arms wrapped around my legs. I amazed myself. Stuff like that catches me off guard and forces me remember that yeah, Tia, you did lose a lot of weight. I often feel like that on the tennis court when I chase down balls I never thought I could. I knew the mind games would be a trip, but I guess I figured I would be past most of it by this far out.

Anyway, I am off to Texas next week, gonna spend the holiday with my parents & the rest of the crew back home. It should be fun. I am helping my mom cook Thanksgiving dinner and so I promptly bought a box of Dreamfield's macaroni to take with me so that I can make some baked mac & cheese. I couldn't find the stuff back home the last time I looked. I'm also going to make my green beans and probably a dessert of some kind. I'm really looking forward to spending time with ma & pa. The last time I was there it was such a stressful time, I'm hoping to just relax and chill out and eat lots of Mexican food. I tell ya, this time of year is cursed! I'm supposed to be trying to reach goal, but there is freakin' holiday food EVERYWHERE!

Give hope a chance

2008-11-08T18:56:00.000-05:00

What a historic week this has been. I'm finally fully recovered from election night and a long night it was. I think I maybe got 2 hours of sleep that night. Best part of it was talking to my parents, 76 and 79 years old. They have always been good citizens, they've been voting diligently for as long as they could. They are of a generation who have endured so much, I can't even imagine and much of it, too painful to talk about, especially my father and the 25+ years he spent serving in the army during a time when he was considered less than. I am 100% excited about our new president. I think with his leadership and a lot of citizen power, good progress can be made in our country. Having volunteered with the campaign over the last 18 months, I got to see first hand what an incredible amount of work that gets accomplished by so many anonymous folks, it's amazing. That is what gives me so much hope. I have yet to come across anyone with any pie in the sky ideas about what Obama can and can not do. I think the tone and tenor of this acceptance speech indicated that clearly, it was hardly celebratory. There is a crap-load of hard work to be done and dare I say most of it will fall on everyday Americans. I'm okay with that. We have to do our part too. It's that whole "ask not what your country can do for you" kind of thing.

In college I was a student activist for most of the time I was there. It was a lot of work and incredibly emotionally draining, but I truly believed in the work I was doing. It's tough fighting for people and causes where there isn't a lot of acknowledgment nor glory. No one really pats you on the back and you never really get any kudos and by the time you leave school, you either feel like you've accomplished something and are ready for the world or you are like me, totally burned out and incredibly cynical. For years afterwards, I thought I wasted a lot of time, but it wasn't until 4 or 5 years later when I started hearing from a few of those who where 2-3 years behind me talk about how I inspired them or they looked up to me and how I was someone they wanted to emulate. I was flat out shocked, because I didn't think anyone really noticed much. The thing, for me, was to leave the school in a better place than what I found it. I really feel like I did that. The kids now going to my alma mater have it so much easier than we did and I like to think I had a little part of that and it makes me happy. I don't have any delusions about what Obama can and can't do, he was right when he said, his election isn't the change we need, it's only the chance to make it happen. I for one, will continue to be involved because I believe in hope. I learned that from my family history and my culture early on. It's sooooo not about me, but those who will follow.

Anyway, I had an opportunity to wear some of my new clothes and it felt great. I felt like I took things up a notch. I wore a pair of size 16 pants with confidence and I think I am officially done with Lane Bryant as far as tops go. The smallest size is 14/16 and that's just too big. The sweaters I bought are fine as I am layering them over blouses, but I'm just wasting money if I continue to buy tops there as I can find a ton of things for much less money at "normal" stores.

I have a couple of tough decisions to make. Right now I am technically a contract at my current gig which is nice, the hourly rate is awesome, especially since I still get benefits, etc. The interesting thing is that I think they are going to offer me a fulltime job at the beginning of the year. The place I work has top notch perks, I mean, it's crazy, the #1 reason why they have so many long-term folks there, BUT they tend to not pay as much as far as industry standards go so potentially, I might be taking home a little less than what I have been. The other thing is that my job isn't all that challenging really. I like the environment and the people I work with, I like going to work there, I like being in the city and dressing up for work, I like the whole lifestyle of it, BUT I don't really enjoy the work, it's kind of mundane, I'm used to more rewarding work, I'm used to the work I do having a big impact. Such is not the case at this gig. The business that I am starting interests me 100 times more, but it'll be a while til I have a beta up and running and probably another 6 months until I have enough clients to support myself comfortably. The next 3-6 months will tell the tale and set the stage for how things go.

This weekend has been lazy. I am going to Starbucks @ Barnes & Noble in the morning to sort of mellow out and pick up a few books. I also have heard about Starbuck's salted caramel hot chocolate. I think I may need to try a small one. I then have tennis at 1PM and will probably just run a few errands after that. Tonight, it's football and working on my business plan and budget. Since I am starting this business on my own, I want to have all my ducks in a row.

Big things on the horizon.

2008-11-02T20:28:00.000-05:00

I've had one hell of a week, a good one, but it's been crazy. The biggest thing is that I've decided to start working toward starting a business - again. I've had a couple of opportunities fall in my lap this week AND I've had one of the vendors I used to work with at my old company practically begging me to develop a new version of the software I wrote so that they can offer it to their customers. I had been slowing working toward making the decision to get back into the game but the developments of the past week really solidified it for me. This time around, the business will be completely on my terms, no more crazy business partners to deal with. Speaking of, I hear things aren't going so well with the company now that I'm gone. Big shock ... not. One of the three programmers that were hired is threatening to bolt. Sigh. She has managed to drive him absolutely crazy in a little over 3 months. What a mess. I am soooo glad I have nothing to do with that crap.

I engaged in some serious retail therapy Friday. I was lacking in the fall/winter clothing department and desperately needed to stock the closet which also means I had to empty it out of the latest batch of clothes that don't fit anymore. Craziness. I am now comfortably in size 16's pants. I picked up quite a few sweaters and shirts from Old Navy. I then went to Lane Bryant and picked up a few more things. This is the most I've spent on clothes in a long, long time. Part of the reason is because I feel like I need to dress the part. The idea of getting back to what I love - starting/running my own business - is envigorating and now that the opportunity is right at my feet and now that I feel so much more confident about myself, I want to look the part. I want to look and feel like a CEO. I worked hard to get myself into and graduate from a top 20 school and I've worked hard to be good at what I do and to try to learn as much as I can and build good relationships so I just feel like all these little things in my life are coming together. I just want to look on the outside, how I feel on the inside. Here are some pics of some of the outfits (Note: my head looks enormous):

I voted Friday as well, took three hours, but I'm glad I got it done, now I can spend Tuesday freaking out without the added pressure of actually having to go wait probably like 5 hours to go vote.

I forgot to give an update of Month 26, but I ended up at 231.4 lbs. For a total loss of 285.2 lbs. Not as much as I wanted, but I am dealing with the Big C (still) and some water retention issues. I've been a little lax with the 3 protein shakes a day, been only getting 2 so I'm going to put more effort in making sure I get that third one in.

This week I have training at work Tuesday-Thursday and I'm a little worried about getting my food in, there are long periods of lectures and group work, I can't exactly chug down a protein shake in the middle of it. I'll just have to be sure that pre- and post- training and during lunch, I get my protein in.

10/12

2008-10-28T08:49:00.000-04:00

Holy sh!t. So I had bought this shirt about two months ago and mistakenly grabbed a size smaller than what I wanted. I grabbed a 10/12 instead of a 14/16. This was before I stopped the bad habit of buying clothes without trying them on. Anyway, when I got home and tried it on, it was skin tight, it's one of those tapered, fitted shirts that I love to wear with jeans or khakis. The fabric is a little stretchy and so it has a good bit of give, but it was just too tight. Fast forward to this morning. I see the shirt and am like "what the hell?!" and I tried it on and it freakin' fits perfectly! I'm totally tripping. A size 10/12, can you believe that? And to make things even more interesting...I'm about to wear a size 16 pair of khakis tomorrow! So let's see, I can wear a 10/12 top, a size 14 skirt and 16 in pants. That's amazing to me.

Tennis last night was totally awesome. It was freakin' freezing, but it was awesome. Half the people didn't show because it was 45-ish ° and very windy, but after 15-20 mins of running around, I had to shed a couple of the layers I was wearing. The only thing that froze were my fingers. The mobility thing is finally working out, I'm staying alert, keeping my racket in front of me, following the ball and keeping on my toes. One problem I still have is sometimes my mind just wanders off in la-la land when I'm watching the other team and so instead of thinking of what I should be doing in preparation for their return, I sometimes just slightly space out, marveling at the fact I got the darn ball over the net. That's my ADD acting up.

I'm going shopping after work today. I have got to pick up a coat, some thermals, sweaters, gloves, thick socks and some kind of scarf or something. I ain't about to freeze and it's only going to get worse.

Good stuff.

2008-10-26T18:08:00.000-04:00

Had a good weekend, got a ton of sleep Friday night, something like 10 hours, I must have been tired. All my football teams won so I am happy about that. Went to tennis practice today although I had decided I'd rather just be a vegetable and not go, but at the last minute, I went. It's funny, I still find myself trying to talk myself out of going places and doing things, at least now I can talk myself back into going and doing. I had fun and slowly, but surely, I can see some real progress. I've been working on my mobility -- making sure to stay on my toes, knees bent, racket out in front of me, eyes up. There are so many things to keep track of that it is only with practice that it'll come together. I will probably pick up a Thursday night drills class. It's for 2 hours (yes, quite the workout) and I think if I do that and do two one hour sessions a week with a ball machine, that'll be plenty of exercise for me. I've also thought about my evening commutes. If I leave 1/2 hour earlier, I can walk the 1.5 miles to the main bus terminal which is 3-4 stops before my usual one and that'll give me a bit more exercise without costing me any more time. I will definitely think about it. It'll only suck if I am lugging a bunch of stuff which is not that often or if the weather sucks, but then I can just go to the nearest stop and call it a day.

I have been having crazy abdominal issues and I'm not sure why. My diet hasn't changed much, but I've had alternating D and then C. It's weird. The only thing I can think of is maybe it's due to the fact that I had stopped taking probiotics and have been trying to mitigate the constipation with a combination of magnesium oxide, stool softeners and Milk of Magnesia. I haven't had any low carb tortillas or any low carb bread which maybe be causing my constipation. If nothing else, it was a good source of fiber BUT it caused a good bit of gas. My stomach is constantly noisy, lots of rumbling going on and it's not all hunger based. Hmmm, I dunno, I'm just going to try to keep my eating real clean this week to see if things settle down.

I think I have found my next pet project and I'm fairly excited about it. It'll take some time to spec out and more time to build, but I think it'll be cool. In the meantime, I am going to implement a smaller proof of concept idea which shouldn't take me long to do. It's a little application that I built some time ago that has been helpful to me that I think others might find helpful as well. As much as I love the relatively easy corporate life, I eventually want to get back to running my own thing and this time I want to do it right.

Alrighty then, time to go do laundry and make my lunches for the week! Being prepared makes life during the week so much easier, sometimes it's pain to spend the time on the weekend doing it, but it's paying off. I'm looking forward to reporting a good loss for October which just confirms for me that the DS window doesn't necessarily always close after 18 months. With a little effort, you can lose more weight and get closer to your goal.

Getting out there.

2008-10-24T15:32:00.001-04:00

Last night, I attended a social function after work. I was both excited and nervous. Why? Because this whole socializing thing is difficult, but I am making myself do it. It's sort of an industry related thing where a few dozen like-minded folks got together and talked about the businesses we're in. Lots of smart, witty and some geeky & nerdy folks all around. It was good and hopefully I can establish and sustain some working relationships. I still do not have the confidence to feel like I can survive and hold my own in any social setting so luckily a couple of my coworkers went as well so I didn't have to fend for myself. I made an extra effort to look the part before I left for work, nice jeans, button-down fitted shirt, cute hair, sensible jewelry, appropriate shoes. My sister says to never leave the house lookin' crazy -- you never know when you'll meet your future husband -- so along those lines, when I do know I'm going somewhere out of the ordinary, I try to take it up a notch.

As expected, work is getting to be not so intellectually challenging. To be fair, unless you're in retail or are affected financially by the holiday season, 4th quarter is usually a slow one. I feel like I need a pet project to focus my energy on and have been trying to figure out what. I do know this, I don't think I can stay in this current position long term. It's very comfortable, but a little tedious. My day-to-day is about 5 levels below what I'm used to doing techology-wise. My options are to start learning some new skills and transition to another department or after a few more months of the good, lazy life, start thinking about a project that will eventually get me back to being self-employed. I've thought a lot about how I want my next venture to go and with whom I'd like to work so I think by the time I'm ready to make the jump, I will be much better prepared mentally for it.

I don't miss working at my business with my business partner, not at all. I hardly think about it anymore. I honestly thought I'd be dwelling on what they were doing or how things were going, but not so much. The only thing I miss is having sole control over the application I built, being responsible for it's every tweak and nuance. Much of it was a huge pain in the ass, but the software itself have big upside and a lot of potential. Too bad BP is such a loon, it really could have taken off. From what I hear, she is already starting to stress out the three people we hired to replace me. Sigh. I guess it's never ending.

Death by sucralose???

2008-10-22T15:31:00.000-04:00

In my effort to reduce the amount of carbs in my day to day life over the past two years, I realized that I am consuming a frightening amount of artificial sweeteners, namely Splenda. I should probably try to reduce it, it can't possibly be good for me. Let's see....I have three protein shakes a day. They have some kind of artificial sweetener, so I can't do anything about that. The problem comes with my morning cups of coffee, I hate to admit this but in my 16-18 oz cup of coffee, I use like 7 Splenda packets. Yep, I like my coffee super sweet. Then, I buy these sugar free drink mixes at Kroger or Walmart. I don't think they use Splenda, but whatever it is, it's probably a good amount.

Yikes! Giving it up or greatly reducing my consumption of fake sugars is going to be tough. They really, *really* help with my sweet tooth, but I'm starting to get paranoid about the potential damage that fake crap could be causing, y'know. I mean, it can't be completely harmless, can it?

A better grip

2008-10-19T18:13:00.001-04:00

I got my tennis racket's grip redone and it makes so much difference. I had a sore arm and hand all week because I had a death-grip on it during drills Monday night because it was too small. I asked for help and one of the tennis instructors was more than happy to redo my grip for me. This is significant because I still find myself hesitant when I need someone to do something for me, remnants of my 500+ lb self.

During our tennis session today, the same instructor was encouraging me to react quicker to the ball. I still have moments where I suffer from stand there and stare at the ball syndrome. I haven't pushed the limits of my agility yet, I think there's a mental wall there or something. I'm aware of it and will try to move around better. It's hard though because, again, I function within a framework where my mind and my body are not always on the same page as far as ability goes.

Back to work tomorrow...boooo. I kinda liked my long weekend, oh well, gotta pay the bills!

Poking through

2008-10-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

Support group Thursday night was good, dinner beforehand was good, all in all a good day. I scored three pairs of pants from support group, two pairs of 12's and a pair of 10's. Obviously I can't wear them now, but by the time spring comes around, I should be good to go. I tried to put on one of the 12's but couldn't get them past my hips. I will try again in a month or so. I have two pairs of size 16's, now these are regular 16's not 16W. I tried on a pair last night and should be able to wear them with confidence in a couple of weeks. Woo-hoo!

Yesterday I had the day off and had plans to get so much done...and I didn't. It was cold and rainy outside so that meant a day of doing nothing. Everyone needs one of those days every now and again. Being a slug rocks.

So, I get out the shower this morning and am putting my favorite body lotion on when I feel a small hard nodule about 1/3 down my DS incision line. I rubbed it again and yep, there is definitely something there that wasn't there before. It feels like something is directly right under my skin. It doesn't hurt at all. The only thing I can think of is perhaps its a stitch from my DS surgery that the tennis ball I took to the stomach Monday night dislodged and is now trying to poke through. It could be that as I'm losing abdominal fat, the stitch is just now more prominent. I'm not sure. My scar line is pretty numb so it's not like there is a lot of sensation that I can feel. I don't know, I will just keep my eye on it.

I don't know if y'all have noticed but I have not been posting my weight lately. I'm very, very focused on reaching my weight loss goals, but I don't want to get too lost in too much number crunching and overanalyzing which I am prone to do. :) I am still weighing every day and tracking my food to keep myself accountable. Another little tactic that has been working for me to help me keep on track is allowing myself either one meal or one 2-hour period a week, usually over the weekend, where I can eat whatever I want. It's a small enough window where it won't throw off my efforts and it's something to look forward to psychologically and plan dinners with friends or any other outing accordingly. This week, I used it up at the restaurant we went to before support group and the awesome thing is that I still registered a loss on the scale the following day! So awesome AND if I don't have occasion to need it, I don't use it.

Today, it is again cold, not so much rainy so I'm going to go do all those errands I said I was going to do yesterday! Have a good one!

FYI: Calcium Supplements

2008-10-15T12:31:00.000-04:00

Review your Calcium Citrate package labeling:

1000 mg Calcium Citrate - WRONG! Contains only 21% elemental calcium or just 210 mg of the calcium DSers need.

1000mg Calcium from Calcium Citrate - GOOD

1000 mg Calcium (as Calcium Citrate) - GOOD

1000 mg Calcium (from Calcium Citrate) - GOOD

Found here: Calcium Citrate vs. Calcium Bicarbonate

Progress is good

2008-10-12T19:04:00.001-04:00

So I guess I'm in one of those moods where I am going over what I am eating and trying to improve or rather trying to identify some areas of concern, address them and look at some possible solutions. One of my biggest struggles is with my sweet tooth, I think it's genetic, because my mom is the same way. I've mitigated it mostly by a combination of opting for sugar substitutes and outright abstinence, but I don't feel like I am being as successful as I can. I would love to be one of the people where moderation works well for them, but I just ain't it. Usually it 100% or 0%. The biggest sugar hurdle I conquered some time ago was with sugary beverages - sodas, drinks, etc. I just don't do them anymore, it's almost habit now, but what makes it such an easy habit is that it is really easy to find alternatives for full sugar drinks. Such is not the case for everything.

My biggest cravings usually have to deal with pastries and baked goods. It seems like I can be fine for days on end, but then I get hit with intense cravings for something sweet & buttery or something rich & chocolatey. It's like an overwhelming urge that is hard to just ignore and let pass, especially this time of year. I'm really worried about becoming complacent and letting the next few months slip away, I've done that the past two years, I don't want to do that now. I am doing really well right now because I've settled into a routine, the problem areas seem to pop up over the weekends where my time isn't as structured. I'll have to think about that some more and come up with something. I've made it a point to get out and go run or play tennis on the weekends to make sure that even if I do eat crappy, I can burn a good chunk of it off.

With Halloween coming up and freakin' candy everywhere, I think I've found a solution that will really help me in those moments where I feel like I want to swallow bite-size chocolate bars by the handful. I was at the grocery store today and saw South Beach Living Dark Chocolate Covered Soynuts Snack Pack Delights. I picked them up and have since tried them out. I dig 'em. They're chocolately and candy-like. So awesome. I am going to keep them at work because that is where the temptations are so if I just can't resist, I have a backup plan.

I've been almost completely gluten free for almost two weeks. I haven't had any low carb tortillas or bread, nor any low carb pasta. Cheese is still in my diet, but in much lower quantities. Lately it's mostly been in Alfredo sauce, one of my favorite dishes at the moment is to make chicken thighs, slice them up, cook them in some butter, onions, garlic powder, salt & pepper. Then I'll have my five containers for lunch for the week and then I'll put 1/2 a can of french style green beans in each one. Then I'll add around 1-2 tablespoons of Alfredo sauce and 1/5 of the chicken. At work, I'll nuke it all, stir and enjoy. Yum! I like eating real food for lunch at work and this makes it easy to knock out lunch for the week and it's damn delicious. The only other cheese I'll have is a slice for my lettuce wrap for breakfast. I don't have time to cook in the morning so I usually just have a shake before I leave and I actually pack my breakfast. Lately it's been lettuce wraps, a variety of 3-4 lunch meats, a slice of cheese, some pickle slices and a dab of mustard tucked in a romaine lettuce leaf. Not your typical breakfast food fair, but works for me.

I'm back down to 2 protein shakes a day with no signs of edema, so that's good, although I do sometimes get hollow leg syndrome and feel like there is not enough food in the world. It's weird because I usually have to wait at least an hour or more between feedings, but sometimes it feels like I could eat again after 15 minutes. I feel like that way now. Part of that is because I went running today and nearly ran 1/2 a mile non-stop, then did the same for two 1/4 mile intervals. I've never done that before so I was sweating big time by the time I finished. By the time I got home (after the grocery store) I was feeling seriously depleted, even a couple of hours afterwards, so I've been eating & drinking water like crazy.

Had a late lunch with some friends, so that was fun and then came home and took a nap. It's laundry time right now so I'm chilling and getting mentally prepared for the week. It might be a doozy. I have to pick up a few technical skills over the next few weeks so I'll have to keep my ADD in check. Tennis drills tomorrow night and I plan to be more prepared than last time. My energy stores tend to bonk around an hour so I gotta find something that I can digest mid-drills that'll prevent me from being sluggish.

I just tried on a size 14 skirt...and it fit. :)

Awesome Deal!

2008-10-11T17:32:00.000-04:00

So I went to Best Buy with the intent of purchasing a DVI-to-HDMI adaptor for my use with my Dell Studio laptop and my two 22" monitors. The plan was to use one VGA connection for one monitor and the DVI for the other monitor. Anyway, so I get there and I'm strolling around the laptop section and see the returns table of open box computers and I see several Macs and in particular I see a salesperson talking up a Macbook Pro to this other customer. I made my way over to the other side of the table trying to see if there were any other Macbook Pro's around. There were not and when I heard the price, I was immediately filled with regret. Had I been over there 2 minutes earlier, I would have seen the computer and snagged it. Anyway, it didn't take much convincing and the customer was, of course, sold. I was bummed, but I thought "ask the salesperson" so I was like "hey, do you have any more Macbook Pro's?" and he said "Yes!" and I was like "holy crap!" So, he goes back and 5 minutes later, he brings back a Macbook Pro that was recently sold and had to be returned. The price was $1599 and I said "I'll take it." This computer retails for $2000 and it initially was the one I really wanted, but didn't get because it was a little outside of my budget. $1600 is much more like it. I think the price was cut more than normal because Apple is about to release the next version of the Macbook Pro, but that's fine by me. I plan on selling my Studio 15 plus one of the 22" monitors and should get somewhere between $1000-$1200 which would be absolutely perfect! I am a happy girl! My Studio 15 was okay, but it had Vista installed and I'm not a fan of Vista, the operating system is okay, my biggest beef is that some of the software I like to run doesn't run on Vista so I either had to do a lot of remoting onto servers or had to use different computers. With my Mac, now I can run Parallels or VMWare and run Windows XP as well as the Mac OS so it's all good! I will have ever thing I want on one machine. Awesome! It's funny how things work out.

2008-10-10T21:34:00.000-04:00

Should be a good one this weekend. Gonna go put my new running shoes through a work out in the morning, then it's Texas v. Oklahoma @ noon. I also gotta run out and buy some computer accessories, I finally have all the major pieces I want assembled together, but need a few cables and such to get the setup right. Woo-hoo! I love nerdy stuff like this. A random comment along the same lines, I ended up using both my 22" monitors, I have them adjusted to the right angles and heights where it works out great. Sunday it's tennis, football and a little excursion with some friends.

The pressure is starting to creep a little at work. We have a few resource deficiencies which means my thoughts of a nice, slow ramp-up to some of the more technically challenging stuff ain't happening and so I have a pretty sharp learning curve over the next 2 months, actually probably through the end of the year. It's a good thing because it keeps my mind occupied. One thing I don't need and don't want is to be bored. I hate being bored.

I sent some pictures of my Dallas trip to my sister in St. Louis, I haven't seen her in about a year. She doesn't think I need to lose anymore weight. I'm getting much more of that nowadays, everytime I talk to my mom she asks me if I've lost any more weight. I keep telling her no or that I'm done even though I am not. I'm trying not to consistently weigh til the end of the month, some mornings I'll hop on pre-poop, just to see and sometimes I'll weigh when I come home from work and have stripped off all my work clothes before I slip into something casual. One thing I've noticed is that it's a completely rare occurrence for me to weigh less when in the evening than in the AM. That used to never happen to me. It's kinda cool, the downside is that the following morning's weigh-in isn't as dramatic a drop, so I guess it all evens out. Anyway, I may do an official weigh-in tomorrow just to gauge progress. I'm still with the Big C, ugh, so that's affecting things. Only way to really resolve it completely, at least temporarily, is to do laxatives, but that means staying close to home all day and I ain't doing that this weekend.

I'm on the hunt for some more restrictive control garments. Spanx and Assets are fine, they work pretty great for the stomach area, but I need more control in the thighs and I haven't so far found anything that works like how I need them to work. There has got to be something out there, I will find it. I had soooo much excess skin in my thighs, and I mean a lot! Pre-surgery, my thighs were the part of my body that were the most grossly disfigured by my weight. With the drastic weight loss, they have proportionately more excess skin than the rest of my body. It can be annoying because it affect the way I walk and the size of pants I can wear. All pants have excess inches in the waist because I have to get larger sizes to account for my thighs. I don't have *that* much more weight to lose, but without a doubt the weight I will be losing will be mostly below my waist. Removing the excess skin around my midsection, stomach and arms would put me in like a size medium t-shirt, there isn't a lot of fat left up there. Below my waist, I plan on being a 12/14 by the end of the year, I'm guessing. That would be awesome!

2008-10-07T14:47:00.000-04:00

Last night I got nailed in the knee by a fast moving tennis ball. What is with (some) men? Why do they all think they're freakin' Roger Federer and have to whack the ball as hard as possible?!? This is freakin' Monday night drills, not the US Open. Geez. I don't see a bruise as of right now, but with my skin color, it might take a day or so to show up, if it ever will. It's doesn't hurt at the moment so that's good.

I don't think my magensium plan is working. I'm gonna increase my dosage one more time and if that don't do it, I'm moving on. Gonna go back to softeners, I think for some relief. I'm in a little bit of a funky mood right now. My screw-up brother is having some real problems out on the left coast and I'm torn between sending him money or just passing him off to my parents. We are less than 2 years apart but you'd think we had two completely different sets of parents. He is almost a direct opposite of me, in almost every way, especially since he is spoiled rotten. He was the first child born into the house after a 10 year gap so he was like the 2nd coming of Christ practically and it absolutely ruined him. By the time I came around it was more like "alright already!" I love him dearly, but he is very difficult for me to deal with. Most of the time I want to throttle him, but I know that as he gets older, all that immature BS he's so accustomed to ain't cutting it anymore. When I went home to see about my dad, not only did my dad have to pay for his flight home, my brother did squat while he was there. I mistakenly thought he would help me figure out a lot of my parents personal affairs and such, but nope, completely useless. After about the third time he scoffed at me for asking him to pay for his own meal when we went to dinner, I just about had it. At this point, I'm not sure what I will do. Him and my dad had a tumultuous decade or two and are slowly getting back on solid terms so I know that if I brought it up to him, he's more than willing to help his son out. Ugh, it's just kinda sad. I'd hate to be pushing closer to 40 than 30 and have a lifetime of regret. I guess it's more motivation for me really get out of life the things I really want.

5' 11 1/2"

2008-10-03T09:44:00.000-04:00

Somehow, I've grown a whole inch. I'm not sure when this happened or whether it happened over time, but the last time I was measured in a doctor's office was way back in 1992 and it was part of my medical evaluation in preparation for college. At the time I was 5' 10 1/2" and probably close to 300 lbs. I don't know if this is an after effect of losing 280 lbs or whether I've been this tall for years, but I think it's cool mostly because it changes my BMI, down a full point! Woo-hoo!

Back when I was an inch shorter, reaching my mini-goal of 216.6 lbs (equating to exactly 300 lbs lost) will still make me obese with a BMI of 30.6. Now that I'm taller, :), my BMI will be at that mini-goal will instead be 29.8. Freakin' awesome! In reality, it doesn't really change anything, I will still lose the weight I will lose, it just gives a better perception on BMI points lost.

I've really been trying to focus on my Calcium lately. I have this growing (irrational?) fear of breaking a bone, especially with my increased activity. I've largely ditched the Upcal-D as it's very sweet and has a lot of sugar which I do not need. I still have a few bottles of the Twinlab Calcium Citrate Chewables, which I like. They're very sweet and candy like and I usually keep them on hand when I want a piece of candy or something or if I am out and about and need to get some calcium in. My primary source is Citricals Calcium Citrate mammoth pills. They suck to take them, but I don't really want to mess around and if it's something I gotta do, well then, I'm gonna do it. The problem with Calcium Citrate is the constipation it causes...an ongoing battle for me. Right now I am following a suggestion that I think I got from Vitalady to take 500mg of Magnesium Oxide with my Calcium in order to move things along. I'm not sure it's working well, I still have a persistent overfull/uncomfortable feeling which can't be good. About once a week I'll have a huge poop and feel much better, and of course the scale will drop accordingly. I may go back to daily stool softeners to see if that helps.

Anywho, since I've left the day-to-day running of my business, I have such a restless mind. It took a little bit to decompress and clear my head of all that bad juju, but now I have a fire to do something else. Right now, at my current gig there are a couple of people who are leaving the group which means that I will be doing a bit of training over the next few weeks on some new technologies specific to the job. I am however, trying to find a learning path that is more along the lines of technologies that interest me more. I'm looking into a few things and luckily don't have to rush into anything. We'll see where that goes.

Listening to my body

2008-09-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I added a night time dose of iron to supplement my morning dose and boy what a difference. I thought my sluggishness was due to the crazy hours I've been keeping, but not so much. I feel so much better, I'm even not as cold as I usually am. It's funny how while I'm working hard to make sure one thing is on point (protein), another thing (iron) needed my attention. Such is the DS life, vigilance is required for life.

A good thing about the crazy hours I keep is that I now have a solid exercise plan. Tomorrow I am joining the gym at my job. I can put in my 8 hours, go to the gym and still catch the first bus home. It just works out almost perfectly and the price is right, a mere $30/month and no initial fee. They have the usual weights & machines, plus a spa & sauna and personal trainer services. I also get a fitness assessment and have the opportunity to set goals, etc. My goal is to gain some muscle and lose some fat and end up around 216 by the end of the year. The more and more I read, the more and more I realize that building muscle and improving overall strength and conditioning is important for long term health. Like I've said before, being healthy is more important to me than a number on the scale. I know I will hit my weight loss goals, but I want to be healthy and full of vigor and vitality when I get there. I don't want to be 180 lbs and be sickly. No way.

I seem to be more flabby lately, it's weird, maybe I am noticing it more. As I continue to lose fat, it feels more and more like I am swimming in a sack of skin. Lovely visual, I know, but that's the best description I can give. I don't hate it or any thing, but it's kinda getting in the way. What trips me out the most if my back. I can see my shoulder blades, my ribs, my vertebrae. More and more of the "fat" Tia is disappearing, even my pear shape is diminishing slowly. Craziness. I wore a pair of jeans today that I bought in early July that I will be giving away, I shouldn't really wear them, they're too big now...in truth, so are the pair of khakis I fixin' to wear tomorrow! I'm gonna try to go out this weekend and pick a couple of things up. God help me.

It'll soon be time to start shopping for cold weather clothes. I think I've done good so far with my work clothes, I don't do dressy too much, mostly nice jeans, khakis with fitted shirts or a cute blouse with nice sandals/flats or loafers. I'm thinking I need to look at sweaters and stuff now and maybe more substantial loafers or nice boots. I don't know. I'm thinking of going back to Texas so my sister can help me, everything makes much more sense when she is around.

Unexpected

2008-09-26T18:59:00.000-04:00

There is very little that I can recall -- whether consciously or not -- about growing up morbidly obese. It's not that not too much happened, but mostly I choose not to dwell on those memories, instead, opting to try to live in the now. There is one instance, however that I won't forget. I had just gotten on the school bus on the way to middle school and there weren't any seats left and immediately I felt an overwhelming of mixture of embarrassment, shame and dread which only doubled in intensity when I quickly realized that none of the boys dared to give up their seats for me and so, I, the fat girl, had to stand up the entire trip to school. Talk about soul-crunching. I was never the girl that boys held the door open for, or offered their chair to or any of that. Chivalry was not something I was familiar with. Fast forward to this afternoon and I get on the bus to go back to suburbia and I'm instantly transported back to my 14 year old self and again I see that every seat is taken. I look from the front of the bus to the back - half filled with men - and after a few seconds start taking off my back pack in order to steady myself for the ride when a nice man kindly offers his seat to me. I tell ya, I nearly burst into tears and I'm sooooo not the bursting into tears type. I'm getting verklempt just thinking about it now. Of all the wonderful and amazing and beautiful things that have happened to and for me the past two years, I might have to say that this ranks at the top. The only other time I have felt this way was when I was headed toward the finish line at the end of my first 10K. So, maybe I'm overreacting, this is the south so chivalry is allegedly abundant but oh my gosh, I have to tell you, my heart was filled, absolutely filled, when the man gave up his seat to me. Sometimes I still operate in fat girl (a.k.a. invisible girl) mode where I just assume that the way I've been treated before is the way I will be treated now, but apparently that may not be the case, needless to say that it is both a sad and a happy thing.

I don't know y'all, it was such an unexpected thing, I didn't expect to have that boost of awesomeness in my life today, but I'll gladly take it.

Missing.

2008-09-25T19:50:00.001-04:00

Where the hell have I been? Yes, I know. Well, I went to Texas, had a grand old time and came home with a wicked cold that I've been battling for like a week. Not fun. I'm coughing up a lung as I type. I haven't weighed since the 14th since I just got my scale back today. I took it to be used at the Atlanta Walk from Obesity event we had and totally forgot about it, then I went out of town and had to coordinate to finally get it back today. God only knows what I weigh, but eating in Texas was terrible and since then it's been mediocre, being sick makes me not want to eat so I've started to retain water again, hopefully by Monday things will be back to normal. Despite it all, I'm still shrinking. I'm starting to notice the veins in my arms now, I gotta tell ya, it kinda freaked me out. I also have almost no back fat, attractive visual, I know, but seriously, you can clearly feel and even see a hint of my ribs from the back. Awesome.

Anyway, just checking in and letting y'all know I'm still around, just drugged up, tired, cough-y and sneezy. Ugh.

Random question: Does plain old Tylenol make anyone else absolutely groggy? Absolutely puts me to sleep although my understanding is that it shouldn't...

You know you're losing weight....

2008-09-09T20:37:00.000-04:00

.... quicker than you realize when your Spanx start feeling like you're wearing shorts!

Tennis last night was canceled because of rain....boooooo... and again with the rain tonight, so it looks like Thursday, weather permitting, I'll head out to the courts and hit some balls.

I'm headed to Texas next weekend to go see my nephew play football, it's a real life "Friday Night Lights". He's got his eyes set on playing football on Saturdays and has some major college programs with their eyes on him so I can't wait to see him shine. He's such a sweet kid and it'll be fun to see him run around and do his thing. I'm leaving a week from Thursday and will stay through Sunday. My sister, God bless her, is going to take me shopping and teach all about this stuff I hear women refer to as makeup. :) It should be fun. Gonna take more than enough protein mix and drink at least two shakes a day, morning and night. We'll be running around during the day so getting 3 in might be too difficult BUT y'know, Texas=barbecue so I will eating a lot of that and Mexican food.

Ok, here's a weird thing, probably the weirdest post-DS side effect that I've experienced and I haven't really heard or read about anyone else dealing with this. Since about 6 months from surgery on I've had a problem where it seems like I guess I've lost weight in my throat (if that makes any sense) such that my swallowing mechanism doesn't close as tightly as it did pre-surgery. For awhile there, I would, every now and then, have an episode where I was drinking or eating and water or food would seemingly go down the wrong pipe, so to speak. It doesn't happen very often now, but maybe once a quarter or something like that. I guess I've gotten used to swallowing harder or something. I thought I'd mention it and put it out there just in case someone else had the same thing happen. I don't know, it could just be me.

Alrighty then, time for food!

Run, Tia, run!

2008-09-07T21:59:00.000-04:00

So I saw my photos from the US 10K Classic and they crack me up! I don't know why they do, but they do...I guess I still don't see myself like that completely. It's weird.

Apparently, while I thought I wasn't losing weight and not dropping any sizes, I apparently did and it's funny because it seems like it happened overnight. My large size t-shirts are on the verge of being a little too loose, my old XL's are now nightshirts and look silly if I even dare wear them in public. My size 18 pants are getting baggy and the 16's are thisclose to being perfect. The only thing I am struggling with is with the excess skin on my thighs, especially between my thighs, they are giving me a weird gait, I can't walk like how I want to because I have so much flab interference.

The impossible has happened. I want to run a better 10K, the running bug has bit. I'm slightly annoyed because I tell myself that I do not like running, but here's the thing, I can run further and much easier than I thought. I like that. A friend is going to run the ING half marathon next year, now I know I ain't doing that, but my goal is to actually run, not walk, a 5K at some point and then run, not walk, a 10K. When I can do the 5K successfully, then I will commit to doing the half marathon, even if I walk 1/2 of it. The big thing is that I need to drop more weight which is what I am focusing on hard core the rest of the year, probably the next 6 months.

Tennis wise, I am attending Monday night drills and have 1/2 hour lessons with my tennis instructor every week. Joining a team is the next big thing, but I want to get better before that happens. That's what I am focusing on the exercise front for now and I think that will keep me busy for awhile.

I haven't weighed this weekend because of the big C, no need to aggravate myself for no reason, as long as I am on track, all will be good.

I rock.

2008-09-01T13:33:00.001-04:00

Got back from the US 10K Classic about two and a half hours ago. It was awesome, mostly because of the weather - overcast and breezy! Perfection! I can't believe I am actually typing these words, but I felt totally fine afterwards, in fact - brace yourselves - I actually ran the last 200 yards! I actually ran across the finish line! I'm not sure what my time was, I think in the 1:55 range which is about 35 minutes faster than last year. I would have liked to have done better, but the hills on this course are killer so I'm happy. Most importantly, I was nowhere near last! I was paranoid for a second that I might be, but there were several hundred people behind me by the time I finished.

This is the first time, in God only knows how long, that I felt like I was more fit than I thought I was, I mean, I was passing people going up the hills, people who were much smaller than me! Craziness! The last two races, I was definitely spent by the end, but not this time. I carb loaded yesterday and tried to be smart about things this morning. I think it worked because I wasn't totally exhausted. It was kinda cool.

The only downside is the after effects of carb loading... ugh. My innards are NOT happy with me right now. Thankfully they have the rest of the day to toss and turn and hopefully will have settled down by tomorrow AM. Right now, I'm supposed to be "working" but me thinks it's nap time...I did get up at 4:30 this morning!

Woo-hoo!

2008-08-31T12:39:00.000-04:00

Weighed in at 237.2 lbs this morning! Down another 2.6 lbs. Total loss of 279.4 lbs.

Tomorrow is the US 10K Classic and I just got back from picking up my number. I'm going to carb up today, but I don't really want to since the weight is coming off nicely. I will and get right back on track after the race. I'll be honest, I do not like this race, 99% of that opinion comes from my previous experience, but I was talking to a guy who organizes races across Georgia and he doesn't like it either. He said it was a tough race and there is no shade along the way and he's right. I think that is one of the reasons why I liked the Peachtree so much better, parts of it were shaded and there were a ton more water sprays. This one is all out in the blazing sun. Ugh. Anyway, I will do it and get my qualifier for the Peachtree and be done with it. I just want to, again, not be last, and finish under 1:45.

I'm thinking that I will only weigh on the weekends since they are the only time I can really clear my plumbing before I step on the scale, it just doesn't happen during the week because I still have my 7:00-7:30 AM poop and I'm at work by then. We'll see how weekly weigh-ins work and we'll see if I can actually stick to it. :)

Random thought: I'm still not used to people just randomly talking to me out of the blue. I was standing in line for my number and a guy just started chit-chatting with me. He completely surprised me. That never happened when I was 500+ lbs. It's funny how invisible I felt when I was that big.

Year Two

2008-08-30T09:01:00.001-04:00

Wow. I can't believe it's been that long. Year 1 was all about "wow, so many changes" and year 2, as it turns out, was all about really coming into my own. Although, I've gone on and on about what's on the scale, but what the scale said turned out to be secondary or even tertiary to the growth and development I've gone through. I left a job I hated, ditched some toxic people out of my life, ran two 10Ks, started playing tennis (which I love), went to the Caribbean, bought clothes at regular stores and gained a lot of confidence.

I truly feel that I've had the journey I've needed to have and have no real regrets, I know I've could have been more strict and diligent along the way, but that's with anything. The idea is keep moving forward, the only time you ever fail is when you stop trying and stop working at it. This -- health and wellness -- is a lifelong endeavor and so I don't think there will ever be a time when I will say "I'm done". I will always have to put my body's needs first and that's a good thing. Seeing a specific number on the scale is a good and honest goal for me, but what is most important and critical for long term success (and happiness) is to maintain being a healthy, vibrant and as enthusiastic about life as I can. I can say, unequivocally, that the Duodenal Switch with Dr. Joao Marchesini has given me that and I am eternally grateful and humbled.

My starting weight was 516.6 lbs, my weight this morning, a new low of 239.8 lbs for a total loss of 276.8 lbs in two years. That's pretty awesome!

I'm happy. Knowing what I need daily in regards to nutrition, hydration, supplementation and exercise, I'm confident I can lose down to goal, just takes a little dedication and some consistency, but I will get there. I'll be there at the end of the year.

I have so many people to thank, but I won't list them all as I'm bound to leave someone off, y'all know who y'all are! I'll say a heartfelt thank you to all of you, it's like they say, no one gets there alone!

I don't have any big celebratory plans today. I'm fixin' to head out to the tennis courts for a bit, then I'm going to go try to find a new tennis bag, some more of those energy beans and then it's a full day of college football! I may run out today to go pick up my race number or may leave that til Sunday. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile and then I'll figure out some carb-loading dinner plans. I'm thinking pasta of some kind.

I don't know what Year 3 will be like, but it will be interesting, I know that much!

Woo-hooo!!!!!!!

Slowly....

2008-08-28T19:38:00.000-04:00

Weight this morning 244.8 lbs. Crazy day today. Almost got attacked by some kind of squirrel or raccoon ... or like a badger or something, I don't know, but it was scary as hell. In retrospect, it was hilarious, I'll fill ya in when I have more time, it's a good story, I promise.

Got my order of alma mater gear in the mail today, so excited it's ridiculous. Most important thing -- all the shirts are L's, no X's in sight! Woo-hoo!

Alrighty then, time for food!

Just so y'all know I'm not crazy...

2008-08-27T21:21:00.002-04:00

Got home around 8:15PM and hopped on the scale, 246.4 lbs.... That's less than this morning. I have my last protein shake to drink before I go to bed tonight, then it's pretty much lather, rinse, repeat here on out...three protein shakes...good grief.

Monday is the US 10K Classic Race which I will most likely run. I say "most likely" because I am on call again this weekend and have to make that top priority. I am working on ways to make it happen though. I went out and bought me a new running shirt and some energy jelly beans, I forgot the name....

Progress...

2008-08-27T08:01:00.000-04:00

When I got home last night, I weighed 248.8 lbs ... down from 249.8 from the morning. Yesterday I drank three protein shakes, weight this morning 246.8 lb. I knew it...

Craziness

2008-08-25T20:13:00.000-04:00

Warning! Major whinefest ahead:
Every morning I weigh, it's around 250 lbs. Every evening, first thing when I get home, 250 lbs. Doesn't matter what I drink, what I eat, when I eat, it stays the same. What does that tell you?

I've added a protein shake at night and much of the edema is gone, but still no movement on the scale. I'm a little discouraged because I put in a good bit of work this month and not even the tiniest bit of progress, in fact, I'm 5-7 lbs over my lowest. Sigh. Major bummer. I was hoping to finish off the year well, but I guess not. I can't even say "oh, but I've dropped a size." Nope, nothing.

I can't even muster enough energy to intellectualize all this. I'm just disappointed. I was hoping to not only be far away from 250, but out of the 240's by now, but now I'm not sure if it'll happen. I'm not sure what to do. It's one thing to be up 10 lbs and see fluctuations throughout the course of the day. I honestly wouldn't be as annoyed/frustrated if I weighed 257 lbs when I got home and 250 in the mornings, but nooooooo, always within a 1.5 or so from 250. It's downright maddening.

Ironically, this happened the last time I went to work at the same place where I'm working now. Same commute, same increased level of activity. In six weeks I only lost 15 lbs and this was over month 9 & 10 post surgery. The funny, interesting part is that I lost 20 lbs in the subsequent 3 weeks. Grrrrrrr.

The only conclusion I can come to is that I am not eating enough for my level of activity. It's not like I feel tired or weak or anything, only about once every two weeks am I ravenous, but that's pretty typical. I'm pretty desperate to show a loss this month so it's up to 3 protein shakes a day for me for the next week, just to see. If nothing, then it's back to square one, that or I'm gonna cry.

Okay, enough of that crap. So anyway, COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE!!!!! Thank GOD!!! It's been a long, looooong break and I am so ready. I don't have high hopes for my alma mater, but as long as they do better than last year, I am happy. The local alumni club has game watches and I am going to go even though the whole social part of it is nervewracking, but I just have to get over it and do it. I ordered some gear so hopefully it'll be here before Friday. I love football, it's in my blood. I think it's because I was born in Texas, I'm not sure. Anyway, I won't be going to my alma mater for a game on the 6th, Guy is going to be there and I just don't even want to deal with that crap, no way! Instead, I am going to Texas on the 18th to see my nephew play in a big, televised game. He's a senior in high school and his squad will be playing their cross town rivals. It's a huge deal, think Friday Night Lights on steroids. The game is what like 3 weeks away and my sister is scrambling to make sure she can get enough tickets. I know he'll be happy that I'll be there and it'll be so awesome to see him play as he'll be playing on Saturdays next year.

You must do the thing you think you can not do.

2008-08-18T20:07:00.001-04:00

I'm totally low on protein for the day, the day just got away from, but I totally rocked the box in another regard. I work on the 8th floor of my office building and I totally walked up 4 flights of stairs with my 20+ lb backpack on AFTER walking a brisk 15 minutes from the bus stop to the building. My goal is to do away with elevators at work. I think in a couple of weeks, I can walk up the entire way. Totally awesome!

I'm in a totally "totally" mood right now, I have no idea why, but I feel good so I will use "totally" and probably "awesome" a lot for the rest of the day! Y'know what else was totally awesome? My lunch. I had vegetables with my lunch. Green beans with butter and garlic, a little salt and pepper. Yum! Awesomeness abounds!

Y'know what else was awesome? I apparently overpaid a bill awhile ago and today I got a $350 reimbursement check in the mail.

One more totally awesome thing. Found while reading about Michael Phelps and his coach's philosophy about his training: "successful people make a habit of doing things that unsuccessful people don't like to do." I love that. I thought about it all night and all day. That really motivates me in all kinds of ways!

Hmmmmmm.....

2008-08-16T15:58:00.000-04:00

So it's been about two weeks since I've been eating really well and getting more exercise and strangely enough, I've been hovering very, very close to 249 lbs the entire time, at best I've been fluctuating between the same roughly pound and a half. Now, I've been averaging 130-150g of protein throughout this whole time, drinking my water and exercising at least 1/2 an hour a day. I'm retaining a good bit of water as I can always tell when I do and I can especially feel it in my extremities. Now the question is, what to do now...

I wanted to lose 25 lbs this month, but not sure that is going to happen if I stay the current course. I know what the problem is and I know how to fix it, but I am kinda tempted to keep my protein as is to see if things resolve themselves... or ... I can say screw it, up my protein and just do what I gotta do til the end of the year to get the weight off and just make sure I get in more than enough water (which ain't easy).... I'm more interested in being done than being "right" so, up my protein it is. I will start today and by mid-week next week I should know where I stand.

I had an unanticipated late night last night, I had to be up at midnight because the network folks were going to test the data center's UPS. So if a catastrophe happened and everything went down, I had to be around to get the frantic phone call so that I could panic and try to get things back up and/or start calling all kinds of other folks to help things get back up and running. Luckily, nothing happened and I was knocked out by 1:15 AM. Fun stuff.

This weekend I'm gonna finalize my exercise plans, probably a mix of tennis lessons and the gym, but I'm still torn about whether to use the gym at work or one closer to home. I'm fixin' to head out to a couple of different places in my neighborhood, including the Y and then make my decision. The gym at work is the most convenient, but I'd have to go after work which means I'd have to take the transit home kinda stinky...I have a phobia about using gym showers, totally icks me out...

2008-08-13T21:14:00.003-04:00

I spent a good bit of today pooping. TMI, I know, but what can I say? Amazing, I didn't know I could poop so much. Weight this morning was 249.4 lbs....when I got home after all the pooping 249.4 lbs. The last 5 days I've been between 249 and 250 lbs, something tells me I will be hugging 250 lbs until I increase my protein. I've been averaging in the 130's - 150's grams of protein consistently and my legs show signs of retaining water like crazy. Here we go again...I'm really, really curious to see how long this will hold up if I stay in the 150g of protein range, I mean, DS common sense says I shouldn't have to eat more than that, but I'm going to keep doing what I am doing. I'm not yet discouraged, it's more intrigued than anything else. I have made an effort to boost my calories via fat so we'll see if that does anything.

2008-08-11T20:32:00.001-04:00

One of the most frequent comments/questions I hear when people see that I’ve lost a lot of weight is along the lines of “You must feel so much better” or “don’t you feel so much better”. Typically, I respond with a mildly enthusiastic “hell, yeah” with just a hint of “duh”. I usually don’t think too much about it later, but today one lady said this comment to me in a tone that just totally rubbed me the wrong way, almost like I unwittingly validated her personal deep-seeded disgust of overweight people, almost like I gave her future ammunition to say “I told you so” to somebody. Ugh…kinda made me want to her the evil eye or something….

Anyway, work is getting crazy, but in a good way. I’m working on a sports related site that has a lot going on in the next several weeks. The parallel that I would draw here is if I was working for NBC and it was a month before the Olympics and I was one of the web developers for the Olympics website. It’s kinda like that, it’s a high profile website, with a very wide reach and the entire team is working hard to get everything ready for our biggest time of the season. Good stuff. We had a meeting today with about 10 people from different departments and we were all trying to problem solve a few issues and it was just so awesome to be in that kind of environment with a lot of smart, capable, normal people brainstorming trying to come up with a good plan of action. I totally dug it. I really missed that kind of thing working at my company. Just another confirmation that I did the right thing in leaving. This week is going to be busy though as I have several streaming video projects that I have to knock out in the next 6 days. It’s also such a confidence booster that I am entrusted to come up with a viable solution and get it implemented. I don’t want to let the team down and want to come up with an innovative solution so this will definitely be consuming a lot of my intellectual energy. I love it.

Last week I sent off for a few brochures for Executive Certificate programs at MIT, Emory, Harvard, Notre Dame and Cornell. I’m thinking about pursuing one maybe next fall. With the extra money I am making now, I should be able to have saved enough money to pay for a good chunk of the cost for one of these programs. For the longest time I swore off more school, but I don’t want to be a developer forever, I do like getting my hands dirty, but I like to think of myself as more of a creative/idea type of person so I’d like to try to find a program so that eventually I can either join a company or start my own where I can find a role that suits all my strengths. I’m just looking for now, but I need to start thinking longer term.

Have y’all been watching the Olympics? Good grief, I love this stuff and it’s not that I am just rooting for the Americans, there are so many compelling stories all the way around. Like the South Korean swimmer who redeemed himself after he got disqualified as a 14 year old four years ago. Or the Chinese male gymnast who spoke so passionately about bearing the burden of an entire country on his shoulders after the men’s team stumbled at the last Olympics. Or the three American women who swept all three medals in fencing. Or Dara Torres who is one of the fastest swimmers at the age of 41 – she is kicking butt, by the way. Or Michael Phelps who’s trying for 8 gold medals – did you see the 4 x 100 medley race from earlier today? There are so many folks to cheer for from all over, it’s so exciting!

For some strange reason I weighed in at 249.2 lbs this morning. Actually, I do know why, the big C (been pooping all day though...TMI, yes, I know). Sigh. Enough already! I went back over my last labs more thoroughly today and I think I will keep my protein in the 120-150g range during the week and maybe let it creep up over the weekend, this should take some of the pressure off my kidneys, but prevent the edema that I’m prone to. I’d rather retain the water now than have to have a freakin’ kidney transplant 30 years from now. Hells no! I don’t want any kidney damage. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Anyway, food was good, water was good, fixin’ to hop on my stationary bike while I watch some Olympics coverage. I swear, it’s like crack…

2008-08-10T16:37:00.000-04:00

I'm just past the one month mark working at the new job and I now think that I can tweak my routine in order to get the best benefit healthwise. My walks to and from the bus stop to my office is quite enjoyable -- except when it rains. Each way is about 10-12 minutes with a couple of semi-steep hills. Way back when I used to do Body-for-Life and one of the things that I really liked about it was it's 20 minute cardio routine. I was surprised at what a good workout it was in that short amount of time. The plan is to do that routine every morning AND on nights when I don't have tennis. I'm gonna try to get to at least two tennis drill classes a week. Anyway, that'll give me roughly an hour's worth of cardio, it'll just be spread out over the course of the day. That might actually be better than all at once.

On the food front, I am going to do 2 protein shakes a day, something like this:

M1: Protein shake before I walk out the door in the AM
M2: Light snack mid-morning
M3: Lunch
M4: Light snack mid- afternoon
M5: Protein shake when I get home from work
M6: Dinner, post workout

Previously I had been drinking 50g protein shakes, but these will be more like 35g each. My goal is to get adequate, but not excess, protein in daily while doing what I can to help mitigate constipation issues. I'm getting in about a gallon of water, no problem.

175-180 is the goal by the end of the year, if not sooner. I'm going to do my best to get there. In some respects I feel like I've wasted a good part of my second year, but on the other hand, I feel like I have had the journey I needed to have, everything happened the way it needed to and now I find myself exactly where I needed to. These last 65-70 lbs aren't going to just fall off easily, I know I will have to put some work into it, but thankfully with the DS, it'll be much easier than if I hadn't had the surgery PLUS I know that once the weight is gone, it's gone. The fluctuations I have had over the past few months have all been water weight, easily lost when I get back on track. It's a false comfort, of course, to know it's not fat that I'm constantly gaining and losing, and it doesn't really do anything for me in the short or long term.

According to Dr. Marchesini, I've surpassed my weight loss goal, to him, I'm at 102% EWL. In order to have a normal BMI and get down to a weight where I can best have plastic surgery, have to weigh 178 lbs given my height of 5'11". This morning I weighed in at 245.2 lbs, that gives me a total loss of 271.4 lbs. I need to lose a total of 338.6 lbs. I therefore have 67.2 more lbs to go. This is truly homestretch time. I'm 80% of the way there. It's like the last 1.2 miles of the Peachtree Road Race where it seemed like the race would never end and much of the energy and vigor I had was spent and the only thing that would get me to the finish would be the will to want to finish and the holding on to the notion that I just need to take it one day at a time. I think my problem has been looking at the goal I want to accomplish as one big giant scary thing. I need to not do that and just break it down in manageable steps. Feeling overwhelmed or feeling like this is an impossible task is a quick and fast way for me to get derailed. I think I've probably spent the last 6 months being off track.

I think now that I am away from the toxic environment of working with my business partner and am in a much more satisfying environment, I can go start focusing on my health and weight loss again. So much of my time and energy was spent on dealing with that nightmare situation that I'm actually surprised at how draining it actually was. It's amazing.

Anyway, football season is just a few weeks away and I CAN NOT WAIT. It's been a long hiatus and I'm anxious to see how well my team will perform this year. Unfortunately, it looks like I may not be going up to my alma mater to see a game after all. Sept 1 is the US 10K Classic and I really want to run in it since I did so poorly last time around, plus it'll help get me a good number for the Peachtree Road Race next year. I will most likely be taking at least 1/2 a day off that day. If I were to leave to my alma mater, I'd be leaving on the 5th and I'd rather not have too many days off or miss to many hours since I'm technically a contractor and I really want to make as much money as I can, I need to pad the nest egg and pay off some bills and just raise my standard of living a tad. I will be going to Texas for Thanksgiving so I'll already be losing 2-3 days there so I just want to be careful about time off. There is a big reunion next summer that I might shoot for, I'll be at goal weight by then and hopefully looking into at least the first phase of plastics. We'll see.

Anyway, time to do some laundry and make my lunches for the week. The better prepared I am with good, nutritious food, the less likely I am to want to stray.

Day 4 - Funny how that is

2008-08-07T20:45:00.000-04:00

With the Duodenal Switch, your eating somewhat returns to normal. It's not like you have to eat pureed food for the rest of your life, you can, for the most part, eat like a "normal" person. One thing, I have learned I can't do is drink large quantities of liquid within 15-30 minutes of getting a full stomach. If I do, whatever I just ate & drank is coming right back up. This is not a frequent occurrence, but happens every now and again when I forget that I need to NOT try to chug a glass of water after dinner. Ugh. Talk about horrible. It's just going to be one of those things I will not ever be able to do. I'm totally cool with that, especially if it prevents the fun I had last night. Ugh.

Today, was a good day food-wise. I kept it pretty straightforward, and honestly, take Day 2 and you've basically got what I ate today. My weight is down to 247.8 lbs, down 3 more lbs, and just 67.8 lbs til goal. Still dealing with a good bit of the big C, but things are moving a little bit, but I'm not all cleared out. Yuck, I know, I know, but such is the DS life.

On the exercise front, I didn't do any extra tonight since I'm pretty much sore all over. Training on the bike and really pushing myself is taking it's toll. I need to rest.

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. Where doth the time go? Craziness. Well, I'm at the end of a book that I am desperate to finish so that's it for me today.

Day 3 - No poop

2008-08-06T19:45:00.002-04:00

Not a good way to start off the day. I will be patient because I know a big ol'whoosh is bound to come any day now, hopefully sooner than later. Since I've been über diligent with my iron and calcium, constipation is my companion. Boo-hiss. I'm gonna take my stool softeners on a regular basis 'cause as much as I hate constipation, I hate hemorrhoids more.

Weight this morning, 251. Ironically, a few minutes ago I hopped on the scale and weighed 250.8. That never happens!

The day went pretty awesome, except that I forgot to eat the 2nd chicken leg I brought to lunch with me:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Chili
M3: Chicken leg, slice of corned beef, 3 slices of hard salami
M4: Sunflower seeds
M5: Fajitas! sans tortillas. Yum! Shrimp, beef, pulled pork AND beef. I ate nearly all the meat except for some of the chicken. I had a 3-4 corn chips with salsa, two bites of rice and about a tablespoon of cheese (sorry, couldn't help it).
M6: Protein shake

I'm fixin' to hop on my bike in a few minutes and get to peddlin' for at least 1/2 an hour. I just got back from the bookstore where I picked up a few books for my daily commute to work as well as a couple of moleskines...they have soft-cover ones now....so pretty!

Alrighty then!

Day 2

2008-08-05T21:29:00.000-04:00

Today was much like yesterday. Got in plenty of water and all my vits. Meals looked like this:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Chili
M3: 3 oz sunflower seeds, shelled
M4: 2 Chicken legs
M5: Tequila lime chicken wings (6)
M6: More wings (3)
M7: Protein shake

Exercise: 20 minutes on the exercise bike, plus 30 minutes of walking.

Somehow I injured my left foot because my arch is killing me. It hurts when I take a step and roll my foot from heel to toe, like a tendon or ligament is pulled or something. It's not broken, but definitely inflamed somehow. I'm trying to take it easy, but that ain't easy, I'm used to moving faster than I currently am. Gonna take some Tylenol and see how it goes. If it's not better by the weekend, doctor-time! Bummer.

I'm battling the water-retention and constipation demons. My weight has jumped up to 254! Grrrrrrrr. That's more than 10 lbs than my lowest. Not happy about that, but it's not completely out of the ordinary whenever I transition from poor/mediocre eating to good eating, especially when I increase the protein. I went back and looked at my protein more closely over the past couple of weeks and it was more in the 100-125 range than the 150's which was what I though. Oh how the mind deceives.... Ugh, I've been trying to keep it over 200 for now to see how it goes. Hopefully by the weekend, it'll be back to normal.

The question is whether I should shoot for a 25-lb loss from 254 or from 243...Hmmmm....

Day 1

2008-08-04T20:20:00.001-04:00

Today was a pretty darn good day. First and foremost, food log:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Bowl of chili
M3: Protein bar
M4: Chicken leg
M5: Chicken leg
M6: Turkey, corned beef, salami rolls
M7: Protein shake
M8: Chicken leg

Protein in the vicinity of around 200g, a little higher than I'd like, but I was starving when I got home from work. 180-200 may just have to be my range. Too little protein and I get sluggish and start retaining water, too much and I risk kidney issues so I just have to watch it. Carbs were under 50 for sure. Gonna try to work in some veggies of some kind tomorrow, maybe some green beans. Also of note, no cheese, no wheat besides what could have been in my protein bar.

For exercise, I had my two 15 min brisk walks to and from the bus to my job and then I rode my stationary bike for 35 minutes and worked up a good sweat. I was pedaling my butt off!

Water-wise, I'll end the day around a gallon and I've taken all my vitamins except for my last dose of Calcium.

Alrighty then, right on track!

Speed of Light

2008-08-03T20:43:00.002-04:00

Time is freakin' flyin' by. Working at my new gig is keeping me busy, but I am enjoying myself immensely. It's just a nice, much needed change of pace, plus the boost in moolah doesn't hurt either. I'm planning to put much of the extra money away as I know some day I'll need plastics done and want to be at least prepared for that, plus I want to take a European trip next year at some point. I haven't been to Europe in my adulthood so it's something I am very much looking forward to.

I had a good conversation with Kim this afternoon, a much needed one I must admit. She's always there to challenge me to push myself, especially when it's obvious I've been settling into old, bad or lazy habits. The last few months have seen my zest for weight loss slowing declining. You can clearly see that in my blog posts. It wasn't intentional, but as I've become more and more comfortable in my skin, am able to do more, I've come to really be lax about it all. To be honest, I've felt like I could lose maybe 25-30 more lbs and be done, settling in at 216 and calling it all a success. I think that thinking was largely flawed because I didn't take the long term into account. If and when I decide to get plastics, I need to be under 200 lbs, I need to be in the best shape possible, and at 216 lbs, that's may not be the case.

My initial goal when I first got my surgery was 175 lbs, over time it's gone to 185, to 199.8 to 216 and now I've even entertained thoughts that I was just about done where I'm currently at. The truth is, I need to get down to the 180's at least. I need to do it. I need to buckle down, get my food and water back on the right track and I need to exercise more. I need to do this. I have to do this. I don't necessarily want to do the work required, but here's the thing, and Kim is right, I didn't pay $16,000 to end up still obese. I didn't go to Brazil, risk my life having this surgery to end up weighing 240 lbs. Not after all that. I need finish what I started and not settle for almost getting there. I am almost there, it's home stretch time, I only have 60-70 more lbs to lose and I will be there. If I put my head down and get serious and focused like I know I can, I can be done by the end of the year, I could celebrate New Year's weighing 180 lbs.

I can't stop now. I can't stop at 240 and two years from now have a 20 lbs bounce back and weigh in the 260's. Hell, if I let my protein slip for an extended period of time, it's easy for me to pop into the 260's, God only knows what would happen if I really let things slip. I'd be way too close to 300 lbs for my own good. That's enough to scare me straight.

Starting today, I'm going all out Atkin's, baby! No cheese, no wheat, nothing to drink but water. Food as fuel, food as fuel. I'm going to get my 160g of protein in a day, less than 30g of carbs and a gallon of ice cold water. I am going to exercise for one hour a day -- tennis, riding my stationary bike, walking or dare I say, running. There is a gym at work and another one five minutes from my house. One of those will have to do.

My overriding desire is to be done already, but instead of settling at where I am and really biding my time til regret shows up, I'm gonna buckle down and get the job done by the end of the year. The sooner I get to my ultimate goal, the sooner I can truly put the weight loss part of my life behind me. I've been listening too much to my family members who think I've lost enough weight.

Anyway, I will be tracking my food here at least through the month. My crazy, insane goal is to lose 25 lbs by September 2nd. I know, I know, but I need to set the bar high to really push myself. I haven't pushed myself in a long time, I need to have that feeling. I will let you know how it goes!

My reward, besides "normalcy" and great health, will be a new Macbook Pro and/or a new flat screen TV. Yea!

2008-07-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

This has been a good week and seems that now I am up and out everyday, the days just fly by, which I like. So Six Flags was fun and quite nerve-wracking. Rollercoasters are so not my thing, but the goal was to get on them and fit in the seats and I'm happy to say that I fit in every single one, no problems. Most of the rides were ok, but one, Goliath, gave me nightmares and I will never get on that thing again. EVER. Besides that traumatic experience, it was a great day, I even had some funnel cake and ice cream. Yum.

I am about 6 weeks away from my two year surgery anniversary and I've been thinking a lot about what I was doing this same time last year. I didn't really end my year out strong, but I definitely want to end this year on a strong note. I'm not a believer in "weight loss" windows so I do not believe mine will just magically shut closed for all eternity on the 30th of August. I still have about 30 lbs I want to lose by the end of the year. I haven't been eating the greatest, but I still continue to shrink and get smaller even though the scale doesn't always reflect it. I was floored when I purchased size 18 pants at Lane Bryant. I had picked up a size 20 and size 18 figuring I'd try on the 18's to see how close I was to wearing them. I had no idea they'd fit perfectly. I guess those size 16's are not too far off. Mind-boggling. I remember last year I struggled quite a bit with "the new Tia". It was difficult to wrap my head around this strange and different person that I was becoming, especially since internally, I felt the same. The past 6-9 months, however, I've really started to come into my own, accepting the woman I am becoming, if not outright embracing her. I'm not perfect and there is a lot of growth for me to experience, but I am confident I am heading in the right direction. Getting away from my business partner was and is a huge part of that. I keep hearing rumblings about how she's having such a hard time, and so-and-so thinks she's close to a breakdown, etc., etc., but I can't do nothing about that! I refuse to get involved. I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel some empathy for her, I can't help it, it's my nature, but I realize that there is no middle ground with this woman and it's best for me, to not be anywhere near her for the rest of my life. I am more than content and happy to do so.

On to more pleasant things, I am planning my triumphant return to my alma mater in September, gonna go see my team hopefully win a freakin' football game for a change. That would be nice. It's going to be a solo expedition this time around, was gonna go with my best friend, but he just got back from Europe and wants to conserve his remaining vacation days, plus he's not much of a football fan. I was contemplating taking my nephew, but I think I will go by myself, it was afford me the opportunity to take the leisurely walks around campus that I really enjoy and to go at my own pace. I will, of course, have my camera with me and as the campus is quite stunning, I can easily lose myself in photographic excursions. That same weekend, I hope to take a mentor of mine out to lunch or dinner, I'm a little worried about it though. I was somewhat of a basket case in college and I'm worried that she thinks I'm that same person, I would hope not, but you never know. I plan to get in touch with her a couple of weeks before I leave. Besides those football and seeing my mentor, I really, really want to buy lots and lots of alma mater related gear - t-shirts, sweatshirts, pullovers, all the stuff I have coveted, but have been unable to buy because I could never fit any of it. The last time I went there I was kindly directed to the Big & Tall section of like 4 or 5 ugly garments. Nope, not this time around, not ever again. I know I will have to restrain myself because I will want to go completely overboard, but I'm just going to set a budget and pray that I can stick to it. That's the plan anyway.

This weekend will be pretty mellow. No big plans, just gonna finish a book I've been reading and love, Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides, and then do some cleaning the rest of the day. Tomorrow, gonna go play some tennis, woo-hoo! In August, I am going to go ahead and join the local Tennis Center and start heading over there after work everyday, I want to join a fall/winter team and need to get in shape for it and God knows I need the practice.

Alrighty then, off I go....

Looking & feeling good!

2008-07-15T20:07:00.002-04:00

First, congrats to Kim on celebrating her 3 year surgiversary! Woo-hoo! Kim, you are my role model and you kicketh much ass! Love ya girl!

Second, allow me a moment of vanity.... sometimes I just have to celebrate stuff like this because I hardly ever, EVER felt this way pre-surgery, but, y'all, I totally looked cute today! I had a cute outfit on, my hair didn't rebel against me and most importantly, I felt fantastic. Not having to deal with BP and her madness is doing wonders for me. See:This is me at my contract gig. I am wearing a blouse I bought on sale from Lane Bryant, it's a freakin' 14/16 AND it's a little baggy round the midsection! The pants I was wearing were 18's. Boggles the mind.... If I had enough sense I would have taken a full body photo. I also had the hair going right for a change, awesomeness! It was just a great day overall.

Tomorrow, I am ditching work (they knew ahead of time) and heading to Six Flags with some folks from my Duodenal Switch Support Group! I am both scared and excited! I'm looking forward to scratching this off my list of "stuff I want to do when I lose the weight" and what makes this especially cool is that I'll be there with my fellow WLS folk. I can't think of a better group to do this with. I know they will be having many, if not all, of the same feelings I will having tomorrow. I can't wait!

Happy?

2008-07-11T11:28:00.000-04:00

I know I've been incognito as of late, but it's for a good reason. The long and short of it is that I decided to walk away from my business and specifically my business partner. I probably don't have to go into all the reasons why, if you've read my blog in the last 2+ years, you'll understand why. I really and truly credit my DS for this decision. It has given me so much more confidence in myself and it's been a gradual thing, slowly growing over the last 18 months or so in such a way that I've remained true myself, but have found the courage to really start making real changes in order to attain the kind of life that I want. The past two months I had a growing sense of displeasure with my company and working with my business partner. All the things, throughout the past three years that bothered me started to come back in mind, how I never got my own computer computer while BP was on her 3rd, how she talked down to me and made me question myself, how she is taking home close to twice as much as me, how she made me feel guilty about any good thing in my life, on and on and on.

For a long time, I looked at the situation as something I just had to endure, almost like I had a new set of dues to pay or that there was some important lesson I was supposed to learn so I had to figure out a way to get through it. In many ways it was an emotionally abusive relationship that I could not see my way clear out of. It wasn't until I approached my sister about joining the staff that things started to become clearer. She, being new and coming into it with fresh eyes and ears, was astounded at the kind of person BP was and one day she asked me a question that I will never forget and I believe it was divine intervention that she asked me: Are you happy? I couldn't answer that question, well, not true. I could answer the question, but I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something about working with BP that made me sincerely happy. Not one thing came to mind. She then asked: Do you honestly see a point in the future when things will be better? Not pie in the sky dreams and ambitions, but do you see your working relationship with BP getting better? The answer was no and that was pretty much it. I knew what I had to do. After a few hours of venting 3 years of pent up frustrations and resentment, I made the decision that I was going to call it quits and within 2 days, I packed up my stuff and left my letter of resignation on BP's dining room table. Within 15 minutes she had left me a vitriolic voicemail accusing me of playing games, threatening me with legal action and my personal favorite, claiming I couldn't leave because of "all that she had done for me" and that I owned her. To say I was incredulous is an understatement. The first few days afterwards, I was somewhat of a wreck which was why I decided to run the Peachtree Road Race, I knew if I could do it and do better than I had previously done, it would make me feel so much better, not to mention the fact that I could put all the drama aside and just focus on not keeling over at the side of the road and actually just finishing the race.

I also got an interesting phone call from one of the shareholders who happens to be BP's sister imploring me that I couldn't leave, that she (along with maybe a couple other shareholders) had talked earlier that day and were planning on coming down to Atlanta to either (1) talk BP into taking a break and allowing more level-headed and normal people to take the reins and/or (2) put the chic on some Prozac or something. I told her that the same old crap wasn't going to work for me at all. I should note that this is the same person who convinced me to come back the last time. She said to give her a chance to come in town and talk to BP about this whole situation and that drastic changes needed to be made in order to save the company. She also expressed that I was the backbone of the company, there wouldn't be a company without me, etc., etc., blah blah blah and pleaded with me to provide minimal support to the staff through July and attend a meeting at the end of the month when she gets in town at which point she'll confront BP about all that is wrong. I reluctantly agreed. I did feel a little bad about ditching them with no technical support so I didn't have a problem playing that role while they tried to find someone else. During the past few days however, I've admittedly been back and forth about leaving and going. I was smart enough to start a contract position this past Monday that I really like. It's much more money, in a much friendlier and professional environment and I don't have to work all day and night. I get to dress up (“business casual” casual) and work with people that are intelligent, articulate, friendly and just plain cool. I get to drink limitless cups of gourmet coffee with Splenda from the break room and buy stir fry or Cuban sandwiches from the cafeteria. I have a name badge. I like it a lot.

What I see now is that the only way I could go back is if BP wasn't there. It would have to be a "me or her" kind of thing and unless BP kicks the bucket, it's just not going to work. There is nothing that can be said by her or any of the shareholders that will change my mind. I realized this just last night after yet again, going back and forth about what I wanted to do. I finally realized that I was kidding myself if I ever thought it could ever work out, even if she was on high doses of some kind of mood-stabilizing drug. It just could not work and frankly, I just don't want to do it anymore. I just don't. The damage is done, that part of my life is just about over, there is more in the world and in this life for me to do. It took me a week, but I am finally at peace about it, in fact, I found myself nearly giddy and absolutely beaming. When I first made the decision, I didn't feel that way, but now I do. This is what "I'm so done" feels like. I will still meet with the shareholders at the end of the month, but instead of letting them know what it will take to bring me back, I will say my final cya's. As of August 1, 2008, I will be done with that chapter of my life with already a good headstart on the next. I'm absolutely excited about it. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, it's good enough for me to know that I will not be in the same depressing and toxic situation ever again.

So, that's probably the last of that you'll hear from me about that subject unless something interesting happens between now and the end of the month. Anyway, I ordered a DVD of my Peachtree Road Race photos. They totally crack me up, by the way. I never see action shots of myself and to see that I'm not much bigger than some of the folks I'm "running" with is just amazing!

One step after the next...

2008-07-05T20:26:00.000-04:00

I know I don't look it, but I'm prety ecstatic in this photo:

After all the back and forth, I decided to go ahead and run the Peachtree Road Race 10K yesterday and I'm so glad I did. The emotional ups and down from the previous couple of days were taking their toll and this was just thing that could allow me to push all that crap out of my head and focus on a very difficult physical challenge. In short, it was just one of those things I needed to do and I'm so very glad I did. I don't like to brag, but I totally kicked ass! That's a completely relative statement, but goshdarnit, I rocked! My previous 10K, I ran in 2 hours and 30 minutes and came in an unremarkable next to last. This time, I shaved about 45 minutes off my time and finished in about an hour and 45 minutes AND I was NOT last, not by any stretch of the imagination! How awesome is that?! I felt really good this race, I had my iPod and pretty much jammed the whole way through. The race itself was amazing, it's hard to describe the thrill of running (walking) with 55,000 other folks not to mention the thousands of folks who lined up and down the streets, cheering for you. It was invigorating and I will most likely do this particular race again, it was a complete 180° than the first one I did. Post-race I was a little whoozy and having to walk like another 1/2 mile between picking up t-shirts and getting to the Marta station was almost too much, but I made it home in one piece! Woo-hoo!

Y'know the big thing I had to do, well, I did it, it was not easy and frankly one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but it was something I most definitely needed to do. I certainly don't regret it and a residual effect of doing it has opened some other folks' eyes as well. I can't really go into it right now, maybe at some other time. It was a good thing and although it isn't completely resolved right now, it will be shortly.

Moving on...

2008-06-28T21:22:00.000-04:00

There have been so many positives in my life since I had my DS that it is impossible to keep count. This past week I truly became cognizant of one in particular, that of inner strength. I made a really "tough" decision this past week that I am going to execute this week. It's one that has been tugging at me for over a year and because of a myriad of things, I couldn't see the truth in a particular situation that I now do. It's not because I'm skinnier that I see it, it's because I've grown emotionally and have developed a stronger sense of self that I can now see myself and my life in a much more positive light and so must make some difficult decisions and do some things that I honestly would not have done had I not had my surgery. Life is funny and life is hard, but life is also filled with so much potential to be happy, but it sometimes requires going through some crap to get there. I won't be able to talk much about it until it's all said and done, but I will say that I am done with the crap and it's now time to move on to better things. I am reminded of that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Tim Robbin's character has to literally crawl through 1/2 a mile of shit to come clean on the other side, that's how I feel right now. I'm crawling through my last hundred yards and when I can see the sky and feel the cool breeze on the other side, I'll know that my life will instantly be better.

It's exciting stuff, y'all, exciting and scary at the same time. If I haven't said it lately, I love my DS!

Progress...

2008-06-18T09:05:00.000-04:00

The past few days I have been working from our main business office training our new employee. I'm glad to have someone to dump a lot of the production support work off of, but training can be a pain in the butt. Anyway, I made sure I packed enough food each day to make sure I had enough protein and ended up drinking more protein shakes than I would normally like. I'm almost through the 5 lb container I purchased less than 2 weeks ago and am going to order a couple more, but am going to get different flavors, kind of tired of banana. Luckily, I am home today so I can eat normally.

Got on the scale this morning and was surprised to see 244.6 lbs, that's another pound down, for a total loss of 272.0 lbs. So I guess the weight-loss is sticking. I'm amazed. Just 28 more lbs to go til I reach my final goal of 216.6 lbs. So, I'm at 102.0% EWL for Dr. Marchesini's goal and 90.7% EWL for my personal goal. Not too shabby. I know someone who had surgery close to the same time I did who weighed over 100 lbs less than me and I currently weigh less than they do. Normally, I try not to compare weight loss track records with anyone but this person was somewhat of an annoying know it all, so I can't help but feel a tiny bit of joy that I was able to catch up. On a related note, I'm only around 20-25 lbs heavier than my sister, S. Wow!

Ok, I'm hungry now, time to go eat!

Whoa...

2008-06-16T20:45:00.000-04:00

Weight this morning: 245.6 lbs! Nope, that's not a typo, somehow I dropped 4 lbs overnight (total loss of 271.0 lbs) and I totally feel it though. This morning I was feeling really not myself, a little woozy, a little off center. By the time I stepped into the shower, I got that feeling that if I didn't get out of there immeditely and sit down, I'd pass out. I immediately hopped out the shower, drank my protein shake and ate a sandwich and only felt marginally better by the time I walked out the door 1/2 an hour later. I've had that feeling once before, almost a year ago when I almost passed out after a support group meeting. TMI Time: Aunt Flo is visiting and let's just say she brought A LOT of baggage. This is the 2nd time she's visited since I started taking the Dostinex for my prolactinoma. Ugh. I checked my blood pressure a few times today and it's averaging 85/64 range. A little low especially given my reduction in blood pressure meds. Anyway, I feel okay right now and won't panic or anything. I suspect my episode this morning is directly due to all this or due to the loss in water weight. The water weight may have artificially inflated my blood pressure and now that most of it's gone, my blood pressure is finally reading true. I do NOT care. I see 245.6 on the scale and I'm claiming it!!! I've eaten a couple more times this morning and feel much better, but my BP is still low, the last reading was 76/59. My next doctor's appointment is on the 30th so fingers crossed that this will be the end of BP meds for me.

I am exhausted though, I couldn't really sleep last night. Anyway, so I'm at Dr. Marchesini's goal. Holy crap. I haven't had the time to really sit and reflect or maybe I don't really feel like I need to. I'm not done yet. There are a few more pounds yet to be lost. I will be sending Dr. M a heartfelt email sometime this week, but that is as far as it goes. Sometimes I am amazed at the women that I've become, not because of anything I did, but because I don't look or feel like the old me and I think I'm okay with that. For a spell there, I was really struggling with not being the "Tia" I had become accustomed to and it caused me a good deal of anxiety and stress, many times without me recognizing it. I knew this was going to be the thing that I would struggle the most with. I think I've made some strides. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary and although at this point, I haven't lost all the weight I've wanted, but I think I've had the journey I've needed to have, I hope I've learned at least some of the things I needed to learn, especially for the long term.

On a lighter note, one thing that kinda sucks (but doesn't) about losing almost 25 lbs of water weight in under two weeks, I now have nothing to wear. The shorts I bought at the end of April are too big. I now look pitiful in my 2X t-shirts -- I don't know why I still wear them or why I bought one as recently as a three weeks ago. I'm planning my trip in early September so I think I can hold out til then for the most part. At worst I may have to buy a couple pairs of shorts and maybe 2-3 shirts. That shouldn't break the bank!

GOOOOAAALLLLLLL!!!!

2008-06-15T10:32:00.000-04:00

Dr. Marchesini's goal, that is! Yeah, baby, yeah! 250 is the number Dr. M. told me I'd lose to and that I'd be a success. I have officially met and exceeded that goal! This morning, I hit an all-time low, 249.6 lbs! Yea! That's a loss of 2.4 lbs since yesterday, 20.4 lbs in 12 days (mostly water) and a grand total of 267 lbs loss. Woo-hoo! I feel like I've broken through a barrier. It seems like I've been on the brink since early April when I got down to 251.2 lbs, but then I went home on vacation, came back and was sick for like 2+ weeks, then my dad had his accident & surgery and I wasn't eating like I should, etc, etc. and I gained like 20+ lbs of freakin' water. Once I got my mind right and back on track -- getting my protein in -- the water weight really started to drop. I mean, 20.4 lbs in 12 days is craziness and to think I had been lugging that around. It's a little scary too to think that my body is that sensitive to protein deficiencies and it wasn't like I was getting no protein in, I was probably in the 70-100g range, which isn't great, but not horrible, but it wasn't enough. I think for me, I maybe absorb more like 35-40% of the protein I eat versus the 50% or so that is often mentioned in Duodenal Switch circles. I have a short common channel (65 cm) and I think a good bit of my small bowel bypassed (over 45%) so I most likely tend toward needing much more protein than the average DSer. I easily get in over 100g before noon. That will be my life, I just have to accept it and let me tell you, it's a heckuva lot easier to accept choking down protein shakes everyday for the rest of my life than living a much shorter life being 500 lbs.

I sort of indirectly mentioned it yesterday, but I am officially changing my goal weight to 216.6 lb as far as pre-plastics are concerned. I want to lose as much fat as I can PLUS I want to add some muscle so I figure I can do that much more safely in the 210's than sub 200. I'm just worried that losing down to 199, I would be losing fat AND muscle which would not be good since my muscle tone sucks right now anyway. I'd rather be fit, strong and healthy at 216 than weak, skinny and sickly at 199.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there. I will be calling mine today. He is doing so much better, he's back to driving and getting out on his own and he's back to cracking jokes about mom so I know he's almost back to normal. I'm hoping to get down there sometime in late Summer, but I do have a trip to my alma mater in early September so we'll see. The trip back to my alma mater is important because I have to go thank my mentor and tell her what a positive influence she's been to me, the football game, etc. is secondary to that.

No tennis clinic today, that starts next week so I am going to go practice my serve and backhands, then it's off to BP's house to setup for a couple of new employees we have starting on Monday.

Maybe he was right....

2008-06-14T19:49:00.000-04:00

Y'know....now that I've lost around 18 freakin' pounds of water weight (252 lbs this AM) in like a week and a half, I took a good hard look at myself this morning. Maybe I am playing mental games with myself again, but sometimes I get a good look at myself and don't think I need to lose that much more weight. I looked at myself this morning right out of the shower and I've noticed two things, one, I do not have a lot of muscle tone and (2) I have a helluva lot of excess skin. I mean, A LOT, more than I realized. I wish I could weigh my excess skin to know how much it is so that I'd know if I needed to lose more weight or not. My legs are the biggest problem. Today I stood in one leg of some pre-surgery shorts and could easy walk around the house like I was wearing a skirt. Not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, I could still get in the one pant leg, but it was a little difficult walking because it was snug. I had some serious thunder thighs, if I were a braver person, I'd show you a picture of them, but I ain't so you'll have to just imagine the horror. Today, they are horrible for a totally different reason. When I stand and put my leg on a stool, there is a like a curtain of skin and fat hanging down, it looks like you could just lop it all off and it'd weight 25 lbs or something. Because there is still a good bit of fat on both my legs and some on my whole body, it compels me to want to lose more weight. My weight loss window allegedly close a couple of months ago, but we'll see about that. Maybe Dr. Marchesini was right, maybe 250 lbs is right for me given that I have sooooo much excess skin. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm sticking to my relatively new plan of just hitting the 300 lbs loss mark at 216.6 lbs, roughly 35 lbs away. I think that will put me in size 16 jeans, I doubt I'll change too much on top unless my boobs get flatter. I know I will see 199, but it will probably have to wait til post plastics. My goal is to reach 216.6 by the end of the year, truthfully, I'd like to see it by mid-Autumn, if not earlier, depending on how this month goes. Truthfully at this point, I just want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's! Enough already! In fact, I want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's and blow right past the 240's into the 230's. The 250's seem way too close to 300 for my liking. 239 would make me so happy! In due time, Tia, in due time.

So tonight should be interesting, just got off the phone with my business partner and she sounds like she's on the brink of having a meltdown. Sigh. Luckily it has nothing to do with me so I'm in the clear on that regard. Whew. BUT I know I'll have to do some soothing. Ugh. I wish she wouldn't look at everything as a freakin' personal affront. Good gried, y'know, sometimes people just disagree with you because they just think differently, not because they hate you... ***rolling eyes ****

After I ranted about not really wanting to run the 10K on the 4th, I got my cool race packet. Kinda makes me want to run it, but only a little bit. I'm thinking I just might turn it in which reserves me a spot next year. I'm just not in the mood or shape to run this year and frankly, I'd rather play tennis as we all know it's my latest obsession. I just got a kick-ass deal on 100+ used, but in great condition, tennis balls and a wire ball hopper. This way I can more easily practice on my own without having to chase balls every 2 minutes. Right now, I have around 18 tennis balls which means I can only practice 18 serves in a row or 18 forehands because then I have to walk to the other side of the court, collect the 18 balls and do it again. Now, all that changes. The best part is that it only cost me $40! I got a great deal, makes me happy!

Well, time to go drink a protein shake, watch a little TV and wait for BP to call...good times.

Oh, the pain!

2008-06-11T12:04:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up with a side stitch, like the kind of thing you get after running, that sharp pain in your side that makes you almost double over and prevents you from taking a deep breath. Sucks. This is the second time it's happened in a month. The cure is to press hard on the area with both hands and expand your abdomen out as much as possible. It takes a few minutes, but it works.

I was scanning through OH earlier and something caught my eye, a lady was talking about how she always weighs less later in the day than in the morning. This concept fascinates me. I don't think I have ever weighed less later in the day than what I weighed at my final weigh-in in the morning. NEVER. Now, I have weighed a pounds or so less after rigorous exercise, but not less than what I weighed when I got up. With all the water & food consumed, I don't see how it's possible....Oh well.

Weight continues to fall, down to 255.8 lbs, down 1.8 lbs from yesterday. Good stuff. Hoping to blow past where I was (251.2) and head right down into the 240's and 230's. Been averaging 250+ grams of protein, 60g carbs and almost 3000 calories a day....crazy, but it's working!

Random thought: I need to eat more vegetables. I hardly eat any. I don't think pickles count...

Twinkle, Twinkle

2008-06-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what a little (ok, a lot) of protein can do. Weight this morning, 257.6 lbs, down around 13 lbs in a week. Geez. I've been getting in 250+ grams of protein for the past 6 days and will maintain that level for the month. My pipe dream is to be in the mid-230's by the end of the month, but that might be too ambitious. My suspicion is that my normal protein level is around 180-200 once I lose the rest of this water weight. My problem is that I was letting it go sub 125 or so, or at least that's what I am thinking. When I was home in Texas, I maybe was eating protein 2-3 times a day instead of my usual 5-7 times a day. It wasn't until my last couple of days there that that changed.

Went to practice tennis this afternoon when I should have been running or something. Ugh. I am sooo not looking forward to the 10K I gotta do in a month. Not at all. I'd rather not be bothered, but I made a commitment and will do it. Running is DEFINITELY not for me, part of the reason why I think that is because I do believe I am still too heavy, that, or too awkward. My excess skin between my thighs is just too much in the way. I'm thinking/considering picking up another activity, something in a different arena, maybe a martial art or something. I haven't decided yet.

I'm on cloud nine right now, my grand-niece just sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to me on the phone....the kid couldn't be cuter.

What?!?

2008-06-09T22:05:00.000-04:00

94° Blazing hot again, but honestly, it feels good to be hot instead of constantly cold. I went out at lunch and practiced my serve. Gosh, it is hard. I totally suck at it, it's such an unnatural motion for me. Oh well, just gotta keep practicing. I got drenched in sweat again, feels good.

On a related note, I called the Tennis Club where I take my lessons and asked them about memberships. This particular place is a little unique because the Tennis Club membership is an add-on to the Social/Fitness Club/Pool membership. Anyway, I almost fell out my chair when the lady told me how much it was... $3500 initiation fee + $110 per month. WTF?!? That's craziness! Ain't no way I'm paying that much money for no tennis. If I didn't have to pay the $3500, I might consider it because they do have an awesome Fitness Center and it's less than 5 minutes from my house, but c'mon! The $110 includes USTA & ALTA team fees, but does not include ball machine rentals which I really want to use 2-4 times a week! Uh, no. My other option is good old Public Parks Tennis Center. It costs $325 per year, no initiation fee, it also includes USTA & ALTA team fees and FREE use of the ball machine! The facilities aren't as posh and there aren't as many tennis courts, but I don't think it's a big deal. Guess which one I'm probably going with?

Anyway, it seems the added exercise and heat are having an effect on my weight, it's down to around 260 or so, that's almost 10 lbs in under a week. I wish it were moving faster, but am happy it's moving at all! I'm hoping by the end of the month, I will be at a new all-time low. I'm also keeping an eye on my carbs, I haven't broken free of cheese or low-carb tortillas since the carb cravings are so high, as soon as I can maintain steady blood sugar and the carb monster is calmed, I will phase them out.

H-O-T

2008-06-08T20:27:00.000-04:00

Holy Smokes, 'twas hot outside...and being on a blazing tennis court made the heat worse. Tennis was AWESOME, of course. I'm doing so much better now, in fact, my instructor thinks I should join the Tennis club and have greater access to courts, etc. Awesome. Post-tennis, I was in much pain...I should have kept myself busy instead of trying to take a nap...it seemed like everything aches and I'm totally pooped out. There were only 4 students out there today so I did about 50% more running around than I usually do, I sweated through my bra & t-shirt, it's rare than I get to do that, but it did feel good to feel somewhat active, and dare I say athletic.

Next week (Father's Day), we have off and then we start Level 2 the following week. I got a t-shirt after class that has the Tennis Club's name on it...it's a large. :)

Voila!

2008-06-08T10:40:00.001-04:00

So I've gone back to my old design, I kinda missed it and I think it better fits my weather and mood. Anyway, I've started like 15 posts over the last week, but haven't actually posted anything. Seems like there is always something popping up to distract me and I'm easily distract-able. I had a doctor's appointment Monday to get labs done, it's been awhile and I'm still trying to figure out why I tend to retain so much water. Monday morning, I weighed in at 270 or so, today it's down to 263. It's frustrating because the day I got back from Texas I weighed in at 253 and that was at night and I'm always 5-6 lbs heavier during the day than when I weigh post-poop in the AM. I have no idea what my true weight is, I'm guessing somewhere in the mid 240's because I first weighed 250-ish way back in early April.

If I weren't retaining so much water right now, I'd probably be 95% happy with my weight loss to be totally honest. Losing 265+ lbs is no small feat, so I feel like a success in that regard, but with water weight and feeling it in my legs and abdomen, it makes me feel fat, which is something I do not want to feel. I know it's a protein problem and it's a difficult one to manage. Subconsciously I haven't accepted the fact that I do need to drink 2-3 protein shakes a day, I just can't get by on food alone. Sucks, but I just have to accept it, which is a difficult, I can be hard-headed at times. The goal is still sub-200 lbs. I've become a bit comfortable lately and have lost a bit of the fire I had, that happens when you're close to 2 years out. I know my DS still works, my poop tells me so, so it's just a matter of getting the fire back again and making better decisions. I have this little placard on the wall in my office that reads "CHOOSE BETTER - 199.0". I've been ignoring it lately, but need to drill it in my brain. I'm drinking my three 50+ gram shakes a day and eating three small meals averaging around 250+ grams of protein a day. I'm also making my way through a gallon of water and trying to keep my carbs below 50.

At my Dr.'s appointment, she agreed with me and reduced my BP meds and I feel so much better. No more lightheadedness when I stand up. When they checked it was 100/60 which is around what I had gotten when I checked myself a couple weeks ago, the lowest was 92/54. I'm hoping to be off the meds completely at some point this year. It's the one thing that I'm a little bit disappointed in because I hear about so many people getting of their blood pressure medication soon after surgery, for me, such was not the case, but I know it'll happen in due time.

I have two pairs of size 16 Medium pants that I acquired from a clothes exchange after one of my support group meetings. I can barely get them on but can not zip nor button them. What a freakin' trip. It just boggles the mind that I will soon be wearing a size 16! Craziness. It doesn't even seem real. The crazy part is that my thunder thighs actually fit in the pants, they were tight, but they fit. I wonder how they'll fit after I get rid of the water weight, hopefully by the end of the month.

Today, I have the last lesson of my tennis clinic, but do not fear, the second clinic, I believe, starts immediately afterwards. It's supposed to be 96° today. I'm loving it since I'm usually freezing.

Jules asked about a typical food day for me before surgery and I'm assuming a typical day before I ever thought about surgery and here it goes. I was a big eater and I loved to eat. Okay, typical day...one of my favorite things for breakfast were bacon, egg and cheese burritos. I would fry up 4 slices of thick sliced bacon and put it aside, then I would scramble 3 eggs in the bacon grease and put that aside, I would then heat up two large flour tortillas in any residual bacon grease or additional butter and then assemble two burritos each with 2 slices of bacon, 1/2 of the scrambled eggs and 2 slices of cheese. For lunch, I might have a super-sized fast food meal, like a double quarter pounder with cheese - super-sized or some similar variation. For dinner, I loved pasta and rice and lots of it so it was usually some variation of that. Sometimes, I would just repeat breakfast. Of course there were snacks, I may have a candy bar or two throughout the day, chips, cookies from the vending machine, etc. I have long given up soft drinks with sugar so that wasn't something I gained weight on.

What really did me in was what I would do on the weekends. Weekends for me were times where I spend them on the coach in a carb-induced coma. After work on Fridays, I would go to the grocery store and buy a varying array of crap, a couple of dozen Krispy Kremes, a pie, two 1/2 gallon of ice cream or something like that. I would then spend Friday night to Sunday night on my couch watching TV, this was especially the case during lonelier times. I can still remember, quite vividly, what the carb-fog felt like, almost like semi-consciousness, being awake, but not. I definitely know why I got fat, not a mystery at all. The problem was exacerbated by my chronic anemia which I was not vigilant about keeping in check. I frankly did not have the energy to do anything besides what I needed to do. Those two things were near deadly for me, but still in the first 7 years I had been in Atlanta, I gained maybe 50-60 lbs to around 450 or so. It wasn't until I started by business that the weight piled on big time. When I started at a startup company, with two years, I gained to like 485, but by the time I started my own company I had gotten down to maybe 440 or so and that was in March 2005, by the time I had my DS in Aug 2006, I had gained almost 80 lbs from spending almost every waking hour at my computer grazing and snacking all day long. Horrible. That got me to over 500+ lbs. The scary thing is that without my DS, I'm afraid to even think what kind of condition I would be in. God only knows. I never thought I was near death when I weighed 500 lbs, but I saw myself as being on the brink of being homebound, unable to do for myself. I could easily be a 600+ lb diabetic by now, instead I'm sitting here in a size large t-shirt and a pair of size 18 shorts anxiously awaiting the time for me to run out the door for my tennis lesson!

I'm so, so very grateful I was able to have my surgery. I know I am an extremely atypical weight loss surgery patient. Not too many of us get that big, in fact I'm currently just 10-20 lbs below where most people seem to start off! I just went another giant pile of clothes yesterday to take to Goodwill and was reminded of just how big I was, I won't sit here and say I had forgotten how big, but it's becoming less and less familiar to me. It's only when I am confronted with remnants of my old self (pictures, clothes, etc.) that I am reminded just how far I've come. Just 60-70 more lbs and I'll be done!

On the supplements front, I'd recently ordered some Upcal-D. I love this stuff and it's much less expensive than going through 4-5 bottles of the Twinlab chewables a month. I drop a scoop in my protein shakes and or sugar-free drink and I'm good to go! The only problem is that it seems to not have the amount of elemental calcium it is purported to have. Sucks! I can go back to the Chewables, but maybe I'll just rotate the two.

Anyway, enough rambling for now for me, once I get started, it's hard to stop...especially when I haven't posted in awhile.

Double Fault

2008-06-01T19:25:00.000-04:00

I'm happy to report that I did look quite cute Thursday night...but I ended not going to the thing. A good friend of mine who had planned to go, but who had to stay home that night because his wife was out of town and had to watch his daughter, had a small gathering of friends for a Lost Party. So we have large anxiety-filled social gathering where I may not know anyone on one hand or a small gathering at a good friend's house on the other hand...needless to say, I opted for the smaller gathering and I'm glad I did. It was so much fun and I felt so at ease and so normal. I didn't feel like the big blob in the room and I have a new wow to report. Y'know how normal people sit on the floor cross-legged and are able to perform this smooth, swift motion of standing stand up? I totally did that! It was awesome, I actually surprised myself AND when I got home, first thing I did was sit on the floor cross-legged and got up again just in case I was imagining it! I love my DS! Anywho, that was one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen, by the way. That dang show is gonna give me a complex...

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday. I've been mulling over redecorating my bedroom and bathroom and I had gotten a couple of things last weekend, but yesterday I went shopping again and got pretty much everything I needed except for paint and window curtains. Those two things I will probably need to let simmer in my brain a little and maybe spend a little time looking at design magazines. My walls are not white, but a neutral light, light tannish with more yellow tones than brown. I don't like them anymore, I want to keep them neutral -- well, at least most of them -- but I want warmer, browner tones. I am planning on painting an accent wall, I've always wanted a chocolate brown wall, but that not actually work with the color scheme. I'm going with warmer reds, golds, browns, tans, etc. I really like my choices so far and tomorrow I will start working on it. I would be doing that now, but I'm stuck at my computer processing reams of pricing updates for work. YAWN.

I also went grocery shopping and got plenty of good food to eat, I am all about the clean eating and I mean super clean, not even cheese or Dreamfield's pasta or low carb tortillas or bread. Nope, it's all out the door!

Today, I had my tennis lesson and it was so much FUN. The last lesson, I missed, they learned how to serve so I totally sucked at it, it's an almost unnatural motion and the ball tossing part is tricky. It'll take some time before I can toss the ball in the air consistently in the same trajectory. I worked up a good sweat too and even found myself running around and hitting some balls that I never thought I'd be fleet-footed enough to get. Awesomeness. This particular tennis clinic ends next week, then a phase II beginner's class starts for another 5 or so weeks. Our instructors said we are not really ready for the weekly drill sessions they have so I'll take their words for it, but hopefully near the end of phase II, I can pick up a weekly drill session and maybe by the fall I'll be able to join a team. Now that I know the people in my class a little more, the social aspect of it is emerging and making it that much more enjoyable. My dormant competitive nature is waking making me more compelled to sneak in an extra practice session here and there. I hate sucking and it feels so good to hit the ball right and not have it sail over the fence or nearly take someone's eye out two courts over. What?!? Me?....never...:)

Par-tay + Lost

2008-05-29T09:24:00.000-04:00

So I've been looking forward to this gathering thingy tonight for several days now and for some reason, last night and this morning I've been hit with a fair amount of trepidation about it. Those old feelings of fear are creeping back into my consciousness when socializing comes into play. I guess what makes me anxious is that I don't have those one or two "safe" people to tag along with when I usually go to these types of things. There could be zero people there that I know and those situations I tend to do poorly in...historically, anyway. I'm just not very good at those types of situations, but the weight loss does help. 265+ lbs ago, there would no way in hell I'd be going, no way, not even a consideration. Now, it is a consideration, it's just a mental thing at this point.

A cool thing about it is that it's an opportunity to look cute. I love looking cute, I'm hoping I can look cute tonight. It's not a formal affair, sort of a happy hour kind of thing, I'm guessing since it's like 6:30 PM on so I can't imagine many people dressing up for it, I assume most will be barely business casual which is typical for the industry. I will probably wear a nice pair of jeans and a nice blouse and some cute shoes (God help me). My hair will be done and I will have some nice jewelry. I haven't crossed the makeup threshold yet so there will be none of that. So I should look okay.

The only problem with tonight is that it's also the season finale for my current obsession, Lost. What were they thinking?!? Thank God for DVR's or else that joint would be empty!

I never had a chance to see my PCP this month so it's going to be a priority next week. When I was in Texas, I checked my blood pressure everyday with my dad's machine and it was consistently in the 95-105/55-75 range. I think that's pushing being too low so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Dr. B. will take me off the meds for good. I sometimes do get lightheaded when I stand up quickly so keep your fingers crossed that the meds are out the door!

I made a refill order with Vitalady for all my necessities earlier this week so I should fully back on track starting this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to starting fresh, if you will. Eating clean and drinking my water like I should always makes me just feel better, regardless of how friendly the scale is. I've been feeling a little sluggish lately so it'll be good to do things right.

Anywho, I've got a crap load of work to do before I can call it a day and breakfast is getting cold...

Just as I thought...

2008-05-26T09:02:00.001-04:00

... coming home has been rough. I haven't much been in the mood for much of anything lately and work has been a pain in the ass. I was looking forward to my tennis lesson yesterday, but it got canceled because of the holiday, so I opted to watch a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon on my couch. Yes, exciting stuff. I plan to go out today and actually be social, maybe head out to the park and hit some tennis balls.

I haven't much felt like blogging, at times I feel like there is too much ground to cover, but mostly I feel like there isn't much to say. I almost feel like I need to hit the reset button to get things, my routine, my life going again. I did go out and actually enjoyed myself Saturday afternoon, a little retail therapy never hurts! I mostly bought things for the house, some new rugs, some artwork, etc. It was fun and nice to get out and get my mind off of things. I came home afterwards and started on decluttering my house even more. After a few hours of that I have seven bags of stuff that I took to Goodwill with the promise of even more. Expunging that crap is somewhat liberating.

I love my DS, it's truly an amazing thing. I've been eating like total crap lately, like for the past several weeks and still I get smaller although the scale isn't so kind. I'm not too worried. I'm essentially at my doctor's goal and could stop losing weight and be considered a rousing success. I have different ambitions, of course, I'm looking to lose around 50-60 more by the end of the year which I think is more than doable. I found a pair of 16's that I snagged a couple months ago from a friend at support group who had brought in a lot of her old clothes. I can't get them past my hips, when I can and they actually look good and I can breathe in them, I'd seriously consider myself done.

There is a big shin-dig this Thursday night that I am very much looking forward to. It's a gathering of internet/web creative types with cocktails and such. I should see a lot of my old colleagues, folks I haven't seen in years, it'll be nice to see their reactions. Hopefully, I'll meet some interesting people with interesting things to say and hopefully I can look cute! I'm sure I will!

Happy Memorial Day, y'all! Much love to all the veterans, soldiers and their families! I'm an Army brat so I certainly understand what Memorial Day is all about. Much love to my dad today! He served a tour in Korea and three tours in Vietnam, he's gotten several commendations, a Purple Heart and 2 or 3 Bronze Stars. Today, I know he remembers the friends he's lost in both those wars and I'm sure it ain't easy.

Anywho, gonna get some work done this AM and then get the heck out of here! I advise all of y'all to head out and get some sun as well!

Where do I start...

2008-05-18T20:16:00.001-04:00

... well, I am still in Texas and should be back in Atlanta sometime on Tuesday. Dad has been through a lot, but thank God above, he is well on his way to being 100%, although it looks like it will take some time. I don't have the energy to go into all the details (as this has been such an emotional and physical roller coaster), but boy, I have to say that was one of the most difficult weeks of my entire life, I certainly feel like I've tapped some reserves of strength that I didn't know I had. I feel like I can leave here knowing that mom and dad will be okay. I am also a little frustrated, for the most part I've carried the burden myself, my brother who flew in a few days ago is utterly useless, it's incredibly frustrating. He was born a full 10 years after my sister and was spoiled absolutely rotten and hasn't managed to slough off any of his old tendencies in the past 10-15 years. I was born 1.5 years after him and I get called spoiled, but I'd argue I am anything but. I've been running around for over a week handling practically everything, he spent the last few days bitching about how hot it is, complaining about nothing being on TV and rolling his eyes when asked to do the slightest thing or God forbid, pay for his own meal every now and again. My mistake for thinking he might actually show some maturity at a time like this. Sigh. My expectations of him are now sufficiently lower.

It is going to be HARD leaving here in a couple of days, I'm not sure how I will do it, but I will. I'm exhausted, emotionally and mentally mostly, not so much physically although I tend to get really physically tired by the end of the day. I have been trying to get in over 120+ grams of protein but I honestly don't know. The last few days I've been drinking at least one 52g protein shake and have been trying to get in 1 or 2 Atkins ready-to-drink ones. My diet has kinda sucked, I'm just too busy and wired to really focus on it, but I'm mindful of at least getting in the bare minimum protein and needless to say the carbs have been a bit out of control. Oh well, I'm not too concerned about that right now. I have been taking my supplements though, at least the daily ones. It's been tough getting in the Calcium, but I'll pop a couple of chewable tablets when I remember to do so. Instead of water, I've been drinking lots of diet beverages, at least it's not full sugar ones. I also have no idea how much I weigh, don't really care right now.

I reckon when I get back to Atlanta and have resettled into my routine that the weight of all of this will hit me at some point. My mind, right now, is really focused on accomplishing the list of things I need to do before I leave. Getting those things done will really ease my mind.

Have I mentioned how exhausted I am, yet? Well, I am. Unbelievable.

F*ck

2008-05-09T19:35:00.000-04:00

I am headed home to Texas in the morning, dad's currently in surgery for pericardial effusion due to chronic kidney diseas. If you're the praying/swinging chickens/vou-dou/positive-vibes type, would appreciate it right about now.

Hot!

2008-05-04T20:23:00.000-04:00

Went to my tennis lesson today. We learned backhand volley's and backhand strokes. It was way fun! I feel like I am learning much faster than with my other instructor. The people in my class are cool as well. It was only around 75° outside, but it felt like it's 90° We played on clay courts so maybe that has something to do with it. We also did quite a bit of running around. We have next Sunday off BUT we will have a two hour session the following Sunday, kinda worried about that, but I'm sure we'll have a water break or two. Good stuff! Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tennis? I don't feel like I'm exercising when I play, granted, I'm in the learning stages so it's lots of instruction and drills, but I'm never constantly checking the time to find out if it's time to quit, every little thing I learn about or improve upon just makes me want to do it more and I'm fairly confident that someday I can get decent at it. When I run, my mind is always on something else, when I play tennis, it's only on playing tennis. As soon as my beginner clinic is over, I am moving to the 2nd level and will supplement that class with a weekly drill class.

Went out last night and got home relatively early, around 2 AM. It was okay, not what I expected, but it was good to go out. Weight this morning continues to drop, weighed in at 260.6, that's down over 10 lbs in 3 days....gotta love water weight! I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working. I do feel better as well. It's still 10+ lbs from my lowest, but it took me over 3 weeks to get into this predicament, so it'll take some time to get back to normal.

BP is not too pleased with me. She's not mad, but I can tell something is bothering her, she's been playing a few passive aggressive games, been flippant, etc. I only 1/2 care. I think the problem is that when I was 500+ lbs, she could always count on me having no life, not leaving my house and spending my free time at the computer doing work or lending a sympathetic ear to all her issues. Not so much now. I hardly work on the weekends anymore and frankly our business is at the point where the long, tedious days are behind us. I'm not sure what her deal is, like I mentioned before I do think she is having some issues with her own weight gain and I do feel some sympathy because God knows I know how difficult life can be when you feel you are too heavy, I suspect deep down she doesn't like the fact that I am more active, that I do have some semblance of a social life. I don't exactly have the social life I ultimately want, but it is greatly improved and I'm not going to be or feel "stuck" anymore. It seems like I wasn't the only one comfortable with my past life. Not that I think I'm the center of the universe or anything, but it's always interesting for me to see how my weight loss affects other people.

Out and about.

2008-05-02T09:13:00.000-04:00

Got a busy day today. We have a staff meeting today which will kill a few hours and then I have to play tech support and upgrade software on several company computers and troubleshoot a laptop that has Vista on it. My gut reaction is to say "I hate Vista" but I don't use Vista, I'm sticking with the nightmare I'm already familiar with - XP. I have to go to the bank and I want to sneak in some tennis today, but I'm not sure I can before it gets dark.

The protein bar that almost killed me yesterday was ISS OhYeah! Protein Wafer described as "A Scrumptious Creme Filled Wafer Loaded with Protein". Uhm, no, tastes like shit.

Weighed in at 266 lbs this morning, down 5 lbs from yesterday after a day where I consumed (mostly through shakes/drinks) almost 300 grams of protein. That number is a little suspect because I'm not sure of the quality of the two shakes I drank in the morning. Do protein mixes degrade over time? Still a good 15 lbs over where I was, but making progress. The body is an amazing thing, ain't it? I just have to be more careful when it comes to protein, I should not have gone weeks and weeks without getting in adequate protein, part of the reason is the traveling and subsequent sickness, but if nothing else, I need to consistently track my food in Fitday, well at least track my protein. I never have low protein days when I track my food.

Ok, then, time to get moving. Already had an Isopure this morning and will make breakfast in a few minutes. My meeting is at noon, so I will grab a couple of Isopure's as I walk out the door, one for during the meeting and one for a few hours later. It seems like a lot but I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Gag

2008-05-01T14:54:00.000-04:00

Here's a tip...when you see protein bars in the bargain bin for 59¢, know that they are there for a reason. Do not ever think they might taste okay, because they DO NOT. Blech! So, it's freakin' beautiful here in Atlanta so I went out and ran and then hit some tennis balls on the hand ball courts for 1/2 an hour. Afterwards, I feeling a little lightheaded so I ventured off to the nearby GNC because I had to pick up some probiotics and wanted to pick up some Isopure Zero Carb RTD's because I gotta push the protein pretty hard the next couple of days. Anyway, right by the counter in a cute little basket are these protein bars for 59¢ so I figure, what the hell, I buy a couple and scarf one down so I won't pass out. Big mistake. Let me ask you a question, your mouth isn't supposed to TINGLE and feel NUMB when you eat a protein bar, is it? Christ Almighty, never again!

TMI-time. I spent a good portion of my night last night pooping foamy poop. Good times. And of course when I get on the scale this morning it reads, 271.0 lbs. WTF?!? I ain't panicking just yet, I want to get in 4-5 days of high protein, low carbs before I start freakin' out. I have to say though, the nice weather works wonders for my mood and overall mental health! During the day, I am no longer freezing! Woo-hoo!

Month 20

2008-04-30T00:56:00.000-04:00

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

Gracias

2008-04-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

Gosh. Your comments from my "dress" post the other day definitely lifted my spirits and I feel so much better today. I really, really appreciate the love, y'all have no idea how much! I'm one of those types that gets lost in the numbers and have often given more meaning to things like weight or size moreso than how I feel and look. It hit me last night that I, Tia, actually bought two dresses without being under duress. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't worn a dress in 15-20 years. For so long I felt like a giant asexual blob. It was a rare, rare moment when I've felt dainty or girly or even pretty. Now I've been known to have a good hair day here and there, but to feel womanly, with curves and feel attractive, I can't even remember the last time and do I dare admit to having NEVER felt that way? I have my first opportunity to wear one of my dresses in a social setting next weekend for a birthday celebration at an Atlanta club. It should be fun!

Thank God for Zyrtec because it is the only drug that seems to be working. I almost feel normal now, no more runny nose, I still have some chest congestion and some lingering pressure in my ears. My biggest problem now is that my sense of smell and my sense of taste are still out of whack. I can only really taste and smell things if they have a really strong flavor or odor. I'm still trying to nurse as many hot beverages as I can and my appetite returned with a vengeance yesterday which is good because I have really bad edema from poor protein nutrition, not only from the week I've been sick, but from when I was in Texas as well. Not good, so I'm working on getting in over 200 grams or more a day (mostly from protein shakes). I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend.

Tomorrow and Saturday I have to attend a trade show. Boring. The only good thing is that they have a couple of auctions where based on the sales your company did the previous year, you get "Trade Show Dollars" and can get some cool stuff. I'm hoping to walk away with at least something worthwhile. I expect there will be a few employees from my previous company, that should be interesting...I can't recall if I went last year or not, I think I did, but I'm not sure I ran into anyone or else it might have actually stuck in my brain. Oh well. Interesting note. BP, our company CEO is not going. Why? She says she's got too much work to do. Reality is that she feels embarrassed by all the weight she has gained. How do I know this? Because she makes comments about how "fat" she's gotten about 5 times a day and I know how much appearance means to her. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about that. I certainly have sucked it up many a time and gone places I sure as hell didn't want to go because of my size, but I completely understand her feelings and I respect the fact that every individual's struggle with their self-image is their uniquely their own. It doesn't matter to me what she does either way I just think it's interesting. I suspect she keeps complaining about her weight to me because she believes if anyone would understand, I would. Intellectually, I understand it, emotionally, I haven't worked it all out yet.

I got the hollow leg thing going on today. I've been eating since I got up this morning, too bad I can't any taste any of it...I'm sure some of it is pretty damn good.

Strike a Pose!

2008-04-22T09:44:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling the love y'all, thanks for feeling my pain! I took Zyrtec yesterday and it seems to be working wonders. The fog has lifted some, most of the cough is gone and a good bit of the sinus pressure as well. Only my left ear is clogged and I actually got a 1/2 way decent amount of sleep last night. All things considered, not too bad.

'Member those dresses I mentioned a few days ago, here are a couple of pictures of me (taken with my camera phone) in one of them:

Side view:

I almost don't identify with the person in these photos. It trips me out! Is that really me? Do I really look like that? My boobies are showing, what the hell?!? LOL! I will tell you though, these photos give me so much hope that "normal" is within my grasp! I can't honestly remember the last time I wore an actual dress. I've worn plenty of skirts w/ blouses, but an actual one-piece dress, I have no idea. Honestly, it's probably in the 15-20 year range...I wouldn't be surprised.

This also makes me question my ideas about goal weight and BMI. I'm such a poor judge of how the scale and physical reality mesh. I don't know for sure if I look like a 250 lb woman or not. I don't think I do. How much more weight should I lose? I would like to see onederland, hell, I'd like to be 10-20 lbs in onderland, but do I need to be to feel good about myself and wear clothes and shoes I want to wear. If I can wear a size 14 pants and weigh 200 lbs, would I be okay with that? I think I just might. I don't know we'll see,

Must be the drugs.

2008-04-21T20:24:00.000-04:00

Warning: Lots of whining ahead!

I can't taste my food. My taste buds are numb from this stupid cold/allergy attack, which by the way, is a very strange thing. I'm nursing a protein shake right now and I can barely taste it. It's like it had 1/10th of it's normal taste. I can't even smell it.

Last night was a bad night. I went to bed at 9:00 PM and only slept til around midnight, I took another round of drugs and tossed and turned til 3 AM. I was up for an hour, drank a cup of chicken broth and went back to bed. Got up at 7 AM for more drugs and then slept til just past 10 AM. I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at a whopping 259.2 lbs. WTF?!? It then occurred to me that I haven't exactly been eating all that much and sure as hell haven't been getting in my fluids. I'm retaining water like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. I hate being sick. I feel miserable and find myself in a foul mood. All I want to do is crawl in my bed and drink warm liquids. It's not fun. I actually had a short tear-filled moment early this afternoon. Yeah, I can be a wuss sometimes, I guess I'm frustrated because I should be feeling better, not worse. Seriously, how much snot can one person generate?!? I think what is happening is the cold itself is winding down, but the allergy crap is reaching it's apex.

As if all the coughing and sneezing and nose-blowing weren't enough, my ears are clogged which is throwing my equilibrium way off AND I can't hear worth crap. I made my way to the grocery store again convinced that I needed more (better) drugs and it felt like I was in a fog. I also bought some good old fashioned chicken soup and had a nice bowl of that for lunch. That was the highlight of my day. I also picked up some of those super-soft facial tissues which are a gift from God.

On a completely unrelated note, a friend emailed me a recent photo of Guy from this past weekend. Seeing it brings back a flood of emotions which just make my head that much more foggy. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me right now to think to hard about whatever it is I would like to resolve with him. He's still a very tricky issue in my life, he may forever be, but luckily not something I need to really worry about. He does look good though. I can't lie about that.

Ugh. I'm tired, I'm going to get me a bowl of soup and call it a day.

Sniffle, sniffle, cough, cough

2008-04-20T17:54:00.000-04:00

Mother Nature is trying to kill me. I'm convinced. It was bad enough that I had a wicked cold, then my allergies started to kick my butt as well. It's been a sneezing-coughing-sniffling-itchy-eyes-nose-lips fest over here. None of that, however could dampen my love for my kick-ass tennis clinic. I LOVE it, it's so awesome! Not only could I completely keep up with everything, I was one of the better tennis players. Mind you, we're all beginners, but I definitely was NOT the suckiest one! I'm all ready for next week's lesson and I wanted to sign up for weekly drills but our instructor said we should get through the beginner's clinic before we sign up for the drills as they cover a lot more than what we've learned so far.

Anyway, afterwards I went to Kohls and picked up a couple of athletic shorts to wear. I'm not going to worry about looking cute just yet. I think they will hold me over for awhile.

About the allergies, I never had them up until last year and I wonder if it is post-surgery related. I mean, I feel like scratching my eyes out. Both my nose and my lips are tingly, very annoying. I still have a very runny nose and a nagging cough (my abs hurt from all the hacking). I have to resort to taking Benadryl otherwise I might have to jab forks in my eyes to stop the itching. The bad thing is that Benadryl = sleepy time for Tia. Oh well, who doesn't love a good nap?

Sick

2008-04-18T11:01:00.002-04:00

Around 5 o'clock yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks and I ended up not going to Support Group meeting. I had the chills, was still pretty exhausted and felt crappy overall. Kim called me around 5:30 or so as the gang was planning to meet out for dinner before Support Group, but I just couldn't do it. I think I went to sleep around 6 PM and got up maybe once or twice for vitamins and/or broth, then I was out cold by 9 PM and I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM. I don't feel too horrible at the moment although I do have a sore throat and I'm trying really hard not to cough. My sinuses are pretty clear, although a little runny. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by Sunday afternoon I will be well enough for tennis.

I took my first dose of Dostinex last night. I wanted to wait til I got back from my trip just in case it caused any side effects that I didn't want to deal with away from home. I take one pill once a week at night on an empty stomach. Doing so allegedly helps mitigate potential negative side effects (nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, etc.) I have a slight headache, but I had one yesterday so go figure.

Today is supposed to be another beautiful day in Atlanta, I think the high will approach 77°. I'm going to try to get out and get some sun, maybe take a walk or something, get some fresh air. I still need to go get groceries...and go to the bank... I may also go ahead and try to get some tennis clothes while I am out. We'll see.

I don't have the slightest idea what I weigh, I haven't gotten on the scale since before I left and honestly, I don't care at the moment. I'll weigh tomorrow.

GA

2008-04-17T11:26:00.001-04:00

Getting on an plane, was again, a non-issue, it just blows my mind. I fit fine, no problems whatsoever. My back did start hurting after an hour or so, but that was it. I felt completely normal. Craziness. Cool, but crazy. Well, I obviously made it home in one piece! What a trip...I actually didn't want to come back to GA. It wasn't that I was having non-stop fun, it was just nice to relax and spend time with the family, especially Mom & Dad. As they get older these types of trips become more and more emotional for me. I know they aren't going to be around forever and it's sobering to have to sometimes talk about things (wills, life insurance, etc.) that you don't really want to have to deal with. Ugh. BUT, they are in decent health, are still able to get around and do their normal routines and they both have things that they enjoy doing and are still able to do so I am thankful for that. Besides that, the trip was cool, I didn't eat as well as I would have liked, but I made sure I got my protein in. I have a weakness for my mother's cooking and good, real Mexican food. I didn't drink enough water, but am working on a liter bottle of it right now.

When I was waiting for my dad to pick me up on the curb at the airport, he didn't recognize me. This baffles me to no end, I mean I was just back home in late September, I've maybe lost like 45 lbs since then, I can't believe I changed that much. What was really funny is that he wasn't the only one who didn't recognize me. Several family friends shook my hand without knowing it was me. It wasn't until I spoke that they realized who they were talking to. Talk about messing with my mind. Anyway, my mom, my aunt and I went shopping and I actually bought two dresses that I really like. This is monumental because I can't even remember the last time I willingly bought a dress. I will have to put them on and take some pictures. I actually have an occassion to wear one of them, some friends and I are hitting the town in a couple of weeks to celebrate one friend's birthday. I am hoping to also be done with my glasses by then as well. I'm convinced they are a male-deterrent which ain't good.

Typically, when I leave Atlanta, then go to a very dry climate and then return to my normal humid climate, within 24 hours, I always develop a sinus problem. I'm doing all I can to fend off a full-blown sinus infection because I start my group tennis clinic this Sunday, I don't want to miss it. Can I just say, I'm totally nervous about it? I won't chicken out, but I'm worried about my clothes...I think I will go out Saturday and at least find some cute shorts and t-shirts to wear. I can't go full-blown tennis gear, but I want to look decent. It's a beginner's class so maybe I'm worried for no good reason. I'm hoping the class is full of newbies like me who have the wrong clothes, shoes and rackets.

Tonight is support group meeting and I'm actually contemplating whether or not to go. I'm freakin' exhausted (I never get enough sleep when I travel) and this sinus crap isn't helping any, but I'll probably end up going. The guest speaker is a clinical psychologist, we are going to be discussing post-op issues -- relationship issues, cross addictions, self image, etc. Should be good.

I have to go grocery shopping as I no food, except for the 6 packs of Earl Campbell sausage I brought back from Texas. I couldn't help myself, I love the stuff and they are perfect for all the grilling I plan to do this spring/summer. Tiffany inspires me to be more social and active so that's what I'm going to do!

Texas, here I come!

2008-04-09T23:31:00.000-04:00

The concert last night was AWESOME! I had so much fun and how nice was it to go out with my friends and just have a great night. I danced for probably three hours straight! Mary J. Blige was fantastic, everything I thought and more. She sang her heart out and I was delighted to see that I wasn't the only Mary-fanatic there. I never realized I knew the words to practically all her songs! My favorites of the night were Just Fine, I'm Going Down, No More Drama and Stay Down. Just wonderful! If I ever have the chance to see her again, I certainly will. I was a little concerned about how she'd come off in a big arena (15-20K folks), but she was spectacular.

On a less happy note, my freakin' innards are killing me! It feels like I am digesting rocks. Ugh. I think this is a side effect or prolonged constipation, bad enough to have too much excess stomach acid wreaking havoc or some other such craziness going on. Monday, except for a mild breakfast, all I had was chicken broth and protein drinks. Yesterday, same thing except we went to Waffle House and I ate 1/3 of a cheese & ham omelet. This morning more protein drinks and broth and I finally had a hot dog mid afternoon. Tonight I actually feel so much better. I only felt this bad once before and this was right around the time I went to Urgent Care and then eventually the gastroenterologist and he diagnosed the ulcer. It felt like my intestines were inflamed. Sucks. I'm going to continue to take it easy for the next few days til I am back to speed. I hate this crap. My weight has surprisingly been up around 254-255. I won't be weighing for over a week so we'll see how things are when I get home.

I am on my way to Texas tomorrow and I still have plenty to do before my flight. I am ready to go and have a little break. With the concert and trying to cram work in before I leave, I haven't been getting enough sleep so I am exhausted. My goal is to sleep as much as I can on the flight and probably a little once I get there. Besides that, I plan to just hang out with the fam and chill out a little bit. I will try to blog while I am there, but I won't make any guarantees.

Awesomeness!

2008-04-06T20:32:00.000-04:00

I finally found a beginner's tennis clinic close to my house, it starts April 20th, the Sunday after I get back from Texas. It sounds perfect, one hour group lessons, every Sunday for 5 weeks for only $65 AND I get a t-shirt. It covers all the basics, everything I need to know to be well on my way to being a decent tennis player. Coolness. The lessons are at a very cool tennis center and I will be able to attend a separate weekly drills class for like $10 for an hour and 1/2 of drills. Sweet. The only downside is that I don't have any proper tennis clothes so that will be something I need to rectify. All I do know is that I ain't wearing those short little tennis skirts and dresses. I'm sooooo not there yet, don't know if I ever will be. My thighs are thunderous! Anyway, I hope to learn a lot and meet some cool people!

On second thought...

2008-04-06T17:21:00.003-04:00

...I will be calling my doctor on Monday about the blood pressure meds. The last day or so I've been getting that dizzy sensation when I get up from a seated position or when like I am picking things up off the floor and stand straight. The room starts spinning a little bit and I hear that faint buzzing noise, yeah, that can't be good. It happened a couple of times in the past couple of days, but I chocked it up to not having eaten recently, but I just had the feeling a few minutes ago and I just ate and I had a protein shake an hour before that!

I'm so excited, almost to the point of tears, I'm going to the Mary J. Blige concert this week! I love me some Mary J. Her music is a major part of the soundtrack of my life! No More Drama changed my life:

Every ounce of emotion you see in that performance is 100% real and honest and true. Don't believe me?

When my sister, Monica, passed away in 2006, my sister S. and I took on the responsibility of handling all of her affairs and moving out her stuff from her apartment. Monica was a HUGE Mary fan and her music was what we listened to the entire time, especially, Be Without You. I know many people hate Mary, they say she's not a sophisticated singer, that she's a little too rough around the edges. Whatever. Mary's all heart and soul and that's what I love about her. This woman has been through the shit and back again and finally emerged clean and the kick ass part of it is that she pulled herself out of it. I dig that about her!

All done...

2008-04-05T11:58:00.000-04:00

So I had my doctor's appointment yesterday with the Endocrinologist and left relieved and satisfied. I asked my nine hundred questions and he patiently answered each one. The diagnosis was exactly as I had thought - prolactinoma. He said the MRI showed an empty sella turcica. The sella turcica is where the pituitary gland resides. My pituitary gland was smooshed up against the wall because of an adenoma/prolactinoma. It's not life-threatening (I had to ask) and he's confident that with finding the right dosage of medication, the tumor should shrink and hopefully be gone in the next 2 years or so. I am to return in 3 months to check my prolactin levels to determine whether or not the dosage needs to be increased or decreased. I left with some orders for lab tests to be done on this upcoming Monday and there are a lot. I asked for my Calcium and Vitamin D to be checked since osteoporosis can develop if your prolactin levels are high for a long period of time.

All in all, I feel much, much better about this stuff and feel like I can just add treatment (1 pill, once a week) to my routine and go about my daily life. I did have my blood pressure checked and it was a stellar 102/66. I will wait til after the Peachtree Road Race to see my PCP about getting off the BP meds. By then, certainly, it should be time.

Weight this morning was 251.4 lbs, I am finally showing a loss for the month. Yesterday I weighed in at freakin' 255.4, the day before, 256.4. Constipation is a !@#$%. Total weight loss so far, 265.4 lbs. One of the good things I've discovered out of all this is that I am handling all the weight gain/loss much better. A year ago, hell, six months ago, I would have been crazy frustrated and probably would have sabotaged myself somehow, now I know what's going on and know that as long as I eat like I know how to eat, the weight will eventually come off. It's the old "blame the poop" defense! At times I do have these urges to buy a box of Krispy Kremes to "make myself feel better" but those urges are more easily dismissed than ever before. I wonder if it's because as I'm becoming happier and happier with my body, I am becoming more and more unwilling to do things to slow down progress PLUS I feel really good about my nutrition. Right now when I think "Yum, Krispy Kremes", I immediately start thinking "Ugh, gas and diarrhea. No thanks!" That's the thing, the more I want to be out in the world, enjoying life, the less I want to deal with gas and poop issues. If that isn't motivation to stay away from sugar & carbs, I don't know what is. I will eventually go down the Flagyl road, but not until I reach goal. I'm sure the stuff has magical powers but I ain't taking it if there is any chance it'll slow down my weight loss. Uh-uh, no way.

Since it's basically rainy and cold today, I'm going to go ahead and knock out a few errands I have to get done before my trip -- prescription refills, pay the lawn guy, buy some memory for my laptop, etc. I have dinner plans tonight with some friends so that should be fun. Tomorrow is supposed to be the direct opposite of today, mid-70's and perfectly sunny. My kind of weather which means TENNIS! I gotta find some footwork drills to work on....

500!

2008-04-02T20:22:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what a few hours of sleep can do for a person. Yesterday I went back to bed and slept from 7:30 AM to around 10:15 AM, and honestly, was felt pretty good throughout the rest of the day until around 10:00 PM when I went to bed and slept like a rock thru til 7:00 AM this morning and I feel great right now. It's like night and day how I feel right now versus how I felt the last couple of days. Maybe my body just gave up and gave in.

This is my blog's 500th post! I started way back in June 2006 when I finally and wholeheartedly committed to starting the process of getting my DS. What a journey it has been! It's definitely a reality check to go back and read about how excited I was when I lost that first 100 lbs or first 200 lbs. Good times. Then there's last summer which was a trial and a half with my first trip home post-surgery, discovery the ulcer and the food-aversion nightmare. Thank God I'm verbose, it's great to go back to read what I've been babbling about for almost two years.

Today was one of those "eat everything in sight" days and I have. Weight is fluctuating between the same few lbs but I expect a drop in a few days. That seems to be the pattern as of late. A little more than 36 hours til my appointment, gonna do a little more research tonight and finish compiling my list of questions. I don't want to be an ignorant patient.

Good grief...

2008-04-01T05:37:00.003-04:00

It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up for a couple of hours. Typically, I'd be unconscious and loving it right about now, but for some reason I've got a case of insomnia, every time my head hits the pillow, I can't sleep and spend the entire night with an unquiet mind. Very annoying as I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. I wonder if it is because of my doctor's appointment on Friday, maybe I'm more nervous about it than I think. Yesterday was not good, I tossed and turned all night and finally started feeling sleepy around 6:30, yeah, about 1/2 an hour before I typically get up. I slept through to 9:00 AM, by noon I felt like crap and tried to take a nap, that didn't work so I got up and tried to get through the day, but by 5:00 PM, I was all done and honestly I don't even remember the rest of the day, I was in such a fog. I do know I tried going to bed around 9:00 PM, but just more of the same, I maybe got 3-4 hours of good sleep. Sucks so bad. I'm hoping that I can finally catch some Z's after my appointment Friday...it's amazing what the mind can do, right?

Anyway, I've noticed something that maybe other WLS folks have as well. When I first started to lose weight and it was noticeable, there were several people around me who felt compelled to jump on the health wagon and lose weight as well, y'know, the whole "diet & exercise" thing. Needless to say, eventually, that went by the wayside after several weeks. Now, I see people doing the same thing, especially as I get closer and closer to a "normal" weight and size. Sooner rather than later, I ain't gonna be the "fat one" anymore which I think is causing some folks some anxiety. So very interesting how my weight loss affects some other people. My business partner and her husband are two of the biggest offenders. BP lacks a measure of couth. Y'know, my biggest goal is to see onderland - it's funny, sometimes I make it out to be this mythical, magical place - 199 lbs and I'm a happy girl. BP makes me want to get down to 175, the land of the normal BMI just so that I can rub it in her face. She's the kind of person who engages in a lot of self-deprecating humor which honestly, I don't get, but whatever.

I'm hoping that I can get some sleep this morning, possibly in the next couple of hours. I was trying not to eat anything, I don't want to screw up my poop schedule, but that ain't happening, I'm starving, time to go find some food!

Good Stuff

2008-03-29T13:41:00.001-04:00

I like to pass along good stuff so here we go:

1. Diet Root Beer. God help me, I love this stuff. I'm probably drinking too much of it, but it's such a treat. I'd rather have this than some kind of cookie. I love it ice cold poured over ice. YUM. It's caffeine-free too so instead of dessert, I'll have a big glass of chilled root beer.

2. Grill Mates® Mesquite Marinade. This stuff is amazing, I've been making it for a few weeks now and can't get enough marinated baked chicken. As long as I watch my bake time (375° for 45-50 mins), the chicken is perfect, moist, juicy and goes down easy, MUCH easier than when I did it the old way. I think has a large part to play in my weight loss this month as I've eaten A LOT of chicken instead of sausage and other processed foods.

3. Good Sense Roasted & Salted Soynuts. I first tried soy nuts like a year ago and when I saw them in the store, I figured, why not? They are a great snack, especially when I find myself wanting to mindlessly munch. Per serving: 140 calories, 7g fat, 10g carbs, 5g fiber and 10g of protein.

Setting the Tone

2008-03-29T12:10:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a lot more reading on OH lately, trying to find to confirm a few things I have come to fully accept on my own in the past month. First, this morning I weighed in at 253.0 lbs, down 2.8 lbs from yesterday, 11.4 lbs for the month and down 263.6 lbs total. Assuming I end the month, month 19, exactly where I am right now, that's the most weight I've lost since September. What was so special about this month? I think I found a good sense of what my nutritional balance. I really feel like I have found a way to manage my nutritional goals with my desire to eat a wider variety of foods, some that I would normally not consider "good" during a weight loss phase. For example, in the past I was convinced that cheese was a big no-no, and frankly I do have to watch my cheese intake, but it's not that I can't have cheese, I can't have large quantities of it, I shouldn't eat it without eating another protein with it, and "real" cheese is 10 times better than processed cheese food. Where I would put cheese on everything, probably easily eating 8-10 oz of it in a day if I let myself, I now spread out 2-3 oz of real cheese (Muenster, swiss, provolone, Monterrey Jack, Cheddar, etc.) over the course of the day. It satisfies my need and desire for cheese, but doesn't clog me up too bad. I've also been able to manage low carb bread and tortillas really well. Instead of 5-6 servings in a day, I now maybe have 2, usually a slice of toast with my breakfast and a slice mid-day for an open-faced sandwich.

What's happening is that I'm consistently, day in and day out, eating meals that I can see myself eating once I'm done losing weight. A big goal here is to find a way to eat that'll last a lifetime. I don't feel like I'm dieting, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything anymore. I don't really see my "diet" changing all that much when I reach goal. There are really delicious, more nutritionally sound lower carb versions of anything I think I'd might want post-goal. Looking at my food logs, I am averaging somewhere between 50-80 carbs a day which is surprisingly fine. For awhile there, I was pretty convinced I'd have to consistently stay sub-40 in order to lose weight, but that hasn't been the case, in fact, I discovered something else surprising. If I am within 90% or greater of my protein goal for the day by the time I am at my last meal, as long as I have protein at that last meal of the day, I can have a high carb side like potatoes or rice OR even a small dessert and it have no effect on my weight loss and it will NOT derail me. Now, I do not do this two days in a row, but I've done it 6 or 7 times this month. The amazing thing is it doesn't trigger the carb-crazies where I feel like I need to eat every sugar-laden food within a 10 mile radius. It's funny because I used to read about DS-ers on OH who would do something similar and would continue to lose regularly. I didn't buy it at the time, but now I think I understand it. I don't look to have a higher carb serving at the end of the day, but if I am out to dinner or at a celebration, I know I can eat a little bit of rice or potatoes and not stress about it. It's kind of cool because a lot of stress of maintaining a good level of nutrition has dissipated. I feel much more comfortable about it and feel like when I hit goal, it won't be like hitting a brick wall. Yes, I'm impatient and yes, I want to be at goal already, but I don't know how well I would handle a situation where I would need to drastically change my eating when a weight loss number is reached. There are a few folks on OH who brag about eating all manner of candy, cookies, pastas, rice, etc. in order to slow or stop their weight loss. Sounds awesome at first. The fat girl in me is saying "hell yeah!" -- eat 1/2 a dozen Krispy Kremes in order to MAINTAIN my weight! Woo-hoo! But long term that has got to suck. Sure there are enzymes and such to be taken, but I personally don't think that situation would be good for me, I don't think I could handle that very well. I know me and I just don't think that would be a position I want to be in.

In my mind, the day after I reach goal won't be too much different than the day before, as I hope for it to be 5 years afterwards. Remember, my goal is 199. That still puts me at like a 27.9 BMI, smack dab in the overweight category. I'd still need to lose 25 more lbs to get a "normal" BMI. Plastic surgery should address most of that. I just want a sustainable healthy way of eating, and everyday I learn a little more and more about what that means for me. I'm so over "dieting", I don't ever want to have to do that crap again. The DS has done and will do the bulk of the work for me, but I still have to do my part.

Anywho, I only have 36.4 more lbs to lose til I reach the 300-lb loss mark. Craziness. I'm 3 lbs away from Dr. M's goal for me, plastic surgery time, according to him...uh...no. My flab has quite a bit of fat within it so, when that changes, I'm guessing in another 60 lbs, I should be okay with looking into it, honestly, probably not for another year.

This fall, I am going to my alma mater for a football game. I haven't been back since 2005 and hadn't seen many of my college friends since then. I'm really looking forward to it, although I'm pretty sure a particular person is going to be there that I am not sure I want to see, yes, we're talking about Guy. I would really, REALLY, like some closure with him. I ain't gon lie, I wanna see him, rather, I want him to see me. For all I know, he could be married by now, actually that would be perfect because then the door would certainly be closed!

Oh well, I'm hungry, time for food!

Mothercrapper!!!

2008-03-28T13:12:00.000-04:00

I had a mid-week tennis lesson yesterday and typically I leave them somewhat fatigued, but on a high, usually feeling like I made some progress. Yesterday was different. My teacher introduced another level of complexity which completely threw everything out of whack and once again, I was lobbing ball over the fence. God, I hate that. Not getting the balls in court is bad enough, but when they're sailing 45° over the fence, that ain't good. Sigh. She had me work on what she is calling split stance and staying on my toes so that I work on moving to where the ball will land so that I can hit it within my natural stroke. Totally screwed me up and it's frustrating enough for me to lose a little sleep over it. So yeah, I will be hitting the tennis court this afternoon for sure!

My appointment with the endocrinologist is exactly one week from today. THANK GOD. I've been waiting for this for a month! Still working on a list of every possible question I want to ask. Dr. R. is going to get an earful, I hope he's ready, I will be.

Have I mentioned lately that I have nothing to wear? No? Ok. I have NOTHING to wear. I have 3 pairs of jeans and two good shirts. That's it. I'm compiling more clothes to take to Goodwill and it includes almost everything I've worn all winter. I'm trying to talk my sister into flying to meet me back home so that she can go shopping with me. We are only 1-2 sizes away from each other and she has such great style I'm hoping some of it would rub off on me!

Weight this morning, 255.8 lbs. Haven't made much progress within the last week, but no worries. I'm just happy to have made some progress this month at all.

This weekend is going to be spent at my desk. It's the end of the quarter and that means I'll be spending most of it working, running reports, updating pricing and product info, etc. I'll also be finalizing the photos for BP and her family. I want to get them all done and printed before I go home in about a week and a half.

I'm not sure what my problem is lately, but I have been spending more money on food than I usually do. I mean I'm buying all kinds of protein, my freezer is filled with all manner of beef, chicken, seafood and pork. I don't know why I keep buying the stuff, it's not like I go through a lot of it, it just keeps calling my name or something. I bought a corned beef which I am going to cook tomorrow. I had some on St. Patty's Day and wanted more. I also bought more shrimp, I love to cook it with butter, Adobo and some garlic. YUM. I guess this is a good thing, much better than the food aversion I had last year, that sucked.

Anyway, speaking of food, time to go get some!

I'm tired

2008-03-24T19:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know how else to put it. I'm worn the hell out. Yesterday was Easter and since I was going to be spending it at BP's house and since this was the first time in a year that both her daughters would be in town as well as her sister, I offered to do some family photos for them. I haven't been taking as many photos lately, certainly not as much as I'd like so I thought it would do a good thing and get some practice in. Now, I last did photos for this family way back in 2005 at another of her sister's house in NJ for her son's 1st birthday party. All her siblings were there as well as their mother. It took FOREVER to get all these very lively, boisterous folks to take decent photos BUT I got some great photos of their family which turned out to be a wonderful thing since their mother passed away a few months later. I ended taking the last photos of them and their mother together. So anyway, I told them the day before to get dressed and be ready to take photos, no t-shirts, no sweat, they had to look decent. I got there a little after 4 PM, only BP was dressed. I didn't start taking pictures til just after 7 PM, I took my last photo around 10. Yes, three freakin' hours. Three hours to take some family photos of FIVE people. Ugh. In all honesty, it wasn't that bad, I mean, BP's sister totally cracks me up and I enjoy being creative with the camera, but I certainly didn't expect it to take that long. Anyway, it was totally worth it when I saw some of the photos I took. They came out great! I'm so happy! All that work paid off.

I was so excited when I eventually got home, that I just had to download the pictures to my computer (instead of the crappy laptop) and view them on my nice monitor. They look even better! There is some tweaking to be done, but I'm really happy with the result. I ended up going to bed around 1:30 AM which sucks because Monday's are crazy and I usually have to get up at 7 AM which is exactly what I did, 12 hours later, my brain is mush and I could go to bed right now if it were dark out. I think I can manage a couple more hours then it's night time for me!

Yeah, baby, yeah!!!

2008-03-24T13:20:00.002-04:00

Big congratulations to Tiffany over at Change is Good, she's in ONDERLAND!!! WOO-HOO!!!! Save a seat for me, girl, I'll be there soon enough!!!!

Par-tay!

2008-03-23T11:46:00.001-04:00

The dinner and party Friday night were great. We went to the same place where we had our Christmas party. I had the scallops again (YUM!) and nursed a couple of Diet Cokes while everyone else drank away. Needless to say, I was the designated driver. Turns out the Diet Cokes were a bad idea. I couldn't sleep that night, too wired. It was rough getting up yesterday morning, but I had lots to do. Yesterday was BP's surprise birthday party and I'm exhausted. The plan was for her sister to take her out to get their hair and nails done, then arrive back at her house around 7:00 PM for the big surprise. I was to arrive around 4:00 PM to leisurely help BP's husband and daughter set up for the party, decorate, cook, whatever. Instead I got a frantic call from BP's husband around 3:00 PM telling me to get over there as fast as I could and then I spent the next 4+ hours running around like a crazy person cleaning, decorating, running out to pick up the cake, ice and other last minute stuff. I then spent the whole party playing photographer and making sure that I took good pictures. The best part was that her other daughter flew in from California and surprised her. She was shocked! She cried and cried. It was great, I'm glad she had a good party. Alls I gotta do now is process the photos and get them back to her in a book or something.

I got a couple of interesting comments at the party. One lady flat out didn't recognize me at first, took a couple of seconds and she was like "Omigod!". It was funny. The other one came from a lady I hadn't seen in probably two years, she said "You look different. What's different about you?" At first I was taken aback, but I just said that I lost a lot of weight. She's English so I don't know if in English culture it's poor manners to talk about people's weight or not. Anyway, no big deal. The food at the party was great, there was shrimp and ham and chicken and green beans and more ham and more shrimp and potato chips. I only ate the chips during the decorating frenzy because they were the only things out and I was STARVING. I did try a green olive, but couldn't muster a second.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter, y'all! I'm exhausted, it's late morning and I'm barely getting started. Weight this morning, 255.2 lbs! Woo-hoo! Down 9.2 lbs for the month and 261.4 lbs overall. Just a few short lbs away from Dr. M's goal for me.

To answer Ann's question about tracking food, yes, I track my food. I did it for years way back when I was a hard-core low carber and I did it for the first full year post-op, and now I still do it although, not every single thing every single day, but what usually happens is I track about 3/4 of my food each day so that I can see if for the last 2-3 meals of the day, I need to focus on protein/calories or not. I no longer trust my non-tracking guesstimates anymore because more often than not, my guesstimates come in way low on protein and way high on carbs.

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

2008-03-21T12:46:00.000-04:00

I have found the secret to DS success -- switch things up! From here on out, I am going to eat higher calories/protein for 7-10 days (2800+ calories, 240+ grams protein) then change to lower calories/protein for 7-10 days (2000 calories, 150 grams protein). This seems to be the way to go for me. The few days I've been eating more, hunger hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've finally started losing weight again....down to 256.2 lbs this morning with a grand total loss of 260.4 lbs! Slowly, but surely.

Support Group last night was pretty good, the speaker was boring, but it was fun to see all my DS and WLS homies, always a pleasure. A few of us will be running the Peachtree Road Race in July so that leaves us like 3.5 months to train. Speaking of, I check my bank account today and the PTRR committee has already cashed my check, translation -- I'M IN!!!! Woo-hoo!!! That race is going to kick my ass, but I am going to try my best. I've been slacking on the running lately, opting instead to focus on tennis which I enjoy 100 times more. Running sucks and it's hard, I'm happy that I can physically run, but it's not fun ... at all ... not even a little bit. Oh well, after July 4th, I'm probably done with running although I may do the same 10K in September that I did last year, just to improve on my abysmal results of coming in next to last! My big focus is joining my first tennis team sometime this summer and I have a LONG way to go before that...I haven't even learned how to serve yet!

Tonight is my company's anniversary dinner/party and I've decided to write a little speech. I know I bitch and moan about the business a lot, but besides the DS (and post-op life), it's by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm proud of my company and how far we've come. It's so easy to get lost in the minutiae and to see the forest for the trees and all that. We focus so much on making things better, focusing on and picking apart all the things we are doing right, we forget and often fail to acknowledge all the things we are doing great! My speech will focus on that.

Anywho, I'm going to run to Marshall's and/or Kohl's to try to find something to wear. God help me!

Hollow Leg

2008-03-19T19:58:00.002-04:00

What I ate today:

M1: 2 eggs scrambled with 3 slices of American cheese on a Low Carb tortilla
M2: 2 Mesquite baked chicken legs
M3: 2 slices of cotto salami, 2 oz deli turkey, 1 slice of cheese on Double Fiber wheat bread w/ mustard
M4: 6-7 oz homemade chili
M5: Grilled cheese sandwich on DFW bread
M6: 1 Mesquite backed chicken leg

It's just almost 8 PM and I'm STILL hungry. I know this is the classic indicator of not consistently eating enough -- either that or I have a hollow leg ... Sigh...time to incorporate a shake or two in my routine. I know that's also a lot of cheese, but I am trying to finish up what I have so that it can be done and over with. I have a helluva time moderating my cheese intake, so it's either all or nothing and at this point, it should probably be nothing ESPECIALLY with the constipation I am having with taking so much calcium.

I went shopping at Ross today. I have quite a few social activities over the next 3 days and am way past tired of wearing the same few things over and over. I was mildly successful in that I found a nice blouse, but that's it. I tried on a 14/16 blouse and it fit (yea!) but was too short (bummer). At least I know I can get into 14/16's. Pretty awesome. I tried on two pairs of pants, one a size 18 (fit) and a size 20 (also fit). I just looked weird in them, I think it may be the cut of them, boot cuts that are snug in the thighs, but flare out past the knees. Maybe it's a mental thing, I don't know, but my hips are so much wider than I would like. It sucks. For now, pants-wise, I will stick with what I have until I can trim down some more in my hips. Thanks to Tiffany, I'm set for a good while. The back of my thighs look gnarly too.

I took a good, long hard look at myself in front of a well lit mirror today. Gosh, I look so different than where I started. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me when I least expect it to. I've sort of transitioned into being fairly comfortable in my own body although I do, at times, feel like I'm not as "small" as I am. I remember when I would compare myself to pre-op photos in order to see the big difference, now I could look at photos of myself 6-8 months ago and see a significant change. Craziness...

Today I did something that completely shocked the hell out of me...I jumped up and down on one leg! I inadvertently jammed my left foot in the corner of my kitchen cabinet hard enough that I actually jumped up and down a few hops. It stopped hurting for a few seconds while I realized what I just did. Pretty cool, huh?

Today is also BP's birthday, the big 5-0! Not too much going on tonight, but we're throwing a surprise party Saturday night. Tomorrow is support group meeting and Friday night is our company's 3-year anniversary so we're throwing a company party. Good times.

Stupid Tornado.....

2008-03-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

So we had some crazy weather Friday night through Saturday in Atlanta! Friday night, a tornado actually touched down in downtown Atlanta, passing over the CNN Center, the Georgia Dome and Philips Arena which are all within a block or so of each other. Luckily there were no serious injuries, but from what little I could see from news footage, the damage was fairly severe. Then it started all up again Saturday. Early in the morning some strong storms passed through around 6:00 AM in my area and woke me up, but they weren't strong enough to get me out of bed. Saturday afternoon, different story. I was on Skype with my business partner talking about a problem employee. She has a TV on in her office, I don't. She makes a remark about impending storms so I check out the weather online and see a very ominous looking line of storms heading our way. This is just before noon. Long story, short. I spent the next two hours running between the living room so that I could watch how close the TORNADOES were to me and cowering in the bathtub with a giant pillow over my head on the phone with BP trying not to cry. Looking at the images on the TV screen, it looked like certain death was headed my way. I was really, really scared. BP lives right in the middle of the two major lines of storms/tornadoes so all she got was a little heavy rain. I got strong winds, heavy rain and hail. Truly frightening. Y'know it's never a good thing when you hear the freakin' tornado sirens go off in your neighborhood. Some areas got hit really hard and Thank God it completely passed me.

Onto more happy things... the applications for the 2008 Peachtree Road Race came out today and I'm so excited! I've been waiting for this for weeks! What they do is they put the application in the Sunday edition of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution every year which begins the mad dash to yours in because they only accept the first 45,000 apps and choose another 10,000 from the remaining ones. Yes, it is a BIG deal. I was up early this morning and got two papers, one for me and one for a friend in Alabama. I ain't trying to play around so I already filled mine out and put them in the mail. It's less than four months away so I really gotta buckle down with my training. It's going to be awesome!!!

Got a tennis lesson today and that's pretty much it. Weight this morning is 258.2 lbs. Ugh. Still battling the Big C and making little progress. I may need to cut down on cheese as that seems to be a binder, I can't cut calcium, that's not an option. Anyway, time to go eat and maybe get a little work done before I head out!

73°

2008-03-13T12:25:00.001-04:00

Yeah, that means I am out of here in about 1/2 an hour to go enjoy the sun! Thank you GOD, finally some semi-consistently warm weather. Yea! I am so over being cold. I swear, it's been like 6 months of freezing my ass off. Ugh. Only problem, of course, is that I have NO true warm weather clothes. Not an immediate problem, but it definitely will be in a few weeks. Oh well.

Weight-wise, I am holding steady at 257.0 lbs (random aside -- I almost typed 357.0 ... good grief), that's up 0.2 lbs from my lowest a few days ago. I've been drinking water like a mad woman hoping to stave off chronic constipation and any chance of getting hemorrhoids. I've only had them once and that is enough to know I don't EVER want to have them again.

Tonight is my weekly Lost get-together at my friends house, very much looking forward to it!

Tennis Follies

2008-03-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

Tiffany's comment in reference to her fear of balls coming near her face from my post yesterday gave me a chuckle. It's funny because there is one situation in tennis that causes me to freeze in my steps and flat out panic and it's when the ball is coming over the fence toward me in a tall arch and it looks like it's heading straight for my face.

I don't know what it is but it's like everything is moving in slow motion and my brain and my feet completely disagree as to what to do. My body is saying "here comes the ball, hit it!", but my brain is like "oh my God, it's coming at me! Run! No, duck! No, run! No, duck!" So anyway, my tutor and I are on one side of the court and another player is on the other side and we're taking turns hitting the ball back and forth and we're in a good rhythm and I'm feeling pretty good, most of my shots are returnable, but then he lobs the ball back at me and everything slows down -- it's like a movie -- and I hear my instructor, who's to the right of me say "Watch it!". Now, by that she means "Tia, it's closer to you than to me, you go ahead and hit it", however ... my brain hears "Watch it!" and translates it to "stand there like an idiot and watch the ball come at me." Long story, short I stood there like an idiot and caught the ball mere inches before it hit me in the face. I look at my instructor and we both start laughing... Good times. LOL! Yeah, well, it was funny to me. I guess you had to be there.

Anyway, weight this morning, 256.8 lbs, down 0.4 lbs. Ok, I'll admit it, I'm shocked I'm losing weight like this. My only hope is that it continues like this for the next six months, but in reality it's probably makeup loss for the past couple of mediocre months. I don't care, I'll take it!

Half the woman I used to be...

2008-03-10T11:53:00.000-04:00

Despite a few glitches, I had a good day yesterday. DST didn't mess me up til this morning. Sucks. Anyway, I had a really great tennis lesson yesterday. There was three of us, the expert/instructor, a player who has been playing for 18 months or so and me. I like lessons more than just practicing by myself, definitely more fun and more tiring. Things are finally coming together a little bit, my footwork, ball tracking and form are improving although ball control is still all over the place BUT much better, I only hit one ball over the fence. I'm happy about that. In the very beginning, I probably hit about 1/3 over the fence and it's such a pain to go fetch them afterwards. I thought for sure I'd be sore this morning, but I feel fine.

I had a great dinner last night pork tenderloin, roasted potatoes with a mushroom sauce and a salad, no dessert. Yum. I ate my share of pork and only a couple of pieces of potato and I even ate some of the portabello mushrooms, crazy, I know. Weight this morning was 257.2 lbs. Amazing. Down another 0.8 lbs, for a grand total loss of 259.4 lbs. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I've lost more weight than what I weigh. I'm only 7.2 lbs away from Dr. Marchesini's goal for me, 40.6 lbs from losing a total of 300 lbs. That is really, really exciting for me. After that, it's just like 16.8 more lbs to Onderland!

Speaking of the good doctor, I just found out he is coming to the states in June and I am seriously considering going to see him. A good friend of mine lives in Philly so I might try to arrange something with him as well. I've never been to DC so it might be cool to see our nation's capital and do the touristy thing while I am there. We'll see.

Oops...

2008-03-09T09:40:00.000-04:00

Raise your hand if you forgot Daylight Saving Time... Yeah, me too.

I feel a little unsettled. How did I completely forget DST? Not even a clue, usually I overhear something on the news or a friend or my parents will remind me or mention it in conversation. It sucks because I got up what I thought was 6:30 AM in order to get a few things done early as I have a busy day today, but turns out, it was a full hour later. Dangit. So I had to rearrange some things and my day will probably run longer than I had planned. Oh well.

How about some Sunday morning irony? After years and years of constipation due to my iron supplements, I was rejoicing in discovering an iron supplement that didn't clog me up only to discover the Calcium supplements are taking it's place in that realm. Sigh. Now I either have to take stool softeners or greatly increase my magnesium. One of these days I will find the right balance.

Weight this morning was an even 258.0 lbs. This was after I stayed at 259.2 for a day, then went up to 260.0 yesterday. The poop gods smiled upon me this morning. Ugh, I hate constipation, it's such an annoyance. Anyway, total loss so far is ... 258.6 lbs! Wait. Holy crap, I just realized I've lost 1/2 my body weight! Woo-hoo!!! I'm doing a happy jig!!!

I love my DS!!!!