One of the most frequent comments/questions I hear when people see that I’ve lost a lot of weight is along the lines of “You must feel so much better” or “don’t you feel so much better”. Typically, I respond with a mildly enthusiastic “hell, yeah” with just a hint of “duh”. I usually don’t think too much about it later, but today one lady said this comment to me in a tone that just totally rubbed me the wrong way, almost like I unwittingly validated her personal deep-seeded disgust of overweight people, almost like I gave her future ammunition to say “I told you so” to somebody. Ugh…kinda made me want to her the evil eye or something….

Anyway, work is getting crazy, but in a good way. I’m working on a sports related site that has a lot going on in the next several weeks. The parallel that I would draw here is if I was working for NBC and it was a month before the Olympics and I was one of the web developers for the Olympics website. It’s kinda like that, it’s a high profile website, with a very wide reach and the entire team is working hard to get everything ready for our biggest time of the season. Good stuff. We had a meeting today with about 10 people from different departments and we were all trying to problem solve a few issues and it was just so awesome to be in that kind of environment with a lot of smart, capable, normal people brainstorming trying to come up with a good plan of action. I totally dug it. I really missed that kind of thing working at my company. Just another confirmation that I did the right thing in leaving. This week is going to be busy though as I have several streaming video projects that I have to knock out in the next 6 days. It’s also such a confidence booster that I am entrusted to come up with a viable solution and get it implemented. I don’t want to let the team down and want to come up with an innovative solution so this will definitely be consuming a lot of my intellectual energy. I love it.

Last week I sent off for a few brochures for Executive Certificate programs at MIT, Emory, Harvard, Notre Dame and Cornell. I’m thinking about pursuing one maybe next fall. With the extra money I am making now, I should be able to have saved enough money to pay for a good chunk of the cost for one of these programs. For the longest time I swore off more school, but I don’t want to be a developer forever, I do like getting my hands dirty, but I like to think of myself as more of a creative/idea type of person so I’d like to try to find a program so that eventually I can either join a company or start my own where I can find a role that suits all my strengths. I’m just looking for now, but I need to start thinking longer term.

Have y’all been watching the Olympics? Good grief, I love this stuff and it’s not that I am just rooting for the Americans, there are so many compelling stories all the way around. Like the South Korean swimmer who redeemed himself after he got disqualified as a 14 year old four years ago. Or the Chinese male gymnast who spoke so passionately about bearing the burden of an entire country on his shoulders after the men’s team stumbled at the last Olympics. Or the three American women who swept all three medals in fencing. Or Dara Torres who is one of the fastest swimmers at the age of 41 – she is kicking butt, by the way. Or Michael Phelps who’s trying for 8 gold medals – did you see the 4 x 100 medley race from earlier today? There are so many folks to cheer for from all over, it’s so exciting!

For some strange reason I weighed in at 249.2 lbs this morning. Actually, I do know why, the big C (been pooping all day though...TMI, yes, I know). Sigh. Enough already! I went back over my last labs more thoroughly today and I think I will keep my protein in the 120-150g range during the week and maybe let it creep up over the weekend, this should take some of the pressure off my kidneys, but prevent the edema that I’m prone to. I’d rather retain the water now than have to have a freakin’ kidney transplant 30 years from now. Hells no! I don’t want any kidney damage. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Anyway, food was good, water was good, fixin’ to hop on my stationary bike while I watch some Olympics coverage. I swear, it’s like crack…

I'm just past the one month mark working at the new job and I now think that I can tweak my routine in order to get the best benefit healthwise. My walks to and from the bus stop to my office is quite enjoyable -- except when it rains. Each way is about 10-12 minutes with a couple of semi-steep hills. Way back when I used to do Body-for-Life and one of the things that I really liked about it was it's 20 minute cardio routine. I was surprised at what a good workout it was in that short amount of time. The plan is to do that routine every morning AND on nights when I don't have tennis. I'm gonna try to get to at least two tennis drill classes a week. Anyway, that'll give me roughly an hour's worth of cardio, it'll just be spread out over the course of the day. That might actually be better than all at once.

On the food front, I am going to do 2 protein shakes a day, something like this:

M1: Protein shake before I walk out the door in the AM
M2: Light snack mid-morning
M3: Lunch
M4: Light snack mid- afternoon
M5: Protein shake when I get home from work
M6: Dinner, post workout

Previously I had been drinking 50g protein shakes, but these will be more like 35g each. My goal is to get adequate, but not excess, protein in daily while doing what I can to help mitigate constipation issues. I'm getting in about a gallon of water, no problem.

175-180 is the goal by the end of the year, if not sooner. I'm going to do my best to get there. In some respects I feel like I've wasted a good part of my second year, but on the other hand, I feel like I have had the journey I needed to have, everything happened the way it needed to and now I find myself exactly where I needed to. These last 65-70 lbs aren't going to just fall off easily, I know I will have to put some work into it, but thankfully with the DS, it'll be much easier than if I hadn't had the surgery PLUS I know that once the weight is gone, it's gone. The fluctuations I have had over the past few months have all been water weight, easily lost when I get back on track. It's a false comfort, of course, to know it's not fat that I'm constantly gaining and losing, and it doesn't really do anything for me in the short or long term.

According to Dr. Marchesini, I've surpassed my weight loss goal, to him, I'm at 102% EWL. In order to have a normal BMI and get down to a weight where I can best have plastic surgery, have to weigh 178 lbs given my height of 5'11". This morning I weighed in at 245.2 lbs, that gives me a total loss of 271.4 lbs. I need to lose a total of 338.6 lbs. I therefore have 67.2 more lbs to go. This is truly homestretch time. I'm 80% of the way there. It's like the last 1.2 miles of the Peachtree Road Race where it seemed like the race would never end and much of the energy and vigor I had was spent and the only thing that would get me to the finish would be the will to want to finish and the holding on to the notion that I just need to take it one day at a time. I think my problem has been looking at the goal I want to accomplish as one big giant scary thing. I need to not do that and just break it down in manageable steps. Feeling overwhelmed or feeling like this is an impossible task is a quick and fast way for me to get derailed. I think I've probably spent the last 6 months being off track.

I think now that I am away from the toxic environment of working with my business partner and am in a much more satisfying environment, I can go start focusing on my health and weight loss again. So much of my time and energy was spent on dealing with that nightmare situation that I'm actually surprised at how draining it actually was. It's amazing.

Anyway, football season is just a few weeks away and I CAN NOT WAIT. It's been a long hiatus and I'm anxious to see how well my team will perform this year. Unfortunately, it looks like I may not be going up to my alma mater to see a game after all. Sept 1 is the US 10K Classic and I really want to run in it since I did so poorly last time around, plus it'll help get me a good number for the Peachtree Road Race next year. I will most likely be taking at least 1/2 a day off that day. If I were to leave to my alma mater, I'd be leaving on the 5th and I'd rather not have too many days off or miss to many hours since I'm technically a contractor and I really want to make as much money as I can, I need to pad the nest egg and pay off some bills and just raise my standard of living a tad. I will be going to Texas for Thanksgiving so I'll already be losing 2-3 days there so I just want to be careful about time off. There is a big reunion next summer that I might shoot for, I'll be at goal weight by then and hopefully looking into at least the first phase of plastics. We'll see.

Anyway, time to do some laundry and make my lunches for the week. The better prepared I am with good, nutritious food, the less likely I am to want to stray.

Day 4 - Funny how that is

With the Duodenal Switch, your eating somewhat returns to normal. It's not like you have to eat pureed food for the rest of your life, you can, for the most part, eat like a "normal" person. One thing, I have learned I can't do is drink large quantities of liquid within 15-30 minutes of getting a full stomach. If I do, whatever I just ate & drank is coming right back up. This is not a frequent occurrence, but happens every now and again when I forget that I need to NOT try to chug a glass of water after dinner. Ugh. Talk about horrible. It's just going to be one of those things I will not ever be able to do. I'm totally cool with that, especially if it prevents the fun I had last night. Ugh.

Today, was a good day food-wise. I kept it pretty straightforward, and honestly, take Day 2 and you've basically got what I ate today. My weight is down to 247.8 lbs, down 3 more lbs, and just 67.8 lbs til goal. Still dealing with a good bit of the big C, but things are moving a little bit, but I'm not all cleared out. Yuck, I know, I know, but such is the DS life.

On the exercise front, I didn't do any extra tonight since I'm pretty much sore all over. Training on the bike and really pushing myself is taking it's toll. I need to rest.

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. Where doth the time go? Craziness. Well, I'm at the end of a book that I am desperate to finish so that's it for me today.

Day 3 - No poop

Not a good way to start off the day. I will be patient because I know a big ol'whoosh is bound to come any day now, hopefully sooner than later. Since I've been über diligent with my iron and calcium, constipation is my companion. Boo-hiss. I'm gonna take my stool softeners on a regular basis 'cause as much as I hate constipation, I hate hemorrhoids more.

Weight this morning, 251. Ironically, a few minutes ago I hopped on the scale and weighed 250.8. That never happens!

The day went pretty awesome, except that I forgot to eat the 2nd chicken leg I brought to lunch with me:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Chili
M3: Chicken leg, slice of corned beef, 3 slices of hard salami
M4: Sunflower seeds
M5: Fajitas! sans tortillas. Yum! Shrimp, beef, pulled pork AND beef. I ate nearly all the meat except for some of the chicken. I had a 3-4 corn chips with salsa, two bites of rice and about a tablespoon of cheese (sorry, couldn't help it).
M6: Protein shake

I'm fixin' to hop on my bike in a few minutes and get to peddlin' for at least 1/2 an hour. I just got back from the bookstore where I picked up a few books for my daily commute to work as well as a couple of moleskines...they have soft-cover ones now....so pretty!

Alrighty then!

Day 2

Today was much like yesterday. Got in plenty of water and all my vits. Meals looked like this:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Chili
M3: 3 oz sunflower seeds, shelled
M4: 2 Chicken legs
M5: Tequila lime chicken wings (6)
M6: More wings (3)
M7: Protein shake

Exercise: 20 minutes on the exercise bike, plus 30 minutes of walking.

Somehow I injured my left foot because my arch is killing me. It hurts when I take a step and roll my foot from heel to toe, like a tendon or ligament is pulled or something. It's not broken, but definitely inflamed somehow. I'm trying to take it easy, but that ain't easy, I'm used to moving faster than I currently am. Gonna take some Tylenol and see how it goes. If it's not better by the weekend, doctor-time! Bummer.

I'm battling the water-retention and constipation demons. My weight has jumped up to 254! Grrrrrrrr. That's more than 10 lbs than my lowest. Not happy about that, but it's not completely out of the ordinary whenever I transition from poor/mediocre eating to good eating, especially when I increase the protein. I went back and looked at my protein more closely over the past couple of weeks and it was more in the 100-125 range than the 150's which was what I though. Oh how the mind deceives.... Ugh, I've been trying to keep it over 200 for now to see how it goes. Hopefully by the weekend, it'll be back to normal.

The question is whether I should shoot for a 25-lb loss from 254 or from 243...Hmmmm....

Day 1

Today was a pretty darn good day. First and foremost, food log:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Bowl of chili
M3: Protein bar
M4: Chicken leg
M5: Chicken leg
M6: Turkey, corned beef, salami rolls
M7: Protein shake
M8: Chicken leg

Protein in the vicinity of around 200g, a little higher than I'd like, but I was starving when I got home from work. 180-200 may just have to be my range. Too little protein and I get sluggish and start retaining water, too much and I risk kidney issues so I just have to watch it. Carbs were under 50 for sure. Gonna try to work in some veggies of some kind tomorrow, maybe some green beans. Also of note, no cheese, no wheat besides what could have been in my protein bar.

For exercise, I had my two 15 min brisk walks to and from the bus to my job and then I rode my stationary bike for 35 minutes and worked up a good sweat. I was pedaling my butt off!

Water-wise, I'll end the day around a gallon and I've taken all my vitamins except for my last dose of Calcium.

Alrighty then, right on track!

Twinkle, Twinkle

It's amazing what a little (ok, a lot) of protein can do. Weight this morning, 257.6 lbs, down around 13 lbs in a week. Geez. I've been getting in 250+ grams of protein for the past 6 days and will maintain that level for the month. My pipe dream is to be in the mid-230's by the end of the month, but that might be too ambitious. My suspicion is that my normal protein level is around 180-200 once I lose the rest of this water weight. My problem is that I was letting it go sub 125 or so, or at least that's what I am thinking. When I was home in Texas, I maybe was eating protein 2-3 times a day instead of my usual 5-7 times a day. It wasn't until my last couple of days there that that changed.

Went to practice tennis this afternoon when I should have been running or something. Ugh. I am sooo not looking forward to the 10K I gotta do in a month. Not at all. I'd rather not be bothered, but I made a commitment and will do it. Running is DEFINITELY not for me, part of the reason why I think that is because I do believe I am still too heavy, that, or too awkward. My excess skin between my thighs is just too much in the way. I'm thinking/considering picking up another activity, something in a different arena, maybe a martial art or something. I haven't decided yet.

I'm on cloud nine right now, my grand-niece just sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to me on the phone....the kid couldn't be cuter.

What?!?

94° Blazing hot again, but honestly, it feels good to be hot instead of constantly cold. I went out at lunch and practiced my serve. Gosh, it is hard. I totally suck at it, it's such an unnatural motion for me. Oh well, just gotta keep practicing. I got drenched in sweat again, feels good.

On a related note, I called the Tennis Club where I take my lessons and asked them about memberships. This particular place is a little unique because the Tennis Club membership is an add-on to the Social/Fitness Club/Pool membership. Anyway, I almost fell out my chair when the lady told me how much it was... $3500 initiation fee + $110 per month. WTF?!? That's craziness! Ain't no way I'm paying that much money for no tennis. If I didn't have to pay the $3500, I might consider it because they do have an awesome Fitness Center and it's less than 5 minutes from my house, but c'mon! The $110 includes USTA & ALTA team fees, but does not include ball machine rentals which I really want to use 2-4 times a week! Uh, no. My other option is good old Public Parks Tennis Center. It costs $325 per year, no initiation fee, it also includes USTA & ALTA team fees and FREE use of the ball machine! The facilities aren't as posh and there aren't as many tennis courts, but I don't think it's a big deal. Guess which one I'm probably going with?

Anyway, it seems the added exercise and heat are having an effect on my weight, it's down to around 260 or so, that's almost 10 lbs in under a week. I wish it were moving faster, but am happy it's moving at all! I'm hoping by the end of the month, I will be at a new all-time low. I'm also keeping an eye on my carbs, I haven't broken free of cheese or low-carb tortillas since the carb cravings are so high, as soon as I can maintain steady blood sugar and the carb monster is calmed, I will phase them out.

Double Fault

I'm happy to report that I did look quite cute Thursday night...but I ended not going to the thing. A good friend of mine who had planned to go, but who had to stay home that night because his wife was out of town and had to watch his daughter, had a small gathering of friends for a Lost Party. So we have large anxiety-filled social gathering where I may not know anyone on one hand or a small gathering at a good friend's house on the other hand...needless to say, I opted for the smaller gathering and I'm glad I did. It was so much fun and I felt so at ease and so normal. I didn't feel like the big blob in the room and I have a new wow to report. Y'know how normal people sit on the floor cross-legged and are able to perform this smooth, swift motion of standing stand up? I totally did that! It was awesome, I actually surprised myself AND when I got home, first thing I did was sit on the floor cross-legged and got up again just in case I was imagining it! I love my DS! Anywho, that was one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen, by the way. That dang show is gonna give me a complex...

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday. I've been mulling over redecorating my bedroom and bathroom and I had gotten a couple of things last weekend, but yesterday I went shopping again and got pretty much everything I needed except for paint and window curtains. Those two things I will probably need to let simmer in my brain a little and maybe spend a little time looking at design magazines. My walls are not white, but a neutral light, light tannish with more yellow tones than brown. I don't like them anymore, I want to keep them neutral -- well, at least most of them -- but I want warmer, browner tones. I am planning on painting an accent wall, I've always wanted a chocolate brown wall, but that not actually work with the color scheme. I'm going with warmer reds, golds, browns, tans, etc. I really like my choices so far and tomorrow I will start working on it. I would be doing that now, but I'm stuck at my computer processing reams of pricing updates for work. YAWN.

I also went grocery shopping and got plenty of good food to eat, I am all about the clean eating and I mean super clean, not even cheese or Dreamfield's pasta or low carb tortillas or bread. Nope, it's all out the door!

Today, I had my tennis lesson and it was so much FUN. The last lesson, I missed, they learned how to serve so I totally sucked at it, it's an almost unnatural motion and the ball tossing part is tricky. It'll take some time before I can toss the ball in the air consistently in the same trajectory. I worked up a good sweat too and even found myself running around and hitting some balls that I never thought I'd be fleet-footed enough to get. Awesomeness. This particular tennis clinic ends next week, then a phase II beginner's class starts for another 5 or so weeks. Our instructors said we are not really ready for the weekly drill sessions they have so I'll take their words for it, but hopefully near the end of phase II, I can pick up a weekly drill session and maybe by the fall I'll be able to join a team. Now that I know the people in my class a little more, the social aspect of it is emerging and making it that much more enjoyable. My dormant competitive nature is waking making me more compelled to sneak in an extra practice session here and there. I hate sucking and it feels so good to hit the ball right and not have it sail over the fence or nearly take someone's eye out two courts over. What?!? Me?....never...:)

Out and about.

Got a busy day today. We have a staff meeting today which will kill a few hours and then I have to play tech support and upgrade software on several company computers and troubleshoot a laptop that has Vista on it. My gut reaction is to say "I hate Vista" but I don't use Vista, I'm sticking with the nightmare I'm already familiar with - XP. I have to go to the bank and I want to sneak in some tennis today, but I'm not sure I can before it gets dark.

The protein bar that almost killed me yesterday was ISS OhYeah! Protein Wafer described as "A Scrumptious Creme Filled Wafer Loaded with Protein". Uhm, no, tastes like shit.

Weighed in at 266 lbs this morning, down 5 lbs from yesterday after a day where I consumed (mostly through shakes/drinks) almost 300 grams of protein. That number is a little suspect because I'm not sure of the quality of the two shakes I drank in the morning. Do protein mixes degrade over time? Still a good 15 lbs over where I was, but making progress. The body is an amazing thing, ain't it? I just have to be more careful when it comes to protein, I should not have gone weeks and weeks without getting in adequate protein, part of the reason is the traveling and subsequent sickness, but if nothing else, I need to consistently track my food in Fitday, well at least track my protein. I never have low protein days when I track my food.

Ok, then, time to get moving. Already had an Isopure this morning and will make breakfast in a few minutes. My meeting is at noon, so I will grab a couple of Isopure's as I walk out the door, one for during the meeting and one for a few hours later. It seems like a lot but I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Month 20

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

GA

Getting on an plane, was again, a non-issue, it just blows my mind. I fit fine, no problems whatsoever. My back did start hurting after an hour or so, but that was it. I felt completely normal. Craziness. Cool, but crazy. Well, I obviously made it home in one piece! What a trip...I actually didn't want to come back to GA. It wasn't that I was having non-stop fun, it was just nice to relax and spend time with the family, especially Mom & Dad. As they get older these types of trips become more and more emotional for me. I know they aren't going to be around forever and it's sobering to have to sometimes talk about things (wills, life insurance, etc.) that you don't really want to have to deal with. Ugh. BUT, they are in decent health, are still able to get around and do their normal routines and they both have things that they enjoy doing and are still able to do so I am thankful for that. Besides that, the trip was cool, I didn't eat as well as I would have liked, but I made sure I got my protein in. I have a weakness for my mother's cooking and good, real Mexican food. I didn't drink enough water, but am working on a liter bottle of it right now.

When I was waiting for my dad to pick me up on the curb at the airport, he didn't recognize me. This baffles me to no end, I mean I was just back home in late September, I've maybe lost like 45 lbs since then, I can't believe I changed that much. What was really funny is that he wasn't the only one who didn't recognize me. Several family friends shook my hand without knowing it was me. It wasn't until I spoke that they realized who they were talking to. Talk about messing with my mind. Anyway, my mom, my aunt and I went shopping and I actually bought two dresses that I really like. This is monumental because I can't even remember the last time I willingly bought a dress. I will have to put them on and take some pictures. I actually have an occassion to wear one of them, some friends and I are hitting the town in a couple of weeks to celebrate one friend's birthday. I am hoping to also be done with my glasses by then as well. I'm convinced they are a male-deterrent which ain't good.

Typically, when I leave Atlanta, then go to a very dry climate and then return to my normal humid climate, within 24 hours, I always develop a sinus problem. I'm doing all I can to fend off a full-blown sinus infection because I start my group tennis clinic this Sunday, I don't want to miss it. Can I just say, I'm totally nervous about it? I won't chicken out, but I'm worried about my clothes...I think I will go out Saturday and at least find some cute shorts and t-shirts to wear. I can't go full-blown tennis gear, but I want to look decent. It's a beginner's class so maybe I'm worried for no good reason. I'm hoping the class is full of newbies like me who have the wrong clothes, shoes and rackets.

Tonight is support group meeting and I'm actually contemplating whether or not to go. I'm freakin' exhausted (I never get enough sleep when I travel) and this sinus crap isn't helping any, but I'll probably end up going. The guest speaker is a clinical psychologist, we are going to be discussing post-op issues -- relationship issues, cross addictions, self image, etc. Should be good.

I have to go grocery shopping as I no food, except for the 6 packs of Earl Campbell sausage I brought back from Texas. I couldn't help myself, I love the stuff and they are perfect for all the grilling I plan to do this spring/summer. Tiffany inspires me to be more social and active so that's what I'm going to do!

Good Stuff

I like to pass along good stuff so here we go:

1. Diet Root Beer. God help me, I love this stuff. I'm probably drinking too much of it, but it's such a treat. I'd rather have this than some kind of cookie. I love it ice cold poured over ice. YUM. It's caffeine-free too so instead of dessert, I'll have a big glass of chilled root beer.

2. Grill Mates® Mesquite Marinade. This stuff is amazing, I've been making it for a few weeks now and can't get enough marinated baked chicken. As long as I watch my bake time (375° for 45-50 mins), the chicken is perfect, moist, juicy and goes down easy, MUCH easier than when I did it the old way. I think has a large part to play in my weight loss this month as I've eaten A LOT of chicken instead of sausage and other processed foods.

3. Good Sense Roasted & Salted Soynuts. I first tried soy nuts like a year ago and when I saw them in the store, I figured, why not? They are a great snack, especially when I find myself wanting to mindlessly munch. Per serving: 140 calories, 7g fat, 10g carbs, 5g fiber and 10g of protein.

Setting the Tone

I've been doing a lot more reading on OH lately, trying to find to confirm a few things I have come to fully accept on my own in the past month. First, this morning I weighed in at 253.0 lbs, down 2.8 lbs from yesterday, 11.4 lbs for the month and down 263.6 lbs total. Assuming I end the month, month 19, exactly where I am right now, that's the most weight I've lost since September. What was so special about this month? I think I found a good sense of what my nutritional balance. I really feel like I have found a way to manage my nutritional goals with my desire to eat a wider variety of foods, some that I would normally not consider "good" during a weight loss phase. For example, in the past I was convinced that cheese was a big no-no, and frankly I do have to watch my cheese intake, but it's not that I can't have cheese, I can't have large quantities of it, I shouldn't eat it without eating another protein with it, and "real" cheese is 10 times better than processed cheese food. Where I would put cheese on everything, probably easily eating 8-10 oz of it in a day if I let myself, I now spread out 2-3 oz of real cheese (Muenster, swiss, provolone, Monterrey Jack, Cheddar, etc.) over the course of the day. It satisfies my need and desire for cheese, but doesn't clog me up too bad. I've also been able to manage low carb bread and tortillas really well. Instead of 5-6 servings in a day, I now maybe have 2, usually a slice of toast with my breakfast and a slice mid-day for an open-faced sandwich.

What's happening is that I'm consistently, day in and day out, eating meals that I can see myself eating once I'm done losing weight. A big goal here is to find a way to eat that'll last a lifetime. I don't feel like I'm dieting, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything anymore. I don't really see my "diet" changing all that much when I reach goal. There are really delicious, more nutritionally sound lower carb versions of anything I think I'd might want post-goal. Looking at my food logs, I am averaging somewhere between 50-80 carbs a day which is surprisingly fine. For awhile there, I was pretty convinced I'd have to consistently stay sub-40 in order to lose weight, but that hasn't been the case, in fact, I discovered something else surprising. If I am within 90% or greater of my protein goal for the day by the time I am at my last meal, as long as I have protein at that last meal of the day, I can have a high carb side like potatoes or rice OR even a small dessert and it have no effect on my weight loss and it will NOT derail me. Now, I do not do this two days in a row, but I've done it 6 or 7 times this month. The amazing thing is it doesn't trigger the carb-crazies where I feel like I need to eat every sugar-laden food within a 10 mile radius. It's funny because I used to read about DS-ers on OH who would do something similar and would continue to lose regularly. I didn't buy it at the time, but now I think I understand it. I don't look to have a higher carb serving at the end of the day, but if I am out to dinner or at a celebration, I know I can eat a little bit of rice or potatoes and not stress about it. It's kind of cool because a lot of stress of maintaining a good level of nutrition has dissipated. I feel much more comfortable about it and feel like when I hit goal, it won't be like hitting a brick wall. Yes, I'm impatient and yes, I want to be at goal already, but I don't know how well I would handle a situation where I would need to drastically change my eating when a weight loss number is reached. There are a few folks on OH who brag about eating all manner of candy, cookies, pastas, rice, etc. in order to slow or stop their weight loss. Sounds awesome at first. The fat girl in me is saying "hell yeah!" -- eat 1/2 a dozen Krispy Kremes in order to MAINTAIN my weight! Woo-hoo! But long term that has got to suck. Sure there are enzymes and such to be taken, but I personally don't think that situation would be good for me, I don't think I could handle that very well. I know me and I just don't think that would be a position I want to be in.

In my mind, the day after I reach goal won't be too much different than the day before, as I hope for it to be 5 years afterwards. Remember, my goal is 199. That still puts me at like a 27.9 BMI, smack dab in the overweight category. I'd still need to lose 25 more lbs to get a "normal" BMI. Plastic surgery should address most of that. I just want a sustainable healthy way of eating, and everyday I learn a little more and more about what that means for me. I'm so over "dieting", I don't ever want to have to do that crap again. The DS has done and will do the bulk of the work for me, but I still have to do my part.

Anywho, I only have 36.4 more lbs to lose til I reach the 300-lb loss mark. Craziness. I'm 3 lbs away from Dr. M's goal for me, plastic surgery time, according to him...uh...no. My flab has quite a bit of fat within it so, when that changes, I'm guessing in another 60 lbs, I should be okay with looking into it, honestly, probably not for another year.

This fall, I am going to my alma mater for a football game. I haven't been back since 2005 and hadn't seen many of my college friends since then. I'm really looking forward to it, although I'm pretty sure a particular person is going to be there that I am not sure I want to see, yes, we're talking about Guy. I would really, REALLY, like some closure with him. I ain't gon lie, I wanna see him, rather, I want him to see me. For all I know, he could be married by now, actually that would be perfect because then the door would certainly be closed!

Oh well, I'm hungry, time for food!

Mothercrapper!!!

I had a mid-week tennis lesson yesterday and typically I leave them somewhat fatigued, but on a high, usually feeling like I made some progress. Yesterday was different. My teacher introduced another level of complexity which completely threw everything out of whack and once again, I was lobbing ball over the fence. God, I hate that. Not getting the balls in court is bad enough, but when they're sailing 45° over the fence, that ain't good. Sigh. She had me work on what she is calling split stance and staying on my toes so that I work on moving to where the ball will land so that I can hit it within my natural stroke. Totally screwed me up and it's frustrating enough for me to lose a little sleep over it. So yeah, I will be hitting the tennis court this afternoon for sure!

My appointment with the endocrinologist is exactly one week from today. THANK GOD. I've been waiting for this for a month! Still working on a list of every possible question I want to ask. Dr. R. is going to get an earful, I hope he's ready, I will be.

Have I mentioned lately that I have nothing to wear? No? Ok. I have NOTHING to wear. I have 3 pairs of jeans and two good shirts. That's it. I'm compiling more clothes to take to Goodwill and it includes almost everything I've worn all winter. I'm trying to talk my sister into flying to meet me back home so that she can go shopping with me. We are only 1-2 sizes away from each other and she has such great style I'm hoping some of it would rub off on me!

Weight this morning, 255.8 lbs. Haven't made much progress within the last week, but no worries. I'm just happy to have made some progress this month at all.

This weekend is going to be spent at my desk. It's the end of the quarter and that means I'll be spending most of it working, running reports, updating pricing and product info, etc. I'll also be finalizing the photos for BP and her family. I want to get them all done and printed before I go home in about a week and a half.

I'm not sure what my problem is lately, but I have been spending more money on food than I usually do. I mean I'm buying all kinds of protein, my freezer is filled with all manner of beef, chicken, seafood and pork. I don't know why I keep buying the stuff, it's not like I go through a lot of it, it just keeps calling my name or something. I bought a corned beef which I am going to cook tomorrow. I had some on St. Patty's Day and wanted more. I also bought more shrimp, I love to cook it with butter, Adobo and some garlic. YUM. I guess this is a good thing, much better than the food aversion I had last year, that sucked.

Anyway, speaking of food, time to go get some!

Par-tay!

The dinner and party Friday night were great. We went to the same place where we had our Christmas party. I had the scallops again (YUM!) and nursed a couple of Diet Cokes while everyone else drank away. Needless to say, I was the designated driver. Turns out the Diet Cokes were a bad idea. I couldn't sleep that night, too wired. It was rough getting up yesterday morning, but I had lots to do. Yesterday was BP's surprise birthday party and I'm exhausted. The plan was for her sister to take her out to get their hair and nails done, then arrive back at her house around 7:00 PM for the big surprise. I was to arrive around 4:00 PM to leisurely help BP's husband and daughter set up for the party, decorate, cook, whatever. Instead I got a frantic call from BP's husband around 3:00 PM telling me to get over there as fast as I could and then I spent the next 4+ hours running around like a crazy person cleaning, decorating, running out to pick up the cake, ice and other last minute stuff. I then spent the whole party playing photographer and making sure that I took good pictures. The best part was that her other daughter flew in from California and surprised her. She was shocked! She cried and cried. It was great, I'm glad she had a good party. Alls I gotta do now is process the photos and get them back to her in a book or something.

I got a couple of interesting comments at the party. One lady flat out didn't recognize me at first, took a couple of seconds and she was like "Omigod!". It was funny. The other one came from a lady I hadn't seen in probably two years, she said "You look different. What's different about you?" At first I was taken aback, but I just said that I lost a lot of weight. She's English so I don't know if in English culture it's poor manners to talk about people's weight or not. Anyway, no big deal. The food at the party was great, there was shrimp and ham and chicken and green beans and more ham and more shrimp and potato chips. I only ate the chips during the decorating frenzy because they were the only things out and I was STARVING. I did try a green olive, but couldn't muster a second.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter, y'all! I'm exhausted, it's late morning and I'm barely getting started. Weight this morning, 255.2 lbs! Woo-hoo! Down 9.2 lbs for the month and 261.4 lbs overall. Just a few short lbs away from Dr. M's goal for me.

To answer Ann's question about tracking food, yes, I track my food. I did it for years way back when I was a hard-core low carber and I did it for the first full year post-op, and now I still do it although, not every single thing every single day, but what usually happens is I track about 3/4 of my food each day so that I can see if for the last 2-3 meals of the day, I need to focus on protein/calories or not. I no longer trust my non-tracking guesstimates anymore because more often than not, my guesstimates come in way low on protein and way high on carbs.

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

I have found the secret to DS success -- switch things up! From here on out, I am going to eat higher calories/protein for 7-10 days (2800+ calories, 240+ grams protein) then change to lower calories/protein for 7-10 days (2000 calories, 150 grams protein). This seems to be the way to go for me. The few days I've been eating more, hunger hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've finally started losing weight again....down to 256.2 lbs this morning with a grand total loss of 260.4 lbs! Slowly, but surely.

Support Group last night was pretty good, the speaker was boring, but it was fun to see all my DS and WLS homies, always a pleasure. A few of us will be running the Peachtree Road Race in July so that leaves us like 3.5 months to train. Speaking of, I check my bank account today and the PTRR committee has already cashed my check, translation -- I'M IN!!!! Woo-hoo!!! That race is going to kick my ass, but I am going to try my best. I've been slacking on the running lately, opting instead to focus on tennis which I enjoy 100 times more. Running sucks and it's hard, I'm happy that I can physically run, but it's not fun ... at all ... not even a little bit. Oh well, after July 4th, I'm probably done with running although I may do the same 10K in September that I did last year, just to improve on my abysmal results of coming in next to last! My big focus is joining my first tennis team sometime this summer and I have a LONG way to go before that...I haven't even learned how to serve yet!

Tonight is my company's anniversary dinner/party and I've decided to write a little speech. I know I bitch and moan about the business a lot, but besides the DS (and post-op life), it's by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm proud of my company and how far we've come. It's so easy to get lost in the minutiae and to see the forest for the trees and all that. We focus so much on making things better, focusing on and picking apart all the things we are doing right, we forget and often fail to acknowledge all the things we are doing great! My speech will focus on that.

Anywho, I'm going to run to Marshall's and/or Kohl's to try to find something to wear. God help me!

Hollow Leg

What I ate today:

M1: 2 eggs scrambled with 3 slices of American cheese on a Low Carb tortilla
M2: 2 Mesquite baked chicken legs
M3: 2 slices of cotto salami, 2 oz deli turkey, 1 slice of cheese on Double Fiber wheat bread w/ mustard
M4: 6-7 oz homemade chili
M5: Grilled cheese sandwich on DFW bread
M6: 1 Mesquite backed chicken leg

It's just almost 8 PM and I'm STILL hungry. I know this is the classic indicator of not consistently eating enough -- either that or I have a hollow leg ... Sigh...time to incorporate a shake or two in my routine. I know that's also a lot of cheese, but I am trying to finish up what I have so that it can be done and over with. I have a helluva time moderating my cheese intake, so it's either all or nothing and at this point, it should probably be nothing ESPECIALLY with the constipation I am having with taking so much calcium.

I went shopping at Ross today. I have quite a few social activities over the next 3 days and am way past tired of wearing the same few things over and over. I was mildly successful in that I found a nice blouse, but that's it. I tried on a 14/16 blouse and it fit (yea!) but was too short (bummer). At least I know I can get into 14/16's. Pretty awesome. I tried on two pairs of pants, one a size 18 (fit) and a size 20 (also fit). I just looked weird in them, I think it may be the cut of them, boot cuts that are snug in the thighs, but flare out past the knees. Maybe it's a mental thing, I don't know, but my hips are so much wider than I would like. It sucks. For now, pants-wise, I will stick with what I have until I can trim down some more in my hips. Thanks to Tiffany, I'm set for a good while. The back of my thighs look gnarly too.

I took a good, long hard look at myself in front of a well lit mirror today. Gosh, I look so different than where I started. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me when I least expect it to. I've sort of transitioned into being fairly comfortable in my own body although I do, at times, feel like I'm not as "small" as I am. I remember when I would compare myself to pre-op photos in order to see the big difference, now I could look at photos of myself 6-8 months ago and see a significant change. Craziness...

Today I did something that completely shocked the hell out of me...I jumped up and down on one leg! I inadvertently jammed my left foot in the corner of my kitchen cabinet hard enough that I actually jumped up and down a few hops. It stopped hurting for a few seconds while I realized what I just did. Pretty cool, huh?

Today is also BP's birthday, the big 5-0! Not too much going on tonight, but we're throwing a surprise party Saturday night. Tomorrow is support group meeting and Friday night is our company's 3-year anniversary so we're throwing a company party. Good times.

Month 18

Thank God that month is over, I am happy to see March start and feel like I can start fresh. February had so many ups and down on the DS level and in life in general. My starting weight for the month was 264.0 lbs, the very next day, I weighed in at 265.6 and I've been up and down the same couple of pounds all month, finally ending up a little over at 264.4 lbs which I am fine with given the tumultuous nature of my life the past 3 weeks. According to DS lore, my weight loss window has closed, of course I believe that to be patently false, so the next 6 months present a challenge for me. I am anticipating having a final diagnosis and begin treatment for my hyperprolactinemia in 1-2 weeks. This will hopefully get my hormones in order and start the long process of reducing the tumor. This will also allow me to start losing weight like I have in the past. My goal is a measly 60-70 lbs away, absolutely doable in the next 6 months.

Post-MRI, I feel like a weight has been lifted, it goes to show you the kind of machinations that go on in my head. I actually feel better now that it's over, no small part due to the fact that I actually got a good, restful sleep last night. It was one of the nights where I don't even remember falling asleep and the time between when I pulled the covers up and woke up this morning felt like 10 minutes, instead of the 8.5 hours that it was. This morning I feel refreshed, for a change.

Food and water has been mediocre. I have been getting in my protein, for the most part, but have incorporated cheese, Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat Bread and Dreamfield's pasta into my day to day. All low carb items, but notorious problem-causers for me. I also probably had one or two too many pieces of birthday cake and probably went out to eat and had one or two too many non-DS friendly foods, it was my birthday, afterall, and what a change it was to actually celebrate multiple times with friends and acquaintances! I'm reining all that in for this month as I am really anxious to see what I can do on the scale this month. Addressing the tumor issue should allow me to trust my body and trust that the DS still works well for me.

My hand still hurts from yesterday and there is a visible 1/3 inch scratch from where the technician/nurse was trying to find my vein. When I look at it, it's nowhere near my vein which makes me wonder what the hell she was looking at. Anyway, today is supposed to be sunny and somewhat warm which means I'm fixin' to head out the door in about 15 minutes! Gonna run some errands and later go to the park and play some tennis. I'm supposed to go see either Juno or Vantage Point this afternoon, but haven't decided which. I'm on a Lost kick, so Vantage Point it will probably be.

Not in the cards?

My current BMI is 36.8 which puts me squarely in the obese category.

When I hit the 300 lbs lost mark and weigh 216 lbs, my BMI will be 30.2, still obese.

However, if I lose another 2 lbs after that (weighing in at 214.6 lbs), my BMI will be 29.9 and I will live amongst the overweight.

At my goal weight of 199.0 lbs, my BMI of 27.8 will still make me overweight.

To reach a normal BMI of 24.9, I will need to weigh, 178.8 lbs.

In theory, I would love to be a normal BMI, if only to say, I am normal and know that by this measure, it to be true, but I don't think 178.8 lbs will look good on me nor am I all that convinced that I could get that low. I just don't know, y'know and I won't know until I get close to 200 lbs. I also have to remember that I do have a good bit of excess skin, so I need to somehow not factor that into my calculations, but it's hard not to.

My problem is that I don't know whether I should base my goal on (1) weight, (2) BMI or (3) clothes size. Maybe it should be a combination of all three. Bottom line is that when I reach goal, I don't want to be fat any longer. I don't want to be pudgy, full-figured, plus-sized, thick, voluptuous or any of that. I don't. I don't want a new doctor to tell me I need to lose a few, I don't want any X's, L's or W's in any of my clothes sizes, I don't want any of it. I don't want the "I'm too fat" excuse to be ever used again once I reach goal.

Having said that what number or combination of numbers will get me that? My best bet, I believe is to get to 199 and see what happens. I don't think it serves me well to start wavering on this until I get to that point and see what the landscape looks and feels like.

Anyway, on the 5th day, there was weight gain, not entirely unexpected. I weighed in at 270.2 lbs this morning. Thank you, Provera. Thankfully, I took the last pill yesterday so hopefully my weight will return back to normal soon. I've also given myself a kick in the butt. I have been getting lax with my eating lately which is not good, I'm finding it hard to get back to my old "strict" self and even harder to maintain that level. Part of the problem is that I've become accustomed to drinking flavored water which triggers my sweet tooth which compels me to eat sweet, not so DS-friendly things. I have also had my fair share of cheese and Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread. I swear, this stuff must be laced with crack, because I keep coming back to it. Truth is, the cheese and bread add much needed variety, but my body just doesn't handle it well when I want to be in super weight loss mode.

Today, I start fresh and we'll see how things go. The goal is to eat as clean as possible, get in at least 150 grams of protein and a gallon of water, keep the carbs low, between 30-50 grams.

I run again today and I'm convinced this whole running thing would be 1000% times easier if I weighed like 50 lbs less. My stamina is good, it's just I feel like I'm too heavy to do it consistently. I think I need to add some low impact cardio work to my daily routine, probably just get on my recumbent bike for 1/2 an hour every day to boost my metabolism.

So more bad news, this time on the family front. My sister called me yesterday to tell me my nephew's wife's brother past away suddenly. He was only 34 years old. So sad. He was diabetic (Type I) and was in mediocre, if not poor, health. He was tall, lanky, pale and perpetually sickly looking and he didn't take care of himself. He ate poorly, drank excessively, smoked weed and never exercised. It is so sad. I've only met Lewis a few times in my life but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, kinda quiet. I won't be going home for the funeral, but will send my condolences.

Yet another reason to feel obligated to take the best care of myself as possible.