Hmmmmmm.....

So it's been about two weeks since I've been eating really well and getting more exercise and strangely enough, I've been hovering very, very close to 249 lbs the entire time, at best I've been fluctuating between the same roughly pound and a half. Now, I've been averaging 130-150g of protein throughout this whole time, drinking my water and exercising at least 1/2 an hour a day. I'm retaining a good bit of water as I can always tell when I do and I can especially feel it in my extremities. Now the question is, what to do now...

I wanted to lose 25 lbs this month, but not sure that is going to happen if I stay the current course. I know what the problem is and I know how to fix it, but I am kinda tempted to keep my protein as is to see if things resolve themselves... or ... I can say screw it, up my protein and just do what I gotta do til the end of the year to get the weight off and just make sure I get in more than enough water (which ain't easy).... I'm more interested in being done than being "right" so, up my protein it is. I will start today and by mid-week next week I should know where I stand.

I had an unanticipated late night last night, I had to be up at midnight because the network folks were going to test the data center's UPS. So if a catastrophe happened and everything went down, I had to be around to get the frantic phone call so that I could panic and try to get things back up and/or start calling all kinds of other folks to help things get back up and running. Luckily, nothing happened and I was knocked out by 1:15 AM. Fun stuff.

This weekend I'm gonna finalize my exercise plans, probably a mix of tennis lessons and the gym, but I'm still torn about whether to use the gym at work or one closer to home. I'm fixin' to head out to a couple of different places in my neighborhood, including the Y and then make my decision. The gym at work is the most convenient, but I'd have to go after work which means I'd have to take the transit home kinda stinky...I have a phobia about using gym showers, totally icks me out...

One of the most frequent comments/questions I hear when people see that I’ve lost a lot of weight is along the lines of “You must feel so much better” or “don’t you feel so much better”. Typically, I respond with a mildly enthusiastic “hell, yeah” with just a hint of “duh”. I usually don’t think too much about it later, but today one lady said this comment to me in a tone that just totally rubbed me the wrong way, almost like I unwittingly validated her personal deep-seeded disgust of overweight people, almost like I gave her future ammunition to say “I told you so” to somebody. Ugh…kinda made me want to her the evil eye or something….

Anyway, work is getting crazy, but in a good way. I’m working on a sports related site that has a lot going on in the next several weeks. The parallel that I would draw here is if I was working for NBC and it was a month before the Olympics and I was one of the web developers for the Olympics website. It’s kinda like that, it’s a high profile website, with a very wide reach and the entire team is working hard to get everything ready for our biggest time of the season. Good stuff. We had a meeting today with about 10 people from different departments and we were all trying to problem solve a few issues and it was just so awesome to be in that kind of environment with a lot of smart, capable, normal people brainstorming trying to come up with a good plan of action. I totally dug it. I really missed that kind of thing working at my company. Just another confirmation that I did the right thing in leaving. This week is going to be busy though as I have several streaming video projects that I have to knock out in the next 6 days. It’s also such a confidence booster that I am entrusted to come up with a viable solution and get it implemented. I don’t want to let the team down and want to come up with an innovative solution so this will definitely be consuming a lot of my intellectual energy. I love it.

Last week I sent off for a few brochures for Executive Certificate programs at MIT, Emory, Harvard, Notre Dame and Cornell. I’m thinking about pursuing one maybe next fall. With the extra money I am making now, I should be able to have saved enough money to pay for a good chunk of the cost for one of these programs. For the longest time I swore off more school, but I don’t want to be a developer forever, I do like getting my hands dirty, but I like to think of myself as more of a creative/idea type of person so I’d like to try to find a program so that eventually I can either join a company or start my own where I can find a role that suits all my strengths. I’m just looking for now, but I need to start thinking longer term.

Have y’all been watching the Olympics? Good grief, I love this stuff and it’s not that I am just rooting for the Americans, there are so many compelling stories all the way around. Like the South Korean swimmer who redeemed himself after he got disqualified as a 14 year old four years ago. Or the Chinese male gymnast who spoke so passionately about bearing the burden of an entire country on his shoulders after the men’s team stumbled at the last Olympics. Or the three American women who swept all three medals in fencing. Or Dara Torres who is one of the fastest swimmers at the age of 41 – she is kicking butt, by the way. Or Michael Phelps who’s trying for 8 gold medals – did you see the 4 x 100 medley race from earlier today? There are so many folks to cheer for from all over, it’s so exciting!

For some strange reason I weighed in at 249.2 lbs this morning. Actually, I do know why, the big C (been pooping all day though...TMI, yes, I know). Sigh. Enough already! I went back over my last labs more thoroughly today and I think I will keep my protein in the 120-150g range during the week and maybe let it creep up over the weekend, this should take some of the pressure off my kidneys, but prevent the edema that I’m prone to. I’d rather retain the water now than have to have a freakin’ kidney transplant 30 years from now. Hells no! I don’t want any kidney damage. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Anyway, food was good, water was good, fixin’ to hop on my stationary bike while I watch some Olympics coverage. I swear, it’s like crack…

Speed of Light

Time is freakin' flyin' by. Working at my new gig is keeping me busy, but I am enjoying myself immensely. It's just a nice, much needed change of pace, plus the boost in moolah doesn't hurt either. I'm planning to put much of the extra money away as I know some day I'll need plastics done and want to be at least prepared for that, plus I want to take a European trip next year at some point. I haven't been to Europe in my adulthood so it's something I am very much looking forward to.

I had a good conversation with Kim this afternoon, a much needed one I must admit. She's always there to challenge me to push myself, especially when it's obvious I've been settling into old, bad or lazy habits. The last few months have seen my zest for weight loss slowing declining. You can clearly see that in my blog posts. It wasn't intentional, but as I've become more and more comfortable in my skin, am able to do more, I've come to really be lax about it all. To be honest, I've felt like I could lose maybe 25-30 more lbs and be done, settling in at 216 and calling it all a success. I think that thinking was largely flawed because I didn't take the long term into account. If and when I decide to get plastics, I need to be under 200 lbs, I need to be in the best shape possible, and at 216 lbs, that's may not be the case.

My initial goal when I first got my surgery was 175 lbs, over time it's gone to 185, to 199.8 to 216 and now I've even entertained thoughts that I was just about done where I'm currently at. The truth is, I need to get down to the 180's at least. I need to do it. I need to buckle down, get my food and water back on the right track and I need to exercise more. I need to do this. I have to do this. I don't necessarily want to do the work required, but here's the thing, and Kim is right, I didn't pay $16,000 to end up still obese. I didn't go to Brazil, risk my life having this surgery to end up weighing 240 lbs. Not after all that. I need finish what I started and not settle for almost getting there. I am almost there, it's home stretch time, I only have 60-70 more lbs to lose and I will be there. If I put my head down and get serious and focused like I know I can, I can be done by the end of the year, I could celebrate New Year's weighing 180 lbs.

I can't stop now. I can't stop at 240 and two years from now have a 20 lbs bounce back and weigh in the 260's. Hell, if I let my protein slip for an extended period of time, it's easy for me to pop into the 260's, God only knows what would happen if I really let things slip. I'd be way too close to 300 lbs for my own good. That's enough to scare me straight.

Starting today, I'm going all out Atkin's, baby! No cheese, no wheat, nothing to drink but water. Food as fuel, food as fuel. I'm going to get my 160g of protein in a day, less than 30g of carbs and a gallon of ice cold water. I am going to exercise for one hour a day -- tennis, riding my stationary bike, walking or dare I say, running. There is a gym at work and another one five minutes from my house. One of those will have to do.

My overriding desire is to be done already, but instead of settling at where I am and really biding my time til regret shows up, I'm gonna buckle down and get the job done by the end of the year. The sooner I get to my ultimate goal, the sooner I can truly put the weight loss part of my life behind me. I've been listening too much to my family members who think I've lost enough weight.

Anyway, I will be tracking my food here at least through the month. My crazy, insane goal is to lose 25 lbs by September 2nd. I know, I know, but I need to set the bar high to really push myself. I haven't pushed myself in a long time, I need to have that feeling. I will let you know how it goes!

My reward, besides "normalcy" and great health, will be a new Macbook Pro and/or a new flat screen TV. Yea!

Looking & feeling good!

First, congrats to Kim on celebrating her 3 year surgiversary! Woo-hoo! Kim, you are my role model and you kicketh much ass! Love ya girl!

Second, allow me a moment of vanity.... sometimes I just have to celebrate stuff like this because I hardly ever, EVER felt this way pre-surgery, but, y'all, I totally looked cute today! I had a cute outfit on, my hair didn't rebel against me and most importantly, I felt fantastic. Not having to deal with BP and her madness is doing wonders for me. See:This is me at my contract gig. I am wearing a blouse I bought on sale from Lane Bryant, it's a freakin' 14/16 AND it's a little baggy round the midsection! The pants I was wearing were 18's. Boggles the mind.... If I had enough sense I would have taken a full body photo. I also had the hair going right for a change, awesomeness! It was just a great day overall.

Tomorrow, I am ditching work (they knew ahead of time) and heading to Six Flags with some folks from my Duodenal Switch Support Group! I am both scared and excited! I'm looking forward to scratching this off my list of "stuff I want to do when I lose the weight" and what makes this especially cool is that I'll be there with my fellow WLS folk. I can't think of a better group to do this with. I know they will be having many, if not all, of the same feelings I will having tomorrow. I can't wait!

Happy?

I know I've been incognito as of late, but it's for a good reason. The long and short of it is that I decided to walk away from my business and specifically my business partner. I probably don't have to go into all the reasons why, if you've read my blog in the last 2+ years, you'll understand why. I really and truly credit my DS for this decision. It has given me so much more confidence in myself and it's been a gradual thing, slowly growing over the last 18 months or so in such a way that I've remained true myself, but have found the courage to really start making real changes in order to attain the kind of life that I want. The past two months I had a growing sense of displeasure with my company and working with my business partner. All the things, throughout the past three years that bothered me started to come back in mind, how I never got my own computer computer while BP was on her 3rd, how she talked down to me and made me question myself, how she is taking home close to twice as much as me, how she made me feel guilty about any good thing in my life, on and on and on.

For a long time, I looked at the situation as something I just had to endure, almost like I had a new set of dues to pay or that there was some important lesson I was supposed to learn so I had to figure out a way to get through it. In many ways it was an emotionally abusive relationship that I could not see my way clear out of. It wasn't until I approached my sister about joining the staff that things started to become clearer. She, being new and coming into it with fresh eyes and ears, was astounded at the kind of person BP was and one day she asked me a question that I will never forget and I believe it was divine intervention that she asked me: Are you happy? I couldn't answer that question, well, not true. I could answer the question, but I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something about working with BP that made me sincerely happy. Not one thing came to mind. She then asked: Do you honestly see a point in the future when things will be better? Not pie in the sky dreams and ambitions, but do you see your working relationship with BP getting better? The answer was no and that was pretty much it. I knew what I had to do. After a few hours of venting 3 years of pent up frustrations and resentment, I made the decision that I was going to call it quits and within 2 days, I packed up my stuff and left my letter of resignation on BP's dining room table. Within 15 minutes she had left me a vitriolic voicemail accusing me of playing games, threatening me with legal action and my personal favorite, claiming I couldn't leave because of "all that she had done for me" and that I owned her. To say I was incredulous is an understatement. The first few days afterwards, I was somewhat of a wreck which was why I decided to run the Peachtree Road Race, I knew if I could do it and do better than I had previously done, it would make me feel so much better, not to mention the fact that I could put all the drama aside and just focus on not keeling over at the side of the road and actually just finishing the race.

I also got an interesting phone call from one of the shareholders who happens to be BP's sister imploring me that I couldn't leave, that she (along with maybe a couple other shareholders) had talked earlier that day and were planning on coming down to Atlanta to either (1) talk BP into taking a break and allowing more level-headed and normal people to take the reins and/or (2) put the chic on some Prozac or something. I told her that the same old crap wasn't going to work for me at all. I should note that this is the same person who convinced me to come back the last time. She said to give her a chance to come in town and talk to BP about this whole situation and that drastic changes needed to be made in order to save the company. She also expressed that I was the backbone of the company, there wouldn't be a company without me, etc., etc., blah blah blah and pleaded with me to provide minimal support to the staff through July and attend a meeting at the end of the month when she gets in town at which point she'll confront BP about all that is wrong. I reluctantly agreed. I did feel a little bad about ditching them with no technical support so I didn't have a problem playing that role while they tried to find someone else. During the past few days however, I've admittedly been back and forth about leaving and going. I was smart enough to start a contract position this past Monday that I really like. It's much more money, in a much friendlier and professional environment and I don't have to work all day and night. I get to dress up (“business casual” casual) and work with people that are intelligent, articulate, friendly and just plain cool. I get to drink limitless cups of gourmet coffee with Splenda from the break room and buy stir fry or Cuban sandwiches from the cafeteria. I have a name badge. I like it a lot.

What I see now is that the only way I could go back is if BP wasn't there. It would have to be a "me or her" kind of thing and unless BP kicks the bucket, it's just not going to work. There is nothing that can be said by her or any of the shareholders that will change my mind. I realized this just last night after yet again, going back and forth about what I wanted to do. I finally realized that I was kidding myself if I ever thought it could ever work out, even if she was on high doses of some kind of mood-stabilizing drug. It just could not work and frankly, I just don't want to do it anymore. I just don't. The damage is done, that part of my life is just about over, there is more in the world and in this life for me to do. It took me a week, but I am finally at peace about it, in fact, I found myself nearly giddy and absolutely beaming. When I first made the decision, I didn't feel that way, but now I do. This is what "I'm so done" feels like. I will still meet with the shareholders at the end of the month, but instead of letting them know what it will take to bring me back, I will say my final cya's. As of August 1, 2008, I will be done with that chapter of my life with already a good headstart on the next. I'm absolutely excited about it. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, it's good enough for me to know that I will not be in the same depressing and toxic situation ever again.

So, that's probably the last of that you'll hear from me about that subject unless something interesting happens between now and the end of the month. Anyway, I ordered a DVD of my Peachtree Road Race photos. They totally crack me up, by the way. I never see action shots of myself and to see that I'm not much bigger than some of the folks I'm "running" with is just amazing!

Moving on...

There have been so many positives in my life since I had my DS that it is impossible to keep count. This past week I truly became cognizant of one in particular, that of inner strength. I made a really "tough" decision this past week that I am going to execute this week. It's one that has been tugging at me for over a year and because of a myriad of things, I couldn't see the truth in a particular situation that I now do. It's not because I'm skinnier that I see it, it's because I've grown emotionally and have developed a stronger sense of self that I can now see myself and my life in a much more positive light and so must make some difficult decisions and do some things that I honestly would not have done had I not had my surgery. Life is funny and life is hard, but life is also filled with so much potential to be happy, but it sometimes requires going through some crap to get there. I won't be able to talk much about it until it's all said and done, but I will say that I am done with the crap and it's now time to move on to better things. I am reminded of that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Tim Robbin's character has to literally crawl through 1/2 a mile of shit to come clean on the other side, that's how I feel right now. I'm crawling through my last hundred yards and when I can see the sky and feel the cool breeze on the other side, I'll know that my life will instantly be better.

It's exciting stuff, y'all, exciting and scary at the same time. If I haven't said it lately, I love my DS!

Just as I thought...

... coming home has been rough. I haven't much been in the mood for much of anything lately and work has been a pain in the ass. I was looking forward to my tennis lesson yesterday, but it got canceled because of the holiday, so I opted to watch a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon on my couch. Yes, exciting stuff. I plan to go out today and actually be social, maybe head out to the park and hit some tennis balls.

I haven't much felt like blogging, at times I feel like there is too much ground to cover, but mostly I feel like there isn't much to say. I almost feel like I need to hit the reset button to get things, my routine, my life going again. I did go out and actually enjoyed myself Saturday afternoon, a little retail therapy never hurts! I mostly bought things for the house, some new rugs, some artwork, etc. It was fun and nice to get out and get my mind off of things. I came home afterwards and started on decluttering my house even more. After a few hours of that I have seven bags of stuff that I took to Goodwill with the promise of even more. Expunging that crap is somewhat liberating.

I love my DS, it's truly an amazing thing. I've been eating like total crap lately, like for the past several weeks and still I get smaller although the scale isn't so kind. I'm not too worried. I'm essentially at my doctor's goal and could stop losing weight and be considered a rousing success. I have different ambitions, of course, I'm looking to lose around 50-60 more by the end of the year which I think is more than doable. I found a pair of 16's that I snagged a couple months ago from a friend at support group who had brought in a lot of her old clothes. I can't get them past my hips, when I can and they actually look good and I can breathe in them, I'd seriously consider myself done.

There is a big shin-dig this Thursday night that I am very much looking forward to. It's a gathering of internet/web creative types with cocktails and such. I should see a lot of my old colleagues, folks I haven't seen in years, it'll be nice to see their reactions. Hopefully, I'll meet some interesting people with interesting things to say and hopefully I can look cute! I'm sure I will!

Happy Memorial Day, y'all! Much love to all the veterans, soldiers and their families! I'm an Army brat so I certainly understand what Memorial Day is all about. Much love to my dad today! He served a tour in Korea and three tours in Vietnam, he's gotten several commendations, a Purple Heart and 2 or 3 Bronze Stars. Today, I know he remembers the friends he's lost in both those wars and I'm sure it ain't easy.

Anywho, gonna get some work done this AM and then get the heck out of here! I advise all of y'all to head out and get some sun as well!

Gracias

Gosh. Your comments from my "dress" post the other day definitely lifted my spirits and I feel so much better today. I really, really appreciate the love, y'all have no idea how much! I'm one of those types that gets lost in the numbers and have often given more meaning to things like weight or size moreso than how I feel and look. It hit me last night that I, Tia, actually bought two dresses without being under duress. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't worn a dress in 15-20 years. For so long I felt like a giant asexual blob. It was a rare, rare moment when I've felt dainty or girly or even pretty. Now I've been known to have a good hair day here and there, but to feel womanly, with curves and feel attractive, I can't even remember the last time and do I dare admit to having NEVER felt that way? I have my first opportunity to wear one of my dresses in a social setting next weekend for a birthday celebration at an Atlanta club. It should be fun!

Thank God for Zyrtec because it is the only drug that seems to be working. I almost feel normal now, no more runny nose, I still have some chest congestion and some lingering pressure in my ears. My biggest problem now is that my sense of smell and my sense of taste are still out of whack. I can only really taste and smell things if they have a really strong flavor or odor. I'm still trying to nurse as many hot beverages as I can and my appetite returned with a vengeance yesterday which is good because I have really bad edema from poor protein nutrition, not only from the week I've been sick, but from when I was in Texas as well. Not good, so I'm working on getting in over 200 grams or more a day (mostly from protein shakes). I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend.

Tomorrow and Saturday I have to attend a trade show. Boring. The only good thing is that they have a couple of auctions where based on the sales your company did the previous year, you get "Trade Show Dollars" and can get some cool stuff. I'm hoping to walk away with at least something worthwhile. I expect there will be a few employees from my previous company, that should be interesting...I can't recall if I went last year or not, I think I did, but I'm not sure I ran into anyone or else it might have actually stuck in my brain. Oh well. Interesting note. BP, our company CEO is not going. Why? She says she's got too much work to do. Reality is that she feels embarrassed by all the weight she has gained. How do I know this? Because she makes comments about how "fat" she's gotten about 5 times a day and I know how much appearance means to her. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about that. I certainly have sucked it up many a time and gone places I sure as hell didn't want to go because of my size, but I completely understand her feelings and I respect the fact that every individual's struggle with their self-image is their uniquely their own. It doesn't matter to me what she does either way I just think it's interesting. I suspect she keeps complaining about her weight to me because she believes if anyone would understand, I would. Intellectually, I understand it, emotionally, I haven't worked it all out yet.

I got the hollow leg thing going on today. I've been eating since I got up this morning, too bad I can't any taste any of it...I'm sure some of it is pretty damn good.

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

I have found the secret to DS success -- switch things up! From here on out, I am going to eat higher calories/protein for 7-10 days (2800+ calories, 240+ grams protein) then change to lower calories/protein for 7-10 days (2000 calories, 150 grams protein). This seems to be the way to go for me. The few days I've been eating more, hunger hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've finally started losing weight again....down to 256.2 lbs this morning with a grand total loss of 260.4 lbs! Slowly, but surely.

Support Group last night was pretty good, the speaker was boring, but it was fun to see all my DS and WLS homies, always a pleasure. A few of us will be running the Peachtree Road Race in July so that leaves us like 3.5 months to train. Speaking of, I check my bank account today and the PTRR committee has already cashed my check, translation -- I'M IN!!!! Woo-hoo!!! That race is going to kick my ass, but I am going to try my best. I've been slacking on the running lately, opting instead to focus on tennis which I enjoy 100 times more. Running sucks and it's hard, I'm happy that I can physically run, but it's not fun ... at all ... not even a little bit. Oh well, after July 4th, I'm probably done with running although I may do the same 10K in September that I did last year, just to improve on my abysmal results of coming in next to last! My big focus is joining my first tennis team sometime this summer and I have a LONG way to go before that...I haven't even learned how to serve yet!

Tonight is my company's anniversary dinner/party and I've decided to write a little speech. I know I bitch and moan about the business a lot, but besides the DS (and post-op life), it's by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm proud of my company and how far we've come. It's so easy to get lost in the minutiae and to see the forest for the trees and all that. We focus so much on making things better, focusing on and picking apart all the things we are doing right, we forget and often fail to acknowledge all the things we are doing great! My speech will focus on that.

Anywho, I'm going to run to Marshall's and/or Kohl's to try to find something to wear. God help me!

Later!

Lots of running around today. I have a staff meeting at noon which means I have to be out of here around 11 AM in order to be there with enough time for prep. We are meeting one of our vendor reps, our favorite vendor in fact, and they are going to do a demo/walk-through of sorts of some new technology they've implemented. Then it's down to the nitty-gritty business related stuff and that'll take a couple of hours. After that, I am going to try to sneak in a nap, for some strange reason fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks, along with a headache, around nine o'clock last night so I took a couple of Tylenol's and went to bed. By 4:30 this morning, I was wide awake and have been working since then. After my nap, I have to train an employee on some new functionality I built (woo-hoo!) and hopefully roll it out late this afternoon. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can sneak in an hour of tennis before dinner, then I have a quick conference call with the company's shareholders and hopefully it won't take forever 'cause Lost will be on promptly at 9 PM.

One thing I don't think I have mentioned before about my company is that it is almost entirely comprised of women. We've had exactly 3 men work for us in the history of the business (and only one currently) which I think is kinda cool. It wasn't intentional, it just turned out that way. It's something I am proud of though, a technology company almost completely run by women. Many of our investors and advisers are men, but for the most part we are a mostly-female crew. We have our moments, for sure, but that has been the case for every company I've ever worked for.

I don't know if it because I got up earlier than normal today and thus had more time to clear the plumbing, but my final weight this morning was 259.2 lbs! Holy Mother! Pretty awesome! I think I must have been stalled or maybe I'm shedding pounds as I shed the stress of the last few weeks. At this point, I don't care, every lb loss is one lb closer to goal aka The Promised Land. Buh-bye 260's! Nice knowing ya!

Times like these remind me of a poem a friend sent to me once (in old Black Southern vernacular):

Good Lawd sends me troubles
And I gots to work 'em out
Then I luk around an see
Theres troubles all abouts
An when I se my troubles
I jes luk up an grin
To think of all the troubles
Dat I aint in!

Month 17 ... and other stuff

Well, I've had an interesting couple of days. That might be the understatement of the year. First, the whole situation with our Employee #2 seems to be resolves. Long story, he reacted poorly due to some tragic news he had just received and completely over-reacted in the midst of him trying to deal with the bad news. He apologized to Employee #1 as well as to me. I accepted his apology but stressed the need to try to step away and give himself a minute to calm down. I also communicated to the entire staff, in no uncertain terms, that I better not hear or read or catch wind of any more unprofessional behavior. I think for now, that is sufficient. Thank God it's Friday, I truly need a break.

On to more important things. This was an interesting month in my DS life and one that I can easily say I enjoyed, moreso than the last couple. This month was all about exercise and discovering the joy of tennis. The month started off with my Couch to 5K training and I was and still am amazed at my ability to run. It boggles the mind. When I first started walking at the end of 2006, I mentioned the fact that I hated getting lapped my little old ladies, well not anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I actually ran past people walking. It was such a thrill! Typically, there aren't a whole lot of people out there braving the cold and wind so the opportunity to lap folks has been infrequent, that's definitely part of the reason, but to actually pass someone after spending my whole having people pass me by is just incredible! As running gets more and more difficult, I also see improvements in myself, when I first could barely run for 60 straight seconds, I can now run 3 minutes without bursting a lung. I know if I keep at it, I'll be able to reach my goal of running a 5K.

Then there was tennis. I love tennis. I'm flabbergasted at how much I like it. I have very little interest in it pre-surgery. I think maybe it's because of the physicality involved and the opportunity it affords me to move around in space like I don't recall ever doing. I sweat more in one hour of tennis practice than training for the 5K. Also, I don't like sucking at things, especially things I've committed myself to doing. Yesterday I spent an hour practicing my forehand and had to force myself to pack up my stuff and go back home, I could have stayed out there for hours, but there was work to be done. I know I am a good year or so away from being a decent tennis player and I know there's a long road of suckitude and mediocrity ahead, but I know that I'll get there with hard work and lots and lots of practice.

Weight-wise, although I hadn't lost the 15 lbs I was hoping for, I did lose 7 lbs total, but lost roughly 12 lbs of body fat and gained roughly 5 lbs of muscle. I can definitely be happy with that. I do feel stronger, especially in my legs and thighs. which I love. My current weight is a steady 264.0 lbs, down from 516.6 lbs for a total loss of 252.6 lbs in 17 months.

I do find myself more and more anxious to be done with all the weight loss already. As I am never content nor comfortable with my nutrition/supplementation, I am always looking for the problem areas and one seems to pop up every now and again and that is the issue of not eating enough. For me, consuming more than say, 1800 calories, requires effort. I can easily get that amount of food in through the course of the day without thinking about it. Problem is that 1800 calories is nowhere near enough for me. I need to be getting upwards of 2500+ calories a day, probably well over 3000 with the amount of exercise I do. It's still a foreign concept to me and one that I haven't fully embraced -- that of eating more to lose. We've been down this road at least 5 or 6 times over the last 17 months and still I have to step back and remind myself that I need to freakin' eat.

These last several months have been rough though. I haven't lost the weight I have wanted to lose and part of me thinks it might be related to the Protonix I am taking. I have read some anecdotal evidence that PPI's can cause weight gain and my weight loss slow down seems to have started soon after I got on the Protonix at the beginning of August. Since August 1st, I have only lost about 44 lbs, 44 in 6 months. That is way below my average of around 14-17 lbs per month. My other worry is that maybe my estrogen levels are low. Low estrogen has been associated with weight gain, as has been the direct opposite. Maybe I'm reaching here, but I just want to know that there aren't any factors working against me. I know I am getting smaller as I can wear things now that I couldn't merely a month ago, it's just that the scale continues to frustrate the heck out of me. I miss those days when on average I would lose 0.2 - 0.8 lbs a day, hell, even if it went up, it was temporary and it would eventually go right back down. If nothing else, I covet consistency. Anyway, on Monday, I have the dreaded GYN appointment. I am sooooo not looking forward to it, but it must be done. Hopefully all will be well.

It's all the things I can't implicitly control that give me grief, so many other factors to consider like the exercise and increase in muscle I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I wish things could be more formulaic. Do X, get Y. That would be sublime, but such is not the case, at least not in any simple sense. Maybe the solution (goal weight) is a far more complex equation and maybe I don't have all the knowledge, skills and discipline to figure all out just yet...YET. What's interesting though, you would think that I'd find myself more and more content with a more "lenient" goal weight, but truthfully, it makes me want to see that normal BMI more and more. I guess this is a long-winded way for me to say I'm impatient, damnit! LOL.

Tomorrow morning I have a tennis lesson, then I am going to try to get a little shopping done. The rest of the day will be relaxing. Sunday is all about the Super Bowl. For the record, I am rooting for the Giants, gotta root for the underdog, right?

Sigh...

Okay survey time. I really want to hear your responses on this one, because I want to know if the way I feel about this issue is inline with most rational, professional people.

Employee #1 sent this email to Employee #2:

Employee #2,

Per Supervisor #1's email...I thought that we couldn't change a person's name on quotes anymore? Please explain if I am wrong.

Thanks,
Employee #1

Employee #2 sends the following to Employee #1:

Employee #1,

You will excuse my French but I don’t have time for this shit. I do not cheat and understand the rules. You may not like my answer and I’m sorry for that. I’m getting very frustrated where nobody can understand simple procedures and now start questioning my work and my credibility.

I’ve copied Supervisor #1 and Supervisor #2 on this, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask them.

This is the crap I have to deal with in my own company. This is what happens when there are too many friends and family members in a small business. Employee #2 is a sales team member and just happens to be husband to my business partner. I swear to God above, some days I just want to walk away from this. How is that some people just do not know how to act? Someone please tell me how this is at all appropriate? I promise you, I DO NOT get it....

Poop and run

TMI-time. Lately I've been paranoid that I'm not getting enough Calcium. I think it's because I am really afraid of breaking a bone or otherwise injuring myself while I'm doing all this exercise. The last thing I need is to be out of commission so I've been taking up to 1000mg more a day above my 2000mg minimum. The problem is that I also take my iron twice a day, both constipation-making machines. Obviously one thing I'm not going to do is stop taking the extra Calcium or iron, but I'm trying to figure out what my other options are because I DO NOT want to ride the 'rhoid train. I can either start taking a stool softener or I can start taking a fiber supplement. I think for now, I'll go with a nightly stool softener, I think, and we'll see how it goes. My weight this morning was 271.0 lbs. Hopefully things will get moving again. I hate feeling constipated, it's hard to feel healthy.

I've been letting my protein slip a little bit which is not good. It's been in the 120-140g per day range instead of upwards of 200g. I think one of my big mistakes has been drinking water with my supplements instead of a protein shake so that's gonna change. I don't really like them during the day, it's either first "meal" of the day or the very last and so if I don't end of drinking one first thing in the morning, then I sometimes don't get around to it.

Tomorrow I officially start my Couch to 5K training, I'm pretty excited. I'm opting to run at lunchtime instead of early morning as I don't really want to be getting up at 5 AM. I downloaded these Couch to 5K Podcasts to my iPod so that I will know when to run/walk. Not my favorite kind of music, but it'll do until I can figure out how to do my own. Ok, so the whole exercise plan is as follows (at least for the first few weeks):

Monday: Couch to 5K training
Tuesday: OPEN
Wednesday: Couch to 5K training
Thursday: Tennis Lessons
Friday: Couch to 5K training
Saturday: OPEN
Sunday: OPEN

"OPEN" days are days where I could go to the Y or just go for a walk or maybe go play tennis or something. These allow me some variety so that I won't get bored.

Today, I'm going to continue with The Great Purge and try to wrap up a few loose ends with work stuff. We have a new employee starting tomorrow which I am very excited about. We are basically hiring her in order to get rid of one of the slackers. The next couple of months should be interesting on that front.

Yeah, well, time for food. I'm starving!

BP & BP

Well, a marathon meeting it was. I got to BP's house around 11:30 AM and didn't leave til close to 9:30 PM. The general staff meeting itself was relatively short, maybe an hour, actually it wasn't much of a meeting. I didn't realize BP was planning a sort of mini-Christmas Party so there were a few decorations around and some "party" food. I, like a good DSer, did bring my food, a protein shake, some chicken wings and some pork ribs so I was good to go, or so I thought. BP made these little pizzas that were pretty good, she made cut English muffins in 1/2, then piled each half with about 1/2 - 3/4 cup of a really meaty pasta sauce and a slice each of provolone and mozzarella cheeses. When I first got there, I just had a bowl of the meat sauce because I was starving. A little while later, I had one figuring the carb count was probably only around 10-15 carbs and man, it was delicious. I had one more a few hours later and another bowl of meat sauce a little while after that. Closer to eight o'clock, I had about 4-5 oz of my pork ribs and I also had a couple of SF jello snacks mixed in throughout that time as well. She also had an array of Christmas treats -- cupcakes, candy, etc., but I didn't have any of that although I do have to say that the cupcakes looked tempting, but I could almost taste the "too sweetness" and it kind of made it easier to ignore (not to mention the fact that I want to be good until X-Mas dinner). I've mentioned that I definitely take after my mother and have a wicked sweet tooth, but post-DS even though I do sometimes crave sweet foods, they often disappoint because they just seem about 50% sweeter than what I remember and often are too sweet for me to really enjoy which is good because the less sugar and white stuff in my life, the better. I wish I could say I ate perfectly, but I think when confronted will kinds of options, I'm glad to have made some good, although not perfect decisions. When I plugged everything into Fitday, I still came in sub 50 grams of carbs for the day and that is definitely within limits. I didn't drink a gallon of water yesterday, more like 64 oz which isn't too bad.

The meeting itself was good, we talked about our company top down and I feel really good about our direction. I really feel that this is the year that we truly break out and I'm excited about it. It's 5:00 in the morning and just thinking about it caused me to wake up early. No big deal, it's exciting stuff so I don't mind.

BP also has a blood pressure gadget. She bought it because she was convinced the stress of running a company coupled with the drama of what was transpiring between her husband and his ex-wife and the whole custody nightmare was going to slowly kill her. I took my blood pressure twice last night to see if the diuretics were causing my previous good readings and a couple things of note. One, the regular-sized cuff fit my arm! Woo-hoo! No extra large cuffs for me anymore! Two, the first reading was 104/72 and the second was 102/78. How awesome is that. I'll be conservative and say that I should definitely be off the meds by the end of the first quarter. Gosh, I am so excited about that! Third, my heart rate is back up to around 50-55 bpm. It was around 40-45 a few months ago which made me a little uneasy, but this range makes me much more comfortable.

Overall, a very good day yesterday, the blood pressure readings just thrill me to tears, I can't wait to see my PCP in a couple of weeks. Today is going to be a little busy. I have some work I have to knock out this morning and early afternoon then it's off to have dinner with some friends and then we're going to go see I Am Legend. I won movie tickets at my support group meeting so why not get out there with the rest of humanity during this crazy weekend. I'm hoping we go to this really good seafood place close to the movie theater instead of the Italian restaurant that someone mentioned when we were discussing plans. It's much easier to order from there than from pasta central. I'm looking forward to some well-cooked shrimp and scallops. Yum.

I keep going back to that wonderful conversation I had with my cousin last weekend, I'm starting to realize, more and more, what a great blessing that was. One of the things she told me to do was to stay busy. Fill my life with things I enjoy to do, don't spend a great deal of time alone doing nothing. Such great advice. Metro Atlanta is a great area and although I do have one or two specific passions, a lot of things interest me so why not take advantage. What my cousin did was take a few classes, I think she mentioned flower arranging and something else, I forget what, but they were things she enjoyed in and of themselves, the social aspect of it was secondary. Definitely something else to mull over as I try to make positive changes in life.

Support Group Meeting/Running

The day didn't start off great yesterday, but it sure ended well. Support group was awesome, as usual. Y'know what the best kind of holiday party to attend is? A weight loss surgery support group holiday party. Why? Because all the food is WLS friendly! There was so much of it, but I mostly stuck to meats, roasted pork w/ onions & apple, spicy chicken wings, sweet & sour chicken (I think), salami, yum. I was all about the protein so I only had tastes of a cinnamon/splenda bar, a low-fat, low sugar cheesecake and the banana pudding for posterity. I got the recipe for the cheesecake, it was great and I'm not a big cheesecake fan.

I also signed myself up to volunteer for the Walk from Obesity planning committee. For some reason I thought I missed the whole thing when I went to Barbados, but I guess not. I also volunteered to be the group's photographer, especially for the newsletter. God knows you don't have to ask me twice when it comes to photography. Good stuff.

Well, today is going to be busy. I am meeting with my business partner and our head of Customer Service/Sales to go over our 2008 Initiatives. Can you say marathon meeting? We have our weekly staff meeting at noon and then the three of us are going to stash ourselves away for the next several hours to go through all our ideas, goals, hopes and wished for the next 12 months. I am actually looking forward to it as it is the most interesting part of the business for me right now. Since I'll be out of my daily routine, I am being safe and taking my food with me for the day, I don't want to be caught without good food to eat.

I weighed in at 277.0 lbs this morning, down 1.2 lbs from yesterday and just 5.0 lbs more to go. This weekend I think I am going to go and get fitted for some proper running shoes. I saw Beth last night at support group, she's my running mentor and told her about my Peachtree Road Race goal. I know Kim will be running and maybe a couple other folks as well. I will be following a Couch to 5K plan of some sort and can hopefully expand it so that I can feasibly run a 10K by July.

Alrighty then, I'm out of here!

Some number crunching

Starting Weight: 516.6 lbs.
Surgery Weight: 510 lbs.
Current Weight: 272 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: 244.6 lbs
% Body Weight Loss: 47.3%
% EWL (Surgeon's Goal @ 250 lbs): 91.8%
% EWL (Rational Goal @ 199 lbs): 77.0%
% EWL (Crazy Ambitious Goal @ 175 lbs): 71.6%
Starting BMI: 71.1
Current BMI: 37.9

Time to crank up the exercise! A few years ago when I thought I could diet & exercise (yet, again) my way to health, I bought the "Walk Away the Pounds" DVDs and a Windsor Pilates DVD set. I think I did them once like four years ago. I ran across them this weekend and decided that instead of going out to walk in the frigid weather, I'd do the Walk Away the Pounds DVD and ride my stationary bike for 1/2 an hour each day. My daytime hours are a little tight and I don't have the luxury of being gone for two hours from work during the day to get dressed, drive, workout, drive home, relax and then get back right now, end of the year is always crazy. I did the first WATP DVD, one mile, and boy, it was tough. I could really feel it in my thighs. Good grief. I had decided to go ahead and join a gym close to my house, but I figured I'd wait til the New Year when I know they'll have discounts and specials, no need to pay full price now, plus I don't really have the time. Anyway, the plan is to keep up with the DVD's til I can comfortably do the 3-mile one, keep riding the bike and maybe mix in some Pilates until sometime next year. Healthy, strong and lean, that's the goal.

This Saturday is our company's Christmas party. I have to dress up, crap, I have to go shopping. Well, actually, maybe not. I have that size 16 skirt my mom gave me that I can wear, and I have a cream colored sweater that matches, so maybe I will just do that. THEN, I have a family Christmas party the following Saturday. I've got mixed emotions about this one. They haven't seen me in a year, I was maybe down 100 lbs then, I can't remember. I may do some shopping for this one because I want to make sure I look good for it. We'll see.

Much love goes out to Lisa, I know she's getting switched tomorrow! I know you'll do fine and can't wait to see you at support group!!!

Are we having fun yet?

No. I am ready to admit it. I am not having fun at work. Not at the moment. It's boring and tedious and most of all, it's kinda lonely. I am the only technical person in the company and I really miss having peers. I miss having people close by to talk shop with. I miss intelligent discourse. I miss problem solving with people who I can get down to the nuts & bolts with. Sigh.

I got a pot roast in the slow cooker and it needs about another hour before I can tear into it. I was going to do the turkey legs, but I'm all turkey'd out. With it I will have some garlic green beans, couple of dashes of hot sauce and be a happy girl. I love it when I cook really good food instead of the boring day-to-day stuff.

I have had this crick in my neck for going on two weeks and it's perplexing me why it hasn't resolved itself. I go through these phases of being uncomfortable in my body. I don't know if that is the best way to describe it, but it's like every few weeks or so I have to readjust how I move in the world otherwise I'm just an awkward, clumsy freak. The scale doesn't seem to want to move down very fast, but it seems my body has shifted much more quicker in the last month than I remember in recent memory. My hands, arms and wrists even seem to be very different to me. Very strange, but not disconcerting, but sometimes I do look at them and think "are these really *my* hands?" Since I have been obese most of my life, I think my bones and musculature are that of a much heavier person. I think my hands are really big and don't get me started on my head! Like, I love the show House Hunters and happened to catch one where Star Jones was the narrator instead of the regular hostess and her head looked huge to me and looked out of proportion, but I don't know if that is because I'm more familiar with her when she was overweight. Maybe I am projecting my own issues. Anyway, a lot of the things I used to find comfortable are not comfortable any more. I can't even sleep in my favorite fetal position because it's just awkward -- probably what caused the crick in the first place....

The other day, I'd come to the conclusion that I would be happy if I don't lose anymore weight. This, of course, is not true, but it's not entirely false. Truth be told, I am tired of dieting. Oh, so tired. 15 months of dieting. What has befallen me as of late is that I have become accustomed to a higher carb diet, not that I am eating any bread or sugar, but it's the mounds of non-dairy creamer in my coffee that has 1 gram of carbs per teaspoon (and I use like 10) and the 5 packets of splenda (1g per). It's the pickles and for some reason, lots of them. It's the cheese I find myself eating. It's the 2-3 KFC thighs at 8g of carbs each that I allow myself to eat on some days, it's the mediocre quality sausages with 3-7g of carbs that I indulge in. Crap like that. This month, more than any other month is what my long term meals will probably most resemble. I didn't try all that hard. At times, I feel like I don't want to try all that hard, maybe this is good enough. I don't know, I think it's the fear issue rearing it's ugly head. Fear of success. I want to succeed, but I am afraid of what succeeding means for me. Complete unknown. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's because all the major things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight" I've been able to do. Maybe it's because there are other parts of my life I am unhappy with...I'm inclined to think that might be it. Between you and me, I'm feeling a little lonely and I don't know how to fix. I wear the mark of an introvert and have always been painfully shy and suck at the whole social thing. Much like clothes shopping, being social/making friends is hard! Ugh. Yet another thing to work on...

PH, BP & Mmmmmm

I think my constipation issues are almost resolved, but I'm not sure. My hemorrhoids are in remission, but I don't think my mind is convinced. Yesterday was not a good food day. I mean, I didn't eat anything crappy, but I certainly didn't eat enough. I had a cup of coffee in the morning, eggs & sausage later that morning and then a couple of pieces of chicken that evening. I was pretty pissed off yesterday at BP and so didn't eat enough, I seriously wanted to throttle her and I hate feeling that way, that is NOT me, that is NOT who I am and it's frustrating. It sucks more because I almost feel like if I tell her off, I'll feel better. Heck, maybe I should. I don't know, you tell me, shouldn't a 50 year old woman be more emotionally mature than an 8 year old??? The best I can do is not even bother trying to change her and only work on changing how I react. Maybe I should just use some Preparation H on her brain.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is Thursday (duh), woo-hoo!!!! I am going to do my grocery shopping this afternoon for it. I am 99% sure I am going to do a DS-friendly baked macaroni and cheese. I am going to use Dreamfield's pasta, lots of butter and cheese. I typically make it with some cheddar, Velveeta and Alfredo sauce. I like using Velveeta for creaminess and the Alfredo sauce for a little depth and tang, it adds a little "wow" factor. I said I'd also make a dessert. I am thinking either a sweet potato pie or a chocolate chip pie or ... a buttermilk pie... mmmm. Buttermilk pies can be tricky though. I've tried a couple in the past with mixed results, but if I can pull it off, they are quite delicious. Hopefully by the time I hit the grocery store I will have made up my mind... who am I kidding... I need to make a list and decide before I go.

A couple things I have noticed about my body lately. I usually walk around the house in a pair of Adidas slip on slippers and have noticed lately when I walk around barefoot, I've lost a good padding on the bottom of my feet. Also, I am noticing the curve of my jar right below my ears. Craziness.

Poop N' Stuff

TMI time. Is it possible to have diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Saturday was one of those days where I was pretty darn hungry all day. It seemed like 10-15 minutes after eating something, I was ready for more. The after effects are not so good. Lots of liquidy poop, yet I feel like I am constipated, that bloated, icky feeling of the pipes not being fully clean. I didn't poop at all ths morning. That ain't right. Gross, I know, but that's post-op life at times. I got on the scale yesterday morning to see how it was and I weighed in at 275.8 lbs, a total loss of 240.8 lbs, exactly 25.8 lbs from Dr. M's goal, 76 lbs from my personal goal (holy crap), but only 2.2 lbs for the month so far. Meh. I know the big C has a lot to do with that, so I won't bother getting upset about it. I know I have 2/3 of a month to go so we'll just see. I'm going to wait til Thanksgiving to weigh again.

I went over to BP's house yesterday to catch up on business stuff and to eat dinner as well. Dinner was okay, her husband, the chef, didn't cook, she did. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed. Basically she made a pot roast soup/stew with a too lean pot roast and potatoes, onions and carrots. I must admit to have a few small potatoes and plenty of pot roast. I don't like carrots so I didn't have any of them, but the onions were great. She cut them in half and after cooking for several hours they were kinda mushy, but tasted good with the pot roast together. Yum. Rare is the day I turn down free food, especially free food I don't have to cook.

Support Group is a few days away and I can't wait. I am so excited for it, I hate it when I miss it. In fact, I think there is an additional support group meeting this Tuesday, I may go to just to make up for last month when I was in Barbados.

I have been pretty lame lately about receiving compliments. Part me of really likes to hear them, but mostly I instantly feel embarrassed by the attention. I'm sort of in a weird spot. There are a few people in my day to day life who ask me at least a few times a month how much weight I have lost. I've been forthcoming with the number, but I guess I'm starting to feel uncomfortable saying it because it's like indirectly admitting how fat I was. People can start doing the math in their heads the smaller I get. It's even more embarrassing when people ask what size I wear now, mind you, only women ever ask me that. BP is good for doing that. She did that yesterday. Grrrr.

Today is Veteran's Day, in the U.S., so much love and respect to all the veterans out there and to all our service men and women. Much, much love goes out to my dad (25 years) and my sister (25 years) who both retired from the Army and my two brothers (15 years total) who served in the Navy. I am especially proud of my dad, he fought in the Korean War -- and was injured -- and served two tours in Vietnam. Love ya Dad!

Ramblings and more ramblings

So I took my Walk of Frustration yesterday and it was invigorating. The weather was cool & crisp and very windy which compelled me to move a little faster than normal. I even jogged a little bit and my heart didn't explode so that's good. I have got to get some better running/walking shoes, but that would mean I would have to go shopping ... but not in a clothes store ... I can do that at Sports Authority or Foot Locker or something. Anyway, towards the end of my walk, I noticed someone had dropped their driver's license so I went and transversed the whole trail again to find the owner. I then walked over to the YMCA and unfortunately the person wasn't a member, but they offered to mail it to the lady for me. Very nice of them. This is the same YMCA that I had been contemplating joining. It was my first time in the facility (very nice & spacious) AND they have indoor swimming as I saw some ladies in the middle of a water aerobics class. I saw the basketball court but didn't catch a glimpse of the workout rooms or anything. Maybe tomorrow I will get the grand tour. I really want to work on getting stronger, having a strong core, all that jazz. All in all, I am glad I went. I certainly needed to clear my head and get some fresh air.

Thanks y'all for the good advise about my wayward employee. When BP gets back in town we will have that discussion for sure. This morning she didn't get to work til 10:45 AM, she is supposed to start at 9AM. The excuse this morning is that her computer wasn't working, yeah well, that was the excuse yesterday. I think she is hip to my increasing frustration because I saw her working last night. Good for her, but it doesn't make up for 2 1/2 years of screwing around.

I've been thinking about my food choices lately. I've probably mentioned that cheese is my favorite food, without question. I love the stuff. I especially love the stuff mixed in with other stuff. I love cheese enchiladas, cheese grits, cheese & eggs, grilled cheese, macaroni & cheese, quesadillas, cheese soup... I love it. Problem is, post-DS, cheese is not a friend of mine and it causes a significant amount of intestinal discomfort and most importantly, slows the weight loss down. I think this is because of several reasons, one, my lactose intolerance has been kicked up a notch post-DS. I don't dare consume much if any milk, cream, etc. I just can't do it. Lots of explosive gas. Two, it gives me constipation. I have visions of it congealing in my system and very slowly making it's way through. My poop is always firmer when I consume cheese and three, I have very poor portion control when it comes to cheese. I tell myself oh, I'm going to limit my intake to 2 slices a day. That NEVER works. Never, ever. I always consume more. The bad thing is technically, on a DS diet, cheese is good for you. Good source of protein and fat, thumbs up all around. BUT, for me, not so good. Sometimes when those old feelings of wanting cookies and ice cream and cake and all kinds of other carb-evilness seemingly threaten to overwhelm me, I opt for things that are DS-friendly, but not so much Tia-friendly. Y'know a quesadilla made with a couple slices of Pepperjack cheese on a low carb tortilla has got to better than a piece of pie, right??? That's what I did this weekend. I felt the carb monster rearing it's ugly head so instead I had quesadillas. Problem now is, crazy poop, which means ain't no way I'm getting on the scale for the next couple of days and God knows how much I do NOT like the scale to go up.

Same kind of thing with wheat-based products. I don't know what it is, but lots and lots of billowy gas, even when I eat a little bit. Yesterday I had 1/2 a Toufayan wrap with some deli turkey, salami and some mustard and less than an hour later, gas and more gas. Good grief! I love those wraps though and I highly recommend them for those of you who can tolerate them. They're a tad bit pricey, anywhere from $2.50-$3 for 5 of them, but they are good, pliable, they heat well and make good sandwich wraps (hot or cold), quesadillas and breakfast burritos! Also, I have really been enjoying Dry Roasted Sunflower Kernels lately. I am not much of a nut person, but these are great to nibble and snack on during the day. They have a decent amount of protein and fat and satisfy my desire for a salty-crunchy snack. Yum.

I am still keeping my eye on the prize (goal) although everyday it seems to be changing... one day I say I'd be happy at 250, another I want the gold medal - 175, but mostly I just want to be in the mystical, magical place called Onederland. Hitting 199.8 will be divine and then I can say I did it! I will still be overweight, but at least I can feel like I beat obesity. With plastic surgery further down the road, I'd like to exist happily under 200 lbs for the long term. The next big milestone for me is reaching 250 lbs which is Dr. M's goal. I hope to reach that sometime in January, but who knows, then it's 7 months to lose the last 50 lbs. There is a woman on OH who started off at 440 lbs and who is still losing well into her 3rd year. I am trying not to look at all this like a race, but sometimes it's hard not to.

I've accomplished many of the things on my mental "when I lose weight I want to do ..." There are still a few I haven't done. I still want to be able to get up off the floor without using a sturdy piece of furniture. I want to squat with ease. There is the amusement park thing, but that will have to wait til Spring. I also want to sit on the ground where your on your knees and you sit back on your feet, I want to do that, can't do that yet. I also want to be able to cross my legs and have them fit under a table when I am seated, right now, I can cross my legs whenever I want but my top knee usually bangs on the table. I'm not sure about that one though, that may be more of a function of my height than my weight. I want to be able to put shoes and socks on without resting my foot on the floor or having to cross my legs first. That would be cool. I'll get there.

I suspected that this part of the journey would be the more difficult for me and it's turning out to be true. No regrets, right? Don't want any shoulda, coulda, woulda's. I think I am going to start reading the WLS failure boards to remind me of the road I do NOT want to find myself on. I'd rather be a success story than a cautionary tale.