17 September 2007

3rd Quarter Whinefest... You have been warned!!!

I am having a hard time of it all. Mentally I am not in the game and have little motivation to figure out why. My lack of blogging is a direct result of me feeling, well, tired of doing all this. I am incredibly bored with food, I have essentially been eating the same thing for over a year and I am tired of it, I tell ya, TIRED OF IT. If I eat another egg or protein shake or bar or piece of bacon or sausage or piece of chicken, I just might have to jab a fork in my eye! I'm not sure what to do. I just want to eat normal food and not have to watch carbs. I want to eat cheese. I just want to be normal already. I want to weigh 199 lbs already, but nooooo, I have another 100 lbs to lose for crying out loud! ARGH.

I want to curse, I want spew forth all manner of profanity, but I can't bring myself to do it, at least not on here.

I find myself with zero motivation. I'm tired of plugging away, I'm tired of drinking water and taking vitamins. I'm so over it. My skin is flabby, it's like I'm wearing heavy, clumsy, over-sized clothes that I can't take off. My calves are flabby. My head is ginormous. All these bones are popping up, making themselves known. I feel like I am withering away. WTF?!?

I have to go home to see about my parents next week because my idiot siblings, all of whom are older than me, can't seem to get their shit together and come up with some kind of manageable, actionable plan to make sure our parents are taken care of. These are the same folks who are going to be so guilt-ridden when our parents are gone. I made a promise to myself that I was not going to have any regrets when it comes to mom and dad, I will never have to feel guilty about them. Not me, it's just annoying that those that are so close are so full of themselves that they can't find their way to do the right thing. Very annoying.

I'm annoyed with my business partner. I am annoyed with her daughter. How is it that I am in the middle of their crap? How freakin' hard is it for two people not to yell at each other at every given opportunity? I don't get it. God, if y'all can't figure out a way to speak like normal people, then stay away until you can! Must you bait each other all the time??? Christ Almighty!!!

Good grief. I need some kind of emotional boost or a vacation or something. Thank God my support group meeting is this Thursday, I really need it.

I am holding steady at 292.0 lbs which is mostly due to the never-ending constipation, the bane of my existence. Why can't I have normal DS poop?

Gah! I'm going to bed!



Blogger sparkly_jules said...

Oh darlin', a big hug for you. I admire you so much for all your hard work--I hope I can do it too, when my time comes.

Remember the good old days when you could eat anything you wanted? And you weighed nearly 500 pounds, couldn't sit in most chairs, and bought your clothes off the internet? Aaah, good times. (and you weigh less than me now....)

Go to your meeting on Thurs--that might be the boost/comfort/support that you need right now.

And maybe your siblings need what my aunt calls a "Come to Jesus Meeting," and she ain't kidding.

Big hug,


September 18, 2007 at 1:41 AM  
Blogger Aussieabroad said...

Oh Tia now you've done it. Totally disillusioned me. Crap - you are human after all... I had you figured for an alien given how focussed, dedicated and on track you were....

Seriously though friend. Firstly I am so sorry that you're struggling. It sounds like you need to mix it up a little. What you described in your post was what I felt when I was on a diet and succeeding. Part of the issue was that I was tired of diet and part of it was that I was scared of succeeding.

I wonder if it would help you to stop being so rigid in your approach for a little while? The last 100 may come off a little slower (but they will come off) but it may make it a little easier to cope with where you are at. Eat a little cheese (I find brie actually helps keep things moving thanks to the higher fat content). Have some of what you're craving. Skip protein shakes for a little while. Add in something like a Starbucks SF Caramal Machiatto breve (13gms of protein in a Venti) which feels like a wicked treat but still adds in the protein. Mix it up.

Marybeth had a great blog post about mixing it up (I can't get into her blog right now so can't send you a link). She posted in relation to stalls but I think mixing it up helps to keep it fresh too.

Sorry this got so long. Just wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you. The skin thing is only cosmetic... save your pennies and that can be taken care of.

Dumb ass siblings are another thing all together.

Take care hon. I'm glad you posted. For me it was always a turning point when I can post through the rough spots.



September 18, 2007 at 10:46 AM  
Blogger Fatima said...

Tia, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. You are such a inspiration to me, and many others out there. I can't advise you as far as food goes (I'm still pre-op) however I can say that you inspire me to model my post-op life after yours. Whenever I want to give up, I read some of your post and your humor, and wit give me the bit of streagth I need to go on. Stay strong Girl, and just eat maybe one thing that's not low carb. I learned in my prep class that we can't say NO. However, we can fall off the wagon, and jump right back on. I hope you feel better soon.

Sending hugs your way,

September 18, 2007 at 10:38 PM  
Blogger Tia L. said...

Thanks y'all! I appreciate it and I am gonna try to switch things up.

Focus. It's something I obviously need to work on this far out -- which isn't *that* far out, in the scheme of things.

September 19, 2007 at 9:27 AM  

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