Month 12

August was on many fronts a freaking disaster. I went up as high as 319.4 lbs and eventually am ending the month at 301.0 lbs, but since yesterday, for me, was the end month 12, I technically lost only 3.8 lbs. Sigh. What is to be learned here for me? It's simple ... stick to the flippin' plan! There's no way to sugarcoat it, I was derailed for much of the month, but was able to pull it together at the end. Part of it was frustration with the whole ulcer thing and just wanted to be "normal" and frankly I just got tired of the amount of effort I was putting toward everything that I eat/drink. When we were down in Savannah, last day there, Jamie bought us ice cream from this roadside shop. Intellectually I know I have problems with ice cream, I know this, but still, it tastes so darn good and so I had some. I paid dearly for it later, of course. I've sworn off ice cream and all kinds of stuff before, but I wonder if I have the wrong attitude about food.

Obviously, there are choices that I make in accordance to whatever goals I want to achieve, but is anything "bad" or is that my diet mentality speaking? I'm not sure, but for me, I feel better if I can categorize certain things as "evil". It makes it easier to avoid them. As I start Year Two, I have different challenges from Year One, most of the work is mental. I could potentially take it easy from here on out and be good, maybe dropping the 40-60 lbs I need to lose over the next year. That would put me at my doc's goal by this time next year. That would be a success, especially considering where I started. I could also probably get plastic surgery at that point and have a decent result, maybe end up around 225 or so. The problem with that is, what happens 3-5 years later when/if I regain? I will have to start dieting to lose the weight again and I hate dieting. My other option is to really push hard for the next 6-12 months to lose the 100-120 lbs (or more) that I want to lose and be done with it. I would love to get to the point where I can say, I don't need or want to lose any more weight. I'm not sure where that point is, but I'd rather have that opportunity than to not have it.

Talking to some of my family and friends, some are happy to see me where I am and think I could probably stop now, others think, maybe a few more pounds and I'd be good to go, so far, I'm reluctant to really divulge to them that I want to lose another 100 lbs. They can't wrap their heads around this. The only people who fully understand this are my fellow DSers. They feel me on this issue. I remember telling my sister that I wanted to wear a size 10 some day, she was like "Nooooo, that's too skinny!" and when I voiced my doubts about ever wearing a size 10 with my friends at support group, they were like "Girl please! You can totally do it!" Ugh.

I have to remember to just focus on the day-to-day. Looking too far in the future is just too problematic for me. I need to stop obsessing about this because it is just causing me unwanted anxiety. Me thinks it's because I'm close to breaking into the 200's ... freaking me out a little bit. One day at a time, Tia, one day at a time!

I do, however, think there was some good to gleaned from August. I certainly learned a good bit about my personal behaviors and attitudes about food and goal setting so all was not lost. I am hoping to be real about this whole process as I can. I don't want to have gone through all this only to be poorly prepared for the long-term post-op life.

Anywho, Monday is my 10K and I'm so nervous and excited. Truth be told, I am more amped up about this than I was about my one year surgiversary! I'm kinda concerned about getting an empty tank at some point. I'm thinking about getting a fanny pack of some sort so that I can carry a couple of protein bars with me. There will be water all along the way so I'm not too worried about that, I just need to drink often. Tomorrow they have like a family festival type thingy going on for the race so I will go pick up my number and maybe hang out there awhile and possibly get some tips. Who knows? I don't have any fancy race gear, but am wearing a pair of gym shorts and a favorite t-shirt plus my trusty tennis shoes. I followed advice and didn't purchase anything new that hadn't been broken in. I wish I had a smaller camera, so I could take a picture at the finish, maybe I will just have to purchase a disposable one. We'll see. I do plan to dance the jig though, THAT I won't neglect to do!