Moving on...

There have been so many positives in my life since I had my DS that it is impossible to keep count. This past week I truly became cognizant of one in particular, that of inner strength. I made a really "tough" decision this past week that I am going to execute this week. It's one that has been tugging at me for over a year and because of a myriad of things, I couldn't see the truth in a particular situation that I now do. It's not because I'm skinnier that I see it, it's because I've grown emotionally and have developed a stronger sense of self that I can now see myself and my life in a much more positive light and so must make some difficult decisions and do some things that I honestly would not have done had I not had my surgery. Life is funny and life is hard, but life is also filled with so much potential to be happy, but it sometimes requires going through some crap to get there. I won't be able to talk much about it until it's all said and done, but I will say that I am done with the crap and it's now time to move on to better things. I am reminded of that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Tim Robbin's character has to literally crawl through 1/2 a mile of shit to come clean on the other side, that's how I feel right now. I'm crawling through my last hundred yards and when I can see the sky and feel the cool breeze on the other side, I'll know that my life will instantly be better.

It's exciting stuff, y'all, exciting and scary at the same time. If I haven't said it lately, I love my DS!

Maybe he was right....

Y'know....now that I've lost around 18 freakin' pounds of water weight (252 lbs this AM) in like a week and a half, I took a good hard look at myself this morning. Maybe I am playing mental games with myself again, but sometimes I get a good look at myself and don't think I need to lose that much more weight. I looked at myself this morning right out of the shower and I've noticed two things, one, I do not have a lot of muscle tone and (2) I have a helluva lot of excess skin. I mean, A LOT, more than I realized. I wish I could weigh my excess skin to know how much it is so that I'd know if I needed to lose more weight or not. My legs are the biggest problem. Today I stood in one leg of some pre-surgery shorts and could easy walk around the house like I was wearing a skirt. Not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, I could still get in the one pant leg, but it was a little difficult walking because it was snug. I had some serious thunder thighs, if I were a braver person, I'd show you a picture of them, but I ain't so you'll have to just imagine the horror. Today, they are horrible for a totally different reason. When I stand and put my leg on a stool, there is a like a curtain of skin and fat hanging down, it looks like you could just lop it all off and it'd weight 25 lbs or something. Because there is still a good bit of fat on both my legs and some on my whole body, it compels me to want to lose more weight. My weight loss window allegedly close a couple of months ago, but we'll see about that. Maybe Dr. Marchesini was right, maybe 250 lbs is right for me given that I have sooooo much excess skin. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm sticking to my relatively new plan of just hitting the 300 lbs loss mark at 216.6 lbs, roughly 35 lbs away. I think that will put me in size 16 jeans, I doubt I'll change too much on top unless my boobs get flatter. I know I will see 199, but it will probably have to wait til post plastics. My goal is to reach 216.6 by the end of the year, truthfully, I'd like to see it by mid-Autumn, if not earlier, depending on how this month goes. Truthfully at this point, I just want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's! Enough already! In fact, I want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's and blow right past the 240's into the 230's. The 250's seem way too close to 300 for my liking. 239 would make me so happy! In due time, Tia, in due time.

So tonight should be interesting, just got off the phone with my business partner and she sounds like she's on the brink of having a meltdown. Sigh. Luckily it has nothing to do with me so I'm in the clear on that regard. Whew. BUT I know I'll have to do some soothing. Ugh. I wish she wouldn't look at everything as a freakin' personal affront. Good gried, y'know, sometimes people just disagree with you because they just think differently, not because they hate you... ***rolling eyes ****

After I ranted about not really wanting to run the 10K on the 4th, I got my cool race packet. Kinda makes me want to run it, but only a little bit. I'm thinking I just might turn it in which reserves me a spot next year. I'm just not in the mood or shape to run this year and frankly, I'd rather play tennis as we all know it's my latest obsession. I just got a kick-ass deal on 100+ used, but in great condition, tennis balls and a wire ball hopper. This way I can more easily practice on my own without having to chase balls every 2 minutes. Right now, I have around 18 tennis balls which means I can only practice 18 serves in a row or 18 forehands because then I have to walk to the other side of the court, collect the 18 balls and do it again. Now, all that changes. The best part is that it only cost me $40! I got a great deal, makes me happy!

Well, time to go drink a protein shake, watch a little TV and wait for BP to call...good times.

Huh?

Support Group last night was great, of course. The legendary Dr. Dennis Smith was there and he spoke about the issues with medications, supplements and vitamins pre- and post-op. It was very informative and I was impressed with his knowledge about the complications and issues that arise when you have weight loss surgery and take a myriad of drugs. Good Stuff. Dr. Smith said he was impressed with the weight loss of our group, at the beginning of meeting, we all introduce ourselves, tell what kind of surgery we have, will be having or are considering and if we've lost weight, how much. It was great all around. I love my support group, it rocks. I can see myself going there for a good long while.

Weight this morning: 269.8 lbs. Not. Happy. Especially since I had a good eating day yesterday, I swear, I don't get it. I was all ready to come on here and rant and rave and bitch and moan about the injustice and unfairness of it all, about how if you take out the 16 lb water weight gain/loss, I've only lost 5 lbs in 2 months, on and on and on, but I had to go pee and out the corner of my eye, I see this pair of size 20 jeans that a friend had given me this past summer. So I go tinkle, all the while thinking of stuff to whine about, and then I go get these jeans and try them on, a few weeks ago, I could get them on, but could not fasten nor zip them up, today I could and about 90% of my anger/frustration dissipated. HOLY CRAP!!!! I WEAR A SIZE 20!!!! It blows my mind. Me? A size 20? What the hell?!?

I don't think I can take the drama... I certainly don't understand why the scale tells me one thing about how well I am doing and then stuff like this and people's comments tell me another. I must still be retaining a good bit of water or something else is going on so it's time to book appointments with my PCP, the hematologist and the girly-bits doc (Gynecologist) to make sure all is okay. I'm trying really hard to trust my DS, obviously something is working, but maybe something else is going on as well. Time to make sure all is well.

I did do something that I am quite proud of. At support group last night, I relinquished my two old scales that were with me during my 500+ lb days. Ta-ta! Buh-bye! They are now with new owners. Yep, I can't lie and say there wasn't a bit of sentimentality involved, but I just don't need them anymore and we all know, one scale is enough to drive me crazy, don't need three!

On the brink...

I will be posting to the OH Exercise board everyday to log my exercise and hopefully participate in that community a little more. I could barely sleep last night, I've been so excited about running, the idea is intoxicating. Me, a runner? Who would have ever thunk it?

This morning I weighed in at 270.2 lbs, on the brink of being out of the 270s. Man, it seems like I have been in the 270's for two months! I try not to think that I should be around 255 lbs and instead focus on actually getting there. I have given up on setting goal weights by specific dates, it just does not work for me, I have to be all about one day at a time and just focusing on what I can control which is what I eat and drink and how much I exercise. Doing anything else just leads to insanity.

Yet another thing I want to work on is how fast I eat, sometimes I have a tendency to want to scarf things down which causes a tight feeling in my throat, often food feels stuck. You'd think I'd be past these issues at 16+ months out, but alas, such is not the case. Lately I've wondered if my stomach is stretched to the point where it'll be difficult for me to get to goal. There was a post on OH about a lady who weighed 500+ lbs and after 5 years, the lowest she ever got was down to 280. That scares the crap out of me. Only she knows whether or not she did all the right things, but just the idea causes me a good deal of anxiety. Focusing on the day to day is the best thing I can do right now and here on out!

Anywho, time to get ready to go run! Woo-hoo!

Slowly, but surely....

This morning I weighed in at 285.4 lbs, needless to say I haven't wanted to put that in print. Sigh. That's 13+ lbs higher than my lowest. I have to admit to almost, almost breaking down in tears the other day when I stepped on the scale, but I fought them back, damnit! Tuesday the scale read 288.0 lbs, talk about frustrating. I'm trying to be rational about this. This is day 8 from when I stopped diuretics. I wake up with a puffy face, puffy fingers, puffy legs, so annoying. I know it's a reaction to getting off the diuretics, but goddamn, that's a big reaction! Oh well, at least it's going down, I will probably not lose any weight this month to be honest which makes it even more difficult to stay on track. I will be content to just slowly make progress if it means I won't have to do this crap again! I comfort myself with the knowledge that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Anyway, I went grocery shopping and was absolutely shocked to see how expensive eggs are. What the hell! I usually buy a dozen Jumbo sized eggs for like $1.79, today they were almost $2.25. A dozen of large eggs was $1.99. I instead went with the 1 1/2 dozen large eggs for like $3.75 or something ridiculous. Good grief, I wonder if it is due to the increase in baking that goes on around this time of year. Ironically, butter was pretty inexpensive, I picked up two packs of butter for $2.18 each, sometimes it can over $2.50 per. I don't know about y'all but I go through a lot of butter and I always have at least a pound of butter in my fridge, always. Butter goes with everything and it helps keep things moving.

Yesterday was another warm day which meant I wasn't totally freezing. Unfortunately, I couldn't go out to the park because we had a staff meeting instead of the usually Friday meeting. BP left for a short trip this morning and won't be back til the weekend. Today's high will be 70, but it looks to be a little overcast as it is supposed to rain later tonight. I may go out there, we'll see how the afternoon goes.

Finally and most importantly, congrats to Deluzy! She celebrating celebrated her two year surgiversary! You go girl! I've been reading her blog since I started on this journey way back when. Such an inspiration!

Are we having fun yet?

No. I am ready to admit it. I am not having fun at work. Not at the moment. It's boring and tedious and most of all, it's kinda lonely. I am the only technical person in the company and I really miss having peers. I miss having people close by to talk shop with. I miss intelligent discourse. I miss problem solving with people who I can get down to the nuts & bolts with. Sigh.

I got a pot roast in the slow cooker and it needs about another hour before I can tear into it. I was going to do the turkey legs, but I'm all turkey'd out. With it I will have some garlic green beans, couple of dashes of hot sauce and be a happy girl. I love it when I cook really good food instead of the boring day-to-day stuff.

I have had this crick in my neck for going on two weeks and it's perplexing me why it hasn't resolved itself. I go through these phases of being uncomfortable in my body. I don't know if that is the best way to describe it, but it's like every few weeks or so I have to readjust how I move in the world otherwise I'm just an awkward, clumsy freak. The scale doesn't seem to want to move down very fast, but it seems my body has shifted much more quicker in the last month than I remember in recent memory. My hands, arms and wrists even seem to be very different to me. Very strange, but not disconcerting, but sometimes I do look at them and think "are these really *my* hands?" Since I have been obese most of my life, I think my bones and musculature are that of a much heavier person. I think my hands are really big and don't get me started on my head! Like, I love the show House Hunters and happened to catch one where Star Jones was the narrator instead of the regular hostess and her head looked huge to me and looked out of proportion, but I don't know if that is because I'm more familiar with her when she was overweight. Maybe I am projecting my own issues. Anyway, a lot of the things I used to find comfortable are not comfortable any more. I can't even sleep in my favorite fetal position because it's just awkward -- probably what caused the crick in the first place....

The other day, I'd come to the conclusion that I would be happy if I don't lose anymore weight. This, of course, is not true, but it's not entirely false. Truth be told, I am tired of dieting. Oh, so tired. 15 months of dieting. What has befallen me as of late is that I have become accustomed to a higher carb diet, not that I am eating any bread or sugar, but it's the mounds of non-dairy creamer in my coffee that has 1 gram of carbs per teaspoon (and I use like 10) and the 5 packets of splenda (1g per). It's the pickles and for some reason, lots of them. It's the cheese I find myself eating. It's the 2-3 KFC thighs at 8g of carbs each that I allow myself to eat on some days, it's the mediocre quality sausages with 3-7g of carbs that I indulge in. Crap like that. This month, more than any other month is what my long term meals will probably most resemble. I didn't try all that hard. At times, I feel like I don't want to try all that hard, maybe this is good enough. I don't know, I think it's the fear issue rearing it's ugly head. Fear of success. I want to succeed, but I am afraid of what succeeding means for me. Complete unknown. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's because all the major things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight" I've been able to do. Maybe it's because there are other parts of my life I am unhappy with...I'm inclined to think that might be it. Between you and me, I'm feeling a little lonely and I don't know how to fix. I wear the mark of an introvert and have always been painfully shy and suck at the whole social thing. Much like clothes shopping, being social/making friends is hard! Ugh. Yet another thing to work on...

Where's my hour?!?

So I didn't do the Heart Walk this weekend, I'm glad I didn't. I needed the break and it was total bliss to be able to sleep in a little bit. My bed is so great. So warm and toasty. I have perfected the art of the warm and toasty bed. I am so proud of myself. The day started off well, slept in, had a good breakfast, got a little work out the way, but it didn't end so. My alma mater go their asses kicked big time...sigh. Well, that's an overstatement. They played a close game with a team that in the past they would have creamed. They lost in the last second. Football season is my favorite time of year and as my most favorite team is downright abyssmal, it has affected my zest for the game. Oh well, at least the Cowboys are doing well and made up for it last night! I had a lot of fun watching the game last night while on the phone with my mom. She's a crazy Cowboys fan, in fact, you'll have to blame my football fanaticism on her. I got my yelling at the TV from her.

I haven't stepped on the scale in almost a week (10/31) and I am not the least bit frantic about it. No, really. Seriously, stop laughing. Y'know, I have to say, there is a certain amount of peace in not weighing and NOT worrying about what I weigh. I think I can successfully move on to weighing once a week and be good. I am still eating my protein, but have let the carbs creep up a little bit. Today, I've got them under control. I bought 6 cans of that corn I mentioned earlier and have made my way through 5 of them. That's just me, I find something new that I like and I'm all about it. I won't be buying any more after this last can, man that stuff is good but boy let me tell you, it's like a freakin' natural laxative or something.

Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time setting and meeting goals, especially with the DS, I've let the carb monster tempt and seduce me far too much and it's disappointing. I think it's fear based and my strong disinterest to do any kind of clothes shopping is part of that. Yes, I jest about not going shopping, but I really, REALLY, do not want to do it and it's so unlike me and it's bothering me that I don't just go and do it. In reality, I want to go, but it's sooooo overwhelming and seriously, how can there possibly be that many choices in the world? Why aren't sizes consistent? How in God's name am I supposed to know what pants go with what shirt? Why are there 30 million types of bras? In one regard, life was much simpler at 500+ lbs. I had like 7 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. There were only like 5 types of bras to choose from. No stress...no variety either, but certainly no stress. Something to work on, I know.

I've lost 26 lbs in the last two months, yet I feel like I am not making progress. Why is that?

My body hasn't adjusted to Daylight Saving Time just yet. I completely forgot until about mid morning yesterday when I looked at the clock on my computer and thought to myself, "damn, I've gotten a lot done in just under an hour ... wait ... I know I've been up for more than an hour!" and then it dawned on me. Duh! I wasn't able to fully take advantage of my extra hour of sleep time. Oh well.

I am in love! When I was at Kroger the other day, I happened upon Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash. Sweet Jesus, this stuff is delicious! At the moment, I can't imagine my life without it (see above reference to something new). It's fruity, refreshing and despite what the link says, reminds me of spring which is apropos because the weather will soon get miserable. I love this stuff, I highly recommend it. It's caffeine, calorie and sugar free! I will try not to drink this constantly, but I make no promises.

:)

Friend: Knock, knock.
Me: Whose there?
Friend: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interrup---
Friend: Moooooooooooooooooo!
Me: hahaha (...for the next two days)

I don't know why that cracks me up, but it does ... I am so easily amused, it's sad.

Anyway, why is it that the more I eat, the hungrier I seem to be? So far today I have had the following:

M1: Isopure Protein RTD
M2: 2 chicken drumsticks
M3: IDS protein shake
M4: Chicken drumstick
M5: 1/2 turkey/salami wrap
M6: Chicken thigh
M7: Chicken thigh

Right, I am hungry and I JUST ate... Sigh...

This cold I have kinda sucks. It's a lot of nasal drip, a little sore throat and I feel cold all the time. I can't sleep because I just get clogged up and can't breathe. Ugh. I can drink lots of warm, comforting beverages though, so that's nice.

When I was in Barbados, not once did I lament the fact that I could not weigh myself. Not once. I could not have cared less. The unbelievable is happening y'all, I am seriously thinking about not weighing every day. It is such a pain in the ass and I just don't want to, but it's kinda like something I have been doing for what seems like forever. The problem is that I am torn between wanting to lose the last 100 or lbs and just living a freakin' normal life and eating as normal as possible. It is much, much harder than I thought. Crazy thing is that even when I do eat like total crap, the weight still is coming off, granted, not very fast, but it is. Even though I'm clocking it at 288.4 lbs (as of this morning....grrr) my clothes are loser than a couple of weeks ago. I don't know, I am hoping that I can snap myself back on track -- permanently and not have to deal with all this back and forth crap. I want to be done already, I just got get my head right which is soooooo hard sometimes. Times like these I really miss support group....

Barbados here I come!

So Thursday afternoon, I hop on a plane to Barbados. Woo-hoo! I'm fairly excited, but honestly can't wait to get back and get things rolling in my life again. I feel like I'm settling and need to not do that. Anyway, the plan is to relax (clear my head) and take as many pictures as I can. Luckily my best friend is of the same mind. I was afraid he'd want to do a lot of running around and such. He's bringing a couple of books he's been waiting to read and I will do the same, but I plan to do a bit of walking around and staring at the ocean.

I've had this crazy headache since yesterday afternoon after an argument with my business partner. I could bop her one! Anyway, enough of that crap. I took a couple of Tylenols and went to bed only to wake up several hours later with it still lingering around. Ugh. It's one of those throbbing ones where you can hear your heart beat in your head. Speaking of, mine is bordering on around 40 beats per minutes. Craziness.

I have been eating fairly light for the past several weeks, around 90-120g of protein. What has been missing from my diet is protein drinks. I think I need to return them to my diet. My weight loss is a little sluggish now and I feel a little sluggish. After spending most of my life significantly anemic, it's hard for me to notice gradual changes in my energy levels. Today I certainly feel it, but maybe it's all in my head. There's just a lot of things going on in my life right now. When I visited my parents, it was great because I had the opportunity to have real conversations with them and gauge how they are getting along. I guess it's increasingly stressful to see them aging and not getting along as well as they did. I guess it's really hitting me that they are not going to be around forever and I really do have to make sure I make the most of the time we have with them. I think I mentioned this before, but some of my other siblings are just caught up in old shit, they still like to blame our parents for the crap in their lives. When I was younger, I was just like them, but I just made a choice that I wasn't going to ruin my life with regrets and I certainly wasn't going to ruin the relationship I have with my parents now with bullshit. The one thing I do NOT want is to feel guilty when they are no longer with us. That ain't gonna be me and I know that is exactly going to be the case with some of my siblings. I am going to try my best to do right by them. It's just hard. Anyway, my dad is probably coming to town in a month or so to visit with his side of the family here in Georgia so that will be good. In all honesty, it'll probably be his last trip out here as it's difficult for him to travel from so far away. When he does come, I'm gonna make sure he has a good old time.

Anyway, I have no idea what to wear to a garden wedding in Barbados...I have a few sun dresses, a couple that are very colorful. Ugh. Any ideas? Could I wear a light colored skirt and a blouse?

When I get back I have to go shopping in the next several weeks. I have very little in the way of fall/winter clothes.

Weight this morning is 288.8lbs. Ugh.

Goal = confusion

Weight: 290.6 lbs. Total Loss: 226 lbs.

According to Dr. Marchesini's goal for me of 250 lbs, I have reached 85% EWL (226 lbs out of 266.6lbs). Technically that makes me a DS success story. That would also mean I'd need only to lose around 40 more lbs to consider myself at goal. I've said in the past, that I'd like to see 199.8 lbs. As time goes on, and I seem to get smaller and smaller much faster, I'm not so sure of that goal. I look at myself and wonder where exactly this 90 lbs is supposed to come from. I am still disproportionate, pear-shaped and have the bulk of the excess weight in my hips and thighs, I just don't know if I have 90 lbs worth. I don't know, it's a tad stressful because I'd like to know where the end is, I'd like to know when I'm done. I may just stick to Dr. M's goal for me, which I truly feel like I can meet by the end of the year or at least by the birthday in February.

There is a thread at DuodenalSwitch.com about whether or not we ever get over our food issues. I don't think I had an eating disorder per se, I do think I treated food like a source of comfort, but I also come from a culture where food is a pretty big part of it. My father is a typical southern guy from a typical southern food/soul food background. My mother is Creole and so Creole food was fairly prominent in our household. Add to that the fact that I grew up in a border town and Mexican food was also big in our diet. I ate a lot of good, delicious, totally bad for you food, but it was freakin' delicious and there was plenty of it. Now, I worry about the relationship to food that I have now. Now, it's all about the nunbers, protein and carbs, but once I reach goal, what then? Yes, it'll be about protein as an overall goal, but the other rules relax a great deal. I worry about that sometimes. The idea, I guess, is to find something, a plan/approach that is a no-brainer for the future, where I can indulge in the "bad" stuff every now and again, but not make those things a staple of my day to day life. That is going to be a challenge if there ever was one.

I had a weird bout of explosive poop late this morning. I've been off my acidophilus for a couple of days, I'm experimenting to see how much it is contributing to my constipation -- apparently a lot. Great afternoon reading, yes? Anyway, I may have to get back on it. I'm going out of town Thursday and I'd rather deal with constipation than diarrhea whilst I'm away from the safety of my house. The last trip I took I came home with some major stomach issues, this time around I'd like much better results.

Month 12

August was on many fronts a freaking disaster. I went up as high as 319.4 lbs and eventually am ending the month at 301.0 lbs, but since yesterday, for me, was the end month 12, I technically lost only 3.8 lbs. Sigh. What is to be learned here for me? It's simple ... stick to the flippin' plan! There's no way to sugarcoat it, I was derailed for much of the month, but was able to pull it together at the end. Part of it was frustration with the whole ulcer thing and just wanted to be "normal" and frankly I just got tired of the amount of effort I was putting toward everything that I eat/drink. When we were down in Savannah, last day there, Jamie bought us ice cream from this roadside shop. Intellectually I know I have problems with ice cream, I know this, but still, it tastes so darn good and so I had some. I paid dearly for it later, of course. I've sworn off ice cream and all kinds of stuff before, but I wonder if I have the wrong attitude about food.

Obviously, there are choices that I make in accordance to whatever goals I want to achieve, but is anything "bad" or is that my diet mentality speaking? I'm not sure, but for me, I feel better if I can categorize certain things as "evil". It makes it easier to avoid them. As I start Year Two, I have different challenges from Year One, most of the work is mental. I could potentially take it easy from here on out and be good, maybe dropping the 40-60 lbs I need to lose over the next year. That would put me at my doc's goal by this time next year. That would be a success, especially considering where I started. I could also probably get plastic surgery at that point and have a decent result, maybe end up around 225 or so. The problem with that is, what happens 3-5 years later when/if I regain? I will have to start dieting to lose the weight again and I hate dieting. My other option is to really push hard for the next 6-12 months to lose the 100-120 lbs (or more) that I want to lose and be done with it. I would love to get to the point where I can say, I don't need or want to lose any more weight. I'm not sure where that point is, but I'd rather have that opportunity than to not have it.

Talking to some of my family and friends, some are happy to see me where I am and think I could probably stop now, others think, maybe a few more pounds and I'd be good to go, so far, I'm reluctant to really divulge to them that I want to lose another 100 lbs. They can't wrap their heads around this. The only people who fully understand this are my fellow DSers. They feel me on this issue. I remember telling my sister that I wanted to wear a size 10 some day, she was like "Nooooo, that's too skinny!" and when I voiced my doubts about ever wearing a size 10 with my friends at support group, they were like "Girl please! You can totally do it!" Ugh.

I have to remember to just focus on the day-to-day. Looking too far in the future is just too problematic for me. I need to stop obsessing about this because it is just causing me unwanted anxiety. Me thinks it's because I'm close to breaking into the 200's ... freaking me out a little bit. One day at a time, Tia, one day at a time!

I do, however, think there was some good to gleaned from August. I certainly learned a good bit about my personal behaviors and attitudes about food and goal setting so all was not lost. I am hoping to be real about this whole process as I can. I don't want to have gone through all this only to be poorly prepared for the long-term post-op life.

Anywho, Monday is my 10K and I'm so nervous and excited. Truth be told, I am more amped up about this than I was about my one year surgiversary! I'm kinda concerned about getting an empty tank at some point. I'm thinking about getting a fanny pack of some sort so that I can carry a couple of protein bars with me. There will be water all along the way so I'm not too worried about that, I just need to drink often. Tomorrow they have like a family festival type thingy going on for the race so I will go pick up my number and maybe hang out there awhile and possibly get some tips. Who knows? I don't have any fancy race gear, but am wearing a pair of gym shorts and a favorite t-shirt plus my trusty tennis shoes. I followed advice and didn't purchase anything new that hadn't been broken in. I wish I had a smaller camera, so I could take a picture at the finish, maybe I will just have to purchase a disposable one. We'll see. I do plan to dance the jig though, THAT I won't neglect to do!

Reconnect

"Wow, Tia, you look good! Real Good!"

Men are interesting. Every guy friend of mine that hasn't seen me in awhile pretty much has the same reaction or comments, women are different. Women always bring up weight, guys never do. Anyway, lunch was great, perfect way to kill three hours on midday afternoon. Yes, I said three hours. We had a lot of catching up to do. It was fun and we have tentative plans for me to go over his house to have dinner with his wife and young daughter, haven't seen them in awhile either.

I have my one year doctor's appointment at some point this month, I can't remember when (guess I better figure that out) but I am looking forward to looking at some of my blood test results afterwards. I think my iron infusion has worn off and I may need another. I've been on the Protonix for about a week and I haven't had any issues like I had before however I've seen a return of fluid retention and I'm certainly not pooping as much. Ugh. I've been trying to do some research on the DS boards about any correlations between proton pump inhibitors (reduced stomach acid) and increased malabsorption. I could be totally nuts, but couldn't hurt to be better educated.

I'm soooo not in the mood to eat anything which is not a good thing. I never thought I would say this in my life, but I am tired of food and don't want to eat a thing. Yuck. Everything sounds/looks/tastes gross... well I should say, all the stuff I have been eating lately does. All I really want is cheese enchiladas and lots of them. I'm trying to figure out what is going on with me physically, but mostly emotionally. God's honest truth: I am having a heckuva time dealing with the compliments I have been getting which seem to be coming with increased frequency. I really think it's messing with my head more than I fully realize. In the past, I have had big problems finishing certain things. I can start a lot of things, but it's usually when I get to the point when the finish line is closer than the start I begin a shift in behavior, attitude and maybe even engage in a little self-sabotage. I could go drone on and on with a lot of psycho-babble, but I know exactly what it is, it's the f-word, fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of mediocrity. I don't like living in fear, fear is the most destructive force in the universe and I want no part of it.

In my life there were two or three things that I set my mind to, things I wanted to do and accomplish and actually did. Looking back, even though I did accomplish those things, I did have those moments of self sabotage that I know were rooted in fear. Through some very hard work on my part and thanks to a few good friends and mentors, I got past it and was able to succeed. I find myself in that exact same situation. It's homestretch time. I've got my last 60-90 lbs to go. What's really playing with my emotions is that this journey hasn't been a private one, a lot of people are witnessing my progress (and difficulties), some with a lot to say and others who are the opposite. I'll admit it, I'm a textbook introvert and add to that my mediocre social skills and that causes me a good bit of anxiety. I am so used to existing in my little world that it's jarring to be reminded that my bubble is a lot bigger than I think. HOWEVER. I do have to attribute much of the progress I've made in the past year of coming out of my shell to attending support group meeting and maintaining this blog. Removing those two things out of the equation, I don't know where I'd be. Meeting and sharing and interacting with the people I've met online and offline has been tremendous not only for my weight loss, but for me emotionally. It's been good for me even though sometimes I feel like I want to run and disappear. Many times I just have to allow myself to just let it all out and ramble on if I need to even when it makes little sense. All these changes are happening at light-speed and I can't always keep up with the consequences.

Anywho, I'm roadtrippin' it down to Savannah next weekend to meet with my fellow Dr. Marchesini patients for a little August reunion. I was going to fly, but have decided to drive down. I haven't been on a road trip in awhile and I think it'll be fun to make a little adventure of it, I'm gonna make a point to stop off at any interesting places I come across and take some pictures along the way. Jamie gave me some good advice about packing a cooler with water and protein snacks. It should be fun, I'm looking forward to it. I just hope the weather calms down a bit, it's ridiculously hot. We've got some kind of crazy heat wave going on and I know if it's insane here in Atlanta, it's got to be worse in Savannah. Yeah well, maybe I'll work on my tan! ;)

Sigh...

311.8 lbs this morning. Got a call from the doc's office, endoscopy tomorrow afternoon. A little worried. Not too keen on tiny camera going down my throat. Keeping fingers crossed.

Shit.

So, I go to the gastroenterologist's office this afternoon and give him the rundown. I told him about Brazil and he seemed very interested in the whole thing even to go so far as to ask me how much the whole she-bang cost. Anyway, I told him what my symptoms were and he poked around some and said that he wasn't sure exactly what the issue is but he's scheduling me for an endoscopy and his scheduler will give me a call to set that up. Ugh. Something is definitely going on and it's much different than my issues at the end of May/beginning of June. Since yesterday, eating solid food is rough. I mean it hurts. I can actually feel it, this started after I was eating ham yesterday so I cut dinner in half and finished the day off with a protein shake. This morning I had a protein shake which was a little rough going down, but actually not that bad so later that morning I figured how bad could scrambled eggs be. Geez! The first bite felt like I was swallowing a rock but subsequent bites went down alright although I was only able to eat 2/3 of it and that has been the only solid food I have had today. It kinda feels like whatever I ate yesterday is slowly making it's way through my system and leaving irritated bowels along the way. And let's not talk about the burping... It's been protein drinks since the scrambled egg fiasco for me. It's weird because it's always the first bite or drink that is the most uncomfortable and then things are okay, but I am filling up way faster than normal. Good grief... and then, of course, my poop pattern changes. No 10:30-11:30 AM poop, so that's not good. AND to top it all off, weighed in at 312.8 lbs this morning.

I'm not sure what triggered all this, maybe the ham is stuck or something. The doc suggested bland soft foods for the next few days. That really translates to lots and lots of protein drinks. Or I have to regress back to my first post-op days and do the dreaded pureed food deal. Boooooooo. Hissssss. Boooooooo.

Oh well, if that is the case then I'm inclined to go get myself some grits and mashed potatoes and have at it. Getting in the protein won't be a problem, 5 shakes and I am there, but the calories will definitely be.

Sigh. Oh well, just another little bump in the road.

Sunday Randomness

6/30 - 325.2
7/1 - 326.2
7/2 - 328.8
7/3 - 328.2
7/4 - 328.4
7/5 - 329.4
7/6 - 328.8
7/7 - 327.8
7/8 - 327.6

Obviously, not too happy about that right now. I find myself feeling like I'm really tired of all the "dieting". Been doing it for over 10 months and how I wish I could be normal and not sweat it. The non-weight loss is not helping to squash those feelings and actually are probably the root cause of them. I don't know. My appt with gastroenterologist is a good two weeks away. Lately, I've had the opposite of constipation which is a significant change for me. I'm going several times in the morning and then maybe 2-3 times the rest of the day. Things seem to be going through me pretty fast, within 12-24 hours versus 4-5 days. I think it's probably due to me stopping the probiotics. I've ordered a couple of bottles of less potent pills.

As if I haven't agonized over and over-analyzed this enough lately (and I'm sure y'all love reading all about it), I think my problem (outside of something going wrong with my internal plumbing) is twofold and therefore that presents me two opportunities to change my approach. The first is something that I know Deluzy has mentioned this to me twice and for some reason it wasn't sticking enough -- eat more. I've been through months and months of my Fitday food logs and have noticed that when I eat over 2000+ calories and over 140+ grams of protein, the weight comes off, when I eat in the 1100-1300 calorie range for a few days, inevitably the weight loss stalls out. This was during the time I started a new job back in late February through mid May. I lost 45 lbs in those 3 months BUT I wasn't exercising much at all (no extra calories burned). I abandoned walking every day because I had to be at work early in the morning and wasn't doing much of anything afterwards. In short, I am going to be consuming more.

Since I started the new new job, my hours have been insane. Since I live in suburbia, I have to get up at 4:30 AM to catch a 6:15 bus to get me in town by 7:15 AM. I have a 15 min walk to my place of work. At 4:00 PM, I leave work and take 15-20 min walk to the bus stop and then have an hour ride to the Park & Ride lot near my house. WIth 1/2 way decent traffic, I am home by 5:30 PM and try to get to bed by 10:30 PM. Now, my first meal of the day is after I get to work around 8:00 AM. I have a mid morning snack at 10:30, lunch around 12:30, another mid-afternoon snack and I don't have dinner til round 7:00 PM. Anyway, I have noticed that since I started this job, I am eating a lot more solid food than I did before and I haven't been consistently eating more protein/calories to account for the increase in physical activity (walking to and from the bus stop). I also have been averaging like 1300-1400 calories and between 90-110 grams of protein, mostly all food and not shakes. My perception is that I am eating a lot more, but in reality I really wasn't. I used to start my day off with a 46 gram protein shake before I even left the house or within a 1/2 hour of getting to work, but now, my first meal of the day is solid food and I rarely have shakes anymore. I think the increase in solid food was a shock to my system which caused a lot of the problems I have been having with constipation, yellow poop, etc. In short, I am going to back off on eating so much solid food and go back to 1-2 protein shakes a day like I had done for months. I placed an order online for two containers of good old Nectar Roadside Lemonade. So, that is what I am going to do. I'm fairly confident that I have found the issue. We'll see. I know it seems like I am manic about this, but it drives me nuts to not know what the real issue is. I'm all about routine so if I can just nail down the right routine I need to follow, my mind will be at ease and I can't stop obsessing about this.

Yeah well, enough of that crap. I went to the bookstore (actually two) 4th of July and couldn't help myself and bought a slew of books and Moleskines. I took advantage of bargain tables and a couple "Buy X and get 1 free" promotions. You don't want to know how much I spent, but it was a good bit, not so much on the books, but on the Moleskines. I freakin' love those things. I highly, HIGHLY recommend them to anyone who is into journaling or anyone who is in search of a good notebook. They are a little pricey, but the large notebooks last me several months. I have one for notes for work, one for a personal journal, small ones for tracking to-do lists and for keeping favorite quotes, poems, favorite words, etc. I'm one of those types that are very particular about my writing materials so once I nail down something that works for me, I am all about it!

Anyway, a couple of the books I picked up I am really looking forward to reading. Unfortunately this past trip to the bookstore was unplanned so I didn't have any specific books in mind so I just browsed around and picked up a few that I had heard about in passing. I got "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy which I've already finished. Great book, very depressing (and nightmare inducing), but well worth the read. I plan on picking up McCarthy's other books as soon as I finish my current batch. I also picked up "Middlesex" by Jeffrey Eugenides who also wrote "The Virgin Suicides". I have seen the movie, but now want to read the book. I just started this book. Next in line are "The Tenth Circle" by Jodi Picoult and "The Memory of Running" by Ron McLarty. Before "The Road" I had been reading "Getting Things Done" by David Allen, a book I most certainly needed to read. I don't think I have ever mentioned this here before, but I was diagnosed with ADD back in my college years and was actually prescribed Ritalin, I stopped taking it within a couple of months, I didn't like how it made me feel (rapid heart rate) however I loved how it seemed to bring my life into focus. Ever since then, it's been a constant struggle to find strategies that I can employ in my life that help me stay focused. That's why I like writing/journaling so much and why I am a copious note-taker. My mind can wander within seconds, but if I wrote the shit down, I won't forget where I was before my mind wandered onto a totally different subject. Anyway, I think I may have found some gems in this book.

I love reading and it's something I picked up from my mom, she is a big reader and my youngest brother and I picked up on that a good bit, actually, I think many of my siblings have, now that I think about it. Mom reads close to a book a day. I am nowhere near that. I went to Oprah's website and printed out a list of all her Book Club books and I have read around 10 or so already. I am going to try to get through that list and then I'll try to find another to work off of. BTW, I am open to any recommendations.

It occurred to me this week that I have been writing this blog for over a year. Geez, it's hard to believe it's been that long. How times flies...

You know what my favorite days are? Grocery shopping day! Lame, I know, but I love the feeling of looking at a stocked refrigerator filled with with DS goodness, especially when there are a few new/different things. Yesterday I went grocery shopping and took my time for a change. I usually have a list that I work off of, but yesterday I went there and walked down every single aisle except for the obvious crap ones (cookies, cereal, etc.). I spent maybe $70 which is right on par for me which should last a good week and a half.

Well, today promises to be a laid back one, I picked up a couple of movies last night and am going to veg out and enjoy spending the day on my couch splitting my time between a movie or two and my books. Last couple of weeks have been crazy and I need to take it down a notch for at least a day.

Eh?

I swear I woke up this morning down an entire dress size. Ever experience that? I put on my khakis this morning and was like "wait a minute....these don't feel familiar." They felt unusually baggy, I didn't feel that way a few days ago, the last time I had them on.

Yesterday as I was waiting in the doctor's exam room (freezing my ass off), my thumbs caught my attention. Totally random, I know, but I was like, these don't look like my thumbs. My thumbs look 1/2 way normal. Trippy.

Speaking of freezing, I am always cold, it's insane. We've had pretty high temps here in Atlanta and it hasn't phased me at all. At work, I regularly make trips to the restroom, even if I don't have to go, just so that I can wash my hands under hot water because they are always freezing.

This morning I am down to 331.2, down 0.2 lbs. Woo-hoo....Oh well, at least it hasn't gone up. I'm a little disappointed because I should have crossed the 200lbs loss mark by now and as it is now, I am 15+ lbs away. I can't help but think that this is it for me. I had thoughts of maybe losing 225-230 lbs my first year, but now I'm not sure I will hit 200. I had hopes of seeing 299 on the scale, maybe 290 by my one year anniversary, but I don't even know. The worst part is knowing that I still have at least another 100 lbs to lose and if I can't even manage to lose 5 lbs in a month what hope do I have of hitting my ultimate goal? I know, I know, this is all fatalist talk, but damn, I can't help it.

To get myself out of this funk, I bought myself some geeky goodness. I just acquired a new computer that has a lot of new bells and whistles which I have yet to put it into production, but I plan to do some of that in the next couple of weeks. I just splurged and ordered myself two 22" LCD monitors for my home office, I plan to run them in a dual monitor setup. They are so pretty. I am currently using a 19" LCD and have managed fine, but it's time for an upgrade to go along with my new box. I was very, VERY tempted to buy one of those 30" displays mostly for the kick-ass factor alone, but spending $1200+ is just a bit much, especially since I can get two 22" for half that AND if I am so inclined, I can spend that other $600 on goodies for my camera! I also bought a few more pedestrian things like 2 GBs of RAM and a monitor cable, so once all the stuff arrives, I will be in geeky heaven.

Since my core hobby of photography is picking up steam, hopefully next year I will be able to buy a Mac with one of them 30" displays. It all hinges on my ability to justify spending like $4000 for a computer and monitor coupled with my ability to hopefully start doing some photography work professionally. I am buying a friend's used set of studio equipment and will set up a spare room in my house as a learning studio of sorts.

In due time....

Wouldn't you know it...

So it's been Poopfest 2007 this morning and wonder of all wonders, I finally ended up weighing in at 331.4 lbs this morning. Sigh. Dr.'s appointment is this afternoon and I anticipate frustrating the heck out of her...this ain't gonna be a 10 minute in and out kind of thing...We'll see how it goes.

Reality check....again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and (over)analyzing my nutrition over the last 2-3 weeks and I think I have pinpointed my problem. Stop me if you've heard this one before -- not enough protein. Here's how I came to this conclusion. I started working the new job May 21. This is not a physical job, but my entire day includes two hilly walks and a few trips up and down a flight of stairs. Much more exercise than I had been getting at my previous job. I think this increased activity warranted an increase in protein, not a lot, but I should have paid attention to this fact. Second, I stopped being anal about (1) what I eat and (2) tracking it. I had been eating breakfast at work (eggs & sausage) with my usual snacks (protein bar) and lunch and dinner without really ensuring that the numbers are where they should be. I've been eyeballing it for weeks and I shouldn't. I think -- no, I know -- my protein has been slipping and other crap had been finding it's way in. Then I went on vacation and although I was eating a lot, I wasn't in familiar territory and wasn't nearly eating as often and so when I started to really think about what I was eating during those 5 days, I was maybe getting in 60 or 70 grams of protein although at the time I thought I was doing okay. Big mistake, tack on all the late nights, more activity and voila!

I've been screwing up and I think a lot of that was the anxiety I was feeling about going home and seeing my family and just being in this weird "middle" space of my weight loss. Seeing the scale move up really messed with my brain and it's scary to feel those old feelings of being a failure and thinking this is as good as it gets. I am back on track and sitting here, I still find myself afraid that I broke my DS and I won't lose any more weight. It scares me that I had strayed so far from the path, y'know, and I found myself rationalizing it. I don't like it and it's something I need to work on and probably will need to work on for a very long time.

You'd think after 9 1/2 months I would know better, maybe I am hard headed, I don't know, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that this isn't it for me and that doing what I know to do will get the scale moving in the right direction. I seriously was not going to write this post, but I think it's important for everyone to see my mistakes as well as my successes. I am really, REALLY looking forward to my support group meeting Thursday, I need to go and need the reinforcement from my DS peeps.

Shitty

Everything, as of late (DS-wise) has been pure poo. Wanna know how much I weighed this morning? 340.8 lbs. How lovely. I weighed 339.0 on May 19th. This month, so far, I've gained 5.4 lbs. I am supposed to be losing weight, not gaining. I think my constipation issues are resolved, I guess I have something else going on. All I know is I am happy about two things, one, support group is Thursday and two, I am going back to the most basic of basics. I think that I have not been getting enough protein/nutrition, sometimes it is as simple as that. In efforts to avoid eating too much crap on vacation, I probably didn't eat enough. Since I started my new job May 21, I probably haven't getting enough protein to account for the increase in activity. Geez. Pisses me off, but I am committing to boosting my protein a good bit for the next week at least to see how it goes. I should be 320 +- a pound or two, not 340.

I could seriously cry, but I am not. There is a solution. I will find it.

Dr. M

So I broke down and wrote Dr. M today. This crap is totally bumming me out. I also broke down and took a dose of Milk of Magnesia and had a big poop, but not as big as I would have thought. I still feel clogged up. Sigh, this is depressing. Maybe I am not getting enough protein, I am drinking over 120 oz of water so I doubt that is it.

I know it is something (hopefully nothing serious), I just have to figure it out....