Sigh

I'm in one of those moods again, the ones where I feel like I'm so done trying to lose weight. We're closing in on 2 1/2 years, I've lost 285 lbs, I feel and look great (not perfect). I'm healthy, a million times happier and have done many of the things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight". I don't know why I get in these moods, but I think because well, it's been 2 1/2 years, shouldn't I be maintaining? I don't want to diet anymore. All I want to do is just focus on other things besides tracking weight loss. I want to drink my shake in the morning, my shake at night, take my supplements and live my life. 199 and 216 would be nice, but I'm not sure I want to do the work. This morning I weigh like 5 lbs over my lowest and the jeans I bought 6 weeks ago are too big now. It seems I can slowly shrink with little effort. My only problems arise when I don't get my protein in. When that happens, I gain a lot of water weight and as soon as I start getting it in, the weight falls off past my lowest previous weight. I just want to eat like a normal person, play tennis 2-3 times a week and focus on other stuff. I'm not sure 199 or 216 is what I truly want, it's chasing numbers. It would be nice to say I lost 300 lbs and it would be so awesome to see onderland, but maybe I worry about that stuff when it comes to start seriously thinking about plastics. I have so much excess skin that if I had it all removed, I'd easily be the size AND weight that I'd want to end up at. I figure ramping up to plastics would mean several months of getting into the best shape possible, maybe that's when I worry about losing those last 20 lbs or so.

I don't know. Maybe it's time to start really focusing on maintenance instead of weight loss and mostly focusing on other parts of my life. If I just hit my minimums of 150g of protein, 64 oz of sugar free fluid, all my supplements every day plus 2-3 days of tennis a week, then I'm good. I know I'll never be normal, that's what I signed up for when I had this surgery, but I want to be post-DS normal.

I did good, y'know. Not too shabby. Maybe it's time to really start enjoying the success.

Wow

I love my DS. So, as we all know, since Thanksgiving my eating had been crazy, not enough protein, FAR too many carbs, too much sugar, etc., etc. While it was fun, one thing I did notice was how fatigue and sort of listless I was feeling. I still had maybe 100g of protein, still took my supplements and played tennis 1-2 times a week, but I didn't feel like my normal self. I hadn't been weighing daily like I usually did and so the weight started to creep up. Here's the funny thing about my weight gain, it's all water, I never gain fat, in fact over the course of the last 8 weeks, while the scale went up, my clothes fit the same. My lowest weight ever was 231.2 lbs. This past Monday, I topped the scale at 266.0 lbs. That's a weight gain of roughly 35 lbs. Crazy, huh?! This morning, after eating like a good DS-er all week, my weight dropped down to 238.2 lbs. That's a loss of almost 28 lbs in like 5 days. I know you don't gain 35 lbs of fat in 5 weeks and if you never gained it, you can't lose 28 lbs of it in 5 days. I seem to be one of those people who can gain water weight very rapidly. Tuesday-Friday, I peed it all off, seriously, I was going to the bathroom to tinkle, like 10-12 times a day. I had actually anticipated not getting back to where I was til the end of the month, but it seems like I can maybe get there sooner which would be awesome. The DS rocks the box, it's a possibility that after all the water weight is gone, I might have actually dropped a few pounds of fat!

I've been working hard at getting my business started. I've been spending a lot of time talking with future clients, industry experts and contacts, something I didn't do hardly any of when I worked with my old business partner. She was more than happy to relegate me to the sidelines and I was more than content to sit there. At 500+ lbs it's hard to portray confidence. Now that I am close to normal, I don't have much of that anxiety and fear. I do have a ways to go though, but I am aware of it and am working on it. Anyway, I had been in preliminary discussion with a new potential business partner, we've been talking high level and trying to meet regularly to work a few things out. I've had a good 9 years of working at small startups so I know what it's like, he really hasn't and although we're good friends, I don't think I will be business partners with him. Part of it is, he's always late. Always. Now, maybe I'm anal, maybe it's the fact that I grew up with a dad who was in the army and has never been late in his life, maybe it's genetics, I don't know, but I hate tardiness. Hate it - however, I'm not a Nazi about it. I know sometimes, stuff happens, that's life, but for chrissakes, give me a call, let me know you're running late. It's so disrespectful and I don't think he gets that his chronic tardiness is basically saying "my time is more important that yours, Tia" and that just grates on my nerves. I don't think he's intentionally thinking that, but it is what it is.

This is also brings up issues of dependability. I don't truly feel like he's all that dependable. I know he's smart and hard working and persistent, but I don't know that I can trust him to be on time for a meeting with a client, or get things done when we need them to. He's far too laissez-faire for me. I just don't think it'll work out. That is what my gut is telling me and I need to listen to it, even if it means temporarily damaging our friendship. Doing a business together would do infinitely more damage and frankly, I'm not into babysitting right now. I'm not interested in wondering how late he's going to be, wondering if he did what he said he was going to do, etc. Not in the mood right now. Thankfully, nothing has been signed, it's all just talk, so I'll be wrapping it up with him soon.

Today, it's time to run some errands! Woo-hoo! Gonna go for a walk and/or hit some tennis balls, I have a group lesson on Sunday and want to be prepared. Then it's off to the grocery store for my weekly food shopping and I have to get an emergency stash of protein powder since my order from Vitalady won't be here til Friday. After that, it's a little house cleaning, then a few hours of business development stuff, maybe a little database design, then I'm off to a birthday dinner & party for a friend.

Have a good one, y'all!