Par-tay + Lost

So I've been looking forward to this gathering thingy tonight for several days now and for some reason, last night and this morning I've been hit with a fair amount of trepidation about it. Those old feelings of fear are creeping back into my consciousness when socializing comes into play. I guess what makes me anxious is that I don't have those one or two "safe" people to tag along with when I usually go to these types of things. There could be zero people there that I know and those situations I tend to do poorly in...historically, anyway. I'm just not very good at those types of situations, but the weight loss does help. 265+ lbs ago, there would no way in hell I'd be going, no way, not even a consideration. Now, it is a consideration, it's just a mental thing at this point.

A cool thing about it is that it's an opportunity to look cute. I love looking cute, I'm hoping I can look cute tonight. It's not a formal affair, sort of a happy hour kind of thing, I'm guessing since it's like 6:30 PM on so I can't imagine many people dressing up for it, I assume most will be barely business casual which is typical for the industry. I will probably wear a nice pair of jeans and a nice blouse and some cute shoes (God help me). My hair will be done and I will have some nice jewelry. I haven't crossed the makeup threshold yet so there will be none of that. So I should look okay.

The only problem with tonight is that it's also the season finale for my current obsession, Lost. What were they thinking?!? Thank God for DVR's or else that joint would be empty!

I never had a chance to see my PCP this month so it's going to be a priority next week. When I was in Texas, I checked my blood pressure everyday with my dad's machine and it was consistently in the 95-105/55-75 range. I think that's pushing being too low so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Dr. B. will take me off the meds for good. I sometimes do get lightheaded when I stand up quickly so keep your fingers crossed that the meds are out the door!

I made a refill order with Vitalady for all my necessities earlier this week so I should fully back on track starting this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to starting fresh, if you will. Eating clean and drinking my water like I should always makes me just feel better, regardless of how friendly the scale is. I've been feeling a little sluggish lately so it'll be good to do things right.

Anywho, I've got a crap load of work to do before I can call it a day and breakfast is getting cold...

Just as I thought...

... coming home has been rough. I haven't much been in the mood for much of anything lately and work has been a pain in the ass. I was looking forward to my tennis lesson yesterday, but it got canceled because of the holiday, so I opted to watch a Law & Order: Criminal Intent marathon on my couch. Yes, exciting stuff. I plan to go out today and actually be social, maybe head out to the park and hit some tennis balls.

I haven't much felt like blogging, at times I feel like there is too much ground to cover, but mostly I feel like there isn't much to say. I almost feel like I need to hit the reset button to get things, my routine, my life going again. I did go out and actually enjoyed myself Saturday afternoon, a little retail therapy never hurts! I mostly bought things for the house, some new rugs, some artwork, etc. It was fun and nice to get out and get my mind off of things. I came home afterwards and started on decluttering my house even more. After a few hours of that I have seven bags of stuff that I took to Goodwill with the promise of even more. Expunging that crap is somewhat liberating.

I love my DS, it's truly an amazing thing. I've been eating like total crap lately, like for the past several weeks and still I get smaller although the scale isn't so kind. I'm not too worried. I'm essentially at my doctor's goal and could stop losing weight and be considered a rousing success. I have different ambitions, of course, I'm looking to lose around 50-60 more by the end of the year which I think is more than doable. I found a pair of 16's that I snagged a couple months ago from a friend at support group who had brought in a lot of her old clothes. I can't get them past my hips, when I can and they actually look good and I can breathe in them, I'd seriously consider myself done.

There is a big shin-dig this Thursday night that I am very much looking forward to. It's a gathering of internet/web creative types with cocktails and such. I should see a lot of my old colleagues, folks I haven't seen in years, it'll be nice to see their reactions. Hopefully, I'll meet some interesting people with interesting things to say and hopefully I can look cute! I'm sure I will!

Happy Memorial Day, y'all! Much love to all the veterans, soldiers and their families! I'm an Army brat so I certainly understand what Memorial Day is all about. Much love to my dad today! He served a tour in Korea and three tours in Vietnam, he's gotten several commendations, a Purple Heart and 2 or 3 Bronze Stars. Today, I know he remembers the friends he's lost in both those wars and I'm sure it ain't easy.

Anywho, gonna get some work done this AM and then get the heck out of here! I advise all of y'all to head out and get some sun as well!

Where do I start...

... well, I am still in Texas and should be back in Atlanta sometime on Tuesday. Dad has been through a lot, but thank God above, he is well on his way to being 100%, although it looks like it will take some time. I don't have the energy to go into all the details (as this has been such an emotional and physical roller coaster), but boy, I have to say that was one of the most difficult weeks of my entire life, I certainly feel like I've tapped some reserves of strength that I didn't know I had. I feel like I can leave here knowing that mom and dad will be okay. I am also a little frustrated, for the most part I've carried the burden myself, my brother who flew in a few days ago is utterly useless, it's incredibly frustrating. He was born a full 10 years after my sister and was spoiled absolutely rotten and hasn't managed to slough off any of his old tendencies in the past 10-15 years. I was born 1.5 years after him and I get called spoiled, but I'd argue I am anything but. I've been running around for over a week handling practically everything, he spent the last few days bitching about how hot it is, complaining about nothing being on TV and rolling his eyes when asked to do the slightest thing or God forbid, pay for his own meal every now and again. My mistake for thinking he might actually show some maturity at a time like this. Sigh. My expectations of him are now sufficiently lower.

It is going to be HARD leaving here in a couple of days, I'm not sure how I will do it, but I will. I'm exhausted, emotionally and mentally mostly, not so much physically although I tend to get really physically tired by the end of the day. I have been trying to get in over 120+ grams of protein but I honestly don't know. The last few days I've been drinking at least one 52g protein shake and have been trying to get in 1 or 2 Atkins ready-to-drink ones. My diet has kinda sucked, I'm just too busy and wired to really focus on it, but I'm mindful of at least getting in the bare minimum protein and needless to say the carbs have been a bit out of control. Oh well, I'm not too concerned about that right now. I have been taking my supplements though, at least the daily ones. It's been tough getting in the Calcium, but I'll pop a couple of chewable tablets when I remember to do so. Instead of water, I've been drinking lots of diet beverages, at least it's not full sugar ones. I also have no idea how much I weigh, don't really care right now.

I reckon when I get back to Atlanta and have resettled into my routine that the weight of all of this will hit me at some point. My mind, right now, is really focused on accomplishing the list of things I need to do before I leave. Getting those things done will really ease my mind.

Have I mentioned how exhausted I am, yet? Well, I am. Unbelievable.

F*ck

I am headed home to Texas in the morning, dad's currently in surgery for pericardial effusion due to chronic kidney diseas. If you're the praying/swinging chickens/vou-dou/positive-vibes type, would appreciate it right about now.

Hot!

Went to my tennis lesson today. We learned backhand volley's and backhand strokes. It was way fun! I feel like I am learning much faster than with my other instructor. The people in my class are cool as well. It was only around 75° outside, but it felt like it's 90° We played on clay courts so maybe that has something to do with it. We also did quite a bit of running around. We have next Sunday off BUT we will have a two hour session the following Sunday, kinda worried about that, but I'm sure we'll have a water break or two. Good stuff! Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tennis? I don't feel like I'm exercising when I play, granted, I'm in the learning stages so it's lots of instruction and drills, but I'm never constantly checking the time to find out if it's time to quit, every little thing I learn about or improve upon just makes me want to do it more and I'm fairly confident that someday I can get decent at it. When I run, my mind is always on something else, when I play tennis, it's only on playing tennis. As soon as my beginner clinic is over, I am moving to the 2nd level and will supplement that class with a weekly drill class.

Went out last night and got home relatively early, around 2 AM. It was okay, not what I expected, but it was good to go out. Weight this morning continues to drop, weighed in at 260.6, that's down over 10 lbs in 3 days....gotta love water weight! I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working. I do feel better as well. It's still 10+ lbs from my lowest, but it took me over 3 weeks to get into this predicament, so it'll take some time to get back to normal.

BP is not too pleased with me. She's not mad, but I can tell something is bothering her, she's been playing a few passive aggressive games, been flippant, etc. I only 1/2 care. I think the problem is that when I was 500+ lbs, she could always count on me having no life, not leaving my house and spending my free time at the computer doing work or lending a sympathetic ear to all her issues. Not so much now. I hardly work on the weekends anymore and frankly our business is at the point where the long, tedious days are behind us. I'm not sure what her deal is, like I mentioned before I do think she is having some issues with her own weight gain and I do feel some sympathy because God knows I know how difficult life can be when you feel you are too heavy, I suspect deep down she doesn't like the fact that I am more active, that I do have some semblance of a social life. I don't exactly have the social life I ultimately want, but it is greatly improved and I'm not going to be or feel "stuck" anymore. It seems like I wasn't the only one comfortable with my past life. Not that I think I'm the center of the universe or anything, but it's always interesting for me to see how my weight loss affects other people.

Out and about.

Got a busy day today. We have a staff meeting today which will kill a few hours and then I have to play tech support and upgrade software on several company computers and troubleshoot a laptop that has Vista on it. My gut reaction is to say "I hate Vista" but I don't use Vista, I'm sticking with the nightmare I'm already familiar with - XP. I have to go to the bank and I want to sneak in some tennis today, but I'm not sure I can before it gets dark.

The protein bar that almost killed me yesterday was ISS OhYeah! Protein Wafer described as "A Scrumptious Creme Filled Wafer Loaded with Protein". Uhm, no, tastes like shit.

Weighed in at 266 lbs this morning, down 5 lbs from yesterday after a day where I consumed (mostly through shakes/drinks) almost 300 grams of protein. That number is a little suspect because I'm not sure of the quality of the two shakes I drank in the morning. Do protein mixes degrade over time? Still a good 15 lbs over where I was, but making progress. The body is an amazing thing, ain't it? I just have to be more careful when it comes to protein, I should not have gone weeks and weeks without getting in adequate protein, part of the reason is the traveling and subsequent sickness, but if nothing else, I need to consistently track my food in Fitday, well at least track my protein. I never have low protein days when I track my food.

Ok, then, time to get moving. Already had an Isopure this morning and will make breakfast in a few minutes. My meeting is at noon, so I will grab a couple of Isopure's as I walk out the door, one for during the meeting and one for a few hours later. It seems like a lot but I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Gag

Here's a tip...when you see protein bars in the bargain bin for 59¢, know that they are there for a reason. Do not ever think they might taste okay, because they DO NOT. Blech! So, it's freakin' beautiful here in Atlanta so I went out and ran and then hit some tennis balls on the hand ball courts for 1/2 an hour. Afterwards, I feeling a little lightheaded so I ventured off to the nearby GNC because I had to pick up some probiotics and wanted to pick up some Isopure Zero Carb RTD's because I gotta push the protein pretty hard the next couple of days. Anyway, right by the counter in a cute little basket are these protein bars for 59¢ so I figure, what the hell, I buy a couple and scarf one down so I won't pass out. Big mistake. Let me ask you a question, your mouth isn't supposed to TINGLE and feel NUMB when you eat a protein bar, is it? Christ Almighty, never again!

TMI-time. I spent a good portion of my night last night pooping foamy poop. Good times. And of course when I get on the scale this morning it reads, 271.0 lbs. WTF?!? I ain't panicking just yet, I want to get in 4-5 days of high protein, low carbs before I start freakin' out. I have to say though, the nice weather works wonders for my mood and overall mental health! During the day, I am no longer freezing! Woo-hoo!