F*ck

I am headed home to Texas in the morning, dad's currently in surgery for pericardial effusion due to chronic kidney diseas. If you're the praying/swinging chickens/vou-dou/positive-vibes type, would appreciate it right about now.

Must be the drugs.

Warning: Lots of whining ahead!

I can't taste my food. My taste buds are numb from this stupid cold/allergy attack, which by the way, is a very strange thing. I'm nursing a protein shake right now and I can barely taste it. It's like it had 1/10th of it's normal taste. I can't even smell it.

Last night was a bad night. I went to bed at 9:00 PM and only slept til around midnight, I took another round of drugs and tossed and turned til 3 AM. I was up for an hour, drank a cup of chicken broth and went back to bed. Got up at 7 AM for more drugs and then slept til just past 10 AM. I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at a whopping 259.2 lbs. WTF?!? It then occurred to me that I haven't exactly been eating all that much and sure as hell haven't been getting in my fluids. I'm retaining water like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. I hate being sick. I feel miserable and find myself in a foul mood. All I want to do is crawl in my bed and drink warm liquids. It's not fun. I actually had a short tear-filled moment early this afternoon. Yeah, I can be a wuss sometimes, I guess I'm frustrated because I should be feeling better, not worse. Seriously, how much snot can one person generate?!? I think what is happening is the cold itself is winding down, but the allergy crap is reaching it's apex.

As if all the coughing and sneezing and nose-blowing weren't enough, my ears are clogged which is throwing my equilibrium way off AND I can't hear worth crap. I made my way to the grocery store again convinced that I needed more (better) drugs and it felt like I was in a fog. I also bought some good old fashioned chicken soup and had a nice bowl of that for lunch. That was the highlight of my day. I also picked up some of those super-soft facial tissues which are a gift from God.

On a completely unrelated note, a friend emailed me a recent photo of Guy from this past weekend. Seeing it brings back a flood of emotions which just make my head that much more foggy. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me right now to think to hard about whatever it is I would like to resolve with him. He's still a very tricky issue in my life, he may forever be, but luckily not something I need to really worry about. He does look good though. I can't lie about that.

Ugh. I'm tired, I'm going to get me a bowl of soup and call it a day.

Sick

Around 5 o'clock yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks and I ended up not going to Support Group meeting. I had the chills, was still pretty exhausted and felt crappy overall. Kim called me around 5:30 or so as the gang was planning to meet out for dinner before Support Group, but I just couldn't do it. I think I went to sleep around 6 PM and got up maybe once or twice for vitamins and/or broth, then I was out cold by 9 PM and I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM. I don't feel too horrible at the moment although I do have a sore throat and I'm trying really hard not to cough. My sinuses are pretty clear, although a little runny. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by Sunday afternoon I will be well enough for tennis.

I took my first dose of Dostinex last night. I wanted to wait til I got back from my trip just in case it caused any side effects that I didn't want to deal with away from home. I take one pill once a week at night on an empty stomach. Doing so allegedly helps mitigate potential negative side effects (nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, etc.) I have a slight headache, but I had one yesterday so go figure.

Today is supposed to be another beautiful day in Atlanta, I think the high will approach 77°. I'm going to try to get out and get some sun, maybe take a walk or something, get some fresh air. I still need to go get groceries...and go to the bank... I may also go ahead and try to get some tennis clothes while I am out. We'll see.

I don't have the slightest idea what I weigh, I haven't gotten on the scale since before I left and honestly, I don't care at the moment. I'll weigh tomorrow.

Texas, here I come!

The concert last night was AWESOME! I had so much fun and how nice was it to go out with my friends and just have a great night. I danced for probably three hours straight! Mary J. Blige was fantastic, everything I thought and more. She sang her heart out and I was delighted to see that I wasn't the only Mary-fanatic there. I never realized I knew the words to practically all her songs! My favorites of the night were Just Fine, I'm Going Down, No More Drama and Stay Down. Just wonderful! If I ever have the chance to see her again, I certainly will. I was a little concerned about how she'd come off in a big arena (15-20K folks), but she was spectacular.

On a less happy note, my freakin' innards are killing me! It feels like I am digesting rocks. Ugh. I think this is a side effect or prolonged constipation, bad enough to have too much excess stomach acid wreaking havoc or some other such craziness going on. Monday, except for a mild breakfast, all I had was chicken broth and protein drinks. Yesterday, same thing except we went to Waffle House and I ate 1/3 of a cheese & ham omelet. This morning more protein drinks and broth and I finally had a hot dog mid afternoon. Tonight I actually feel so much better. I only felt this bad once before and this was right around the time I went to Urgent Care and then eventually the gastroenterologist and he diagnosed the ulcer. It felt like my intestines were inflamed. Sucks. I'm going to continue to take it easy for the next few days til I am back to speed. I hate this crap. My weight has surprisingly been up around 254-255. I won't be weighing for over a week so we'll see how things are when I get home.

I am on my way to Texas tomorrow and I still have plenty to do before my flight. I am ready to go and have a little break. With the concert and trying to cram work in before I leave, I haven't been getting enough sleep so I am exhausted. My goal is to sleep as much as I can on the flight and probably a little once I get there. Besides that, I plan to just hang out with the fam and chill out a little bit. I will try to blog while I am there, but I won't make any guarantees.

BatSh!tInsane

I spent the better half of the day along with a good chunk of our staff dealing with two crazy customers. One is a guy who called our business number 40+ times within a few hours breathing heavily into the phone. One rep stated she heard a lot of rustling in the background...now what do you think that @sshole was doing? Pervert. His last call was to menacingly tell one rep that he was in the woods in the back of her house. Jerk. Our phone system is fairly sophisticated so he doesn't know we know who he is. Idiot. Goddamn, some people are just batshit crazy. Then there's another @sshole who is pitching a fit and threatening us non-stop because one of the warehouses mis-shipped a $15 item. It happens, we ship tons of stuff every day, mistakes happen and we were in the process of rectifying it, not even waiting for him to ship the product back to us (at our cost) before shipping out the correct one. This dude goes ballistic calling one of reps all manner of profane names, threatening lawsuits and bodily harm, blah blah blah. Y'know, I tell ya one thing, it's kind of like that saying: "it's easy being brave from a distance", well it's easy being an @sshole/jerk/b@stard/etc. from a distance. Why do people feel it is okay to act like that? I will never understand... My mom refers to that behavior as lack of home training. Both these geniuses will be finding out just how brave they really are.

Breathe....breathe. Okay, time to get ready to go to support group meeting.

Good News, Bad News

Last night I pulled out a 2-liter of Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash in preparation of fixing myself a nice tall cool glass when "a pint is a pound the world around" popped in my head. I had heard Alton Brown say it a few times on Good Eats. It occurred to me to see if it was true so I put the 2-liter on my scale. It said 4.4 lbs. Now a 2-liter bottle is 64 oz, which is 4 pints, which should be 4 lbs. Ok, I thought and fixed my drink and sat down. Then I got to thinking. Does an empty 2-liter bottle really weigh 0.4 lbs? Hmmm. So I got up and grabbed my 20 lb weight and put it on my scale. In the past, it's always weighed correctly, last night it said 21.6 lbs. Ok. So I grabbed two 15 lb weights and weighed those with the 20 lb one. 51.8 lbs. Not good. So my scale which had been spot-on accurate for over year is not any more. Good news because, hopefully, it means I weigh less than what the scale has been telling me, bad news, now I have to go buy a new scale.

My "H" problem in ongoing and now I am constipated because pooping, quite frankly, is painful. Sigh. Time for stool softeners I think. Ugh.

How ironic that the day after I buy my winter jacket it'll be 72 degrees and partly cloudy.

Support Group is tomorrow! Have I told you how excited I am about it?!? Only like 50 times, right?

My Ass Hurts

Warning: Way, way TMI Alert!

Oh. My. God. Usually when I say my ass hurts, it's usually about the decreasing amount of padding in that region, but today is about the much dreaded "H" word ... hemorrhoids. So incredibly painful. I'd felt a little ... "aggravation" down there for the past couple of days, but I just figured it was due to all the wiping from the previous few days, but then Friday through last night, I'd been really constipated and then 'rhoids made their existence known with a vengeance. Thankfully I ran out to the grocery store to get some Preparation H (stuff is expensive, but worth it). My first poop was firm and nearly brought me to tears, the other 10 or so have been liquidy and were initially not as painful, but the last couple were. Ugh. Ugh. I guess I've earned another DS badge. Not too happy about that. I took a long hot shower and then went to bed and it took me about an hour for the pain to subside so that I could fall asleep. All I can hope for is this to get progressively better. Ouch. At least this morning I can sit down like a normal person.

Anyway while I was at the store, I also picked up two packs of turkey drumsticks to be slow cooked at some point this week. Yum. I will probably cook them Wednesday so that I can have plenty over the weekend through to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is more about the ham for me than turkey. Speaking of, I think I will opt for the baked macaroni & cheese and then make a couple of mama's sweet potato pies.

I weighed in this morning only because I wanted to see what the progress was given all the pooping I did yesterday and the scale said 274.4 lbs. Cool, not bad. I had a few pickles last night...every now and then I just have a craving for them, don't know why so I probably had too much and am retaining water. Oh well, it will resolve itself soon enough.

Well, I have a lunch meeting this afternoon at Chili's so I gotta scope out their menu online to see what I can eat, then I have to try to find something good for my dad for his birthday. He's a tough guy to shop for, but you know dads and their daughters, he'll love anything I get him.

Girls Night In

So last night I decided to go, it was both a good and bad idea. The purpose of the whole thing was to celebrate the divorce filings for a friend of mine. Typically, I am not one to take joy in someone else's agony, but her soon to be ex-husband is a true bastard. We basically ate Mexican food (beef enchiladas), they drank (I didn't) and watched a movie. There were kids there and at some point I got talked into playing monster with them and spent a good hour or so chasing three screaming little girls around the house. I'll pause a moment and reflect on this because I actually had the energy to do it. I actually ran around the house, up and down stairs, crouched behind furniture and it was fun. Do I even need to say how impossible this was pre-surgery? It was fun and it was so cool to be able to do that kind of thing. What is so interesting to me is that when I hear about how post-WLS folks talk about being treated differently because they are now thin, I can't fully relate, but I will tell you this, I do notice the difference with kids. I noticed it back in June at my family reunion when it was like I suddenly came into existence with several of my nieces and nephews and became just another "auntie". I noticed it with my friend's 3 girls because now, all of a sudden, they want to play with me. It's so cool, because in my past, it was never really adults who I feared would say something disparaging to me about my obesity, it was kids so to now have that complete 180 is just divine because I really like kids.

The "bad idea" of this whole thing is that I still can not shake this cold and it is taking it's toll. On my way home this morning, I had to stop buy and pick up some drugs from Kroger and hopefully they will help. I was going to go with the elixirs but I didn't see any diabetic/sugar free kind and I was too lazy to go down to Publix down the street where I know they sell sugar free cold medicine. I am completely worn out and I just finished a protein shake, will make me some eggs & bacon (or maybe some soup) in an hour or so and then it's nap-time for Tia. I'm not running a fever, but I am freezing my butt off. Sigh.

My poop as of late has been liquidy and kinda foamy ... TMI, I know. I may be eating too much fat (KFC). I am going to pick up another bucket today, but I am going to freeze most of it and try to not eat so much on any given day, that should help. I think the protein shakes are also a cause, but can't do anything about that right now.

I weighed in this morning at 281.4 lbs. Total loss of 235.2 lbs. Woo-hoo! Slowly, but surely....

Low Protein...

Oh boy. I have not been getting enough protein and I am feeling the effects physically and seeing the effects on the scale. I allowed my very bad case of food aversion to get the best of me. I got off my diuretics a couple of days ago because I still felt a tightness in my legs which is a classic sign of low-protein and I didn't think it was a good idea to stay on them if they were hiding symptoms of something more important. So today I went out to GNC and bought a case of Isopure Zero Carb RTD bottles, each having 40g of protein each. I also went out and bought a bucket of chicken. Each leg/thigh combo has around 33g of protein and around 11g carbs. My plan is to get in 200+ grams of protein a day. I'm gonna drink 3 Isopures a day until my order from Vitacost comes. My problem is that I just can't eat that much, not as much as I could, I'm not sure why, I probably need to nurse my ulcer a little more and I think "large" volumes of food cause me issues. So I'm doing 3 protein drinks a day and 2 meals. That should be good. Yesterday I tried to get in all in food, but failed miserably.

My weight this morning was 289.2 lbs which is ludicrous but indicative of (1) getting off the diuretics and (2) not eating enough. Hopefully in a week or so, things will change.

Ever vigilant...

Another long night....

Thankfully, my headache is, for the most part, gone, but last night was brutal. First of all, I could not get warm. I went to bed around 10:30 PM which is early for me, I didn't even get to finish watching Damages. I hadn't had the air on all day and the thermostat read 83 degrees. I settled in my normal shorts & t-shirt and I had a sheet, my big duvet AND a thick blanket and I snuggled in bed. Now, the headache I had was one of those where you can feel your heartbeat radiate in your head. Sucks. Lots of throbbing pain. I tried to lie still but the throbbing continued and I couldn't sleep. Around 11:45 I got a phone call from a friend and I talked to her for a couple of minutes then tried to go to sleep. No go. Then around 2:15 AM, another freaking phone call from another friend who just wanted to talk, so I chatted with him til around 3. By then I was on fire and sweating pretty profusely. I got up, cranked the air on, took some Tylenol and with an hour or so I was asleep. I woke up around 7 and went to potty and went back to bed. I finally got up at around 9 AM with no headache, just some intermittent throbbing. So weird, but I am happy it is gone. I think BP triggered a migraine. Grrrrrr.

Anyway, I've been eating very clean the last couple of days and I weighed in this morning at 286.6 lbs which makes it an even 230 lbs lost so far. Just a little 28 lbs away from losing 1/2 my body weight. Craziness. I still don't think I am eating enough and I am looking forward to cranking it up when I get home.

Today I have to run out and pick up some supplies to take with me to Barbados. I am going to pick up some protein bars, one of those Rubbermaid type water bottles that I can fill up and take with me on my jaunts around the island, some more multivitamins, some baby wipes (just in case) and some sunflower seed kernels - man, I am addicted to this stuff, perfectly satisfies my desire for salty crunchy snacks. Each 1 oz serving has 170 calories, 15g fat, 5g carbs (4g fiber) and 6g of protein. Yum.

The next 24 hours are going to hectic. I have to wrap up a bunch of work, get my hair done, do laundry, pack and a few other tidbits. Hopefully I can get it all done AND sneak in a couple hours of sleep!

Missing: Nailah Franklin

Chicago woman missing since Tuesday

I don't know how much help this can do, but I am putting this out there anyway. I do not know Nailah, but I know her sister Leah. Leah and I went to college together and I can not imagine what her and her family are going through. I just hope that maybe someone out there knows something about where Nailah is and that she is safe and will be returning home soon.

Keeping my fingers crossed and sending my prayers up...

3rd Quarter Whinefest... You have been warned!!!

I am having a hard time of it all. Mentally I am not in the game and have little motivation to figure out why. My lack of blogging is a direct result of me feeling, well, tired of doing all this. I am incredibly bored with food, I have essentially been eating the same thing for over a year and I am tired of it, I tell ya, TIRED OF IT. If I eat another egg or protein shake or bar or piece of bacon or sausage or piece of chicken, I just might have to jab a fork in my eye! I'm not sure what to do. I just want to eat normal food and not have to watch carbs. I want to eat cheese. I just want to be normal already. I want to weigh 199 lbs already, but nooooo, I have another 100 lbs to lose for crying out loud! ARGH.

I want to curse, I want spew forth all manner of profanity, but I can't bring myself to do it, at least not on here.

I find myself with zero motivation. I'm tired of plugging away, I'm tired of drinking water and taking vitamins. I'm so over it. My skin is flabby, it's like I'm wearing heavy, clumsy, over-sized clothes that I can't take off. My calves are flabby. My head is ginormous. All these bones are popping up, making themselves known. I feel like I am withering away. WTF?!?

I have to go home to see about my parents next week because my idiot siblings, all of whom are older than me, can't seem to get their shit together and come up with some kind of manageable, actionable plan to make sure our parents are taken care of. These are the same folks who are going to be so guilt-ridden when our parents are gone. I made a promise to myself that I was not going to have any regrets when it comes to mom and dad, I will never have to feel guilty about them. Not me, it's just annoying that those that are so close are so full of themselves that they can't find their way to do the right thing. Very annoying.

I'm annoyed with my business partner. I am annoyed with her daughter. How is it that I am in the middle of their crap? How freakin' hard is it for two people not to yell at each other at every given opportunity? I don't get it. God, if y'all can't figure out a way to speak like normal people, then stay away until you can! Must you bait each other all the time??? Christ Almighty!!!

Good grief. I need some kind of emotional boost or a vacation or something. Thank God my support group meeting is this Thursday, I really need it.

I am holding steady at 292.0 lbs which is mostly due to the never-ending constipation, the bane of my existence. Why can't I have normal DS poop?

Gah! I'm going to bed!

I was mistaken

Chicken is not my friend. I decided on chicken drumsticks for dinner and I got through the first one okay, then 5 minutes later it all came back up. Ugh. UNCLE. I give up.

Miserable

I feel like crap, this is not going to be a good post...

Weighed in at 317.2 lbs this morning ... up almost 10 lbs for the month! WTF? Been averaging 1500 calories, around 130g of protein since Tuesday. Been drinking 130+ oz a water.

I think I broke my DS. I would cry, but I don't have the energy to right now.

Just call me Puffy. Woke up with a puffy face. Sinuses ache. Ears are on fire. Legs feel like they weigh a ton. I feel like everything I drink is sticking around.

I am freezing.

Going to see the doc tomorrow, unfortunately, my PCP is not available, have to deal with the useless Dr. (not the good one) Smith again.

Sigh.

Yes, I am whining.

Sigh...

311.8 lbs this morning. Got a call from the doc's office, endoscopy tomorrow afternoon. A little worried. Not too keen on tiny camera going down my throat. Keeping fingers crossed.

The next level

Well, it's a done deal. I am going to the Dr.'s tomorrow. Weighed in at 335.8 this morning so the weight is creeping back up after all that. I have no idea why. The edema is mostly gone so why no real change in weight? I am like 15-17 lbs over where I should be, it's been over a month and no progress. I weighed in at 332 on the 1st or 2nd of the month. I just don't feel like myself and I'm not convinced that stomach virus I had at the beginning of the month was actually a stomach virus. I just don't feel like I have the vigor and energy like I did a month ago. My walk from work to the bus stop has not been as easy as it was when I first did it. Maybe I have some kind of blockage or something, I don't know, but I still have that lingering uncomfortable feeling at the top of my abdomen that I can't seem to shake. I don't know it just seems too much of a coincidence and I don't believe in coincidences.

I had half a cup of corn Saturday night and it has not made an appearance. Anyway, I plan to spend a good bit of time tonight being prepared. My doc knows I had a DS and is vaguely familiar, but I want to make sure she can be as educated as possible and set me on the right path to my old self.

I don't believe in random, indiscriminate stalls. Something is going on, I'm going to figure it out.

Shitty times 2

It's official now. Time to get real depressed. Today I weighed in at 341.6 lbs, a month ago, May 20th, I also weighed in at 341.6 so I've lost absolutely nothing in a month. Yippee... Believe you me I am trying to be rational, but it's awful hard and now I am just bitching just to bitch. I'm having such a crappy week on a few fronts, I might as well whine. My lower legs look like logs. Used to be I could at least count on the scale to make me happy every now and then and now it seems even it has failed me this week. How apropos.

Food yesterday:

M1: Muscle Milk protein drink
M2: 2 scrambled eggs 1 breakfast sausage links (the little ones)
M3: Muscle Milk protein drink
M4: 3 breakfast sausage links
M5: Grilled fish in garlic butter sauce
M6: Deli turkey & hard salami
M7: Baked grouper w/ a few green beans

All my water & vitamins. That amounted to over 2100 calories, 190+ grams of protein.

Today

M1: Muscle Milk protein drink
M2: Baked chicken wings
M3: Muscle Milk protein drink
M4: Baked chicken wings
M5: Muscle Milk protein drink
M6: Two scrambled eggs w/ deli turkey

1800+ calories, 150+ grams protein so far. You can see how unmotivated I am right now about what I eat.

I feel more constipated than usual. Just makes my frickin week .....

Reality check....again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and (over)analyzing my nutrition over the last 2-3 weeks and I think I have pinpointed my problem. Stop me if you've heard this one before -- not enough protein. Here's how I came to this conclusion. I started working the new job May 21. This is not a physical job, but my entire day includes two hilly walks and a few trips up and down a flight of stairs. Much more exercise than I had been getting at my previous job. I think this increased activity warranted an increase in protein, not a lot, but I should have paid attention to this fact. Second, I stopped being anal about (1) what I eat and (2) tracking it. I had been eating breakfast at work (eggs & sausage) with my usual snacks (protein bar) and lunch and dinner without really ensuring that the numbers are where they should be. I've been eyeballing it for weeks and I shouldn't. I think -- no, I know -- my protein has been slipping and other crap had been finding it's way in. Then I went on vacation and although I was eating a lot, I wasn't in familiar territory and wasn't nearly eating as often and so when I started to really think about what I was eating during those 5 days, I was maybe getting in 60 or 70 grams of protein although at the time I thought I was doing okay. Big mistake, tack on all the late nights, more activity and voila!

I've been screwing up and I think a lot of that was the anxiety I was feeling about going home and seeing my family and just being in this weird "middle" space of my weight loss. Seeing the scale move up really messed with my brain and it's scary to feel those old feelings of being a failure and thinking this is as good as it gets. I am back on track and sitting here, I still find myself afraid that I broke my DS and I won't lose any more weight. It scares me that I had strayed so far from the path, y'know, and I found myself rationalizing it. I don't like it and it's something I need to work on and probably will need to work on for a very long time.

You'd think after 9 1/2 months I would know better, maybe I am hard headed, I don't know, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that this isn't it for me and that doing what I know to do will get the scale moving in the right direction. I seriously was not going to write this post, but I think it's important for everyone to see my mistakes as well as my successes. I am really, REALLY looking forward to my support group meeting Thursday, I need to go and need the reinforcement from my DS peeps.

Shitty

Everything, as of late (DS-wise) has been pure poo. Wanna know how much I weighed this morning? 340.8 lbs. How lovely. I weighed 339.0 on May 19th. This month, so far, I've gained 5.4 lbs. I am supposed to be losing weight, not gaining. I think my constipation issues are resolved, I guess I have something else going on. All I know is I am happy about two things, one, support group is Thursday and two, I am going back to the most basic of basics. I think that I have not been getting enough protein/nutrition, sometimes it is as simple as that. In efforts to avoid eating too much crap on vacation, I probably didn't eat enough. Since I started my new job May 21, I probably haven't getting enough protein to account for the increase in activity. Geez. Pisses me off, but I am committing to boosting my protein a good bit for the next week at least to see how it goes. I should be 320 +- a pound or two, not 340.

I could seriously cry, but I am not. There is a solution. I will find it.

Dr. M

So I broke down and wrote Dr. M today. This crap is totally bumming me out. I also broke down and took a dose of Milk of Magnesia and had a big poop, but not as big as I would have thought. I still feel clogged up. Sigh, this is depressing. Maybe I am not getting enough protein, I am drinking over 120 oz of water so I doubt that is it.

I know it is something (hopefully nothing serious), I just have to figure it out....