Different

I feel lame. I feel lame for saying I have been feeling lonely when I haven't been making many efforts to address it. I know me and I know that I have to be able to get over myself, calm down, loosen up a bit and go out there. All my close friends are out of state and unless God is going to command them to move to GA, I need to break out a little bit or a lot and get myself out there and meet new people, do new things. Thank you all for sending your support and hugs and love, I really appreciate it, you just don't know!

2008 will be different. I couldn't even sleep last night because I have been thinking a lot about what I can do, even a couple of baby steps and I think I've picked the first three. First thing I am going to do is join the local photography club. They meet twice a month. They go on field trips, have monthly competitions, go to seminars, etc. This will be a lot of fun I hope. The second is to go to church. I was raised in church and I know there are a lot of social things going on with some really good progressive (or so I've heard) churches in the area. I'm not a fire-and-brimstone kind of girl, more of a God-is-love person and I think if I can find a church I like that I can go to and participate, I think that will be beneficial for me on a few fronts. On an entirely selfish note, one thing I have really missed the past few years is singing in a good gospel choir. I'd go just for that!

The last thing is a little trickier. I have volunteered in the past for Barack Obama's campaign, specifically for a rally here in Atlanta and have been keeping a somewhat distant eye on the happenings here lately. Recently they've opened an Atlanta office and I am seriously thinking about devoting a day a week and working at their local office. I'm not a real big political hound, but I really like Obama and I think it would be cool to be involved in the political process myself. In reality when will I ever have a chance like this? Needless to say, there are tons of opportunities to meet and network with a lot of people, plus I think it would give me that intellectual stimulation that I yearn for. Ideally, I'd like to volunteer a day during the week, but because of work, I may have to do it on the weekend. I don't know, we'll see.

So that's what I am thinking. Granted not the most exciting social calendar in the world, but it's a start. I will allow myself those moments of feeling like an outsider, but I don't want to keep manifesting that in my life because there is still one thing that I haven't done yet that is at the top of my list of things to do post-WLS and that is date, something I am definitely looking forward to. With a little work, I think it can happen in 2008.

Are we having fun yet?

No. I am ready to admit it. I am not having fun at work. Not at the moment. It's boring and tedious and most of all, it's kinda lonely. I am the only technical person in the company and I really miss having peers. I miss having people close by to talk shop with. I miss intelligent discourse. I miss problem solving with people who I can get down to the nuts & bolts with. Sigh.

I got a pot roast in the slow cooker and it needs about another hour before I can tear into it. I was going to do the turkey legs, but I'm all turkey'd out. With it I will have some garlic green beans, couple of dashes of hot sauce and be a happy girl. I love it when I cook really good food instead of the boring day-to-day stuff.

I have had this crick in my neck for going on two weeks and it's perplexing me why it hasn't resolved itself. I go through these phases of being uncomfortable in my body. I don't know if that is the best way to describe it, but it's like every few weeks or so I have to readjust how I move in the world otherwise I'm just an awkward, clumsy freak. The scale doesn't seem to want to move down very fast, but it seems my body has shifted much more quicker in the last month than I remember in recent memory. My hands, arms and wrists even seem to be very different to me. Very strange, but not disconcerting, but sometimes I do look at them and think "are these really *my* hands?" Since I have been obese most of my life, I think my bones and musculature are that of a much heavier person. I think my hands are really big and don't get me started on my head! Like, I love the show House Hunters and happened to catch one where Star Jones was the narrator instead of the regular hostess and her head looked huge to me and looked out of proportion, but I don't know if that is because I'm more familiar with her when she was overweight. Maybe I am projecting my own issues. Anyway, a lot of the things I used to find comfortable are not comfortable any more. I can't even sleep in my favorite fetal position because it's just awkward -- probably what caused the crick in the first place....

The other day, I'd come to the conclusion that I would be happy if I don't lose anymore weight. This, of course, is not true, but it's not entirely false. Truth be told, I am tired of dieting. Oh, so tired. 15 months of dieting. What has befallen me as of late is that I have become accustomed to a higher carb diet, not that I am eating any bread or sugar, but it's the mounds of non-dairy creamer in my coffee that has 1 gram of carbs per teaspoon (and I use like 10) and the 5 packets of splenda (1g per). It's the pickles and for some reason, lots of them. It's the cheese I find myself eating. It's the 2-3 KFC thighs at 8g of carbs each that I allow myself to eat on some days, it's the mediocre quality sausages with 3-7g of carbs that I indulge in. Crap like that. This month, more than any other month is what my long term meals will probably most resemble. I didn't try all that hard. At times, I feel like I don't want to try all that hard, maybe this is good enough. I don't know, I think it's the fear issue rearing it's ugly head. Fear of success. I want to succeed, but I am afraid of what succeeding means for me. Complete unknown. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's because all the major things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight" I've been able to do. Maybe it's because there are other parts of my life I am unhappy with...I'm inclined to think that might be it. Between you and me, I'm feeling a little lonely and I don't know how to fix. I wear the mark of an introvert and have always been painfully shy and suck at the whole social thing. Much like clothes shopping, being social/making friends is hard! Ugh. Yet another thing to work on...

Two inches

I just measured both my wrists and have lost over TWO INCHES ON EACH SIDE from when I measured November of last year.

Crazy!

Ho, hum...

So nothing exciting is going on in my life right now. I thwarted a hacker this morning which was mildly exciting and somewhat fulfilling, especially since I am no network guru. It looks like I will be spending Christmas here in Atlanta. That could be a good or bad thing, depending on the attitude I choose to take about it. I would have like to go home, but being that it's the end of the year, I have way too much work to try to get done before January 1st. My dad is certainly disappointed, but I was just there in September so he can't be too mad. I will probably head home for my birthday in February though, there is an Indian casino a few hour's drive from my parents and they have expressed an interest in going so I will try to make that happen.

I went online and purchased some fleece pullovers from Old Navy. These are men's because the women's are just too damn short, it's annoying. I got 2XL because I knew I'd be layering and frankly I just don't know how well they will fit. We'll see, should be getting them in a couple of days. If they are too big (which is a real possibility) then I will gladly return.

I have this great long sleeve grey shirt that I think I've mentioned previously is my absolutely favorite shirt. It truly pains me that it is way too big and I am having a time actually giving it away. I loved that shirt, it was go-to shirt, y'know. When all else failed, I had this shirt. I look like a ripe fool wearing it and I can't even lounge around the house in it because it uncomfortably big. Sigh. I guess I am that type of person, sentimental like crazy. I think I get that from my mom, my father is much more practical. Anyway, I love that shirt. Alls I need is a pair of jeans or two from Walmart/Ross/TJ Maxx and I'm good to go for the winter.

I have the same problem with my car. I drive an 8 year old American car, it's bordering on being a piece a crap, I affectionately call it "The batmobile". It's the first car I bought all on my own without any financial support from anyone (dad) and it's completely paid off. Part of me is like, I can certainly afford it, I should go ahead and get a better car, but the other part of me is like "Are you crazy? You have a fully functioning vehicle, that's paid for and your insurance is pretty cheap....plus it's your first car!" So I still drive it. I can't seem to break away. I can definitely say I want another car, but I don't want to give up my current car...we've been through so much together!

Actually, you can characterize my life like that. It seems I have been more than willing to cling to certain aspects of the life of "Fat Tia" that I don't need to cling to. It's not only hard to change those behaviors/beliefs but it's often hard to recognize them in the first place. I should be out there in the world enjoying life, but often find myself opting to stay close to home. That's definitely fear at work there. I don't know, I think I found my resolution for 2008, "Overcome the Fear!"

I survived Thanksgiving 2007!

Yea! Overall the day went well. I got to eat the things I wanted and am moving the hell on. A few surprises yesterday, though. Last year, I fell in love with the ham (which, btw, I had more than my fair share of at dinner last night), but the thing that was a HUGE hit with me was the freakin' fruit tray! Believe or not. It was a big ol' tray, sectioned in four, with pineapple, melon, strawberries and mandarin oranges. Now, I just don't do a lot of fruit and I haven't this past year, all the fruits I like have way too much sugar, but I ate A LOT of pineapple and those mandarin orange slices, oh my goodness, and the oranges were already peeled so no effort involved in consuming a ton. It was so refreshing and delicious, it was like I discovered a new classification and yumminess and couldn't get enough. Unfortunately, I can't incorporate that stuff in my day-to-day, but I will keep in on the emergency list when I just have to have something sweet. I'd rather have pineapple and mandarin oranges than cookies! Speaking of sweets, I honestly didn't eat that much, I think I had two pieces of chocolate chip pie the whole day. That's it. My eating yesterday looked like this:

2 large sausage links
1 cup mandarin oranges
1/2 cup pineapple chunks
couple cucumber slices w/ veggie dip
2 oz turkey
6 oz ham
1/2 cup fresh green beans
1 cup mashed potatoes w/ a lot of butter
1/2 cup mac & cheese
1 spoonful dressing
2 sweet potato chips
4 small crescent rolls w/ a lot of butter
2 slices chocolate chip pie

That's it. In my mind, I envisioned a heckuva lot more. Oh yeah, I also made sure I got my water in, I probably drank more than usual and I swear it helps minimize the damage on the scale. This morning I clocked in at 274.8 lbs. Not bad, considering.

Strategies for Christmas 2007? I am definitely going to make sure I drink a protein shake in the AM. I didn't yesterday for some reason. I am definitely going to again make sure I get my water in. Lastly, I am just going to make sure it's one day of loosening the reins, not a week.

Typically today is called Black Friday because of holiday shopping craziness, well, I am going to rename it Poop Friday because I will be having lots of crazy poop & gas today, no doubt, so I am not venturing too far from my home. In fact, the crazy poop started around 9 o'clock last night. Oh my goodness. That's all I am going to say about that!

Anyway, I brought home a bunch of turkey and ham which I will enjoy in about 15 mins. I also brought home a small square of mac & cheese, not too Tia-friendly, I know, but man, it came out great, better than I expected. Usually I just wing this type of thing, not too keen on using recipes for this type of stuff, but I wrote this one down. Definitely a winner.

Happy, Happy Turkey (and Ham) Day!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. I baked the pies last night and just put the macaroni & cheese in the oven! Once it's all good to go, I'll pack up everything, hit the shower and make my way over to BP's house. I figure I can probably get in 3 or 4 rounds of goodness before I make my way home. I am planning on leaving all the extra food at BP's house and only taking turkey & ham home. No need to bring home all that stuff that I don't really want to be nibbling on for days, especially since I am really trying to end my month strong. I weighed in yesterday at a semi-disappointing 273 lbs, for a loss of 5 lbs for the month, and 243.6 lbs total. In reality, I can't be too upset, last Thanksgiving I weighed 162 lbs more than I do now. Unbelievable!

Anyway, I'm thankful for a lot of things this Thanksgiving, mostly for God, family & friends. I am thankful for the Duodenal Switch, a true life saver. This may sound crazy, but I am grateful for the obstacles and roadblocks and challenges, without them I would never have opportunities to grow and work at being a better daughter, sister, friend, partner, human being. Last, but not least, I am thankful for Honeybaked Ham and mashed potatoes, because I will be eating a lot of you.

Have a good one, y'all!

PH, BP & Mmmmmm

I think my constipation issues are almost resolved, but I'm not sure. My hemorrhoids are in remission, but I don't think my mind is convinced. Yesterday was not a good food day. I mean, I didn't eat anything crappy, but I certainly didn't eat enough. I had a cup of coffee in the morning, eggs & sausage later that morning and then a couple of pieces of chicken that evening. I was pretty pissed off yesterday at BP and so didn't eat enough, I seriously wanted to throttle her and I hate feeling that way, that is NOT me, that is NOT who I am and it's frustrating. It sucks more because I almost feel like if I tell her off, I'll feel better. Heck, maybe I should. I don't know, you tell me, shouldn't a 50 year old woman be more emotionally mature than an 8 year old??? The best I can do is not even bother trying to change her and only work on changing how I react. Maybe I should just use some Preparation H on her brain.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is Thursday (duh), woo-hoo!!!! I am going to do my grocery shopping this afternoon for it. I am 99% sure I am going to do a DS-friendly baked macaroni and cheese. I am going to use Dreamfield's pasta, lots of butter and cheese. I typically make it with some cheddar, Velveeta and Alfredo sauce. I like using Velveeta for creaminess and the Alfredo sauce for a little depth and tang, it adds a little "wow" factor. I said I'd also make a dessert. I am thinking either a sweet potato pie or a chocolate chip pie or ... a buttermilk pie... mmmm. Buttermilk pies can be tricky though. I've tried a couple in the past with mixed results, but if I can pull it off, they are quite delicious. Hopefully by the time I hit the grocery store I will have made up my mind... who am I kidding... I need to make a list and decide before I go.

A couple things I have noticed about my body lately. I usually walk around the house in a pair of Adidas slip on slippers and have noticed lately when I walk around barefoot, I've lost a good padding on the bottom of my feet. Also, I am noticing the curve of my jar right below my ears. Craziness.

I could get used to this...

The Falcons game was great. They got their asses kicked, but what else is new? We were in a large suite with around 20 or so other folks. This being my first time in the Georgia Dome, I was filled with a good bit of awe. This was also my first professional football game and boy what a difference from the college games I am familiar with. My alma mater is pretty old school so all the music, dancing, gimmicks and Jumbotrons was an interesting change of pace. The suite was catered (of course) with a ton of food. There were barbecue ribs (this is the south), pulled pork sandwiches, hot dogs, buffalo wings, chicken wraps and a host of side items and snacks. So much good stuff and I am so proud of myself. I first had a hot dog, sans bun, about 1/4 cup of pulled pork (no bread) and a bottled water. An hour later, I then had another hot dog (no bread) and a handful of potato chips. Later, I had 5 or 6 chicken wings, a Diet Coke and 3 corn chips. Finally, I had about an inch and a 1/2 square of a lemon bar. All in all, not bad -- no bread, no alcohol, only a few chips and what amounted to 2-3 bites of the lemon bar. I'm a little proud of myself, I wasn't perfect, but was satisfied with a couple of bites of stuff and didn't need to eat a whole serving of something that I knew wasn't part of the plan.

One of the people in the suite was someone who hadn't seen me since early July. She called me skinny and hesitated, but eventually said I looked normal. She prefaced her comment by saying that she didn't want to offend me. Hmmm. I'm not offended. I just don't believe her. Ugh. I don't think I'm liking the attention so much anymore. I don't know what it is. I think it's that I do feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin and people highlighting the fact that the "old Tia" wasn't nearly as good as the "new Tia" bothers me a little. I don't know, I suppose it's all in my head.

Anyway, I did lots of walking and felt great. In the past, I would have dreaded it and heaved and hoed my way through it and would have found any and all excuses to take any available elevator or escalator. Today, I was out-pacing the rest of my group, went up and down stairs, no problem, climbed a giant hill up to the Georgia Dome like it was a stroll in the park. I enjoy this part of my weight loss the most. I don't get much enjoyment out of smaller clothes and all that, but I love the fact that on more than one occasion someone actually said "slow down" to me...ha! How freakin' awesome is that?

Good News, Bad News

Last night I pulled out a 2-liter of Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash in preparation of fixing myself a nice tall cool glass when "a pint is a pound the world around" popped in my head. I had heard Alton Brown say it a few times on Good Eats. It occurred to me to see if it was true so I put the 2-liter on my scale. It said 4.4 lbs. Now a 2-liter bottle is 64 oz, which is 4 pints, which should be 4 lbs. Ok, I thought and fixed my drink and sat down. Then I got to thinking. Does an empty 2-liter bottle really weigh 0.4 lbs? Hmmm. So I got up and grabbed my 20 lb weight and put it on my scale. In the past, it's always weighed correctly, last night it said 21.6 lbs. Ok. So I grabbed two 15 lb weights and weighed those with the 20 lb one. 51.8 lbs. Not good. So my scale which had been spot-on accurate for over year is not any more. Good news because, hopefully, it means I weigh less than what the scale has been telling me, bad news, now I have to go buy a new scale.

My "H" problem in ongoing and now I am constipated because pooping, quite frankly, is painful. Sigh. Time for stool softeners I think. Ugh.

How ironic that the day after I buy my winter jacket it'll be 72 degrees and partly cloudy.

Support Group is tomorrow! Have I told you how excited I am about it?!? Only like 50 times, right?

Mmmmm....Fajitas!

I pooped only twice today. I think psychologically I am afraid to. Pain is minimal. So far, so good. Lunch was good. We went to Chili's and I had the Fajita Trio -- Garlic Lime Shrimp, Grilled Beef & Chicken. Yum! I ditched everything except for the meat, onions and a few peppers. I was able to eat about 1/2 at the restaurant and I am enjoying the other 1/2 now. The shrimp is especially good, makes me want to run to Kroger to buy some shrimp and put it into rotation. I make some mean garlic butter shrimp.

Biggest news is that after lunch, I went to T.J. Maxx to do some shopping! Woo-hoo! I only felt a slight bit of panic, but I think my annoyance at always being cold superseded my reluctance to shop. I stayed only about 1/2 an hour, but I picked up a winter jacket, a scarf and a photo album for like $30. I did see a bunch of jeans for like $8, but I wasn't ready for trying stuff on. I didn't find any shirts or anything like that, maybe later.

Sunday, turns out I am going to the Falcons game...I think. Woo-hoo!!! Get to hob-nob in a SkyBox (or whatever it's called) with some big wigs. One of the companies we do business with invited us. Awesome. Very excited. I am hoping that the Cowboys play the Falcons next year so that I can beg and plead to go to that game as well.

My Ass Hurts

Warning: Way, way TMI Alert!

Oh. My. God. Usually when I say my ass hurts, it's usually about the decreasing amount of padding in that region, but today is about the much dreaded "H" word ... hemorrhoids. So incredibly painful. I'd felt a little ... "aggravation" down there for the past couple of days, but I just figured it was due to all the wiping from the previous few days, but then Friday through last night, I'd been really constipated and then 'rhoids made their existence known with a vengeance. Thankfully I ran out to the grocery store to get some Preparation H (stuff is expensive, but worth it). My first poop was firm and nearly brought me to tears, the other 10 or so have been liquidy and were initially not as painful, but the last couple were. Ugh. Ugh. I guess I've earned another DS badge. Not too happy about that. I took a long hot shower and then went to bed and it took me about an hour for the pain to subside so that I could fall asleep. All I can hope for is this to get progressively better. Ouch. At least this morning I can sit down like a normal person.

Anyway while I was at the store, I also picked up two packs of turkey drumsticks to be slow cooked at some point this week. Yum. I will probably cook them Wednesday so that I can have plenty over the weekend through to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is more about the ham for me than turkey. Speaking of, I think I will opt for the baked macaroni & cheese and then make a couple of mama's sweet potato pies.

I weighed in this morning only because I wanted to see what the progress was given all the pooping I did yesterday and the scale said 274.4 lbs. Cool, not bad. I had a few pickles last night...every now and then I just have a craving for them, don't know why so I probably had too much and am retaining water. Oh well, it will resolve itself soon enough.

Well, I have a lunch meeting this afternoon at Chili's so I gotta scope out their menu online to see what I can eat, then I have to try to find something good for my dad for his birthday. He's a tough guy to shop for, but you know dads and their daughters, he'll love anything I get him.

Poop N' Stuff

TMI time. Is it possible to have diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Saturday was one of those days where I was pretty darn hungry all day. It seemed like 10-15 minutes after eating something, I was ready for more. The after effects are not so good. Lots of liquidy poop, yet I feel like I am constipated, that bloated, icky feeling of the pipes not being fully clean. I didn't poop at all ths morning. That ain't right. Gross, I know, but that's post-op life at times. I got on the scale yesterday morning to see how it was and I weighed in at 275.8 lbs, a total loss of 240.8 lbs, exactly 25.8 lbs from Dr. M's goal, 76 lbs from my personal goal (holy crap), but only 2.2 lbs for the month so far. Meh. I know the big C has a lot to do with that, so I won't bother getting upset about it. I know I have 2/3 of a month to go so we'll just see. I'm going to wait til Thanksgiving to weigh again.

I went over to BP's house yesterday to catch up on business stuff and to eat dinner as well. Dinner was okay, her husband, the chef, didn't cook, she did. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed. Basically she made a pot roast soup/stew with a too lean pot roast and potatoes, onions and carrots. I must admit to have a few small potatoes and plenty of pot roast. I don't like carrots so I didn't have any of them, but the onions were great. She cut them in half and after cooking for several hours they were kinda mushy, but tasted good with the pot roast together. Yum. Rare is the day I turn down free food, especially free food I don't have to cook.

Support Group is a few days away and I can't wait. I am so excited for it, I hate it when I miss it. In fact, I think there is an additional support group meeting this Tuesday, I may go to just to make up for last month when I was in Barbados.

I have been pretty lame lately about receiving compliments. Part me of really likes to hear them, but mostly I instantly feel embarrassed by the attention. I'm sort of in a weird spot. There are a few people in my day to day life who ask me at least a few times a month how much weight I have lost. I've been forthcoming with the number, but I guess I'm starting to feel uncomfortable saying it because it's like indirectly admitting how fat I was. People can start doing the math in their heads the smaller I get. It's even more embarrassing when people ask what size I wear now, mind you, only women ever ask me that. BP is good for doing that. She did that yesterday. Grrrr.

Today is Veteran's Day, in the U.S., so much love and respect to all the veterans out there and to all our service men and women. Much, much love goes out to my dad (25 years) and my sister (25 years) who both retired from the Army and my two brothers (15 years total) who served in the Navy. I am especially proud of my dad, he fought in the Korean War -- and was injured -- and served two tours in Vietnam. Love ya Dad!

Pictures and more pictures

I am sooooo excited! I am again going to do a few photo sessions for friends for the holidays! Yea! Now that I have a good camera and good equipment, I am way, way ecstatic about it! Right now I have a sitting for a 3 year old, another for a whole family including that 3-year-old, and two different sittings for mother/son combos. I also possibly have another family, but am not sure. I am not charging anyone anything, I'm doing it for the fun of it and because I want to get better. Last year's efforts were okay, I wasn't too happy because as it turns out, the camera I was using was on it's last legs and actually it was out of commission within a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that this go around will be much better. So excited!

Y'know at 14 months out, I thought I could chow down pretty well, now I think it's all relative. I know our stomachs stretch after surgery and I know mine has, but honestly, I don't think it has that much. As y'all know, I'm fond of cooking food in mass quantities and dividing it up in small containers and lately I've been using these 9.5 oz plastic containers from Kroger. They are perfect. With my chilis, I fill up to around the 8.5 oz mark and I can usually eat that in one sitting, in about 15-20 minutes. I've learned from experience that eating too fast can cause dire consequences. Anyway, I read on OH about a lady who had been hankering for some Mickey D's fries and so gave in and ordered 20 nuggets, a double cheeseburger, 1 large order of fries and 3 cookies. She said she ate this in about 45 minutes, she's about 2 1/2 years post-op Duodenal Switch. Holy shit, that is amazing! I couldn't do that pre-op! I don't know if that is impressive or scary. A few weeks ago I had a McDonalds double cheeseburger and could barely finish it. Wow. She seems to be doing well, so more power to her, that's for sure. I just don't know if I want to be eating that way, I don't think I'd complain though if the weight continued to stay off. I'd like to be able to eat a normal sized meal, I'm not there just yet. It's amazing how different people are and how powerful the DS can be!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I'm pretty excited. I'm sticking to plan as best as I can because I plan to have some great food on that day and ONLY on that day, however I don't want to go all out crazy. There are a few things I am really looking forward to, namely the Honeybaked Ham and the mashed potatoes. I am most likely spending part of Thanksgiving at BP's house and her husband is a chef (thank you God) and the boy can cook. I absolutely love his mashed potatoes, I don't know what he does but they are delicious, buttery and even more delicious. One of my favorite things is to take ham and scoop up some mashed potatoes and eat it like that. Yum. Anyway, I'm typically in charge of a side dish and I am trying to come up with something that "normal" people will enjoy but is DS-friendly. There will be the usual suspects of turkey, dressing, fresh green beans, etc. I gotta think of something good. My initial thought is to make a baked macaroni & cheese made with Dreamfield's pasta. It should fit well with the meal and keep that day's carb count down.

I'm going to out for a walk this afternoon, get some fresh air, then come back and hope and pray my alma mater can win a freakin' football game. Good grief.

Flabtastic

I am flabulicious. I'm rocking the flabulousness. My flab is a force to be reckoned with. My flab will kick your flab's ass. My flab is insane. I spent a good 15 minutes in front of my full length mirror today looking at my body. I actually have a decent shape now which is more than exciting. When I put my arms to my side, there is actually space at my waist. What I am noticing now is my stomach pooch. It is now more skin than skin/fat. If I lift it up and kinda squish in than I can imagine what I would look like post plastics. The girls are flabby, but honestly, they always have been. My arms, especially my upper arms, I think, look the worse. I can literally, fold and roll my flab. On my lower arms, I can grab a handful of flab and still open and close my fist and not feel any tightness. Craziness. My thighs as flabby, but not that bad. When I look at pictures of me soon after surgery, my thighs were very large and bulbous. They were bar far the fattest part of my body. Even now, I still have quite a bit of weight to lose on them, more so than other parts, so they aren't as flabulicious, but hopefully they will be. When I think about plastics, my thighs and my arms are the main focus. I wonder how much all my flab weighs?

Anyway, BP gets back in town today. Booooooo. Just kidding. We're planning on dinner tomorrow or Sunday to catch up. Should be fun. She better have brought me something good back from her vacation.

Gotta run, but eating has been well, protein is consistently over 200+ grams. I'm drinking my water. Carbs are low, in the 30-50 gram range. The only thing that has been all over the map is fat, sometimes it's barely 60, others days it's over 150. Oh well. I still feel a little constipated, I swear it's that cheese from Monday. Ugh. Oh well, it'll work itself out.

So darn cute!

My grand-nephew in his Elmo costume:

Ramblings and more ramblings

So I took my Walk of Frustration yesterday and it was invigorating. The weather was cool & crisp and very windy which compelled me to move a little faster than normal. I even jogged a little bit and my heart didn't explode so that's good. I have got to get some better running/walking shoes, but that would mean I would have to go shopping ... but not in a clothes store ... I can do that at Sports Authority or Foot Locker or something. Anyway, towards the end of my walk, I noticed someone had dropped their driver's license so I went and transversed the whole trail again to find the owner. I then walked over to the YMCA and unfortunately the person wasn't a member, but they offered to mail it to the lady for me. Very nice of them. This is the same YMCA that I had been contemplating joining. It was my first time in the facility (very nice & spacious) AND they have indoor swimming as I saw some ladies in the middle of a water aerobics class. I saw the basketball court but didn't catch a glimpse of the workout rooms or anything. Maybe tomorrow I will get the grand tour. I really want to work on getting stronger, having a strong core, all that jazz. All in all, I am glad I went. I certainly needed to clear my head and get some fresh air.

Thanks y'all for the good advise about my wayward employee. When BP gets back in town we will have that discussion for sure. This morning she didn't get to work til 10:45 AM, she is supposed to start at 9AM. The excuse this morning is that her computer wasn't working, yeah well, that was the excuse yesterday. I think she is hip to my increasing frustration because I saw her working last night. Good for her, but it doesn't make up for 2 1/2 years of screwing around.

I've been thinking about my food choices lately. I've probably mentioned that cheese is my favorite food, without question. I love the stuff. I especially love the stuff mixed in with other stuff. I love cheese enchiladas, cheese grits, cheese & eggs, grilled cheese, macaroni & cheese, quesadillas, cheese soup... I love it. Problem is, post-DS, cheese is not a friend of mine and it causes a significant amount of intestinal discomfort and most importantly, slows the weight loss down. I think this is because of several reasons, one, my lactose intolerance has been kicked up a notch post-DS. I don't dare consume much if any milk, cream, etc. I just can't do it. Lots of explosive gas. Two, it gives me constipation. I have visions of it congealing in my system and very slowly making it's way through. My poop is always firmer when I consume cheese and three, I have very poor portion control when it comes to cheese. I tell myself oh, I'm going to limit my intake to 2 slices a day. That NEVER works. Never, ever. I always consume more. The bad thing is technically, on a DS diet, cheese is good for you. Good source of protein and fat, thumbs up all around. BUT, for me, not so good. Sometimes when those old feelings of wanting cookies and ice cream and cake and all kinds of other carb-evilness seemingly threaten to overwhelm me, I opt for things that are DS-friendly, but not so much Tia-friendly. Y'know a quesadilla made with a couple slices of Pepperjack cheese on a low carb tortilla has got to better than a piece of pie, right??? That's what I did this weekend. I felt the carb monster rearing it's ugly head so instead I had quesadillas. Problem now is, crazy poop, which means ain't no way I'm getting on the scale for the next couple of days and God knows how much I do NOT like the scale to go up.

Same kind of thing with wheat-based products. I don't know what it is, but lots and lots of billowy gas, even when I eat a little bit. Yesterday I had 1/2 a Toufayan wrap with some deli turkey, salami and some mustard and less than an hour later, gas and more gas. Good grief! I love those wraps though and I highly recommend them for those of you who can tolerate them. They're a tad bit pricey, anywhere from $2.50-$3 for 5 of them, but they are good, pliable, they heat well and make good sandwich wraps (hot or cold), quesadillas and breakfast burritos! Also, I have really been enjoying Dry Roasted Sunflower Kernels lately. I am not much of a nut person, but these are great to nibble and snack on during the day. They have a decent amount of protein and fat and satisfy my desire for a salty-crunchy snack. Yum.

I am still keeping my eye on the prize (goal) although everyday it seems to be changing... one day I say I'd be happy at 250, another I want the gold medal - 175, but mostly I just want to be in the mystical, magical place called Onederland. Hitting 199.8 will be divine and then I can say I did it! I will still be overweight, but at least I can feel like I beat obesity. With plastic surgery further down the road, I'd like to exist happily under 200 lbs for the long term. The next big milestone for me is reaching 250 lbs which is Dr. M's goal. I hope to reach that sometime in January, but who knows, then it's 7 months to lose the last 50 lbs. There is a woman on OH who started off at 440 lbs and who is still losing well into her 3rd year. I am trying not to look at all this like a race, but sometimes it's hard not to.

I've accomplished many of the things on my mental "when I lose weight I want to do ..." There are still a few I haven't done. I still want to be able to get up off the floor without using a sturdy piece of furniture. I want to squat with ease. There is the amusement park thing, but that will have to wait til Spring. I also want to sit on the ground where your on your knees and you sit back on your feet, I want to do that, can't do that yet. I also want to be able to cross my legs and have them fit under a table when I am seated, right now, I can cross my legs whenever I want but my top knee usually bangs on the table. I'm not sure about that one though, that may be more of a function of my height than my weight. I want to be able to put shoes and socks on without resting my foot on the floor or having to cross my legs first. That would be cool. I'll get there.

I suspected that this part of the journey would be the more difficult for me and it's turning out to be true. No regrets, right? Don't want any shoulda, coulda, woulda's. I think I am going to start reading the WLS failure boards to remind me of the road I do NOT want to find myself on. I'd rather be a success story than a cautionary tale.

Sigh...

We have this employee, she is 24 or 25 years old, has three daughters under the age of 10 and is in the process of going through a divorce. She has been with the company from the beginning and is an all around nice person. The only problem is, she is not a very good employee. She is not getting all her work done, she enlists other employees to cover her slack then when we ask her if she can handle her responsibilities she always tells us yes. When we ask her what are the big time-suckers of her day, she says nothing. I don't know what to do with this girl, I really don't. My business partner has known this girl for well over 10 years and she is a good friend of BP's daughter. BP has even made comments to the effect that she will always do for this girl. Me? I have no emotional attachment to her. I really like her, she's a cool person, her girls are awesome and fun and I certainly sympathize with her divorce situation and have gone out of my way to personally help her as I can, but she's hurting the company. She is hurting our ability to grow. She is hurting our other employees ability to make more money because they have to stop what their doing to help her. What bothers me the most is that she is not all that concerned about how she is affecting the company. I think because of the relationship she has with BP, she feels confident that BP will never fire her and will always accommodate her. I have told BP about this and I am hoping that BP's growing frustration with this girl will make her see the writing on the wall.

None of this is easy. I mean I don't want to fire a young woman who is going throught a divorce with 3 young girls, but she isn't trying. I can understand if she was busting her butt, but she isn't even trying. I can forgive a lot, if she was actually putting forth an effort. She doesn't care, y'know, she is making her paycheck, she doesn't have to perform her job fully and she feels comfortable and believes that she can say sorry and all is well. Her ineptitude/apathy is even more evident while BP is overseas on vacation. BP isn't here to enable her and so she's sucking even more and I don't want to be an unsympathetic jerk, but when is enough, enough.

Enabling people is one of the easiest, yet most detrimental things you can do for someone. If we keep enabling this girl, what is she teaching her daughters about responsibility and making tough decisions in life? It's not my responsibility to support her financially. It's not my responsibility to make sure she does right in the world. She has her own life to live, she has to make her own way in the world and that sometimes means doing stuff you don't want to do. I don't get it. BP's daughter is somewhat similar in this regard. The girl hasn't graduated high school and she's 25. I have tried to plant the seed of education in the girl's ear, but she isn't really hearing it. She doesn't like school and doesn't want to go. NEWSFLASH: No one wants to have to go to school! You go because you want better in life, you go because education=opportunity! Am I wrong? Of course there are exceptions, BP is one. She never went to college, but she had something neither of those girls has -- ambition. She really worked her way up and before we started our company, she was an executive employee making a boatload of money, but that success was 25 years in the making. It also begs the question as to why BP didn't stress education to her own children.

Growing up in my family, my parents weren't about to enable us. There would be no staying at home "trying to find myself" crap. Nuh-uh, plus by the time any of us reached 15 or so, we started to make plans to be up and out. I know I did, it was college for me as it was for a couple of my siblings, some joined the military, many just packed up and left town to seek their own way.

I don't know, I guess I am just ranting. I just don't want to have to carry this girl for however long we keep doing this business. She is really going to have to show me something by the end of the year, she really does or it's going to be an easy decision for me and BP is going to have to put her emotions aside and do the right thing for the company and for the rest of the employees.

Good grief. Yeah well, I am going for a walk...burn off some of this frustration.

Where's my hour?!?

So I didn't do the Heart Walk this weekend, I'm glad I didn't. I needed the break and it was total bliss to be able to sleep in a little bit. My bed is so great. So warm and toasty. I have perfected the art of the warm and toasty bed. I am so proud of myself. The day started off well, slept in, had a good breakfast, got a little work out the way, but it didn't end so. My alma mater go their asses kicked big time...sigh. Well, that's an overstatement. They played a close game with a team that in the past they would have creamed. They lost in the last second. Football season is my favorite time of year and as my most favorite team is downright abyssmal, it has affected my zest for the game. Oh well, at least the Cowboys are doing well and made up for it last night! I had a lot of fun watching the game last night while on the phone with my mom. She's a crazy Cowboys fan, in fact, you'll have to blame my football fanaticism on her. I got my yelling at the TV from her.

I haven't stepped on the scale in almost a week (10/31) and I am not the least bit frantic about it. No, really. Seriously, stop laughing. Y'know, I have to say, there is a certain amount of peace in not weighing and NOT worrying about what I weigh. I think I can successfully move on to weighing once a week and be good. I am still eating my protein, but have let the carbs creep up a little bit. Today, I've got them under control. I bought 6 cans of that corn I mentioned earlier and have made my way through 5 of them. That's just me, I find something new that I like and I'm all about it. I won't be buying any more after this last can, man that stuff is good but boy let me tell you, it's like a freakin' natural laxative or something.

Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time setting and meeting goals, especially with the DS, I've let the carb monster tempt and seduce me far too much and it's disappointing. I think it's fear based and my strong disinterest to do any kind of clothes shopping is part of that. Yes, I jest about not going shopping, but I really, REALLY, do not want to do it and it's so unlike me and it's bothering me that I don't just go and do it. In reality, I want to go, but it's sooooo overwhelming and seriously, how can there possibly be that many choices in the world? Why aren't sizes consistent? How in God's name am I supposed to know what pants go with what shirt? Why are there 30 million types of bras? In one regard, life was much simpler at 500+ lbs. I had like 7 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. There were only like 5 types of bras to choose from. No stress...no variety either, but certainly no stress. Something to work on, I know.

I've lost 26 lbs in the last two months, yet I feel like I am not making progress. Why is that?

My body hasn't adjusted to Daylight Saving Time just yet. I completely forgot until about mid morning yesterday when I looked at the clock on my computer and thought to myself, "damn, I've gotten a lot done in just under an hour ... wait ... I know I've been up for more than an hour!" and then it dawned on me. Duh! I wasn't able to fully take advantage of my extra hour of sleep time. Oh well.

I am in love! When I was at Kroger the other day, I happened upon Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash. Sweet Jesus, this stuff is delicious! At the moment, I can't imagine my life without it (see above reference to something new). It's fruity, refreshing and despite what the link says, reminds me of spring which is apropos because the weather will soon get miserable. I love this stuff, I highly recommend it. It's caffeine, calorie and sugar free! I will try not to drink this constantly, but I make no promises.

Tough Decisions

It's been a long week. Lots of business related stuff clogging my brain, some difficult choices I need to make and I don't feel ready to make them. Sigh. I realize I need a business mentor, someone to help me process all the information and think more business minded. I am not a business person by nature and much of this is very hard for me to get a handle on. I am much more of a background type person and being front and center on a new initiative is discombobulating to say the least. I need someone to ramble on to. In real life, I am often the quiet one and that is usually because my outward appearance belies my inward chaos. This weekend will be a quiet one, I don't think I am going to do the walk in the morning. I have been getting up crazy early all week and getting to bed past midnight and I am just flat out tired. I need some Zzzzzzz's.

Halloween

I'm not a big Halloween fan so the day passed without much fanfare. I did however enjoy my own kind of Halloween treat. I'm not a big candy eater, at least not in adulthood, so candy was not on my mind. I opted to pick up some "No Sugar Added" sweet corn I told y'all about. YUM. I heated me up some with a couple of dashes of salt and pepper and tons of butter...heavenly. Totally better than candy!

Today, I have a meeting at Starbucks. I think I have been there maybe once or twice in my lifetime and I don't think I got coffee either time, but today I will. Tiffany was kind enough to offer a recommendation of Cinnamon Sugar Free Dolce Latte with half n half instead of milk. So be it! I will give it a try.

There is a Heart Walk this weekend at Piedmont Park in downtown Atlanta. I think I will partake. That should give me enough time to do the walk in the AM and get back home to see my Alma Mater get their butts kicked.

I've started eating Toufayan Low Carb-Low Fat wraps again. Yum. Each wrap has 15g carbs, 8 grams of that is fiber. They are delicious (and they firmed up my poop...no more going to the bathroom 10 times a day). Sometimes I really miss bread-type foods and this works out great. I am going to try to not eat them daily because they tend to really slow down my poop and cause the scale to act wacky, but they certainly offer a good bit of variety to my daily diet routine.

I am going shopping today. God help me....