Month 20

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

Gracias

Gosh. Your comments from my "dress" post the other day definitely lifted my spirits and I feel so much better today. I really, really appreciate the love, y'all have no idea how much! I'm one of those types that gets lost in the numbers and have often given more meaning to things like weight or size moreso than how I feel and look. It hit me last night that I, Tia, actually bought two dresses without being under duress. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't worn a dress in 15-20 years. For so long I felt like a giant asexual blob. It was a rare, rare moment when I've felt dainty or girly or even pretty. Now I've been known to have a good hair day here and there, but to feel womanly, with curves and feel attractive, I can't even remember the last time and do I dare admit to having NEVER felt that way? I have my first opportunity to wear one of my dresses in a social setting next weekend for a birthday celebration at an Atlanta club. It should be fun!

Thank God for Zyrtec because it is the only drug that seems to be working. I almost feel normal now, no more runny nose, I still have some chest congestion and some lingering pressure in my ears. My biggest problem now is that my sense of smell and my sense of taste are still out of whack. I can only really taste and smell things if they have a really strong flavor or odor. I'm still trying to nurse as many hot beverages as I can and my appetite returned with a vengeance yesterday which is good because I have really bad edema from poor protein nutrition, not only from the week I've been sick, but from when I was in Texas as well. Not good, so I'm working on getting in over 200 grams or more a day (mostly from protein shakes). I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend.

Tomorrow and Saturday I have to attend a trade show. Boring. The only good thing is that they have a couple of auctions where based on the sales your company did the previous year, you get "Trade Show Dollars" and can get some cool stuff. I'm hoping to walk away with at least something worthwhile. I expect there will be a few employees from my previous company, that should be interesting...I can't recall if I went last year or not, I think I did, but I'm not sure I ran into anyone or else it might have actually stuck in my brain. Oh well. Interesting note. BP, our company CEO is not going. Why? She says she's got too much work to do. Reality is that she feels embarrassed by all the weight she has gained. How do I know this? Because she makes comments about how "fat" she's gotten about 5 times a day and I know how much appearance means to her. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about that. I certainly have sucked it up many a time and gone places I sure as hell didn't want to go because of my size, but I completely understand her feelings and I respect the fact that every individual's struggle with their self-image is their uniquely their own. It doesn't matter to me what she does either way I just think it's interesting. I suspect she keeps complaining about her weight to me because she believes if anyone would understand, I would. Intellectually, I understand it, emotionally, I haven't worked it all out yet.

I got the hollow leg thing going on today. I've been eating since I got up this morning, too bad I can't any taste any of it...I'm sure some of it is pretty damn good.

Strike a Pose!

I'm feeling the love y'all, thanks for feeling my pain! I took Zyrtec yesterday and it seems to be working wonders. The fog has lifted some, most of the cough is gone and a good bit of the sinus pressure as well. Only my left ear is clogged and I actually got a 1/2 way decent amount of sleep last night. All things considered, not too bad.

'Member those dresses I mentioned a few days ago, here are a couple of pictures of me (taken with my camera phone) in one of them:



Side view:



I almost don't identify with the person in these photos. It trips me out! Is that really me? Do I really look like that? My boobies are showing, what the hell?!? LOL! I will tell you though, these photos give me so much hope that "normal" is within my grasp! I can't honestly remember the last time I wore an actual dress. I've worn plenty of skirts w/ blouses, but an actual one-piece dress, I have no idea. Honestly, it's probably in the 15-20 year range...I wouldn't be surprised.

This also makes me question my ideas about goal weight and BMI. I'm such a poor judge of how the scale and physical reality mesh. I don't know for sure if I look like a 250 lb woman or not. I don't think I do. How much more weight should I lose? I would like to see onederland, hell, I'd like to be 10-20 lbs in onderland, but do I need to be to feel good about myself and wear clothes and shoes I want to wear. If I can wear a size 14 pants and weigh 200 lbs, would I be okay with that? I think I just might. I don't know we'll see,

Must be the drugs.

Warning: Lots of whining ahead!

I can't taste my food. My taste buds are numb from this stupid cold/allergy attack, which by the way, is a very strange thing. I'm nursing a protein shake right now and I can barely taste it. It's like it had 1/10th of it's normal taste. I can't even smell it.

Last night was a bad night. I went to bed at 9:00 PM and only slept til around midnight, I took another round of drugs and tossed and turned til 3 AM. I was up for an hour, drank a cup of chicken broth and went back to bed. Got up at 7 AM for more drugs and then slept til just past 10 AM. I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at a whopping 259.2 lbs. WTF?!? It then occurred to me that I haven't exactly been eating all that much and sure as hell haven't been getting in my fluids. I'm retaining water like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. I hate being sick. I feel miserable and find myself in a foul mood. All I want to do is crawl in my bed and drink warm liquids. It's not fun. I actually had a short tear-filled moment early this afternoon. Yeah, I can be a wuss sometimes, I guess I'm frustrated because I should be feeling better, not worse. Seriously, how much snot can one person generate?!? I think what is happening is the cold itself is winding down, but the allergy crap is reaching it's apex.

As if all the coughing and sneezing and nose-blowing weren't enough, my ears are clogged which is throwing my equilibrium way off AND I can't hear worth crap. I made my way to the grocery store again convinced that I needed more (better) drugs and it felt like I was in a fog. I also bought some good old fashioned chicken soup and had a nice bowl of that for lunch. That was the highlight of my day. I also picked up some of those super-soft facial tissues which are a gift from God.

On a completely unrelated note, a friend emailed me a recent photo of Guy from this past weekend. Seeing it brings back a flood of emotions which just make my head that much more foggy. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me right now to think to hard about whatever it is I would like to resolve with him. He's still a very tricky issue in my life, he may forever be, but luckily not something I need to really worry about. He does look good though. I can't lie about that.

Ugh. I'm tired, I'm going to get me a bowl of soup and call it a day.

Sniffle, sniffle, cough, cough

Mother Nature is trying to kill me. I'm convinced. It was bad enough that I had a wicked cold, then my allergies started to kick my butt as well. It's been a sneezing-coughing-sniffling-itchy-eyes-nose-lips fest over here. None of that, however could dampen my love for my kick-ass tennis clinic. I LOVE it, it's so awesome! Not only could I completely keep up with everything, I was one of the better tennis players. Mind you, we're all beginners, but I definitely was NOT the suckiest one! I'm all ready for next week's lesson and I wanted to sign up for weekly drills but our instructor said we should get through the beginner's clinic before we sign up for the drills as they cover a lot more than what we've learned so far.

Anyway, afterwards I went to Kohls and picked up a couple of athletic shorts to wear. I'm not going to worry about looking cute just yet. I think they will hold me over for awhile.

About the allergies, I never had them up until last year and I wonder if it is post-surgery related. I mean, I feel like scratching my eyes out. Both my nose and my lips are tingly, very annoying. I still have a very runny nose and a nagging cough (my abs hurt from all the hacking). I have to resort to taking Benadryl otherwise I might have to jab forks in my eyes to stop the itching. The bad thing is that Benadryl = sleepy time for Tia. Oh well, who doesn't love a good nap?

Sick

Around 5 o'clock yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks and I ended up not going to Support Group meeting. I had the chills, was still pretty exhausted and felt crappy overall. Kim called me around 5:30 or so as the gang was planning to meet out for dinner before Support Group, but I just couldn't do it. I think I went to sleep around 6 PM and got up maybe once or twice for vitamins and/or broth, then I was out cold by 9 PM and I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM. I don't feel too horrible at the moment although I do have a sore throat and I'm trying really hard not to cough. My sinuses are pretty clear, although a little runny. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by Sunday afternoon I will be well enough for tennis.

I took my first dose of Dostinex last night. I wanted to wait til I got back from my trip just in case it caused any side effects that I didn't want to deal with away from home. I take one pill once a week at night on an empty stomach. Doing so allegedly helps mitigate potential negative side effects (nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, etc.) I have a slight headache, but I had one yesterday so go figure.

Today is supposed to be another beautiful day in Atlanta, I think the high will approach 77°. I'm going to try to get out and get some sun, maybe take a walk or something, get some fresh air. I still need to go get groceries...and go to the bank... I may also go ahead and try to get some tennis clothes while I am out. We'll see.

I don't have the slightest idea what I weigh, I haven't gotten on the scale since before I left and honestly, I don't care at the moment. I'll weigh tomorrow.

GA

Getting on an plane, was again, a non-issue, it just blows my mind. I fit fine, no problems whatsoever. My back did start hurting after an hour or so, but that was it. I felt completely normal. Craziness. Cool, but crazy. Well, I obviously made it home in one piece! What a trip...I actually didn't want to come back to GA. It wasn't that I was having non-stop fun, it was just nice to relax and spend time with the family, especially Mom & Dad. As they get older these types of trips become more and more emotional for me. I know they aren't going to be around forever and it's sobering to have to sometimes talk about things (wills, life insurance, etc.) that you don't really want to have to deal with. Ugh. BUT, they are in decent health, are still able to get around and do their normal routines and they both have things that they enjoy doing and are still able to do so I am thankful for that. Besides that, the trip was cool, I didn't eat as well as I would have liked, but I made sure I got my protein in. I have a weakness for my mother's cooking and good, real Mexican food. I didn't drink enough water, but am working on a liter bottle of it right now.

When I was waiting for my dad to pick me up on the curb at the airport, he didn't recognize me. This baffles me to no end, I mean I was just back home in late September, I've maybe lost like 45 lbs since then, I can't believe I changed that much. What was really funny is that he wasn't the only one who didn't recognize me. Several family friends shook my hand without knowing it was me. It wasn't until I spoke that they realized who they were talking to. Talk about messing with my mind. Anyway, my mom, my aunt and I went shopping and I actually bought two dresses that I really like. This is monumental because I can't even remember the last time I willingly bought a dress. I will have to put them on and take some pictures. I actually have an occassion to wear one of them, some friends and I are hitting the town in a couple of weeks to celebrate one friend's birthday. I am hoping to also be done with my glasses by then as well. I'm convinced they are a male-deterrent which ain't good.

Typically, when I leave Atlanta, then go to a very dry climate and then return to my normal humid climate, within 24 hours, I always develop a sinus problem. I'm doing all I can to fend off a full-blown sinus infection because I start my group tennis clinic this Sunday, I don't want to miss it. Can I just say, I'm totally nervous about it? I won't chicken out, but I'm worried about my clothes...I think I will go out Saturday and at least find some cute shorts and t-shirts to wear. I can't go full-blown tennis gear, but I want to look decent. It's a beginner's class so maybe I'm worried for no good reason. I'm hoping the class is full of newbies like me who have the wrong clothes, shoes and rackets.

Tonight is support group meeting and I'm actually contemplating whether or not to go. I'm freakin' exhausted (I never get enough sleep when I travel) and this sinus crap isn't helping any, but I'll probably end up going. The guest speaker is a clinical psychologist, we are going to be discussing post-op issues -- relationship issues, cross addictions, self image, etc. Should be good.

I have to go grocery shopping as I no food, except for the 6 packs of Earl Campbell sausage I brought back from Texas. I couldn't help myself, I love the stuff and they are perfect for all the grilling I plan to do this spring/summer. Tiffany inspires me to be more social and active so that's what I'm going to do!

Texas, here I come!

The concert last night was AWESOME! I had so much fun and how nice was it to go out with my friends and just have a great night. I danced for probably three hours straight! Mary J. Blige was fantastic, everything I thought and more. She sang her heart out and I was delighted to see that I wasn't the only Mary-fanatic there. I never realized I knew the words to practically all her songs! My favorites of the night were Just Fine, I'm Going Down, No More Drama and Stay Down. Just wonderful! If I ever have the chance to see her again, I certainly will. I was a little concerned about how she'd come off in a big arena (15-20K folks), but she was spectacular.

On a less happy note, my freakin' innards are killing me! It feels like I am digesting rocks. Ugh. I think this is a side effect or prolonged constipation, bad enough to have too much excess stomach acid wreaking havoc or some other such craziness going on. Monday, except for a mild breakfast, all I had was chicken broth and protein drinks. Yesterday, same thing except we went to Waffle House and I ate 1/3 of a cheese & ham omelet. This morning more protein drinks and broth and I finally had a hot dog mid afternoon. Tonight I actually feel so much better. I only felt this bad once before and this was right around the time I went to Urgent Care and then eventually the gastroenterologist and he diagnosed the ulcer. It felt like my intestines were inflamed. Sucks. I'm going to continue to take it easy for the next few days til I am back to speed. I hate this crap. My weight has surprisingly been up around 254-255. I won't be weighing for over a week so we'll see how things are when I get home.

I am on my way to Texas tomorrow and I still have plenty to do before my flight. I am ready to go and have a little break. With the concert and trying to cram work in before I leave, I haven't been getting enough sleep so I am exhausted. My goal is to sleep as much as I can on the flight and probably a little once I get there. Besides that, I plan to just hang out with the fam and chill out a little bit. I will try to blog while I am there, but I won't make any guarantees.

Awesomeness!

I finally found a beginner's tennis clinic close to my house, it starts April 20th, the Sunday after I get back from Texas. It sounds perfect, one hour group lessons, every Sunday for 5 weeks for only $65 AND I get a t-shirt. It covers all the basics, everything I need to know to be well on my way to being a decent tennis player. Coolness. The lessons are at a very cool tennis center and I will be able to attend a separate weekly drills class for like $10 for an hour and 1/2 of drills. Sweet. The only downside is that I don't have any proper tennis clothes so that will be something I need to rectify. All I do know is that I ain't wearing those short little tennis skirts and dresses. I'm sooooo not there yet, don't know if I ever will be. My thighs are thunderous! Anyway, I hope to learn a lot and meet some cool people!

On second thought...

...I will be calling my doctor on Monday about the blood pressure meds. The last day or so I've been getting that dizzy sensation when I get up from a seated position or when like I am picking things up off the floor and stand straight. The room starts spinning a little bit and I hear that faint buzzing noise, yeah, that can't be good. It happened a couple of times in the past couple of days, but I chocked it up to not having eaten recently, but I just had the feeling a few minutes ago and I just ate and I had a protein shake an hour before that!

I'm so excited, almost to the point of tears, I'm going to the Mary J. Blige concert this week! I love me some Mary J. Her music is a major part of the soundtrack of my life! No More Drama changed my life:



Every ounce of emotion you see in that performance is 100% real and honest and true. Don't believe me?

When my sister, Monica, passed away in 2006, my sister S. and I took on the responsibility of handling all of her affairs and moving out her stuff from her apartment. Monica was a HUGE Mary fan and her music was what we listened to the entire time, especially, Be Without You. I know many people hate Mary, they say she's not a sophisticated singer, that she's a little too rough around the edges. Whatever. Mary's all heart and soul and that's what I love about her. This woman has been through the shit and back again and finally emerged clean and the kick ass part of it is that she pulled herself out of it. I dig that about her!

All done...

So I had my doctor's appointment yesterday with the Endocrinologist and left relieved and satisfied. I asked my nine hundred questions and he patiently answered each one. The diagnosis was exactly as I had thought - prolactinoma. He said the MRI showed an empty sella turcica. The sella turcica is where the pituitary gland resides. My pituitary gland was smooshed up against the wall because of an adenoma/prolactinoma. It's not life-threatening (I had to ask) and he's confident that with finding the right dosage of medication, the tumor should shrink and hopefully be gone in the next 2 years or so. I am to return in 3 months to check my prolactin levels to determine whether or not the dosage needs to be increased or decreased. I left with some orders for lab tests to be done on this upcoming Monday and there are a lot. I asked for my Calcium and Vitamin D to be checked since osteoporosis can develop if your prolactin levels are high for a long period of time.

All in all, I feel much, much better about this stuff and feel like I can just add treatment (1 pill, once a week) to my routine and go about my daily life. I did have my blood pressure checked and it was a stellar 102/66. I will wait til after the Peachtree Road Race to see my PCP about getting off the BP meds. By then, certainly, it should be time.

Weight this morning was 251.4 lbs, I am finally showing a loss for the month. Yesterday I weighed in at freakin' 255.4, the day before, 256.4. Constipation is a !@#$%. Total weight loss so far, 265.4 lbs. One of the good things I've discovered out of all this is that I am handling all the weight gain/loss much better. A year ago, hell, six months ago, I would have been crazy frustrated and probably would have sabotaged myself somehow, now I know what's going on and know that as long as I eat like I know how to eat, the weight will eventually come off. It's the old "blame the poop" defense! At times I do have these urges to buy a box of Krispy Kremes to "make myself feel better" but those urges are more easily dismissed than ever before. I wonder if it's because as I'm becoming happier and happier with my body, I am becoming more and more unwilling to do things to slow down progress PLUS I feel really good about my nutrition. Right now when I think "Yum, Krispy Kremes", I immediately start thinking "Ugh, gas and diarrhea. No thanks!" That's the thing, the more I want to be out in the world, enjoying life, the less I want to deal with gas and poop issues. If that isn't motivation to stay away from sugar & carbs, I don't know what is. I will eventually go down the Flagyl road, but not until I reach goal. I'm sure the stuff has magical powers but I ain't taking it if there is any chance it'll slow down my weight loss. Uh-uh, no way.

Since it's basically rainy and cold today, I'm going to go ahead and knock out a few errands I have to get done before my trip -- prescription refills, pay the lawn guy, buy some memory for my laptop, etc. I have dinner plans tonight with some friends so that should be fun. Tomorrow is supposed to be the direct opposite of today, mid-70's and perfectly sunny. My kind of weather which means TENNIS! I gotta find some footwork drills to work on....

500!

It's amazing what a few hours of sleep can do for a person. Yesterday I went back to bed and slept from 7:30 AM to around 10:15 AM, and honestly, was felt pretty good throughout the rest of the day until around 10:00 PM when I went to bed and slept like a rock thru til 7:00 AM this morning and I feel great right now. It's like night and day how I feel right now versus how I felt the last couple of days. Maybe my body just gave up and gave in.

This is my blog's 500th post! I started way back in June 2006 when I finally and wholeheartedly committed to starting the process of getting my DS. What a journey it has been! It's definitely a reality check to go back and read about how excited I was when I lost that first 100 lbs or first 200 lbs. Good times. Then there's last summer which was a trial and a half with my first trip home post-surgery, discovery the ulcer and the food-aversion nightmare. Thank God I'm verbose, it's great to go back to read what I've been babbling about for almost two years.

Today was one of those "eat everything in sight" days and I have. Weight is fluctuating between the same few lbs but I expect a drop in a few days. That seems to be the pattern as of late. A little more than 36 hours til my appointment, gonna do a little more research tonight and finish compiling my list of questions. I don't want to be an ignorant patient.

Good grief...

It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up for a couple of hours. Typically, I'd be unconscious and loving it right about now, but for some reason I've got a case of insomnia, every time my head hits the pillow, I can't sleep and spend the entire night with an unquiet mind. Very annoying as I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. I wonder if it is because of my doctor's appointment on Friday, maybe I'm more nervous about it than I think. Yesterday was not good, I tossed and turned all night and finally started feeling sleepy around 6:30, yeah, about 1/2 an hour before I typically get up. I slept through to 9:00 AM, by noon I felt like crap and tried to take a nap, that didn't work so I got up and tried to get through the day, but by 5:00 PM, I was all done and honestly I don't even remember the rest of the day, I was in such a fog. I do know I tried going to bed around 9:00 PM, but just more of the same, I maybe got 3-4 hours of good sleep. Sucks so bad. I'm hoping that I can finally catch some Z's after my appointment Friday...it's amazing what the mind can do, right?

Anyway, I've noticed something that maybe other WLS folks have as well. When I first started to lose weight and it was noticeable, there were several people around me who felt compelled to jump on the health wagon and lose weight as well, y'know, the whole "diet & exercise" thing. Needless to say, eventually, that went by the wayside after several weeks. Now, I see people doing the same thing, especially as I get closer and closer to a "normal" weight and size. Sooner rather than later, I ain't gonna be the "fat one" anymore which I think is causing some folks some anxiety. So very interesting how my weight loss affects some other people. My business partner and her husband are two of the biggest offenders. BP lacks a measure of couth. Y'know, my biggest goal is to see onderland - it's funny, sometimes I make it out to be this mythical, magical place - 199 lbs and I'm a happy girl. BP makes me want to get down to 175, the land of the normal BMI just so that I can rub it in her face. She's the kind of person who engages in a lot of self-deprecating humor which honestly, I don't get, but whatever.

I'm hoping that I can get some sleep this morning, possibly in the next couple of hours. I was trying not to eat anything, I don't want to screw up my poop schedule, but that ain't happening, I'm starving, time to go find some food!