Whoa...

Weight this morning: 245.6 lbs! Nope, that's not a typo, somehow I dropped 4 lbs overnight (total loss of 271.0 lbs) and I totally feel it though. This morning I was feeling really not myself, a little woozy, a little off center. By the time I stepped into the shower, I got that feeling that if I didn't get out of there immeditely and sit down, I'd pass out. I immediately hopped out the shower, drank my protein shake and ate a sandwich and only felt marginally better by the time I walked out the door 1/2 an hour later. I've had that feeling once before, almost a year ago when I almost passed out after a support group meeting. TMI Time: Aunt Flo is visiting and let's just say she brought A LOT of baggage. This is the 2nd time she's visited since I started taking the Dostinex for my prolactinoma. Ugh. I checked my blood pressure a few times today and it's averaging 85/64 range. A little low especially given my reduction in blood pressure meds. Anyway, I feel okay right now and won't panic or anything. I suspect my episode this morning is directly due to all this or due to the loss in water weight. The water weight may have artificially inflated my blood pressure and now that most of it's gone, my blood pressure is finally reading true. I do NOT care. I see 245.6 on the scale and I'm claiming it!!! I've eaten a couple more times this morning and feel much better, but my BP is still low, the last reading was 76/59. My next doctor's appointment is on the 30th so fingers crossed that this will be the end of BP meds for me.

I am exhausted though, I couldn't really sleep last night. Anyway, so I'm at Dr. Marchesini's goal. Holy crap. I haven't had the time to really sit and reflect or maybe I don't really feel like I need to. I'm not done yet. There are a few more pounds yet to be lost. I will be sending Dr. M a heartfelt email sometime this week, but that is as far as it goes. Sometimes I am amazed at the women that I've become, not because of anything I did, but because I don't look or feel like the old me and I think I'm okay with that. For a spell there, I was really struggling with not being the "Tia" I had become accustomed to and it caused me a good deal of anxiety and stress, many times without me recognizing it. I knew this was going to be the thing that I would struggle the most with. I think I've made some strides. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary and although at this point, I haven't lost all the weight I've wanted, but I think I've had the journey I've needed to have, I hope I've learned at least some of the things I needed to learn, especially for the long term.

On a lighter note, one thing that kinda sucks (but doesn't) about losing almost 25 lbs of water weight in under two weeks, I now have nothing to wear. The shorts I bought at the end of April are too big. I now look pitiful in my 2X t-shirts -- I don't know why I still wear them or why I bought one as recently as a three weeks ago. I'm planning my trip in early September so I think I can hold out til then for the most part. At worst I may have to buy a couple pairs of shorts and maybe 2-3 shirts. That shouldn't break the bank!

Hot!

Went to my tennis lesson today. We learned backhand volley's and backhand strokes. It was way fun! I feel like I am learning much faster than with my other instructor. The people in my class are cool as well. It was only around 75° outside, but it felt like it's 90° We played on clay courts so maybe that has something to do with it. We also did quite a bit of running around. We have next Sunday off BUT we will have a two hour session the following Sunday, kinda worried about that, but I'm sure we'll have a water break or two. Good stuff! Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tennis? I don't feel like I'm exercising when I play, granted, I'm in the learning stages so it's lots of instruction and drills, but I'm never constantly checking the time to find out if it's time to quit, every little thing I learn about or improve upon just makes me want to do it more and I'm fairly confident that someday I can get decent at it. When I run, my mind is always on something else, when I play tennis, it's only on playing tennis. As soon as my beginner clinic is over, I am moving to the 2nd level and will supplement that class with a weekly drill class.

Went out last night and got home relatively early, around 2 AM. It was okay, not what I expected, but it was good to go out. Weight this morning continues to drop, weighed in at 260.6, that's down over 10 lbs in 3 days....gotta love water weight! I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working. I do feel better as well. It's still 10+ lbs from my lowest, but it took me over 3 weeks to get into this predicament, so it'll take some time to get back to normal.

BP is not too pleased with me. She's not mad, but I can tell something is bothering her, she's been playing a few passive aggressive games, been flippant, etc. I only 1/2 care. I think the problem is that when I was 500+ lbs, she could always count on me having no life, not leaving my house and spending my free time at the computer doing work or lending a sympathetic ear to all her issues. Not so much now. I hardly work on the weekends anymore and frankly our business is at the point where the long, tedious days are behind us. I'm not sure what her deal is, like I mentioned before I do think she is having some issues with her own weight gain and I do feel some sympathy because God knows I know how difficult life can be when you feel you are too heavy, I suspect deep down she doesn't like the fact that I am more active, that I do have some semblance of a social life. I don't exactly have the social life I ultimately want, but it is greatly improved and I'm not going to be or feel "stuck" anymore. It seems like I wasn't the only one comfortable with my past life. Not that I think I'm the center of the universe or anything, but it's always interesting for me to see how my weight loss affects other people.

Gracias

Gosh. Your comments from my "dress" post the other day definitely lifted my spirits and I feel so much better today. I really, really appreciate the love, y'all have no idea how much! I'm one of those types that gets lost in the numbers and have often given more meaning to things like weight or size moreso than how I feel and look. It hit me last night that I, Tia, actually bought two dresses without being under duress. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't worn a dress in 15-20 years. For so long I felt like a giant asexual blob. It was a rare, rare moment when I've felt dainty or girly or even pretty. Now I've been known to have a good hair day here and there, but to feel womanly, with curves and feel attractive, I can't even remember the last time and do I dare admit to having NEVER felt that way? I have my first opportunity to wear one of my dresses in a social setting next weekend for a birthday celebration at an Atlanta club. It should be fun!

Thank God for Zyrtec because it is the only drug that seems to be working. I almost feel normal now, no more runny nose, I still have some chest congestion and some lingering pressure in my ears. My biggest problem now is that my sense of smell and my sense of taste are still out of whack. I can only really taste and smell things if they have a really strong flavor or odor. I'm still trying to nurse as many hot beverages as I can and my appetite returned with a vengeance yesterday which is good because I have really bad edema from poor protein nutrition, not only from the week I've been sick, but from when I was in Texas as well. Not good, so I'm working on getting in over 200 grams or more a day (mostly from protein shakes). I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend.

Tomorrow and Saturday I have to attend a trade show. Boring. The only good thing is that they have a couple of auctions where based on the sales your company did the previous year, you get "Trade Show Dollars" and can get some cool stuff. I'm hoping to walk away with at least something worthwhile. I expect there will be a few employees from my previous company, that should be interesting...I can't recall if I went last year or not, I think I did, but I'm not sure I ran into anyone or else it might have actually stuck in my brain. Oh well. Interesting note. BP, our company CEO is not going. Why? She says she's got too much work to do. Reality is that she feels embarrassed by all the weight she has gained. How do I know this? Because she makes comments about how "fat" she's gotten about 5 times a day and I know how much appearance means to her. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about that. I certainly have sucked it up many a time and gone places I sure as hell didn't want to go because of my size, but I completely understand her feelings and I respect the fact that every individual's struggle with their self-image is their uniquely their own. It doesn't matter to me what she does either way I just think it's interesting. I suspect she keeps complaining about her weight to me because she believes if anyone would understand, I would. Intellectually, I understand it, emotionally, I haven't worked it all out yet.

I got the hollow leg thing going on today. I've been eating since I got up this morning, too bad I can't any taste any of it...I'm sure some of it is pretty damn good.

Not in the cards?

My current BMI is 36.8 which puts me squarely in the obese category.

When I hit the 300 lbs lost mark and weigh 216 lbs, my BMI will be 30.2, still obese.

However, if I lose another 2 lbs after that (weighing in at 214.6 lbs), my BMI will be 29.9 and I will live amongst the overweight.

At my goal weight of 199.0 lbs, my BMI of 27.8 will still make me overweight.

To reach a normal BMI of 24.9, I will need to weigh, 178.8 lbs.

In theory, I would love to be a normal BMI, if only to say, I am normal and know that by this measure, it to be true, but I don't think 178.8 lbs will look good on me nor am I all that convinced that I could get that low. I just don't know, y'know and I won't know until I get close to 200 lbs. I also have to remember that I do have a good bit of excess skin, so I need to somehow not factor that into my calculations, but it's hard not to.

My problem is that I don't know whether I should base my goal on (1) weight, (2) BMI or (3) clothes size. Maybe it should be a combination of all three. Bottom line is that when I reach goal, I don't want to be fat any longer. I don't want to be pudgy, full-figured, plus-sized, thick, voluptuous or any of that. I don't. I don't want a new doctor to tell me I need to lose a few, I don't want any X's, L's or W's in any of my clothes sizes, I don't want any of it. I don't want the "I'm too fat" excuse to be ever used again once I reach goal.

Having said that what number or combination of numbers will get me that? My best bet, I believe is to get to 199 and see what happens. I don't think it serves me well to start wavering on this until I get to that point and see what the landscape looks and feels like.

Anyway, on the 5th day, there was weight gain, not entirely unexpected. I weighed in at 270.2 lbs this morning. Thank you, Provera. Thankfully, I took the last pill yesterday so hopefully my weight will return back to normal soon. I've also given myself a kick in the butt. I have been getting lax with my eating lately which is not good, I'm finding it hard to get back to my old "strict" self and even harder to maintain that level. Part of the problem is that I've become accustomed to drinking flavored water which triggers my sweet tooth which compels me to eat sweet, not so DS-friendly things. I have also had my fair share of cheese and Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread. I swear, this stuff must be laced with crack, because I keep coming back to it. Truth is, the cheese and bread add much needed variety, but my body just doesn't handle it well when I want to be in super weight loss mode.

Today, I start fresh and we'll see how things go. The goal is to eat as clean as possible, get in at least 150 grams of protein and a gallon of water, keep the carbs low, between 30-50 grams.

I run again today and I'm convinced this whole running thing would be 1000% times easier if I weighed like 50 lbs less. My stamina is good, it's just I feel like I'm too heavy to do it consistently. I think I need to add some low impact cardio work to my daily routine, probably just get on my recumbent bike for 1/2 an hour every day to boost my metabolism.

So more bad news, this time on the family front. My sister called me yesterday to tell me my nephew's wife's brother past away suddenly. He was only 34 years old. So sad. He was diabetic (Type I) and was in mediocre, if not poor, health. He was tall, lanky, pale and perpetually sickly looking and he didn't take care of himself. He ate poorly, drank excessively, smoked weed and never exercised. It is so sad. I've only met Lewis a few times in my life but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, kinda quiet. I won't be going home for the funeral, but will send my condolences.

Yet another reason to feel obligated to take the best care of myself as possible.

Weird Dream

Every now and then I have these really vivid dreams that seem so real and seem to last a good while. Typically, they involve people from my life and often people from movies or TV shows, especially ones that I've seen a lot. Several years ago, I used to have really extensive X-Files related dreams when I was a big X-Files nerd, but they were never like I was in the middle of an episode or anything, it was always me just hanging out with the main characters or something like that. Anyway, last night, I dreamt it was graduation day which was weird because there were friends and acquaintances from both my high school and college days. There were tons of people around and everyone had cameras and camcorders and we're having our last hurrah. I distinctly remember putting my video camera down and I guess the plot of the dream was me searching for the camera so I'd be going around and having these little episodes with people, almost like sub dreams. Well, one of these episodes, for some strange reason, was with Eric Close from Without a Trace. He's certainly yummy, but I've never spent any great amount of time fawning over him or anything which makes the dream so weird. Anyway, all I remember is us sharing this passionate kiss and then the next thing I remember is seeing a friend from college and he has my video camera. Crazy, huh? I don't know what it all means, maybe my hormones are raging, I don't know, but me thinks it's time to seriously contemplate jumping in the dating pool. I'm hoping this Valentine's is my last one solo.

Yesterday, the PMS truck hit my business partner hard and by 7PM she was a crying mess. Sometimes I wonder if I have low estrogen or something, because I can't ever recall getting that emotional over really remedial stuff. I'm going to make a doctor's appointment with the Gynecologist today, not because of BP, but because that was one of my things for 2008. I've been dreading it like you would not believe. Anyway, I'll do it this morning as soon as I track down a female doc in the area. Fun.

Passport

I just thought of something. I will be using my passport to go to Barbados. I look nothing like my passport photo... although I do have the same glasses...

I hope it's not going to be a problem.