Wow

I love my DS. So, as we all know, since Thanksgiving my eating had been crazy, not enough protein, FAR too many carbs, too much sugar, etc., etc. While it was fun, one thing I did notice was how fatigue and sort of listless I was feeling. I still had maybe 100g of protein, still took my supplements and played tennis 1-2 times a week, but I didn't feel like my normal self. I hadn't been weighing daily like I usually did and so the weight started to creep up. Here's the funny thing about my weight gain, it's all water, I never gain fat, in fact over the course of the last 8 weeks, while the scale went up, my clothes fit the same. My lowest weight ever was 231.2 lbs. This past Monday, I topped the scale at 266.0 lbs. That's a weight gain of roughly 35 lbs. Crazy, huh?! This morning, after eating like a good DS-er all week, my weight dropped down to 238.2 lbs. That's a loss of almost 28 lbs in like 5 days. I know you don't gain 35 lbs of fat in 5 weeks and if you never gained it, you can't lose 28 lbs of it in 5 days. I seem to be one of those people who can gain water weight very rapidly. Tuesday-Friday, I peed it all off, seriously, I was going to the bathroom to tinkle, like 10-12 times a day. I had actually anticipated not getting back to where I was til the end of the month, but it seems like I can maybe get there sooner which would be awesome. The DS rocks the box, it's a possibility that after all the water weight is gone, I might have actually dropped a few pounds of fat!

I've been working hard at getting my business started. I've been spending a lot of time talking with future clients, industry experts and contacts, something I didn't do hardly any of when I worked with my old business partner. She was more than happy to relegate me to the sidelines and I was more than content to sit there. At 500+ lbs it's hard to portray confidence. Now that I am close to normal, I don't have much of that anxiety and fear. I do have a ways to go though, but I am aware of it and am working on it. Anyway, I had been in preliminary discussion with a new potential business partner, we've been talking high level and trying to meet regularly to work a few things out. I've had a good 9 years of working at small startups so I know what it's like, he really hasn't and although we're good friends, I don't think I will be business partners with him. Part of it is, he's always late. Always. Now, maybe I'm anal, maybe it's the fact that I grew up with a dad who was in the army and has never been late in his life, maybe it's genetics, I don't know, but I hate tardiness. Hate it - however, I'm not a Nazi about it. I know sometimes, stuff happens, that's life, but for chrissakes, give me a call, let me know you're running late. It's so disrespectful and I don't think he gets that his chronic tardiness is basically saying "my time is more important that yours, Tia" and that just grates on my nerves. I don't think he's intentionally thinking that, but it is what it is.

This is also brings up issues of dependability. I don't truly feel like he's all that dependable. I know he's smart and hard working and persistent, but I don't know that I can trust him to be on time for a meeting with a client, or get things done when we need them to. He's far too laissez-faire for me. I just don't think it'll work out. That is what my gut is telling me and I need to listen to it, even if it means temporarily damaging our friendship. Doing a business together would do infinitely more damage and frankly, I'm not into babysitting right now. I'm not interested in wondering how late he's going to be, wondering if he did what he said he was going to do, etc. Not in the mood right now. Thankfully, nothing has been signed, it's all just talk, so I'll be wrapping it up with him soon.

Today, it's time to run some errands! Woo-hoo! Gonna go for a walk and/or hit some tennis balls, I have a group lesson on Sunday and want to be prepared. Then it's off to the grocery store for my weekly food shopping and I have to get an emergency stash of protein powder since my order from Vitalady won't be here til Friday. After that, it's a little house cleaning, then a few hours of business development stuff, maybe a little database design, then I'm off to a birthday dinner & party for a friend.

Have a good one, y'all!

Big things on the horizon.

I've had one hell of a week, a good one, but it's been crazy. The biggest thing is that I've decided to start working toward starting a business - again. I've had a couple of opportunities fall in my lap this week AND I've had one of the vendors I used to work with at my old company practically begging me to develop a new version of the software I wrote so that they can offer it to their customers. I had been slowing working toward making the decision to get back into the game but the developments of the past week really solidified it for me. This time around, the business will be completely on my terms, no more crazy business partners to deal with. Speaking of, I hear things aren't going so well with the company now that I'm gone. Big shock ... not. One of the three programmers that were hired is threatening to bolt. Sigh. She has managed to drive him absolutely crazy in a little over 3 months. What a mess. I am soooo glad I have nothing to do with that crap.

I engaged in some serious retail therapy Friday. I was lacking in the fall/winter clothing department and desperately needed to stock the closet which also means I had to empty it out of the latest batch of clothes that don't fit anymore. Craziness. I am now comfortably in size 16's pants. I picked up quite a few sweaters and shirts from Old Navy. I then went to Lane Bryant and picked up a few more things. This is the most I've spent on clothes in a long, long time. Part of the reason is because I feel like I need to dress the part. The idea of getting back to what I love - starting/running my own business - is envigorating and now that the opportunity is right at my feet and now that I feel so much more confident about myself, I want to look the part. I want to look and feel like a CEO. I worked hard to get myself into and graduate from a top 20 school and I've worked hard to be good at what I do and to try to learn as much as I can and build good relationships so I just feel like all these little things in my life are coming together. I just want to look on the outside, how I feel on the inside. Here are some pics of some of the outfits (Note: my head looks enormous):







I voted Friday as well, took three hours, but I'm glad I got it done, now I can spend Tuesday freaking out without the added pressure of actually having to go wait probably like 5 hours to go vote.

I forgot to give an update of Month 26, but I ended up at 231.4 lbs. For a total loss of 285.2 lbs. Not as much as I wanted, but I am dealing with the Big C (still) and some water retention issues. I've been a little lax with the 3 protein shakes a day, been only getting 2 so I'm going to put more effort in making sure I get that third one in.

This week I have training at work Tuesday-Thursday and I'm a little worried about getting my food in, there are long periods of lectures and group work, I can't exactly chug down a protein shake in the middle of it. I'll just have to be sure that pre- and post- training and during lunch, I get my protein in.

Craziness

Warning! Major whinefest ahead:
Every morning I weigh, it's around 250 lbs. Every evening, first thing when I get home, 250 lbs. Doesn't matter what I drink, what I eat, when I eat, it stays the same. What does that tell you?

I've added a protein shake at night and much of the edema is gone, but still no movement on the scale. I'm a little discouraged because I put in a good bit of work this month and not even the tiniest bit of progress, in fact, I'm 5-7 lbs over my lowest. Sigh. Major bummer. I was hoping to finish off the year well, but I guess not. I can't even say "oh, but I've dropped a size." Nope, nothing.

I can't even muster enough energy to intellectualize all this. I'm just disappointed. I was hoping to not only be far away from 250, but out of the 240's by now, but now I'm not sure if it'll happen. I'm not sure what to do. It's one thing to be up 10 lbs and see fluctuations throughout the course of the day. I honestly wouldn't be as annoyed/frustrated if I weighed 257 lbs when I got home and 250 in the mornings, but nooooooo, always within a 1.5 or so from 250. It's downright maddening.

Ironically, this happened the last time I went to work at the same place where I'm working now. Same commute, same increased level of activity. In six weeks I only lost 15 lbs and this was over month 9 & 10 post surgery. The funny, interesting part is that I lost 20 lbs in the subsequent 3 weeks. Grrrrrrr.

The only conclusion I can come to is that I am not eating enough for my level of activity. It's not like I feel tired or weak or anything, only about once every two weeks am I ravenous, but that's pretty typical. I'm pretty desperate to show a loss this month so it's up to 3 protein shakes a day for me for the next week, just to see. If nothing, then it's back to square one, that or I'm gonna cry.

Okay, enough of that crap. So anyway, COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON IS HERE!!!!! Thank GOD!!! It's been a long, looooong break and I am so ready. I don't have high hopes for my alma mater, but as long as they do better than last year, I am happy. The local alumni club has game watches and I am going to go even though the whole social part of it is nervewracking, but I just have to get over it and do it. I ordered some gear so hopefully it'll be here before Friday. I love football, it's in my blood. I think it's because I was born in Texas, I'm not sure. Anyway, I won't be going to my alma mater for a game on the 6th, Guy is going to be there and I just don't even want to deal with that crap, no way! Instead, I am going to Texas on the 18th to see my nephew play in a big, televised game. He's a senior in high school and his squad will be playing their cross town rivals. It's a huge deal, think Friday Night Lights on steroids. The game is what like 3 weeks away and my sister is scrambling to make sure she can get enough tickets. I know he'll be happy that I'll be there and it'll be so awesome to see him play as he'll be playing on Saturdays next year.

Whoa...

Weight this morning: 245.6 lbs! Nope, that's not a typo, somehow I dropped 4 lbs overnight (total loss of 271.0 lbs) and I totally feel it though. This morning I was feeling really not myself, a little woozy, a little off center. By the time I stepped into the shower, I got that feeling that if I didn't get out of there immeditely and sit down, I'd pass out. I immediately hopped out the shower, drank my protein shake and ate a sandwich and only felt marginally better by the time I walked out the door 1/2 an hour later. I've had that feeling once before, almost a year ago when I almost passed out after a support group meeting. TMI Time: Aunt Flo is visiting and let's just say she brought A LOT of baggage. This is the 2nd time she's visited since I started taking the Dostinex for my prolactinoma. Ugh. I checked my blood pressure a few times today and it's averaging 85/64 range. A little low especially given my reduction in blood pressure meds. Anyway, I feel okay right now and won't panic or anything. I suspect my episode this morning is directly due to all this or due to the loss in water weight. The water weight may have artificially inflated my blood pressure and now that most of it's gone, my blood pressure is finally reading true. I do NOT care. I see 245.6 on the scale and I'm claiming it!!! I've eaten a couple more times this morning and feel much better, but my BP is still low, the last reading was 76/59. My next doctor's appointment is on the 30th so fingers crossed that this will be the end of BP meds for me.

I am exhausted though, I couldn't really sleep last night. Anyway, so I'm at Dr. Marchesini's goal. Holy crap. I haven't had the time to really sit and reflect or maybe I don't really feel like I need to. I'm not done yet. There are a few more pounds yet to be lost. I will be sending Dr. M a heartfelt email sometime this week, but that is as far as it goes. Sometimes I am amazed at the women that I've become, not because of anything I did, but because I don't look or feel like the old me and I think I'm okay with that. For a spell there, I was really struggling with not being the "Tia" I had become accustomed to and it caused me a good deal of anxiety and stress, many times without me recognizing it. I knew this was going to be the thing that I would struggle the most with. I think I've made some strides. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary and although at this point, I haven't lost all the weight I've wanted, but I think I've had the journey I've needed to have, I hope I've learned at least some of the things I needed to learn, especially for the long term.

On a lighter note, one thing that kinda sucks (but doesn't) about losing almost 25 lbs of water weight in under two weeks, I now have nothing to wear. The shorts I bought at the end of April are too big. I now look pitiful in my 2X t-shirts -- I don't know why I still wear them or why I bought one as recently as a three weeks ago. I'm planning my trip in early September so I think I can hold out til then for the most part. At worst I may have to buy a couple pairs of shorts and maybe 2-3 shirts. That shouldn't break the bank!

GOOOOAAALLLLLLL!!!!

Dr. Marchesini's goal, that is! Yeah, baby, yeah! 250 is the number Dr. M. told me I'd lose to and that I'd be a success. I have officially met and exceeded that goal! This morning, I hit an all-time low, 249.6 lbs! Yea! That's a loss of 2.4 lbs since yesterday, 20.4 lbs in 12 days (mostly water) and a grand total of 267 lbs loss. Woo-hoo! I feel like I've broken through a barrier. It seems like I've been on the brink since early April when I got down to 251.2 lbs, but then I went home on vacation, came back and was sick for like 2+ weeks, then my dad had his accident & surgery and I wasn't eating like I should, etc, etc. and I gained like 20+ lbs of freakin' water. Once I got my mind right and back on track -- getting my protein in -- the water weight really started to drop. I mean, 20.4 lbs in 12 days is craziness and to think I had been lugging that around. It's a little scary too to think that my body is that sensitive to protein deficiencies and it wasn't like I was getting no protein in, I was probably in the 70-100g range, which isn't great, but not horrible, but it wasn't enough. I think for me, I maybe absorb more like 35-40% of the protein I eat versus the 50% or so that is often mentioned in Duodenal Switch circles. I have a short common channel (65 cm) and I think a good bit of my small bowel bypassed (over 45%) so I most likely tend toward needing much more protein than the average DSer. I easily get in over 100g before noon. That will be my life, I just have to accept it and let me tell you, it's a heckuva lot easier to accept choking down protein shakes everyday for the rest of my life than living a much shorter life being 500 lbs.

I sort of indirectly mentioned it yesterday, but I am officially changing my goal weight to 216.6 lb as far as pre-plastics are concerned. I want to lose as much fat as I can PLUS I want to add some muscle so I figure I can do that much more safely in the 210's than sub 200. I'm just worried that losing down to 199, I would be losing fat AND muscle which would not be good since my muscle tone sucks right now anyway. I'd rather be fit, strong and healthy at 216 than weak, skinny and sickly at 199.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there. I will be calling mine today. He is doing so much better, he's back to driving and getting out on his own and he's back to cracking jokes about mom so I know he's almost back to normal. I'm hoping to get down there sometime in late Summer, but I do have a trip to my alma mater in early September so we'll see. The trip back to my alma mater is important because I have to go thank my mentor and tell her what a positive influence she's been to me, the football game, etc. is secondary to that.

No tennis clinic today, that starts next week so I am going to go practice my serve and backhands, then it's off to BP's house to setup for a couple of new employees we have starting on Monday.

Voila!

So I've gone back to my old design, I kinda missed it and I think it better fits my weather and mood. Anyway, I've started like 15 posts over the last week, but haven't actually posted anything. Seems like there is always something popping up to distract me and I'm easily distract-able. I had a doctor's appointment Monday to get labs done, it's been awhile and I'm still trying to figure out why I tend to retain so much water. Monday morning, I weighed in at 270 or so, today it's down to 263. It's frustrating because the day I got back from Texas I weighed in at 253 and that was at night and I'm always 5-6 lbs heavier during the day than when I weigh post-poop in the AM. I have no idea what my true weight is, I'm guessing somewhere in the mid 240's because I first weighed 250-ish way back in early April.

If I weren't retaining so much water right now, I'd probably be 95% happy with my weight loss to be totally honest. Losing 265+ lbs is no small feat, so I feel like a success in that regard, but with water weight and feeling it in my legs and abdomen, it makes me feel fat, which is something I do not want to feel. I know it's a protein problem and it's a difficult one to manage. Subconsciously I haven't accepted the fact that I do need to drink 2-3 protein shakes a day, I just can't get by on food alone. Sucks, but I just have to accept it, which is a difficult, I can be hard-headed at times. The goal is still sub-200 lbs. I've become a bit comfortable lately and have lost a bit of the fire I had, that happens when you're close to 2 years out. I know my DS still works, my poop tells me so, so it's just a matter of getting the fire back again and making better decisions. I have this little placard on the wall in my office that reads "CHOOSE BETTER - 199.0". I've been ignoring it lately, but need to drill it in my brain. I'm drinking my three 50+ gram shakes a day and eating three small meals averaging around 250+ grams of protein a day. I'm also making my way through a gallon of water and trying to keep my carbs below 50.

At my Dr.'s appointment, she agreed with me and reduced my BP meds and I feel so much better. No more lightheadedness when I stand up. When they checked it was 100/60 which is around what I had gotten when I checked myself a couple weeks ago, the lowest was 92/54. I'm hoping to be off the meds completely at some point this year. It's the one thing that I'm a little bit disappointed in because I hear about so many people getting of their blood pressure medication soon after surgery, for me, such was not the case, but I know it'll happen in due time.

I have two pairs of size 16 Medium pants that I acquired from a clothes exchange after one of my support group meetings. I can barely get them on but can not zip nor button them. What a freakin' trip. It just boggles the mind that I will soon be wearing a size 16! Craziness. It doesn't even seem real. The crazy part is that my thunder thighs actually fit in the pants, they were tight, but they fit. I wonder how they'll fit after I get rid of the water weight, hopefully by the end of the month.

Today, I have the last lesson of my tennis clinic, but do not fear, the second clinic, I believe, starts immediately afterwards. It's supposed to be 96° today. I'm loving it since I'm usually freezing.

Jules asked about a typical food day for me before surgery and I'm assuming a typical day before I ever thought about surgery and here it goes. I was a big eater and I loved to eat. Okay, typical day...one of my favorite things for breakfast were bacon, egg and cheese burritos. I would fry up 4 slices of thick sliced bacon and put it aside, then I would scramble 3 eggs in the bacon grease and put that aside, I would then heat up two large flour tortillas in any residual bacon grease or additional butter and then assemble two burritos each with 2 slices of bacon, 1/2 of the scrambled eggs and 2 slices of cheese. For lunch, I might have a super-sized fast food meal, like a double quarter pounder with cheese - super-sized or some similar variation. For dinner, I loved pasta and rice and lots of it so it was usually some variation of that. Sometimes, I would just repeat breakfast. Of course there were snacks, I may have a candy bar or two throughout the day, chips, cookies from the vending machine, etc. I have long given up soft drinks with sugar so that wasn't something I gained weight on.

What really did me in was what I would do on the weekends. Weekends for me were times where I spend them on the coach in a carb-induced coma. After work on Fridays, I would go to the grocery store and buy a varying array of crap, a couple of dozen Krispy Kremes, a pie, two 1/2 gallon of ice cream or something like that. I would then spend Friday night to Sunday night on my couch watching TV, this was especially the case during lonelier times. I can still remember, quite vividly, what the carb-fog felt like, almost like semi-consciousness, being awake, but not. I definitely know why I got fat, not a mystery at all. The problem was exacerbated by my chronic anemia which I was not vigilant about keeping in check. I frankly did not have the energy to do anything besides what I needed to do. Those two things were near deadly for me, but still in the first 7 years I had been in Atlanta, I gained maybe 50-60 lbs to around 450 or so. It wasn't until I started by business that the weight piled on big time. When I started at a startup company, with two years, I gained to like 485, but by the time I started my own company I had gotten down to maybe 440 or so and that was in March 2005, by the time I had my DS in Aug 2006, I had gained almost 80 lbs from spending almost every waking hour at my computer grazing and snacking all day long. Horrible. That got me to over 500+ lbs. The scary thing is that without my DS, I'm afraid to even think what kind of condition I would be in. God only knows. I never thought I was near death when I weighed 500 lbs, but I saw myself as being on the brink of being homebound, unable to do for myself. I could easily be a 600+ lb diabetic by now, instead I'm sitting here in a size large t-shirt and a pair of size 18 shorts anxiously awaiting the time for me to run out the door for my tennis lesson!

I'm so, so very grateful I was able to have my surgery. I know I am an extremely atypical weight loss surgery patient. Not too many of us get that big, in fact I'm currently just 10-20 lbs below where most people seem to start off! I just went another giant pile of clothes yesterday to take to Goodwill and was reminded of just how big I was, I won't sit here and say I had forgotten how big, but it's becoming less and less familiar to me. It's only when I am confronted with remnants of my old self (pictures, clothes, etc.) that I am reminded just how far I've come. Just 60-70 more lbs and I'll be done!

On the supplements front, I'd recently ordered some Upcal-D. I love this stuff and it's much less expensive than going through 4-5 bottles of the Twinlab chewables a month. I drop a scoop in my protein shakes and or sugar-free drink and I'm good to go! The only problem is that it seems to not have the amount of elemental calcium it is purported to have. Sucks! I can go back to the Chewables, but maybe I'll just rotate the two.

Anyway, enough rambling for now for me, once I get started, it's hard to stop...especially when I haven't posted in awhile.