Month 14

I wrote quite a bit about Month 14 yesterday so I won't repeat any of my thoughts. Weighed in this morning at exactly what I weighed yesterday... 278.0 lbs. Here are the all the cumulative stats:

Highest weight: 516.6 lbs
Surgery weight: 510.0 lbs
Current weight: 278.0 lbs
Total weight loss: -238.6 lbs!

Highest BMI: 72
Current BMI: 38.8

EWL% (surgeon's goal of 250 lbs): 89.5%
EWL% (personal goal of 199.8): 75.3%
EWL% (pipe dream goal of 175): 69.8%

Feeling pretty good, making good progress, could be better, but oh well. I don't feel any strong feeling of regret, I know I could have been much more compliant, but it's just something I will continue to struggle with AND for the most part overcome. I'm looking ahead to the cold is gone except for some errant coughing here and there, but more than manageable. It was really cold this morning in the Atlanta area, 39 degrees, yikes! Must. get. winter. clothes. Yes, I know...will look into getting a few things this weekend. Ugh.

Anyway, on the supplements front, I've tweaked my regimen a little. I've done away with the Citracal Petites w/ Vitamin D. I thought it would be easier to just swallow two pills 4 times a day. Well, I overestimated my desire to swallow giant pills four times a day. Not gonna happen, so I went back to the old tried and true chewable wafers from TwinLab. They make it so easy to get my Calcium in, I will never stray again. I also added Biotin back in, I am still losing hair and it's getting a bit frightening, I think a lot of it had to do with not enough protein, but I had also stopped taking Biotin some time ago and right now I can't afford to take any chances.

Yawn...

I was up earlier than normal today in order to get a few hours of overlap time with my business partner. She is on vacation in Europe with her husband for the next two weeks and we needed to have a good 2-4 hours worth of time where I am awake and she isn't doing much of anything, so it turns out to be between 6:30-ish in the morning til around 10AM, depending on what's going on in the company. Speaking of, it looks like some exciting things are materializing for us, things which would require a lot of work, probably another 1-2 years of development, but which could really take us to the next step. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and trying to wrap my head around everything. I like being the master of my own destiny, but it's a lot of work a lot of the time so I just need to be mentally prepared. It is exciting stuff though, definitely more exciting than the type of work we are doing now, so we'll see.

I had a late start to the day yesterday, my bed was so warm and so comfortable, I don't think I emerged until close to 10 AM which is really late. I'm usually up, even on the weekends, between 7 AM and 8 AM. My first meal yesterday was close to 11 AM, not good, so I ended up not getting in as much food as I had been, maybe around 30-40 grams of protein less. It also means my poop schedule is off which also means unless I want to wait til 11 AM today in order for me to clear everything out, then the scale won't be as kind this morning. Tomorrow is my 14th month surgiversary, so I am opting to go ahead and weigh and eat/drink at my normal time so that when I hop on the scale tomorrow, I will smile instead of frown. Anywho, I weighed in at 278.0 lbs this morning, down 1.4 lbs since yesterday.

Month 14 was an interesting one. First of all, I was out of town for about a 1/3 of it which has historically caused me problems, as I have mentioned before. One of the things I was and still am most concerned about is sticking to plan on those days where I am away from home and out of my comfort zone. I think I have gotten much better at it, but still not perfect. I still have a bit of residual anxiety about people commenting on what I eat and how I often I eat. This month I missed support group meeting and I'm slightly depressed about it. I miss my friends. :( This month I also overcame my food aversion issues and am now eating pretty darn well and not surprisingly, feel pretty darn good. In the past I debated with myself as to whether or not consuming so much protein was good for me or not, but I think eating how I've been eating the past several days proves that for me and my body, the more protein the better. When I look at my labs, my albumin only went up like 0.1 after I literally doubled my protein intake so that's good evidence that it's not hurting. I think the problem I was having before had to do with trying to get all that protein in via food, now I know that ain't gonna work and protein drinks 2-3 a day are now a staple for me. Luckily there are 4-5 different kinds that I like, both ready-to-drink and mixes, so I should be good.

Yes!

I finally feel better after taking DayQuil and having some throat lozenges on hand. I pretty much slept through the night bundled up, nice and toasty. I feel like I can breathe much better and am not producing snot at an alarming rate. Still have a bit of a cough, but certainly not as bad as before. Yea!

Weighed in this morning at 279.4 lbs. Woo-hoo! Buh-bye, 280's. Nice to know ya! This is a good milestone for one big reason. I checked my BMI this morning and my BMI has dropped from 71.1 all the way down to 39.0, I am technically no longer Morbidly Obese!!! Count me among the Severely Obese! Woo-hoo! How cool is that? Exciting stuff!

I'm hungry...all the time.

I was just reading this thread at DuodenalSwitch.com and I just have to wholeheartedly agree with the comment made about how liberating it is to demand food when you're hungry with no apologies about it. My friends and family know that I eat all the freakin' time and I'm always about food and I'm always hungry (except, of course, when I've got a bad case of food aversion). They don't bother ever asking me if I'm hungry, the answer is always yes. And I tell ya, it's great. And it's not like a "yeah, I could eat" kind of hunger, it's a "move out of my way, I can see you talking but I can't hear a word you're saying cause I'm STARVING" hunger. My mom had the hardest time with that aspect of my post-op life. She just could not wrap her head around it, but thankfully, she has just accepted that maybe I kinda know what I'm doing ... just a little bit. Recently, now that I have been eating more, I am eating between 8AM and 11PM, probably 7-8 times a day.

One thing, I must say, that I am proud of is that I have been pretty darn good about having food around and with me at all times. Since my little episode back in July with the near fainting, I have food & water with me at all times and I learned not to give a flying flip what other people think if I have to stop and eat. A girl has got to do what a girl has got to do. I have sunflower seed kernels and bars and jerky everywhere. Pre-op and post-op DS-ers, learn this lesson and learn it early, have food with you, always have backups.

Girls Night In

So last night I decided to go, it was both a good and bad idea. The purpose of the whole thing was to celebrate the divorce filings for a friend of mine. Typically, I am not one to take joy in someone else's agony, but her soon to be ex-husband is a true bastard. We basically ate Mexican food (beef enchiladas), they drank (I didn't) and watched a movie. There were kids there and at some point I got talked into playing monster with them and spent a good hour or so chasing three screaming little girls around the house. I'll pause a moment and reflect on this because I actually had the energy to do it. I actually ran around the house, up and down stairs, crouched behind furniture and it was fun. Do I even need to say how impossible this was pre-surgery? It was fun and it was so cool to be able to do that kind of thing. What is so interesting to me is that when I hear about how post-WLS folks talk about being treated differently because they are now thin, I can't fully relate, but I will tell you this, I do notice the difference with kids. I noticed it back in June at my family reunion when it was like I suddenly came into existence with several of my nieces and nephews and became just another "auntie". I noticed it with my friend's 3 girls because now, all of a sudden, they want to play with me. It's so cool, because in my past, it was never really adults who I feared would say something disparaging to me about my obesity, it was kids so to now have that complete 180 is just divine because I really like kids.

The "bad idea" of this whole thing is that I still can not shake this cold and it is taking it's toll. On my way home this morning, I had to stop buy and pick up some drugs from Kroger and hopefully they will help. I was going to go with the elixirs but I didn't see any diabetic/sugar free kind and I was too lazy to go down to Publix down the street where I know they sell sugar free cold medicine. I am completely worn out and I just finished a protein shake, will make me some eggs & bacon (or maybe some soup) in an hour or so and then it's nap-time for Tia. I'm not running a fever, but I am freezing my butt off. Sigh.

My poop as of late has been liquidy and kinda foamy ... TMI, I know. I may be eating too much fat (KFC). I am going to pick up another bucket today, but I am going to freeze most of it and try to not eat so much on any given day, that should help. I think the protein shakes are also a cause, but can't do anything about that right now.

I weighed in this morning at 281.4 lbs. Total loss of 235.2 lbs. Woo-hoo! Slowly, but surely....

Mmmmm....FOOOD!!!

Is it possible to eat your own self out of house and home? I feel like I can eat anything if it ain't nailed down. All this eating is paying off, got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 284.2 lbs. That's 7 lbs in 2 days. Yeah, right. Anyway, it's at least going in the right direction! My new motto is going to be: "When in doubt, eat protein!"

Protein drinks/shakes are such a wonderful thing, I love 'em. Most, if not all, are not the greatest tasting stuff in the world, but boy do they make post-DS life sooooo much easier. Seems like it is just one of those things that will need to be in my life for quite awhile, if not forever. Here's the thing though, when I get to that point where I don't want/need to lose any more weight, will I need those protein drinks? I don't know. While we're on the subject, if I had to breakdown my "worst fears" when it comes to having had the duodenal switch, it would be like 99% of the total fear would be about the surgery not working and me not losing all the weight. 1% of that fear is losing all the weight I ever wanted to lose ... and then some ... and then not being able to stop it. Craziness, huh? A tiny part of me drifts off into that territory when I do eat like crap and still lose weight. In some respects, it's completely unfathomable to me considering where I started from, but I guess anything can happen. I'm not giving it much thought though, I still have a good 100 lbs to lose and God willing, I can make it happen in the next 10 months.

Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a "Girl's Night In" kind of thing but I can't seem to shake this cold and don't want to pass it on so I might just stay home. I actually got some sleep last night, but had to fall asleep with a Hall's in my mouth and I bundled up big time. I usually can only sleep in a pair of lounge shorts and a t-shirt, then I have a sheet and my duvet. Last night I wore sweat pants, a t-shirt AND a long sleeved shirt over that PLUS I put a heavy blanket over my duvet and I was out like a light. Right now, I am still kinda cold. It's maybe 55 degrees outside. I just feel like there is this elusive level of warmth/toastiness that I can't seem to get a hold of unless I'm taking a hot shower or wearing ridiculous amounts of clothing.

I am currently eating my last piece of KFC and am plotting to get some more. God, this stuff makes life easy and it's pretty inexpensive. Not the healthiest stuff in the world, but I ain't worrying about that right now, that's what vitamins are for! Just kidding. I'll worry about eating healthier when I get the protein thing nailed down.

:)

Friend: Knock, knock.
Me: Whose there?
Friend: Interrupting cow.
Me: Interrup---
Friend: Moooooooooooooooooo!
Me: hahaha (...for the next two days)

I don't know why that cracks me up, but it does ... I am so easily amused, it's sad.

Anyway, why is it that the more I eat, the hungrier I seem to be? So far today I have had the following:

M1: Isopure Protein RTD
M2: 2 chicken drumsticks
M3: IDS protein shake
M4: Chicken drumstick
M5: 1/2 turkey/salami wrap
M6: Chicken thigh
M7: Chicken thigh

Right, I am hungry and I JUST ate... Sigh...

This cold I have kinda sucks. It's a lot of nasal drip, a little sore throat and I feel cold all the time. I can't sleep because I just get clogged up and can't breathe. Ugh. I can drink lots of warm, comforting beverages though, so that's nice.

When I was in Barbados, not once did I lament the fact that I could not weigh myself. Not once. I could not have cared less. The unbelievable is happening y'all, I am seriously thinking about not weighing every day. It is such a pain in the ass and I just don't want to, but it's kinda like something I have been doing for what seems like forever. The problem is that I am torn between wanting to lose the last 100 or lbs and just living a freakin' normal life and eating as normal as possible. It is much, much harder than I thought. Crazy thing is that even when I do eat like total crap, the weight still is coming off, granted, not very fast, but it is. Even though I'm clocking it at 288.4 lbs (as of this morning....grrr) my clothes are loser than a couple of weeks ago. I don't know, I am hoping that I can snap myself back on track -- permanently and not have to deal with all this back and forth crap. I want to be done already, I just got get my head right which is soooooo hard sometimes. Times like these I really miss support group....

Oh Joy...

I am consuming protein like there's no tomorrow ... like it's going out of style ... like there is a limited world supply ... like my life depended on it. Right now I'm chugging an Isopure Zero Carb RTD like it's friggin' Kool-Aid. This is, of course, after I ate a chicken thigh AND mixed a test scoop of the IDS Vanilla Cinnamon I just got in the mail today. I'll probably top off the day around 250+ grams. I had been averaging around 90 if I was lucky. Not enough. Clearly, I was getting lulled into some very bad eating habits, not being vigilant like I should. For shame, Tia, for shame! I chastise myself because protein deficiency is not something to mess around with. I had never found myself in a position to not want any food and unbelievably, that is exactly where I found myself. It is a very difficult thing to try to describe and a very difficult, at least for me, thing for me to overcome, but I think I am emerging from it. Three weeks ago, I could barely get two mediocre meals in a day, today, it feels like I am starving and there's not enough food in the world. My metabolism, along with my appetite is starting to blossom. My meals so far today:

M1: Isopure RTD (40g protein)
M2: Chili (28g)
M3: Isopure RTD (40g)
M4: Chili and a handful of potato chips (28g)
M5: Chicken Thigh (33g)
M6: IDS Vanilla Cinnamon Protein Drink (26g)
M7: Isopure RTD (40g)

I know that's a lot of protein, but I have to make up for 4-6 weeks of sucky suckitude. Truth be told, I could eat another chicken thigh...

I am retaining water like mad. I really, really, really want to permanently stay off the diuretics, I just don't think they're necessary. I'm all puffy right now, but I think with a little work in keeping my protein up and getting in enough water, I will be okay. Right now, my weight is up. I weighed in this morning at a whopping 291.2 lbs. Not happy about that, but I'm not panicking just yet, just a little pissed. I know it's temporary and I know that I just have some work to do to get back on track.

Since I've been home from Barbados, I've been battling a cold or something and I've been more tired than usual. All I want to do is sleep and drink warm liquids. It doesn't help that the weather here in Atlanta has been rainy and cold. Ugh. Typically I like this kind of weather except for the fact that this year, I have no warm clothes. It might soon be time to hit up Target, Ross and possibly Good Will to find at least some warm stuff. I may do that this weekend.

Lately I've been pooping like a true DSer which is unusual for me. I usually Ms. Constipation, but not for the past week, it may be the increased water and protein drinks, I'm not sure. I don't mind so much except that it makes it a little difficult to time things. I want to start walking/jogging again and I don't want to be caught out on the trail with an urgent need to poop. Not cool. I'm hoping it's a transitional thing and my body will return to some kind of normal routine. I'm all about the routine!

My friend, N, from my support group got switched this week and my thoughts have certainly been with her. BP is going overseas this weeks so I have had little time to myself away from my desk, but if N is still in the hospital tomorrow, I will make a trip to go see her. I am so happy for her!

Low Protein...

Oh boy. I have not been getting enough protein and I am feeling the effects physically and seeing the effects on the scale. I allowed my very bad case of food aversion to get the best of me. I got off my diuretics a couple of days ago because I still felt a tightness in my legs which is a classic sign of low-protein and I didn't think it was a good idea to stay on them if they were hiding symptoms of something more important. So today I went out to GNC and bought a case of Isopure Zero Carb RTD bottles, each having 40g of protein each. I also went out and bought a bucket of chicken. Each leg/thigh combo has around 33g of protein and around 11g carbs. My plan is to get in 200+ grams of protein a day. I'm gonna drink 3 Isopures a day until my order from Vitacost comes. My problem is that I just can't eat that much, not as much as I could, I'm not sure why, I probably need to nurse my ulcer a little more and I think "large" volumes of food cause me issues. So I'm doing 3 protein drinks a day and 2 meals. That should be good. Yesterday I tried to get in all in food, but failed miserably.

My weight this morning was 289.2 lbs which is ludicrous but indicative of (1) getting off the diuretics and (2) not eating enough. Hopefully in a week or so, things will change.

Ever vigilant...

The List

While I was in Barbados, I carried my reporter-style Moleskine notebook with me everywhere and at night at the end of each day, I would just jot down all the things we did. Here is that list:

Friday
- Sat at poolside on a plastic lounge chair (woo-hoo!!!!)
- Went to Oistin's Fish Fry, ate grilled Marlin & Dolphin
- Had a rum punch
- Went grocery shopping

Saturday
- Swam in ocean (FUN!!!!)
- Went to Bubba's for college football games (my team lost)
- Ate best candy ever (British) can't remember name

Sunday
- Saw a cricket match... I don't get it.
- Walked back from grocery store (no problem!)
- Went to Bubba's for NFL games (my team lost...grrr)
- Went to St. Lawrence Gap
- Danced with reckless abandon at McBride's til early in the AM
- Drank a rum punch

Monday
- Size 24 skirt too big (What was I thinking?!?), wore the XL one
- Swam in ocean
- Drank BBC, Pina colada
- Danced w/ reckless abandon @ wedding

Tuesday
- Went on a 3-hour catamaran trip (did not get sick!)
- Mount Gay Rum Tour (drank wonderful rum concoction before tour....bad idea)
- Ate best meal in Barbados at side of the road food shack.
- Fish Fry in friend's room... good food & good friends

Wednesday
- Swam in the ocean, again (did handstands and flips in the water)
- Went out to the Gap for dinner, had a Pina colada
- Outdoor karaoke til 1 AM (funny!!!)

Thursday
- Slept in late
- Breakfast on the beach

Good stuff. I would not have done 75% of the above had it not been for my DS.

I like...

...how moving in the world is nearly effortless now.
...squeezing in tight spaces, passing people by without the fear of brushing up against them, fitting.
...lounging around in a comfy pair of jeans and not a loose and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants.
...getting into my car and not having to scoot over in order for the door to close.
...passing people in the airport while I'm carrying two bags.
...wearing a t-shirt with no numbers or X's before the L.

Post-Vacation Ramblings

You know you were tired when you apparently go to bed just before 10PM and wake up past 9AM and it only seems like five minutes have passed. You know you were tired when you don't even remember falling asleep. You know you were tired when you've been up for a couple of hours and want to crawl back under the covers.

Weight this morning: 284.0 lbs. Total loss: 232.6 lbs.

I lost 2.6 lbs over my vacation. Pretty awesome. I guess my strategy worked. What was my strategy? Lots of protein, get in at least 64 oz of water. My first trip post-op caused me a bunch of problems because my eating was all over the place and I certainly wasn't getting enough protein or water over the 5-6 days I was gone and came home weighing 3-4 lbs heavier. I had a crazy case of diarrhea & constipation. Strange. The previous trip, I made sure I got my protein and water in, I bought a case of bottled water, I bought protein shakes, I bought Churches chicken, but I also didn't limit myself. If I wanted enchiladas, I ate them (I also made sure they were beef). If I wanted some mac & cheese, I ate it. I just always had some protein and I came home weighing 3 lbs less. This trip, pretty much the same and I came home down just under 3 lbs. Not bad.

Another thing I tried to do was to start my day off right. Since our room at the resort had a kitchenette, on our first full day in Barbados we went to the grocery store to stock up. We bought stuff for sandwiches/wraps, bottled water, snacks, etc. I brought my 32 oz water bottle and every morning I started off the day with 32 oz of water and my vitamins. Just before we left I had a wrap or some chicken or leftover fish. The rest of the day, I just made sure that whatever I was eating, I had a good amount of protein, whether it was fish or chicken or shrimp or whatever at each meal. Luckily, fish is plentiful and inexpensive in Barbados and I ate a lot of it. I think I had fish (flying fish, Marlin, Dolphin, Wahu, Mahi-mahi) at least once a day there. Lastly, at night I tried to get in another 16-32 oz of water.

It wasn't perfect, but it worked. I was still able to enjoy a drink probably once a day and I enjoyed plenty of local cuisine - cou cou, macaroni pie, rum candy, jam puffs. Good stuff and not once did anyone comment about my eating habits.

Couple more random thoughts about my trip:
(1) Flying this time was different than the last time I flew, literally a couple of weeks ago. Again, I fit in the seats and could put the tray table down, but my butt started to hurt within a 1/2 hour on the plane and ditto with my back. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why. It was quite miserable. The only comfortable position for me was to lean forward with my elbows on the tray table, that took the pressure off my butt and back. Weirdness.

(2) I swear, at some point during the trip, I dropped a clothes size. Every single item of clothing I brought was much bigger than I thought. Good grief. My shorts are baggy, yes, but they seemed ridiculous...I don't know, maybe I was fooling myself beforehand. Luckily the weather is turning cool and I will soon be retiring a good bit of my warm weather clothes because I sure as hell don't plan on wearing this stuff (or rather I sure as hell don't plan on being the same size) next summer. A pair of capris that I didn't take with me because they were too snug are now, as of last night, perfect. I wore a size XL skirt to the wedding. My 2X t-shirts are now too big.

(3) At the wedding - which was the purpose of this whole trip - all the bridesmaids sans the maid of honor were the bride's sisters. They were all tall, lean, beautiful and outgoing. The entire week, I was fascinated by them. I think all of them were probably between a size 4 and 10. Needless to say, they got a lot of attention. I won't say I felt any jealousy or anything, but I found myself wanting to be them one day. I am happy with my weight loss so far and certainly want to lose more, but seeing these women really made me want to really shoot for hitting a normal BMI, which would mean weighing like 175 lbs or possibly a few lbs less. When I look at myself in the mirror and when I look at some of the pictures I took in Barbados, I still look pretty darn big, I mean, I am, I weigh like 285 lbs. That's not a normal weight. I guess the issue is that I just want to not stand out, I don't want to be the fat girl in the group anymore. I am certainly much more closer to being just one of the girls than a year ago, but I still have another year's worth of work to go. I can tell this is one issue I will be struggling with for awhile.

(4) When I met my friend, S, at the Miami airport, he didn't, at first, recognize me. When I saw my other friend, D - the groom, in the hotel lobby, he too didn't recognize me at first and gave the standard guy response "you look good, real good". That initial blank stare of non-recognition from your friends is priceless.

(5) I did not have a single problem sitting in any chair, riding in any cramped bus, van, car or boat nor did I have any problems, walking, running or climbing.

(6) This is probably good news, but I will never be a serious drinker. Barbados is the birth place of rum, so as you can imagine, rum is everywhere, I'm surprised it didn't come out the faucets. We went out a few nights to a club or two and I didn't place any limits as to how much I'd drink, but honestly, one drink (if that) and I was done. I could feel it immediately, but then it just made me incredibly sleepy which isn't much fun at a crowded club or at dinner. Over the entire week, I think I had two rum punches, two pina coladas, some kind of fruity rum drink on the Mount Gay Rum tour and this drink called a BBC (Bailey's, bananas and something, I don't remember). That's it and I didn't finish 1/2 of it, I don't think. At the wedding reception, there was an open bar and needless to say, most people took full advantage. That night I had 1/2 of the BBC and 1/2 of a Pina colada. I drank more water than anything else, but I think I had my first full sugar Coke since surgery. Tasted funny. In Barbados, they call it "fat" Coke, Diet Coke is called "Coke Light". Most of the alcoholic drinks were pretty darn delicious, but I am just one of those folks that just can not tolerate alcohol that well and I can't seem to manufacture a desire for it, but I am more than content to know that I can have a drink on special occasions and for the most part be okay. BTW, I brought back 6 bottles of rum from Barbados and didn't keep one.

For some reason, I didn't poop at all yesterday, but boy have I since I woke up this morning. I started feeling a little queasy when my friend and I sat down for dinner at the Miami airport late Thursday night. Ugh. Although I am certainly glad I had a week's vacation, I am kinda glad to be home and to enjoy the comforts of.

I am taking it easy this weekend, need to recover and prepare myself for a very busy next couple of weeks. BP is out of town in a couple of days, she is going overseas for two weeks so that leaves me in charge...woo-hoo! Nah, it won't be too bad, just busy.

Tanned and happy!

Back from Barbados! I had the best time for sure! I am sad I missed my support group meeting though...that sucks, but I truly had a great vacation and had the opportunity to do so many thing that I hadn't done before. I will share all the gory details later!!! Got a meeting in an hour so I gotta run!

Barbados

...is lovely! Well, I am starting my 2nd full day in Barbados and it's absolutely blissful. I just wanted to post a quick note about the one I did that I hadn't done before. I sat by the hotel pool and read a book took a nap on a plastic lounge chair. I've always been afraid of lounge chairs, but I didn't have any problems. First day food-wise was a little sketchy, we ended up going to the grocery store for some food stuffs as it's much more practical to have at least one or two meals a day in your room. Water is also a challenge, but I bought several gallons and am trying to get in at least 64 oz a day.

The beach is lovely and I could seriously live here the rest of my days. Haven't gotten in the water yet, but will make an effort to at least dangle my toes in the ocean. Last night we went to the Friday night fish fry where there are dozens of vendors selling grilled fish - marlin, dolphin, flying fish - that as caught earlier in the day along with a small variety of side items. There was music, drinks, souvenir vendors, etc. It was cool, apparently it is the Barbadian place to be on a Friday night. I had the marlin, it as grand, will be eating the rest of it for lunch today.

Anyway, lots of fun to be had!

Size 16

For the rest of my days, I will forever be confused about clothes sizes. When I went home in early June, my mom gave me this great skirt, size 16. Needless to say, I couldn't wear it when I tried it on, couldn't even zip it up. Today, while going through my stacks upon stacks of clothes trying to figure out what the hell to take on my trip, I decided to try on the skirt. Why, oh, why does it fit now, barely, but if I had my Spanx on, it would have been snug, but wearable? Size 16. Yeah, right. I wear like a size 22 in jeans, why the disparity? Ugh. I wish there was some consistency, but I guess that is too much to hope for. It's a very pretty fall/winter skirt and I really like it a lot and I am very much happy that I can probably wear it with confidence come Thanksgiving time.

Anyway, I am working on my 2nd load of laundry, already went shopping and got my supplies and now I have a couple hours worth of work to do before the morning. I still have to do my hair and pack, so I am looking at maybe getting in around 6 hours worth of sleep I think if I decide not to head into the office tomorrow, 2-4 if I decided to go in. We'll see.

Another long night....

Thankfully, my headache is, for the most part, gone, but last night was brutal. First of all, I could not get warm. I went to bed around 10:30 PM which is early for me, I didn't even get to finish watching Damages. I hadn't had the air on all day and the thermostat read 83 degrees. I settled in my normal shorts & t-shirt and I had a sheet, my big duvet AND a thick blanket and I snuggled in bed. Now, the headache I had was one of those where you can feel your heartbeat radiate in your head. Sucks. Lots of throbbing pain. I tried to lie still but the throbbing continued and I couldn't sleep. Around 11:45 I got a phone call from a friend and I talked to her for a couple of minutes then tried to go to sleep. No go. Then around 2:15 AM, another freaking phone call from another friend who just wanted to talk, so I chatted with him til around 3. By then I was on fire and sweating pretty profusely. I got up, cranked the air on, took some Tylenol and with an hour or so I was asleep. I woke up around 7 and went to potty and went back to bed. I finally got up at around 9 AM with no headache, just some intermittent throbbing. So weird, but I am happy it is gone. I think BP triggered a migraine. Grrrrrr.

Anyway, I've been eating very clean the last couple of days and I weighed in this morning at 286.6 lbs which makes it an even 230 lbs lost so far. Just a little 28 lbs away from losing 1/2 my body weight. Craziness. I still don't think I am eating enough and I am looking forward to cranking it up when I get home.

Today I have to run out and pick up some supplies to take with me to Barbados. I am going to pick up some protein bars, one of those Rubbermaid type water bottles that I can fill up and take with me on my jaunts around the island, some more multivitamins, some baby wipes (just in case) and some sunflower seed kernels - man, I am addicted to this stuff, perfectly satisfies my desire for salty crunchy snacks. Each 1 oz serving has 170 calories, 15g fat, 5g carbs (4g fiber) and 6g of protein. Yum.

The next 24 hours are going to hectic. I have to wrap up a bunch of work, get my hair done, do laundry, pack and a few other tidbits. Hopefully I can get it all done AND sneak in a couple hours of sleep!

Passport

I just thought of something. I will be using my passport to go to Barbados. I look nothing like my passport photo... although I do have the same glasses...

I hope it's not going to be a problem.

Barbados here I come!

So Thursday afternoon, I hop on a plane to Barbados. Woo-hoo! I'm fairly excited, but honestly can't wait to get back and get things rolling in my life again. I feel like I'm settling and need to not do that. Anyway, the plan is to relax (clear my head) and take as many pictures as I can. Luckily my best friend is of the same mind. I was afraid he'd want to do a lot of running around and such. He's bringing a couple of books he's been waiting to read and I will do the same, but I plan to do a bit of walking around and staring at the ocean.

I've had this crazy headache since yesterday afternoon after an argument with my business partner. I could bop her one! Anyway, enough of that crap. I took a couple of Tylenols and went to bed only to wake up several hours later with it still lingering around. Ugh. It's one of those throbbing ones where you can hear your heart beat in your head. Speaking of, mine is bordering on around 40 beats per minutes. Craziness.

I have been eating fairly light for the past several weeks, around 90-120g of protein. What has been missing from my diet is protein drinks. I think I need to return them to my diet. My weight loss is a little sluggish now and I feel a little sluggish. After spending most of my life significantly anemic, it's hard for me to notice gradual changes in my energy levels. Today I certainly feel it, but maybe it's all in my head. There's just a lot of things going on in my life right now. When I visited my parents, it was great because I had the opportunity to have real conversations with them and gauge how they are getting along. I guess it's increasingly stressful to see them aging and not getting along as well as they did. I guess it's really hitting me that they are not going to be around forever and I really do have to make sure I make the most of the time we have with them. I think I mentioned this before, but some of my other siblings are just caught up in old shit, they still like to blame our parents for the crap in their lives. When I was younger, I was just like them, but I just made a choice that I wasn't going to ruin my life with regrets and I certainly wasn't going to ruin the relationship I have with my parents now with bullshit. The one thing I do NOT want is to feel guilty when they are no longer with us. That ain't gonna be me and I know that is exactly going to be the case with some of my siblings. I am going to try my best to do right by them. It's just hard. Anyway, my dad is probably coming to town in a month or so to visit with his side of the family here in Georgia so that will be good. In all honesty, it'll probably be his last trip out here as it's difficult for him to travel from so far away. When he does come, I'm gonna make sure he has a good old time.

Anyway, I have no idea what to wear to a garden wedding in Barbados...I have a few sun dresses, a couple that are very colorful. Ugh. Any ideas? Could I wear a light colored skirt and a blouse?

When I get back I have to go shopping in the next several weeks. I have very little in the way of fall/winter clothes.

Weight this morning is 288.8lbs. Ugh.

Guy, part III

Weight this morning: 287.4 lbs.

Today I am really grateful for the relationship I have with my mom. I look at the relationship with BP and her daughter and it's sad. They both operate in the defensive and are quick to anger and never give each other the benefit of the doubt. Often I find myself playing mediator and I know I can't nor do I want to solve their issues for them, but I do know that the yelling and antagonizing is unnecessary, hell that would save about 90% of their aggravation, but they must like getting all crazy on each other. They keep doing it and don't bother to try to change. Oh well.

I took a set of progress photos in my birthday suit this morning. A few observations: I look horrible naked BUT much better than before. The best word to describe how I look now vs. before is deflated. I still have a good bit on weight in my thighs that I really want to reduce. My top half is looking okay, but the bottom half definitely needs more work. With the side views, the change is much more dramatic than the front/back views. It looks like I've been reduced in 1/2. The front/back views, however, do show that I've acquired a waist! I'm not completely mortified, what's interesting is that I do feel a sense of "hmmm, there is a lot of work to be done". I totally see where the next 60-100 lbs are coming from. So now, I think I've changed my mind, yet again. I think I am going to shoot for sub-200 lbs. If I had never started at 516, and say started this journey at 350 lbs, I don't think I would even be entertaining setting my goal at anything over 200 lbs. Why should I do that now? Yep, I'm shooting for 195 lbs. That's firmly sub-200 and will give me plenty of wiggle room after plastics. I really want most of the weight I lose from plastics to be skin, not fat with some skin on the side. I want to leave the land of the "plus size clothes". I want to be normal. I want people to look at me (fully clothed) and never know I was super morbidly obese. By the way, my BMI is a funky fresh 40.7! Down from 72.1! Pretty damn cool!

Anyway, on a more completely superficial note, long time readers may remember Guy. Well, he is coming back to town again...ugh. My how things have changed from a year ago. I still don't know how I completely feel about seeing him. There's a tiny bit of me that still has these feelings for him. Truth be told, I want to see his reaction. I've been lucky in that a lot of my college friends still do not know I have had surgery and so the word has not spread to any great extent. I think he last saw me in like 2003 and I probably weighed around 425 lbs or so. I don't know, I blew him off last year so he's probably not too keen on seeing me. I probably won't bother, but he sure has entered my thoughts.

So freakin' disappointing.

» Marion Jones admits to doping

Booooooo!

I'm typically more inclined to babble on and on about my experiences thus far with the Duodenal Switch and post-op life, but this caught my eye last night and really bummed me out. Damn. I'm so disappointed in her. I don't like cheating and I especially don't like cheaters who lie and lie and lie some more. I'm a big sports fan and like most Americans, I get caught up in the Olympics, especially the Summer Games, and especially high profile sports like Track & Field. I love the passion of it all and I love fair competition, there are so many great stories to be witnessed. Marion's story was one of those, she really captured the hearts of many fans. To find out now, it was all a sham, just aggravates me. I feel the same way about Barry Bonds (as far as I'm concerned, Hank Aaron is still the home-run champ). Sigh. I don't know, this is just so utterly sad, I wish she hadn't cheated and I can't imagine the rough road the rest of her life will entail. I wish her the best as I'm sure she is regretting her decisions and there are certainly lessons to be learned here: Choose better!

The Toughest Months

October, November and December. Is there another three month stretch during the calendar that is fraught with so many opportunities to eat disasterously as these three? I went to the grocery store on my way back from the airport yesterday because I knew I didn't have much food in the house and there was an entire aisle full of freaking Halloween candy. Good grief! Now, I'm not much of a candy person, I was never one to indulge in it pre-op and have zero desire for it now, but man, the sheer amount of it is a little disconcerting. Yes, I can successfully avoid it at the store, but there were already two bags of it at BP's house and I can imagine she ain't the only one who has decided to celebrate Halloween a little early. Then there's the big holiday season...the weather starts to turn, more people turn to comforting foods, and then from like mid-November to the end of the year, incredibly delicious, yet bad for my DS foods abound. What to do, what to do?

I need a strategy. Who am I kidding? I want and fully expect to indulge in some of those goodies, but I don't want to fall into a trap of swimming in the stuff. I remember last year at support group, one of the ladies there, B, who I admire greatly, said that Halloween is one day, Thanksgiving is one day, Christmas is one day. Enjoy all that stuff on those days, not the 3 or four days before and after. Such good advice. Between now and the end of the year, besides my Barbados trip, I don't anticipate having too travel too much so that's probably good. I basically ignore Halloween (just not something I get into). Thanksgiving, I can see maybe that day and maybe the day after being problematic and Christmas this year is on a Tuesday, so I am looking at maybe just Christmas Eve and Christmas being issues. New Year's hasn't been a big food day for me so I'm not worried about that.

Right now two things are competing as most important as I go down the homestretch of weight loss and look toward maintenance. One, is to lose the freakin' weight and get to goal, wherever "goal" might mean. I want to be a success at this. I don't want any regrets about not getting to goal. Wrapped up in that as well, is not wanting to "diet" after I get to goal. Two, I want to learn how to maintain and build those habits that will maintain my success long term. What I have learned is that I can tolerate a lot more carbs than I initially thought BUT eating more carbs means I am eating far too few protein grams. Not eating enough protein also affects how I feel. When I get my protein in, I feel better, I feel more energy, I feel more alert and ready. Eating carbs makes me feel sluggish and tired. Ditto with water, the more water I drink, the better I feel. I get dehydrated easily, seems to have gotten worse the more weight I lose. I get dehydration headaches and/or get dizzy if I don't get my water in, it's crazy. That was something I wasn't anticipating at all. It's a little surprising, to tell the truth, because I knew water was good for me in and of itself, it helps your kidneys, it helps to flush the fat, etc., etc., but I didn't anticipate the quick-acting negative effects of not drinking enough water. Not fun. I tell ya one thing though and this is sort of a tangent, but I am so, so very glad I gave up full sugar sodas/drinks years ago. That crap is probably the most detrimental thing to a post-op there is. At some point you can get full on cake and cookies and shit, but you can chug full sugar drinks like there is no tomorrow. That crap is the #1 way you can sabotage your surgery and your success. You can really pack in the sugar and pack on the pounds drinking that stuff every day. I don't touch the stuff, not at all and I strongly advise any and everyone to avoid it like the plague, there is absolutely nothing good about sugary drinks, nothing. What's scary about it is that there is little feedback (besides "unexplained" weight gain) that you are getting too much sugar. There are no "I'm full" signals being set off so you keep drinking it and drinking it and the next thing you know, you've gained 40 lbs and blame it on the fact that your surgery failed. Nuh-uh, not even worth it. I have learned to prefer diet drinks and although they too have little or no nutritional value, at least they avoid the big giant negative of sugar.

Anyway, I am looking at the next 6 months or so as a time for me to really learn how to practice good long term habits. I don't want to be high maintenance for the rest of my life. I just need to define what my minimum requirements are (nutrition, water, supplementation, exercise) and be able to easily meet those requirements for the rest of my life.

There is only one thing I miss about being 500+ lbs and that is the ability to pop my back. When I had much more bulk than I do know, I could stand up, put my two fists in the small of my back, anchored on my roll of pudge above my butt, arch my back and pop the vertebrae all the way up to relieve tension. It felt soooo good and I can't do it now and it's driving me nuts. If I can figure out another way to get this accomplished, I will be a happy camper. I saw this apparatus in the SkyMall magazine on the plane ride the other day that I think might work so I may have to check it out. It was sort of like a 1/2 moon thingy that you lie down on to arch you back, but it does give some support. Must look into it.

Weight this morning: 289.6 lbs. Grrr.

Shrimp & Chicken

The chicken that I ate so much of when I was home was Church's Chicken. Man that stuff was good! It was like the best tasting chicken ever. In reality, this is not the case, obviously, but it was absolutely delicious. The chicken I've been struggling with trying to deal with doesn't taste that moist and juicy and doesn't go down very easy. God only knows what they're doing to that chicken, maybe I don't really want to know, but it was good. I went online and checked the carbs & protein content, about 3g carbs for the legs and around 8g for the thighs. Not bad.

This morning I had shrimp which I sauteed with butter, garlic, salt & pepper. Yum! I tried eating eggs and I about hurled. I just can not do it which is troublesome because eggs have been a staple food for me for over a year. I take a bite and my gag reflex kicks in. I guess I have to give it some time to resolve itself.

Weight this morning: 288.8 lbs. Total loss: 227.8 lbs. Buh-bye 290's! I'm notching a 15.2 lb loss for month 13 which isn't entirely accurate because I am weighing in a couple of days late, but in the long run, it doesn't matter. I am making up the difference at the end of month 14 so it's all good.

I saw a friend yesterday who hadn't seen me in a little over 5 months. She freaked out. Good grief. I think I've lost around 60-70 lbs since she last saw me back in mid-April. She called me skinny. Whatever!

My sister gave me a lesson on how to walk. When I was struggling through the 10K a month ago, my waddle became incredibly noticeable to me. I had asked her to help me with my walk and with my posing. She commented to me a few weeks ago how I sometimes look like I'm taking a mug shot in some of my progress photos or rather that I have the exact same lame pose. I spent a good 1/2 hour with a book on my head walking back and forth on my other sister's back patio. Head up, shoulders back, stomach in, long strides, try to keep one foot in front of the other, confident smile. Not as easy as it sounds and definitely something to work on. My hips were killing me afterwards, I need to build those surrounding muscles and am going to try to pay attention to my stride throughout my day to day, especially on my walks. I walk like I weigh 500+ lbs. I don't want to walk like that anymore...hell, who does?

Again with the shopping...

My mom and I were supposed to go shopping while I was home, but I panicked and was able to get out of it. I did, however, come home with a few things from my mom. A nice cream colored long-sleeve tunic and this frou-frou kind of skirt. That was it, I was actually surprised my mom didn't make a bigger deal out of the whole thing. I told y'all about my habit of wearing men's jeans, yes? Well, the first pair from Walmart that I bought were a size 50 waist. Those lasted a couple of weeks, I then bought two pairs of 48's and a pair of 46's. This was mid-August. Those 46's are now too big but I guess I will hang onto them for the fall/winter. Layers, I'm thinking about layers. I may do away with men's clothes all together and find some women's jeans that fit. There has got to be some out there that don't cost a freakin' fortune.

I didn't take nearly as many photos as I had wanted, but I did take a couple of interesting ones. One specifically is of my sister, S and me standing next to each other. In the photo, we are nearly the same size and I am about an inch or so taller. A little over a year ago, we were in a picture of the two of us, again standing next to each other, however in this picture, I look a good 4-6 inches taller than the picture we took a couple of days ago. How does that happen? So weird. It's feeding into my budding paranoia that I'm shrinking. Mildly disconcerting.

I don't know about you, and maybe some of y'all who have been morbidly obese most of your lives can relate, but I have THE hardest time trying to figure out how much a person weighs. I am a very poor judge of weight, my experience is so skewed that I usually don't even come close. I was looking at my mom who is probably 5'6" and weighs around 185 lbs, but you'd never believe it -- or maybe that's just me, but she's a mere 10 lbs or so below where I want to be and now I am seriously rethinking my thought process about what my goal weight might be. Ain't no way I'm gonna look good at that weight! That really blew my mind. 199.8 for me might be cool, but it may not be smart...Actually, as time goes on, 250 seems like a more reasonable goal...but I'll be aggressive and shoot for somewhere around 225...it would be cool to hit 216.6 for an even 300 lbs loss though. We'll see.

A couple things about my trip that I wanted to mention now that I have had some time to think about it. One of the first things I did when I got to my parent's was to go out and buy a case of water bottle and 2 four-packs of ready-to-drink protein drinks. I probably went through 4-5 16oz bottles a day. I think this was one of my problems last time, I wasn't getting my water in. With the protein drinks, I think I only drank four total, but since I was eating a lot of protein anyway, it wasn't a big huge priority to get those in, but if I noticed that I went a 3-4 hours without eating enough protein, I made sure I chugged down a protein shake, luckily that didn't happen too often. I think I did much better at things this time around, but still, there is some improvement that needs to be made. In about a week and a half, I have my Barbados trip and that will definitely be a challenge being in an unfamiliar setting without all the comforts of home. Eek!

Back home.

I don't travel well. This is definitely a problem for me post-DS. Well, let me clarify first, I don't eat well enough when I travel. It's hard. I've been visiting with my parents the last several days and have eaten like crap. I had a lot of fried chicken and beef enchiladas, and I mean a lot, I think I had chicken every day I was home and boy was it good and the best part is it did not cause any gastro problems. Neither did the enchiladas. Woo-hoo! My eating wasn't ideal - by far - but it was protein packed and then wonder of all wonders, I got on the scale this afternoon and I weighed in at 289.8 lbs. I actually lost weight. Holy crap. That is so awesome! I do not have an official 9/30 weigh-in so whatever the scale says tomorrow is what I will use.

Getting on an airplane this time around was better than when I flew the first time post-DS back in early June, believe it or not! I could walk down the terminal and pass people by because THEY were going too slow NOT me. I could walk down the aisle of the plane without having to maneuver sideways. I could fit more comfortably in my seat. I could put the tray table down and put my drink on it (WOO-HOO!!!!). I could drag my laptop bag, my camera bag and my big suitcase from my car to the check-in counter without (1) struggling (2) breaking a sweat (3) having to stop to rest. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Good stuff! I used to really hate flying and now it's such an amazing thing to be unburdened by all the stress that flying as a super morbidly obese entails. I really had no worries and it was great!

The trip itself was somewhat stressful, but I won't go into that right now. I really need to let my thoughts and concerns go to the wayside for a few hours while I try to recover. I honestly maybe got like 20 hours of sleep over the entire 5 days. I have no idea how or why I am still awake. Craziness. Now that I am home in my own house, I can feel the fatigue creeping up on me so I will probably catch a quick nap and then get some work done because there is a lot of it!