Done!

Finally, my MRI was performed this morning and what an ordeal! Actually, it wasn't all that bad, the worst part was the lady trying to find a vein in my left arm, then the back of my hand, then finally calling another lady who found a vein in my right arm. I don't know what it is, but the last few nurses have had a hard time finding veins for me and it's so annoying. Today it really hurt -- enough for me to say "OUCH!", in fact, it still freakin' hurts! Not fun. The MRI, in and of itself, was as loud and as boring as I had heard and read. Mine took about an hour and I really tried not to move as I didn't want to have to do it over. A couple of times, I wanted to fall asleep, but I had to fight the urge as, again, I could just see myself nodding off and allowing my head to cock to the side. Nope, I was all about the "one and done." Luckily, the MRI machine was an open one so my fears of claustrophobia didn't come to fruition, but I did have a few moments of feeling like I might be getting to a point where I felt like I couldn't breathe. Hard to describe accurately, but my head was in this thing and the top of the MRI was probably less than 8 inches from my face. I definitely felt like if I were a panicky person, I would have panicked. All in all, not as horrific as I thought it could be. I should have the results mid-week, now I feel like I can relax a little and just calm the heck down.

That's exactly what I am going to do.

Deformed?!?

I went to pick up my test orders for my MRI tomorrow. I am anxious about it, I can't help but to be a little neurotic. I haven't been sleeping well all week, it's not that I'm scared, just ... anxious to done already. The doc attached a copy of my X-Ray results:

Lateral View of the Sella Turcica 2/12/2008:

History: Patient with history of absent menstruation.

Findings: The lateral view ofthe skull shows a deformed appearance of the sella turcica, which would suggest a space-occupying lesion in the pituitary fossa. Dedicated pituitary MRI examination is recommended.

Impression: Deformed appearance of the sella turcica, which would suggest a space-occupying lesion in the pituitary fossa. Dedicated pituitary MRI examination is recommended.

Sounds freakin' serious, don't it? Dang! Well, I just be glad when it's over. Hopefully, I'll have the results early next week.

The Big 3-4!

Last night I had my official birthday festivities. We started the night off at a steakhouse restaurant in Roswell called Stoney River. I had driven past there a ton of times and a friend of mine had been raving about it for two years so we finally went. It was great! I went with two friends and I had crab cakes with lemon caper sauce as an appetizer, but I have to ask, what is with crab cakes that are all crab and no cake? I mean, I appreciate seeing nice sized lumps of crab, but I don't understand it if there's no "cake". Yes, I guess it's filler to a certain extent, but I like a little layer of something to hold my crab cakes together. It was nevertheless delicious. For my entree, I ordered a 12 oz prime rib (smallest size), with sauteed green beans and caramelized onion mashed potatoes. Dinner comes served with these small, Munchin-sized dinner rolls with cinnamon butter. Now, I love me some prime rib and the mashed potatoes were wonderful, but the rolls and the cinnamon butter were to die for. They tasted like donuts. Oh my goodness, if I could have eaten a whole basket, I would have. Man, oh man, my mouth is salivating just thinking about them. I'm typically not a big bread-eater, but these rolls were divine! The butter was light (must have been whipped) and had just the right amount of sweetness. Yum!

After dinner we went back to my friend's house and lo and behold, a living room fully decorated and around 10 or so folks exclaiming "Happy Birthday" when I walked in. Very cool. I can't actually remember the last time I have a real birthday party and not just a dinner thing. It was fun! There was some drinking involved. I've said this God only knows how many times, but I'm not much of a drinker, but I was forced to take a shot of tequila. Mind you, this was a somewhat younger crowd and they like to get their drink on. So I took a shot, immediately regretted it and spent the next hour in a daze. Yeah, me and alcohol will never be close friends. That was it for me. The others continued to drink and after lots of hanging out, cracking jokes, more shots/beers/wine/etc. by them we decided to play this game called Apples to Apples. Soooo much fun! I know a lot of people think board/party games are lame, but this game was great. The link fully explains how to play it and we played a good two hours or so. I like it much better than Deal or No Deal. If you're looking for a good game that works with a good crowd, this one is a winner. I had a couple of bites of my birthday cake for good luck and ended up getting to bed around 2 AM. I had a great time. Tonight, I got invited to go out to Karaoke at a friend of a friend's bar. I suspect I got invited to be the designated driver, but that's okay. This group of friends is kinda cool and in the past I would have brushed them off and just stayed home, I think I might actually go. I have to ask myself "why not?" Sure, it's not my first choice of places to hang out, but really, what do I know? I spent a good chunk of my adulthood being too ashamed to venture out so why not just go out and try to have some fun?!?

Good Things

I've decided to indulge in some of the things I really enjoy tomorrow for my birthday. This whole pituitary tumor thing is bumming me out therefore, I am going to make an effort to bring a little joy to my day, maybe it'll snap me out of this funk. So far I have the following:

1. Play tennis.
2. Go clothes shopping at a store other than Wal-mart/Target and pick up something nice.
3. Get my hair done.
4. Take some photographs of myself with my cute hair and cute clothes.
5. Watch Lost with some good friends.
6. Buy myself something I really want...at the moment it's 6 wooden poster-sized frames for the artwork I just purchased recently.

I think that's good. Odds are 50/50 that my mom will actually remember my birthday and call. Nothing to get upset about as I'm the youngest of 12 kids and when you tack on 25+ grandkids and 10 great grands, I'm just happy she remembers my name! LOL! I'm only half kidding, I can't tell you how many times she's called me one of my sister's names. My dad will call though, that's not even a question.

I'm writing Dr. Marchesini an update letter to let him know how I am doing and mostly just to ask him what he thinks my goal weight should be at this point in time. Initially, he said 250-ish and I am just about there. I would, however, like to lose at least another 50-70 more lbs. I'll see what he says.

I'm working on my testimonial for support group meeting tomorrow. I am bringing in three items of clothes, one, a pair of shorts I wore in Brazil (size 64 waist) and my favorite gray shirt (size 5/6X). I haven't worn either in over a year I don't think. The last item of clothing is a pair of size 10 pants that Beth gave me. They are my goal pants. One way or another, I am getting in them! When I look at my old clothes I am just flat out amazed, I can't believe I wore them, especially the shorts because I clearly remember them being tight enough that I didn't need a belt, in fact, the belt was too tight! It's just incredibly wild. I'm going to put them on tomorrow and take a few pics and send to Dr. M. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it.

I actually had a few phone calls from the doctor's office concerning my upcoming MRI. They asked me a bunch of questions like am I claustrophobic (no) and do I have any metal clips in my body (uhm...no), that kind of thing. My last phone call, they gave me my appointment date, February 29th at 8:30 AM. They are submitting my info for approval but didn't want to wait til they got it before scheduling me. Tomorrow, I just have to pick up the orders and wait til the 29th. Easy as pie. Mmmmm, pie.

Muy expensivo!

So, heard from the doc. MRI it is! They will be calling me back in a day or so to let me know when. They first have to get insurance approval. Thank God for good insurance, by the way, I can't imagine going through all this without it! That's a reason to smile right there! Well, the next few days are filled with birthday festivities so I am going to try to enjoy them and not worry about all this. I did end up talking to my sister, S, about this and she reminded me that everything happens for a reason and that there are lessons here for me to learn. Oh, how I forget to remember that sometimes!

Tomorrow is also support group meeting! Yea!!! I'm giving a testimonial and am planning on making a PowerPoint presentation. Yeah, I haven't even started, but will get it done sometime today. I may upload it as well! We'll see...

Bummer.

Today should provide some news. Dr. A will finally be back in his office and I should be hearing from him about next step. Admittedly, I'm not in the greatest of moods, just trying to focus on work which is requiring a lot of my time and energy, much more than I anticipated. With BP in France, a server upgrade (and all usual unforeseen related issues) and life in general, this is turning out to be one heck of a week. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm not all that excited. I'd rather be celebrating losing 300 lbs right about now than celebrating a birthday, truth be told.

Sigh.

Can I name it?

I told myself I'd wait til 1:00 PM today to call my doctor's office, but ended up calling them at around 9:30. I gave the nurse my info and about an hour and a half later I got a call back from a different doctor (Dr. B). Apparently, my doc (Dr. A) is out of the office today (dangit), but he gave me the low down of what my X-Ray says so far. Apparently, there is an abnormality in/around/by/of the sella turcica and the radiologist has recommended an MRI. The sella turcica is the area of the skull where the pituitary gland is. Dr. B asked why Dr. A had me get the X-Ray in the first place and I told him about my elevated prolactin levels and I gave him the number. He said that it looks like I have a pituitary tumor and he said that odds are, Dr. A will either refer me to an Endocrinologist (yes, I can deal with that) or a Neurosurgeon (uh...no). He also said such things respond well to medication (woo-hoo!). Okay, this is basically what I expected, except that I didn't think I needed to get an MRI which just makes this whole debacle sound a helluva lot more serious, especially when you hear "neurosurgeon" come out of somebody's mouth. Not to mention the fact that I have this fear of not fitting into an MRI although it'll be only of my head.

All of a sudden, I'm not quite so impatient. LOL! Anyway, I'm just going to calmly wait to talk to Dr. A. tomorrow and hear what he recommends I do and grill the heck out of him. I think I will give my tumor (if that is indeed the final DX) a name...I gotta think of something good. If people can name their hernias, I can name my tumor! In the meantime, life goes on. I'm starving and it's time for food....

Waiting...

So my patience has been tested all day. No word from the doctor, although I did schedule a follow-up visit with my Gastroenterologist while I called in a refill for my Protonix. BP also left on a two week vacation to France. For me, it's a mixed bag. I definitely have opportunities to go "heads down" and get more things done, but during those few hours of the day when we're both awake, she tends to email, IM and Skype a lot which drives me nuts. Today I wanted to throttle her as she was freaking out over every little non-issue all day long. I was happy to hear she got on her plane in one piece and from what I understand she won't get to her final destination in the countryside til sometime Saturday afternoon (long story).

Hopefully tomorrow I will hear some news, I am so, so anxious to hear word either way. After doing even more research today I came across Vitex which is a herb remedy for prolactinemia and something I might start taking if the doc, for some reason doesn't want to put me on Parlodel or Dostinex. If I don't hear anything by 1 or 2 PM, I will be a-callin'.

Onward...

Mmmmmm

Let me rave about some DS-friendly yumminess:

Angus burgers....freakin' delicious! Where have they been all my life? I bought a couple of packs of 1/3 lb Angus burgers at Walmart last week. Mine have vidalia onions minced in which provide great flavor. My favorite thing to do is fry me up a burger and serve with sliced dill pickle and mustard. Yum. Each patty has 19g of protein and a very awesome 30g of fat -- translation deliciousness!

Roasted & Salted Sunflower Kernels. They are a great protein/fat snack and highly portable. I usually keep a container in my office, one in my tennis bag, another in my day-to-day bag and one in my car. Whenever I feel like mindless snacking, I snack on these as they certainly satisfy my off and on desire for salty crunchy snacks. Each 1 oz serving as 6g of protein, 15g of fat and 5g of carbs, 4g of which are fiber. Perfect and inexpensive. Each 7.25 oz container costs like $1.15 at Kroger.

Butter. I love butter. If I had to pick my favorite DS friendly food, it would be butter, hands down. Why? Butter goes with anything. I'm a lucky DS-er in that copious amounts of fat in my diet don't hurt me at all, no explosive diarrhea from fat, no oil slicks, none of that. In fact, if I don't eat enough of it I have problems, so slather on the butter is my motto. Not joking, I can easily go through a stick of butter a day without batting an eye. I cook eggs in tablespoons of butter. I put butter in my soups and chili, I fry hamburgers in butter. I cook veggies in butter. I love butter more than Paula Deen and my cholesterol is a stunning 122. One of my favorite dishes is sauteeing freshly minced garlic in butter and then cooking shrimp in it to perfect tenderness. YUM.

Okay, enough food talk, I just had an Angus and am coming off a beef high.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that I hear back from the Dr.'s office tomorrow at least about the X-Rays. I am hoping it is what I think it is so that we can treat it. I am more than anxious to fix the problem and hopefully getting back on a normal (for me) weight loss track. I am anxious to be done with all my excess weight and I am excited at the prospect of it being doable. I feel like I've been through so many emotions within the last 24 hours, very hard to explain. It could be the residual effects of the hormones I was taking, but I've been cultivating a certain level of frustration and disappointment for some time now and have been reluctant to let it out fully on this site because I didn't want to seem like a completely negative person which I am not. I just didn't have the answers and now I feel like I just might and I just want to get going already. Tomorrow hopefully will bring some news, tonight I will certainly try to get in the sleep that I missed last night. My brain is just racing and I can't stop thinking about it so y'all will have to allow me to indulge in this temporary obsession, it's a big one though!

Next steps...

Ok. I go to the GYN's office this morning to pick my orders for the tests I need to take. I then go to a different location, give the receptionist my paperwork, wait for my name to be called and surrender 4 vials of blood. I then have to yet another location for my X-rays. They basically just take two X-rays of my noggin, lateral view and I'm on my way home. Overall, pretty painless and I am hoping that at least the X-ray results will be available to my doctor today and I will hear from them soon.

I spent another good 2 hours late last night doing more research and I'm almost certain it's a prolactinoma. There seems to be three different causes for hyperprolactinaemia (1) reaction to certain medications none of which I am taking, (2) related to a thyroid condition - my tests are normal or (3) a tumor/cyst on the pituitary gland. At this point, I feel like all I need is a doggone prescription and I'm good to go. The most frustrating realization about this whole prolactinoma thing is that if I indeed have one, then it's reason #1 as to why I haven't been losing weight as well as I should have for like the past 4-6 months. I've read plenty of message board posts about people gaining weight because of hyperprolactinaemia and I think for me my DS was basically fighting tooth and nail with the prolactinoma as far as whether I'd lose weight or not. Seems like the DS was winning, but barely. It would be pie in the sky, la-la-land for me to hope to start taking Cabergoline and voila, I lose 20 lbs overnight. All I really want is for my old DS ability to lose weight to return. That's all I want. I don't have a problem doing the work, eating right and exercising, what's been completely maddening is doing the work and seeing very little results AND thinking I am doing something wrong OR thinking my DS is broken or my window is closed. Ugh.

It's weird because I'm hopeful that this is what has been causing my problems and therefore a solution exists, but frustrated with myself for not seeing a GYN earlier. If I had done so in August, it's possible I could be down another 30-60 lbs. I had been averaging over 17+ lbs loss per month up until then and then it fell to like 8 lbs or less. Frustrating. Oh well, no need to get all riled up for nothing. I just want my kick-ass DS weight-loss ability back, that's all. I feel 100 times more confident that my goal is attainable, before yesterday, I was honestly mostly doubtful, but didn't want to completely give up.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Panic? Me? Nooooo.....

So, I'm writing some code late this afternoon when I get a phone call from my gynecologist's office. A nice lady on the phone tells me that my lab test results are in and Dr. H. wants to talk to me about them. Uh-oh. That can't be good, right? So I sit on hold for like the longest 2-3 minutes of my life and the cheery doc gets on the line and proceeds to tell me that my pap smear came back negative (yea) and all my hormone levels came back good (yea)...except one (boo). He said that he wants me to come in for another test, that the nurse will call me back with the info. I give him my fax number so that I can get the results faxed back to me. Nurse calls about 5 minutes later and tells me that I can pick up the orders for the tests tomorrow and go ahead and get the tests (MRI?) done the same day. She confirms my fax number and within a couple of minutes I get the results. Indeed, all my results are normal except for one. My Prolactin levels are high, normal range is 2.8 - 29.2, mine was 75.3. Yikes! Needless to say, I spend the next 1/2 hour Googling my little fingers to the bone. I'm trying really hard not to self-diagnose, but since my thyroid test came back normal it looks like I have a Prolactinoma which sounds a lot worst than it really is. It's basically a benign tumor on my pituitary gland that is causing the high levels of Prolactin. Treatment is a pill, twice a week. I can deal with a freakin' pill. Obviously, all this is speculation on my part as I still have at least one more (maybe 2-3) test to take. Oh joy, another thing to obsess over.

Call me crazy, but I have to admit to a tiny amount of relief. I kinda felt something was wrong/off/awry and it looks like it wasn't all my imagination. The next week or so will hopefully clear the picture up and give me some answers, and most importantly a solution, so I guess we'll just wait and see. Normally, I would be freaking out, but I'll save it for another day that warrants a freak out, right now, I'm just focusing on taking whatever tests I need to take and getting a diagnosis if there is one to be had. Onward...

Not in the cards?

My current BMI is 36.8 which puts me squarely in the obese category.

When I hit the 300 lbs lost mark and weigh 216 lbs, my BMI will be 30.2, still obese.

However, if I lose another 2 lbs after that (weighing in at 214.6 lbs), my BMI will be 29.9 and I will live amongst the overweight.

At my goal weight of 199.0 lbs, my BMI of 27.8 will still make me overweight.

To reach a normal BMI of 24.9, I will need to weigh, 178.8 lbs.

In theory, I would love to be a normal BMI, if only to say, I am normal and know that by this measure, it to be true, but I don't think 178.8 lbs will look good on me nor am I all that convinced that I could get that low. I just don't know, y'know and I won't know until I get close to 200 lbs. I also have to remember that I do have a good bit of excess skin, so I need to somehow not factor that into my calculations, but it's hard not to.

My problem is that I don't know whether I should base my goal on (1) weight, (2) BMI or (3) clothes size. Maybe it should be a combination of all three. Bottom line is that when I reach goal, I don't want to be fat any longer. I don't want to be pudgy, full-figured, plus-sized, thick, voluptuous or any of that. I don't. I don't want a new doctor to tell me I need to lose a few, I don't want any X's, L's or W's in any of my clothes sizes, I don't want any of it. I don't want the "I'm too fat" excuse to be ever used again once I reach goal.

Having said that what number or combination of numbers will get me that? My best bet, I believe is to get to 199 and see what happens. I don't think it serves me well to start wavering on this until I get to that point and see what the landscape looks and feels like.

Anyway, on the 5th day, there was weight gain, not entirely unexpected. I weighed in at 270.2 lbs this morning. Thank you, Provera. Thankfully, I took the last pill yesterday so hopefully my weight will return back to normal soon. I've also given myself a kick in the butt. I have been getting lax with my eating lately which is not good, I'm finding it hard to get back to my old "strict" self and even harder to maintain that level. Part of the problem is that I've become accustomed to drinking flavored water which triggers my sweet tooth which compels me to eat sweet, not so DS-friendly things. I have also had my fair share of cheese and Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread. I swear, this stuff must be laced with crack, because I keep coming back to it. Truth is, the cheese and bread add much needed variety, but my body just doesn't handle it well when I want to be in super weight loss mode.

Today, I start fresh and we'll see how things go. The goal is to eat as clean as possible, get in at least 150 grams of protein and a gallon of water, keep the carbs low, between 30-50 grams.

I run again today and I'm convinced this whole running thing would be 1000% times easier if I weighed like 50 lbs less. My stamina is good, it's just I feel like I'm too heavy to do it consistently. I think I need to add some low impact cardio work to my daily routine, probably just get on my recumbent bike for 1/2 an hour every day to boost my metabolism.

So more bad news, this time on the family front. My sister called me yesterday to tell me my nephew's wife's brother past away suddenly. He was only 34 years old. So sad. He was diabetic (Type I) and was in mediocre, if not poor, health. He was tall, lanky, pale and perpetually sickly looking and he didn't take care of himself. He ate poorly, drank excessively, smoked weed and never exercised. It is so sad. I've only met Lewis a few times in my life but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, kinda quiet. I won't be going home for the funeral, but will send my condolences.

Yet another reason to feel obligated to take the best care of myself as possible.

Buyer Beware

I've been totally bummed out at this sad news. I've never said a word to Kelly K, but I kept up on her progress almost everyday and it's just so sad to know that she is gone. It's just another reminder that this surgery is serious stuff and it requires careful consideration before anyone makes the decision to sign on the dotted line. I was completely committed to having this surgery until less than two weeks before when my older brother died from a massive heart attack, he was only 54 years old, but in poor health - diabetes, high blood pressure, morbidly obese, etc. That shook me to the core and I was pretty convinced that I was gonna die, but was able to get my head straight, talk to my parents & family and decide to go ahead and go to Brazil. I held on to the belief that this was my one and only chance to turn it all around for myself and I knew my brother would want me to go, so I did. Any pre-ops out there need to know that this is a big decision and that you are best served by looking at this surgery and it's risks as objectively as possible.

Hollow Leg Syndrome

I started Week 4 of my Couch to 5K and it was the toughest so far. I wasn't sure I'd make it! I walked for 5 mins, ran for 3 mins, walked for 1.5 mins, ran for 5 mins, walked for 3.5 mins, then ran for 3 mins, walked for 1.5 mins and then ran for 5 mins. Those last two runs were bloody murder, I honestly thought I'd have to walk it...BUT, holy crap, I ran for 5 minutes straight...TWICE!!! Omigod, I've never done that before and although it was tough, I did it. Awesomeness abounds. I also walked over to the tennis courts and hit some balls for 1/2 an hour, I think I got a decent forehand! I'm no longer lobbing them all over the place which is a good thing...chasing balls is not fun.

This is day 2 on the Provera and I don't really feel any different. A few of the side effects are moodiness and weight gain...whoopee. It's only a 5 day course (assuming the labs come back okay) so I won't stress too much about it.

I'm 1/2 way through a container of Maximum Protein powder I got at GNC. The stuff is delicious but gives me unbelievable gas....sucks. I had avoided chocolate flavored protein mixes for awhile, but I may make an effort to find a new one that doesn't give me explosive gas.

Weight is staying between 264 and 265...not too happy about that, but am not freaking out. With the increased exercise, I'm not surprised. Yesterday, I was STARVING and ate well over 3500 calories, not sure why I get so hungry sometimes, but I could not stop eating or rather, as soon as I finished eating, I was hungry again. Today is the opposite, I've only eaten 2-3 times today. I doubt I'll hit 3000 calories today.

Large

Went to Walmart to pick up some Earl Campbell sausages (they were out - boooo!). I browsed through the store and ended up picking up two henley style long sleeve shirts for $5 a piece, size Large. No more X's for me on top! I remember trying to lose enough weight several years ago in order in fit into 4X's. Wow. Do I dare dream of mediums?

The 2X athletic bottoms (sort of like basketball pants) I bought are too big, could have gone with the XL, but I'm not as comfortable with the snugness on bottom as I am on top. I also bought another arch support for my left foot as it's starting to get tender a little more nowadays, probably from running.

Sometimes my body freaks me out. At times, I can't believe I have the hands that I do. When I wrap my hand around my wrists, at times it feels so feminine and almost delicate. I can't believe that's me. I actually have a well-defined waist and do I dare say narrow shoulders?!? My thighs, by the way, are slimming down, slowly but surely, they certainly are not as grotesque as before. The next 65-75 lbs should do wonders for my figure.... and probably freak me out more.

What a miracle the DS is?

Adjustments

So my tennis lesson got canceled yesterday as my teacher got sick. That bummed me out way more than I need to admit. Anyway, I decided to be a slouch and take a nap. I honestly thought I'd sleep for 1/2 an hour, get up and go run some errands, but I ended up napping for almost 3 hours, I guess the stress of the week caught up with me and I was out cold. I think I just needed the few hours to decompress. I feel better today and am actually on my way out the door. Gonna run and then hit some tennis balls. I'm at the point now where I feel fairly confident I can run 5 full minutes without bursting a lung.

I did some quick measurements this morning and my waist is an amazing 38.5 inches. That is unbelievable! I had a 62-64 inch waist pre-surgery. My hips are an amazing 50.5 inches. I couldn't even accurately measure them pre-op as my tape measure was about a foot or more too short, but I made an attempt in October of '06 and have 70 inches logged. That's a 20-inch decrease. Wow. I also lost 2+ inches off my neck and 3 inches off my forearms. Craziness. I was just thinking the other day that I am certainly past the point where I feel like I'm the same size as I was pre-surgery and am at the point where I know full well that I am smaller, much smaller, but I don't realize how small (as if) I really am. I looked at some pictures of myself from August during my trip to Savannah and was surprised to recognize that I am smaller than that, that I looked "big" to myself in those pictures. Recently my face seems to have changed quite a bit. My eyes seem to take up 1/2 my face, I never realized they were so big. My cheekbones, I have my mother's cheekbones, in fact, my whole life people have said that I look just like my dad, now they say I look like my mom, I heard that a lot at my family Christmas party.

I really want to find some women's jeans that will fit me well. I've been opting for men's jeans since they come in lengths that support my nearly 6' tall frame. Several months ago I did go to Lane Bryant and tried on some Right Fit jeans and I think I was a 5 at the time. I'm probably a 3 by now accordingly to their website. Problem is, do I really want to spend $40 on a pair of jeans that I'll only be able to wear for a few weeks? Uh, no, especially when I can get 4-5 pairs of jeans at the evil empire (Walmart) for the same price.

I've been thinking about transitioning to weekly weigh ins. I think it might be time ... or not. I don't know, I keep going back and forth on this. Tiffany posted a link to an article about how weighing daily helps keep people in check. I truly believe it as I know that panic starts to set in when/if things get a little out of control. Maybe my indecision is based in not being ready and maybe I just need to accept that and maybe look at it as something to do once I cross over into onederland. I'm about 80% EWL for my goal of 199 and around 73% for the second goal of 175.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday! Yea! I'm excited about it but I know that once it's over, the six month long football drought begins, makes me want to cry, but with the weather warming up in the next several weeks, the plan is to be actually playing more sports than I'm watching them on TV.

Month 17 ... and other stuff

Well, I've had an interesting couple of days. That might be the understatement of the year. First, the whole situation with our Employee #2 seems to be resolves. Long story, he reacted poorly due to some tragic news he had just received and completely over-reacted in the midst of him trying to deal with the bad news. He apologized to Employee #1 as well as to me. I accepted his apology but stressed the need to try to step away and give himself a minute to calm down. I also communicated to the entire staff, in no uncertain terms, that I better not hear or read or catch wind of any more unprofessional behavior. I think for now, that is sufficient. Thank God it's Friday, I truly need a break.

On to more important things. This was an interesting month in my DS life and one that I can easily say I enjoyed, moreso than the last couple. This month was all about exercise and discovering the joy of tennis. The month started off with my Couch to 5K training and I was and still am amazed at my ability to run. It boggles the mind. When I first started walking at the end of 2006, I mentioned the fact that I hated getting lapped my little old ladies, well not anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I actually ran past people walking. It was such a thrill! Typically, there aren't a whole lot of people out there braving the cold and wind so the opportunity to lap folks has been infrequent, that's definitely part of the reason, but to actually pass someone after spending my whole having people pass me by is just incredible! As running gets more and more difficult, I also see improvements in myself, when I first could barely run for 60 straight seconds, I can now run 3 minutes without bursting a lung. I know if I keep at it, I'll be able to reach my goal of running a 5K.

Then there was tennis. I love tennis. I'm flabbergasted at how much I like it. I have very little interest in it pre-surgery. I think maybe it's because of the physicality involved and the opportunity it affords me to move around in space like I don't recall ever doing. I sweat more in one hour of tennis practice than training for the 5K. Also, I don't like sucking at things, especially things I've committed myself to doing. Yesterday I spent an hour practicing my forehand and had to force myself to pack up my stuff and go back home, I could have stayed out there for hours, but there was work to be done. I know I am a good year or so away from being a decent tennis player and I know there's a long road of suckitude and mediocrity ahead, but I know that I'll get there with hard work and lots and lots of practice.

Weight-wise, although I hadn't lost the 15 lbs I was hoping for, I did lose 7 lbs total, but lost roughly 12 lbs of body fat and gained roughly 5 lbs of muscle. I can definitely be happy with that. I do feel stronger, especially in my legs and thighs. which I love. My current weight is a steady 264.0 lbs, down from 516.6 lbs for a total loss of 252.6 lbs in 17 months.

I do find myself more and more anxious to be done with all the weight loss already. As I am never content nor comfortable with my nutrition/supplementation, I am always looking for the problem areas and one seems to pop up every now and again and that is the issue of not eating enough. For me, consuming more than say, 1800 calories, requires effort. I can easily get that amount of food in through the course of the day without thinking about it. Problem is that 1800 calories is nowhere near enough for me. I need to be getting upwards of 2500+ calories a day, probably well over 3000 with the amount of exercise I do. It's still a foreign concept to me and one that I haven't fully embraced -- that of eating more to lose. We've been down this road at least 5 or 6 times over the last 17 months and still I have to step back and remind myself that I need to freakin' eat.

These last several months have been rough though. I haven't lost the weight I have wanted to lose and part of me thinks it might be related to the Protonix I am taking. I have read some anecdotal evidence that PPI's can cause weight gain and my weight loss slow down seems to have started soon after I got on the Protonix at the beginning of August. Since August 1st, I have only lost about 44 lbs, 44 in 6 months. That is way below my average of around 14-17 lbs per month. My other worry is that maybe my estrogen levels are low. Low estrogen has been associated with weight gain, as has been the direct opposite. Maybe I'm reaching here, but I just want to know that there aren't any factors working against me. I know I am getting smaller as I can wear things now that I couldn't merely a month ago, it's just that the scale continues to frustrate the heck out of me. I miss those days when on average I would lose 0.2 - 0.8 lbs a day, hell, even if it went up, it was temporary and it would eventually go right back down. If nothing else, I covet consistency. Anyway, on Monday, I have the dreaded GYN appointment. I am sooooo not looking forward to it, but it must be done. Hopefully all will be well.

It's all the things I can't implicitly control that give me grief, so many other factors to consider like the exercise and increase in muscle I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I wish things could be more formulaic. Do X, get Y. That would be sublime, but such is not the case, at least not in any simple sense. Maybe the solution (goal weight) is a far more complex equation and maybe I don't have all the knowledge, skills and discipline to figure all out just yet...YET. What's interesting though, you would think that I'd find myself more and more content with a more "lenient" goal weight, but truthfully, it makes me want to see that normal BMI more and more. I guess this is a long-winded way for me to say I'm impatient, damnit! LOL.

Tomorrow morning I have a tennis lesson, then I am going to try to get a little shopping done. The rest of the day will be relaxing. Sunday is all about the Super Bowl. For the record, I am rooting for the Giants, gotta root for the underdog, right?