I'm just past the one month mark working at the new job and I now think that I can tweak my routine in order to get the best benefit healthwise. My walks to and from the bus stop to my office is quite enjoyable -- except when it rains. Each way is about 10-12 minutes with a couple of semi-steep hills. Way back when I used to do Body-for-Life and one of the things that I really liked about it was it's 20 minute cardio routine. I was surprised at what a good workout it was in that short amount of time. The plan is to do that routine every morning AND on nights when I don't have tennis. I'm gonna try to get to at least two tennis drill classes a week. Anyway, that'll give me roughly an hour's worth of cardio, it'll just be spread out over the course of the day. That might actually be better than all at once.

On the food front, I am going to do 2 protein shakes a day, something like this:

M1: Protein shake before I walk out the door in the AM
M2: Light snack mid-morning
M3: Lunch
M4: Light snack mid- afternoon
M5: Protein shake when I get home from work
M6: Dinner, post workout

Previously I had been drinking 50g protein shakes, but these will be more like 35g each. My goal is to get adequate, but not excess, protein in daily while doing what I can to help mitigate constipation issues. I'm getting in about a gallon of water, no problem.

175-180 is the goal by the end of the year, if not sooner. I'm going to do my best to get there. In some respects I feel like I've wasted a good part of my second year, but on the other hand, I feel like I have had the journey I needed to have, everything happened the way it needed to and now I find myself exactly where I needed to. These last 65-70 lbs aren't going to just fall off easily, I know I will have to put some work into it, but thankfully with the DS, it'll be much easier than if I hadn't had the surgery PLUS I know that once the weight is gone, it's gone. The fluctuations I have had over the past few months have all been water weight, easily lost when I get back on track. It's a false comfort, of course, to know it's not fat that I'm constantly gaining and losing, and it doesn't really do anything for me in the short or long term.

According to Dr. Marchesini, I've surpassed my weight loss goal, to him, I'm at 102% EWL. In order to have a normal BMI and get down to a weight where I can best have plastic surgery, have to weigh 178 lbs given my height of 5'11". This morning I weighed in at 245.2 lbs, that gives me a total loss of 271.4 lbs. I need to lose a total of 338.6 lbs. I therefore have 67.2 more lbs to go. This is truly homestretch time. I'm 80% of the way there. It's like the last 1.2 miles of the Peachtree Road Race where it seemed like the race would never end and much of the energy and vigor I had was spent and the only thing that would get me to the finish would be the will to want to finish and the holding on to the notion that I just need to take it one day at a time. I think my problem has been looking at the goal I want to accomplish as one big giant scary thing. I need to not do that and just break it down in manageable steps. Feeling overwhelmed or feeling like this is an impossible task is a quick and fast way for me to get derailed. I think I've probably spent the last 6 months being off track.

I think now that I am away from the toxic environment of working with my business partner and am in a much more satisfying environment, I can go start focusing on my health and weight loss again. So much of my time and energy was spent on dealing with that nightmare situation that I'm actually surprised at how draining it actually was. It's amazing.

Anyway, football season is just a few weeks away and I CAN NOT WAIT. It's been a long hiatus and I'm anxious to see how well my team will perform this year. Unfortunately, it looks like I may not be going up to my alma mater to see a game after all. Sept 1 is the US 10K Classic and I really want to run in it since I did so poorly last time around, plus it'll help get me a good number for the Peachtree Road Race next year. I will most likely be taking at least 1/2 a day off that day. If I were to leave to my alma mater, I'd be leaving on the 5th and I'd rather not have too many days off or miss to many hours since I'm technically a contractor and I really want to make as much money as I can, I need to pad the nest egg and pay off some bills and just raise my standard of living a tad. I will be going to Texas for Thanksgiving so I'll already be losing 2-3 days there so I just want to be careful about time off. There is a big reunion next summer that I might shoot for, I'll be at goal weight by then and hopefully looking into at least the first phase of plastics. We'll see.

Anyway, time to do some laundry and make my lunches for the week. The better prepared I am with good, nutritious food, the less likely I am to want to stray.

This has been a good week and seems that now I am up and out everyday, the days just fly by, which I like. So Six Flags was fun and quite nerve-wracking. Rollercoasters are so not my thing, but the goal was to get on them and fit in the seats and I'm happy to say that I fit in every single one, no problems. Most of the rides were ok, but one, Goliath, gave me nightmares and I will never get on that thing again. EVER. Besides that traumatic experience, it was a great day, I even had some funnel cake and ice cream. Yum.

I am about 6 weeks away from my two year surgery anniversary and I've been thinking a lot about what I was doing this same time last year. I didn't really end my year out strong, but I definitely want to end this year on a strong note. I'm not a believer in "weight loss" windows so I do not believe mine will just magically shut closed for all eternity on the 30th of August. I still have about 30 lbs I want to lose by the end of the year. I haven't been eating the greatest, but I still continue to shrink and get smaller even though the scale doesn't always reflect it. I was floored when I purchased size 18 pants at Lane Bryant. I had picked up a size 20 and size 18 figuring I'd try on the 18's to see how close I was to wearing them. I had no idea they'd fit perfectly. I guess those size 16's are not too far off. Mind-boggling. I remember last year I struggled quite a bit with "the new Tia". It was difficult to wrap my head around this strange and different person that I was becoming, especially since internally, I felt the same. The past 6-9 months, however, I've really started to come into my own, accepting the woman I am becoming, if not outright embracing her. I'm not perfect and there is a lot of growth for me to experience, but I am confident I am heading in the right direction. Getting away from my business partner was and is a huge part of that. I keep hearing rumblings about how she's having such a hard time, and so-and-so thinks she's close to a breakdown, etc., etc., but I can't do nothing about that! I refuse to get involved. I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel some empathy for her, I can't help it, it's my nature, but I realize that there is no middle ground with this woman and it's best for me, to not be anywhere near her for the rest of my life. I am more than content and happy to do so.

On to more pleasant things, I am planning my triumphant return to my alma mater in September, gonna go see my team hopefully win a freakin' football game for a change. That would be nice. It's going to be a solo expedition this time around, was gonna go with my best friend, but he just got back from Europe and wants to conserve his remaining vacation days, plus he's not much of a football fan. I was contemplating taking my nephew, but I think I will go by myself, it was afford me the opportunity to take the leisurely walks around campus that I really enjoy and to go at my own pace. I will, of course, have my camera with me and as the campus is quite stunning, I can easily lose myself in photographic excursions. That same weekend, I hope to take a mentor of mine out to lunch or dinner, I'm a little worried about it though. I was somewhat of a basket case in college and I'm worried that she thinks I'm that same person, I would hope not, but you never know. I plan to get in touch with her a couple of weeks before I leave. Besides those football and seeing my mentor, I really, really want to buy lots and lots of alma mater related gear - t-shirts, sweatshirts, pullovers, all the stuff I have coveted, but have been unable to buy because I could never fit any of it. The last time I went there I was kindly directed to the Big & Tall section of like 4 or 5 ugly garments. Nope, not this time around, not ever again. I know I will have to restrain myself because I will want to go completely overboard, but I'm just going to set a budget and pray that I can stick to it. That's the plan anyway.

This weekend will be pretty mellow. No big plans, just gonna finish a book I've been reading and love, Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides, and then do some cleaning the rest of the day. Tomorrow, gonna go play some tennis, woo-hoo! In August, I am going to go ahead and join the local Tennis Center and start heading over there after work everyday, I want to join a fall/winter team and need to get in shape for it and God knows I need the practice.

Alrighty then, off I go....

GOOOOAAALLLLLLL!!!!

Dr. Marchesini's goal, that is! Yeah, baby, yeah! 250 is the number Dr. M. told me I'd lose to and that I'd be a success. I have officially met and exceeded that goal! This morning, I hit an all-time low, 249.6 lbs! Yea! That's a loss of 2.4 lbs since yesterday, 20.4 lbs in 12 days (mostly water) and a grand total of 267 lbs loss. Woo-hoo! I feel like I've broken through a barrier. It seems like I've been on the brink since early April when I got down to 251.2 lbs, but then I went home on vacation, came back and was sick for like 2+ weeks, then my dad had his accident & surgery and I wasn't eating like I should, etc, etc. and I gained like 20+ lbs of freakin' water. Once I got my mind right and back on track -- getting my protein in -- the water weight really started to drop. I mean, 20.4 lbs in 12 days is craziness and to think I had been lugging that around. It's a little scary too to think that my body is that sensitive to protein deficiencies and it wasn't like I was getting no protein in, I was probably in the 70-100g range, which isn't great, but not horrible, but it wasn't enough. I think for me, I maybe absorb more like 35-40% of the protein I eat versus the 50% or so that is often mentioned in Duodenal Switch circles. I have a short common channel (65 cm) and I think a good bit of my small bowel bypassed (over 45%) so I most likely tend toward needing much more protein than the average DSer. I easily get in over 100g before noon. That will be my life, I just have to accept it and let me tell you, it's a heckuva lot easier to accept choking down protein shakes everyday for the rest of my life than living a much shorter life being 500 lbs.

I sort of indirectly mentioned it yesterday, but I am officially changing my goal weight to 216.6 lb as far as pre-plastics are concerned. I want to lose as much fat as I can PLUS I want to add some muscle so I figure I can do that much more safely in the 210's than sub 200. I'm just worried that losing down to 199, I would be losing fat AND muscle which would not be good since my muscle tone sucks right now anyway. I'd rather be fit, strong and healthy at 216 than weak, skinny and sickly at 199.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's out there. I will be calling mine today. He is doing so much better, he's back to driving and getting out on his own and he's back to cracking jokes about mom so I know he's almost back to normal. I'm hoping to get down there sometime in late Summer, but I do have a trip to my alma mater in early September so we'll see. The trip back to my alma mater is important because I have to go thank my mentor and tell her what a positive influence she's been to me, the football game, etc. is secondary to that.

No tennis clinic today, that starts next week so I am going to go practice my serve and backhands, then it's off to BP's house to setup for a couple of new employees we have starting on Monday.

Maybe he was right....

Y'know....now that I've lost around 18 freakin' pounds of water weight (252 lbs this AM) in like a week and a half, I took a good hard look at myself this morning. Maybe I am playing mental games with myself again, but sometimes I get a good look at myself and don't think I need to lose that much more weight. I looked at myself this morning right out of the shower and I've noticed two things, one, I do not have a lot of muscle tone and (2) I have a helluva lot of excess skin. I mean, A LOT, more than I realized. I wish I could weigh my excess skin to know how much it is so that I'd know if I needed to lose more weight or not. My legs are the biggest problem. Today I stood in one leg of some pre-surgery shorts and could easy walk around the house like I was wearing a skirt. Not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, I could still get in the one pant leg, but it was a little difficult walking because it was snug. I had some serious thunder thighs, if I were a braver person, I'd show you a picture of them, but I ain't so you'll have to just imagine the horror. Today, they are horrible for a totally different reason. When I stand and put my leg on a stool, there is a like a curtain of skin and fat hanging down, it looks like you could just lop it all off and it'd weight 25 lbs or something. Because there is still a good bit of fat on both my legs and some on my whole body, it compels me to want to lose more weight. My weight loss window allegedly close a couple of months ago, but we'll see about that. Maybe Dr. Marchesini was right, maybe 250 lbs is right for me given that I have sooooo much excess skin. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm sticking to my relatively new plan of just hitting the 300 lbs loss mark at 216.6 lbs, roughly 35 lbs away. I think that will put me in size 16 jeans, I doubt I'll change too much on top unless my boobs get flatter. I know I will see 199, but it will probably have to wait til post plastics. My goal is to reach 216.6 by the end of the year, truthfully, I'd like to see it by mid-Autumn, if not earlier, depending on how this month goes. Truthfully at this point, I just want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's! Enough already! In fact, I want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's and blow right past the 240's into the 230's. The 250's seem way too close to 300 for my liking. 239 would make me so happy! In due time, Tia, in due time.

So tonight should be interesting, just got off the phone with my business partner and she sounds like she's on the brink of having a meltdown. Sigh. Luckily it has nothing to do with me so I'm in the clear on that regard. Whew. BUT I know I'll have to do some soothing. Ugh. I wish she wouldn't look at everything as a freakin' personal affront. Good gried, y'know, sometimes people just disagree with you because they just think differently, not because they hate you... ***rolling eyes ****

After I ranted about not really wanting to run the 10K on the 4th, I got my cool race packet. Kinda makes me want to run it, but only a little bit. I'm thinking I just might turn it in which reserves me a spot next year. I'm just not in the mood or shape to run this year and frankly, I'd rather play tennis as we all know it's my latest obsession. I just got a kick-ass deal on 100+ used, but in great condition, tennis balls and a wire ball hopper. This way I can more easily practice on my own without having to chase balls every 2 minutes. Right now, I have around 18 tennis balls which means I can only practice 18 serves in a row or 18 forehands because then I have to walk to the other side of the court, collect the 18 balls and do it again. Now, all that changes. The best part is that it only cost me $40! I got a great deal, makes me happy!

Well, time to go drink a protein shake, watch a little TV and wait for BP to call...good times.

Strike a Pose!

I'm feeling the love y'all, thanks for feeling my pain! I took Zyrtec yesterday and it seems to be working wonders. The fog has lifted some, most of the cough is gone and a good bit of the sinus pressure as well. Only my left ear is clogged and I actually got a 1/2 way decent amount of sleep last night. All things considered, not too bad.

'Member those dresses I mentioned a few days ago, here are a couple of pictures of me (taken with my camera phone) in one of them:



Side view:



I almost don't identify with the person in these photos. It trips me out! Is that really me? Do I really look like that? My boobies are showing, what the hell?!? LOL! I will tell you though, these photos give me so much hope that "normal" is within my grasp! I can't honestly remember the last time I wore an actual dress. I've worn plenty of skirts w/ blouses, but an actual one-piece dress, I have no idea. Honestly, it's probably in the 15-20 year range...I wouldn't be surprised.

This also makes me question my ideas about goal weight and BMI. I'm such a poor judge of how the scale and physical reality mesh. I don't know for sure if I look like a 250 lb woman or not. I don't think I do. How much more weight should I lose? I would like to see onederland, hell, I'd like to be 10-20 lbs in onderland, but do I need to be to feel good about myself and wear clothes and shoes I want to wear. If I can wear a size 14 pants and weigh 200 lbs, would I be okay with that? I think I just might. I don't know we'll see,

Month 18

Thank God that month is over, I am happy to see March start and feel like I can start fresh. February had so many ups and down on the DS level and in life in general. My starting weight for the month was 264.0 lbs, the very next day, I weighed in at 265.6 and I've been up and down the same couple of pounds all month, finally ending up a little over at 264.4 lbs which I am fine with given the tumultuous nature of my life the past 3 weeks. According to DS lore, my weight loss window has closed, of course I believe that to be patently false, so the next 6 months present a challenge for me. I am anticipating having a final diagnosis and begin treatment for my hyperprolactinemia in 1-2 weeks. This will hopefully get my hormones in order and start the long process of reducing the tumor. This will also allow me to start losing weight like I have in the past. My goal is a measly 60-70 lbs away, absolutely doable in the next 6 months.

Post-MRI, I feel like a weight has been lifted, it goes to show you the kind of machinations that go on in my head. I actually feel better now that it's over, no small part due to the fact that I actually got a good, restful sleep last night. It was one of the nights where I don't even remember falling asleep and the time between when I pulled the covers up and woke up this morning felt like 10 minutes, instead of the 8.5 hours that it was. This morning I feel refreshed, for a change.

Food and water has been mediocre. I have been getting in my protein, for the most part, but have incorporated cheese, Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat Bread and Dreamfield's pasta into my day to day. All low carb items, but notorious problem-causers for me. I also probably had one or two too many pieces of birthday cake and probably went out to eat and had one or two too many non-DS friendly foods, it was my birthday, afterall, and what a change it was to actually celebrate multiple times with friends and acquaintances! I'm reining all that in for this month as I am really anxious to see what I can do on the scale this month. Addressing the tumor issue should allow me to trust my body and trust that the DS still works well for me.

My hand still hurts from yesterday and there is a visible 1/3 inch scratch from where the technician/nurse was trying to find my vein. When I look at it, it's nowhere near my vein which makes me wonder what the hell she was looking at. Anyway, today is supposed to be sunny and somewhat warm which means I'm fixin' to head out the door in about 15 minutes! Gonna run some errands and later go to the park and play some tennis. I'm supposed to go see either Juno or Vantage Point this afternoon, but haven't decided which. I'm on a Lost kick, so Vantage Point it will probably be.

Not in the cards?

My current BMI is 36.8 which puts me squarely in the obese category.

When I hit the 300 lbs lost mark and weigh 216 lbs, my BMI will be 30.2, still obese.

However, if I lose another 2 lbs after that (weighing in at 214.6 lbs), my BMI will be 29.9 and I will live amongst the overweight.

At my goal weight of 199.0 lbs, my BMI of 27.8 will still make me overweight.

To reach a normal BMI of 24.9, I will need to weigh, 178.8 lbs.

In theory, I would love to be a normal BMI, if only to say, I am normal and know that by this measure, it to be true, but I don't think 178.8 lbs will look good on me nor am I all that convinced that I could get that low. I just don't know, y'know and I won't know until I get close to 200 lbs. I also have to remember that I do have a good bit of excess skin, so I need to somehow not factor that into my calculations, but it's hard not to.

My problem is that I don't know whether I should base my goal on (1) weight, (2) BMI or (3) clothes size. Maybe it should be a combination of all three. Bottom line is that when I reach goal, I don't want to be fat any longer. I don't want to be pudgy, full-figured, plus-sized, thick, voluptuous or any of that. I don't. I don't want a new doctor to tell me I need to lose a few, I don't want any X's, L's or W's in any of my clothes sizes, I don't want any of it. I don't want the "I'm too fat" excuse to be ever used again once I reach goal.

Having said that what number or combination of numbers will get me that? My best bet, I believe is to get to 199 and see what happens. I don't think it serves me well to start wavering on this until I get to that point and see what the landscape looks and feels like.

Anyway, on the 5th day, there was weight gain, not entirely unexpected. I weighed in at 270.2 lbs this morning. Thank you, Provera. Thankfully, I took the last pill yesterday so hopefully my weight will return back to normal soon. I've also given myself a kick in the butt. I have been getting lax with my eating lately which is not good, I'm finding it hard to get back to my old "strict" self and even harder to maintain that level. Part of the problem is that I've become accustomed to drinking flavored water which triggers my sweet tooth which compels me to eat sweet, not so DS-friendly things. I have also had my fair share of cheese and Nature's Own Double Fiber Wheat bread. I swear, this stuff must be laced with crack, because I keep coming back to it. Truth is, the cheese and bread add much needed variety, but my body just doesn't handle it well when I want to be in super weight loss mode.

Today, I start fresh and we'll see how things go. The goal is to eat as clean as possible, get in at least 150 grams of protein and a gallon of water, keep the carbs low, between 30-50 grams.

I run again today and I'm convinced this whole running thing would be 1000% times easier if I weighed like 50 lbs less. My stamina is good, it's just I feel like I'm too heavy to do it consistently. I think I need to add some low impact cardio work to my daily routine, probably just get on my recumbent bike for 1/2 an hour every day to boost my metabolism.

So more bad news, this time on the family front. My sister called me yesterday to tell me my nephew's wife's brother past away suddenly. He was only 34 years old. So sad. He was diabetic (Type I) and was in mediocre, if not poor, health. He was tall, lanky, pale and perpetually sickly looking and he didn't take care of himself. He ate poorly, drank excessively, smoked weed and never exercised. It is so sad. I've only met Lewis a few times in my life but he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, kinda quiet. I won't be going home for the funeral, but will send my condolences.

Yet another reason to feel obligated to take the best care of myself as possible.

Month 17 ... and other stuff

Well, I've had an interesting couple of days. That might be the understatement of the year. First, the whole situation with our Employee #2 seems to be resolves. Long story, he reacted poorly due to some tragic news he had just received and completely over-reacted in the midst of him trying to deal with the bad news. He apologized to Employee #1 as well as to me. I accepted his apology but stressed the need to try to step away and give himself a minute to calm down. I also communicated to the entire staff, in no uncertain terms, that I better not hear or read or catch wind of any more unprofessional behavior. I think for now, that is sufficient. Thank God it's Friday, I truly need a break.

On to more important things. This was an interesting month in my DS life and one that I can easily say I enjoyed, moreso than the last couple. This month was all about exercise and discovering the joy of tennis. The month started off with my Couch to 5K training and I was and still am amazed at my ability to run. It boggles the mind. When I first started walking at the end of 2006, I mentioned the fact that I hated getting lapped my little old ladies, well not anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I actually ran past people walking. It was such a thrill! Typically, there aren't a whole lot of people out there braving the cold and wind so the opportunity to lap folks has been infrequent, that's definitely part of the reason, but to actually pass someone after spending my whole having people pass me by is just incredible! As running gets more and more difficult, I also see improvements in myself, when I first could barely run for 60 straight seconds, I can now run 3 minutes without bursting a lung. I know if I keep at it, I'll be able to reach my goal of running a 5K.

Then there was tennis. I love tennis. I'm flabbergasted at how much I like it. I have very little interest in it pre-surgery. I think maybe it's because of the physicality involved and the opportunity it affords me to move around in space like I don't recall ever doing. I sweat more in one hour of tennis practice than training for the 5K. Also, I don't like sucking at things, especially things I've committed myself to doing. Yesterday I spent an hour practicing my forehand and had to force myself to pack up my stuff and go back home, I could have stayed out there for hours, but there was work to be done. I know I am a good year or so away from being a decent tennis player and I know there's a long road of suckitude and mediocrity ahead, but I know that I'll get there with hard work and lots and lots of practice.

Weight-wise, although I hadn't lost the 15 lbs I was hoping for, I did lose 7 lbs total, but lost roughly 12 lbs of body fat and gained roughly 5 lbs of muscle. I can definitely be happy with that. I do feel stronger, especially in my legs and thighs. which I love. My current weight is a steady 264.0 lbs, down from 516.6 lbs for a total loss of 252.6 lbs in 17 months.

I do find myself more and more anxious to be done with all the weight loss already. As I am never content nor comfortable with my nutrition/supplementation, I am always looking for the problem areas and one seems to pop up every now and again and that is the issue of not eating enough. For me, consuming more than say, 1800 calories, requires effort. I can easily get that amount of food in through the course of the day without thinking about it. Problem is that 1800 calories is nowhere near enough for me. I need to be getting upwards of 2500+ calories a day, probably well over 3000 with the amount of exercise I do. It's still a foreign concept to me and one that I haven't fully embraced -- that of eating more to lose. We've been down this road at least 5 or 6 times over the last 17 months and still I have to step back and remind myself that I need to freakin' eat.

These last several months have been rough though. I haven't lost the weight I have wanted to lose and part of me thinks it might be related to the Protonix I am taking. I have read some anecdotal evidence that PPI's can cause weight gain and my weight loss slow down seems to have started soon after I got on the Protonix at the beginning of August. Since August 1st, I have only lost about 44 lbs, 44 in 6 months. That is way below my average of around 14-17 lbs per month. My other worry is that maybe my estrogen levels are low. Low estrogen has been associated with weight gain, as has been the direct opposite. Maybe I'm reaching here, but I just want to know that there aren't any factors working against me. I know I am getting smaller as I can wear things now that I couldn't merely a month ago, it's just that the scale continues to frustrate the heck out of me. I miss those days when on average I would lose 0.2 - 0.8 lbs a day, hell, even if it went up, it was temporary and it would eventually go right back down. If nothing else, I covet consistency. Anyway, on Monday, I have the dreaded GYN appointment. I am sooooo not looking forward to it, but it must be done. Hopefully all will be well.

It's all the things I can't implicitly control that give me grief, so many other factors to consider like the exercise and increase in muscle I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I wish things could be more formulaic. Do X, get Y. That would be sublime, but such is not the case, at least not in any simple sense. Maybe the solution (goal weight) is a far more complex equation and maybe I don't have all the knowledge, skills and discipline to figure all out just yet...YET. What's interesting though, you would think that I'd find myself more and more content with a more "lenient" goal weight, but truthfully, it makes me want to see that normal BMI more and more. I guess this is a long-winded way for me to say I'm impatient, damnit! LOL.

Tomorrow morning I have a tennis lesson, then I am going to try to get a little shopping done. The rest of the day will be relaxing. Sunday is all about the Super Bowl. For the record, I am rooting for the Giants, gotta root for the underdog, right?

No mas!

I'm contemplating ditching a dinner New Year's Eve Day because it's the start of one my New Year Resolutions which is to start the year off with 30 days of kick-ass nutrition, hydration, supplementation and exercise. I just really, really need to remind myself how well I can do, how good I feel and how well my DS works when I don't engage in any sabotaging behaviors. As of Jan 1, I have 8 months of my weight loss window (if you believe in such things -- I'm not entirely convinced) so I'd like to hit goal by August 30th. I am around 75 lbs away from goal #1 (199 lbs) and around 100 lbs from goal #2 (175 lbs). This year will be my last year for losing weight, after this I am done. I finally saw the commercial Valerie Bertinelli did for Jenny Craig where she very poignantly said that this New Year's would be the first one in 20 years where she wouldn't wake up and the first thing on her mind was losing weight (or something like that) and I certainly understand the emotions she was feeling. 2008 is it for me. I promised myself at the beginning of this journey that I was going to do the work and get it done, that the next two years would be my last two years of "dieting" and I'm going to stick to that.

This morning I weighed in at 273.4 lbs, up 0.2 from yesterday which was to be expected. I didn't drink enough water yesterday, maybe 64 oz and I drank the first 32 oz around 8:30 AM and the last 32 oz around 10 PM, so that wasn't so great. Today it's back up to a gallon and hopefully I can spread it out more. I hate to say it, but sometimes water sucks. One thing though, I haven't had nearly as many diet sodas as I previously did now that I am drinking all this water. I have this nagging notion in the back of my head that all those artificial sweeteners can't possibly be good for me so I least I can take a little comfort in that.

It's been raining off and on all day in Atlanta and we certainly need it. The drought we've been having has been terrible, every little drop counts. I just got back from the bank and the whole area is covered in this misty fog, it's actually quite beautiful and serene. I wish I had my camera with me.

There have been quite a few posts on the DS board at ObesityHelp.com concerning Flagyl. When I went down to Savannah in August, a good friend gave me about 20 or pills and I think in all I've taken make 4. I heard a rumor or two that it may slow your weight loss and after looking at the pros and cons, I decided I just don't need it right now. My smelly gas is more than manageable when I am mindful of what I eat. Eating a low gluten, low dairy, low carb diet really keeps the gas at bay and it's only when any of those three things aren't so low is when I have issues. When I am at goal, I can see myself being on Flagyl as I can tell you right now, the first thing that I will definitely be eating a lot of is cheese. I love it and I miss it and at that point I won't care if it clogs me up. Cheese is my favorite food so I must have it again. Yum.

I have to go down to the Data Center tomorrow where my company's servers are being co-located. Fun. I don't know if y'all have ever been in one, but they are actually kinda cool if you've got a moderate geek quotient. The only bad thing about a trip to the data center is that it if usually very cold and it's illuminated 24/7 with very bright artificial light and there is a non-stop electrical buzz, after all we are talking about a giant room with thousands of servers that need to be cooled. Data centers are high risk so there's usually multiple levels of security to have access to your own servers and typically if you were to see the building from the outside, it would look totally non-descript. Hopefully I will only be there for a few hours, I really don't feel like freezing my butt off all day!

Fantasy & Reality

Weight this morning: 273.2 lbs, down 0.6 lbs from yesterday, and only 1.2 lbs away from my lowest weight for a total loss of 243.4 lbs. Over the course of around 30 minutes I weighed myself four times, each after visiting the bathroom and my weight went from 274.6 to 274.2 to 273.8 then to 273.2. My body fat percentage started off at 46.9% then finalized at 47.5% which is exactly what it was yesterday. It looks like day-to-day trends might be somewhat useless, but I'm hoping week-to-week or month-to-month will show some positive trends.

I actually took a nap yesterday, something I hadn't done in awhile, at least not during the work week, but it was the day after Christmas so no big deal, I think everyone was a little foggyheaded as well. I read this blog post, The Fantasy of Being Thin, and it certainly got me thinking and in short it's spot on. It characterizes characterized me to a T. I was all about the "just wait til I'm skinny" syndrome. In 2007, I certainly became aware of it although I lacked a clever name or description to attach to it. For me it was the slow developing realization that losing the weight wasn't necessarily making me happier. It's not like losing X lbs translates into a Y increase in total happiness and contentment. Losing 341 lbs will not automagically make my way in life categorically better. All it does is (1) make is easier for me to move (2) increase the odds that I will stick around longer. What I realized was that getting to goal is not about finally being able to be happy in my life, deep down it is about greatly reducing my ability to use my weight as an excuse, as THE excuse for any and everything. Turns out, I needed to rethink "me". Not an easy thing at all and needless to say, quite humbling.

Anywho, yesterday I was watching TLC or the Discovery Channel (can't recall which) and they had a show about Plastic Surgery, Before & After and happened to have several people who have had WLS and were going through the process of basically lopping off all their excess skin and I found myself a tad bit envious of them. Not because they were having surgery, but because they were a helluva lot more flabby than I am. I can't wait to get to the super flabby state where my flab is more skin than skin & fat, especially in my thunder thighs!

I am still having a problem when I sleep on my side and wake up a few hours later with pain in my hip. There's got to be something I can do about it. If I sleep on my left side, my right side with hurt, I then have to sleep on my stomach then transition to sleeping on my right side. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the lack of padding between my legs that's causing the pain, but I can't think of anything I can do, like an exercise or stretching, that will alleviate the pain. I tried using a pillow between my legs, but I move my legs too much and always have to readjust. Oh well, maybe it's just something that will resolve itself over time.

Christmas Party #2

So the party last night was pretty cool, I can honestly say I had a decent time. Comparing this year's party with last year's I can easily see a difference. This year I actually had some fun and the food was pretty darn good. My cousin barbecued chicken and a couple of pork tenderloins. Oh my gosh, it was delicious! I brought some chicken and pork home with me, the only thing I did. There was also salmon (not that great), mac & cheese, green bean casserole, lasagna, salad, baked sweet potato casserole and some other stuff I can't remember. All I had was some salmon, chicken, pork and a couple tablespoons of mac & cheese. The mac & cheese was a little mediocre, but overall, I was satisfied. I brought two chocolate chip pies and had a small piece of that and two small Christmas cookies. That was pretty much it. I was actually surprised I didn't eat more, but today I have been starving since I woke up.

Speaking of, BP is out of town and today is my day to do the pet sitting. Since her daughter moved back home, there are a total of 4 cats and 2 dogs that need attention. I got here around 9 AM and let the dogs out, got them fresh water and food, then I fed the three adult cats and the one kitten. The kitten is a little clingy but otherwise okay. BP, as it turns out will be back this evening as they got word that the weather is turning for the worse and they are right. It's miserable right now, not northeast miserable, but miserable for Atlanta. Last night it rained for several hours which sucked because I had to drive all the way down to Stockbridge, GA which is about 50 miles away from me. It took me an hour and forty minutes to get there because of the rain and because it was freakin' dark and I had no idea where I was going. I hate that, it was like a perfect storm of anxiety for me. I hate going to unfamiliar places, at night, in bad weather...it's was nearly enough for me to turn my ass around and go home.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about goals and such for 2008 and the overriding theme for me is to overcome my fear and to really work on my internal thought processes. I have a tendency to engage in a lot of negative self talk and often some self-sabotage, and it's not always conscious. I really want to get past that or at least make some big strides to get past that, then I will be happy. I know a big part of it is incorporating some mantras in my daily life, affirmations, if you will. One mantra I have had with me for a few years, but often have forgotten to employ is "Choose Better". It's like my mom always says, it's all about the choices you make. It's not always about big choices, but for me it's day to day little things. I'm the type of person that can easily get caught up and lost in the big stuff, but I have found that the small choices, the ones that you make 100 times a day, those are the ones that have a greater impact on my life. Choosing the Duodenal Switch over the Roux-en-Y was a big choice, one that required a lot of thought and consideration, but choosing to eat a chicken leg over some chips, drinking another glass of water instead of a diet drink, choosing to take my Vitamin C instead of blowing it off, those choices are so important too because they help establish a pattern or blueprint for the rest of my life.

I was talking to one of my cousin's last night about weight loss surgery and was explaining to her that she needed to research the duodenal switch instead of the RNY and that led us to a greater conversation about manifestation and about what your thoughts and actions, attitudes and behaviors manifest in your life. In my heart I know I want to reach my goal of 199 and my ultimate goal of 175, but that isn't what my thoughts are, often I see myself thinking "I'll never get there" or "why is this so hard" or "could I be happy where I am at", etc. Sometimes I will recognize these thoughts and they often serve as motivation to get myself in gear, but I don't want to be motivated by negativity. I want to surround myself with good and positive things and be motivated and succeed based on those things. My cousin said to focus on what you want, and be specific and to be a good and positive force in the world and those things that you really want and that your heart truly desires will come to you. I truly believe that, the work I have to do is to work on my thought process and behaviors to make that happen.

I'm glad I'm working on all this self-improvement stuff now instead of waiting for January 1. My life doesn't start anew with the New Year, I just want to be able to set out some specific, well defined, tangible goals for 2008 that are a reflection of the self-improvements I want to make.

Flip flop

How is it that "Walking Away The Pounds" is kicking my ass? Craziness! It's no joke and I have to admit to totally underestimating it's effectiveness and I'm still on one-mile! It's good though because I definitely need to build strength in my legs and thighs. I'm still trying to do around 25 minutes on my bike afterwards just to boost my cardio for the day and that's working out fine, so I am happy for now. I grabbed some 10 lb weights the other day and couldn't do 10 bicep curls. Geez, I remember when I would have thought that 10 lbs was lame.

I got my Old Navy fleece pullovers yesterday, finally! They fit great, a little loose, but fine with layers. I am wearing one right now and I love it! I'm trying not to run the heat 24/7 in my house so I am wearing a t-shirt and my pullover over it and feel nice and toasty.

I think I figured out what it is about eggs that sometimes makes me nauseous, it's the yolks. I usually scramble my eggs, but the last three mornings I have been frying them in butter with a sprinkle of salt & pepper. The whites are yummy, the yolks, not so much. I think I'm gonna maybe start eating 4 egg whites and ditch the yolks. Gross. It's weird because I go through these phases with eggs...one minute I could eat them all day long, the next, they make me gag...weird.

Tomorrow, I am meeting two good friends of mine for lunch at this really cool restaurant in midtown Atlanta. I emailed them on a whim yesterday and made plans. I've known them for a good 8 or 9 years and love their company. I saw them last in July, about 50-60 lbs ago. That should be fun and we'll probably do a dinner later next week with the rest of their families. Cool.

I've come to terms with how I am looking at "goal". It's twofold. One, it's 199 lbs which is my post-surgery weight loss goal. Hopefully, by the end of year 2, I will hit this mark. The second is 175 lbs which is my post-plastics weight loss goal. Hitting 199 means I am done and that I succeeded and beat all expectations. When it's time to work toward plastics, I may or may not lose weight in anticipation of it, I'm not sure. Dr. Marchesini told me I should consider plastics when I hit 250 lbs, I don't think so...I want to be in the best shape possible. Anyway, that's what I've decided. I am at piece with that decision. No more flip-flopping....at least I will try not to. :)