Getting out there.

Last night, I attended a social function after work. I was both excited and nervous. Why? Because this whole socializing thing is difficult, but I am making myself do it. It's sort of an industry related thing where a few dozen like-minded folks got together and talked about the businesses we're in. Lots of smart, witty and some geeky & nerdy folks all around. It was good and hopefully I can establish and sustain some working relationships. I still do not have the confidence to feel like I can survive and hold my own in any social setting so luckily a couple of my coworkers went as well so I didn't have to fend for myself. I made an extra effort to look the part before I left for work, nice jeans, button-down fitted shirt, cute hair, sensible jewelry, appropriate shoes. My sister says to never leave the house lookin' crazy -- you never know when you'll meet your future husband -- so along those lines, when I do know I'm going somewhere out of the ordinary, I try to take it up a notch.

As expected, work is getting to be not so intellectually challenging. To be fair, unless you're in retail or are affected financially by the holiday season, 4th quarter is usually a slow one. I feel like I need a pet project to focus my energy on and have been trying to figure out what. I do know this, I don't think I can stay in this current position long term. It's very comfortable, but a little tedious. My day-to-day is about 5 levels below what I'm used to doing techology-wise. My options are to start learning some new skills and transition to another department or after a few more months of the good, lazy life, start thinking about a project that will eventually get me back to being self-employed. I've thought a lot about how I want my next venture to go and with whom I'd like to work so I think by the time I'm ready to make the jump, I will be much better prepared mentally for it.

I don't miss working at my business with my business partner, not at all. I hardly think about it anymore. I honestly thought I'd be dwelling on what they were doing or how things were going, but not so much. The only thing I miss is having sole control over the application I built, being responsible for it's every tweak and nuance. Much of it was a huge pain in the ass, but the software itself have big upside and a lot of potential. Too bad BP is such a loon, it really could have taken off. From what I hear, she is already starting to stress out the three people we hired to replace me. Sigh. I guess it's never ending.

A better grip

I got my tennis racket's grip redone and it makes so much difference. I had a sore arm and hand all week because I had a death-grip on it during drills Monday night because it was too small. I asked for help and one of the tennis instructors was more than happy to redo my grip for me. This is significant because I still find myself hesitant when I need someone to do something for me, remnants of my 500+ lb self.

During our tennis session today, the same instructor was encouraging me to react quicker to the ball. I still have moments where I suffer from stand there and stare at the ball syndrome. I haven't pushed the limits of my agility yet, I think there's a mental wall there or something. I'm aware of it and will try to move around better. It's hard though because, again, I function within a framework where my mind and my body are not always on the same page as far as ability goes.

Back to work tomorrow...boooo. I kinda liked my long weekend, oh well, gotta pay the bills!

Looking & feeling good!

First, congrats to Kim on celebrating her 3 year surgiversary! Woo-hoo! Kim, you are my role model and you kicketh much ass! Love ya girl!

Second, allow me a moment of vanity.... sometimes I just have to celebrate stuff like this because I hardly ever, EVER felt this way pre-surgery, but, y'all, I totally looked cute today! I had a cute outfit on, my hair didn't rebel against me and most importantly, I felt fantastic. Not having to deal with BP and her madness is doing wonders for me. See:This is me at my contract gig. I am wearing a blouse I bought on sale from Lane Bryant, it's a freakin' 14/16 AND it's a little baggy round the midsection! The pants I was wearing were 18's. Boggles the mind.... If I had enough sense I would have taken a full body photo. I also had the hair going right for a change, awesomeness! It was just a great day overall.

Tomorrow, I am ditching work (they knew ahead of time) and heading to Six Flags with some folks from my Duodenal Switch Support Group! I am both scared and excited! I'm looking forward to scratching this off my list of "stuff I want to do when I lose the weight" and what makes this especially cool is that I'll be there with my fellow WLS folk. I can't think of a better group to do this with. I know they will be having many, if not all, of the same feelings I will having tomorrow. I can't wait!

I need more tennis balls...

After my run today, I went to this park closer to my house than the current one I use. This is the same park I mentioned a few weeks ago, that more of a true park than where I walk

So I am repeating Week 3 of my Couch to 5K, a very good decision. I got through the run okay today and indeed it was easier than the previous times so I am fairly confident that I will be able to wrap up this week okay and transition to the next week without killing myself. I'm actually a little surprised because tennis really kicked my butt on Saturday and I'm still a little sore. I was all prepared to give up midway through training, but I managed to get through it. I'm happy about that.

Last night, I looked up some information on this other park by my house and lo and behold, they have tennis courts! Color me happy! So after my run, I drove by and checked out the courts. There are actually four courts and there was no one else around to be found. This park is pretty huge and they have a couple baseball fields, a soccer field, handball courts, basketball courts, all kind of stuff. The tennis courts look to be in good shape and it looks like I can have them all to myself (bwaaahaha) so that means lots of drills and practice for me. I really, really want to be good at this, I'm not sure why, but I really do. I just feel like being good at tennis is something within my reach for a change. Anyway, I'm formulating a practice regimen for the near and long term. I have another formal lesson tomorrow night, so I am going to ask, but from the kinds of things I've read online, I should be working on footwork, ball control, follow through, everything. My footwork sucks, I have zero ball control and I can't even focus on follow through 'cause half the time I miss the ball completely! What I do know is that it'll take discipline and dedication and I want to prove to myself that I can do it, especially the discipline aspect of it. My life has not been defined by discipline and I'd like to be able to say that I can do what it takes to be good at this sport. Getting to goal weight-wise is part of this as well.

Speaking of weight, I'm staying off the scale after I went up like 3 lbs on Sunday, I know it's water weight and has to do with muscle repair after tennis and running. My lower back muscles are swollen, they feel 50% bigger, it's kinda weird actually. Anyway, I will wait til the 30th for the final tally for the month.

Overcome The Fear - 2008

Goals and behaviors to help push past that which has kept me from living the life I want to live and being the person I want to be. Click here to review 2007.

Specific Goals

1. Start 2008 with at least 30 consecutive days of good, high quality nutrition, hydration and supplementation. To remind myself that my DS still works and works well when I stick to the plan and lead a completely healthy lifestyle.
   
2. Complete (and run) four 5K races this year.
   
3. Complete the Peachtree Road 10K Race on July 4th.
   
4. Complete the US 10K Classic Race on Labor Day.
   
5. Go to an amusement park and ride a roller coaster or two. By summer, I should fit, no problem.
   
6. Retire the glasses for good and get contact lenses.
   
7. Reach the milestone of having lost 300 lbs.
   
8. Reach goal weight of 199 lbs.
   
9. Go to alma mater and thank my college mentor.
   
10. Read 20 non-work related books. On the list so far:
    
    
    
    1. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
       
    2. The Memory of Running by Ron McLarty
       
    3. No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
       
    4. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
       
    5. Darwin's Dangerous Idea: Evolution and the Meanings of Life by Daniel C. Dennett
       
    6. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
       
    7. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
       
    8. The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
       
    9. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
       
    10. A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin
        
    11. Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance by Barack Obama
        
    12. The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream by Barack Obama
        
    13. The Now Habit by Neil Fiore
        
    14. Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns
        
    
    
11. Pay off credit card debt. ($1800)
    
12. Go to the dentist.
    
13. Get yearly checkup with the gynecologist.
    

Nutrition/Supplementation/Exercise

1. Get off the blood pressure medication.
   
2. Get better about maintaining nutritional goals when outside of my comfort zone.
   
3. Perform at least 30 mins of vigorous exercise at least 5 times a week.
   
4. Learn to play tennis and join a team.
   
5. Halve my consumption of artificial sweeteners.
   
6. Eat more vegetables
   

Personal Relationships

1. Spend time with my niece and nephew at least once every month.
   
2. Meet with two of my friends (E & N) for lunch every month.
   
3. Take 2-3 trips home to see about Mom & Dad.
   
4. Take a summer trip with my sisters.
   
5. Learn to have more patience with my business partner.
   

Professional Relationships

1. Join the Technology Association of Georgia.
   
2. Join and participate in my local Alumni Association.
   

Recreation

1. Obama in '08 - Volunteer a day a week at the Atlanta Office. Meet new people, participate.
   
2. Find a church and attend regularly.
   
3. Join the local photography club.
   
4. Find cute boys to date … and date them.
   

Miscellaneous

1. By February 1st, reduce by 90% my use of plasticware, paper plates, paper napkins and bottled water. Reduce waste.
   
2. The Great Purge - dispose of or donate most of the remnants of the old me. Basically get rid of the clothes and crap that don't define who I am now or the person I want to be.
   
3. Try makeup.
   

I heart Lou

Positive self talk works wonders for me, but it is something that I have to work really, really hard at as I can easily slip into negative self talk. This is something that is at the top of my life list of things to work on and improve. I keep a notebook of quotes, poems, excerpts, observations, etc. that I carry with me and came across one today from Lou Holtz on Beliefnet.com:

Successful people will always tell you you can do something. It's the people who have never accomplished anything who will always discourage you from trying to achieve excellent things.

How very true that is. I've come across a ton of DSers over the past two years since I first started looking into this surgery and made a decision early on to keep my eye on those who were serious about it because I knew that those are the people who knew how to be successful -- note, I didn't say perfect. They are the ones who really worked their DS and who got right back up after each fall, often these were people who had been morbidly obese their whole lives or who had serious medical problems or who had children who greatly depended on them being there -- basically those with a lot to lose. I know for me, I was at a turning point in my life. I've said this a few times, but there was nothing in my life that was stopping me from being that woman on TV you see who was like 700 lbs and had to be carried out of her house because she couldn't even walk anymore. That was going to be me, no question, no doubt in my mind. I was on the cusp of my downward spiral of poor health. I was thisclose to being a full blown diabetic and going down a path I'm not sure I could have survived. It would have taken a few years, I'm sure, but it would have been a done deal for me. That's some scary shit. As much as I would love to be perfect with my DS, I know I'm not, but I keep trying, dangit. This blog is a HUGE part of it. My rambling and over-analyzing and postulating about what I eat, how much I poop, what supplements I am taking, etc., it's all me trying to succeed. I force myself to blog when I'm doing great and when I suck because I know if I find myself not blogging, then I know that's me giving up and giving in and I don't want that.

I don't know, how this one thing led to another, but I just want to be that success story. I want to be able to say I reach my goal because I worked my ass off, that I not only pushed past my failures, but I picked them apart to see where I could improve and make changes and do better. I want to be able to say, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it. When I walked that 10K, those last couple of miles that's what I thought about. There were certainly moments when I wanted to hop on the quitter's bus and call it a day, but I just kept telling myself "you can do it, you are doing it" and kept on walking. The finish was far from what I imagined, there were no crowds cheering me on, just lots of tears (mine) and an immense sense of self satisfaction.

I guess these thoughts are in my head as I close out month 16. For the record, it will show that I hadn't lost a pound or even gained a couple and maybe a year from now, it won't matter to me much, but right now it's significant because I made a decision that I knew was the best thing for me (getting off the diuretics) but one that I knew would be difficult to reconcile emotionally. Gaining and losing 16 lbs in one month is not fun (nor do I recommend it), but I honestly feel it's probably one of my most proudest months because I was able to make the right decision for me and stick to it AND not let the weight gain completely derail me. Six months ago, I don't think I could have done it and it just makes me happy that I've somehow developed a bit of personal strength along the way. The DS obviously has changed my health for the better, but I'm so thankful that it's given me an opportunity to grow and learn and mature.

Poop and more poop

Good grief, I've been a pooping machine this morning. I think it's the pork ribs clogging me up or the additional iron I am now taking, but it's Poopfest 2007 all over again. Adding the additional iron is doing wonders for me with me not feeling as !@#$-ing cold all the time and I do feel a little more pep. Poop-wise, I pretty consistently have a 18-24 hour turnaround from start to finish. The only exceptions to this are when I eat cheese or wheat products (bread, pasta, etc.), that crap tends to clog me up for at least 2-3 days. Not good. All that pooping definitely showed up on the scale as I weighed in at 278.2 lbs this morning, down an even 2.0 lbs from yesterday and 238.4 lbs overall, but up 6.2 lbs for the month (boo!). I can't wait for my new scale and body fat monitor thingamajig to come in ... like I need more data to obsess over! The UPS tracking number says I should get it on the 24th.

Tonight is support group meeting, yea! I can't wait to go, I love it so much. Unfortunately, I won't be able to say I've lost any weight, but I think getting off the diuretics was the right thing to do so I can say I made a positive decision for my longterm health and now that I am at least getting back to where I was, I am more and more content with my decision. One of the first things for the New Year is an appointment with my PCP to get some labs done as well as to see whether or not I can get off the blood pressure pills. I've been averaging 110/70 the last few times I've taken it and that was several weeks ago. My only fear is that the diuretics may have been contributing to that, but I won't know til I test again, so I will probably just try to get my blood pressure taken tomorrow to see.

Deluzy's post about readership has inspired me to incorporate a reading goal for 2008. A few months ago, I decided I would work my way through Oprah's Book Club as I had already read many of them, but I didn't give myself a timeline to do it. I think I will try to do some of the books at that list, but I need to find some other intellectually stimulating books as well. When I was in Barbados with several of my old college friends, it was so refreshing to be able to engage in intelligent conversations about a variety of things. I don't get that in my day to day and I miss it. I need to keep my mind sharp, so I will be finding books that can get the neurons firing. My initial thoughts are to get through a book a month, but I can read much faster than that, so I may opt for one book every 2 weeks. I do like my television shows so that will definitely cut into reading time, unless of course that writer's strike goes on longer than I expect. By the way, I'm taking book recommendations!

Christmas Party #2

So the party last night was pretty cool, I can honestly say I had a decent time. Comparing this year's party with last year's I can easily see a difference. This year I actually had some fun and the food was pretty darn good. My cousin barbecued chicken and a couple of pork tenderloins. Oh my gosh, it was delicious! I brought some chicken and pork home with me, the only thing I did. There was also salmon (not that great), mac & cheese, green bean casserole, lasagna, salad, baked sweet potato casserole and some other stuff I can't remember. All I had was some salmon, chicken, pork and a couple tablespoons of mac & cheese. The mac & cheese was a little mediocre, but overall, I was satisfied. I brought two chocolate chip pies and had a small piece of that and two small Christmas cookies. That was pretty much it. I was actually surprised I didn't eat more, but today I have been starving since I woke up.

Speaking of, BP is out of town and today is my day to do the pet sitting. Since her daughter moved back home, there are a total of 4 cats and 2 dogs that need attention. I got here around 9 AM and let the dogs out, got them fresh water and food, then I fed the three adult cats and the one kitten. The kitten is a little clingy but otherwise okay. BP, as it turns out will be back this evening as they got word that the weather is turning for the worse and they are right. It's miserable right now, not northeast miserable, but miserable for Atlanta. Last night it rained for several hours which sucked because I had to drive all the way down to Stockbridge, GA which is about 50 miles away from me. It took me an hour and forty minutes to get there because of the rain and because it was freakin' dark and I had no idea where I was going. I hate that, it was like a perfect storm of anxiety for me. I hate going to unfamiliar places, at night, in bad weather...it's was nearly enough for me to turn my ass around and go home.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about goals and such for 2008 and the overriding theme for me is to overcome my fear and to really work on my internal thought processes. I have a tendency to engage in a lot of negative self talk and often some self-sabotage, and it's not always conscious. I really want to get past that or at least make some big strides to get past that, then I will be happy. I know a big part of it is incorporating some mantras in my daily life, affirmations, if you will. One mantra I have had with me for a few years, but often have forgotten to employ is "Choose Better". It's like my mom always says, it's all about the choices you make. It's not always about big choices, but for me it's day to day little things. I'm the type of person that can easily get caught up and lost in the big stuff, but I have found that the small choices, the ones that you make 100 times a day, those are the ones that have a greater impact on my life. Choosing the Duodenal Switch over the Roux-en-Y was a big choice, one that required a lot of thought and consideration, but choosing to eat a chicken leg over some chips, drinking another glass of water instead of a diet drink, choosing to take my Vitamin C instead of blowing it off, those choices are so important too because they help establish a pattern or blueprint for the rest of my life.

I was talking to one of my cousin's last night about weight loss surgery and was explaining to her that she needed to research the duodenal switch instead of the RNY and that led us to a greater conversation about manifestation and about what your thoughts and actions, attitudes and behaviors manifest in your life. In my heart I know I want to reach my goal of 199 and my ultimate goal of 175, but that isn't what my thoughts are, often I see myself thinking "I'll never get there" or "why is this so hard" or "could I be happy where I am at", etc. Sometimes I will recognize these thoughts and they often serve as motivation to get myself in gear, but I don't want to be motivated by negativity. I want to surround myself with good and positive things and be motivated and succeed based on those things. My cousin said to focus on what you want, and be specific and to be a good and positive force in the world and those things that you really want and that your heart truly desires will come to you. I truly believe that, the work I have to do is to work on my thought process and behaviors to make that happen.

I'm glad I'm working on all this self-improvement stuff now instead of waiting for January 1. My life doesn't start anew with the New Year, I just want to be able to set out some specific, well defined, tangible goals for 2008 that are a reflection of the self-improvements I want to make.

Crazy Thought Processes

Let me let you in on the crazy thought process I have employed most of life when confronted with something exciting and fun that I want to do.

1. Realization of interest: Just got an email that there is going to be a huge Barack Obama/Opray Winfrey rally in nearby SC. Totally cool! I think to myself "I am totally there!"

2. Information gathering: I know the who, so now to find out the what, when, where and why. This Sunday, University of SC, at 2:30PM. There are several groups of Georgian's making the road trip, cost is nothing, don't bring any bags, camera's should be fine. Everything checks out, technically I can make the trip.

3. Spread the word: I forward my sister the email about it, tell her that I'm totally there, I eventually call her, all excited, and of course, she says go do it! I do this to have a 2nd party validate my interest. I don't know why I do this.

4. The "f" word: Uh, oh, here comes doubt. I start thinking "should I go?" and "do I really want to go", "I shouldn't go". I start thinking about "fitting" again, in seats, on a bus, in a car, etc. Fear rears it's nasty head and I can't even put my finger on any specific thing as to why.

5. Epiphany: "Why is it again that I can't/shouldn't go?" I ask myself. I've realized that there is foolishness in being afraid and try to figure out why I had that reaction and whether or not I should actually go. Going is what I want to do, it's my initial gut reaction. Not going is a contrivance, no meat to it, just fear winning.

6. Decision-time: This is where I am at right now. There is no reason for me not to go. I can't think of one, but I have this uneasiness about going, even though I want to. In the past that would have been enough for me to not go and just live with the regret, but it's hard grasping the idea that I can decide to go and just go without all this other crap to deal with.

So, this is what I deal with when it comes to making decisions about going outside my circle of comfort. Crazy, ain't it?