29 December 2007

I heart Lou

Positive self talk works wonders for me, but it is something that I have to work really, really hard at as I can easily slip into negative self talk. This is something that is at the top of my life list of things to work on and improve. I keep a notebook of quotes, poems, excerpts, observations, etc. that I carry with me and came across one today from Lou Holtz on Beliefnet.com:
Successful people will always tell you you can do something. It's the people who have never accomplished anything who will always discourage you from trying to achieve excellent things.

How very true that is. I've come across a ton of DSers over the past two years since I first started looking into this surgery and made a decision early on to keep my eye on those who were serious about it because I knew that those are the people who knew how to be successful -- note, I didn't say perfect. They are the ones who really worked their DS and who got right back up after each fall, often these were people who had been morbidly obese their whole lives or who had serious medical problems or who had children who greatly depended on them being there -- basically those with a lot to lose. I know for me, I was at a turning point in my life. I've said this a few times, but there was nothing in my life that was stopping me from being that woman on TV you see who was like 700 lbs and had to be carried out of her house because she couldn't even walk anymore. That was going to be me, no question, no doubt in my mind. I was on the cusp of my downward spiral of poor health. I was thisclose to being a full blown diabetic and going down a path I'm not sure I could have survived. It would have taken a few years, I'm sure, but it would have been a done deal for me. That's some scary shit. As much as I would love to be perfect with my DS, I know I'm not, but I keep trying, dangit. This blog is a HUGE part of it. My rambling and over-analyzing and postulating about what I eat, how much I poop, what supplements I am taking, etc., it's all me trying to succeed. I force myself to blog when I'm doing great and when I suck because I know if I find myself not blogging, then I know that's me giving up and giving in and I don't want that.

I don't know, how this one thing led to another, but I just want to be that success story. I want to be able to say I reach my goal because I worked my ass off, that I not only pushed past my failures, but I picked them apart to see where I could improve and make changes and do better. I want to be able to say, this was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it. When I walked that 10K, those last couple of miles that's what I thought about. There were certainly moments when I wanted to hop on the quitter's bus and call it a day, but I just kept telling myself "you can do it, you are doing it" and kept on walking. The finish was far from what I imagined, there were no crowds cheering me on, just lots of tears (mine) and an immense sense of self satisfaction.

I guess these thoughts are in my head as I close out month 16. For the record, it will show that I hadn't lost a pound or even gained a couple and maybe a year from now, it won't matter to me much, but right now it's significant because I made a decision that I knew was the best thing for me (getting off the diuretics) but one that I knew would be difficult to reconcile emotionally. Gaining and losing 16 lbs in one month is not fun (nor do I recommend it), but I honestly feel it's probably one of my most proudest months because I was able to make the right decision for me and stick to it AND not let the weight gain completely derail me. Six months ago, I don't think I could have done it and it just makes me happy that I've somehow developed a bit of personal strength along the way. The DS obviously has changed my health for the better, but I'm so thankful that it's given me an opportunity to grow and learn and mature.

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