Getting close....

So, I'm closing in on three years. Amazing. It seems like such a long, long time ago. I can barely believe it. I'm bouncing around in the 240-250 range lately, which is alright. I am still prone to retain water like a mad woman when I don't get my protein in and I know exactly why the scale jumps up when it does. I still struggle with extremes. I often find myself oscillating between being hyper-vigilant and being very lax. Moderation, it seems, is quite elusive for me. It seems as though I just need to find the right balance and fully embrace who I am and what my needs are now AND fully release who I was, my old fears and concerns. I am a work in progress.

I have found, though, that I will NOT be one to take Flagyl on a maintenance level. I tried it for a couple of weeks, and honestly, it was so awesome. I could eat horribly and not have gas or poop problems.....but then, the nightmare began. I'm one of the lucky few who has a delicate gut, meaning I have to have a plethora of intestinal flora or I start having hives, joint pain, fatigue, etc. I had a wicked bout of hives and such severe joint pain in my left elbow, it seriously felt like I broke something. I had to wear a sling for a couple of days, I couldn't move it. Once I ditched the Flagyl and started some serious probiotics, it finally cleared up and I have been hive and pain free since. It took a good two weeks to get things back to normal, but I tell ya, I will never do that again!

Back to the whole moderation/balance thing. What I have been doing lately is staying away from carbs, Monday - Friday and indulging a bit on the weekends. The problem is that the indulging can get a little crazy and I tend to not get all my protein in. Talking to my sister about this she said that I shouldn't look at my weekends like that. It is very reminiscent of my pre-surgery life, where I looked forward to being a carb-induced fog for two days. She said I shouldn't have a deprivation mindset, instead of denying myself all week and gorging on the weekends, I should have that cookie if I want it, or a hamburger with bread, etc if I want it, that way, these little "treats" aren't such a big deal. I won't look at it like all or nothing. I think it makes sense, but it's a little scary to work myself through to that point. Instead of being protein first, I tend to be protein-only, all or nothing!

I am not actively trying to lose any more weight. I could buckle down and lose more, but I'm pretty content where I am. I'm not thrilled, but I'm not disappointed. I lost 285 lbs, that's a lot and what's funny, my excess skin is now started to bother me more and more. Sometimes I see myself and say "man, I have such huge thighs" but I know, most of that is skin. Same thing with my stomach. I honestly, don't have a lot of fat there, I have like a 36 in waist and it would be smaller without the skin. I know when it comes time to seriously start looking into it and working toward it, I will want to lose 25-30 more pounds before I get on the surgery table and that's cool, that makes sense, but I'm not going to be focusing on "weight loss", just maintenance & good health is fine for now.

One of the things that has kept me on a healthy track is that I play a lot of tennis, like 4-5 times a week for as little as an hour to 2.5 hours at a time. I get a good bit of exercise a week AND I also do 45 minutes of an exercise tape 2-4 times a week, especially on days I don't play. I make sure I get my exercise in. I freakin' love tennis, can't get enough of it. I've gotten pretty decent at it, taking lessons and working on things, learning as much as I can. It's so cool to be able to say I play a sport and the coolest thing by far is that my size is an advantage. Finally, being tall works to my benefit!!!

Anyway, I'm slowly working my way back to this blog. I have a couple of things I know I will want to work my way through, one of them being, I am considering therapy with a therapist who is familiar with the issues of post-weight loss surgery folk. I don't feel like I am in a tenuous situation or anything, but I do feel like I need to take some next steps to fully realize the things I want in my life. Right now I feel a little ill-equiped, so I look at it as a good thing!

Alrighty then, time to get to work..

Maybe he was right....

Y'know....now that I've lost around 18 freakin' pounds of water weight (252 lbs this AM) in like a week and a half, I took a good hard look at myself this morning. Maybe I am playing mental games with myself again, but sometimes I get a good look at myself and don't think I need to lose that much more weight. I looked at myself this morning right out of the shower and I've noticed two things, one, I do not have a lot of muscle tone and (2) I have a helluva lot of excess skin. I mean, A LOT, more than I realized. I wish I could weigh my excess skin to know how much it is so that I'd know if I needed to lose more weight or not. My legs are the biggest problem. Today I stood in one leg of some pre-surgery shorts and could easy walk around the house like I was wearing a skirt. Not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, I could still get in the one pant leg, but it was a little difficult walking because it was snug. I had some serious thunder thighs, if I were a braver person, I'd show you a picture of them, but I ain't so you'll have to just imagine the horror. Today, they are horrible for a totally different reason. When I stand and put my leg on a stool, there is a like a curtain of skin and fat hanging down, it looks like you could just lop it all off and it'd weight 25 lbs or something. Because there is still a good bit of fat on both my legs and some on my whole body, it compels me to want to lose more weight. My weight loss window allegedly close a couple of months ago, but we'll see about that. Maybe Dr. Marchesini was right, maybe 250 lbs is right for me given that I have sooooo much excess skin. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm sticking to my relatively new plan of just hitting the 300 lbs loss mark at 216.6 lbs, roughly 35 lbs away. I think that will put me in size 16 jeans, I doubt I'll change too much on top unless my boobs get flatter. I know I will see 199, but it will probably have to wait til post plastics. My goal is to reach 216.6 by the end of the year, truthfully, I'd like to see it by mid-Autumn, if not earlier, depending on how this month goes. Truthfully at this point, I just want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's! Enough already! In fact, I want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's and blow right past the 240's into the 230's. The 250's seem way too close to 300 for my liking. 239 would make me so happy! In due time, Tia, in due time.

So tonight should be interesting, just got off the phone with my business partner and she sounds like she's on the brink of having a meltdown. Sigh. Luckily it has nothing to do with me so I'm in the clear on that regard. Whew. BUT I know I'll have to do some soothing. Ugh. I wish she wouldn't look at everything as a freakin' personal affront. Good gried, y'know, sometimes people just disagree with you because they just think differently, not because they hate you... ***rolling eyes ****

After I ranted about not really wanting to run the 10K on the 4th, I got my cool race packet. Kinda makes me want to run it, but only a little bit. I'm thinking I just might turn it in which reserves me a spot next year. I'm just not in the mood or shape to run this year and frankly, I'd rather play tennis as we all know it's my latest obsession. I just got a kick-ass deal on 100+ used, but in great condition, tennis balls and a wire ball hopper. This way I can more easily practice on my own without having to chase balls every 2 minutes. Right now, I have around 18 tennis balls which means I can only practice 18 serves in a row or 18 forehands because then I have to walk to the other side of the court, collect the 18 balls and do it again. Now, all that changes. The best part is that it only cost me $40! I got a great deal, makes me happy!

Well, time to go drink a protein shake, watch a little TV and wait for BP to call...good times.

Mmmmmm

Let me rave about some DS-friendly yumminess:

Angus burgers....freakin' delicious! Where have they been all my life? I bought a couple of packs of 1/3 lb Angus burgers at Walmart last week. Mine have vidalia onions minced in which provide great flavor. My favorite thing to do is fry me up a burger and serve with sliced dill pickle and mustard. Yum. Each patty has 19g of protein and a very awesome 30g of fat -- translation deliciousness!

Roasted & Salted Sunflower Kernels. They are a great protein/fat snack and highly portable. I usually keep a container in my office, one in my tennis bag, another in my day-to-day bag and one in my car. Whenever I feel like mindless snacking, I snack on these as they certainly satisfy my off and on desire for salty crunchy snacks. Each 1 oz serving as 6g of protein, 15g of fat and 5g of carbs, 4g of which are fiber. Perfect and inexpensive. Each 7.25 oz container costs like $1.15 at Kroger.

Butter. I love butter. If I had to pick my favorite DS friendly food, it would be butter, hands down. Why? Butter goes with anything. I'm a lucky DS-er in that copious amounts of fat in my diet don't hurt me at all, no explosive diarrhea from fat, no oil slicks, none of that. In fact, if I don't eat enough of it I have problems, so slather on the butter is my motto. Not joking, I can easily go through a stick of butter a day without batting an eye. I cook eggs in tablespoons of butter. I put butter in my soups and chili, I fry hamburgers in butter. I cook veggies in butter. I love butter more than Paula Deen and my cholesterol is a stunning 122. One of my favorite dishes is sauteeing freshly minced garlic in butter and then cooking shrimp in it to perfect tenderness. YUM.

Okay, enough food talk, I just had an Angus and am coming off a beef high.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that I hear back from the Dr.'s office tomorrow at least about the X-Rays. I am hoping it is what I think it is so that we can treat it. I am more than anxious to fix the problem and hopefully getting back on a normal (for me) weight loss track. I am anxious to be done with all my excess weight and I am excited at the prospect of it being doable. I feel like I've been through so many emotions within the last 24 hours, very hard to explain. It could be the residual effects of the hormones I was taking, but I've been cultivating a certain level of frustration and disappointment for some time now and have been reluctant to let it out fully on this site because I didn't want to seem like a completely negative person which I am not. I just didn't have the answers and now I feel like I just might and I just want to get going already. Tomorrow hopefully will bring some news, tonight I will certainly try to get in the sleep that I missed last night. My brain is just racing and I can't stop thinking about it so y'all will have to allow me to indulge in this temporary obsession, it's a big one though!

Next steps...

Ok. I go to the GYN's office this morning to pick my orders for the tests I need to take. I then go to a different location, give the receptionist my paperwork, wait for my name to be called and surrender 4 vials of blood. I then have to yet another location for my X-rays. They basically just take two X-rays of my noggin, lateral view and I'm on my way home. Overall, pretty painless and I am hoping that at least the X-ray results will be available to my doctor today and I will hear from them soon.

I spent another good 2 hours late last night doing more research and I'm almost certain it's a prolactinoma. There seems to be three different causes for hyperprolactinaemia (1) reaction to certain medications none of which I am taking, (2) related to a thyroid condition - my tests are normal or (3) a tumor/cyst on the pituitary gland. At this point, I feel like all I need is a doggone prescription and I'm good to go. The most frustrating realization about this whole prolactinoma thing is that if I indeed have one, then it's reason #1 as to why I haven't been losing weight as well as I should have for like the past 4-6 months. I've read plenty of message board posts about people gaining weight because of hyperprolactinaemia and I think for me my DS was basically fighting tooth and nail with the prolactinoma as far as whether I'd lose weight or not. Seems like the DS was winning, but barely. It would be pie in the sky, la-la-land for me to hope to start taking Cabergoline and voila, I lose 20 lbs overnight. All I really want is for my old DS ability to lose weight to return. That's all I want. I don't have a problem doing the work, eating right and exercising, what's been completely maddening is doing the work and seeing very little results AND thinking I am doing something wrong OR thinking my DS is broken or my window is closed. Ugh.

It's weird because I'm hopeful that this is what has been causing my problems and therefore a solution exists, but frustrated with myself for not seeing a GYN earlier. If I had done so in August, it's possible I could be down another 30-60 lbs. I had been averaging over 17+ lbs loss per month up until then and then it fell to like 8 lbs or less. Frustrating. Oh well, no need to get all riled up for nothing. I just want my kick-ass DS weight-loss ability back, that's all. I feel 100 times more confident that my goal is attainable, before yesterday, I was honestly mostly doubtful, but didn't want to completely give up.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Crazy Thought Processes

Let me let you in on the crazy thought process I have employed most of life when confronted with something exciting and fun that I want to do.

1. Realization of interest: Just got an email that there is going to be a huge Barack Obama/Opray Winfrey rally in nearby SC. Totally cool! I think to myself "I am totally there!"

2. Information gathering: I know the who, so now to find out the what, when, where and why. This Sunday, University of SC, at 2:30PM. There are several groups of Georgian's making the road trip, cost is nothing, don't bring any bags, camera's should be fine. Everything checks out, technically I can make the trip.

3. Spread the word: I forward my sister the email about it, tell her that I'm totally there, I eventually call her, all excited, and of course, she says go do it! I do this to have a 2nd party validate my interest. I don't know why I do this.

4. The "f" word: Uh, oh, here comes doubt. I start thinking "should I go?" and "do I really want to go", "I shouldn't go". I start thinking about "fitting" again, in seats, on a bus, in a car, etc. Fear rears it's nasty head and I can't even put my finger on any specific thing as to why.

5. Epiphany: "Why is it again that I can't/shouldn't go?" I ask myself. I've realized that there is foolishness in being afraid and try to figure out why I had that reaction and whether or not I should actually go. Going is what I want to do, it's my initial gut reaction. Not going is a contrivance, no meat to it, just fear winning.

6. Decision-time: This is where I am at right now. There is no reason for me not to go. I can't think of one, but I have this uneasiness about going, even though I want to. In the past that would have been enough for me to not go and just live with the regret, but it's hard grasping the idea that I can decide to go and just go without all this other crap to deal with.

So, this is what I deal with when it comes to making decisions about going outside my circle of comfort. Crazy, ain't it?

Where's my hour?!?

So I didn't do the Heart Walk this weekend, I'm glad I didn't. I needed the break and it was total bliss to be able to sleep in a little bit. My bed is so great. So warm and toasty. I have perfected the art of the warm and toasty bed. I am so proud of myself. The day started off well, slept in, had a good breakfast, got a little work out the way, but it didn't end so. My alma mater go their asses kicked big time...sigh. Well, that's an overstatement. They played a close game with a team that in the past they would have creamed. They lost in the last second. Football season is my favorite time of year and as my most favorite team is downright abyssmal, it has affected my zest for the game. Oh well, at least the Cowboys are doing well and made up for it last night! I had a lot of fun watching the game last night while on the phone with my mom. She's a crazy Cowboys fan, in fact, you'll have to blame my football fanaticism on her. I got my yelling at the TV from her.

I haven't stepped on the scale in almost a week (10/31) and I am not the least bit frantic about it. No, really. Seriously, stop laughing. Y'know, I have to say, there is a certain amount of peace in not weighing and NOT worrying about what I weigh. I think I can successfully move on to weighing once a week and be good. I am still eating my protein, but have let the carbs creep up a little bit. Today, I've got them under control. I bought 6 cans of that corn I mentioned earlier and have made my way through 5 of them. That's just me, I find something new that I like and I'm all about it. I won't be buying any more after this last can, man that stuff is good but boy let me tell you, it's like a freakin' natural laxative or something.

Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time setting and meeting goals, especially with the DS, I've let the carb monster tempt and seduce me far too much and it's disappointing. I think it's fear based and my strong disinterest to do any kind of clothes shopping is part of that. Yes, I jest about not going shopping, but I really, REALLY, do not want to do it and it's so unlike me and it's bothering me that I don't just go and do it. In reality, I want to go, but it's sooooo overwhelming and seriously, how can there possibly be that many choices in the world? Why aren't sizes consistent? How in God's name am I supposed to know what pants go with what shirt? Why are there 30 million types of bras? In one regard, life was much simpler at 500+ lbs. I had like 7 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. There were only like 5 types of bras to choose from. No stress...no variety either, but certainly no stress. Something to work on, I know.

I've lost 26 lbs in the last two months, yet I feel like I am not making progress. Why is that?

My body hasn't adjusted to Daylight Saving Time just yet. I completely forgot until about mid morning yesterday when I looked at the clock on my computer and thought to myself, "damn, I've gotten a lot done in just under an hour ... wait ... I know I've been up for more than an hour!" and then it dawned on me. Duh! I wasn't able to fully take advantage of my extra hour of sleep time. Oh well.

I am in love! When I was at Kroger the other day, I happened upon Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash. Sweet Jesus, this stuff is delicious! At the moment, I can't imagine my life without it (see above reference to something new). It's fruity, refreshing and despite what the link says, reminds me of spring which is apropos because the weather will soon get miserable. I love this stuff, I highly recommend it. It's caffeine, calorie and sugar free! I will try not to drink this constantly, but I make no promises.