Random Sunday Stuff

I am turning into my mother's child! I went shopping yet again today, Lane Bryant was having a sale and as much as I would like to not have to shop there, their pants - specifically the Right Fit Blue 2's - fit me perfectly and flawlessly. The sale was Buy One Get One Free, so I ended up buying 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of khaki pants, a pair of black pants and two shirts, all for about $100. Awesomeness. My previous shopping trip and this current one have earned me $175 in Lane Bryant dollars or whatever they're called so I have those to spend in the next two weeks. I think I am going to focus on undergarments next time around.

I am really intent on looking good at work and whenever I go out. Looking good makes me feel good and certainly makes me feel more confident. I hardly ever felt that way before I lost all the weight.

I must have been more tired than I thought because I laid down in my bed last night around 7:30 thinking I'd watch one of the late football games all comfy in my bed, then probably go to bed around 10, but that didn't happen, not even close. I think I conked out around 8-8:15 PM and woke up around 8:30 this morning. Goodness! I haven't slept like that in ages. It was great although by 1PM, I felt like I could take another nap. Sometimes too much sleep ain't good, believe it or not!

My sister, S, called me this afternoon to talk about our older sister, L. Another sister, C, called S earlier and told her that L had "taken" something of our mother's without her knowledge and obviously not her permission. This pisses me off to no end. Right now, I feel like I want to throttle L. How dare she! L is somewhat of an anomaly in our family because she is, by far, the most morally corrupt of us all. I don't get it. For the longest time, she was our mother's favorite child - by far - and so was probably spoiled more than the others (I have no idea about this because L was in her 20's by the time I was born). I do know she is incredbly selfish and conniving and I don't trust her AT ALL. I just infuriates me that she feels it is okay to completely take advantage of mom and dad like that. I truly hate to say this about a sibling of mine, but I absolutely do NOT like her. None of us are perfect and we all have our own issues, God knows I have mine, but one thing that we do in our family is we respect each other and we especially respect our elders. We don't cuss each other out, we don't call each other out our names and we don't talk back or disrespect our elders. This doesn't mean we can't disagree and voice our opinions and push back when we need to, we just don't act a fool. L, did exactly that which was completely unheard of in our family. All this concerns me because my parents have greatly slowed down and are somewhat fragile and I do not like the idea that L has access to their house and I don't trust her to not act selfish and potentially criminally if something should happen to them. I just don't trust her. I'm going to have to keep my eye on her. I hate that it has to come to this, but it is what it is.

Anyway, back to the grind tomorrow. Haven't been to work in a week and am not really looking forward to it. Texas was so relaxing, but being back means that I need to get things going with my new venture. This stuff excites me so I don't mind that so much. I have a couple of meetings over the next couple of weeks and now have plenty of professional stuff to wear. Now is the time to sort of re-introduce myself to the tech community here in Atlanta which is a scary thing, to put your name out there and I have to make sure my name and who I am and what I am about is completely positive. I think I am ready for it. People who've known me for years know I'm all good and I have a good reputation, now is the time to really spread my wings and extend outside of my small little circle of friends and colleagues. The tail end of 2008 and all of 2009 are going to be significant for me. It'll be amazing, I know.

Give hope a chance

What a historic week this has been. I'm finally fully recovered from election night and a long night it was. I think I maybe got 2 hours of sleep that night. Best part of it was talking to my parents, 76 and 79 years old. They have always been good citizens, they've been voting diligently for as long as they could. They are of a generation who have endured so much, I can't even imagine and much of it, too painful to talk about, especially my father and the 25+ years he spent serving in the army during a time when he was considered less than. I am 100% excited about our new president. I think with his leadership and a lot of citizen power, good progress can be made in our country. Having volunteered with the campaign over the last 18 months, I got to see first hand what an incredible amount of work that gets accomplished by so many anonymous folks, it's amazing. That is what gives me so much hope. I have yet to come across anyone with any pie in the sky ideas about what Obama can and can not do. I think the tone and tenor of this acceptance speech indicated that clearly, it was hardly celebratory. There is a crap-load of hard work to be done and dare I say most of it will fall on everyday Americans. I'm okay with that. We have to do our part too. It's that whole "ask not what your country can do for you" kind of thing.

In college I was a student activist for most of the time I was there. It was a lot of work and incredibly emotionally draining, but I truly believed in the work I was doing. It's tough fighting for people and causes where there isn't a lot of acknowledgment nor glory. No one really pats you on the back and you never really get any kudos and by the time you leave school, you either feel like you've accomplished something and are ready for the world or you are like me, totally burned out and incredibly cynical. For years afterwards, I thought I wasted a lot of time, but it wasn't until 4 or 5 years later when I started hearing from a few of those who where 2-3 years behind me talk about how I inspired them or they looked up to me and how I was someone they wanted to emulate. I was flat out shocked, because I didn't think anyone really noticed much. The thing, for me, was to leave the school in a better place than what I found it. I really feel like I did that. The kids now going to my alma mater have it so much easier than we did and I like to think I had a little part of that and it makes me happy. I don't have any delusions about what Obama can and can't do, he was right when he said, his election isn't the change we need, it's only the chance to make it happen. I for one, will continue to be involved because I believe in hope. I learned that from my family history and my culture early on. It's sooooo not about me, but those who will follow.

Anyway, I had an opportunity to wear some of my new clothes and it felt great. I felt like I took things up a notch. I wore a pair of size 16 pants with confidence and I think I am officially done with Lane Bryant as far as tops go. The smallest size is 14/16 and that's just too big. The sweaters I bought are fine as I am layering them over blouses, but I'm just wasting money if I continue to buy tops there as I can find a ton of things for much less money at "normal" stores.

I have a couple of tough decisions to make. Right now I am technically a contract at my current gig which is nice, the hourly rate is awesome, especially since I still get benefits, etc. The interesting thing is that I think they are going to offer me a fulltime job at the beginning of the year. The place I work has top notch perks, I mean, it's crazy, the #1 reason why they have so many long-term folks there, BUT they tend to not pay as much as far as industry standards go so potentially, I might be taking home a little less than what I have been. The other thing is that my job isn't all that challenging really. I like the environment and the people I work with, I like going to work there, I like being in the city and dressing up for work, I like the whole lifestyle of it, BUT I don't really enjoy the work, it's kind of mundane, I'm used to more rewarding work, I'm used to the work I do having a big impact. Such is not the case at this gig. The business that I am starting interests me 100 times more, but it'll be a while til I have a beta up and running and probably another 6 months until I have enough clients to support myself comfortably. The next 3-6 months will tell the tale and set the stage for how things go.

This weekend has been lazy. I am going to Starbucks @ Barnes & Noble in the morning to sort of mellow out and pick up a few books. I also have heard about Starbuck's salted caramel hot chocolate. I think I may need to try a small one. I then have tennis at 1PM and will probably just run a few errands after that. Tonight, it's football and working on my business plan and budget. Since I am starting this business on my own, I want to have all my ducks in a row.

Big things on the horizon.

I've had one hell of a week, a good one, but it's been crazy. The biggest thing is that I've decided to start working toward starting a business - again. I've had a couple of opportunities fall in my lap this week AND I've had one of the vendors I used to work with at my old company practically begging me to develop a new version of the software I wrote so that they can offer it to their customers. I had been slowing working toward making the decision to get back into the game but the developments of the past week really solidified it for me. This time around, the business will be completely on my terms, no more crazy business partners to deal with. Speaking of, I hear things aren't going so well with the company now that I'm gone. Big shock ... not. One of the three programmers that were hired is threatening to bolt. Sigh. She has managed to drive him absolutely crazy in a little over 3 months. What a mess. I am soooo glad I have nothing to do with that crap.

I engaged in some serious retail therapy Friday. I was lacking in the fall/winter clothing department and desperately needed to stock the closet which also means I had to empty it out of the latest batch of clothes that don't fit anymore. Craziness. I am now comfortably in size 16's pants. I picked up quite a few sweaters and shirts from Old Navy. I then went to Lane Bryant and picked up a few more things. This is the most I've spent on clothes in a long, long time. Part of the reason is because I feel like I need to dress the part. The idea of getting back to what I love - starting/running my own business - is envigorating and now that the opportunity is right at my feet and now that I feel so much more confident about myself, I want to look the part. I want to look and feel like a CEO. I worked hard to get myself into and graduate from a top 20 school and I've worked hard to be good at what I do and to try to learn as much as I can and build good relationships so I just feel like all these little things in my life are coming together. I just want to look on the outside, how I feel on the inside. Here are some pics of some of the outfits (Note: my head looks enormous):







I voted Friday as well, took three hours, but I'm glad I got it done, now I can spend Tuesday freaking out without the added pressure of actually having to go wait probably like 5 hours to go vote.

I forgot to give an update of Month 26, but I ended up at 231.4 lbs. For a total loss of 285.2 lbs. Not as much as I wanted, but I am dealing with the Big C (still) and some water retention issues. I've been a little lax with the 3 protein shakes a day, been only getting 2 so I'm going to put more effort in making sure I get that third one in.

This week I have training at work Tuesday-Thursday and I'm a little worried about getting my food in, there are long periods of lectures and group work, I can't exactly chug down a protein shake in the middle of it. I'll just have to be sure that pre- and post- training and during lunch, I get my protein in.

10/12

Holy sh!t. So I had bought this shirt about two months ago and mistakenly grabbed a size smaller than what I wanted. I grabbed a 10/12 instead of a 14/16. This was before I stopped the bad habit of buying clothes without trying them on. Anyway, when I got home and tried it on, it was skin tight, it's one of those tapered, fitted shirts that I love to wear with jeans or khakis. The fabric is a little stretchy and so it has a good bit of give, but it was just too tight. Fast forward to this morning. I see the shirt and am like "what the hell?!" and I tried it on and it freakin' fits perfectly! I'm totally tripping. A size 10/12, can you believe that? And to make things even more interesting...I'm about to wear a size 16 pair of khakis tomorrow! So let's see, I can wear a 10/12 top, a size 14 skirt and 16 in pants. That's amazing to me.

Tennis last night was totally awesome. It was freakin' freezing, but it was awesome. Half the people didn't show because it was 45-ish ° and very windy, but after 15-20 mins of running around, I had to shed a couple of the layers I was wearing. The only thing that froze were my fingers. The mobility thing is finally working out, I'm staying alert, keeping my racket in front of me, following the ball and keeping on my toes. One problem I still have is sometimes my mind just wanders off in la-la land when I'm watching the other team and so instead of thinking of what I should be doing in preparation for their return, I sometimes just slightly space out, marveling at the fact I got the darn ball over the net. That's my ADD acting up.

I'm going shopping after work today. I have got to pick up a coat, some thermals, sweaters, gloves, thick socks and some kind of scarf or something. I ain't about to freeze and it's only going to get worse.

Listening to my body

A few days ago I added a night time dose of iron to supplement my morning dose and boy what a difference. I thought my sluggishness was due to the crazy hours I've been keeping, but not so much. I feel so much better, I'm even not as cold as I usually am. It's funny how while I'm working hard to make sure one thing is on point (protein), another thing (iron) needed my attention. Such is the DS life, vigilance is required for life.

A good thing about the crazy hours I keep is that I now have a solid exercise plan. Tomorrow I am joining the gym at my job. I can put in my 8 hours, go to the gym and still catch the first bus home. It just works out almost perfectly and the price is right, a mere $30/month and no initial fee. They have the usual weights & machines, plus a spa & sauna and personal trainer services. I also get a fitness assessment and have the opportunity to set goals, etc. My goal is to gain some muscle and lose some fat and end up around 216 by the end of the year. The more and more I read, the more and more I realize that building muscle and improving overall strength and conditioning is important for long term health. Like I've said before, being healthy is more important to me than a number on the scale. I know I will hit my weight loss goals, but I want to be healthy and full of vigor and vitality when I get there. I don't want to be 180 lbs and be sickly. No way.

I seem to be more flabby lately, it's weird, maybe I am noticing it more. As I continue to lose fat, it feels more and more like I am swimming in a sack of skin. Lovely visual, I know, but that's the best description I can give. I don't hate it or any thing, but it's kinda getting in the way. What trips me out the most if my back. I can see my shoulder blades, my ribs, my vertebrae. More and more of the "fat" Tia is disappearing, even my pear shape is diminishing slowly. Craziness. I wore a pair of jeans today that I bought in early July that I will be giving away, I shouldn't really wear them, they're too big now...in truth, so are the pair of khakis I fixin' to wear tomorrow! I'm gonna try to go out this weekend and pick a couple of things up. God help me.

It'll soon be time to start shopping for cold weather clothes. I think I've done good so far with my work clothes, I don't do dressy too much, mostly nice jeans, khakis with fitted shirts or a cute blouse with nice sandals/flats or loafers. I'm thinking I need to look at sweaters and stuff now and maybe more substantial loafers or nice boots. I don't know. I'm thinking of going back to Texas so my sister can help me, everything makes much more sense when she is around.

Double Fault

I'm happy to report that I did look quite cute Thursday night...but I ended not going to the thing. A good friend of mine who had planned to go, but who had to stay home that night because his wife was out of town and had to watch his daughter, had a small gathering of friends for a Lost Party. So we have large anxiety-filled social gathering where I may not know anyone on one hand or a small gathering at a good friend's house on the other hand...needless to say, I opted for the smaller gathering and I'm glad I did. It was so much fun and I felt so at ease and so normal. I didn't feel like the big blob in the room and I have a new wow to report. Y'know how normal people sit on the floor cross-legged and are able to perform this smooth, swift motion of standing stand up? I totally did that! It was awesome, I actually surprised myself AND when I got home, first thing I did was sit on the floor cross-legged and got up again just in case I was imagining it! I love my DS! Anywho, that was one of the best episodes of television I've ever seen, by the way. That dang show is gonna give me a complex...

Anyway, I had a great day yesterday. I've been mulling over redecorating my bedroom and bathroom and I had gotten a couple of things last weekend, but yesterday I went shopping again and got pretty much everything I needed except for paint and window curtains. Those two things I will probably need to let simmer in my brain a little and maybe spend a little time looking at design magazines. My walls are not white, but a neutral light, light tannish with more yellow tones than brown. I don't like them anymore, I want to keep them neutral -- well, at least most of them -- but I want warmer, browner tones. I am planning on painting an accent wall, I've always wanted a chocolate brown wall, but that not actually work with the color scheme. I'm going with warmer reds, golds, browns, tans, etc. I really like my choices so far and tomorrow I will start working on it. I would be doing that now, but I'm stuck at my computer processing reams of pricing updates for work. YAWN.

I also went grocery shopping and got plenty of good food to eat, I am all about the clean eating and I mean super clean, not even cheese or Dreamfield's pasta or low carb tortillas or bread. Nope, it's all out the door!

Today, I had my tennis lesson and it was so much FUN. The last lesson, I missed, they learned how to serve so I totally sucked at it, it's an almost unnatural motion and the ball tossing part is tricky. It'll take some time before I can toss the ball in the air consistently in the same trajectory. I worked up a good sweat too and even found myself running around and hitting some balls that I never thought I'd be fleet-footed enough to get. Awesomeness. This particular tennis clinic ends next week, then a phase II beginner's class starts for another 5 or so weeks. Our instructors said we are not really ready for the weekly drill sessions they have so I'll take their words for it, but hopefully near the end of phase II, I can pick up a weekly drill session and maybe by the fall I'll be able to join a team. Now that I know the people in my class a little more, the social aspect of it is emerging and making it that much more enjoyable. My dormant competitive nature is waking making me more compelled to sneak in an extra practice session here and there. I hate sucking and it feels so good to hit the ball right and not have it sail over the fence or nearly take someone's eye out two courts over. What?!? Me?....never...:)

Sick

Around 5 o'clock yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks and I ended up not going to Support Group meeting. I had the chills, was still pretty exhausted and felt crappy overall. Kim called me around 5:30 or so as the gang was planning to meet out for dinner before Support Group, but I just couldn't do it. I think I went to sleep around 6 PM and got up maybe once or twice for vitamins and/or broth, then I was out cold by 9 PM and I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM. I don't feel too horrible at the moment although I do have a sore throat and I'm trying really hard not to cough. My sinuses are pretty clear, although a little runny. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by Sunday afternoon I will be well enough for tennis.

I took my first dose of Dostinex last night. I wanted to wait til I got back from my trip just in case it caused any side effects that I didn't want to deal with away from home. I take one pill once a week at night on an empty stomach. Doing so allegedly helps mitigate potential negative side effects (nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, etc.) I have a slight headache, but I had one yesterday so go figure.

Today is supposed to be another beautiful day in Atlanta, I think the high will approach 77°. I'm going to try to get out and get some sun, maybe take a walk or something, get some fresh air. I still need to go get groceries...and go to the bank... I may also go ahead and try to get some tennis clothes while I am out. We'll see.

I don't have the slightest idea what I weigh, I haven't gotten on the scale since before I left and honestly, I don't care at the moment. I'll weigh tomorrow.

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

I have found the secret to DS success -- switch things up! From here on out, I am going to eat higher calories/protein for 7-10 days (2800+ calories, 240+ grams protein) then change to lower calories/protein for 7-10 days (2000 calories, 150 grams protein). This seems to be the way to go for me. The few days I've been eating more, hunger hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've finally started losing weight again....down to 256.2 lbs this morning with a grand total loss of 260.4 lbs! Slowly, but surely.

Support Group last night was pretty good, the speaker was boring, but it was fun to see all my DS and WLS homies, always a pleasure. A few of us will be running the Peachtree Road Race in July so that leaves us like 3.5 months to train. Speaking of, I check my bank account today and the PTRR committee has already cashed my check, translation -- I'M IN!!!! Woo-hoo!!! That race is going to kick my ass, but I am going to try my best. I've been slacking on the running lately, opting instead to focus on tennis which I enjoy 100 times more. Running sucks and it's hard, I'm happy that I can physically run, but it's not fun ... at all ... not even a little bit. Oh well, after July 4th, I'm probably done with running although I may do the same 10K in September that I did last year, just to improve on my abysmal results of coming in next to last! My big focus is joining my first tennis team sometime this summer and I have a LONG way to go before that...I haven't even learned how to serve yet!

Tonight is my company's anniversary dinner/party and I've decided to write a little speech. I know I bitch and moan about the business a lot, but besides the DS (and post-op life), it's by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm proud of my company and how far we've come. It's so easy to get lost in the minutiae and to see the forest for the trees and all that. We focus so much on making things better, focusing on and picking apart all the things we are doing right, we forget and often fail to acknowledge all the things we are doing great! My speech will focus on that.

Anywho, I'm going to run to Marshall's and/or Kohl's to try to find something to wear. God help me!

Hollow Leg

What I ate today:

M1: 2 eggs scrambled with 3 slices of American cheese on a Low Carb tortilla
M2: 2 Mesquite baked chicken legs
M3: 2 slices of cotto salami, 2 oz deli turkey, 1 slice of cheese on Double Fiber wheat bread w/ mustard
M4: 6-7 oz homemade chili
M5: Grilled cheese sandwich on DFW bread
M6: 1 Mesquite backed chicken leg

It's just almost 8 PM and I'm STILL hungry. I know this is the classic indicator of not consistently eating enough -- either that or I have a hollow leg ... Sigh...time to incorporate a shake or two in my routine. I know that's also a lot of cheese, but I am trying to finish up what I have so that it can be done and over with. I have a helluva time moderating my cheese intake, so it's either all or nothing and at this point, it should probably be nothing ESPECIALLY with the constipation I am having with taking so much calcium.

I went shopping at Ross today. I have quite a few social activities over the next 3 days and am way past tired of wearing the same few things over and over. I was mildly successful in that I found a nice blouse, but that's it. I tried on a 14/16 blouse and it fit (yea!) but was too short (bummer). At least I know I can get into 14/16's. Pretty awesome. I tried on two pairs of pants, one a size 18 (fit) and a size 20 (also fit). I just looked weird in them, I think it may be the cut of them, boot cuts that are snug in the thighs, but flare out past the knees. Maybe it's a mental thing, I don't know, but my hips are so much wider than I would like. It sucks. For now, pants-wise, I will stick with what I have until I can trim down some more in my hips. Thanks to Tiffany, I'm set for a good while. The back of my thighs look gnarly too.

I took a good, long hard look at myself in front of a well lit mirror today. Gosh, I look so different than where I started. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me when I least expect it to. I've sort of transitioned into being fairly comfortable in my own body although I do, at times, feel like I'm not as "small" as I am. I remember when I would compare myself to pre-op photos in order to see the big difference, now I could look at photos of myself 6-8 months ago and see a significant change. Craziness...

Today I did something that completely shocked the hell out of me...I jumped up and down on one leg! I inadvertently jammed my left foot in the corner of my kitchen cabinet hard enough that I actually jumped up and down a few hops. It stopped hurting for a few seconds while I realized what I just did. Pretty cool, huh?

Today is also BP's birthday, the big 5-0! Not too much going on tonight, but we're throwing a surprise party Saturday night. Tomorrow is support group meeting and Friday night is our company's 3-year anniversary so we're throwing a company party. Good times.

Good Things

I've decided to indulge in some of the things I really enjoy tomorrow for my birthday. This whole pituitary tumor thing is bumming me out therefore, I am going to make an effort to bring a little joy to my day, maybe it'll snap me out of this funk. So far I have the following:

1. Play tennis.
2. Go clothes shopping at a store other than Wal-mart/Target and pick up something nice.
3. Get my hair done.
4. Take some photographs of myself with my cute hair and cute clothes.
5. Watch Lost with some good friends.
6. Buy myself something I really want...at the moment it's 6 wooden poster-sized frames for the artwork I just purchased recently.

I think that's good. Odds are 50/50 that my mom will actually remember my birthday and call. Nothing to get upset about as I'm the youngest of 12 kids and when you tack on 25+ grandkids and 10 great grands, I'm just happy she remembers my name! LOL! I'm only half kidding, I can't tell you how many times she's called me one of my sister's names. My dad will call though, that's not even a question.

I'm writing Dr. Marchesini an update letter to let him know how I am doing and mostly just to ask him what he thinks my goal weight should be at this point in time. Initially, he said 250-ish and I am just about there. I would, however, like to lose at least another 50-70 more lbs. I'll see what he says.

I'm working on my testimonial for support group meeting tomorrow. I am bringing in three items of clothes, one, a pair of shorts I wore in Brazil (size 64 waist) and my favorite gray shirt (size 5/6X). I haven't worn either in over a year I don't think. The last item of clothing is a pair of size 10 pants that Beth gave me. They are my goal pants. One way or another, I am getting in them! When I look at my old clothes I am just flat out amazed, I can't believe I wore them, especially the shorts because I clearly remember them being tight enough that I didn't need a belt, in fact, the belt was too tight! It's just incredibly wild. I'm going to put them on tomorrow and take a few pics and send to Dr. M. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it.

I actually had a few phone calls from the doctor's office concerning my upcoming MRI. They asked me a bunch of questions like am I claustrophobic (no) and do I have any metal clips in my body (uhm...no), that kind of thing. My last phone call, they gave me my appointment date, February 29th at 8:30 AM. They are submitting my info for approval but didn't want to wait til they got it before scheduling me. Tomorrow, I just have to pick up the orders and wait til the 29th. Easy as pie. Mmmmm, pie.

Mmmmm....Fajitas!

I pooped only twice today. I think psychologically I am afraid to. Pain is minimal. So far, so good. Lunch was good. We went to Chili's and I had the Fajita Trio -- Garlic Lime Shrimp, Grilled Beef & Chicken. Yum! I ditched everything except for the meat, onions and a few peppers. I was able to eat about 1/2 at the restaurant and I am enjoying the other 1/2 now. The shrimp is especially good, makes me want to run to Kroger to buy some shrimp and put it into rotation. I make some mean garlic butter shrimp.

Biggest news is that after lunch, I went to T.J. Maxx to do some shopping! Woo-hoo! I only felt a slight bit of panic, but I think my annoyance at always being cold superseded my reluctance to shop. I stayed only about 1/2 an hour, but I picked up a winter jacket, a scarf and a photo album for like $30. I did see a bunch of jeans for like $8, but I wasn't ready for trying stuff on. I didn't find any shirts or anything like that, maybe later.

Sunday, turns out I am going to the Falcons game...I think. Woo-hoo!!! Get to hob-nob in a SkyBox (or whatever it's called) with some big wigs. One of the companies we do business with invited us. Awesome. Very excited. I am hoping that the Cowboys play the Falcons next year so that I can beg and plead to go to that game as well.

Where's my hour?!?

So I didn't do the Heart Walk this weekend, I'm glad I didn't. I needed the break and it was total bliss to be able to sleep in a little bit. My bed is so great. So warm and toasty. I have perfected the art of the warm and toasty bed. I am so proud of myself. The day started off well, slept in, had a good breakfast, got a little work out the way, but it didn't end so. My alma mater go their asses kicked big time...sigh. Well, that's an overstatement. They played a close game with a team that in the past they would have creamed. They lost in the last second. Football season is my favorite time of year and as my most favorite team is downright abyssmal, it has affected my zest for the game. Oh well, at least the Cowboys are doing well and made up for it last night! I had a lot of fun watching the game last night while on the phone with my mom. She's a crazy Cowboys fan, in fact, you'll have to blame my football fanaticism on her. I got my yelling at the TV from her.

I haven't stepped on the scale in almost a week (10/31) and I am not the least bit frantic about it. No, really. Seriously, stop laughing. Y'know, I have to say, there is a certain amount of peace in not weighing and NOT worrying about what I weigh. I think I can successfully move on to weighing once a week and be good. I am still eating my protein, but have let the carbs creep up a little bit. Today, I've got them under control. I bought 6 cans of that corn I mentioned earlier and have made my way through 5 of them. That's just me, I find something new that I like and I'm all about it. I won't be buying any more after this last can, man that stuff is good but boy let me tell you, it's like a freakin' natural laxative or something.

Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have such a hard time setting and meeting goals, especially with the DS, I've let the carb monster tempt and seduce me far too much and it's disappointing. I think it's fear based and my strong disinterest to do any kind of clothes shopping is part of that. Yes, I jest about not going shopping, but I really, REALLY, do not want to do it and it's so unlike me and it's bothering me that I don't just go and do it. In reality, I want to go, but it's sooooo overwhelming and seriously, how can there possibly be that many choices in the world? Why aren't sizes consistent? How in God's name am I supposed to know what pants go with what shirt? Why are there 30 million types of bras? In one regard, life was much simpler at 500+ lbs. I had like 7 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. There were only like 5 types of bras to choose from. No stress...no variety either, but certainly no stress. Something to work on, I know.

I've lost 26 lbs in the last two months, yet I feel like I am not making progress. Why is that?

My body hasn't adjusted to Daylight Saving Time just yet. I completely forgot until about mid morning yesterday when I looked at the clock on my computer and thought to myself, "damn, I've gotten a lot done in just under an hour ... wait ... I know I've been up for more than an hour!" and then it dawned on me. Duh! I wasn't able to fully take advantage of my extra hour of sleep time. Oh well.

I am in love! When I was at Kroger the other day, I happened upon Sierra Mist Free Cranberry Splash. Sweet Jesus, this stuff is delicious! At the moment, I can't imagine my life without it (see above reference to something new). It's fruity, refreshing and despite what the link says, reminds me of spring which is apropos because the weather will soon get miserable. I love this stuff, I highly recommend it. It's caffeine, calorie and sugar free! I will try not to drink this constantly, but I make no promises.

Barbados here I come!

So Thursday afternoon, I hop on a plane to Barbados. Woo-hoo! I'm fairly excited, but honestly can't wait to get back and get things rolling in my life again. I feel like I'm settling and need to not do that. Anyway, the plan is to relax (clear my head) and take as many pictures as I can. Luckily my best friend is of the same mind. I was afraid he'd want to do a lot of running around and such. He's bringing a couple of books he's been waiting to read and I will do the same, but I plan to do a bit of walking around and staring at the ocean.

I've had this crazy headache since yesterday afternoon after an argument with my business partner. I could bop her one! Anyway, enough of that crap. I took a couple of Tylenols and went to bed only to wake up several hours later with it still lingering around. Ugh. It's one of those throbbing ones where you can hear your heart beat in your head. Speaking of, mine is bordering on around 40 beats per minutes. Craziness.

I have been eating fairly light for the past several weeks, around 90-120g of protein. What has been missing from my diet is protein drinks. I think I need to return them to my diet. My weight loss is a little sluggish now and I feel a little sluggish. After spending most of my life significantly anemic, it's hard for me to notice gradual changes in my energy levels. Today I certainly feel it, but maybe it's all in my head. There's just a lot of things going on in my life right now. When I visited my parents, it was great because I had the opportunity to have real conversations with them and gauge how they are getting along. I guess it's increasingly stressful to see them aging and not getting along as well as they did. I guess it's really hitting me that they are not going to be around forever and I really do have to make sure I make the most of the time we have with them. I think I mentioned this before, but some of my other siblings are just caught up in old shit, they still like to blame our parents for the crap in their lives. When I was younger, I was just like them, but I just made a choice that I wasn't going to ruin my life with regrets and I certainly wasn't going to ruin the relationship I have with my parents now with bullshit. The one thing I do NOT want is to feel guilty when they are no longer with us. That ain't gonna be me and I know that is exactly going to be the case with some of my siblings. I am going to try my best to do right by them. It's just hard. Anyway, my dad is probably coming to town in a month or so to visit with his side of the family here in Georgia so that will be good. In all honesty, it'll probably be his last trip out here as it's difficult for him to travel from so far away. When he does come, I'm gonna make sure he has a good old time.

Anyway, I have no idea what to wear to a garden wedding in Barbados...I have a few sun dresses, a couple that are very colorful. Ugh. Any ideas? Could I wear a light colored skirt and a blouse?

When I get back I have to go shopping in the next several weeks. I have very little in the way of fall/winter clothes.

Weight this morning is 288.8lbs. Ugh.

Again with the shopping...

My mom and I were supposed to go shopping while I was home, but I panicked and was able to get out of it. I did, however, come home with a few things from my mom. A nice cream colored long-sleeve tunic and this frou-frou kind of skirt. That was it, I was actually surprised my mom didn't make a bigger deal out of the whole thing. I told y'all about my habit of wearing men's jeans, yes? Well, the first pair from Walmart that I bought were a size 50 waist. Those lasted a couple of weeks, I then bought two pairs of 48's and a pair of 46's. This was mid-August. Those 46's are now too big but I guess I will hang onto them for the fall/winter. Layers, I'm thinking about layers. I may do away with men's clothes all together and find some women's jeans that fit. There has got to be some out there that don't cost a freakin' fortune.

I didn't take nearly as many photos as I had wanted, but I did take a couple of interesting ones. One specifically is of my sister, S and me standing next to each other. In the photo, we are nearly the same size and I am about an inch or so taller. A little over a year ago, we were in a picture of the two of us, again standing next to each other, however in this picture, I look a good 4-6 inches taller than the picture we took a couple of days ago. How does that happen? So weird. It's feeding into my budding paranoia that I'm shrinking. Mildly disconcerting.

I don't know about you, and maybe some of y'all who have been morbidly obese most of your lives can relate, but I have THE hardest time trying to figure out how much a person weighs. I am a very poor judge of weight, my experience is so skewed that I usually don't even come close. I was looking at my mom who is probably 5'6" and weighs around 185 lbs, but you'd never believe it -- or maybe that's just me, but she's a mere 10 lbs or so below where I want to be and now I am seriously rethinking my thought process about what my goal weight might be. Ain't no way I'm gonna look good at that weight! That really blew my mind. 199.8 for me might be cool, but it may not be smart...Actually, as time goes on, 250 seems like a more reasonable goal...but I'll be aggressive and shoot for somewhere around 225...it would be cool to hit 216.6 for an even 300 lbs loss though. We'll see.

A couple things about my trip that I wanted to mention now that I have had some time to think about it. One of the first things I did when I got to my parent's was to go out and buy a case of water bottle and 2 four-packs of ready-to-drink protein drinks. I probably went through 4-5 16oz bottles a day. I think this was one of my problems last time, I wasn't getting my water in. With the protein drinks, I think I only drank four total, but since I was eating a lot of protein anyway, it wasn't a big huge priority to get those in, but if I noticed that I went a 3-4 hours without eating enough protein, I made sure I chugged down a protein shake, luckily that didn't happen too often. I think I did much better at things this time around, but still, there is some improvement that needs to be made. In about a week and a half, I have my Barbados trip and that will definitely be a challenge being in an unfamiliar setting without all the comforts of home. Eek!

Good to Go.

I officially registered for the The U.S. 10K Classic. I'm doing it. I don't care if I'm the last person and I have to crawl on my hands and knees dragging my near dead carcass the last few yards, I'm crossing the dang finish line, I will then get up and dance the jig. I promise you, mark my words, I will do a little dance when I finish. It's four weeks away and my goal is only to finish. Yesterday, although I did jog, it took me 43 minutes which was 5 minutes slower than when I just walked the two miles. For one, I was much more tired during mile 2 and was walking slower than normal. I was pooped, but I did finish the 2 miles with a jog to the finish. I plan on getting out there 5 times a week, we'll see how that goes.

The aches and pains are starting to reveal themselves. The outside of my right ankle kinda hurt this morning, but it's fine now, back and quad muscles ache. My knees feel good, I thought for awhile that they might not, but so far no problems. I know I will need to stretch before the next time I jog. I went and bought myself a couple of sports bras today. I've never bought one before and honestly, I thought there wasn't going to be much of a variety, but good grief, there had to be 40 or 50 kinds! In fact, there were hundreds of different bras. I'm not used to this. I used to buy my bras at Catherines and there were like, what, 20 varieties?!? A little overwhelming. Variety is overwhelming. Anyway, totally bought the wrong size so I have to take them back. Sigh. There's reasons why I don't like to shop.

I visited with Ann (and Sarah) Friday at the hospital and I hear she is at the hotel. I will swing by sometime in the next day or so before she and her sister head back home. Ann is great an I am so happy for her. She's understandably has moments of "what the heck did I just do to myself" and boy I had plenty of those. The first several weeks are long as you start adjusting to your new innards and it can be rough, but I know both Ann and Sarah will do just fine.

Reality check

So I went to Catherine's today to return a pair of pants I bought two months ago and pick up another pair as I had to retire the pair I bought (but never wore) in February. If I didn't I'd only have one pair of good pants. Anyway, I tried on like 5-6 pairs of pants today and ended up getting two 3X's. Can you believe that? I can't. Friggin' 3X. Unbelievable. I am now convinced that everything at Catherine's runs about 3 sizes too big. I started browsing the clearance racks and noticed my favorite pink striped shirt in a 2X. I had to buy it. It was like $12 and I figured that I could wear it in like a couple of months. This was my actual train of thought...so I took it with me to the dressing room and tried it on. Fits perfect!!! Absolutely perfect! It's a god-dang 22/24! WTF?!? So I have the same shirt in a 34/36 (which I wore yesterday!) and a 22/24...How crazy is that?!?

Kim, I'm ready to come over and raid your closet. :)

Alrighty Then

I went shopping y'all! All by myself, too! The goal was to get past the fear on my own. I left the house round 2:00 and knew I would need to get a couple of hours of clothes shopping under my belt as well as pickup a couple new Moleskines from Barnes & Noble and a video capture thingy for my computer at Best Buy. Anyway, I picked up the Moleskines first and headed over to Catherines. I immediately gravitated for a couple of jeans/pants racks. Right now jeans and pants are my biggest need. As I've lost weight, they've looked the worst on me. I tried on 4 or 5 pairs and settled on two, a pair of dark jeans and some all purpose khakis. Then I started on blouses, I tried maybe 10 or so and settled on 3. There wasn't that great of a selection, in fact it seems their website has more to offer. I went through the whole store and I may be back. Whew. Time flew by, but I feel like I accomplished a lot. I think I might need another pair of pants or two and a few more shirts, some undies, a bra or three and a couple pairs of shoes and then I will be done! I feel proud of myself so far. I did drop about 3-4 sizes, but I couldn't get past the need to get clothes that were a tad bit roomy as I felt way more comforable with a little wiggle room. I'm gonna give myself a break and try again sometime mid week.

My weight this morning is 396.4 lbs. Making progress, for sure! I still feel like I'm retaining water and stuff so hopefully in the next few days, things will resolve themselves! Woo-hoo!