Hmmmmmm.....

So it's been about two weeks since I've been eating really well and getting more exercise and strangely enough, I've been hovering very, very close to 249 lbs the entire time, at best I've been fluctuating between the same roughly pound and a half. Now, I've been averaging 130-150g of protein throughout this whole time, drinking my water and exercising at least 1/2 an hour a day. I'm retaining a good bit of water as I can always tell when I do and I can especially feel it in my extremities. Now the question is, what to do now...

I wanted to lose 25 lbs this month, but not sure that is going to happen if I stay the current course. I know what the problem is and I know how to fix it, but I am kinda tempted to keep my protein as is to see if things resolve themselves... or ... I can say screw it, up my protein and just do what I gotta do til the end of the year to get the weight off and just make sure I get in more than enough water (which ain't easy).... I'm more interested in being done than being "right" so, up my protein it is. I will start today and by mid-week next week I should know where I stand.

I had an unanticipated late night last night, I had to be up at midnight because the network folks were going to test the data center's UPS. So if a catastrophe happened and everything went down, I had to be around to get the frantic phone call so that I could panic and try to get things back up and/or start calling all kinds of other folks to help things get back up and running. Luckily, nothing happened and I was knocked out by 1:15 AM. Fun stuff.

This weekend I'm gonna finalize my exercise plans, probably a mix of tennis lessons and the gym, but I'm still torn about whether to use the gym at work or one closer to home. I'm fixin' to head out to a couple of different places in my neighborhood, including the Y and then make my decision. The gym at work is the most convenient, but I'd have to go after work which means I'd have to take the transit home kinda stinky...I have a phobia about using gym showers, totally icks me out...

One of the most frequent comments/questions I hear when people see that I’ve lost a lot of weight is along the lines of “You must feel so much better” or “don’t you feel so much better”. Typically, I respond with a mildly enthusiastic “hell, yeah” with just a hint of “duh”. I usually don’t think too much about it later, but today one lady said this comment to me in a tone that just totally rubbed me the wrong way, almost like I unwittingly validated her personal deep-seeded disgust of overweight people, almost like I gave her future ammunition to say “I told you so” to somebody. Ugh…kinda made me want to her the evil eye or something….

Anyway, work is getting crazy, but in a good way. I’m working on a sports related site that has a lot going on in the next several weeks. The parallel that I would draw here is if I was working for NBC and it was a month before the Olympics and I was one of the web developers for the Olympics website. It’s kinda like that, it’s a high profile website, with a very wide reach and the entire team is working hard to get everything ready for our biggest time of the season. Good stuff. We had a meeting today with about 10 people from different departments and we were all trying to problem solve a few issues and it was just so awesome to be in that kind of environment with a lot of smart, capable, normal people brainstorming trying to come up with a good plan of action. I totally dug it. I really missed that kind of thing working at my company. Just another confirmation that I did the right thing in leaving. This week is going to be busy though as I have several streaming video projects that I have to knock out in the next 6 days. It’s also such a confidence booster that I am entrusted to come up with a viable solution and get it implemented. I don’t want to let the team down and want to come up with an innovative solution so this will definitely be consuming a lot of my intellectual energy. I love it.

Last week I sent off for a few brochures for Executive Certificate programs at MIT, Emory, Harvard, Notre Dame and Cornell. I’m thinking about pursuing one maybe next fall. With the extra money I am making now, I should be able to have saved enough money to pay for a good chunk of the cost for one of these programs. For the longest time I swore off more school, but I don’t want to be a developer forever, I do like getting my hands dirty, but I like to think of myself as more of a creative/idea type of person so I’d like to try to find a program so that eventually I can either join a company or start my own where I can find a role that suits all my strengths. I’m just looking for now, but I need to start thinking longer term.

Have y’all been watching the Olympics? Good grief, I love this stuff and it’s not that I am just rooting for the Americans, there are so many compelling stories all the way around. Like the South Korean swimmer who redeemed himself after he got disqualified as a 14 year old four years ago. Or the Chinese male gymnast who spoke so passionately about bearing the burden of an entire country on his shoulders after the men’s team stumbled at the last Olympics. Or the three American women who swept all three medals in fencing. Or Dara Torres who is one of the fastest swimmers at the age of 41 – she is kicking butt, by the way. Or Michael Phelps who’s trying for 8 gold medals – did you see the 4 x 100 medley race from earlier today? There are so many folks to cheer for from all over, it’s so exciting!

For some strange reason I weighed in at 249.2 lbs this morning. Actually, I do know why, the big C (been pooping all day though...TMI, yes, I know). Sigh. Enough already! I went back over my last labs more thoroughly today and I think I will keep my protein in the 120-150g range during the week and maybe let it creep up over the weekend, this should take some of the pressure off my kidneys, but prevent the edema that I’m prone to. I’d rather retain the water now than have to have a freakin’ kidney transplant 30 years from now. Hells no! I don’t want any kidney damage. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Anyway, food was good, water was good, fixin’ to hop on my stationary bike while I watch some Olympics coverage. I swear, it’s like crack…

Day 3 - No poop

Not a good way to start off the day. I will be patient because I know a big ol'whoosh is bound to come any day now, hopefully sooner than later. Since I've been über diligent with my iron and calcium, constipation is my companion. Boo-hiss. I'm gonna take my stool softeners on a regular basis 'cause as much as I hate constipation, I hate hemorrhoids more.

Weight this morning, 251. Ironically, a few minutes ago I hopped on the scale and weighed 250.8. That never happens!

The day went pretty awesome, except that I forgot to eat the 2nd chicken leg I brought to lunch with me:

M1: Protein shake
M2: Chili
M3: Chicken leg, slice of corned beef, 3 slices of hard salami
M4: Sunflower seeds
M5: Fajitas! sans tortillas. Yum! Shrimp, beef, pulled pork AND beef. I ate nearly all the meat except for some of the chicken. I had a 3-4 corn chips with salsa, two bites of rice and about a tablespoon of cheese (sorry, couldn't help it).
M6: Protein shake

I'm fixin' to hop on my bike in a few minutes and get to peddlin' for at least 1/2 an hour. I just got back from the bookstore where I picked up a few books for my daily commute to work as well as a couple of moleskines...they have soft-cover ones now....so pretty!

Alrighty then!

Progress...

The past few days I have been working from our main business office training our new employee. I'm glad to have someone to dump a lot of the production support work off of, but training can be a pain in the butt. Anyway, I made sure I packed enough food each day to make sure I had enough protein and ended up drinking more protein shakes than I would normally like. I'm almost through the 5 lb container I purchased less than 2 weeks ago and am going to order a couple more, but am going to get different flavors, kind of tired of banana. Luckily, I am home today so I can eat normally.

Got on the scale this morning and was surprised to see 244.6 lbs, that's another pound down, for a total loss of 272.0 lbs. So I guess the weight-loss is sticking. I'm amazed. Just 28 more lbs to go til I reach my final goal of 216.6 lbs. So, I'm at 102.0% EWL for Dr. Marchesini's goal and 90.7% EWL for my personal goal. Not too shabby. I know someone who had surgery close to the same time I did who weighed over 100 lbs less than me and I currently weigh less than they do. Normally, I try not to compare weight loss track records with anyone but this person was somewhat of an annoying know it all, so I can't help but feel a tiny bit of joy that I was able to catch up. On a related note, I'm only around 20-25 lbs heavier than my sister, S. Wow!

Ok, I'm hungry now, time to go eat!

Maybe he was right....

Y'know....now that I've lost around 18 freakin' pounds of water weight (252 lbs this AM) in like a week and a half, I took a good hard look at myself this morning. Maybe I am playing mental games with myself again, but sometimes I get a good look at myself and don't think I need to lose that much more weight. I looked at myself this morning right out of the shower and I've noticed two things, one, I do not have a lot of muscle tone and (2) I have a helluva lot of excess skin. I mean, A LOT, more than I realized. I wish I could weigh my excess skin to know how much it is so that I'd know if I needed to lose more weight or not. My legs are the biggest problem. Today I stood in one leg of some pre-surgery shorts and could easy walk around the house like I was wearing a skirt. Not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, I could still get in the one pant leg, but it was a little difficult walking because it was snug. I had some serious thunder thighs, if I were a braver person, I'd show you a picture of them, but I ain't so you'll have to just imagine the horror. Today, they are horrible for a totally different reason. When I stand and put my leg on a stool, there is a like a curtain of skin and fat hanging down, it looks like you could just lop it all off and it'd weight 25 lbs or something. Because there is still a good bit of fat on both my legs and some on my whole body, it compels me to want to lose more weight. My weight loss window allegedly close a couple of months ago, but we'll see about that. Maybe Dr. Marchesini was right, maybe 250 lbs is right for me given that I have sooooo much excess skin. I dunno, it's so confusing. I'm sticking to my relatively new plan of just hitting the 300 lbs loss mark at 216.6 lbs, roughly 35 lbs away. I think that will put me in size 16 jeans, I doubt I'll change too much on top unless my boobs get flatter. I know I will see 199, but it will probably have to wait til post plastics. My goal is to reach 216.6 by the end of the year, truthfully, I'd like to see it by mid-Autumn, if not earlier, depending on how this month goes. Truthfully at this point, I just want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's! Enough already! In fact, I want to be out of the !@#$-ing 250's and blow right past the 240's into the 230's. The 250's seem way too close to 300 for my liking. 239 would make me so happy! In due time, Tia, in due time.

So tonight should be interesting, just got off the phone with my business partner and she sounds like she's on the brink of having a meltdown. Sigh. Luckily it has nothing to do with me so I'm in the clear on that regard. Whew. BUT I know I'll have to do some soothing. Ugh. I wish she wouldn't look at everything as a freakin' personal affront. Good gried, y'know, sometimes people just disagree with you because they just think differently, not because they hate you... ***rolling eyes ****

After I ranted about not really wanting to run the 10K on the 4th, I got my cool race packet. Kinda makes me want to run it, but only a little bit. I'm thinking I just might turn it in which reserves me a spot next year. I'm just not in the mood or shape to run this year and frankly, I'd rather play tennis as we all know it's my latest obsession. I just got a kick-ass deal on 100+ used, but in great condition, tennis balls and a wire ball hopper. This way I can more easily practice on my own without having to chase balls every 2 minutes. Right now, I have around 18 tennis balls which means I can only practice 18 serves in a row or 18 forehands because then I have to walk to the other side of the court, collect the 18 balls and do it again. Now, all that changes. The best part is that it only cost me $40! I got a great deal, makes me happy!

Well, time to go drink a protein shake, watch a little TV and wait for BP to call...good times.

Oh, the pain!

This morning I woke up with a side stitch, like the kind of thing you get after running, that sharp pain in your side that makes you almost double over and prevents you from taking a deep breath. Sucks. This is the second time it's happened in a month. The cure is to press hard on the area with both hands and expand your abdomen out as much as possible. It takes a few minutes, but it works.

I was scanning through OH earlier and something caught my eye, a lady was talking about how she always weighs less later in the day than in the morning. This concept fascinates me. I don't think I have ever weighed less later in the day than what I weighed at my final weigh-in in the morning. NEVER. Now, I have weighed a pounds or so less after rigorous exercise, but not less than what I weighed when I got up. With all the water & food consumed, I don't see how it's possible....Oh well.

Weight continues to fall, down to 255.8 lbs, down 1.8 lbs from yesterday. Good stuff. Hoping to blow past where I was (251.2) and head right down into the 240's and 230's. Been averaging 250+ grams of protein, 60g carbs and almost 3000 calories a day....crazy, but it's working!

Random thought: I need to eat more vegetables. I hardly eat any. I don't think pickles count...

What?!?

94° Blazing hot again, but honestly, it feels good to be hot instead of constantly cold. I went out at lunch and practiced my serve. Gosh, it is hard. I totally suck at it, it's such an unnatural motion for me. Oh well, just gotta keep practicing. I got drenched in sweat again, feels good.

On a related note, I called the Tennis Club where I take my lessons and asked them about memberships. This particular place is a little unique because the Tennis Club membership is an add-on to the Social/Fitness Club/Pool membership. Anyway, I almost fell out my chair when the lady told me how much it was... $3500 initiation fee + $110 per month. WTF?!? That's craziness! Ain't no way I'm paying that much money for no tennis. If I didn't have to pay the $3500, I might consider it because they do have an awesome Fitness Center and it's less than 5 minutes from my house, but c'mon! The $110 includes USTA & ALTA team fees, but does not include ball machine rentals which I really want to use 2-4 times a week! Uh, no. My other option is good old Public Parks Tennis Center. It costs $325 per year, no initiation fee, it also includes USTA & ALTA team fees and FREE use of the ball machine! The facilities aren't as posh and there aren't as many tennis courts, but I don't think it's a big deal. Guess which one I'm probably going with?

Anyway, it seems the added exercise and heat are having an effect on my weight, it's down to around 260 or so, that's almost 10 lbs in under a week. I wish it were moving faster, but am happy it's moving at all! I'm hoping by the end of the month, I will be at a new all-time low. I'm also keeping an eye on my carbs, I haven't broken free of cheese or low-carb tortillas since the carb cravings are so high, as soon as I can maintain steady blood sugar and the carb monster is calmed, I will phase them out.

Voila!

So I've gone back to my old design, I kinda missed it and I think it better fits my weather and mood. Anyway, I've started like 15 posts over the last week, but haven't actually posted anything. Seems like there is always something popping up to distract me and I'm easily distract-able. I had a doctor's appointment Monday to get labs done, it's been awhile and I'm still trying to figure out why I tend to retain so much water. Monday morning, I weighed in at 270 or so, today it's down to 263. It's frustrating because the day I got back from Texas I weighed in at 253 and that was at night and I'm always 5-6 lbs heavier during the day than when I weigh post-poop in the AM. I have no idea what my true weight is, I'm guessing somewhere in the mid 240's because I first weighed 250-ish way back in early April.

If I weren't retaining so much water right now, I'd probably be 95% happy with my weight loss to be totally honest. Losing 265+ lbs is no small feat, so I feel like a success in that regard, but with water weight and feeling it in my legs and abdomen, it makes me feel fat, which is something I do not want to feel. I know it's a protein problem and it's a difficult one to manage. Subconsciously I haven't accepted the fact that I do need to drink 2-3 protein shakes a day, I just can't get by on food alone. Sucks, but I just have to accept it, which is a difficult, I can be hard-headed at times. The goal is still sub-200 lbs. I've become a bit comfortable lately and have lost a bit of the fire I had, that happens when you're close to 2 years out. I know my DS still works, my poop tells me so, so it's just a matter of getting the fire back again and making better decisions. I have this little placard on the wall in my office that reads "CHOOSE BETTER - 199.0". I've been ignoring it lately, but need to drill it in my brain. I'm drinking my three 50+ gram shakes a day and eating three small meals averaging around 250+ grams of protein a day. I'm also making my way through a gallon of water and trying to keep my carbs below 50.

At my Dr.'s appointment, she agreed with me and reduced my BP meds and I feel so much better. No more lightheadedness when I stand up. When they checked it was 100/60 which is around what I had gotten when I checked myself a couple weeks ago, the lowest was 92/54. I'm hoping to be off the meds completely at some point this year. It's the one thing that I'm a little bit disappointed in because I hear about so many people getting of their blood pressure medication soon after surgery, for me, such was not the case, but I know it'll happen in due time.

I have two pairs of size 16 Medium pants that I acquired from a clothes exchange after one of my support group meetings. I can barely get them on but can not zip nor button them. What a freakin' trip. It just boggles the mind that I will soon be wearing a size 16! Craziness. It doesn't even seem real. The crazy part is that my thunder thighs actually fit in the pants, they were tight, but they fit. I wonder how they'll fit after I get rid of the water weight, hopefully by the end of the month.

Today, I have the last lesson of my tennis clinic, but do not fear, the second clinic, I believe, starts immediately afterwards. It's supposed to be 96° today. I'm loving it since I'm usually freezing.

Jules asked about a typical food day for me before surgery and I'm assuming a typical day before I ever thought about surgery and here it goes. I was a big eater and I loved to eat. Okay, typical day...one of my favorite things for breakfast were bacon, egg and cheese burritos. I would fry up 4 slices of thick sliced bacon and put it aside, then I would scramble 3 eggs in the bacon grease and put that aside, I would then heat up two large flour tortillas in any residual bacon grease or additional butter and then assemble two burritos each with 2 slices of bacon, 1/2 of the scrambled eggs and 2 slices of cheese. For lunch, I might have a super-sized fast food meal, like a double quarter pounder with cheese - super-sized or some similar variation. For dinner, I loved pasta and rice and lots of it so it was usually some variation of that. Sometimes, I would just repeat breakfast. Of course there were snacks, I may have a candy bar or two throughout the day, chips, cookies from the vending machine, etc. I have long given up soft drinks with sugar so that wasn't something I gained weight on.

What really did me in was what I would do on the weekends. Weekends for me were times where I spend them on the coach in a carb-induced coma. After work on Fridays, I would go to the grocery store and buy a varying array of crap, a couple of dozen Krispy Kremes, a pie, two 1/2 gallon of ice cream or something like that. I would then spend Friday night to Sunday night on my couch watching TV, this was especially the case during lonelier times. I can still remember, quite vividly, what the carb-fog felt like, almost like semi-consciousness, being awake, but not. I definitely know why I got fat, not a mystery at all. The problem was exacerbated by my chronic anemia which I was not vigilant about keeping in check. I frankly did not have the energy to do anything besides what I needed to do. Those two things were near deadly for me, but still in the first 7 years I had been in Atlanta, I gained maybe 50-60 lbs to around 450 or so. It wasn't until I started by business that the weight piled on big time. When I started at a startup company, with two years, I gained to like 485, but by the time I started my own company I had gotten down to maybe 440 or so and that was in March 2005, by the time I had my DS in Aug 2006, I had gained almost 80 lbs from spending almost every waking hour at my computer grazing and snacking all day long. Horrible. That got me to over 500+ lbs. The scary thing is that without my DS, I'm afraid to even think what kind of condition I would be in. God only knows. I never thought I was near death when I weighed 500 lbs, but I saw myself as being on the brink of being homebound, unable to do for myself. I could easily be a 600+ lb diabetic by now, instead I'm sitting here in a size large t-shirt and a pair of size 18 shorts anxiously awaiting the time for me to run out the door for my tennis lesson!

I'm so, so very grateful I was able to have my surgery. I know I am an extremely atypical weight loss surgery patient. Not too many of us get that big, in fact I'm currently just 10-20 lbs below where most people seem to start off! I just went another giant pile of clothes yesterday to take to Goodwill and was reminded of just how big I was, I won't sit here and say I had forgotten how big, but it's becoming less and less familiar to me. It's only when I am confronted with remnants of my old self (pictures, clothes, etc.) that I am reminded just how far I've come. Just 60-70 more lbs and I'll be done!

On the supplements front, I'd recently ordered some Upcal-D. I love this stuff and it's much less expensive than going through 4-5 bottles of the Twinlab chewables a month. I drop a scoop in my protein shakes and or sugar-free drink and I'm good to go! The only problem is that it seems to not have the amount of elemental calcium it is purported to have. Sucks! I can go back to the Chewables, but maybe I'll just rotate the two.

Anyway, enough rambling for now for me, once I get started, it's hard to stop...especially when I haven't posted in awhile.

Hot!

Went to my tennis lesson today. We learned backhand volley's and backhand strokes. It was way fun! I feel like I am learning much faster than with my other instructor. The people in my class are cool as well. It was only around 75° outside, but it felt like it's 90° We played on clay courts so maybe that has something to do with it. We also did quite a bit of running around. We have next Sunday off BUT we will have a two hour session the following Sunday, kinda worried about that, but I'm sure we'll have a water break or two. Good stuff! Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tennis? I don't feel like I'm exercising when I play, granted, I'm in the learning stages so it's lots of instruction and drills, but I'm never constantly checking the time to find out if it's time to quit, every little thing I learn about or improve upon just makes me want to do it more and I'm fairly confident that someday I can get decent at it. When I run, my mind is always on something else, when I play tennis, it's only on playing tennis. As soon as my beginner clinic is over, I am moving to the 2nd level and will supplement that class with a weekly drill class.

Went out last night and got home relatively early, around 2 AM. It was okay, not what I expected, but it was good to go out. Weight this morning continues to drop, weighed in at 260.6, that's down over 10 lbs in 3 days....gotta love water weight! I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working. I do feel better as well. It's still 10+ lbs from my lowest, but it took me over 3 weeks to get into this predicament, so it'll take some time to get back to normal.

BP is not too pleased with me. She's not mad, but I can tell something is bothering her, she's been playing a few passive aggressive games, been flippant, etc. I only 1/2 care. I think the problem is that when I was 500+ lbs, she could always count on me having no life, not leaving my house and spending my free time at the computer doing work or lending a sympathetic ear to all her issues. Not so much now. I hardly work on the weekends anymore and frankly our business is at the point where the long, tedious days are behind us. I'm not sure what her deal is, like I mentioned before I do think she is having some issues with her own weight gain and I do feel some sympathy because God knows I know how difficult life can be when you feel you are too heavy, I suspect deep down she doesn't like the fact that I am more active, that I do have some semblance of a social life. I don't exactly have the social life I ultimately want, but it is greatly improved and I'm not going to be or feel "stuck" anymore. It seems like I wasn't the only one comfortable with my past life. Not that I think I'm the center of the universe or anything, but it's always interesting for me to see how my weight loss affects other people.

Out and about.

Got a busy day today. We have a staff meeting today which will kill a few hours and then I have to play tech support and upgrade software on several company computers and troubleshoot a laptop that has Vista on it. My gut reaction is to say "I hate Vista" but I don't use Vista, I'm sticking with the nightmare I'm already familiar with - XP. I have to go to the bank and I want to sneak in some tennis today, but I'm not sure I can before it gets dark.

The protein bar that almost killed me yesterday was ISS OhYeah! Protein Wafer described as "A Scrumptious Creme Filled Wafer Loaded with Protein". Uhm, no, tastes like shit.

Weighed in at 266 lbs this morning, down 5 lbs from yesterday after a day where I consumed (mostly through shakes/drinks) almost 300 grams of protein. That number is a little suspect because I'm not sure of the quality of the two shakes I drank in the morning. Do protein mixes degrade over time? Still a good 15 lbs over where I was, but making progress. The body is an amazing thing, ain't it? I just have to be more careful when it comes to protein, I should not have gone weeks and weeks without getting in adequate protein, part of the reason is the traveling and subsequent sickness, but if nothing else, I need to consistently track my food in Fitday, well at least track my protein. I never have low protein days when I track my food.

Ok, then, time to get moving. Already had an Isopure this morning and will make breakfast in a few minutes. My meeting is at noon, so I will grab a couple of Isopure's as I walk out the door, one for during the meeting and one for a few hours later. It seems like a lot but I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Gag

Here's a tip...when you see protein bars in the bargain bin for 59¢, know that they are there for a reason. Do not ever think they might taste okay, because they DO NOT. Blech! So, it's freakin' beautiful here in Atlanta so I went out and ran and then hit some tennis balls on the hand ball courts for 1/2 an hour. Afterwards, I feeling a little lightheaded so I ventured off to the nearby GNC because I had to pick up some probiotics and wanted to pick up some Isopure Zero Carb RTD's because I gotta push the protein pretty hard the next couple of days. Anyway, right by the counter in a cute little basket are these protein bars for 59¢ so I figure, what the hell, I buy a couple and scarf one down so I won't pass out. Big mistake. Let me ask you a question, your mouth isn't supposed to TINGLE and feel NUMB when you eat a protein bar, is it? Christ Almighty, never again!

TMI-time. I spent a good portion of my night last night pooping foamy poop. Good times. And of course when I get on the scale this morning it reads, 271.0 lbs. WTF?!? I ain't panicking just yet, I want to get in 4-5 days of high protein, low carbs before I start freakin' out. I have to say though, the nice weather works wonders for my mood and overall mental health! During the day, I am no longer freezing! Woo-hoo!

Month 20

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

Sick

Around 5 o'clock yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks and I ended up not going to Support Group meeting. I had the chills, was still pretty exhausted and felt crappy overall. Kim called me around 5:30 or so as the gang was planning to meet out for dinner before Support Group, but I just couldn't do it. I think I went to sleep around 6 PM and got up maybe once or twice for vitamins and/or broth, then I was out cold by 9 PM and I woke up this morning around 7:30 AM. I don't feel too horrible at the moment although I do have a sore throat and I'm trying really hard not to cough. My sinuses are pretty clear, although a little runny. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by Sunday afternoon I will be well enough for tennis.

I took my first dose of Dostinex last night. I wanted to wait til I got back from my trip just in case it caused any side effects that I didn't want to deal with away from home. I take one pill once a week at night on an empty stomach. Doing so allegedly helps mitigate potential negative side effects (nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, etc.) I have a slight headache, but I had one yesterday so go figure.

Today is supposed to be another beautiful day in Atlanta, I think the high will approach 77°. I'm going to try to get out and get some sun, maybe take a walk or something, get some fresh air. I still need to go get groceries...and go to the bank... I may also go ahead and try to get some tennis clothes while I am out. We'll see.

I don't have the slightest idea what I weigh, I haven't gotten on the scale since before I left and honestly, I don't care at the moment. I'll weigh tomorrow.

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

I have found the secret to DS success -- switch things up! From here on out, I am going to eat higher calories/protein for 7-10 days (2800+ calories, 240+ grams protein) then change to lower calories/protein for 7-10 days (2000 calories, 150 grams protein). This seems to be the way to go for me. The few days I've been eating more, hunger hit me like a ton of bricks, and I've finally started losing weight again....down to 256.2 lbs this morning with a grand total loss of 260.4 lbs! Slowly, but surely.

Support Group last night was pretty good, the speaker was boring, but it was fun to see all my DS and WLS homies, always a pleasure. A few of us will be running the Peachtree Road Race in July so that leaves us like 3.5 months to train. Speaking of, I check my bank account today and the PTRR committee has already cashed my check, translation -- I'M IN!!!! Woo-hoo!!! That race is going to kick my ass, but I am going to try my best. I've been slacking on the running lately, opting instead to focus on tennis which I enjoy 100 times more. Running sucks and it's hard, I'm happy that I can physically run, but it's not fun ... at all ... not even a little bit. Oh well, after July 4th, I'm probably done with running although I may do the same 10K in September that I did last year, just to improve on my abysmal results of coming in next to last! My big focus is joining my first tennis team sometime this summer and I have a LONG way to go before that...I haven't even learned how to serve yet!

Tonight is my company's anniversary dinner/party and I've decided to write a little speech. I know I bitch and moan about the business a lot, but besides the DS (and post-op life), it's by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I'm proud of my company and how far we've come. It's so easy to get lost in the minutiae and to see the forest for the trees and all that. We focus so much on making things better, focusing on and picking apart all the things we are doing right, we forget and often fail to acknowledge all the things we are doing great! My speech will focus on that.

Anywho, I'm going to run to Marshall's and/or Kohl's to try to find something to wear. God help me!

73°

Yeah, that means I am out of here in about 1/2 an hour to go enjoy the sun! Thank you GOD, finally some semi-consistently warm weather. Yea! I am so over being cold. I swear, it's been like 6 months of freezing my ass off. Ugh. Only problem, of course, is that I have NO true warm weather clothes. Not an immediate problem, but it definitely will be in a few weeks. Oh well.

Weight-wise, I am holding steady at 257.0 lbs (random aside -- I almost typed 357.0 ... good grief), that's up 0.2 lbs from my lowest a few days ago. I've been drinking water like a mad woman hoping to stave off chronic constipation and any chance of getting hemorrhoids. I've only had them once and that is enough to know I don't EVER want to have them again.

Tonight is my weekly Lost get-together at my friends house, very much looking forward to it!

What?!?

Wonder of all wonders, I got my MRI results yesterday. Late in the day, I was chit-chatting with BP and the doctor's office buzzed in telling my results were done and the doctor wanted to discuss them with me. I certainly wasn't expecting a call so quickly, the nurse on Friday told me that it would take 3-5 business days, so I guess less than one business day was enough. Waiting the 3 mins for him to get on the phone was excruciating but when he actually did get on, he gave me some news I was expecting and some I sure as hell wasn't. He confirmed the prolactinoma (he called it a microadenoma -- same thing) and said that medication would be the proper treatment for it ... then he dropped a !@#$-ing bomb when he said "there was also another anomaly..." At this point, I kinda heard what he said after that, but not really ... "abnormality .... brain fluid .... fossa ... blah blah blah." Yeah, I would like to say I caught everything he said, but frankly, I was just flat out shocked that there was something else going on, my mind just went all the way left! He said he was making an appointment for me with a "hormone doctor" and that his office will let me know when that is. Good grief! I was so discombobulated that I forgot to ask him to fax me the results! Fifteen minutes later, I did and when I got them, I could barely understand them, I don't really speak doctor. From what I could glean, however, is that the MRI showed results consistent with Chiari I Malformation. What the HELL?!?

Great. Now I have something else to obsess over! Ugh. After a good 30 minutes of searching online, I know it's not anything to panic about, but damnit, not what I was expecting. I am not experiencing any of the symptoms from it so it may be a non-issue for now, I guess I'll have to wait and see. Hopefully, the doc's office will call me today and I can see, what I assume to be, an Endocrinologist soon. One additional tidbit was that he expressed concern about dosages of medications given my DS so when I meet with the Endo, he will be able to advise me on that. Looks like I will be sending an email to Dr. M. soon. I can't complain too much, it could be far, far worse news.

Anyway, enough of that. Weight this morning was 262.6 lbs. Woo-hoo! The scale is my friend again. I've dropped, but not completely cut out, the amount of high-fiber wheat bread and cheese I've been eating and mostly cut out a lot of the frankenfood as well, been eating more chicken, pork and seafood. I've also dropped my protein down to the 150 grams per day range while keeping my calories high (via fat). Seems to be a good combination for now.

Hollow Leg Syndrome

I started Week 4 of my Couch to 5K and it was the toughest so far. I wasn't sure I'd make it! I walked for 5 mins, ran for 3 mins, walked for 1.5 mins, ran for 5 mins, walked for 3.5 mins, then ran for 3 mins, walked for 1.5 mins and then ran for 5 mins. Those last two runs were bloody murder, I honestly thought I'd have to walk it...BUT, holy crap, I ran for 5 minutes straight...TWICE!!! Omigod, I've never done that before and although it was tough, I did it. Awesomeness abounds. I also walked over to the tennis courts and hit some balls for 1/2 an hour, I think I got a decent forehand! I'm no longer lobbing them all over the place which is a good thing...chasing balls is not fun.

This is day 2 on the Provera and I don't really feel any different. A few of the side effects are moodiness and weight gain...whoopee. It's only a 5 day course (assuming the labs come back okay) so I won't stress too much about it.

I'm 1/2 way through a container of Maximum Protein powder I got at GNC. The stuff is delicious but gives me unbelievable gas....sucks. I had avoided chocolate flavored protein mixes for awhile, but I may make an effort to find a new one that doesn't give me explosive gas.

Weight is staying between 264 and 265...not too happy about that, but am not freaking out. With the increased exercise, I'm not surprised. Yesterday, I was STARVING and ate well over 3500 calories, not sure why I get so hungry sometimes, but I could not stop eating or rather, as soon as I finished eating, I was hungry again. Today is the opposite, I've only eaten 2-3 times today. I doubt I'll hit 3000 calories today.

Adjustments

So my tennis lesson got canceled yesterday as my teacher got sick. That bummed me out way more than I need to admit. Anyway, I decided to be a slouch and take a nap. I honestly thought I'd sleep for 1/2 an hour, get up and go run some errands, but I ended up napping for almost 3 hours, I guess the stress of the week caught up with me and I was out cold. I think I just needed the few hours to decompress. I feel better today and am actually on my way out the door. Gonna run and then hit some tennis balls. I'm at the point now where I feel fairly confident I can run 5 full minutes without bursting a lung.

I did some quick measurements this morning and my waist is an amazing 38.5 inches. That is unbelievable! I had a 62-64 inch waist pre-surgery. My hips are an amazing 50.5 inches. I couldn't even accurately measure them pre-op as my tape measure was about a foot or more too short, but I made an attempt in October of '06 and have 70 inches logged. That's a 20-inch decrease. Wow. I also lost 2+ inches off my neck and 3 inches off my forearms. Craziness. I was just thinking the other day that I am certainly past the point where I feel like I'm the same size as I was pre-surgery and am at the point where I know full well that I am smaller, much smaller, but I don't realize how small (as if) I really am. I looked at some pictures of myself from August during my trip to Savannah and was surprised to recognize that I am smaller than that, that I looked "big" to myself in those pictures. Recently my face seems to have changed quite a bit. My eyes seem to take up 1/2 my face, I never realized they were so big. My cheekbones, I have my mother's cheekbones, in fact, my whole life people have said that I look just like my dad, now they say I look like my mom, I heard that a lot at my family Christmas party.

I really want to find some women's jeans that will fit me well. I've been opting for men's jeans since they come in lengths that support my nearly 6' tall frame. Several months ago I did go to Lane Bryant and tried on some Right Fit jeans and I think I was a 5 at the time. I'm probably a 3 by now accordingly to their website. Problem is, do I really want to spend $40 on a pair of jeans that I'll only be able to wear for a few weeks? Uh, no, especially when I can get 4-5 pairs of jeans at the evil empire (Walmart) for the same price.

I've been thinking about transitioning to weekly weigh ins. I think it might be time ... or not. I don't know, I keep going back and forth on this. Tiffany posted a link to an article about how weighing daily helps keep people in check. I truly believe it as I know that panic starts to set in when/if things get a little out of control. Maybe my indecision is based in not being ready and maybe I just need to accept that and maybe look at it as something to do once I cross over into onederland. I'm about 80% EWL for my goal of 199 and around 73% for the second goal of 175.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday! Yea! I'm excited about it but I know that once it's over, the six month long football drought begins, makes me want to cry, but with the weather warming up in the next several weeks, the plan is to be actually playing more sports than I'm watching them on TV.

Month 17 ... and other stuff

Well, I've had an interesting couple of days. That might be the understatement of the year. First, the whole situation with our Employee #2 seems to be resolves. Long story, he reacted poorly due to some tragic news he had just received and completely over-reacted in the midst of him trying to deal with the bad news. He apologized to Employee #1 as well as to me. I accepted his apology but stressed the need to try to step away and give himself a minute to calm down. I also communicated to the entire staff, in no uncertain terms, that I better not hear or read or catch wind of any more unprofessional behavior. I think for now, that is sufficient. Thank God it's Friday, I truly need a break.

On to more important things. This was an interesting month in my DS life and one that I can easily say I enjoyed, moreso than the last couple. This month was all about exercise and discovering the joy of tennis. The month started off with my Couch to 5K training and I was and still am amazed at my ability to run. It boggles the mind. When I first started walking at the end of 2006, I mentioned the fact that I hated getting lapped my little old ladies, well not anymore. Yesterday was the first time that I actually ran past people walking. It was such a thrill! Typically, there aren't a whole lot of people out there braving the cold and wind so the opportunity to lap folks has been infrequent, that's definitely part of the reason, but to actually pass someone after spending my whole having people pass me by is just incredible! As running gets more and more difficult, I also see improvements in myself, when I first could barely run for 60 straight seconds, I can now run 3 minutes without bursting a lung. I know if I keep at it, I'll be able to reach my goal of running a 5K.

Then there was tennis. I love tennis. I'm flabbergasted at how much I like it. I have very little interest in it pre-surgery. I think maybe it's because of the physicality involved and the opportunity it affords me to move around in space like I don't recall ever doing. I sweat more in one hour of tennis practice than training for the 5K. Also, I don't like sucking at things, especially things I've committed myself to doing. Yesterday I spent an hour practicing my forehand and had to force myself to pack up my stuff and go back home, I could have stayed out there for hours, but there was work to be done. I know I am a good year or so away from being a decent tennis player and I know there's a long road of suckitude and mediocrity ahead, but I know that I'll get there with hard work and lots and lots of practice.

Weight-wise, although I hadn't lost the 15 lbs I was hoping for, I did lose 7 lbs total, but lost roughly 12 lbs of body fat and gained roughly 5 lbs of muscle. I can definitely be happy with that. I do feel stronger, especially in my legs and thighs. which I love. My current weight is a steady 264.0 lbs, down from 516.6 lbs for a total loss of 252.6 lbs in 17 months.

I do find myself more and more anxious to be done with all the weight loss already. As I am never content nor comfortable with my nutrition/supplementation, I am always looking for the problem areas and one seems to pop up every now and again and that is the issue of not eating enough. For me, consuming more than say, 1800 calories, requires effort. I can easily get that amount of food in through the course of the day without thinking about it. Problem is that 1800 calories is nowhere near enough for me. I need to be getting upwards of 2500+ calories a day, probably well over 3000 with the amount of exercise I do. It's still a foreign concept to me and one that I haven't fully embraced -- that of eating more to lose. We've been down this road at least 5 or 6 times over the last 17 months and still I have to step back and remind myself that I need to freakin' eat.

These last several months have been rough though. I haven't lost the weight I have wanted to lose and part of me thinks it might be related to the Protonix I am taking. I have read some anecdotal evidence that PPI's can cause weight gain and my weight loss slow down seems to have started soon after I got on the Protonix at the beginning of August. Since August 1st, I have only lost about 44 lbs, 44 in 6 months. That is way below my average of around 14-17 lbs per month. My other worry is that maybe my estrogen levels are low. Low estrogen has been associated with weight gain, as has been the direct opposite. Maybe I'm reaching here, but I just want to know that there aren't any factors working against me. I know I am getting smaller as I can wear things now that I couldn't merely a month ago, it's just that the scale continues to frustrate the heck out of me. I miss those days when on average I would lose 0.2 - 0.8 lbs a day, hell, even if it went up, it was temporary and it would eventually go right back down. If nothing else, I covet consistency. Anyway, on Monday, I have the dreaded GYN appointment. I am sooooo not looking forward to it, but it must be done. Hopefully all will be well.

It's all the things I can't implicitly control that give me grief, so many other factors to consider like the exercise and increase in muscle I mentioned earlier. Sometimes I wish things could be more formulaic. Do X, get Y. That would be sublime, but such is not the case, at least not in any simple sense. Maybe the solution (goal weight) is a far more complex equation and maybe I don't have all the knowledge, skills and discipline to figure all out just yet...YET. What's interesting though, you would think that I'd find myself more and more content with a more "lenient" goal weight, but truthfully, it makes me want to see that normal BMI more and more. I guess this is a long-winded way for me to say I'm impatient, damnit! LOL.

Tomorrow morning I have a tennis lesson, then I am going to try to get a little shopping done. The rest of the day will be relaxing. Sunday is all about the Super Bowl. For the record, I am rooting for the Giants, gotta root for the underdog, right?

Yeah, baby, yeah!!!

Start Weight: 516.6 lbs
Surgery Weight: 510.0 lbs
Current Weight: 266.4 lbs
Goal Weight: 199.8 lbs

TOTAL LOSS: 250.2 lbs!

Woo-hoo!!!! The light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter. 66.6 lbs to goal.

Yes, I am a happy camper this morning, needless to say!

So, I have an appointment with my PCP this morning so I have to keep this post short. Keep your fingers crossed that she will give me the okay to get off the blood pressure meds for good! I checked it three times this weekend and it ranged from 83/64 to 107/78. I'm also going to get labs done as well.