#600... and it's a doozy!

Believe it or not, this is my 600th post, 600 posts in like 2 1/2 years. Wow. That's a lot of blabbing on my part! Well, it's that time of year and so I have been thinking long and hard about resolutions for 2009. This time around, it's not so much about accomplishing a lot of little things, but I want to focus on making good strides toward living a normal healthy lifestyle where my weight and my surgery and my body issues aren't so present in my day to day life.

I've been back and forth with myself over the last several months about whether or not I am happy where I am weight-wise, whether getting down below 200 is feasible or not, whether hitting a certain number is all that important to me. I think what I have learned from all that is I still have issues with the fear of success. It is by far, the hardest thing for me to overcome, it sucks because I really want to be able to say that I'm done losing weight, but I guess, subconsciously, I am afraid of what that really means. I don't know. This hurdle, by far, is the most important one for me to overcome in 2009.

Having said that, after a very crazy holiday season filled with lots of holiday food of all kinds, it's time to get back on track. I continue to slowly shrink in size (which honestly boggles the mind considering how I've been eating lately) so I know my DS still works. I am going to focus on exercise. I haven't pushed myself lately and I think it's time. I've been playing a fair amount of tennis, but with the sketchy weather lately, it hasn't been consistent. I will be signing up for a gym in January, like the rest of America and will start the exercise portion of the Body for LIFE program. I've done BFL before with good results and I will continue to do tennis 2-3 times a week, mostly Sunday afternoon and Monday evenings.

My nutritional requirements haven't changed. Still need to get in at least 2 protein shakes a day, preferably three. Still need to take my supplements, still need to greatly limit the carbs and dairy in my diet. On this front, the only thing I need to improve is to maintain consistency and to basically expand my horizons a little bit and be a little more adventurous with my food. Eating the same things over and over again is convenient, but makes it easy to get off track when boredom sets in. I have to learn that not all veggies are evil. :)

Long story short, yes, the ultimate goal is to see onederland. I don't know when, I'm not putting a timetable on it, but that's the goal. I hope to get pretty damn close within the first 12 weeks.

I made great strides in 2008 in being more social, the biggest thing toward that end was leaving my business and returning to the corporate world. Awesome. It was like I was missing from the world and rediscovered life. I've had a great time just going to work, going out to lunch, going to functions after work, basically just being engaged with other people without all the BS and craziness. I really, really missed that when I was working my my business partner. It's also been awesome to get up every day and look like and feel like an adult. I know that's a weird statement, but I've really enjoyed buying and wearing work clothes, mind you, we have somewhat of a casual work environment where many of my coworkers are t-shirts and tennis shoes type of folks, which is perfectly acceptable, but I don't want to be one of them. I was a card-carrying member when I was 500+ lbs, but not anymore. I like wearing good clothes to work, having my hair look cute, wearing an actual coat with a scarf, all of that. It just makes me feel good and makes me feel like I've made big strides in leaving some of the old Tia behind that needed being left behind. The one thing I wanted to do in 2008 that I haven't done yet is date. I really want to start dating but haven't the slightest idea of how to get that going. One thing I did notice is that I am oblivious to signals that guys send off. I saw this one guy in the cafeteria at work and we had a little moment, a little spark and I just walked away... it didn't occur to me til later that duh, there was something there. Sigh, I need like a dating coach or something.... The old biological clock is ticking and it's not like I want to get married tomorrow, I just want to be going down that road.

All of this is important because in 2009, I will be focusing on my new business venture which I am very excited about. I've been working on it for like two months now and it's materializing into something that I really feel will be successful for me and most importantly, I get to drive. I get to set the tone. I get to be leader and that excites me the most. I've been able to network and talk to potential clients and have felt incredibly confident in myself and I finally know what it's like to not have to be so worried about how fat I am. It's awesome. These are people who haven't the faintest clue that I was ever so morbidly obese and it's such a trip to actually be normal. Y'know sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and still see a fat girl and then other times, especially when I can see my reflection up against people whom I consider to be normal, I am still shocked that I'm fairly normal, at least normal enough to not stand out from the crowd -- except for being almost 6' tall, but I'm used to that!

Going back to BFL issue, it's a 12 week program and in that time, my goal is to work the program as best as I can. In those twelve weeks, I want to lose 25 lbs of body fat. I don't know if that is going to translate to 25 lbs lost on the scale because with this program, it does increase muscle and strength. I think the best measure of success will be a combination of fat lost, weight lost and inches lost. I will take my % body fat on Day 1 and will keep a weekly tally. I will do the same with measurements, but will make that a monthly thing and weight loss will be a daily thing. The BFL program has it's own progress sheets so I will be keep those up.

I feel good about the start of the year, it isn't a big huge goal, just something to get the year started off right. I do have much smaller ambitions, like reading more books. Since I've been taking public transportation to work for the last 6 months, I have read a ton of books, some of them from my list from last year, others that have caught my eye and some are recommendations from friends. I have a stack of 7-8 books that I've purchased in the last couple of weeks that are already on my reading list and I look forward to picking up some more. First up is "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini, I love "The Kite Runner" so am looking forward to finishing this one.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bunch of Real Woman Dollars from Lane Bryant so I decided to go shopping (yet again) and surprise, surprise, I am thisclose to being too small for that store. All the tops are really too big, the sweaters are okay because I usually wear some type of shirt under them so they fit fine. I am suffering from loose waist/bagging bottom syndrome in my Right Fit size 2 jeans so I bought a couple of pairs of size 1's which fit better although they are a little snug in the thigh. Ah, my thighs, my perennial problem area. Hopefully, the work I do in BFL will help. I don't plan to have any kind of plastic surgery in 2009, but will probably start seriously looking into it. I need a lot of work done and will just have to determine what are my wants and what can I live with.

Okay, so I have to tell you about Christmas. I spent Christmas at my friend L's house. I initially thought it was going to be a large group of similarly stranded folks gathering to partake of some holiday cheer, turns out it was largely her family and several neighbors, not too many other single folk. Anyway, it was great overall, food was awesome and I enjoyed myself for the most part. Here's the thing, this is a friend I had known in college and especially during our freshman year, we were very close. To be honest, she was also the pretty one and I was your typical "fat sidekick". That was the role I served, she wasn't much a friend in retrospect, it was really all about her and all the drama in her life. That was the case for the first couple of years of school, but it calmed down the last two years and I sort of went on my way. After graduation we ended up in the same city, but we didn't really live close to each so we didn't hang out much, but when we did, same old story. Anyway this one time, we were volunteering with our local alumni club which was sponsoring a fundraising event, a black tie affair. We were tasked to welcome the guests and give them name-tags or something, I really don't remember. Anyway at the beginning of the night, we were sitting at a table with 3 or 4 other friends (all women) when her boyfriend at the time shows up. She gets all giggly and proceeds to introduce him, one by one, to everyone at the table - except me. I was so hurt. The funny thing is that if I truly thought it was an accident, it wouldn't have bothered me so much and I probably would have just introduced myself and forgotten about it, but in my heart, I knew it was intentional. I was already feeling self-conscious because I had to wear my standard black skirt, white shirt (the only "dressy" outfit I had) and of course, I was the biggest person there. I already felt crappy from the get-go and then she goes and does that. After that night, I avoided her and maybe saw her once or twice in the following weeks, but honestly hadn't talked to her in like 8 or 9 years.

So Christmas dinner, 2008. I will be the first to admit that sometimes people change and I had largely forgiven her and frankly moved on. This is her first time seeing me in years, so obviously, I've lost a lot of weight and she seems genuinely happy about it. Everything seems fine, I get introduced to her whole family, they are perfectly nice people, all is good. Then her neighbors get there. Her out of town family members don't know these people, neither do I. L proceeds to introduce her neighbors, one by one, to everyone there - except for me. It registered in my brain, but I was like "ok, whatever" and I make sure to introduce myself and move on.

After all that, we eat, after dinner, we play a few games - Taboo and Catchphrase, good times. So we're all chilling talking and stuff and the conversation turns to how good the food was. L starts talking about which person made what -- so and so made the banana pudding, she made the spaghetti, her dad cooked almost all the desserts, etc. She runs down almost the entire menu and mind you, I'm sitting almost directly in front of her, maybe 3 feet away and she doesn't mention anything I brought. Mind you, I brought the freakin' Christmas ham and baked mac & cheese, both big hits! I just looked at her. I was done. It's like what Maya Angelou said "when people show you who they are, believe them!" I saw all I needed to see and within an hour or so, I was in my car, making my way home. I won't be socializing with her anymore. It's not that I'm mad, honestly, I'm really not, I feel more relieved, like I dodged a bullet, because what I do remember most about our "friendship" in college was that I was a very, very good friend to her and she wasn't much of one to me. She was exhausting and kinda shallow and trifling. Nope, don't need that crap. When I hugged her goodnight, it was more of a good-bye. I'm sure I'll come across her now that I'm more out and about and I'll be sure to be perfectly amicable, but outside of that, not gonna go there!

Well, I've babbled enough. I need to start blogging more consistently, I tend to keep all my thoughts in reserve and then it's like an avalanche! Good grief!

Month 20

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

What?!?

Wonder of all wonders, I got my MRI results yesterday. Late in the day, I was chit-chatting with BP and the doctor's office buzzed in telling my results were done and the doctor wanted to discuss them with me. I certainly wasn't expecting a call so quickly, the nurse on Friday told me that it would take 3-5 business days, so I guess less than one business day was enough. Waiting the 3 mins for him to get on the phone was excruciating but when he actually did get on, he gave me some news I was expecting and some I sure as hell wasn't. He confirmed the prolactinoma (he called it a microadenoma -- same thing) and said that medication would be the proper treatment for it ... then he dropped a !@#$-ing bomb when he said "there was also another anomaly..." At this point, I kinda heard what he said after that, but not really ... "abnormality .... brain fluid .... fossa ... blah blah blah." Yeah, I would like to say I caught everything he said, but frankly, I was just flat out shocked that there was something else going on, my mind just went all the way left! He said he was making an appointment for me with a "hormone doctor" and that his office will let me know when that is. Good grief! I was so discombobulated that I forgot to ask him to fax me the results! Fifteen minutes later, I did and when I got them, I could barely understand them, I don't really speak doctor. From what I could glean, however, is that the MRI showed results consistent with Chiari I Malformation. What the HELL?!?

Great. Now I have something else to obsess over! Ugh. After a good 30 minutes of searching online, I know it's not anything to panic about, but damnit, not what I was expecting. I am not experiencing any of the symptoms from it so it may be a non-issue for now, I guess I'll have to wait and see. Hopefully, the doc's office will call me today and I can see, what I assume to be, an Endocrinologist soon. One additional tidbit was that he expressed concern about dosages of medications given my DS so when I meet with the Endo, he will be able to advise me on that. Looks like I will be sending an email to Dr. M. soon. I can't complain too much, it could be far, far worse news.

Anyway, enough of that. Weight this morning was 262.6 lbs. Woo-hoo! The scale is my friend again. I've dropped, but not completely cut out, the amount of high-fiber wheat bread and cheese I've been eating and mostly cut out a lot of the frankenfood as well, been eating more chicken, pork and seafood. I've also dropped my protein down to the 150 grams per day range while keeping my calories high (via fat). Seems to be a good combination for now.