31 January 2007


For a good week, I was really dreading yesterday and I really didn't want to blog at all. I feared getting way too emotional. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my sister Monica's passing. I think a good deal of my anxiety from the past week, in fact, was due to dreading the day. When it finally came, I didn't feel the same devastation I felt a year ago and a big part of that is in remembering the kind of person Monica was. She would NOT have wanted that. She would have said in her classic sassy tone "Girl, please! Quit your cryin'" I talked to my sister, S, and she expressed the same thing. So I didn't cry for her yesterday, although there were a couple of moments when I certainly thought I might. Instead, I lived my life because that's what she would want. I really miss her and I am just thankful for the time we had together.

On a less depressing note, I went to my two "interviews" yesterday and they both went well. I didn't feel uncomfortable nor self conscious. I even walked up a flight of stairs and to my surprise was not winded at all. Woo-hoo! I am still doing my 2 miles in the morning and I just love how it has improved my overall conditioning. I got lost in a parking garage and instead of taking the elevators up and down, I just walked the ramps and I was fine. Hopefully I will hear something soon.

One thing I gotta get better about is my nutrition/water/supplements/exercise when/if I do find something. Walking in the morning is pretty much out unless I get up at some gawdawful hour, so at best, it'll have to be at lunchtime or after work. Nutrition will be tricky. I'm not sure I'd be about to do more than 4 meals a day if I needed to not to mention the fact that I might be eating at off times as compared to the rest of the folks. Supplements shouldn't be too bad though and water will require much more conscious effort for sure. I guess I will figure out when I need to.

It was freezing again this morning AND windy. Ugh. Not fun, but by the time I hit mile 1, the wind had at least died down. We are supposed to be getting freezing rain/sleet tonight into the morning tomorrow so I'm not crazy enough to think I wanna be walking in that crap. If I am lucky, maybe it will have cleared up by early afternoon. I guess I'll just keep my eye on the weather to see how it goes.

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29 January 2007

Shopping Around

I've been quietly talking to a few people out there in the industry who might be in need of my services. I need a break. I've been in entrepreneurial mode for the past two years and in startup mode for the past four years. It's been a every day, all day siege and I need a change. I did not come to this decision lightly, much of the anxiety of the past few weeks stems from the belief that I need to make some more changes in my life. I'm really proud of the work I've done in the past two years and our little company has grown and blossomed. We have 10 employees now and are doing well. Sometimes it just boggles the mind when I think about that first meeting I had with my business partner about starting the company and to see how far we've gotten. Right now, there is talk of expanding into other areas and although I am excited for all of it, I also miss some of the good things about not working for yourself. I miss working on projects for clients and working with other people with other talents. I miss going into work, going to lunch with friends, going out after work, all that stuff. I miss the money. Yes, our business does make a good chunk of change, the fact of the matter is, we have employees who have families to raise, most of whom are the sole breadwinners in their households. I don't feel right taking more money out of the company when they work hard too and have more responsibilities than me. We built our company on the ideal that we take care of everybody, not just the people at the "top".

Tomorrow I have a couple of sit-downs with two different people of interest about working on some upcoming short term projects, like 3-6 months long. The money is great, I'll be able to get out of the house, work on something different, meet some new people and hopefully pick up a few new skills. The downside is that going out there is a little scary. I don't know how people will react to me. I'm really unsure about it all. I mean, I don't look like how I did 5 months ago and I feel much more confident about myself, but there is still a great deal of insecurity. PLUS, say I do get one of the opportunities, they are going to be witnesses to me losing like a hundred pounds in a matter of months, will I have to explain myself. What about eating throughout the day or poop issues? All things I have to consider. Oy vey. Add the fact that I have nothing that fits and you see my dilemma.

Ultimately I think I will be fine and hopefully by the end of the week or beginning of next week someone will make me an offer, if not then it's not a big huge deal. It would be nice to replenish my financial reserves post-Brazil, but I am doing just fine otherwise. BP, by the way, is fine with this. She has some things going on in her life that might take her away from the business for awhile as well at some point this year so no worries on that end. I don't know, we'll see how it goes.

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Geez. It's frickin' freezing outside. Not good walking weather. I thought I was going to die. Okay, totally melodramatic, but still. I can't wait for warmer weather. The only good thing about walking in cold weather is that is makes you want to walk that much faster. I'm still feeling a little hip pain, but not nearly as much. I've been trying to not overexert myself and do a little stretching beforehand. It only hurts when I'm bringing my leg forward during the period of time where my leg is in the air during the transition. I think as long as I am careful, I should be fine.

I have to admit to being not much of an eater the last several days or it could be my perception. Not sure. I've been doing a bit of research in trying to figure out what I should do nutrition wise and how many calories/grams of protein I should be aiming for. I think I've settled on over 1800 calories, 130-150 grams of protein. I'm going to try to keep my protein shakes to one a day, if that. In order to get the calories, without having to eat a lot of protein means I am going to have to increase the amount of fat I eat. Say I eat 140 grams of protein, 20 grams of carbs, that's about 640 calories, subtract from 1800 gives me 1160 calories in fat which translates to about 128 grams of fat a day. In thinking on how to accomplish that I'm thinking butter, olive oil, fattier meats, etc. Eating six times a day is a pain so I am aiming for 4 times a day excluding the morning protein shake. Anyway, today is the first day of this plan so we'll see how it goes.

Two weeks ago I poked a hole in my belt cause it had gotten too big. Well now I gotta poke another hole soon. In those two weeks, the scale has been (frustratingly) steady around 397 lbs, but I'm still shrinking so I won't panic yet. ;) I've been wearing one of those LIVE STRONG type wristbands on my left wrist and another shoestring based thing around my other wrist and it fascinates me to no end to see how when I raise my arm they keep falling lower and lower. My arm looks *exactly* the same but I can't deny the fact that both bracelets are looser and looser. Craziness. I am also noticing more and more loose skin in my arms and legs. It's hard to articulate just how trippy all of this is. Last night in bed I'm laying on my side starting to doze off when I notice that my knees are actually touching! I mean like I can feel the bone to bone contact. So. freaking. cool.

Tomorrow is my 5 month anniversary and I'm pretty happy. Unless a miracle happens and I drop 10 lbs tomorrow, I'll have lost a total of 120 lbs so far. Woo-hoo! I've had my share of issues, but I'm happy with my progress so far. It's funny, just when you think you've got this whole thing nailed, you find out you totally don't. I'm still a newbie and I have a lot to learn still, but this journey so far has been amazing. I gotta get all dolled up tomorrow so I will try to get a couple of progress photos done tomorrow! Woo-hoo!

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26 January 2007


Goodness, life gets crazy sometimes. This past week has been mad. Lots of stuff going on at work, both good and bad. I gotta go into the office today to play Desktop Support Person which I hate because I am not that great at it. Then I need to run a few errands and try to get my camera fixed. Poor thing. I can't say I've been in the best of moods lately. It's a multitude of things, one of them being the fact that I miss my camera or rather, I miss my camera in my day to day life. I haven't taken any pictures in quite a while. I haven't bought a new one yet because I'm not sure I want to spend the money on a non-essential item right now. So I'm kinda bummed out about that. The weather is cold and that sucks too, plus there is a date rapidly approaching that I am just flat out dreading. More on that later.

My frustration with not knowing how much protein/fat/carbs/calories to eat has gotten the best of me. I haven't been eating enough the last few days, nothing bad, just not enough of the good. I guess I just needed a few days at the opposite end of the spectrum. Not surprisingly, my weight has stayed pretty static. I need to figure out ways to get more calories in easily without feeling like I have to eat all day. Fat is calorie dense so I'm thinking that's probably the way to go, I'm thinking less lean meats, liberal use of olive oil and butter. We'll see.

Yeah, well, time to hop in the shower and head out! Here's hoping for a good day.

23 January 2007

Too much protein???

Ok, today so far has been much better than yesterday which was a struggle. I went to walk this morning and it was cold and windy, but I felt refreshed. I went to the grocery and picked up a few things and something that Kim said popped in my mind as I was walking around. She mentioned that I had a shift in my center of gravity. I definitely feel that, either that or I've gotten more clumsy. I often feel like I am walking weird or that my gait is not as smooth as it could be. I notice that when I walk I tend to lean forward a lot. Anyway, I got home and my stomach immediately started to cramp and I rushed to the bathroom and let's just say, I had a big, big poop. My innards immediately felt better.

I'm still very confused about how much protein I should be getting. If I am in the 140 range, I start to retain water and have problems.

Yesterday I had a moderate day because I didn't walk:

B: 3.25 ounces deli turkey, slice of mild cheddar (28 g protein)
S: Protein shake (50g)
L: 1/2 burrito - 1 low carb tortilla, 2 eggs, 1 slices of bacon, 2 slices of cheese (17.5g)
S: 1/2 burrito (17.5g)
D: Protein shake (50g)

Total: 1133 calories, 47g fat, 22g carbs (11g fiber), 163g protein.

A typical day when I do walk:
B: Protein drink (46 g)
S: 1/2 burrito (17.5g)
L: 1/2 burrito (17.5g)
S: Protein drink (50 g)
D: Grilled fish in a garlic butter sauce (34g)
S: Protein drink (50 g)

Total: 1683 calories, 84g fat, 10g carbs, 218g protein.

As you can see, I am getting a lot of my protein from protein drinks. It would be impossible to get that much in through regular food. I don't know, maybe it's more about calories than just protein. Maybe that's too much protein. Truth be told, it's hard drinking 3 shakes a day. Well, maybe hard is the wrong word.... It's not hard to drink 3 shakes, it's just a pain. What I may do is just drop it down to 160 and increase my fat intake. That'll get me more calories without having to feel like I am eating all day long. Any suggestions? The scale said 398, btw.

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22 January 2007


I am having one of those days, y'know the ones where you don't want to eat anything. Everything looks and smells gross. Yep, that's me. It's been a long day of protein shakes. The thought of anything else makes me want to hurl. Ugh.

Down to 397 lbs today. Woo-hoo.

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21 January 2007

Really really real

So I guess it's official. I weighed in this morning at 397.6 lbs for a total loss of 119 lbs and I am about a week from my 5 month anniversary. I had to eat 200+ grams of protein to kick start the weight loss. Pretty crazy stuff. I left the 500's in Brazil and now I can say, with confidence, buh-bye to the 400's. It's all a little weird and I don't think I've fully wrapped my head around it. It was probably 2001 or 2002 that I was last under 400 lbs. It's funny cause I remember starting off that year at around 425-430 lbs or so and it took me til mid-summer, I believe to get down to around 370. That's 60 lbs in 7 months or so. Then in 4-5 years, I gained a whopping 150+ lbs. Craziness. I sometimes dig out my journals from that time and it's pretty sad reading, a chronology of failure. I'm so very thankful those days are long gone. I never had a problem with working hard at my diet and health, but it was the repeated failures and feelings of "it's just never going to happen for me" that killed most hope. I'm having a hard time articulating all this, but it's a different world for me, it really is and I really like it.

I didn't do any shopping this weekend. Yesterday, I got bogged down in some work emergencies and today ... well ... it's cold and rainy and I'd rather just snuggle on the couch, turn on the fireplace and listen to some Corinne Bailey Rae. I am, however, going to recruit somebody to go shopping with me (at some point) as I am a fashion moron. Why? Here's something you may not know, I've worn mostly men's clothes for God only knows how long. About 95% of my wardrobe is men's clothes, except for underwear, bras, slips, etc., 5 or so blouses, 3-4 skirts and a business suit and that's it. Everything else is jeans, khakis, t-shirts, a couple of sweaters and sweatpants. One big reason is of course, my size at the time, the other is that fact that I am tall, almost 6 feet and I can't tell you the number of times I've had shirts from like Lane Bryant that didn't even come to my belly button or long sleeve shirts that only came 3/4 of the way down my arm. Add to that my irrational impatience with trying on clothes and there you have it. I really do want to get past this issue as I do want to look better with what I wear so I'll be dragging someone with me.

Anyway, the couch and my iPod beckon me....

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19 January 2007

Starting and stopping.

So I went to my DS Support Group Thursday night. Good times. If nothing else, it is such a boost to my morale. It would be incredibly difficult to feel alone with all these great people around. We had a guest, Dr. Alexander, I believe, a plastic surgeon who has experience with WLS patients. Very informative. I tell ya one thing, I'm definitely rethinking my ultimate goal weight. Dr. Marchesini wanted me to get down to 250 lb before considering plastic surgery. I'm not so sure about that. First off, after seeing those pictures in her presentation and after hearing a few tales of the aftermath from Kim last night, I'm not too keen on surgery any time in the next, 10-15 years. Second, the doc said that the closer you are to an ideal body weight the better. I reckon I would still have a good bit of fat at 250. Me thinks I am going to keep 185 in mind and we'll see.

I went walking this morning and noticed that my right hip kinda hurts, not really the joint, but like the muscle/tendon/ligament that runs right over it, if that makes sense. It takes a good 10-15 minutes of walking before it abates. I really, really hope it won't hinder my progress cuz I'll be pissed.

I haven't been eating as much protein as I should, around 140 grams a day or so and accordingly my weight has been pretty steady, around 399 or so. I'm gonna make sure to get more protein in, it's just that it's not easy to reconcile the fact that I feel like I have to eat like crazy to lose weight. If that is not a head trip, I don't know what is.

In the past week I've probably started 8 different posts, but never got around to finishing them. I've been unusually swamped with a lot of things (mostly work related) and there is a date this month I'm dreading (more on that later). Anyway, I'm going to be spending the day doing some pre-spring cleaning. Sounds like fun, right?

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17 January 2007

And there was much rejoicing....

Drumroll, please.....399.8! Wow. I can't believe it! I'm tempted to mark this as the official day, but we'll wait and see what tomorrow brings. In the meantime, buh-bye 400's!
Time for the happy jig:

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16 January 2007

No, I didn't kill her...

I wanted to, but I didn't. Friday I got a phone call from a lady at this consulting firm I had submitted my resume to like two years ago. They are looking to fill a position and a former coworker (whom I hadn't worked with for like 7 years) recommended. I didn't pursue the position back then because I had decided I wanted to start a company. I'm not necessarily really looking for a job right now, but I also hadn't really checked out the landscape in my industry in the past 5-6 years. I just got off the phone with the head of the department and we had a good conversation. I'm not sure what the next steps are so we'll see. If the moolah is good, I'll have to think about it. I'm certainly not giving up my business for a job, but my day-to-day role will be certainly reduced. I dunno.

Weighed in today at 400.8. Still hanging on to the 400's. I'm not sure why. I think it's like a psychological barrier or something. I haven't been able to walk in the mornings, it's just been too freakin' crazy in my life. Thankfully things have calmed down and I should be able to tomorrow. I had a great conversation with my sister last night. I love talking to her, so much fun and I miss her like crazy! Anyway, she reinforced the notion that I need to go buy some new clothes. She said I needed to witness my own progress after I told her, yet again, that I just don't see the "alleged" dramatic change in my appearance. She says I never will unless I get out of the clothes I am swimming in and get into some that fit. Kim told me the exact same thing. I must be hard-headed. So this weekend, I'm off to....somewhere to buy a couple pair of pants and some shirts.

I can't wait for DS support group this Thursday. I need to be around my peeps.

12 January 2007


I may have to kill my business partner...God help me. I swear, the woman does NOT listen. I hate people like that. And not only does she not listen, she's a goddamn drama queen which makes me what to just choke her, if not then, jam a pencil in my eye! The woman is downright exhausting.

Ugh... I can't wait til the weekend.



I weighed in today at 403.6. I finally got things moving. It boggles the mind as to what I needed to do, but I can't deny the results. What did I do? I ate. I ate and ate some more (included in "ate" is drinking protein shakes). I had a whopping 249 grams of protein yesterday! Apparently the 180 grams per day I was doing is not enough. Sigh.

Me thinks it's a combination of things that make my protein requirement this high. First, I'm a big girl, I stand almost 6' tall and currently weight 400+ lbs, down from 500+. This is still a weight that far exceeds many people's starting weights and that is a lot of weight to be trucking around day in and day out. Second, my common channel is only 65 cm which may mean less absorption (I'm not 100% sure about this though) and third, my 45 min walks in the morning are probably burning a lot of calories. I think all those three things combined mean I gotta eat more to lose weight.

I feel like I ate non-stop yesterday, but in reality isn't wasn't all that hard to get to 250 grams. I added another protein shake and a snack. Getting in the additional water, now that was a pain in the ass. I don't know if 250g is where I need to be or not, maybe I overshot the actual mark, but I will try to do 250 through the weekend to see what happens. Fitday says I had 1800 calories, but I suspect, due to malabsorption, in actuality it's more like 600-700 calories, most from protein.

It's funny/ironic because I remember reading about someone on OH who started off near my starting weight, somewhat exercised and regularly ate 200+ grams of protein a day and lost like a fiend. I thought this person was crazy but maybe not so much.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm trying to hold off seeing my doctor til my next appoint in February, but I may call her Monday to move it up.

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10 January 2007

Keeping Calm

I think in a couple of weeks I'll be ready for a 5K walk. I can do 2.0 miles in around 45 mins without breathing too heavy nor feeling exhausted afterwards. The only thing I do feel is starving but that's because I don't eat anything before I head out. I'm not sure if I should or not. I want to get the biggest bang for my effort so I figured I'd allow my body to use stored fat for energy instead of food. That could be complete bullshit, by the way. I have no idea.

My weight this morning was 407.6 lbs. I am trying not to stress about it because logically I know that that number isn't a true representation of my progress. I know I am losing real weight, I know I have poop issues, I know I am retaining water, I just have to be patient as I allow my issues to resolve. I will not use the s-word. I tell ya one thing, this DS is defintely teaching me patience. I remember in my low carb days when the scale wouldn't behave ;) it would send me into an irrational depression or give me every reason to go off plan. Now, I know better. I know to re-evaluate what I am doing to ensure that I am doing things right and tweak things if I need to. So far I am really trying to get more water in and seeing if that helps.

So this whole loose skin thing is fascinating and a little unsettling. It looks so weird and feels funny. It's definitely most prominent in my upper arms. Luckily they stay covered up. In some areas I can pinch my skin and it stays pinched. Trippy. It's the oddest thing.

09 January 2007


The good: I walked two miles today in 45 minutes in sublime weather! 40 degrees, partly cloudy and a little windy. I felt great afterwards. I can probably start doing 2.25 miles starting Monday. I've found a new favorite food, garlic butter baked fish. DELICIOUS.

The bad: My weight is up again today. There is swelling in my legs...again. I've drank 64 oz of water in the last two hours and have yet to pee. I am not happy. Trying to figure out what the problem is is a pain in the ass.

The ugly: My arms and legs are starting to get that gross loose skin look, fascinating, but not too attractive. Poop is NOT moving through my system fast enough.


Tomorrow is a new day...

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Weight is up to 407.4. Not sure what is going on...May be out of ketosis because of Sunday, but I'm not going to worry too much about it. Still having poop issues. Feeling a tad bit constipated. Grrrr....Anyway off to go walk!

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08 January 2007


The birthday party I went to last night was pretty cool. The food was great. Prime rib, roasted potatoes and green beans. I had plenty of prime rib, 2-3 bites of potato, a piece of bread and some green beans. I also had a two-bite brownie. Needless to say, I had killer gas all night long. The wine was flowing last night (except for me as I don't drink) and we decided to play Uno of all things. It was fun for awhile until one person was getting frustrated because everyone else was not taking it all that serious. I mean, who takes Uno seriously?

Anyway, this morning I got up and did a two mile walk in 46 minutes. Woo-hoo! I didn't feel exhausted or overly tired at all. Even a good two hours later, I don't feel any aches and pains out of the ordinary so that's a good sign. It was crazy windy this morning, but the sky was a wonderful bright blue and the sun was magnificent. A HUGE change from yesterday's downpour.

I'm having slow bowel issues again. Grrrrr. Now that I think about it, I'll have to check my fat intake for the past week or so to see where I am at. My water/liquid intake is up so I don't think that's the problem. I dunno we'll see.

My weight this morning was 405. I woke feeling like I was retaining a bit of water, probably from the carbs I had last night. As I was pooting up a storm last night something occurred to me. I think my low tolerance to carbs now is just on par with my high sensitivity to carbs pre-op. I was on Metformin for insulin resistance and was directed to watch carbs, it only makes sense that just because I don't take the it anymore it doesn't mean the low tolerance is gone. I have to admit to wondering why some post-ops seem to not have issues with carbs, even in the 50-100 grams per day range, and I seem to have so many issues with them. Yesterday, I maybe had 40-50 grams, not really a lot in the scheme of things, but for me way out of the ordinary. I would say, on average, I take in maybe sub 20 grams of carbs a day. During the weight loss phase I don't really see that changing unless I'm willing to start taking Metformin again and I sure as hell don't want to do that. That stuff sucks, takes two weeks of cramps and diarrhea for my system to get used to it. Hells no.

07 January 2007


So, being the committed walker that I am, I walked in the rain this morning and this time it was raining much harder and therefore I got much, much wetter. Ugh. Not my favorite thing in the world to do. Part of the course was under a good 3 to 4 inches of water so I just walked around one of the smaller loops 3 times, came out to be around 1.3 miles. I did it in 29 mins though which is pretty cool. My weight has bounced up to 405.2. I may have been dehydrated the last few days so yesterday I drank my little butt off. I also ate quite a bit yesterday, all good stuff, mind you, but a lot and I got that constipated feeling right now so I think it's just a matter of time.

I have a b-day party to go to today, but in the meantime, I am going to just curl up on my couch by the fireplace and try to warm up!

06 January 2007

Big idea or foolishness?

So I am having delusions about running/walking in the Peachtree Road Race this year on July 4th. It's 10K. I doubt seriously I'll be able to run it and I have even greater doubts about finishing in time to get a t-shirt (55 mins), but I think I really want to do it, even if I walk the whole thing. What an accomplishment that would be! The 10K translates to 6.2 miles. Starting Monday I will be walking 2 miles every morning, isn't possible to work my way up to 6 miles in 6 months? Even if I'm the last person to finish wouldn't that be great? I've never done anything like that in my life. I should be around 280 lbs (or less hopefully) by then. I don't know, I'm going to give it some serious thought and look into how I can train for it, maybe even enlist some professional help. I have this vision of wearing a t-shirt that says : "I lost 200 lbs. This year I run because I CAN, next year for the t-shirt". How freakin' cool would that be?

Coming down from the clouds....I did my usual morning routine, got up, checked my email, got dressed, walked, came home. While I was mixing my protein drink, this sound that is akin to a freight train zooming down the tracks started to eminate from my stomach and then I got severe cramps so I hightailed to the potty and unleashed a fury few have ever known. I hadn't consumed anything execept for maybe 5-6 oz of water that day so I hopped on the scale to see where I stood. Pre-workout, 404.2 lbs, post-atomic bomb, 402.6. I guess my body wants to get out of the 400's as quickly as I do. For those keeping count at home, that's a whopping 18.8 lbs in 7 days. Should I be worried? Or is it all just coming together? For the record, had I not had a break during the holidays, this is weight where I would have been had I been consistent. I'm not going to worry about it unless this rate continues.

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05 January 2007

The coolest thing

I just happened to come across this kick ass website called GMaps Pedometer that calculates the distance you walk/exercise assuming you're outside and covering some distance. Currently I have been depending on my pedometer to tell me how far I've been walking and with the route I've been taking lately, it says I've been walking around 1.33 miles. Well, I double checked on this site and it says my route is actually a tad over 1.5 miles. Awesome!

First I walk this path starting at the red flag then. It's just under a mile, then I do this last outside loop and it's just over .5 miles. I dig this so much. It gives me a good idea of how I can scale my exercise from now on. Through Sunday I am going to keep my same route but Monday I am kicking it up a notch and am going to try to complete that first route twice. That'll be roughly a 2 mile walk. Geez. Who would have thunk it?


More Ramblings

I'm punching holes in my belt right now. Yes, it has come to that (and yes this is me trying hard not to work). Last night I was asked twice when I was going to buy some new clothes. "Is it that bad?" I asked. "Yeah", they said. "Sigh..." I replied. When I went home in January of last year, a little less than a year ago, I wore this blue jean skirt and I had to use every bit of my strength and every abdominal muscle to keep that dang thing zipped up. I remember wearing a long shirt so that in thos instances when I just couldn't, I could unzip the skirt a little and breathe. I wore that same skirt Christmas Eve Eve and spent most of the night making sure it didn't fall all the way down to my knees. I keep saying this and I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but the more I stare at myself naked in the mirror the more I am convinced I look exactly the same. I'm not sure what the heck is going on in my head.

For example, I've been rotating between two pairs of jeans whenever I have to go out do something. One pair I remember that I stopped wearing a few months before my DS because they were too tight. This particular pair were the ones I was wearing last night. Right now I am swimming in them. They do look ridiculous, I admit, but why do I feel like the jeans got bigger and not that I got smaller? Why do I now think that maybe they weren't too small back in June like I thought they were? It's crazy. The only areas of my body that look slightly different to me are my hands, my feet and everything from my shoulders and above. I now have a collarbone and my triple chin is all but gone. I dunno, but these thoughts preoccupy my brain more than they probably should. I think it's the fact that I'm close to being out of the 400's. I'll be hitting 399 soon. How wild is that? I started at 516 and now just over 4 months later I'll be in the 300's.

I feel like I wanna cry or call my mama or something. Call me crazy but having lived this life, I just didn't think it could happen for me. I get on here almost everyday and try to give an accurate accounting of what life has been like since I started this process, the good, the bad and the gassy. I keeping thinking that there might be someone out there who may come across this website and maybe find a little hope, a little insight and maybe a laugh or two. I also keep thinking that as I reach new levels of success, I need to document everything so that 6 months from now I can look back and be like "Holy shit, I remember what that was like! I was trippin!" or be like "My goodness, look how far I've come."

I've read Kim's entire blog (from the beginning) twice and am working my way through MaryBeth's. I did/do it because I want to see how these successful DSers got there. Both these women are virtually unrecognizable from their former selves and I know both of them worked hard. The best part for me to read is that they had many of the same doubts and insecurities that I find myself wrestling with, but they kept their eyes on the prize and kept at it. I know during the next year or so I'll be tackling Ezpy's, Deluzy's and Sharon's blogs as well. I can't think of a better resource than to be able to basically relive their every struggle and triumph throughout their weight loss. That's exactly the kind of info I love. I dig gory details (and it just confirms for me how kickass these women are).

Ok, I'm rambling yet again, but I just felt like I had to get it out there into the atmosphere. Anyway, in about an hour, I am going to bake some fish for a change. Enough already with the pot roast!

I neglected to do a couple of woo-hoo's in the past week at saying buh-bye to the 420's and 410's. Woo-hoo!

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My goodness. I think it's time to see the doctor about lowering my blood pressure medication. Everytime I get up quick the room starts spinning and I feel unsteady, almost like I am going to fall out. After a few seconds, I'm fine. I hope it's a low blood pressure issue because that would be grand. It would mean I am making progress. Last time I got it checked it was something like 132/80 which I think is in the normal range. The only other possibility is dehydration. I plan on getting plenty of water today and will see if the problem persists, otherwise I'll be seeing the doc on Monday.

The wedding last nice was pretty cool. Not what I expected at all. I guess I thought it would be a very formal thing, you're in, you're married, get out. BP and fiance had about 8-10 guests which was kinda interesting because none of the other couples had witnesses, except for one. BP wore a nice cream colored pantsuit and the fiance wore a dark grey suit. The judge said some excellent words about being committed to each other and the marriage and overall it was very pleasant. I'm glad I went. We then went to a nearby restaurant and had a good old time in one of the private back rooms. It was fun and BP and her new husband seemed really happy and in love.

It was a late night so I didn't even get home til close to 1 AM and was knocked out by 2:00 AM. I awoke with a start at around 8:30 because I remembered it was supposed to rain today and I wanted to make sure I got my walk in before the downpour so even though I was still 1/2 asleep I went out there. Ten minutes in it started to drizzle and it continued for the next 1/2 hour. I walked my butt off. Mostly because it just felt good to do so, but also because I didn't want to get caught out there if there even a hint of lightning. By the time I got back to the car, I was quite damp from the rain and sweat. Within an hour of getting home though, the rain really started to come down and I feel lucky I didn't sleep in and wait.

I am down another 2.2 lbs this morning to 405.8. Honestly, that is unexpected. I thought I was done with getting rid of the water weight, but I guess not. I love it.

Ok, I'm freakin' tired. I'm going to take a nap.

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04 January 2007

Dum...dum dum dum

Why am I not drinking something right now? Wait one sec.....ok, got me a big glass of sugar-free lemonade. I don't know what it is, but ever since I got the iron infusion, I hate the taste of water, so it's either Crystal Light (more accurately the generic Kroger brand or Wylers -- CL is way too sweet) or nothing at all.

I just found out I have a wedding to go to...tonight. BP (business partner) and fiance are getting married at the courthouse. Apparently his divorce from his wife was finalized last Friday, they just found out about it yesterday and are tying the knot today (very looooooong story). We're then going to go to a restaurant nearby and celebrate. I just talked to BP's adult aged daughter and we're gonna try to make it special, but we only have a few hours to pull stuff together. For some reason I've been tasked to buy the champagne. I know zip, zero, zilch about alcohol. I don't even like alcohol and I sure as hell don't like and don't plan on drinking any champagne.

Well, time's awasting...this should be very interesting! More details later

Girdles, part deux.

I hate insomnia. I get bouts of it off and on every 6-8 weeks and it's so annoying. Anyway, while I was trying to get back to sleep yet again last night something occurred to me that I guess I had repressed. Back in March 2003 I went down to Louisiana for my uncle's funeral and a few days before my mother insisted that she buy me something to wear. Apparently what I had packed was sufficient. So we go to Catherines and after a good hour of humiliation we settle on a grey business-type suit. What I totally forgot about was that we also bought this slimming-girdle type thing. It starts at the waist and goes past the knees, pretty much like how bicycle shorts would be. I jump out of bed and start digging for it in my closet. Half hour later I find it and immediately throw it in the washer and once it's done I toss it in the dryer then pass out on my bed. Anyway, I wore it this morning on my walk and I kinda like it. I'm not jigglin around as much. Don't tell mom I said that.

I'm down another 2.4 lbs this morning. Just a mere 8 lbs before I say good-bye to the 400s. Wow. I feel like I will have a bigger emotional reaction to that milestone than when I lost the first 100 lbs. Anyway all that gas I had last night was for a reason. I'll leave it at that. I had a good bit of green beans yesterday with my pot roast. They were delicious, but I may have to lay off them for awhile. Had to air out the house.

I love the DS. I get to talk about poop and poots with wild abandon!


Insomnia. Gotta love it....

It's just past 5 AM so this may not be entirely coherent. I was just thinking about the changes I am going through. Despite feeling much healthier, I still don't feel like I look all that different. I, like many DSers and other people who have had weight loss surgery, I am intrigued by how many body feels & looks in the sense of how my hands change, noticing bones becoming more prominent. That kind of thing. I find myself constantly preoccupied with my hands. I work with computers all day so they are right in front me and actually my hands gave me my first signs that I am losing weight. Sometimes when I am in bed at night, I find myself feeling my shoulders, my collarbone (which amazes me to no end), my hips, my thighs, my neck, arms and elbows. I feel the muscles and tendons and ligaments move more prominently underneath my skin and remaining fat and frankly it's freakin' fascinating. I regularly look at my skin and am just now noticing some of the loose skin where I really haven't before. I notice all these little things but somehow they don't add up when I look at myself in the mirror.

I've lost a hundred pounds, I feel great but I think this next hundred pounds (hopefully to be lost in the next 5-6 months) will really be an eye opener for me. I think this next 100 will be much different in many respects. In some ways I still feel very comfortable in how I look. Yeah I've lost a significant amount of weight, but I'm still fat. Someone who last saw me three years ago probably wouldn't know any different so there is much safety in that, but I think the changes I go through in this next year are going to really test me. I think a lot of the changes will be wonderful, obviously, but I can just see some anxiety related to people not recognizing me, people treating me different, having no clue what size to wear, the added attention, etc. It's almost like the first 100 was about better health. I dropped my insulin resistance meds, my blood pressure is almost normal now, my labs are much better, I have more endurance and stamina, most of my aches and pains are gone, etc. The next hundred, I think is more about, looking different. I'm both excited and filled with trepidation which I think is normal.

This year, I will also be opening up my little sheltered world. I'll be doing much more travelling this year than last. More people will have their first glimpse at me. When my dad and sister visited, I was only two months out so there wasn't much of a physical difference (although they were kind enough to say so). Even now when I look at progress photos, I can't deny the change although in my mind it isn't all that drastic. Five months from now, however, when I go home or when my best friend visits I'll be anxious about that. I know they love me regardless of how I look, but I know in my mind I'm just the same old Tia, but they will probably flip out. It'll be good, but like I've said before I was never too worried about how I would feel about myself, I was more concerned about how much my world would change, good and bad.

I dunno. Maybe this is all just babble, I am half asleep, by the way, and headed back to bed. I don't know what the hell I ate in the last 24-36 hours but it is giving me deadly gas. Insane. I haven't had to poot like this since early on. Yaaawwwnnn. Anyway, I'm going back to bed. I need at least 2-3 more hours.

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03 January 2007


Today I woke up to a 4.8 lb weight loss, overnight mind you. That's craziness! It's just so trippy how this DS works. I mean add it up and I've "lost" 11 lbs in 4 days. I add that qualifier because you and I both know that most of that was water retention, but that also means that I was dropping weight when I thought I was gaining/maintaining. So darn cool. It also kinda sucks because on my 4 month anniversary, I had only lost 10.6 lbs for the month (which is not an average loss I really want to see right now). I had lost more, but because of holiday eating and being lax, I started retaining water weight mid month. Now four days into my 5th month, I've already lost 11 lbs. If I maintain my healthy lifestyle, I'm hoping to see a 25-30 lbs loss for month 5 and that would make me estatic especially given how crappy December was.

My walk today was pretty uneventful. 38 minutes. I suspect by Sunday I may have it down to 35. I overdressed this morning. I checked the weather, it said 38 degrees so I wore a t-shirt and two long sleeve shirts over it. Way too much PLUS I had my binder on. By the time I got home and peeled off the layers my binder and t-shirt were both pretty damp. Ick.

Anyway, I'm outta here, I actually have a lot of work to do today because I really want to catch the Sugar Bowl tonight. There are but a precious few college games left before we enter a long hiatus of boring sports. Sucks.

02 January 2007


My mom and sister have been trying to convince me to buy some kind of body support, like a girdle or something. When mom first recommended I flat out refused for a variety of reasons all born out of the contempt I still harbor after she made me wear one in friggin grade school. I hated that more than I can ever articulate. Not a fun time in my life. Moving on, after talking with my sister, S, the other day, she recommended something similar mentioning that one loses weight on the inside and outside and that extra support can help along the way. Now, that is one thing I hadn't really heard about in any of the DS message boards nor have I really heard anyone mention anything like that. I know that I am a lot more jiggly, if you will, since losing over a hundred lbs. I can definitely tell when I'm exercising so I started wearing my binder again. Can you believe that? I was counting down the days when I could get rid of that thing and here I am wearing when I don't have to. Any thoughts about body support? I dunno something to think about.

Well, I had a monster day yesterday, over 1600 calories and 180 grams of protein. I slow-cooked a pot roast Sunday and it was like I never had anything so delicious in my life. Yum. I was starving all day long and I woke up down 2.2 lbs to 415.2 lbs. I suspect that when we have days where we could eat our arm that it's our body telling us to feed it more than what we have been feeding it. There is still some water retention but I think one more day will resolve that so we'll see.

I was able to complete my entire path on my walk this morning. I woke to feeling slightly sore, but I felt good the entire time. I completed it in around 39 mins. I swear, I keep increasing my distance and still end up around 39 minutes. I am going to keep walking the same distance all week and see where I end up Sunday.


01 January 2007

Where's my cane?

I feel like an old lady. My legs are killing me. Saturday, I decided to increase the distance of my walk because I wanted to start doing at least 45 minutes instead of the 37-39 minutes I usually do. Anyway, I added an extra loop around a section of the park. So I'm walking at a decent clip and this fast paced song comes on my iPod and I decide to walk to the rhythm of it and I'm trucking along, got my legs going, my arms are pumping, I'm feeling good. As the song ends I think, what the hell, I'm gonna repeat it and keep going. I do this maybe 6 or 7 times which adds up to around 25 mins of brisk walking way more than I usually do. I cool down for about 10 more minutes and I go home feeling great. My legs ache but it's the usual post workout ache so no big deal. Fast forward to yesterday morning. Lord. Have. Mercy. My legs hurt like crazy, but I go for my walk anyway. I'm out there about 40 minutes with about 15-20 minutes of brisk walking. My legs hurt all the rest of the day. I have to think twice every time I want to get up. This morning, my legs are like spaghetti, they feel a little better, less pain, but a little weaker, if that even makes sense. I couldn't do my usual walk, I went around once and that's all she wrote for me and no part of it was brisk. Ugh. I'm gonna take it a little easy today and maybe get a little more protein & water in. Hopefully that will help the healing process. I did see a lot of new faces at the park this morning, it'll be interesting to see who sticks around. Hell, the way I'm feeling right now, I might not.... just kidding.