Insomnia. Gotta love it....

It's just past 5 AM so this may not be entirely coherent. I was just thinking about the changes I am going through. Despite feeling much healthier, I still don't feel like I look all that different. I, like many DSers and other people who have had weight loss surgery, I am intrigued by how many body feels & looks in the sense of how my hands change, noticing bones becoming more prominent. That kind of thing. I find myself constantly preoccupied with my hands. I work with computers all day so they are right in front me and actually my hands gave me my first signs that I am losing weight. Sometimes when I am in bed at night, I find myself feeling my shoulders, my collarbone (which amazes me to no end), my hips, my thighs, my neck, arms and elbows. I feel the muscles and tendons and ligaments move more prominently underneath my skin and remaining fat and frankly it's freakin' fascinating. I regularly look at my skin and am just now noticing some of the loose skin where I really haven't before. I notice all these little things but somehow they don't add up when I look at myself in the mirror.

I've lost a hundred pounds, I feel great but I think this next hundred pounds (hopefully to be lost in the next 5-6 months) will really be an eye opener for me. I think this next 100 will be much different in many respects. In some ways I still feel very comfortable in how I look. Yeah I've lost a significant amount of weight, but I'm still fat. Someone who last saw me three years ago probably wouldn't know any different so there is much safety in that, but I think the changes I go through in this next year are going to really test me. I think a lot of the changes will be wonderful, obviously, but I can just see some anxiety related to people not recognizing me, people treating me different, having no clue what size to wear, the added attention, etc. It's almost like the first 100 was about better health. I dropped my insulin resistance meds, my blood pressure is almost normal now, my labs are much better, I have more endurance and stamina, most of my aches and pains are gone, etc. The next hundred, I think is more about, looking different. I'm both excited and filled with trepidation which I think is normal.

This year, I will also be opening up my little sheltered world. I'll be doing much more travelling this year than last. More people will have their first glimpse at me. When my dad and sister visited, I was only two months out so there wasn't much of a physical difference (although they were kind enough to say so). Even now when I look at progress photos, I can't deny the change although in my mind it isn't all that drastic. Five months from now, however, when I go home or when my best friend visits I'll be anxious about that. I know they love me regardless of how I look, but I know in my mind I'm just the same old Tia, but they will probably flip out. It'll be good, but like I've said before I was never too worried about how I would feel about myself, I was more concerned about how much my world would change, good and bad.

I dunno. Maybe this is all just babble, I am half asleep, by the way, and headed back to bed. I don't know what the hell I ate in the last 24-36 hours but it is giving me deadly gas. Insane. I haven't had to poot like this since early on. Yaaawwwnnn. Anyway, I'm going back to bed. I need at least 2-3 more hours.