Confession Time

I have to make a confession. I think I lucked out with my 100 lb weight loss mark being around the holidays. To be frank, this loss freaked me out just a little bit. Here's the deal, I'm kinda scared of what's to come. Why? Because if nothing else, being fat was somewhat emotionally comfortable, something I was well-versed dealing with. I didn't like it, but I knew how to deal with it. As I lose weight and start looking and feeling different, I feel a certain amount of anxiety creeping up. It's that whole fear of success nonsense going on. Over the last two weeks I have been made very clear about how much different I look, even so much so that a couple of my cousins didn't immediately recognize me (for the record, I'm calling bullshit on that, but that's another story). Anyway, I found myself not being as compliant as I could be, maybe enjoying the holidays a little too much. Today was the first day I walked in over a week and yesterday was the first day I had a really clean food day. I feel constipated, bloated, I have edema in my legs and my weight is up. I'm not too happy right now, but at least I am fixing it.

What's going on? I really felt I was dangling my big toe on the slippery slope of sabotaging myself. Luckily, I didn't go all out. The few times I had a roasted potato or a Christmas cookie, I felt the wrath later on so that was a huge deterrent, but I know I had a little bit of something everyday. The worst was when I had lasagna for dinner one night at a friend's house. None of it made me feel good. Most of it tasted good, but all I could think about was the gas/diarrhea that was soon to come. That kinda kills the enjoyment. I tell ya what though, I feel better when I eat right. Big shock, I know, but it's at these times where things start to really solidify for me, shit, I at least I hope so. A lot of this is still new. I've never lost this weight before, I've never had this attention before, I've never been confronted with the possibility of true success. That's freaking scary.

Anyway, I'm happy things are back to normal. I don't anticipate any New Year's Day festivities. I'm contemplating making some ribs in my Nesco. Typically it's black eyed peas, but I think I'm going another route. On my walk today, which I extended by the way, I thought a lot about New Year's resolutions and I have decided to try to do 20-50 small things this year, only a few of them weight loss related. I figure it'll be much more manageable than one or two giant resolutions and it'll give me the opportunity to maybe do some things I wouldn't normally do. A couple of things that come to mind are to do a 5K walk, buy & wear a bathing suit, go swimming at the Y (at least once), paint my living room, complete 3 photo books, buy a new camera, finish the guest bedroom. Stuff like that. I'll compile a list and post it here. As far as weight loss is concerned, I'll hit my one year mark in August and I hope to be 225 lbs by this time next year. That's really my only weight loss goal. I want to continue walking, I have no delusions about that transitioning into running. I don't know about all that, but we'll see.

I hate admitting that I haven't been a good little DSer, but I guess I am just normal and need to just do the best I can. That's all I can do.