19 July 2008

This has been a good week and seems that now I am up and out everyday, the days just fly by, which I like. So Six Flags was fun and quite nerve-wracking. Rollercoasters are so not my thing, but the goal was to get on them and fit in the seats and I'm happy to say that I fit in every single one, no problems. Most of the rides were ok, but one, Goliath, gave me nightmares and I will never get on that thing again. EVER. Besides that traumatic experience, it was a great day, I even had some funnel cake and ice cream. Yum.

I am about 6 weeks away from my two year surgery anniversary and I've been thinking a lot about what I was doing this same time last year. I didn't really end my year out strong, but I definitely want to end this year on a strong note. I'm not a believer in "weight loss" windows so I do not believe mine will just magically shut closed for all eternity on the 30th of August. I still have about 30 lbs I want to lose by the end of the year. I haven't been eating the greatest, but I still continue to shrink and get smaller even though the scale doesn't always reflect it. I was floored when I purchased size 18 pants at Lane Bryant. I had picked up a size 20 and size 18 figuring I'd try on the 18's to see how close I was to wearing them. I had no idea they'd fit perfectly. I guess those size 16's are not too far off. Mind-boggling. I remember last year I struggled quite a bit with "the new Tia". It was difficult to wrap my head around this strange and different person that I was becoming, especially since internally, I felt the same. The past 6-9 months, however, I've really started to come into my own, accepting the woman I am becoming, if not outright embracing her. I'm not perfect and there is a lot of growth for me to experience, but I am confident I am heading in the right direction. Getting away from my business partner was and is a huge part of that. I keep hearing rumblings about how she's having such a hard time, and so-and-so thinks she's close to a breakdown, etc., etc., but I can't do nothing about that! I refuse to get involved. I'm not going to lie and say I don't feel some empathy for her, I can't help it, it's my nature, but I realize that there is no middle ground with this woman and it's best for me, to not be anywhere near her for the rest of my life. I am more than content and happy to do so.

On to more pleasant things, I am planning my triumphant return to my alma mater in September, gonna go see my team hopefully win a freakin' football game for a change. That would be nice. It's going to be a solo expedition this time around, was gonna go with my best friend, but he just got back from Europe and wants to conserve his remaining vacation days, plus he's not much of a football fan. I was contemplating taking my nephew, but I think I will go by myself, it was afford me the opportunity to take the leisurely walks around campus that I really enjoy and to go at my own pace. I will, of course, have my camera with me and as the campus is quite stunning, I can easily lose myself in photographic excursions. That same weekend, I hope to take a mentor of mine out to lunch or dinner, I'm a little worried about it though. I was somewhat of a basket case in college and I'm worried that she thinks I'm that same person, I would hope not, but you never know. I plan to get in touch with her a couple of weeks before I leave. Besides those football and seeing my mentor, I really, really want to buy lots and lots of alma mater related gear - t-shirts, sweatshirts, pullovers, all the stuff I have coveted, but have been unable to buy because I could never fit any of it. The last time I went there I was kindly directed to the Big & Tall section of like 4 or 5 ugly garments. Nope, not this time around, not ever again. I know I will have to restrain myself because I will want to go completely overboard, but I'm just going to set a budget and pray that I can stick to it. That's the plan anyway.

This weekend will be pretty mellow. No big plans, just gonna finish a book I've been reading and love, Middlesex by Jeffery Eugenides, and then do some cleaning the rest of the day. Tomorrow, gonna go play some tennis, woo-hoo! In August, I am going to go ahead and join the local Tennis Center and start heading over there after work everyday, I want to join a fall/winter team and need to get in shape for it and God knows I need the practice.

Alrighty then, off I go....

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15 July 2008

Looking & feeling good!

First, congrats to Kim on celebrating her 3 year surgiversary! Woo-hoo! Kim, you are my role model and you kicketh much ass! Love ya girl!

Second, allow me a moment of vanity.... sometimes I just have to celebrate stuff like this because I hardly ever, EVER felt this way pre-surgery, but, y'all, I totally looked cute today! I had a cute outfit on, my hair didn't rebel against me and most importantly, I felt fantastic. Not having to deal with BP and her madness is doing wonders for me. See:This is me at my contract gig. I am wearing a blouse I bought on sale from Lane Bryant, it's a freakin' 14/16 AND it's a little baggy round the midsection! The pants I was wearing were 18's. Boggles the mind.... If I had enough sense I would have taken a full body photo. I also had the hair going right for a change, awesomeness! It was just a great day overall.

Tomorrow, I am ditching work (they knew ahead of time) and heading to Six Flags with some folks from my Duodenal Switch Support Group! I am both scared and excited! I'm looking forward to scratching this off my list of "stuff I want to do when I lose the weight" and what makes this especially cool is that I'll be there with my fellow WLS folk. I can't think of a better group to do this with. I know they will be having many, if not all, of the same feelings I will having tomorrow. I can't wait!

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11 July 2008


I know I've been incognito as of late, but it's for a good reason. The long and short of it is that I decided to walk away from my business and specifically my business partner. I probably don't have to go into all the reasons why, if you've read my blog in the last 2+ years, you'll understand why. I really and truly credit my DS for this decision. It has given me so much more confidence in myself and it's been a gradual thing, slowly growing over the last 18 months or so in such a way that I've remained true myself, but have found the courage to really start making real changes in order to attain the kind of life that I want. The past two months I had a growing sense of displeasure with my company and working with my business partner. All the things, throughout the past three years that bothered me started to come back in mind, how I never got my own computer computer while BP was on her 3rd, how she talked down to me and made me question myself, how she is taking home close to twice as much as me, how she made me feel guilty about any good thing in my life, on and on and on.

For a long time, I looked at the situation as something I just had to endure, almost like I had a new set of dues to pay or that there was some important lesson I was supposed to learn so I had to figure out a way to get through it. In many ways it was an emotionally abusive relationship that I could not see my way clear out of. It wasn't until I approached my sister about joining the staff that things started to become clearer. She, being new and coming into it with fresh eyes and ears, was astounded at the kind of person BP was and one day she asked me a question that I will never forget and I believe it was divine intervention that she asked me: Are you happy? I couldn't answer that question, well, not true. I could answer the question, but I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something about working with BP that made me sincerely happy. Not one thing came to mind. She then asked: Do you honestly see a point in the future when things will be better? Not pie in the sky dreams and ambitions, but do you see your working relationship with BP getting better? The answer was no and that was pretty much it. I knew what I had to do. After a few hours of venting 3 years of pent up frustrations and resentment, I made the decision that I was going to call it quits and within 2 days, I packed up my stuff and left my letter of resignation on BP's dining room table. Within 15 minutes she had left me a vitriolic voicemail accusing me of playing games, threatening me with legal action and my personal favorite, claiming I couldn't leave because of "all that she had done for me" and that I owned her. To say I was incredulous is an understatement. The first few days afterwards, I was somewhat of a wreck which was why I decided to run the Peachtree Road Race, I knew if I could do it and do better than I had previously done, it would make me feel so much better, not to mention the fact that I could put all the drama aside and just focus on not keeling over at the side of the road and actually just finishing the race.

I also got an interesting phone call from one of the shareholders who happens to be BP's sister imploring me that I couldn't leave, that she (along with maybe a couple other shareholders) had talked earlier that day and were planning on coming down to Atlanta to either (1) talk BP into taking a break and allowing more level-headed and normal people to take the reins and/or (2) put the chic on some Prozac or something. I told her that the same old crap wasn't going to work for me at all. I should note that this is the same person who convinced me to come back the last time. She said to give her a chance to come in town and talk to BP about this whole situation and that drastic changes needed to be made in order to save the company. She also expressed that I was the backbone of the company, there wouldn't be a company without me, etc., etc., blah blah blah and pleaded with me to provide minimal support to the staff through July and attend a meeting at the end of the month when she gets in town at which point she'll confront BP about all that is wrong. I reluctantly agreed. I did feel a little bad about ditching them with no technical support so I didn't have a problem playing that role while they tried to find someone else. During the past few days however, I've admittedly been back and forth about leaving and going. I was smart enough to start a contract position this past Monday that I really like. It's much more money, in a much friendlier and professional environment and I don't have to work all day and night. I get to dress up (“business casual” casual) and work with people that are intelligent, articulate, friendly and just plain cool. I get to drink limitless cups of gourmet coffee with Splenda from the break room and buy stir fry or Cuban sandwiches from the cafeteria. I have a name badge. I like it a lot.

What I see now is that the only way I could go back is if BP wasn't there. It would have to be a "me or her" kind of thing and unless BP kicks the bucket, it's just not going to work. There is nothing that can be said by her or any of the shareholders that will change my mind. I realized this just last night after yet again, going back and forth about what I wanted to do. I finally realized that I was kidding myself if I ever thought it could ever work out, even if she was on high doses of some kind of mood-stabilizing drug. It just could not work and frankly, I just don't want to do it anymore. I just don't. The damage is done, that part of my life is just about over, there is more in the world and in this life for me to do. It took me a week, but I am finally at peace about it, in fact, I found myself nearly giddy and absolutely beaming. When I first made the decision, I didn't feel that way, but now I do. This is what "I'm so done" feels like. I will still meet with the shareholders at the end of the month, but instead of letting them know what it will take to bring me back, I will say my final cya's. As of August 1, 2008, I will be done with that chapter of my life with already a good headstart on the next. I'm absolutely excited about it. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, it's good enough for me to know that I will not be in the same depressing and toxic situation ever again.

So, that's probably the last of that you'll hear from me about that subject unless something interesting happens between now and the end of the month. Anyway, I ordered a DVD of my Peachtree Road Race photos. They totally crack me up, by the way. I never see action shots of myself and to see that I'm not much bigger than some of the folks I'm "running" with is just amazing!

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05 July 2008

One step after the next...

I know I don't look it, but I'm prety ecstatic in this photo:

After all the back and forth, I decided to go ahead and run the Peachtree Road Race 10K yesterday and I'm so glad I did. The emotional ups and down from the previous couple of days were taking their toll and this was just thing that could allow me to push all that crap out of my head and focus on a very difficult physical challenge. In short, it was just one of those things I needed to do and I'm so very glad I did. I don't like to brag, but I totally kicked ass! That's a completely relative statement, but goshdarnit, I rocked! My previous 10K, I ran in 2 hours and 30 minutes and came in an unremarkable next to last. This time, I shaved about 45 minutes off my time and finished in about an hour and 45 minutes AND I was NOT last, not by any stretch of the imagination! How awesome is that?! I felt really good this race, I had my iPod and pretty much jammed the whole way through. The race itself was amazing, it's hard to describe the thrill of running (walking) with 55,000 other folks not to mention the thousands of folks who lined up and down the streets, cheering for you. It was invigorating and I will most likely do this particular race again, it was a complete 180° than the first one I did. Post-race I was a little whoozy and having to walk like another 1/2 mile between picking up t-shirts and getting to the Marta station was almost too much, but I made it home in one piece! Woo-hoo!

Y'know the big thing I had to do, well, I did it, it was not easy and frankly one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but it was something I most definitely needed to do. I certainly don't regret it and a residual effect of doing it has opened some other folks' eyes as well. I can't really go into it right now, maybe at some other time. It was a good thing and although it isn't completely resolved right now, it will be shortly.

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