Happy?

I know I've been incognito as of late, but it's for a good reason. The long and short of it is that I decided to walk away from my business and specifically my business partner. I probably don't have to go into all the reasons why, if you've read my blog in the last 2+ years, you'll understand why. I really and truly credit my DS for this decision. It has given me so much more confidence in myself and it's been a gradual thing, slowly growing over the last 18 months or so in such a way that I've remained true myself, but have found the courage to really start making real changes in order to attain the kind of life that I want. The past two months I had a growing sense of displeasure with my company and working with my business partner. All the things, throughout the past three years that bothered me started to come back in mind, how I never got my own computer computer while BP was on her 3rd, how she talked down to me and made me question myself, how she is taking home close to twice as much as me, how she made me feel guilty about any good thing in my life, on and on and on.

For a long time, I looked at the situation as something I just had to endure, almost like I had a new set of dues to pay or that there was some important lesson I was supposed to learn so I had to figure out a way to get through it. In many ways it was an emotionally abusive relationship that I could not see my way clear out of. It wasn't until I approached my sister about joining the staff that things started to become clearer. She, being new and coming into it with fresh eyes and ears, was astounded at the kind of person BP was and one day she asked me a question that I will never forget and I believe it was divine intervention that she asked me: Are you happy? I couldn't answer that question, well, not true. I could answer the question, but I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something about working with BP that made me sincerely happy. Not one thing came to mind. She then asked: Do you honestly see a point in the future when things will be better? Not pie in the sky dreams and ambitions, but do you see your working relationship with BP getting better? The answer was no and that was pretty much it. I knew what I had to do. After a few hours of venting 3 years of pent up frustrations and resentment, I made the decision that I was going to call it quits and within 2 days, I packed up my stuff and left my letter of resignation on BP's dining room table. Within 15 minutes she had left me a vitriolic voicemail accusing me of playing games, threatening me with legal action and my personal favorite, claiming I couldn't leave because of "all that she had done for me" and that I owned her. To say I was incredulous is an understatement. The first few days afterwards, I was somewhat of a wreck which was why I decided to run the Peachtree Road Race, I knew if I could do it and do better than I had previously done, it would make me feel so much better, not to mention the fact that I could put all the drama aside and just focus on not keeling over at the side of the road and actually just finishing the race.

I also got an interesting phone call from one of the shareholders who happens to be BP's sister imploring me that I couldn't leave, that she (along with maybe a couple other shareholders) had talked earlier that day and were planning on coming down to Atlanta to either (1) talk BP into taking a break and allowing more level-headed and normal people to take the reins and/or (2) put the chic on some Prozac or something. I told her that the same old crap wasn't going to work for me at all. I should note that this is the same person who convinced me to come back the last time. She said to give her a chance to come in town and talk to BP about this whole situation and that drastic changes needed to be made in order to save the company. She also expressed that I was the backbone of the company, there wouldn't be a company without me, etc., etc., blah blah blah and pleaded with me to provide minimal support to the staff through July and attend a meeting at the end of the month when she gets in town at which point she'll confront BP about all that is wrong. I reluctantly agreed. I did feel a little bad about ditching them with no technical support so I didn't have a problem playing that role while they tried to find someone else. During the past few days however, I've admittedly been back and forth about leaving and going. I was smart enough to start a contract position this past Monday that I really like. It's much more money, in a much friendlier and professional environment and I don't have to work all day and night. I get to dress up (“business casual” casual) and work with people that are intelligent, articulate, friendly and just plain cool. I get to drink limitless cups of gourmet coffee with Splenda from the break room and buy stir fry or Cuban sandwiches from the cafeteria. I have a name badge. I like it a lot.

What I see now is that the only way I could go back is if BP wasn't there. It would have to be a "me or her" kind of thing and unless BP kicks the bucket, it's just not going to work. There is nothing that can be said by her or any of the shareholders that will change my mind. I realized this just last night after yet again, going back and forth about what I wanted to do. I finally realized that I was kidding myself if I ever thought it could ever work out, even if she was on high doses of some kind of mood-stabilizing drug. It just could not work and frankly, I just don't want to do it anymore. I just don't. The damage is done, that part of my life is just about over, there is more in the world and in this life for me to do. It took me a week, but I am finally at peace about it, in fact, I found myself nearly giddy and absolutely beaming. When I first made the decision, I didn't feel that way, but now I do. This is what "I'm so done" feels like. I will still meet with the shareholders at the end of the month, but instead of letting them know what it will take to bring me back, I will say my final cya's. As of August 1, 2008, I will be done with that chapter of my life with already a good headstart on the next. I'm absolutely excited about it. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, it's good enough for me to know that I will not be in the same depressing and toxic situation ever again.

So, that's probably the last of that you'll hear from me about that subject unless something interesting happens between now and the end of the month. Anyway, I ordered a DVD of my Peachtree Road Race photos. They totally crack me up, by the way. I never see action shots of myself and to see that I'm not much bigger than some of the folks I'm "running" with is just amazing!