28 November 2007

Are we having fun yet?

No. I am ready to admit it. I am not having fun at work. Not at the moment. It's boring and tedious and most of all, it's kinda lonely. I am the only technical person in the company and I really miss having peers. I miss having people close by to talk shop with. I miss intelligent discourse. I miss problem solving with people who I can get down to the nuts & bolts with. Sigh.

I got a pot roast in the slow cooker and it needs about another hour before I can tear into it. I was going to do the turkey legs, but I'm all turkey'd out. With it I will have some garlic green beans, couple of dashes of hot sauce and be a happy girl. I love it when I cook really good food instead of the boring day-to-day stuff.

I have had this crick in my neck for going on two weeks and it's perplexing me why it hasn't resolved itself. I go through these phases of being uncomfortable in my body. I don't know if that is the best way to describe it, but it's like every few weeks or so I have to readjust how I move in the world otherwise I'm just an awkward, clumsy freak. The scale doesn't seem to want to move down very fast, but it seems my body has shifted much more quicker in the last month than I remember in recent memory. My hands, arms and wrists even seem to be very different to me. Very strange, but not disconcerting, but sometimes I do look at them and think "are these really *my* hands?" Since I have been obese most of my life, I think my bones and musculature are that of a much heavier person. I think my hands are really big and don't get me started on my head! Like, I love the show House Hunters and happened to catch one where Star Jones was the narrator instead of the regular hostess and her head looked huge to me and looked out of proportion, but I don't know if that is because I'm more familiar with her when she was overweight. Maybe I am projecting my own issues. Anyway, a lot of the things I used to find comfortable are not comfortable any more. I can't even sleep in my favorite fetal position because it's just awkward -- probably what caused the crick in the first place....

The other day, I'd come to the conclusion that I would be happy if I don't lose anymore weight. This, of course, is not true, but it's not entirely false. Truth be told, I am tired of dieting. Oh, so tired. 15 months of dieting. What has befallen me as of late is that I have become accustomed to a higher carb diet, not that I am eating any bread or sugar, but it's the mounds of non-dairy creamer in my coffee that has 1 gram of carbs per teaspoon (and I use like 10) and the 5 packets of splenda (1g per). It's the pickles and for some reason, lots of them. It's the cheese I find myself eating. It's the 2-3 KFC thighs at 8g of carbs each that I allow myself to eat on some days, it's the mediocre quality sausages with 3-7g of carbs that I indulge in. Crap like that. This month, more than any other month is what my long term meals will probably most resemble. I didn't try all that hard. At times, I feel like I don't want to try all that hard, maybe this is good enough. I don't know, I think it's the fear issue rearing it's ugly head. Fear of success. I want to succeed, but I am afraid of what succeeding means for me. Complete unknown. Maybe it's a lack of motivation. Maybe it's because all the major things I wanted to do "when I lost all the weight" I've been able to do. Maybe it's because there are other parts of my life I am unhappy with...I'm inclined to think that might be it. Between you and me, I'm feeling a little lonely and I don't know how to fix. I wear the mark of an introvert and have always been painfully shy and suck at the whole social thing. Much like clothes shopping, being social/making friends is hard! Ugh. Yet another thing to work on...

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3 Comments:

Blogger Aussieabroad said...

Man I wished I lived closer... I would so be honored to have you as a friend Tia.

Your post really resonated with me. I too am struggling at almost a year out. Your thoughts about already being able to do what you wanted to at 'goal weight' is true of me too... I hadn't thought about it though...

Just wanted to send you some hugs. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.hylda

November 28, 2007 at 9:42 PM  
Blogger sparkly_jules said...

I'm with aussieabroad ^ I'd love to hang out. I'd go shopping with you--I love shopping--and I've worked in retail, too, so I know a deal when I see one.

I understand those feelings of loneliness, of being introverted, and wanting more friends. I suck at the friend thing. Totally. I so get what you are saying here.

It's hard to step outside of ones comfort zone, and you've stepped waaaaaaay outside of yours in this last year. Be patient with yourself. Good things will come.

warm wishes,

Jules

November 28, 2007 at 9:48 PM  
Blogger Missy said...

Hey Tia, your blog has helped me so much. I feel as if I know you. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at luvscure1@gmail.com I would love to chat with you. Sending hugs your way.

Fatima

November 28, 2007 at 10:07 PM  

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