18 September 2007


I've been outed. I was on a conference call with my business partner and a young woman we just hired to start working for our company. She's the former colleague who inquired about a position with us several weeks ago. BP tells the girl that she should see me now! That I had the "gastric bypass" (I can't tell you how many times I told her it was not a gastric bypass) and am so skinny, blah blah blah. At first I was like, WTF? I didn't say anything and it's not like I am trying to keep a secret, but I am unsure if the girl is going to start telling our mutual acquaintances. I'm reserving my right to be annoyed.

Well, I definitely figured out the cause of my sour mood the past few days. In college I had this really great, great friend. He was a junior my freshman year and he basically befriended me and took me under his wing. I won't go into all the details but was just a wonderful, genuine person and unfortunately, I didn't realize it at the time and didn't try very hard to keep in touch after he graduated. I was a weird kid in college, just a lot of emotional issues and I didn't have the skills to handle a lot of things in my life. Over the years, however, I really matured and came into my own, but it did take awhile. Around this time, I started thinking about my friend, what he might be up to, I had heard a few things here and there but most of my attempts to find him came up short. Fast forward to last week. I was reviewing our orders for the day for my business and I see his last name which is pretty unique, but not completely unheard of. I thought to myself "no way, it can't be!", but sure enough, it was -- confirming for me that there are no coincidences and things happen for a reason. Anyway, I wasn't 100% sure so I emailed a somewhat formal email to the address on file and hoped I had the right guy and waited ... and waited ... and waited. After several days, I was so disappointed, I guess moreso than I thought. I started thinking that maybe he wanted nothing to do with me, that maybe I was weirder back in school than I thought, etc. I told myself that reaching out should be enough and if he didn't want to connect with me that would be fine. I was bummed all the way up until yesterday when he emailed me back and was happy to hear from me! Talk about making my day! My mood now is like a total 180 degrees. I still am frustrated and annoyed by the other stuff, but I am so happy to be back in touch with my friend.

Anyway, I went to the grocery store, actually two, yesterday and spent like an hour and a half trying to find new stuff to eat. I bought some scallops, Dreamfield's pasta (macaroni and linguini), alfredo & cheddar sauces, ground turkey, a pot roast, some deli meats, low carb wraps (15g of carbs, 8g fiber), cheese (real cheese not processed) and a variety of other things. I am reintroducing cheese in moderation, maybe a slice a day in my lunch wraps. I made a super beefy "cheesy" mac & cheese. I used 2 1/2 lbs of beef, an onion, 1/2 a box of Dreamfields, unGodly amounts of butter (for creamy and deliciousness) and a jar of the cheddar sauce. I divided it into 8 servings which, in retrospect, are a tad big, but I can probably just split a serving into two. Anyway, each serving has 30g protein, 49 grams of fat (yum) and 5g of effective carbs. Freakin' delicious! I am going to make the pot roast with onions and green beans this weekend and divvy it up into portions. This way, at least I will have some quick choices. Fact of the matter is, I am tired of the same old stuff, but I guess I just have to work at it a little more. Pain in the ass, but oh well.

So, I told myself I would find a gym after the 10K on Labor Day and I have yet to make any kind of decision. I think I will just continue walking/jogging til I get back from visiting my parents and then do something then. I am going to Barbados in mid-October for a week, but I should be able to pick right up afterwards.

So I'm browsing the Land's End website, well, because I can :) and I pull up their size chart and I'm eyeballing some things for fall and winter. It's still relatively warm here in Georgia, but I'm always freezing. Anyway, my business partner has this fleece vest that I have always liked and so I see one on the site and pull up the size chart for it and my head immediately hurts. This is why shopping drives me crazy. Please explain to me, somebody - anybody - the seeming disparity between the X-large and 1X. I don't get it. Is it me or does the XL seem to be "bigger" than the 1X? How does that work? What am I missing? Yeah well, the upside is that I can even stress about XL's at all.

I think I mentioned this in my rant the other day, but you know what's tripping me out lately? Bones. My bones, my body, my skeletal structure. It's so weird to feel all these bones emerging. It's the weirdest thing because it's like I never had any tactile experience of them and now I do. I touch my shoulders and can feel the bones and muscles and how they fit and work together, it's amazing. Same thing with my hips and legs, I can feel my hips and my diminishing butt and get a sense of the structure of my pelvis. I can pinch my collarbone. Wow. I feel human.

In one of her posts, Ann mentioned having a hard time dealing with compliments. When I read it I nearly jumped up and yelled "Amen, sister!" Man, they are coming fast and furious which I am not sure I like so much. BP keeps calling me skinny. I hate that. People I see at least weekly keep saying "wow" at the most random times, usually catching me off guard. At times I feel more self-conscious than I ever did when I was 500 lbs. In fact, I feel more unease about compliments now than I did, say, 3 or 4 months ago.

Yeah well, time for food!

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Blogger Fatima said...

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. I have to try that recipe for beefy cheesy mac n cheese. :)

September 19, 2007 at 2:41 PM  

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