Rambling Thoughts
I haven't felt much like working today. I've spent a great amount of time on some of the DS boards and groups reading as much as I can about the magical weight loss window, the 12-24 months each of us has to lose weight fairly easily. After the magical, mystical window closes, DSers can still lose weight, but not nearly as easily if your lucky. Frankly, this scares the shit out of me. I don't want to waste my window. The biggest disappointment for me will be to stop losing at 300 lbs. Yeah, I will have lost 200 lbs and that will be monumental, BUT that won't be enough. I do not want to be in a situation where I'm filled with regret because I didn't do enough of the right things and I'm scared that maybe I won't have the discipline to do all the right things. When I think about how I am doing now, I know I am not perfect. I am not exercising as much as I should, but I am doing more than before, and to be honest, it's not the easiest thing in the world to exercise at my size. The best I can manage nowadays is like 15-30 mins of dancing to some good music every other day.
On the water and vitamin/supplement front, I am nearly perfect as far as what I've determined my regime should be. I am hitting those marks. Food-wise, I could probably tweak my diet a little, but I think I am doing well. My carbs are less than 30 per day, my protein is well over a hundred. I don't watch my fat grams all that much only because the added fat solves my constipation issues. I don't eat/drink anything with sugar or eat any "white" foods. I have some veggies every now and again, but with getting the protein in it doesn't leave a lot of room for much else. I don't eat a lot of processed food, maybe a sausage or some hard salami every now and again, but that's it. Overall, I'd give myself an A-. I don't feel like I'm dieting per se, but I do feel like I have to watch what I eat which technically isn't all that difficult since I can't eat all that much anyway. I don't have to stress about it too much since it's very similar to how I was eating when I was an avid low-carber. There really isn't much difference so it's not new to me and all the tips and tricks I learned, I can use now.
I don't know, I guess I am just worrying for no good reason, I am, afterall only 2.5 months post-op. What the hell do I know?!? I also don't want to sound holier-than-though and look down on someone for having a cookie. It's not like that at all. I won't be surprised if at some point I want a cookie or a piece of cake or a donut. I'm sure it'll happen, but I also don't want to feel like a failure if I do. This is all reminiscent of my old dieting life. I always felt like I had to be perfect and if/when I strayed, it would spell catastrophe for my efforts. I also remember how stalls back then would be completely demoralizing. I never had the resolve to stay the course of a long stall. I would get discouraged after a few days, much like how I freaked out last month. The difference? Probably not much, only in the realization that the DS isn't a diet. I can't undo it. I didn't eat the greatest some of the days during the stall, but I didn't give up on it. I learned so much during those three weeks. It was freakin' hard. Those days were difficult to get through mostly because of the head games I played with myself. My biggest fear has always been that even with the DS, I wouldn't be able to lose the weight. The biggest thing I learned (from the dozens of people I whined to) was just to calm the !@#$ down and stick to the plan and do the right things and all will be well. When failure is all you've known in that regard, sometimes it's hard to be rational. :)
As I lose more and more weight, I'm becoming more and more of a true believer. I can't say that when I started all this that I was one. Believe you me, I had my doubts. I believed that the DS was a good thing and that it might give me a chance, but I am just now starting to really believe in it and dare to hope that I can get to where I want to be.
I tell you one thing, this surgery has really opened me up. I never talked about this kind of stuff in the past. Never. It was hidden away in my mind and my heart, but I'm grateful to the DS for opening that window. This is almost therapeutic. Y'know, it is. I can blather on and know that this is just part of the process for me and as I read other post-op's blogs I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in this, there are many who've come before me and there will be many to come after me and that my issues are not all that unique.
What a relief!
On the water and vitamin/supplement front, I am nearly perfect as far as what I've determined my regime should be. I am hitting those marks. Food-wise, I could probably tweak my diet a little, but I think I am doing well. My carbs are less than 30 per day, my protein is well over a hundred. I don't watch my fat grams all that much only because the added fat solves my constipation issues. I don't eat/drink anything with sugar or eat any "white" foods. I have some veggies every now and again, but with getting the protein in it doesn't leave a lot of room for much else. I don't eat a lot of processed food, maybe a sausage or some hard salami every now and again, but that's it. Overall, I'd give myself an A-. I don't feel like I'm dieting per se, but I do feel like I have to watch what I eat which technically isn't all that difficult since I can't eat all that much anyway. I don't have to stress about it too much since it's very similar to how I was eating when I was an avid low-carber. There really isn't much difference so it's not new to me and all the tips and tricks I learned, I can use now.
I don't know, I guess I am just worrying for no good reason, I am, afterall only 2.5 months post-op. What the hell do I know?!? I also don't want to sound holier-than-though and look down on someone for having a cookie. It's not like that at all. I won't be surprised if at some point I want a cookie or a piece of cake or a donut. I'm sure it'll happen, but I also don't want to feel like a failure if I do. This is all reminiscent of my old dieting life. I always felt like I had to be perfect and if/when I strayed, it would spell catastrophe for my efforts. I also remember how stalls back then would be completely demoralizing. I never had the resolve to stay the course of a long stall. I would get discouraged after a few days, much like how I freaked out last month. The difference? Probably not much, only in the realization that the DS isn't a diet. I can't undo it. I didn't eat the greatest some of the days during the stall, but I didn't give up on it. I learned so much during those three weeks. It was freakin' hard. Those days were difficult to get through mostly because of the head games I played with myself. My biggest fear has always been that even with the DS, I wouldn't be able to lose the weight. The biggest thing I learned (from the dozens of people I whined to) was just to calm the !@#$ down and stick to the plan and do the right things and all will be well. When failure is all you've known in that regard, sometimes it's hard to be rational. :)
As I lose more and more weight, I'm becoming more and more of a true believer. I can't say that when I started all this that I was one. Believe you me, I had my doubts. I believed that the DS was a good thing and that it might give me a chance, but I am just now starting to really believe in it and dare to hope that I can get to where I want to be.
I tell you one thing, this surgery has really opened me up. I never talked about this kind of stuff in the past. Never. It was hidden away in my mind and my heart, but I'm grateful to the DS for opening that window. This is almost therapeutic. Y'know, it is. I can blather on and know that this is just part of the process for me and as I read other post-op's blogs I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in this, there are many who've come before me and there will be many to come after me and that my issues are not all that unique.
What a relief!
POSTED at
11/13/2006 04:10:00 PM
1 Comments:
There's something liberating about writing it down in a blog isn't it. Like you, I spend so little time opening up about stuff - the blog has been a real chance for me to "look" at my thoughts... it's very healing.082298eb
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