Guy, Part II

First of all, I'm checking in at 448.6 lbs today. Woo-hoo!

A couple of things that are not necessarily clear about my previous post. Our relationship was never romantic, never sexual. During school, Guy and this one other person I'll call Gal were two people I really admired and they both happened to work together in the same office. They are about 7 years older than me and in my eyes epitomized what young, smart sophisticated people should be like. I, in some ways, idolized them. They were incredibly popular with the students because they were just downright cool, like one of us but with money, cars and off campus apartments.

At one point, I made a decision that I really wanted to be friends with them. I thought they would be a good influence on me and that I could learn a lot, plus they were a lot of fun to hang around with and that's what I did. I hung around with them a lot. In between classes, I'd go to their office and maybe make myself useful. Since I was in a bunch of clubs, a couple of which they were advisors for, I could make like I was stopping by for club reason. Overtime as I became more of fixture in their day to day, the relationships changed from advisor-student to more of a friendship. We'd talk about our families, growing up, campus gossip, etc. We'd start helping each other out, if I needed a ride to the grocery store, Gal would take me. If Guy needed some computer help, I'd offer.

Slowly, I became really emotionally involved. During this time, I kept a journal and when I go back and read it now, I am amazed at how ... what's the word... obsessive, I was about him. Half the time I laugh about it, the other half I feel really sad for the girl I was back then. I had never had nor have I since had a relationship like that.

During the time I was school and when we were hanging out, I felt like we were building a pretty decent friendship even though I was constantly questioning it. A lot of it was my insecurity, a lot of it his. My crush didn't help things at all.

I feel like I'm rambling, like I'm making a very poor attempt at giving a clear picture of something that really isn't. Let me wrap it up. There wasn't one huge thing that made me start thinking differently about the relationship. I just started to get tired of having to do all the work. Giving and giving and getting very little back and I'm not talking stuff. At some point, you just questioning yourself "Is this friendship worth it?" and when you start doing that a lot, well then, I guess you really have your answer.

I feel bad because for a long time I felt like this person would be in my life forever. I'd go to his wedding, he'd go to mine. We'd meet up maybe once a year at College, I'd call him about business advice, he'd call me about some alumni crap he thought I'd be interested in. The thing is, it really hinged on him being a better version of himself. I figured with time, he'd grow up a little, but in the last 10 years, he's still the same person doing the same silly shit he did before.

I didn't expect this to preoccupy most of my day, but I guess it's not a bad thing to pause and reflect at what looks like the definitive decline of a friendship. I told my sister once that Guy was dangerous for me. Not that I was ever fearful of him, it was that I couldn't trust that I wouldn't compromise who I am for him. And that's it. Who knows what the future holds. Who knows what will happen when I do run into him again. I know it will happen, it's just a matter of time. I just hope and pray that it amounts to nothing at all.