Anxiety

I did not have a great day today. Like I mentioned previously, I had decided that I would go to St. Louis for Christmas. I got up this morning with the goal of buying my ticket, but as I started searching, I realized that most of the direct flights were on these little planes, 50 seaters or less and quite unexpectedly I started to get really emotional about getting on an airplane. I was in tears. Why? I really, really, really do not want to fly. I do not want to get on an airplane right now. I just don't. Completely irrational, but these planes have 1 seat on one side and 2 on the other, I mean they are tiny and I just don't want to go through the anxiety of having to deal with being the big fat woman on a tiny plane. I just don't want to.

I thought that my trip to and from Brazil was going to be my last pride-swallowing, soul-sucking plane trip for at least a year where I could lose a ton of weight and not have to be stressed out anymore about flying anywhere. I was and am still quite shocked at my reaction because I honestly didn't think I felt this way, but when confronted with it, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't buy the ticket and that has bummed me out all day. Y'know I can't say that there have been many things in my adult life that have been truly hurtful and demoralizing when it comes to my weight. But I tell you what, almost all of them have been related to dealing with flying. I'm not going to go into the gory details, but it can be the most difficult thing a morbidly obese person can deal with. I don't ever want to have to do that crap again. Luckily my wonderful sister understood and she will be the first person I go fly to when I'm ready.

Sigh. There was a reason when I talk about the things I look forward to when I am no longer fat I talk about fitting and not having to negotiate my way in the world. I just want to fit, that's all. I don't want to sky-dive or bungie jump, I just want to be normal and not have to ever, ever be embarassed about my weight again. I want to fit in any chair, any airplane seat, any booth, on the floor, at a football game, on a roller coaster, in a sports car. That's all. I'll be perfectly happy when I can do that.