Size 10

I acquired a pair of size 10 pants from B at my support group meeting Thursday night and I've spent an inordinate amount of time starting at them. It's my dream size. At one point yesterday, after staring at them yet again, I caught myself thinking to myself that I will never be that small and I realized that I was essentially setting myself up to never be a size 10. I've often caught myself thinking less than positive thoughts and I truly believe that you manifest what you put out in the world. The words I strive to live by are this:

Thought is creative.
Fear attracts like energy.
Love is all there is.

If I put out negativity/failure/disappointment into the world, that is exactly what I get back, so this is a roundabout way for me to say that I will be a size 10. I will wear those pants and they are currently prominently displayed in my bedroom as a reminder of where I want to be. I may even start to take my progress photos with me holding them up, as a reference of sorts.

At support group, we had a clinical psychologist lead the discussion. Almost immediately we strayed away from his Powerpoint presentation and spent the next two hours basically having a group discussion about all things DS/WLS. We talked about strategies for success, our fears and everything in between. I tossed in my two cents about an ongoing concern I have about being the same person when I get skinny. Skinny is a completely foreign concept to me, I don't know what that is, I don't know what that feels like and it's a little scary when I think about getting there. My weight loss has been sluggish as of late, I'd say the last 4-6 weeks or so. I think it's because I am right at that threshold where things are starting to be really different for me. I think I've been dealing with a little self-sabotage, maybe not being as vigilant as I should and then getting unduly frustrated at the lack of consistent progress. It's been said once, it's been said a thousand times, they operate on your body, not your head. That is why support group is so important for me. I need my DS friends to keep me in check, to remind me I'm not alone and to celebrate and commiserate with. I'm not sure where I'd be without it.

One thing I did take away from the head doc was that there were four components for success:

1. Follow your doctor's orders and work your plan (nutrition/water/supplements).
2. Regularly attend a support group.
3. Exercise.
4. Keep your head out of the sand. Do NOT be oblivious.

I've been lacking in #1 and #3. I am restarting my walking program as of tomorrow, I really miss the "alone/me" time. Since it's been awhile, I am going to do at least one mile, two if I feel I can do it without passing out. #1 is a constant work in progress, but at least I am always working on getting it right. I am going to bump up my protein a little bit. I've been feeling a little sluggish lately. It could be the new working schedule, but with the addition of exercise, I need a little insurance.

Well, I weighed in today at 378.4. My goal to reach 316.0 by mid June is attainable if I can kick start my metabolism with increased protein and exercise. Regardless I'd still like to lose another 100 lbs by my one year anniversary. That would be divine. At times, I think, shit, I still have 200+ lbs to lose, but I do have to remember that I do have 18 more months to get it done. The first 6 months are always the most dynamic, now I am entering the long haul and need to re-evaluate some of the things I am doing. Whoever said this was easy is nuts!

One thing that Kim said that caught my attention was that consuming sweet-tasting no/low sugar stuff still affects your body in negative ways. Your body is still getting "sweet" signals. I read something about this some time ago, I wanna say that it was shown that your insulin still kicks in when you consume a lot of artificially sweetened food and drinks. My problem as of late has been sugar free drinks and sodas. I can chug that crap all day, I even found myself making the stuff sweeter than normal. Well, as of right now, no more of that stuff. My overall carbs have been in the 40-60 grams per day range. Friday I was dealing with a bout of constipation. Can you believe that crap (pun intended)? The culprit was the acidophilus. The first bottle I bought at GNC had 1 billion microorganism per pill. They firmed up my poop great. I took one pill twice a day. The second bottle I bought online at vitacost.com. Each of those pills has 10 billion microorganisms per pill. Thosse bad boys caused me to clog up bad. Good grief. It's been months since I've had to bitch about constipation. Today, I gave them a rest. I think I will go back to the less potent variety. They seemed to work good enough.