Where do I start...

... well, I am still in Texas and should be back in Atlanta sometime on Tuesday. Dad has been through a lot, but thank God above, he is well on his way to being 100%, although it looks like it will take some time. I don't have the energy to go into all the details (as this has been such an emotional and physical roller coaster), but boy, I have to say that was one of the most difficult weeks of my entire life, I certainly feel like I've tapped some reserves of strength that I didn't know I had. I feel like I can leave here knowing that mom and dad will be okay. I am also a little frustrated, for the most part I've carried the burden myself, my brother who flew in a few days ago is utterly useless, it's incredibly frustrating. He was born a full 10 years after my sister and was spoiled absolutely rotten and hasn't managed to slough off any of his old tendencies in the past 10-15 years. I was born 1.5 years after him and I get called spoiled, but I'd argue I am anything but. I've been running around for over a week handling practically everything, he spent the last few days bitching about how hot it is, complaining about nothing being on TV and rolling his eyes when asked to do the slightest thing or God forbid, pay for his own meal every now and again. My mistake for thinking he might actually show some maturity at a time like this. Sigh. My expectations of him are now sufficiently lower.

It is going to be HARD leaving here in a couple of days, I'm not sure how I will do it, but I will. I'm exhausted, emotionally and mentally mostly, not so much physically although I tend to get really physically tired by the end of the day. I have been trying to get in over 120+ grams of protein but I honestly don't know. The last few days I've been drinking at least one 52g protein shake and have been trying to get in 1 or 2 Atkins ready-to-drink ones. My diet has kinda sucked, I'm just too busy and wired to really focus on it, but I'm mindful of at least getting in the bare minimum protein and needless to say the carbs have been a bit out of control. Oh well, I'm not too concerned about that right now. I have been taking my supplements though, at least the daily ones. It's been tough getting in the Calcium, but I'll pop a couple of chewable tablets when I remember to do so. Instead of water, I've been drinking lots of diet beverages, at least it's not full sugar ones. I also have no idea how much I weigh, don't really care right now.

I reckon when I get back to Atlanta and have resettled into my routine that the weight of all of this will hit me at some point. My mind, right now, is really focused on accomplishing the list of things I need to do before I leave. Getting those things done will really ease my mind.

Have I mentioned how exhausted I am, yet? Well, I am. Unbelievable.

F*ck

I am headed home to Texas in the morning, dad's currently in surgery for pericardial effusion due to chronic kidney diseas. If you're the praying/swinging chickens/vou-dou/positive-vibes type, would appreciate it right about now.

Labels: NotSoGood

Hot!

Went to my tennis lesson today. We learned backhand volley's and backhand strokes. It was way fun! I feel like I am learning much faster than with my other instructor. The people in my class are cool as well. It was only around 75° outside, but it felt like it's 90° We played on clay courts so maybe that has something to do with it. We also did quite a bit of running around. We have next Sunday off BUT we will have a two hour session the following Sunday, kinda worried about that, but I'm sure we'll have a water break or two. Good stuff! Have I told you lately how much I enjoy tennis? I don't feel like I'm exercising when I play, granted, I'm in the learning stages so it's lots of instruction and drills, but I'm never constantly checking the time to find out if it's time to quit, every little thing I learn about or improve upon just makes me want to do it more and I'm fairly confident that someday I can get decent at it. When I run, my mind is always on something else, when I play tennis, it's only on playing tennis. As soon as my beginner clinic is over, I am moving to the 2nd level and will supplement that class with a weekly drill class.

Went out last night and got home relatively early, around 2 AM. It was okay, not what I expected, but it was good to go out. Weight this morning continues to drop, weighed in at 260.6, that's down over 10 lbs in 3 days....gotta love water weight! I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing, it seems to be working. I do feel better as well. It's still 10+ lbs from my lowest, but it took me over 3 weeks to get into this predicament, so it'll take some time to get back to normal.

BP is not too pleased with me. She's not mad, but I can tell something is bothering her, she's been playing a few passive aggressive games, been flippant, etc. I only 1/2 care. I think the problem is that when I was 500+ lbs, she could always count on me having no life, not leaving my house and spending my free time at the computer doing work or lending a sympathetic ear to all her issues. Not so much now. I hardly work on the weekends anymore and frankly our business is at the point where the long, tedious days are behind us. I'm not sure what her deal is, like I mentioned before I do think she is having some issues with her own weight gain and I do feel some sympathy because God knows I know how difficult life can be when you feel you are too heavy, I suspect deep down she doesn't like the fact that I am more active, that I do have some semblance of a social life. I don't exactly have the social life I ultimately want, but it is greatly improved and I'm not going to be or feel "stuck" anymore. It seems like I wasn't the only one comfortable with my past life. Not that I think I'm the center of the universe or anything, but it's always interesting for me to see how my weight loss affects other people.

Labels: Hmmm, Scale Wars, Tennis

Out and about.

Got a busy day today. We have a staff meeting today which will kill a few hours and then I have to play tech support and upgrade software on several company computers and troubleshoot a laptop that has Vista on it. My gut reaction is to say "I hate Vista" but I don't use Vista, I'm sticking with the nightmare I'm already familiar with - XP. I have to go to the bank and I want to sneak in some tennis today, but I'm not sure I can before it gets dark.

The protein bar that almost killed me yesterday was ISS OhYeah! Protein Wafer described as "A Scrumptious Creme Filled Wafer Loaded with Protein". Uhm, no, tastes like shit.

Weighed in at 266 lbs this morning, down 5 lbs from yesterday after a day where I consumed (mostly through shakes/drinks) almost 300 grams of protein. That number is a little suspect because I'm not sure of the quality of the two shakes I drank in the morning. Do protein mixes degrade over time? Still a good 15 lbs over where I was, but making progress. The body is an amazing thing, ain't it? I just have to be more careful when it comes to protein, I should not have gone weeks and weeks without getting in adequate protein, part of the reason is the traveling and subsequent sickness, but if nothing else, I need to consistently track my food in Fitday, well at least track my protein. I never have low protein days when I track my food.

Ok, then, time to get moving. Already had an Isopure this morning and will make breakfast in a few minutes. My meeting is at noon, so I will grab a couple of Isopure's as I walk out the door, one for during the meeting and one for a few hours later. It seems like a lot but I'd rather be safe than sorry!

Labels: Nutrition, Scale Wars

Gag

Here's a tip...when you see protein bars in the bargain bin for 59¢, know that they are there for a reason. Do not ever think they might taste okay, because they DO NOT. Blech! So, it's freakin' beautiful here in Atlanta so I went out and ran and then hit some tennis balls on the hand ball courts for 1/2 an hour. Afterwards, I feeling a little lightheaded so I ventured off to the nearby GNC because I had to pick up some probiotics and wanted to pick up some Isopure Zero Carb RTD's because I gotta push the protein pretty hard the next couple of days. Anyway, right by the counter in a cute little basket are these protein bars for 59¢ so I figure, what the hell, I buy a couple and scarf one down so I won't pass out. Big mistake. Let me ask you a question, your mouth isn't supposed to TINGLE and feel NUMB when you eat a protein bar, is it? Christ Almighty, never again!

TMI-time. I spent a good portion of my night last night pooping foamy poop. Good times. And of course when I get on the scale this morning it reads, 271.0 lbs. WTF?!? I ain't panicking just yet, I want to get in 4-5 days of high protein, low carbs before I start freakin' out. I have to say though, the nice weather works wonders for my mood and overall mental health! During the day, I am no longer freezing! Woo-hoo!

Labels: Running, Scale Wars, Tennis, TMI

Month 20

A blur. My lowest weight for the month was 251.2 lbs, it went downhill from there. I started my Dostinex and ever since then I've been retaining water like a freaking sponge. I'm also retaining water because for a good 2-3 weeks I hadn't been eating as much protein as I should have, especially over my trip and the two weeks I have been battling this annoying cold & allergies. I still have some residual sniffling and a cough that is sloooowwly resolving. My sense ofsmell and sense of taste are also slowly returning which has made it incredibly difficult to try to get the nutrition in that I need PLUS it's been easier to get in crappy food instead of good protein. So, for my sanity's sake, I am putting down 251.2 for the month which isn't remarkable, but here's what is. Remember that new scale I got the measures body fat, skeletal mass, etc. Well, a day like today is exactly why I got it. Early January, I had, on average, 130 lbs of body fat, as of today, that's down to 110-111 lbs, pretty awesome! This gives me much comfort when I step and the scale and it !@#$-ing reads 268.8 lbs! Yes, my friends, 268.8 lbs! That's almost 20 lbs of water and most since I got back. I'm really panicking too much because I know it's water weight and I know what I have to do to lose it. Sigh. My clothes still fit fine, but I certainly feel and see it in my legs and feet. If I have learned anything over the last 20 months is to stick to the plan and everything falls into place. I've been so out of whack this month that I know when things get back to normal and I know I can trust my DS to get me to where I want to go.

This month I also did some shopping! I bought two dresses which is something remarkable for me, I am so very excited to wear them and I will get my first opportunity this weekend. I spent a couple of hours on the phone with my sister, S, as she guided me through the wonderful world of shoes. If you thought my sense of fashion when it comes to clothes was lacking, my notions of cute shoes is downright abysmal. Most of the comes from the fact that I have large feet, well, I had prohibitively large feet pre-surgery, around a size 13, now I wear a size 11.5 wide. This barely puts me in the range of cute shoes. What's funny is that I just realized this a couple of weeks ago when I was going through a pile of shoes my mom had set aside for me and much to my surprise, a lot of the 11's (what can I say, we're tall women) were barely too small. What a shock! Long story, short, she walked me through a couple of shoe stores online and I feel fairly confident in the 3-4 pairs of shoes I bought, one of them even has 2 1/2" heels! Awesome!

I didn't play as much tennis as I would have liked because I did go out of town and it's been raining more than usual lately, but I have been enjoying myself when I do go out and I absolutely love my tennis lessons. The running hasn't been happening because I do not like it but I do have to get serious again because the 10K is in only a couple of months and I would like to be able to run 1-2 miles at a time without stopping. I swear, once that race is over, no more running for me. By then I should be starting on a tennis team and can occupy my time with that. I mentioned before that tennis is huge in Atlanta so there are like three major tennis leagues, from what I can gleam, USTA, ALTA and T2. BP and her husband are in all three and probably play tennis 4-5 times a week and that's seriously running around the court, competition. I'd like to work up to that so that tennis will be my primary source of exercise OR I might take up something else. I really want to get into some kind of martial arts, I think, maybe kick-boxing or something. I don't know, we'll see.

I do still think a lot about goal weight. I was flipping channels last night when I caught the tail end of Celebrity Fit Club. I guess it's a show where celebrity's compete to lose the most weight or something, but I happened to see the weigh in of one celebrity (I forget her name, starts with a T) and one of the judges gave her a big congratulations because she had finally reached a normal BMI. Then on the flipside, this past weekend, I saw a show on Discovery Health about a 627 lb woman who had a RNY and one of the things she said was that she had no expectations of ever being a size 10 which caught my attention and at another point her doctor said that for people like her, getting to "normal" wasn't the goal, that for her she would always be obese, but by losing 200-400 lbs would be such a great benefit. Things like that make me go back and forth on the whole goal weight issue. Despite all the gyrations I often go through, I am sticking to 199 as my goal, the one thing I am changing about goal is when I would like to get there. Instead of trying to reach that by my 2 year anniversary (which at this rate ain't happenin' -- possible, but not likely), I am giving myself til the end of the year. That's 8 months to lose 50 or so lbs. This will give me the opportunity to develop long-term, sustainable, healthy habits which is very, very, very important to me. I want to get to goal, but I want the tools in place to stay there. I don't want to be spending much time still trying to figure things out.

In May, I am cutting back on the cheese and low carb breads. I need to give my innards a rest. I need to give my whole system a rest, being sick for almost two weeks is not fun. I'm also getting rid of my glasses and getting contacts AND will be doing something with my hair, I'm not sure what, but I suspect it will be much shorter in length. I'm mildly excited about that.

Anywho,

Labels: Health, Nutrition, Scale Wars, WTF

Gracias

Gosh. Your comments from my "dress" post the other day definitely lifted my spirits and I feel so much better today. I really, really appreciate the love, y'all have no idea how much! I'm one of those types that gets lost in the numbers and have often given more meaning to things like weight or size moreso than how I feel and look. It hit me last night that I, Tia, actually bought two dresses without being under duress. I wasn't kidding when I said I hadn't worn a dress in 15-20 years. For so long I felt like a giant asexual blob. It was a rare, rare moment when I've felt dainty or girly or even pretty. Now I've been known to have a good hair day here and there, but to feel womanly, with curves and feel attractive, I can't even remember the last time and do I dare admit to having NEVER felt that way? I have my first opportunity to wear one of my dresses in a social setting next weekend for a birthday celebration at an Atlanta club. It should be fun!

Thank God for Zyrtec because it is the only drug that seems to be working. I almost feel normal now, no more runny nose, I still have some chest congestion and some lingering pressure in my ears. My biggest problem now is that my sense of smell and my sense of taste are still out of whack. I can only really taste and smell things if they have a really strong flavor or odor. I'm still trying to nurse as many hot beverages as I can and my appetite returned with a vengeance yesterday which is good because I have really bad edema from poor protein nutrition, not only from the week I've been sick, but from when I was in Texas as well. Not good, so I'm working on getting in over 200 grams or more a day (mostly from protein shakes). I should be back to normal by the end of the weekend.

Tomorrow and Saturday I have to attend a trade show. Boring. The only good thing is that they have a couple of auctions where based on the sales your company did the previous year, you get "Trade Show Dollars" and can get some cool stuff. I'm hoping to walk away with at least something worthwhile. I expect there will be a few employees from my previous company, that should be interesting...I can't recall if I went last year or not, I think I did, but I'm not sure I ran into anyone or else it might have actually stuck in my brain. Oh well. Interesting note. BP, our company CEO is not going. Why? She says she's got too much work to do. Reality is that she feels embarrassed by all the weight she has gained. How do I know this? Because she makes comments about how "fat" she's gotten about 5 times a day and I know how much appearance means to her. Honestly, I'm not sure how to feel about that. I certainly have sucked it up many a time and gone places I sure as hell didn't want to go because of my size, but I completely understand her feelings and I respect the fact that every individual's struggle with their self-image is their uniquely their own. It doesn't matter to me what she does either way I just think it's interesting. I suspect she keeps complaining about her weight to me because she believes if anyone would understand, I would. Intellectually, I understand it, emotionally, I haven't worked it all out yet.

I got the hollow leg thing going on today. I've been eating since I got up this morning, too bad I can't any taste any of it...I'm sure some of it is pretty damn good.

Labels: Health, Hmmm, Work

Strike a Pose!

I'm feeling the love y'all, thanks for feeling my pain! I took Zyrtec yesterday and it seems to be working wonders. The fog has lifted some, most of the cough is gone and a good bit of the sinus pressure as well. Only my left ear is clogged and I actually got a 1/2 way decent amount of sleep last night. All things considered, not too bad.

'Member those dresses I mentioned a few days ago, here are a couple of pictures of me (taken with my camera phone) in one of them:



Side view:



I almost don't identify with the person in these photos. It trips me out! Is that really me? Do I really look like that? My boobies are showing, what the hell?!? LOL! I will tell you though, these photos give me so much hope that "normal" is within my grasp! I can't honestly remember the last time I wore an actual dress. I've worn plenty of skirts w/ blouses, but an actual one-piece dress, I have no idea. Honestly, it's probably in the 15-20 year range...I wouldn't be surprised.

This also makes me question my ideas about goal weight and BMI. I'm such a poor judge of how the scale and physical reality mesh. I don't know for sure if I look like a 250 lb woman or not. I don't think I do. How much more weight should I lose? I would like to see onederland, hell, I'd like to be 10-20 lbs in onderland, but do I need to be to feel good about myself and wear clothes and shoes I want to wear. If I can wear a size 14 pants and weigh 200 lbs, would I be okay with that? I think I just might. I don't know we'll see,

Labels: GirlyGirl, GoalTalk, GoodStuff

Must be the drugs.

Warning: Lots of whining ahead!

I can't taste my food. My taste buds are numb from this stupid cold/allergy attack, which by the way, is a very strange thing. I'm nursing a protein shake right now and I can barely taste it. It's like it had 1/10th of it's normal taste. I can't even smell it.

Last night was a bad night. I went to bed at 9:00 PM and only slept til around midnight, I took another round of drugs and tossed and turned til 3 AM. I was up for an hour, drank a cup of chicken broth and went back to bed. Got up at 7 AM for more drugs and then slept til just past 10 AM. I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at a whopping 259.2 lbs. WTF?!? It then occurred to me that I haven't exactly been eating all that much and sure as hell haven't been getting in my fluids. I'm retaining water like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. I hate being sick. I feel miserable and find myself in a foul mood. All I want to do is crawl in my bed and drink warm liquids. It's not fun. I actually had a short tear-filled moment early this afternoon. Yeah, I can be a wuss sometimes, I guess I'm frustrated because I should be feeling better, not worse. Seriously, how much snot can one person generate?!? I think what is happening is the cold itself is winding down, but the allergy crap is reaching it's apex.

As if all the coughing and sneezing and nose-blowing weren't enough, my ears are clogged which is throwing my equilibrium way off AND I can't hear worth crap. I made my way to the grocery store again convinced that I needed more (better) drugs and it felt like I was in a fog. I also bought some good old fashioned chicken soup and had a nice bowl of that for lunch. That was the highlight of my day. I also picked up some of those super-soft facial tissues which are a gift from God.

On a completely unrelated note, a friend emailed me a recent photo of Guy from this past weekend. Seeing it brings back a flood of emotions which just make my head that much more foggy. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me right now to think to hard about whatever it is I would like to resolve with him. He's still a very tricky issue in my life, he may forever be, but luckily not something I need to really worry about. He does look good though. I can't lie about that.

Ugh. I'm tired, I'm going to get me a bowl of soup and call it a day.

Labels: NotSoGood

Sniffle, sniffle, cough, cough

Mother Nature is trying to kill me. I'm convinced. It was bad enough that I had a wicked cold, then my allergies started to kick my butt as well. It's been a sneezing-coughing-sniffling-itchy-eyes-nose-lips fest over here. None of that, however could dampen my love for my kick-ass tennis clinic. I LOVE it, it's so awesome! Not only could I completely keep up with everything, I was one of the better tennis players. Mind you, we're all beginners, but I definitely was NOT the suckiest one! I'm all ready for next week's lesson and I wanted to sign up for weekly drills but our instructor said we should get through the beginner's clinic before we sign up for the drills as they cover a lot more than what we've learned so far.

Anyway, afterwards I went to Kohls and picked up a couple of athletic shorts to wear. I'm not going to worry about looking cute just yet. I think they will hold me over for awhile.

About the allergies, I never had them up until last year and I wonder if it is post-surgery related. I mean, I feel like scratching my eyes out. Both my nose and my lips are tingly, very annoying. I still have a very runny nose and a nagging cough (my abs hurt from all the hacking). I have to resort to taking Benadryl otherwise I might have to jab forks in my eyes to stop the itching. The bad thing is that Benadryl = sleepy time for Tia. Oh well, who doesn't love a good nap?

Labels: Memes, Tennis