Month 10

Oh what a month it has been. As has been well documented here, I have been having a time of it this month, which in retrospect seems to be the direct opposite of month 9 where it seemed I could do no wrong. Month 10 was a struggle on several levels and I don't hesitate to say, one of my more difficult months, mostly for emotional reasons. I would like to think that going through these types of things that I learned something and I think I did. I learned I need to listen to my body more. I learned that crap in, even in small amounts, usually equals "crap" out in seemingly larger amounts. I learned that I need to trust the surgery and trust that it is working even when the scale doesn't show it. I should trust how I feel, how my clothes fit as signs of progress. Most importantly though, I learned I have some truly great friends out there, Kim, Ann and Deluzy, I have to send my heartfelt thanks for really supporting me and keeping me up. You are all amazing women and I am thankful that you are in my life. Y'all rock!!!

I had contemplated doing a whole pipe cleansing routine this weekend, but have decided not to. I have been taking fiber supplements and Colace every night and that seems to have regulated things a little bit and the scale has been moving at a good clip as of late. I started the month at 335.4 lbs. I hit 341.6 lbs on the 20th and as late as the 22nd, I weighed higher than what I started the month. This morning I weighed in at 325.2 lbs for a total loss for the month of 10.2 lbs for a grand total loss of 191.4 lbs. Honey, I will take it! Buh-bye 330's!

I am really going to take Ann's advice and stop thinking about goals in such strict parameters -- losing X lbs by Y date. I don't think it helps and I don't think it's healthy, plus it totally bums me out when things go "wrong." I am going to try to focus on the numbers that really matter: grams of protein and ounces of water.

Since it is the end of the quarter, I have a ton of work to do for my company so I'll be spending the weekend indoors, but I do plan on making a trip to the bookstore for a little R&R tomorrow. I haven't been in awhile and it'll be nice to get out to a place I love going to.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Eh?

I swear I woke up this morning down an entire dress size. Ever experience that? I put on my khakis this morning and was like "wait a minute....these don't feel familiar." They felt unusually baggy, I didn't feel that way a few days ago, the last time I had them on.

Yesterday as I was waiting in the doctor's exam room (freezing my ass off), my thumbs caught my attention. Totally random, I know, but I was like, these don't look like my thumbs. My thumbs look 1/2 way normal. Trippy.

Speaking of freezing, I am always cold, it's insane. We've had pretty high temps here in Atlanta and it hasn't phased me at all. At work, I regularly make trips to the restroom, even if I don't have to go, just so that I can wash my hands under hot water because they are always freezing.

This morning I am down to 331.2, down 0.2 lbs. Woo-hoo....Oh well, at least it hasn't gone up. I'm a little disappointed because I should have crossed the 200lbs loss mark by now and as it is now, I am 15+ lbs away. I can't help but think that this is it for me. I had thoughts of maybe losing 225-230 lbs my first year, but now I'm not sure I will hit 200. I had hopes of seeing 299 on the scale, maybe 290 by my one year anniversary, but I don't even know. The worst part is knowing that I still have at least another 100 lbs to lose and if I can't even manage to lose 5 lbs in a month what hope do I have of hitting my ultimate goal? I know, I know, this is all fatalist talk, but damn, I can't help it.

To get myself out of this funk, I bought myself some geeky goodness. I just acquired a new computer that has a lot of new bells and whistles which I have yet to put it into production, but I plan to do some of that in the next couple of weeks. I just splurged and ordered myself two 22" LCD monitors for my home office, I plan to run them in a dual monitor setup. They are so pretty. I am currently using a 19" LCD and have managed fine, but it's time for an upgrade to go along with my new box. I was very, VERY tempted to buy one of those 30" displays mostly for the kick-ass factor alone, but spending $1200+ is just a bit much, especially since I can get two 22" for half that AND if I am so inclined, I can spend that other $600 on goodies for my camera! I also bought a few more pedestrian things like 2 GBs of RAM and a monitor cable, so once all the stuff arrives, I will be in geeky heaven.

Since my core hobby of photography is picking up steam, hopefully next year I will be able to buy a Mac with one of them 30" displays. It all hinges on my ability to justify spending like $4000 for a computer and monitor coupled with my ability to hopefully start doing some photography work professionally. I am buying a friend's used set of studio equipment and will set up a spare room in my house as a learning studio of sorts.

In due time....

Next steps

So I had my Dr.'s appointment this afternoon and I talked my little head off. I told her about the nausea, the constipation, the no weight loss and the thing that caught her attention the most was my yellow poop. I can't remember if I mentioned that or not. For the past several years, including the first 9 months post op, my poop has been largely dark green from my iron supplements. Lately they've been yellow. Anyway, I left with a baggie of Protonix samples and a referral for a Gastroenterologist. I will call in the morning to make that appointment and we'll see where it goes from there. In the meantime, I am going to try to stay on track as much as possible. After the poopfest this morning (still no corn), I definitely noticed I am getting smaller or rather getting rid of all the crap shrunk me down a little bit, not as bloated.

Anyway, the good news was that my blood pressure was a kick-ass 120/70 and my resting heart rate was 60. My weigh in at the docs office was 337, fully clothed and post-lunch so not too bad.

Yeah well, I'm tired, going to bed.

Wouldn't you know it...

So it's been Poopfest 2007 this morning and wonder of all wonders, I finally ended up weighing in at 331.4 lbs this morning. Sigh. Dr.'s appointment is this afternoon and I anticipate frustrating the heck out of her...this ain't gonna be a 10 minute in and out kind of thing...We'll see how it goes.

The next level

Well, it's a done deal. I am going to the Dr.'s tomorrow. Weighed in at 335.8 this morning so the weight is creeping back up after all that. I have no idea why. The edema is mostly gone so why no real change in weight? I am like 15-17 lbs over where I should be, it's been over a month and no progress. I weighed in at 332 on the 1st or 2nd of the month. I just don't feel like myself and I'm not convinced that stomach virus I had at the beginning of the month was actually a stomach virus. I just don't feel like I have the vigor and energy like I did a month ago. My walk from work to the bus stop has not been as easy as it was when I first did it. Maybe I have some kind of blockage or something, I don't know, but I still have that lingering uncomfortable feeling at the top of my abdomen that I can't seem to shake. I don't know it just seems too much of a coincidence and I don't believe in coincidences.

I had half a cup of corn Saturday night and it has not made an appearance. Anyway, I plan to spend a good bit of time tonight being prepared. My doc knows I had a DS and is vaguely familiar, but I want to make sure she can be as educated as possible and set me on the right path to my old self.

I don't believe in random, indiscriminate stalls. Something is going on, I'm going to figure it out.

I almost died...

...last night. I took Kim's advise and had a few Krispy Kremes and some ice cream last night in the hopes of breaking my stall. I ate around 8:30 PM, by 10:30 I was doubled over with the most horrific gas and bloated abdomen ever. Seriously, I thought my stomach was going to explode and that would be the end of me. I was in tears it was so bad. The next five hours were filled with horrible gas and diarrhea. I will never, EVER, ever, ever, ever do that again ... EVER ... NEVER ...... EVER ... again ... never!

However ... weighed in this morning at 332.6 lbs. Not only did it break my stall, but it cleared out my entire system. In the past 3 days, I've "lost" 9 lbs. My strategy going forth is to have more fiber in my diet, take Colace at night (non-habit forming) and stick to softer higher protein foods and keep things simple.

I'm so exhausted I haven't done much of anything today and don't plan on it, but I am hopeful.

I promise you this: I ain't ever eating ice cream or KK's again. I had NO idea I would have that severe of a reaction.

Shitty times 2

It's official now. Time to get real depressed. Today I weighed in at 341.6 lbs, a month ago, May 20th, I also weighed in at 341.6 so I've lost absolutely nothing in a month. Yippee... Believe you me I am trying to be rational, but it's awful hard and now I am just bitching just to bitch. I'm having such a crappy week on a few fronts, I might as well whine. My lower legs look like logs. Used to be I could at least count on the scale to make me happy every now and then and now it seems even it has failed me this week. How apropos.

Food yesterday:

M1: Muscle Milk protein drink
M2: 2 scrambled eggs 1 breakfast sausage links (the little ones)
M3: Muscle Milk protein drink
M4: 3 breakfast sausage links
M5: Grilled fish in garlic butter sauce
M6: Deli turkey & hard salami
M7: Baked grouper w/ a few green beans

All my water & vitamins. That amounted to over 2100 calories, 190+ grams of protein.

Today

M1: Muscle Milk protein drink
M2: Baked chicken wings
M3: Muscle Milk protein drink
M4: Baked chicken wings
M5: Muscle Milk protein drink
M6: Two scrambled eggs w/ deli turkey

1800+ calories, 150+ grams protein so far. You can see how unmotivated I am right now about what I eat.

I feel more constipated than usual. Just makes my frickin week .....

Day 1 - Food Log

So I am keeping track of my food here in an effort to be more accountable. This morning I weighed in at 339.2. When I got home after work, I weighed 342.4 lbs. Anyway....

M1: Muscle Milk shake before I left home.
M2: Breakfast sausages when I got to work.
M3: Muscle Milk shake later that morning.
M4: Breakfast sausages early lunch.
M5: Grilled fish w/ garlic butter sauce as a late lunch.
M6: Baked chicken & two TB of sweet corn***.

I've so far drank around 90 oz of water and am working on my last 32 oz before I call it a night. The breakfast sausages aren't the greatest thing in the world, bad even, I just needed to have a strong protein day while keeping the carbs low. I went to the grocery store and got some lean turkey, ham and pastrami instead. I will eat that instead of sausage so tomorrow should be much better, quality wise.

*** I read about this online. I ate the sweet corn so that I can see for myself how long it is taking food to get through my system. TMI, I know, but I gotta know.

A few good things

I hate to be so negative lately so here are three good things from the past few days:

1. I love Ross/TJ Maxx/Walmart/Target. I love $6 shirts and $10 pants.
2. I found the car I want to buy, 2007 Toyota Camry Hybrid. Totally kick ass.
3. I have discovered my inner girly-girl. I'm carrying a purse. I am wearing dangling earrings. Pink just might be my new favorite color.

One dumb question:
1. Is XL the same as 1X?

Reality check....again.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and (over)analyzing my nutrition over the last 2-3 weeks and I think I have pinpointed my problem. Stop me if you've heard this one before -- not enough protein. Here's how I came to this conclusion. I started working the new job May 21. This is not a physical job, but my entire day includes two hilly walks and a few trips up and down a flight of stairs. Much more exercise than I had been getting at my previous job. I think this increased activity warranted an increase in protein, not a lot, but I should have paid attention to this fact. Second, I stopped being anal about (1) what I eat and (2) tracking it. I had been eating breakfast at work (eggs & sausage) with my usual snacks (protein bar) and lunch and dinner without really ensuring that the numbers are where they should be. I've been eyeballing it for weeks and I shouldn't. I think -- no, I know -- my protein has been slipping and other crap had been finding it's way in. Then I went on vacation and although I was eating a lot, I wasn't in familiar territory and wasn't nearly eating as often and so when I started to really think about what I was eating during those 5 days, I was maybe getting in 60 or 70 grams of protein although at the time I thought I was doing okay. Big mistake, tack on all the late nights, more activity and voila!

I've been screwing up and I think a lot of that was the anxiety I was feeling about going home and seeing my family and just being in this weird "middle" space of my weight loss. Seeing the scale move up really messed with my brain and it's scary to feel those old feelings of being a failure and thinking this is as good as it gets. I am back on track and sitting here, I still find myself afraid that I broke my DS and I won't lose any more weight. It scares me that I had strayed so far from the path, y'know, and I found myself rationalizing it. I don't like it and it's something I need to work on and probably will need to work on for a very long time.

You'd think after 9 1/2 months I would know better, maybe I am hard headed, I don't know, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that this isn't it for me and that doing what I know to do will get the scale moving in the right direction. I seriously was not going to write this post, but I think it's important for everyone to see my mistakes as well as my successes. I am really, REALLY looking forward to my support group meeting Thursday, I need to go and need the reinforcement from my DS peeps.

Shitty

Everything, as of late (DS-wise) has been pure poo. Wanna know how much I weighed this morning? 340.8 lbs. How lovely. I weighed 339.0 on May 19th. This month, so far, I've gained 5.4 lbs. I am supposed to be losing weight, not gaining. I think my constipation issues are resolved, I guess I have something else going on. All I know is I am happy about two things, one, support group is Thursday and two, I am going back to the most basic of basics. I think that I have not been getting enough protein/nutrition, sometimes it is as simple as that. In efforts to avoid eating too much crap on vacation, I probably didn't eat enough. Since I started my new job May 21, I probably haven't getting enough protein to account for the increase in activity. Geez. Pisses me off, but I am committing to boosting my protein a good bit for the next week at least to see how it goes. I should be 320 +- a pound or two, not 340.

I could seriously cry, but I am not. There is a solution. I will find it.

Dr. M

So I broke down and wrote Dr. M today. This crap is totally bumming me out. I also broke down and took a dose of Milk of Magnesia and had a big poop, but not as big as I would have thought. I still feel clogged up. Sigh, this is depressing. Maybe I am not getting enough protein, I am drinking over 120 oz of water so I doubt that is it.

I know it is something (hopefully nothing serious), I just have to figure it out....

Fer crying out loud!

TMI Warning: Since early afternoon Sunday, I've been plagued with wicked stomach problems. It makes me wonder if the issue I was dealing with before I left on my trip was never actually resolved and is still ongoing. From around 3pm Sunday to around 4am Monday, I had horrendous diarrhea and I hardly ever have it. I must have pooped 15-20 times during that time period. I have had a couple more instances, most notably Monday night where is was like explosive diarrhea. When I actually got home to Texas, I noticed my lower legs and ankles were swollen and they have remained that way ever since, the only relief I get is overnight when my legs are elevated, but within an hour, they are back to swelling again. They are tight and mildly uncomfortable. My innards/intestines are equally bothersome, they do not hurt, but I have this gross stuffed feeling. I hear and feel the slow rumbling inside. It feels like I am seriously bloated and/or constipated. I !@#$ing hate it. I weighed in this morning at 339.6...you can imagine how NOT happy I am about that! That's a good 10-15 lbs over where I should be Ugh, so very frustrating. I have to come up with some kind of regimen to combat the constipation because it is not fun...The scary thing is I almost feel like something is stuck at the top of my stomach, like 1/2 way between my bust line and my belly button. It doesn't hurt, but just feels like a brick is sitting there and I've felt it for awhile. I am going to do a plumbing clearing routine this weekend which entails suffering through a strong laxative which eats up an entire day, but I usually feel cleared up and weigh 4-7 lbs lighter. Gross, I know, I know, but what's a girl to do? I have to, HAVE TO, find a better way to manage my constipation issues better. This is getting ridiculous.

On a more positive side, I am sitting here lounging in a 2X t-shirt. It's a shirt I got from a company I worked for like 7 years ago and I couldn't fit so I gave it to my mom, apparently she kept it all this time and gave it back to me when I got home. Fits perfectly! I almost can't believe I am wearing it. I know that I am getting smaller, I just wish the scale would show it. Oh well, keep plugging ahead (and try not to panic)....

Pretty Darn Cool

Hey y'all I am back from my family reunion and it was fantastic! I am so freakin' exhausted, though. Lots of running around with the kiddies, late nights talking with the fam, early mornings of helping my dad barbecue or going to church services. I maybe got 20 hours of sleep since Wednesday night, but man it was fun. I'm too tired to go into too many details, but a couple of cool things, one, I totally fit in an airplane seat! I didn't need to raise the arm rests (a snug but not uncomfortable fit) AND I didn't need my seatbelt extender! It's not an understatement to say I was ecstatic when I just sat right down in my seat, no problem. Next step is having the tray down fully. Anyway, definitely one of the highlights of my trip.

Like many of you have said, my family was flabbergasted at seeing me! My mom could not believe it and I have to admit to busting out in tears when I saw her! I hadn't seen her in almost a year and a half and so much has happened since then. We along with my sister went clothes shopping and I got some really cool stuff at Ross and only spent like $50. I didn't want to go too crazy. All in all, I had a great time and I already miss everybody. I will be posting pictures soon, but right now I have got to get some sleep. I have to go to work in the morning!

Anxiety + Anticipation - 185 lbs = Me

So tomorrow is the big day. I go see my family for the first time since surgery (seeing my dad & sister a few weeks afterwards doesn't count). I am nervous and I am excited, so much so that I have a case of nervous poop, possibly the first ever reported case. I weighed in this morning at like 336 lbs, I'm so pissed, I have been really good and wouldn't you know it, the scale not only isn't moving, it jumped up 4 lbs a few days ago and won't come down. I hate that, BUT I have lost a size. I am now in 28s on the bottom and something like 18/20/22 on top. That's craziness cuz I just bought a pair of 30s what like a month ago and now they are baggy.

Hopefully the plane rides won't be too bad, I do have to remember that I'm not nearly the size I was 9 months ago so although I won't experience the big "wow" of fitting comfortably in a seat, I should be much more comfortable and heckuva lot less embarrased about the whole thing.

Anyway, I am going to focus on relaxation and spending good quality time with the peeps. I will take lots of pictures for sure. It'll be good. I just have to remember that.

Much Better

I'm not all that convinced I had a stomach virus, but whatever it was, it seems to have passed. I hate bouts like that. I vaguely remember something similar a few months ago, but not nearly as uncomfortable. Anyway, a few days of Zantac, Promethazine and a bland starchy diet seems to have taken care of it. Good grief, that crap was miserable. Oh and I did poop this morning, so I'm pretty sure it's not a blockage, it could have been really bad constipation. I don't know.

Yesterday I had some plain mashed potatoes, more chicken broth, 1/4 of a plain biscuit and a protein drink. I also drank my butt off since the previous 24 hours I had hardly drank anything. I weighed in at 332.4 lbs yesterday morning, today I clocked in at 335.2 lbs, a combination of rehydrating and the carbs I had yesterday. I really struggled to find bland low-carb foods that wouldn't cause me trouble so I just decided to go with what the doctor ordered until this whole thing passed so today it's back to my usual routine.

I leave on Thursday and in order to have a stress and work free vacation, I will be working all weekend, not much fun, but it will hopefully guarantee fun later. We'll see how that goes.